#if not oh wellz i guess

[kinardscoffee]

Can we just talk about the fact that Buck has always gone above and beyond for everyone in his life?

And how having someone else be there for him is a huge fucking deal?

Buck has such a deep-seated fear of abandonment, and the show has made it so REAL, given his childhood, and i pray the writers put our boy back in therapy to address it. Clearly, the Buckley parents hardly showed affection towards Buck as a child, even to the extreme of cutting off an emotional connection to ultimately help them bury their grief over Daniel. And Buck could feel this. A tiny child who just wants to be loved "anyway" and has lived his entire life in fear that any future physical and emotional relationships he finds will always abandon him because it's literally all he knows.

Buck has always craved a connection to something. Whether it's with his sister, at jobs, with friends, with romantic partners... he approaches everything and everyone in his life like they're this brand new amazing piece of his charred. scattered puzzle.

And, still, everyone has either left him, made him feel like the problem or a burden, or told him he's not good enough.

And we know he values his family (both blood and found) above everything else around him.

But like, who does it for him?

I'm not saying the 118, Maddie, or past LIs haven't been there for him, but, at one point in time, they've all made him feel some type of way during their relationship with him. Whether it was completely accidental or not.

Yes, even Eddie, who called him exhausting and shut Buck out of his life when it came to the underground fighting. Even after Eddie left the 118 and was struggling with his PTSD. And I'm not saying Eddie is a dick for all that. He was having a bad time. I'm just saying he can't really understand Buck in that way.

And that's okay.

Eddie, along with everyone else in Buck's life, is there for him in their own special way that helps make Buck learn from past mistakes and become a better person.

But then he meets Tommy.

Someone who went above and beyond, putting both his job and his life on the line by flying Hen, Chim, Eddie and Buck out to search for a cruise ship in the middle of a hurricane.

And that has to impress the shit out of Buck. Which is why there is an immediate attraction and need to get to know this man. Buck feels drawn to him because maybe, just maybe, the pieces broken inside himself could ultimately match up to those within Tommy.

Buck can't stop thinking about Tommy because no one else he's ever dated has treated Buck with this amount of attention or makes him feel secure in the fact that his feelings matter.

And yeah, Tommy ended their first date early, and I know some people didn't appreciate that, but you also have to understand that Tommy has feelings too. We don't canonically know Tommy's story, but I'm confident he's broken inside by the same insecurities that Buck has.

So, Buck realizing that his actions on the date weren't right and deciding to put everything on the line to Tommy?

We aren't dealing with the same Buck from S6 who thought Natalia saw him because he died.

No.

Buck sees Evan. He sees himself and the life he's ready to live.

And finally, he's making himself a priority.

He's not basing this relationship on Tommy or what anyone else thinks. He's pursuing this relationship for himself and for the first time... it's his time.

And Tommy just keeps showing up for it.

He doesn't ridicule Buck on wanting to throw Chim a bachelor party that wasn't wanted. He stays as long as he can before getting called into work. And I'm willing to bet that the man didn't even eat anything because Buck said they had to wait for Chim.

And those looks!

The kicked puppy look that Buck gives Tommy says so much. There's a sadness that he failed at throwing a successful bachelor party, I mean, Chim didn't even show up. There's a sudden concern that the guy he likes is going to a fire that most likely is highly dangerous and large considering they called him in for it.

Tommy gives him a look that shows he understands all of the feelings that Buck is struggling with in that moment. And then he goes on to promise that he will try his best to make it to the wedding.

And you can tell that Buck doesn't believe that. Why would Tommy even consider coming back for Buck? Hell, maybe there wasn't even a fire. Maybe Tommy just created an easy out for an awkward situation.

But I like to believe that Tommy checked in with Buck periodically, and then when he found out that Chim was missing, his texts came in more frequently as his job would allow.

And im sure at one point, Buck told him that he didn't need to come. That he was off the hook because the wedding was at the hospital. No free food or chance of that dance.

Only, Tommy assures him he'll still be there.

And, holy shit, for the first time in Buck's life, someone has kept their word above all else.

Tommy shows up, dirty, exhausted, still in his uniform, hitching a ride on the firetruck or one of those ambulances parked outside, looking both concerned and apologetic.

But all Buck sees is the guy he's crazy about showing up all because Buck wanted him to.

And I just think that's really fucking huge.

#apparently im a rambler #hope it makes sense #if not oh wellz i guess #911 spoilers #911 abc #evan buckley #911 fandom #bucktommy #tommy kinard #911 speculation #i don't know what this is actually

[evpatya]

heyah!!! :-3

i wanna share my regretevator npc concept.

Glerpy is gnarpian. Xe has a height of a normal player, or a bit higher.

Xe has 150-140 hp, and can enter the elevator.

From part xe is infected with a virus ( i described it on the reference pic), but it doesent affect xem.

Glerpy is a scientist, who is sent from planet to explore the regretevator and other npcs and other races. Xe enters the evelator on the "Area 51" floor when you activate all the devices. Xe will walk from the opened door with a last device. If you activate not all things, Glerpy wont enter.

facts abt xem

• xe is not that agressive to other npcs, as Gnarpy

• xe isnt related with gnarpian army

•Glerpy doesent understand what Fleshcousin is and tries to ask more questions

•xe knows abt gnarpy, but they look more like acquaintances

Intetraction phrases:

snowball:

"pleaz, ztop."

" ZTOP. "

spray:

"why are u zpraying me with diz thing????"

" iz thiz even safe???"

-------------------

xe will have dialogues w pest, Gnarpy, Poob, and Fleshcousin.

DIALOGUES.

Pest:

p—Are you one of those mean and angry gnarpians?

g—UhhhH whatz? sorry, i didntz lizten

p— Nothing. ホラー。

g — Alzo, what can yourz hornz do? Can u drzop zem?

p - None of your business.

g — rzude!!!

Gnarpy:

gl- Hello, general.

gn - UUUh FINALLY ZOMEONE NORMALZ I AM TIREDZ OF DIZ ZTUPID CREATUREZ!!

gl — Andz why are zhey ztupid?

gn — UUUUhh BECAUZ!!!!

Poob:

p- Hello! Who are u?

gl - Hello. I woulz likez not introduze myzelf. Butz, do u like partyz??

p- YEAH! how did you guess that??

gl -your accessoryz zay zo. And, i wanna azk zomething.

p - whatever ! :-)

Fleshcousin:

g - uh, why are u movinz like zat??

f - as cold world path fox table down the train weather

g - what doez zat mean? And why arez u falling apartz?

f - road ticket book hat party look

g - THATZ MAKEZ NO ZENZE!!! can u tell normally?

f- znarp zroad day znepping on zerp

q- WAIT WHATZ? ok, i understoodz.

ENTERING ELEVATOR:

— Oh, you donez really wellz.

— I wouldz like to azk you zomething.

full elevator :

— i wouldz better ztay here...

—uh.. no timez for exzploring

In the elevator:

— What didz i zay beforez? UUUh bad memozry..

— would you likez to volunteezr to my ezxpirient?

ALSO. he comews out on:

- slide 4 admin

- infected apartment (he sits on the couch)

- UES (uses computer)

- funny maze

xe has also a model, and sounds :-3

( it was in axosun dc https://discord.com/channels/607652967092584470/1179874260798414968/1180641381572673586 )

#regretevator #npc #concept art

[damnedifivoodoo]

just once in my life id like to have the Skinny Straight Girl experience of borrowing a guys hoodie and being cute and snuggly in it

#but like #im the size of a fucking blimp so oh wellz i guess

[is-that-another-soulmate-au]

Zukka Soulmate AU part 12

@mypureessence

@chaoticidiott

@ari-shipping-stuff

@knightedbot

@idkhowbutimgayer

@swampy-beans

@angrylittleintrovert

Traveling on foot was definitely... not fun, but hey, what are you gonna do right? Definitely not avoid the guy you just confessed your undying but also irritating love to. Totally not. Sokka was only at the front because he had the map and is the only one that knows how to read it is all.

"I think we should stop here and camp for the night, its got a good bit of water so we can refill the canteens and you two can practice waterbending" Sokka said with a sigh while he rolled up his map and took a stance in front of the small oasis sort of looking place he picked.

Lily grinned "so what you're saying is I finally get to see waterbending other than water out of the canteen to drink?"

Katara and Aang gave confused looks "yeah? Didn't know you wanted to.."

"Well, with an earthbending boyfriend and a firebending boyfriend while living nowhere near any waterbenders you can guess that I've never seen anybody bend water so I am DYING to see you guys bend some water"

"Me to" Kurt raised his hand

"Yeah, me three" Tarren said with a smirk.

The two waterbenders only gave awkward chuckles before everyone started to settle into their spots, Sokka ontop of a rock, iroh and Jee under one of the trees with a small fire going and some tea over it, ginger as requested by Lily. Lily Tarren and Kurt all watched Aang and Katara bend water between the two of them, the two earthkingdom kids mesmerized by the gentle movements of the water just before Kurt joined the pair in the water.

"What are you doing?" Katara asked with a raised brow without stopping the waterbending.

"Joining" was all Kurt offered before he lit a small flame and started bending in the same forms as Aang and Katara, the flames seeming to mirror the image of the water but with heat and less liquid control. "I learned my bending from water scrolls" he said with a smile.

"I... didnt know it was possible to learn one bending from another kinds form..." Katara said with a clearly interested tone

"Its all I've ever known," kurt shurgged while bending the fire "you could bend wTer similarly to fire if you were more on the aggressive offense, more like earth if you were aggressive defense, more like air if you were more like a breeze, light and free." Kurt extinguished hus flame "I've only ever studied water scrolls and earth scrolls for bending but reading what little Ive found on air nomad culture and bending and seeing Aang in action I might be able to pick up a bit of the style"

"Wow! Your Sokka but with firebending!" Toph chimed in.

"He's... what?" Sokka turned to Toph with a confused look

"You.. you know the nonbending style of each nation and kurt knows the firebending style of each nation" Toph said with a shrug

"No wonder I trusted him" Sokka gave Kurt a thumbs up

Zuko who was filling canteens during this entire conversation and just finished tossed the last one onto the pile of their belongings loudly before storming off with a shout. He knew that comment shouldn't have gotten to him, Sokka was just making light of the situation but with all that had went down over the past week Zuko was drained and didn't have the energy to try and decode Sokka. He wouldn't have to decode him if Sokka would just talk to him like a normal person. But no. Its, be standoffish, be gentle, be harsh, confess, and then avoid.

He normally didn't want to talk to people so it pissed him off to no end how much he wanted to talk to Sokka even though Sokka wanted nothing to do with him. He was lost in his heas long enough he came to a small Boulder by a tree and plopped his brooding self on said boulder to rest against the tree. A badgerfrog hopped out infront of him and croaked "Why can't I just express normally" Zuko groaned out "not like he does, but hey, one of us should right?" He got a short croak in return "I mean, hes better at talking to people than I am! And he knows that! Everyone does! I suck at... socializing in general..." Zuko shrugged but once again got a short croak in return "wellz yeah, I was raised in a palace but my dad never wanted me to take the throne so I wasn't really taught how to... act around people? If that makes sense"

"Yeah it makes sense"

"Really? I us- wait a second" Zuko turned to see Sokka standing there with a smirk, to which he yelped and fell off the boulder with a thud and an "ouch you jerk!"

Sokka let out a giddy laugh while helping Zuko to his feet "sorry, sorry, I just... usually its me being walked in on like this."

"You... talk to animals to solve your problems?"

"No goofy, I talk to Yue" Sokka gave a grin

"Yue? You mean the northern princess?" Zuko narrowed his eyes with confusion

"Yeah! Except she's the moon now so I talk to the moon... I doubt she can actually hear me but I know she's there, yknow, when she was little she had a burning on her left eye just like you and me but the spirit water was able to heal her and prevent the scar from ever showing up"

"Wait, are you saying Yue was supposed to be our soulmate? But she... turned into the moon?" Sokka only laughed in response "Sokka I'm serious! What do you mean she turned into the moon"

"Oh, right you weren't there for all of it. Well, the moon spirit gave Yue life when she was born si after Zhao killed the fish she... gave it back" Sokka looked down "I had to watch her turn into the moon spirit and disappear"

Zuko blinked once, twice, and thrice before responding "thats rough buddy"

"Yeah, well, at least I have you right?" Sokka grabbed Zuko's collar "say, why did you run off, you were saying something to toady over there, but I wanna hear it"

"I was jealous" Zuko said plainly which caught Sokka off guard

"Of?"

"You trusting Kurt so easily"

"Oh... wait you want me to trust you? Thats all? You're being broody because you want me to trust you? Zuko I already do trust you"

"Hey! I am not broody!"

Sokka pulled Zuko in for a quick kiss "yes... you are, but its okay, your cute when you brood. Now lets get back to camp Lily said she was going to make dinner and I dont know about you but I'm starving"

Zuko didnt get the option to choose he was instead lifted up and hoisted over Sokka's shoulder "hey! Put me down! I can walk just fine"

"Sure you can, but were you actually going to follow me back to camp?"

Zuko stayed quiet for a bit before mumbling "no..."

The walk back was quiet and short but he was, instead of being set down, thrown down but the fall was gentle because Aang managed to bend some air for him. "Jerk"

"Yeah, but I'm cute and you forgive me right?" Sokka made puppydig eyes and Zuko couldnt help but laugh at him

"Yeah, sure, whatever you say oh cute one"

#avatar the last airbender #avatar: the last airbender #prince zuko #zuko #atla zuko #atla oc #atla sokka #sokka #zukka #i will die on my endless soulmate au hill #soulmate alternate universe #soulmates #soulmate #earthbender #earthbender oc #firebender oc #firebender #nonbender

[nikossasaki]

15 Questions 15 Mutuals

I was tagged by these lovely mutuals: @saltnhalo @aborddelimpala & @beefcakemish 💜

1. Are you named after anyone?

My mom liked the name Priscilla Presley so there ya go😅

2. When was the last time you cried?

I don’t cry very often but I did tear up & had watery eyes from the last doctor who ep😥

3. Do you have kids?

Oh hellz no🙅🏻‍♀️ lolz!

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Sometimes for laughs but I’m not that quick to be very effective 😝

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

I guess I notice their face & hair first cuz I’m always looking up at peeps due to my shortness

6. What’s your eye colour?

Just brown 👀

7. Scary movie or happy ending?

Definitely happy ending or I can’t watch cuz I don’t like to be sad after watching a movie since it’s my escapism 🙈 I’m also a scaredy cat & get too freaked out my scary movies

8. Any special talents?

Wellz I consider gift giving my super power😆 if I know you well I’m pretty good at finding something you’ll really like 🎁

9. Where were you born?

Hawaii ☀️🌴

10. What are your hobbies?

Watching tv & giffing...yeah not very exciting 😅

11. Have any pets?

I wish I did cuz I love cats a lot 😻

12. What sports have you or do you play?

Never have & never will. My head is actually a ball magnet😒

13. How tall are you?

Barely 5-ft🙈

14. Favourite school subject?

I never really had one but had fave teachers

15. Dream job?

Gosh I really really really wish I could be a professional tourist!!✈️

I hope it’s ok but I’d like to tag: @angvlicmish @blueskysammy @cas-backwards-tie @castielrisingabove @dammitjensen @dandelion-teabag @freckledean @gracefuldean @idjit @inacatastrophicmind @magicstars @malevolent-dean @mishacolins @robotsnchicks @vinylackles 💜

#long post #about me #tag games #thank you for the tag! #text post #non spn #q

[ghostemane333]

Just going to write a random note:

When you want to ask someone-someone's last name, but you don't want to be weird about it. Lol. I feel like it would just be weird to text someone and be like "hey...what's your friends last name?" Because then maybe I don't know you know they may feel like you don't want to be friends with them...but that isn't the truth at all. I'd like to build lots of friendships, or at least a couple really good ones. But yeah...i'll either get over this or end up finding a way to figure out someones last name without having to ask someone lol. I could probably just text someone and it could also be a conversation starter too. Also I don't think someone would think i'm that (insert influx) weird. I guess maybe I just felt like saying that just in case someone would (insert influx) think i'm that weird lol. Also I should've inserted in the influx earlier lol. Oh wellz. Okay, I'm gonns go do something else now. Adios amigos. Muchachos. ❤

[bottsbotts]

I’ve had spooky stuff for like 7 months and never really explored it so I guess now is an appropriate time. 

im imagining ezra carves this pumpkin and then it disappears and he’s like ?? oh wellz and then it becomes sentient and grows knife arms and kills everyone, the end.

#i only played for 20 minutes #being an adult sucks #hi all and bye again

[thestormfall]

Contestshipping Week 2017 - Day 2

Day 2

Theme: Butterflies

Rating: GA+

Chou

Drew was stuck. He had loss, what, three contests in a row? That was practically unthinkable for him. Maybe he was losing his edge. Which was not good, because he already lost one thing –

His rival.

…

…Fine, okay, maybe he was being a little bit overdramatic. He didn’t exactly lose her – May was just taking a break from being a coordinator for a season. No big deal. It’s not like he didn’t know where she was. She was back in Hoenn with Max, accompanying him on his first year out as a trainer, to help him find his feet. She could have still participated in contest but no, she said that she wanted to take some time out to get some inspiration back. Apparently, she was inspired by one of Ash’s other coordinator friends, Dawn, who took some time out before.

Speaking of Dawn, she was the one who beat him in the finals at his last contest. Drew kept up with watching the careers of notable coordinators and she started from zero and could now beat him? What was with Ash and finding talented coordinators? (Not that he would tell May that she was talented, or anything).

It wasn’t enough that she had beat him, Dawn came up to him after the contest and wanted to chat with him.

“So you’re Drew. May told me all about you.” She then giggled and there was a glint in her eyes that he didn’t like. He was so tempted to ask what exactly had May talked about but Drew didn’t roll like that.

Drew was cool.

“I talked to May before the contest and she wished be good luck,” the girl continued. “She didn’t mention that you were going to be in this contest!”

Again, he was tempted to ask how regularly did they talk to each other. May had not contacted him in weeks!

However, Drew was still cool, and so replied, “Well, I suppose I forgot to mention I was going to enter the last time we talked.” He hadn’t even decided to enter this contest the last time he talked to her – that’s how long ago it was (though Dawn didn’t need to know that).

“Anyway, what do you think of Brendan, since he’s travelling with her and Max now?”

“Who the hell is Brendan?” Drew practically snapped, now losing absolutely all his cool.

She was travelling with someone else as well now? That seems like something you should update your rival with. Right? Right?

She looked taken aback. “Huh? Did she not tell you? You know, he’s like her childhood friend or something? Brendan?”

He stared at her blankly.

“Brendan Birch, son of Prof. Birch? He’s getting pretty famous now in Hoenn as a trainer. Can’t wait for May to introduce him to me in person. I mean I’ve crossed meeting Gary Oak off my list but it’ll be even better to – ”

“She never told me she was travelling with him.” He interrupted her with a scowl.

“Well, maybe she’ll tell you next time you talk -”

“Yeah, if she ever feels like calling me again.”

“Okay, like May told me you could be rude but sheesh could you stop interrupting me,” said Dawn. “You have like no chill.”

She hit the nail with that one. What was up with him today? He was definitely having a bad day but he didn’t need to take it out on someone he just met, especially one of May’s friends.

“Right…sorry about that,” he said, trying to regain his calm. “What were you saying?”

“Yeah, so I mean she’ll probably introduce you to Brendan next time you guys talk. I’m sure she’ll contact you soon. I mean I can ask her you, if you want?” she offered.

Urgh, while that was very nice of Dawn now that made him look pathetic. And clingy. Maybe he should just change subjects.

“…So how’s Max? Did he seem well too?”

Dawn suddenly looked excited again. “Yes he did! Get this, Brendan has a Volcarona. Apparently his Volcarona and May’s Beautifly get along really well. Max likes leaving his pokemon out while they sleep so they’ve all started doing it. So one day they all woke up and boom! There was a Pokémon egg right there with them. They’ve given it to Max so he’s pretty psyched about seeing which whether he gets a Wurmple or a Larvesta, though personally I think he’s hoping for the latter.”

“So you’re telling me that May and Brendan’s pokemon had an egg together?”

“Well, I mean that wasn’t really the key point I was trying to make but yeah,” Dawn said. “Are you okay Drew? You don’t look so good.”

“I don’t know, I think I might be a bit ill, maybe.” His stomach did feel weird.

“Oh gosh, you should go get some rest then! If you’re still around we could meet up again? We could call May together, if that works for you?”

“I’ll think about it,” he said reluctantly.

Thanking Dawn for the talk, he started heading back to the room at the pokemon centre he was staying in.

xxx

“Look, I know that you’re tired today. But hear me out.”

It was hard for others to decipher what a Masquerain was thinking, as it had no mouth to smile or growl with, but after being its trainer for a while, Drew could mostly figure out its mood. it didn’t look too amused about being called out when it was almost time to head to sleep.

“I hate to break it to you this way. This isn’t how you should have found out.”

His pokemon gave out an inquisitive sound.

“…Alright, no point beating around the bush. May’s got a new travelling partner, Brendan, and he has a Volcarona. May’s Beautifly…likes it. They had an egg together.”

Masquerain didn’t seem to be reacting.

“Look, I know that you’re good at pretending that you don’t care. But I know you do and I just want you to know that it’ll be okay.”

Still nothing.

“You don’t know who this Volcarona is. But I’m a hundred percent sure you’re better. The moment Beautifly sees you it’ll come flying back, I know it.”

Silence.

“I mean you two have had a bond for years, right? I even gave flowers to Beautifly to help wingman you, you know?”

Drew was certain that he had never heard a ‘laughing’ sound from Masquerain before, but it was certainly making one now.

“What do you mean that those roses were always for May? Have you and Roserade been talking about me behind my back again? I mean, yes I did start giving the roses to her before I even caught you but that’s not the point.”

Now Masquerain started making what sounded like an exasperated sound.

“Excuse me? I’m not using this talk to try and redirect my feelings about May, don’t be ridiculous.”

He didn’t even know Masquerain could roll its eyes until this moment.

“I am not jealous of Brendan, why would I be jealous?”

Before Masquerain could make another sound, there was a weird thump sound at the window. It was strange, considering he was on the second floor. Drew pulled up the curtains and slid the window open and immediately a Beautifly came flying in.

“Wait,” Drew looked down. “May!?”

There wasn’t a response. Masquerain lazily flew up to the Beautifly, which seemed pretty lost and started saying something to it. The Beautifly hovered for a moment and then flew back out the window and joined, what Drew could now make out in the darkness, a larger group of Beautiflies.

“…Er, guess it got confused by the light in the room.”

Masquerain floated back down to Drew’s eye level.

“What? No I did not call out May’s name, you’re hearing things.”

Seeming to have enough of Drew’s crap, Masquerain blew a few bubbles at Drew’s face and proceeded to tap it’s pokeball to return to it.

Good thing no one else could understand Masquerain because that was the most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to him in his life and he would die if the story of what just happened got out.

Right, okay, maybe he would really need to take up Dawn’s offer to call May with her tomorrow.

xxx

[It turned out that was not the most embarrassing moment in his life because when he and Dawn got on the phone with May, Dawn told her all about how Drew was (as she described) ‘pouty’ that May hadn’t called him in ages. He had to just sit there as the tables were turned and May was smirking at him (that was his thing). Then Brendan got on the line and started gushing about how it was such a funny coincidence that May also had a rival-turned-boyfriend with green hair. So not only did Drew look idiotic for being jealous yesterday (yes he admitted it…to himself) but he also had to try and correct him to say they weren’t dating without losing his cool again. Dawn sat there cackling to herself all the while, seeming to have known that Brendan had a boyfriend and could have possibly tried to rile him up on purpose. Lesson learnt – Dawn was devious and he should avoid having contests with her at all costs.]

A/N: Inspired by this Wikipedia entry:“If a butterfly enters your guestroom and perches behind the bamboo screen, it is said in Japan that the person whom you most love is coming to see you.” (Chou means butterfly in japanese so yaay)

The actual result went way of course from this but oh wellz. Also this was meant to be a drabble and super short but ended up 1.5K...whoops.

#contestshipping #CSWeek2017 #trainer brendan #trainer may #trainer drew #minor #loverivalshipping #my fanfic #thestormfall

[thelightgreenpapaya]

Ah it’s been so long since I last wrote! Think this semester past by just as fast as the last one did... Kinda promised myself that I would treat myself better by taking it chill this sem but I guess once I got a taste of the grind I can’t really stop myself anymore huh. 😅 It’s okay though. Think life is more interesting this way anyways :)

//

An update about my life. Hmmm, I think I’m too busy most of the time to think about life and all, but I am learning fast, so that’s probably a good sign (I think!). Hope to be the best version of myself when next year comes!

//

I do feel that I’m neglecting my friends a little tho. But then again part of that problem comes from the fact that I made too many friends in my first two years of uni anyways, and now I find it especially hard to maintain them, given the increasing amount of activities I commit myself to. Oh well, if they wanna stay, they’ll stay anyways :))

//

Oh and I can’t help but feel a little lonely these days, especially since most of my close friends are attached. (and one of them even decided to alienate me for her boyfriend, prolly coz he’s an insecure bastard who knows no love... oh wellz 🙃) Anyways, thinking of going back to dating soon! But knowing myself, I probably won’t find someone I really really like some time soon... Maybe I should try to be more proactive?? But I kinda still believe in date to marry though, even though the last one didn’t work out so well. 😅

//

It’s study period again, and I can’t help but feel that exams are doing nothing but boosting my ego, and I’ve experienced it first hand this semester that my ego will be the downfall of me... ( or IS the downfall of me) Think I really need to do something to keep my ego in check, in order to move forward and continue to excel. I feel it’s quite an important issue to deal with..

//

That’s all for this time round! Till the next time we meet 😘

[kai-cadwell]

Emotions

Ah yes. I just LOVE it when I get in a long depression of hating myself and my life. Heheh. Oh wellz. Guess I just gotta try get through this until mum gets me to doctors. Here's hoping I have bipolar or some shit and that I'm not just generally fucked up. XD

#depressive #depression #bipolar #emotions #mental health #mental disorder #mental illness #existential crisis

[peachladyamy]

first day of school? didn’t go as bad as I thought, but definitely need more time to warm up with the ppl. honestly speaking, the whole EFCM program still seems a little unorganized, but i guess we just have to put up with it cuz it’s just the way things work in france. the student ID looks super flimsy, we dont have any proper book or resources for the course. i mean, yeah we can try tolerating all these but wish they actually worked to improve on these, rather than just giving us the french-ways-of-doing-things excuse. it’s really kind of lame sometimes. 

aaaand the house almost caught fire today, cuz the owner forgot to switch the gas off in the kitchen:/ the burnt smell lasted quite a while. oh wellz.

i need to get an insect repellent immediately.

[chriswellz]

Appeasement (A day in the life of someone who fucks up daily)

Sometimes, doing what people want, isn't what they want. Or at least not at that moment. Or maybe it is, but maybe they only want it sometimes, but not all the time. Or maybe they want it all the time, but don't register what you're doing with their wants, despite it being just that. Or maybe we translated it wrong. Maybe clear spoken English isn't enough. We're complicated creatures. All I know is, being consistent or inconsistent or switching up to the appropriate decisions that are desired are both desired and undesired for many different reasons. One day, what you said back then meant something. Today, it means nothing. Or back then, it meant nothing, and it means something today. You never know when these types of things occur. And being “human” reacting the same way how everybody else reacts is wrong for us, but right for them. Because I guess we don't have that privilege to feel the same way. Only they do. Because of the circumstances we put ourselves in?

You can't win. You can't lose either. You just deal with it. That's life, I guess. When you're someone like me who has behaved for many years inconsistently, even when you finally decide to say "Fuck it. I'm done being this way. I'm changing" off the drop of a hat, I guess that negative energy in your previous actions bleeds over to the other side of who you're trying to become now no matter what you do. And these are just the early stages of that change. 

Kinda like how the way people say "Once a cheater, always a cheater" because even if you actually became a changed man, no matter what you do, those people who view you that way will always look at you as a cheater. They made up their mind that you are not the person you say you are. Even if your actions say otherwise. It could take years, decades even. And that's if those people around you would even bother to stick around long enough to be convinced that maybe you aren't the person they think you are. Maybe they will finally see the person you're trying to be one day. And maybe not. And you can't be mad at that. It's just the way it is. We damage people and we hurt them just as much as they hurt us. But nobody can see their wrongdoings. So we focus on our own and we become the puppet of appeasement. But can we blame them? Or can we? Is there a hierarchy to appeasement or something? Or is human interaction always a 50/50 mutually giving thing? Is it because we all individually prioritize the value of what we do? Is the value of someone giving you a car equal value to you making sure their house is clean everyday? Does one matter, but the other doesn't? 

How do we get to common ground with the people we love? Because saying “Just stay consistent” isn’t enough because now we’re here. We only say that because we weren’t consistent in the first place. So we’ve developed a bias against ourselves from people we love to begin with. So you know, I know, giving people what they want isn’t going to be with open arms. We’re used to the drama, the stress, the negativity. We’re preparing and getting ready for the argument, the fight, the break up, the falling out, the tears, the rage, the pain. We’re not looking forward to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, things will be alright and everything is going according to plan. Ideally, that’s what we all want, but we’re not expecting it because with life, not everything goes according to plan anyway. We’ve lived this type of life our entire lives, so what do we expect? For shit to actually get better? Can we even see through the eyes of others? What if “change” is literally right around the corner? What if it’s in front of your face?

Their expectations become a mixture of what they want today, to that very same thing not wanted tomorrow. I kinda fell into that type of system in my life. I've become a person where any effort is overlooked because they are anticipating me to fall back into the way things were, so whether it's done or not doesn't matter at that point. And if your realization to actually put forth action was influenced by someone on the outside, they'd much rather it had been realized 10 years ago by them instead. That’s when we get that very common thing in most issues in people “You just NOW realizing that? I told you this years ago!” or “It took somebody else from the outside to make you see the bigger picture?” or “Why weren’t you doing this before?” It becomes a battle of not that you’re actually trying to make the change, but that you didn’t make the change sooner. So it doesn't matter. They are mad that you didn’t change then, and they are mad that you’re deciding to change now after all that time. They’re mad for the actions of both. Not changing then was a negative, and making the change now is a negative. There is nothing positive about you making the change. It’s all negative. And they are still not convinced that you’ve changed anyway. You have completely destroyed the possibility of there ever being hope for the better or acknowledgement of your feats in their hearts. All you can do is stay consistent and change for the better and if nobody is convinced. The only person that needs to know that is yourself, apparently. 

That makes me very sad. I've had my days where I would switch that around and say "Well what about me? what about my feelings? What about what I want others to do?" And does that matter? Of course it does, but there's no telling when something like that would actually matter to those around you. And I've accepted that's how life is and how people's minds work. Maybe all of that is just playing the victim and there’s seriously nothing wrong with anyone else and maybe I’m just the problem and that’s that. Maybe everybody else is perfect and there’s not a single thing anyone around me needs to work on. Do feelings matter? I say feelings matter and at times I say “Fuck feelings!” because I feel they get in the way of what’s real. 

I’m at a crossroad in my life. I know what I want, I want the same thing everybody else wants. To be happy, to succeed, to live my dreams, to get along, to have fun, make money, live comfortably, enjoy the fruits of life. And I know the only way for that to happen is for me to MAKE it happen. But it’s going to be a long and rocky road. Because I created a pattern in my life that will not be overlooked. Even the days I don’t show that pattern. I’m trying to break that pattern now and it’s still a slippery slope. Because they’re not going to believe me. With words and with my actions. Because I’ve talked a good game for a very long time and I’ve lied to myself a lot! My actions will mean nothing. Because at the end of the day, everyone is expecting me to go back to doing the same bullshit I did yesterday.

All I can do is hope that my loved ones see it. Because no imaginary being in the sky is going to switch any of this around. Only I can. And if I stay consistent in my life (despite being a fallible human being) I know in the eyes of many, I will be a constant failure to them. I love them and all I can do is show them that from here on out.

You might be asking yourself “If nothing you do matters, why bother?” and you’re right to ask that. Why bother.......Why bother? Because when you realize this is the type of life you’ve made, you shouldn’t do it for others, you should change and better yourself FOR YOU! And if you become a better person because of these days and nobody else sees it, then oh well. That is life. At least you became a better person and that’s what counts.

—Chris Wellz

[oldthingsandmemes]

Remember when

I started this blog thinking I’d post vintage crap? Now it’s just all loner type posts and right wing politics. Oh wellz (guess I should change the name)