#idk just having some Friday night venting. it was a very tough week. I am tired and I am sad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gatorfruit-moved · 6 years

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200, 192, 189, 174, 171, all in the believe in category, 154, 149, 146, 145, 142, 141, 138, 131, all in the here's what i think about category, 86, 84, 76, 66, 60, 54, 49, 44, 22, 18, 15, 11, 6, 2 Only answer the ones you want - there's a lot...Sorry lmao. I'm just curious

I love when I can go on and on about questions, thank you

200 My crush’s name is:I have two and people irl have my tumblr and one of them has a tumblr so :x they’re both a K name. 192 I am allergic to:Cats which does not stop me, all kinds of pollen, and lavender. 189 Last book you read:I’m currently working on When The Moon Was Ours174 Do you have any siblings?Not biologically but my friends may as well be my brothers, we say we are. 171 Do you play an instrument?I’ve been on flute since late third grade and I’m learning both guitar and bass. Do you believe in169 Love at first sight:Mmmmm not really? I dunno. 168 Luck:In a way to just describe entropy yeah. 167 Fate:Again not really but I like to use it in a poetic sense. 166 Yourself:Pfffft not really165 Aliens:HELL YEAH164 Heaven:Nope163 Hell:Nah162 God:Nada161 Horoscopes:No but I think they’re neat160 Soul mates:It’d be cool but no159 Ghosts:No but I like supernatural shit like that158 Gay Marriage:OH YEAH BABEYYY157 War:No but I don’t really like involving myself in that discussion, i don’t know jack about psychology or sociology. 156 Orbs:In the supernatural sense no but I do believe in my friend’s cat we call Orb. He deserves all the love. 155 Magic:No but another thing I think is cool. 154 Hugs or Kisses:I love bear hugs so much but I’ve also never been kissed. Cheek and forehead kisses are good but I’m going with hugs. 149 Hot or cold:Cold but with warm sun146 Chocolate or vanilla:Vanilla! Swirl is the best though145 Night or Day:Night but like just as the sun is starting to set. 142 McDonalds or Burger King:mcnaldos. I was gonna italicize it but mobile sucks. 141 White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate:Milk unless it’s cookies and cream which reminds me of the summer, when Uzii and Abbas bought out the whole stock at the general store on Kelley’s Island. 138 Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:I mean I’m ugly and poor lmao. If we’re talking personality, sweet and poor. If it’s appearance, i don’t care ab looks sooooo ugly and rich. 131 Small town or Big city:This is so hard for me because I live for Pittsburgh but Kelley’s Island was so perfect. Here’s what I think about122 War:Like I said in the do I believe one, I don’t know enough to say anything. It’s a complicated issue but for the most part I hate it121 George Bush:I have no idea120 Gay Marriage:I may be gay married one day lmao119 The presidential election:I mean this past one gave us some top notch SNL. It’s a shame though that the first on I kept track of was this shitshow. 118 Abortion:I’m very pro choice117 MySpace:Idk116 Reality TV:I love me some drag and cooking competitions but not things like the bachelor. 115 Parents:Mine? I’m fine with. Our relationship is a little weird. Plus I was raised by grandparents so it’s a complicated thing. I can go more in depth if you want. 114 Back stabbers:Rot in hell Alexa. Sorry just a vent. 113 Ebay:I dunno really112 Facebook:I barely use it but it was good to come out on lmao111 Work:I need it110 My Neighbors:I don’t talk to them but my old ones were creeps109 Gas Prices:I don’t drive so 🤷🏼‍♂️108 Designer Clothes:Hate it when they steal my culture 🔪🔪🔪 but other than that idc. There’s some stuff that is ridiculously priced but others, it’s just people making money doing something they love so power to them107 College:Let me in106 Sports:I bleed black and gold. I’m such a pittsburgher. 105 My family:Strange. I love em but they’re weird. Like I’ve got Opa’s side in Detroit which is all 6’+ and fairly well off, although we did lose the matriarch. There’s Oma’s in the Netherlands that I don’t know anything about. Papaw’s who are also well off, Aunt Martha outbid a college for her house but other than that I don’t really know them. Grandma’s Mexican yinzer family I love. We get petty over refried beans and guacamole. There’s some issues with me and coming out though. 104 The future:I’m kinda of afraid but there are days where I’m not and those are the best. 86 The thing that I’m looking forward to the most:Testosterone tbh84 People call me:Scottie, Scooter, Scoots, Major, two people are trying to push Scrotum and Scootums, along with various things like faggot and dumbass lmao. By friends, it’s not in an insulting way. 76 Right now I am talking to:Mack and attempting to get tumblr to let me talk to @kairoth although answering all these did take time66 People that make you happy:This list would be bigger if I talked to some people more and others didn’t betray me but the big ones are Mack and Kennedy60 I lose all respect for people who:Oof I can’t remember any of the big ones but if I heard them I’d remember. Deadnaming and misgendering is the biggest tho. 54 The worst pain I was ever in was:I can’t remember what it felt like when I got the fishhook through my shoulder but it left a scar. Granted falling in the parking lot during practice did too which didn’t hurt a lot. The one I can remember though is waking up in the middle of the night not able to move my knee, and so my leg, at all. It stills hurts from time to time and it’s got a mysterious bump that’s stressing me out. 49 Do you want children:Yeah, I feel like I’d be a good dad. I have dreams about it sometimes. I had one where I had a little tan freckles blonde haired daughter was teaching how to box. Another with a little brown haired brown eyed son, tying his tie, talking to him about how if he likes a girl, not to be mean but to treat her like a princess. If he ever makes a mistake, to buy her and her mother flowers, maybe even her sisters. I dunno. It’s nice to think about. 44 One person that you wish you could see right now:Carson so I can have a serious talk with him. Opa because got i miss him, and Great Grandma Laney. Dad, although I saw him recent enough that I’m not desperate. And the two crushes, not gonna name names. Favorites22 Animal:I love hyenas with all of my heart18 Sport to play:Hockey. Not only am I good at the actual game and get so much enjoyment out of it, but there’s nothing like a solid shoulder check. I threw a kid way bigger than me into the wall in middle school. 15 Day of the week:I used to really like Tuesday for some reason but now it’s probably Friday, especially if I go out and do stuff with friends right after school. 11 Food:Wedding soup I guess? It’s a comfort food. 6 Flower:I really like snapdragons, bleeding hearts, and warm colored roses. I’m also a huge fan of daffodils, tulips, hydrangeas, snowball bushes, and pansies for nostalgic reasons. I just really like flowers. 2 Dog breed:Oh man that’s tough. I really like big dogs, not quite in size but like stature if that makes any sense??? Things like bulldogs and pitties. Xolo dogs are great too

Thank you again!

#personal #questions #long post

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allmybadmemories-blog · 7 years

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What a day yesterday. I'm not even sure what to cover. Well. Husband had been having a bad week at work and we decided in advance that Friday night we would just get drunk together for fun. We used to be Mormon so we only started drinking in the past 6 months and i have never been drunk, he has gotten low- level drunk. So we just wanted to see what that was all about. Well i had been working on editing a video in all my limited spare time and it was rough trying to find a video editor for Linux that doesn't crash non-stop but i finally did and worked on this video for like 6 hours over a couple days. Then for the final time i opened it, the video clips were somehow all screwed up beyond repair, so i was pretty frustrated. Husband comes home and I'm like, "can you believe this? Ugh!" just venting. And he says (totally straight) "i guess the world doesn't want you to be a YouTuber." i just stared and said something like "why would you say that" and i don't remember his response because my emotional fog was getting too thick, i just know that he got defensive. I took it all as him saying my aspirations are shit. That i should give up. After a lifetime of the people who are supposed to support me always trying to stop me from trying new things or making any progress, i don't take it well. I cussed him out real bad. He of course got offended and felt like this was an overreaction and an unwarranted attack. I ran away to as far from him as i could get and just crouched down and sobbed and starting having a panic attack. Idk it sounds so stupid but what he said really hurt me. It was so personal. After a while he came out and asked if i was ok, if there was something else going on because this seemed like too much for what had just hastened from his perspective. I told him that it really hurt that he would say i shouldn't do the things I've been trying to do and then doubled down on it when it clearly upset me. He said that he meant it jokingly. since it was a situation where we were so helpless, he always tried to laugh it off when things are like that. Man it did NOT come off as a joke AT ALL. There was NO HINT that it was not serious. Oh well. I have to believe him and if it wasn't quite as joking as he is now claiming to save face, he at least knows i have a boundary around that subject. So i calm down and i think we're ok... But he's getting worse throughout the day. He starts acting like my ex when he was angry depressed. I'm getting terrified. He's not violent but it's that brooding demeanour, trying to be stoic but obviously incredible emotionally volatile underneath. I'm just like TRIGGERED TRIGGERED TRIGGERED and acting half the time like super trying to make it ok and half the time like equally broody and cut off. We took off kid to a park and at some point he (kid) went running off and i just stayed with him, and i looked back and husband's head is on the table, then we go where i lose sight, then we come back to the table and husband is gone. And as a matter of training I'm freaking out thinking about all the places and ways one could kill oneself right here, that fast. And I'm pissed at him for acting like this because i never wanted to be in this situation again. I logically know He's probably not suicidal but this situation is too strong of a replay of weekly occurrences in my fist marriage. Well he had just gone back to the car to be angry depressed in there where no one would see it. He says some vague things about stress and having to make some tough decisions and some of then only have one option. I'm just like wtf he's going to dump me for not being perfect today. Fuck. I'm just sill freaking out inside. I try to apologize for sweating at him. I try to act normal or extra good and caring. And I'm like, is our drunk couch date off? He's like really mad...i was hoping we could get back to normal.. We go home. I'm taking care of the kid. I go downstairs and see husband lifting weights and doing pushups and it seems like he's going hard. Then he goes upstairs and i see him outside a couple times. Eventually he comes back and said he just ran an 8min mile (this it's the 1st time He's gone running in like 6 months at least) and that now that he has physically destroyed his body he's done giving any fucks and can be honest with me. And basically it hurt HIM really badly when i swore at him. But he's a dude and "can't" process and express emotions properly or whatever. Idk basically we both said the exact worst thing possible to each other that day. We rarely fight seriously. Then he decided we should still get drunk so we picked up some liquor and stuf and put the kid to bed. Well we drank too much too fast with too little food so it worked and it was terrible. Absolutely terrible. But anyway while drunk he was telling me about his girlfriend before me that he had sex with (despite ring to bee a good Mormon boy otherwise) which doesn't bother me because i already knew and have no hangups about his part relationships. Or so i thought. But later (still drunk) he told me that while i had fallen asleep for a bit he was talking about this other girl (who he has only mentioned in passing before). He met her on his mission and apparently, they fell in love but were being good mormons, missionaries can't date of course or even pretend to have a life or interests beyond preaching and converting. They would sit by each other and try to hold hands without holding hands. He said "we really loved each other." and that they were REALLY compatible. at first i thought this was heartbreakingly cute and sad. At this point i felt mentally fine, like my brain was rejecting metabolizing any more alcohol and i wad only physically sick. So i was perfectly aware, or at least it seemed like it. It was so sad to me, this person i love so much, in love and couldn't do anything about it. I wanted past him to be happy. I mean I'm not seeing i wish he ended up with her instead of me (though he probably would have :\) but i just like... Really wanted him to have had some good experiences and happy memories further down that path than pretending to hold hands. He also said He would have sex with her note if he had a chance, but only if i gave permission first. (This doesn't really bother me.) But today it is bothering me more. I'm just obsessing over her. It's not jealousy and it wasn't insecurity at first although i think that has started to develop after all day thinking about it. It's just like... My brain is chewing on it nonstop because it's a big new development about someone i love but i don't know very much about it. It's this giant question mark. I know she's incredibly gorgeous (or was at the time) like she is his idea of physically perfect and i know that im not. He says he loves me and is crazy about me anyway but. This isn't negging, i think, though it comes off badly with limited context. Then we talked about it a tiny bit more today and he did that a thing i missed while asleep was his confessing that she is his 'one true love' like if i was gone he would go for her. So i guess that's bothering me without more context or i don't know... Assurance? I am not afraid he will cheat on me. And i know that he chose to marry ME and that doesn't mean nothing. And we got married at a time that we believed in marriage for eternity, so it's not like he was biding his time with me til something better came along. And he has told me a hundred times that i am who he wants forever. And it was fairly innocuous, i think we all have this "i love my spouse so i don't want this to happen, but if one day I'm alone again, if really like to have a chance with " kinda thing. It's just my brain is chewing on it nonstop because it's new info and it's incomplete info. This girl lived across the world but a few years ago we saw her at the grocery store. So i know she moved to here and even lives nearby. But she is married (to a dumpy guy, he says) and "her nose got weird with pregnancy" I'm not worried about her. I'm just having nonsensical stress about this new info i guess. And i really love him and sometimes i think he deserves better than me. I need to be better. I need to be perfect. I should get in better shape. I need better style. He's so gorgeous. I need to match and when people he used to know see me, they think 'that makes sense he would have a wife like that' not 'oh.. How did that happen' I need to show him more that i love him and show him and do more things for him and just be more perfect I guess I'm a little scared he'll one day realize I'm not good enough for him. This feeling has been around before. It wasnt caused by this event, but maybe just brought up again by it. And i hate that i hurt him. And i always assume bad intentions when he does not have them because im just so used to being used or stepped on or derided. He's not like that. I should be past assuming the worst by now. Sometimes he is a little callous or careless though and those scattered instances reaffirm the bad conditioning so much stronger than all the good things.

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