#if masculinity is built upon stereotypes and i can never truly meet those stereotypes then what makes me a man? it’s the feeling of it?

[ezraphobicsoup]

sometimes i think i’m a fully proper binary guy. and then i think about gender for a minute too long and

#no but i am a guy i’m not non binary #but equally what makes me a man? what is masculinity?? how can i identify with something i don’t understand?? but i am a man! but why?? what #does that mean???? what makes anyone anything and does it matter??? no of course not! all that matters is that people can comfortably view #themselves and that’s the point of gender; to be comfortable #and gender *roles* are just bullshit and not real. but if not for gender roles where does gender come from?? again does it matter???? #i mean really. we’re all just people and it’s about being happy. these boxes exist for a variety of reasons but if there’s happiness in the #box then you take the fucking box #you can have as many boxes as you like. or none! you just do what makes you happy. .. but then what makes me happy #cause as i say. i am a man completely. i wouldn’t be happy if someone referred to me as not a man. but am i a Man? do i want to be? #if masculinity is built upon stereotypes and i can never truly meet those stereotypes then what makes me a man? it’s the feeling of it? #the euphoria in being someone’s son. someone’s brother. someone’s boyfriend. you know? maybe that’s all it needs to be #i don’t have to understand masculinity to be a man. maybe no one actually understands masculinity or feminity for that matter because theyre #not tangible things. that’s what it boils down to it’s fucking intangibility and culture isn’t it #and i mean i think in a sense that’s beautiful? gender boxes can suck because of what we say are in them but really inherently? the fact #that humans have such an array of ways to make ourselves feel more comfortable in how we talk about ourselves? that’s incredible #i think that’s all i have to say for now #once again this is macbeths fault fuck shakespeare why does this always happen #ezra’s real life rambles #tldr i am a binary man but in a silly way i think. ever so slightly to the left. but i like being seen just as a guy and that’s easy enough #sorry to uh broadcast this on tumblr dot com if you read all of this i hope this was interesting

[wanderingsoul]

“questions to ask yourself before the new year”

what is one small way you can become a better person? for others? for yourself? 

as much as i preach personal growth, i do not often focus on one area that i can improve on. usually i strive towards a more wholistic change, or generic ways that i can build myself into the person that i want to become. i think i want to become more humble? i really think i’m the shit all the time, and that just exacerbates my alpha complex, and i’m kind of over it. while i love the power trip, i truly think it gets in the way of being a kind person. and although being kind is such a generic goal but honestly i think that is my manifestation for this year- kindness. to myself, my body, my journey. to others- meaningful gifts, gentle words, patience and loyalty.  

what are you holding onto currently that is no longer serving you? why are you holding on? what’s one small step you can take towards releasing it? 

i think i am holding on to a lot of values that were never really mine, and that don’t necessarily align with the direction that i am now going. family values passed down from my parents, including gender stereotypes and expectations, sexual shame, family structure and life fulfillment. its challenging to find out who i really am or what i believe in when i constantly hear their voices echoing in my head, and feel their silent or not so silent judgement. i just want to become someone that i can be proud of, and that person might look totally different than the daughter they would be proud of. and i have this constant battle between who they want me to be and who i should be. i’m holding on because there was a time when i truly believed in those values and they resonated deeply within me. and i believe its hard to give up anything that you build your life upon. so i am in the demolition and remodeling phase of my life, and i am honestly not sure what is going to come out on the other side. i hope that it is someone who is passionate, kind, generous and loyal, no matter which side of the coin i fall on, or what side of the isle, or where i fall on the scale of sexuality. i want the person who i become to be in love with myself, in love with life, and grounded in who i have built myself to be. 

goal for the new year that excites me? goal that scares me? 

the entire idea of rebuilding myself- my brand if you will is terribly exciting and also terrifying. as much as i want to be this person that is confident in who i am becoming, i also know the emotional toll it will take to explain, argue, and defend everything about who i am. ideally i would be allowed this journey with grace, but i know that my family will not allow this without a fight. it is especially hard because religion is everything to me, and they cannot fathom that it would not be everything to me. i am very comfortable allowing them to live out their religious beliefs and even though i may not agree with everything, i try not to criticize too much, and i just beg for the same. i believe it to be possible to coexist in a loving relationship without hatred of difference, and now we take on the impossible task of convincing them of this. 

what do you want to be a student of in the new year? 

i want to be a student of generous empathy, and open understanding. i want to start at ground zero with everyone i meet, and even those i have known fo years. i want to leave behind expectations and try to understand others in a way that i would want to be understood. i want to be a student of listening, and hear beyond the words, into the feelings and aching of the soul. i want to be a student of grace, and give each person the benefit of the doubt, and never assume the worst of anyone. 

who in your life deserves the biggest thank you for this year? 

the many teachers in my life. not education teachers, but those who taught me worthy life lessons. my lover anthony, who taught me about longing, giving, receiving, and heartbreak. my friend alexa, who taught me kindness, forgiveness and that everyone deserves a second chance. my soul mate mikaela, for teaching me bravery, and to trust the journey. my mother, for teaching me the importance of family, how to create space when the world feels like its crashing in, and the gift that a warm embrace can be. my father, for teaching me to value connection and to build it whenever you can with those you love. and to countless others who have shown me different facets of myself throughout the year, how to value myself, and to reach past myself to see others. 

what can you thank yourself for this year? 

i can thank myself for resilience. this year has been life changing in so many ways. i have told my friends many times, but i truly remember so many moments from this year. often at the end of the year everyone remarks about how fast it went, and that they can’t remember anything that happened to them. this year was one of the most influential i’ve ever experienced and we made it all the way through, giving love and patience to myself when needed, and pushing myself into places i never thought i would be. i can thank myself for my job, and my career that is always rewarding in ways i could never have imagined. 

what have you outgrown this year? 

toxic masculinity and femininity. gender stereotypes. belittling others. fake friends. boys who have the audacity to try me. comparison. expectations of timing for personal growth. the color purple. red meat. tearing myself down.

what is an important boundary to set in the new year? 

giving of myself when i am not comfortable/before i am ready. this year i am manifesting emotional and physical space where i make the rules and do not give unless i want to, and have had time to make the decision. 

what’s a memory from this past year that makes you smile just thinking about it? 

january - the freedom of waiheke island, new zealand. eating a plum on the beach in wellington. “women can do anything”. the boat ride on lake wakatipu. 

february- meeting joey for the first time, and his lil helmet. mariah adopts nut! 

march- taking dumb vides of the security workers at the bethel gate. dawson brown pays mariah uphoff $1 at lunch. mariah stephonson and i adopt plants from trader joes and immediately kill them. photoshoot with korbyn and erin on the top of the parking ramp. the meme of the lil hamster wearing a cowboy hat. 

april - mariah’s softball game with anthony, getting pizza. cohort baby! celebrating mariah and erin’s birthday at union.

may - trip to camp, getting to be a part of the dance on stage as a chalice (cheese cheers in the kitchen). first bonfire at the ranch. dinner with emma hawkins at the nook. first sleepover with anthony, he tried to hard to kiss me and i wouldn’t let him. graduation!! celebration at johns- bonfire. 

june - trip to europe (drinking on the front porch with mikaela at our air bnb in germany). gyros in balingen. insel mainau - the island of flowers. 21st birthday in front of the eiffel tower! trying sangria in germany. drinking moonshine for the first time in a garage and crying over kittens with karl. moving into the ranch! blackbear concert. 

july - anthony’s birthday (dangerous man brewing company, playing games). date night with anthony at new bohemia, talking accounting, failing miserably at trivia. camp trip- family picture with sam and david (showing off in front of teenagers at pirate’s cove). 

august - garden of the gods with emma! camping trip on the north shore with mikaela, silka and karl. roommate date at nelsons. brule trip with the squad #brulebuddiesforlife. last day as a nanny! soccer game with alexa and mariah. 

september- luau party at erin’s. como trip with silka. alexa spontaneously cuts all my hair off. first day of work! first gopher’s game with kjersten! downtown with mariah, declan, silka and jaden. eating a turkey leg at renaissance festival. 

october - hockey party, eating tacos with shep in bed. camp trip (fall colors, good friends, bonding time with suzie). halloween in mankato (party getting shut down at 10pm). getting to see joey again. 

november - working on habitat for humanity house with coworkers. lots of hippo pictures. baby yoda taking over the internet and all of our hearts. 

december - remi wolf and cautious clay concert! first timberwolves with alexa and declan (wwe night). tattoos with alexa. buying a car?? 6 mile hike with john and karl. driving with deep talks with mikaela. mitchell gets married?!