#idk it makesme so mad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

curtashiism · 7 years

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Feeling a bit sad and anxious tonight. I keep thinking of my sister and that always just kinda starts a downward spiral for me. I keep remembering how she licked my neck that one night, and I know that’s probably a weird thing to be bothered by, I mean, compared to some of the other stuff she did that was nothing, but it I can still feel her god damn tongue on my neck and it makes me feel so... wrong. Like really really awful, like want to just throw up and like... like I just want to start crying and just find a way to rip my skin off there or something. It just still feels so wrong. But I mean what she did to my brother was way worse so I’ mnot sure if i HAVE a right to ocmpalin you know/ Like I mean I hsted what she idd but i mean it wasn’t that bad. I mean he doenst complain that much s i don’t think I should you know? but it just really makesme upset. But hen I fele like a bad person beucase she’s been hurt too and IDK hat if it’s my fault? I shold have been there that night to sopt hting.s Liek i was in the net room nver and i Wws fucking off on Tumblr and had no idea what she was oding and i should have known better becausre she was so drunk. my brother and my moam both goat hrt bucause of me. Lek i should have been there and i wanst. I didnt even tink to go ot he police in my moms case when i should have bencause i saw the immedaite aftermath, i saw my mom there naked nad my uncle there and i wne there was no kosjr explanation, why waeflse woudl he be there? but i didn’t do anything. And hse even said she was mad at me for it ony lshe ws drinking so i mean did she mean it? i dont; wknow if she meant any or all of it when she as drinking and i dont know if she eve nrembmes saying it. KE wjat the fuck ins wrong with me? JAw fucked up am i the at i saw that and didnt aeven say anything? KIe maybe I am hsut as bad as my sister. in am a fuckup! like when she did what sshe did to me, to my brotger, she thought she ads helping! she wantefd my boyfiendcx to so tginf because she thohgb its be hapeir if i had sex. and she sdfai she did what she did to my broher baecause she felt bad for him because he was a vigin and “kidnaf ugly.” like she thight it was a good thingf,a so wasd it really her fault? and thast not even getting ino the meth and stuff,a does she even reammber now? She alsmt died, I should ajtust be happy is still have a sister reiht? otns of peopke have lost their friends and famiy and wouldgive anything af to have mine reight? its smyh fautk nashe did what sueh did aneywt. Its my fault she aws like that and ists my fault she hurta my brothger and hts my fault my ucnle hurt my mom. nAF i dhnt have a irght to comapl abot the suff she did to me acaues it was really nothing and i man even the abd fead dreamd is have about her anre about her doing to be what she did to my barother whach didnt beven happen! so if htats the worst why sgould i be uspte! but it feels so wong when i w remember it andd i hate it! just ugh ims no tired ugh

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yoonasgf · 7 years

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171013- saturday a rant dnt bother reading

i feel like i wanna talk to someone but then i think about it and what am i even expecting ? whenever i say smth i regret it immediately so just thinking abt expressing whats bothering me to others i just know ill regret adn feel guilty and embarrassed about it later so i never talk to anyone abt anything that goes on in my mind and it gets to the point where its so over bearing i feel like its drowning my head somehow , im so.. lonely wld be the word but lonely in my thoughts but like that doesnt even make sense idk im just writing here bc i need to let my feelings out somehow and i’d usually do it on twitter but like the 140 characters thing anyway i just feel like i want to let things out but whenevr i do i never like the answer i get, like if they give me advice i feel annoyed cus i wasnt asking for help i was simply stating how i felt (and most of the time its stuff that cant really be fixed?), if they tell me stuff like “i love you !” its like ok? ik its mean but someone elses love does not affect my situation at all since its an inner issue that doest rly have to do with self-esteem, and if they just are like ‘yeah’ or ‘thats so bad:(’ ijust feel like theyre not paying attention (even if they are) which makes me regret opening up, so i dont really know what im expecting when i vent to someone i guess i just want to feel like someone is listening to me idk im like so full of thoughts and feelings. writing this feels like its calming me down a little bit so i think im just gonna keep writing, in english (its funny how id rather open up in english since its my second language i feel more alienated from it so it feels less real? what im talking about seems less seriousdk) so whats circling in my mind is that i dont have anyone im urging to meet i dont have anyone i truly like anymore and that my ladies is so fucking sad and frustrating that ive mentally grown apart from my friends im just not myself when im with them and sure my fake-extroverted persona ive built throughout highschool is good at doing her job and she still gets along with them so well but now it feels like that side of me, the fake one, is another person like we used to share some “mental common ground” but not anymore i just dont have anything in common with that persona anymore so whenever im with my old friends i just become her it’s like i completely leave reality it makesme so lonely inside. and i cant help it its unvoluntary how i switch places with the other me i cant stop it and i hate it because i feel like its drowning me alive, along with my personal issues. lately ive been isolating myself a lot, i stay in the classroom during recess and i havent gone out in like a month.actually last time i went out i decided i just wont go out anymore i just think its not for me i truly dont have fun. is that okay like is that normal? like is just dont enjoy the loudness and the kind of jokes that go on, i think if grown too fast. i justdont wannatalk about drinking andsex and how evil the math teacher is, like its fine once ia while but iwanna discuss science and philosohy and share thoughs too, anything else is so irrelevant it’s so sos irrrelevant to me. not that i dont enjoy good laughs anddrinking, but for that i feel like i wanna be with someone who is special to me? like someone whoi respect intellectually first, and then we can laugh at dog memes. someone i can show my realpersona to,and the thing is i have my best friends she’s literally so perfect bc she’s smart but also silly so we can talk abt hitler but then we can talk abt that one episode of sponge bob ? but the thing is shes graduating this year, and she has like an almost boyfriend, so i decided i should start getting used to her not beingwith me, but thats way more lonely than i thought. the guy thing, it wasnt planned, and shes with her crush most of the time which i totally understand i watn them to be together and stuff but i dont have anyone else but her- that is the real me not the fake persona, the fake persona hasmany people- but i though “she deserves this” so decided to step back so they can concentrate on each other. she ofc wouldve never asked this of me, but it seems like it was the best, sometimes i feel like a huge burden to her. but now imrealizing how lonely it has made me, being with her is like letting go of a breath that ive been holding and im realizing how much i need her. so i thought of like ‘slipping’ back in but im faced with the fact that we will infact part ways when she graduates because we’re attending universities in different parts of the country so maybe i should be getting used to the solitude, until someone else comes. and someone else seems to be here, this one friend i have in my new class, but im so scared of opning up to her, im scared of her kindness to me. i always think “why is she so nice? why does she stand up for me” at first she wasa bit too rough for me but as we spent time together i think she realized what kind of person i am and changed her ways so now were getting closer and closer and it makes me so 불안해 and 두려워 (idk how to express the sentiment in english) i dont even know what im scared of, it;s not like ive been hurt before in that way i think? maybe i have i cant remember. the point is, i know i should let this person in because she’d help me but i just cant seem to opne the freaking door its like my hand is shakinly holding teh doorknob without actually twisting it. i do think i will eventually tho. anyway. i was saying i spend alot of time alone these days, reading,studying, twitter, watching stuff, and its really nice i really do enjoy being by myself but i honestly dont have manyb things to do? so eventually the Thoughts come, and lately what ive been meditating is how the reason why i dont get close or attached to people (again the fake me might get closed but not me) is because simply no one is as good company to me as myself? which is fine wyou know many people feel like that, but i hate that if im alone poeple thinkg i dont have friends or that im sad and they think its bad that i am alone which is really not the case. i could be with ppl if i wanted to i just chose not to. theres this particular guy in my class actually, who thinks he has to be my friends bcim often alone and it irriates me so much bc 1. hes interrumpting my enjoyable me-time 2. he does it out of pity and boi do i hate pity like sometimes i just stay in the classroom doing homework or reading and he comes in likw “why are u always alone:(” because i want to you fucking dumbass andtoday or maybe it was yesterday particularly he said “why are you always alone is it becayse you dont have freinds bc you went on exchange and dont know anyone” llike um no im alone because i literally want to be alone you absolute dipshit and ido have 10 times more friends than you i just dont feel like being wit hthem you fucking asshole it pissed me off so much as if he’s ?? helping in anyway ?? i just wish anyone whosaw me alone wld tjust think ‘i guess she likes being alone’ isntead of thinking that im alone bc no one is willing to keep me company. isuddenly got really mad writting this. i think this really calmed me downishould do it more often its not like anyone who follows me here wld open it, like ideally this is whatdiaries are for but i dnt like to waste paper. im gonna write the date as well

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