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gumnut-logic · 3 years

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Callisto (Part 9 - Retreat)

And I clocked over 5000 words on this chapter, too. Oops. Lots of John one-on-one with both Virgil and Scott. Including a bit of mild whump which I quite enjoyed :D

As always, many thanks to @janetm74 @tsarinatorment @vegetacide @scribbles97 and @onereyofstarlight for all their amazing help and support. you guys rock :D

And thank you to all of you who commented and liked last week’s chapter. It all means so much to me. Thank you sooo much for your support with this crazy endeavour ::hugs::

I hope you enjoy this chapter.

-o-o-o-

They dug the pod out of the ice, Lee and Alan tackling it while Virgil assessed Four.

Virgil was exhausted and worried. And shaky if he wanted to admit it, which he didn’t.

Ice echoed in the back of his mind where he refused to acknowledge it.

Eos kept them updated on the now quiescent water levels. There were no more reported seismic incidents. Everything was as quiet as it was before.

Except now the sparkle of crystal was far more sinister.

Virgil would be so much happier being not here.

He managed to activate the functional hoverjets on Four and with some heavy lifter muscles on the end of the appropriate toolset, he was able to relocate some of them to areas on Four’s hull that needed the support. He unwedged her roof from the rock wall, tipped her onto her belly, and, climbing inside, managed to get her moving in a stuttering echo of her usual smooth and darting operation.

The cockpit was partially crumpled on one side. Some hasty oxygen-assisted welding secured part of Gordon’s pilot’s chair back into place. Not perfect but it would do the job for now. It would not be the most comfortable ride.

“Virgil, what are you doing?” John’s voice was exasperated.

“What does it look like?” He had zero patience and just wanted to get his brother’s ‘bird back to Three so she could ultimately be taken home. There was no way he was leaving her here any more than he would have left her at the bottom of the ocean.

“Virgil, you shouldn’t be flying. I’ll take her.”

“I’m fine. Let’s just get this done.” Then he could check on his brothers.

The cave glittered at him through mangled viewports. It was still beautiful, but he no longer trusted it. He wanted out. “Have you recovered the pod yet?”

“Clearing the last of it now.” An indrawn breath. “Virgil-“

“Is it functional?”

An abrupt silence at the other end of his comms sketched out the thinned lips and frown John was no doubt sporting. “There appears to be minimal damage.”

“I’ll meet you in the Dry Cavern. I’ll need help to get Four out.”

Ignoring John’s protests, Virgil pushed the injured sub past the still partially iced in dragonfly and down the kilometre long tunnel to the exit cave.

Reaching the floor of the dry expanse ahead of his brother and uncle gave him a moment to himself. He sat back in the remains of Gordon’s pilot’s chair and closed his eyes.

It was so tempting to just let go, to give in to the phantoms teasing at the edge of his mind. But he couldn’t afford a breakdown right now. Scott was injured and their brothers were depending on him.

He had to keep control.

If only his head would stop hurting.

His eyes did not want to open again.

Consequently, it took John calling his name to ‘wake’ him.

Virgil startled to find both his astronaut brother and Uncle Lee glaring at him through the remains of the marine acrylic in Four’s viewports.

“Virgil?”

“What?”

“Are you okay?”

“I was just resting my eyes.”

John’s lips now appeared to be permanently thinned...and about to call him on his bullshit.

Virgil didn’t let him. “Hook up a tow line. We need to get Four above ground.”

His space brother did not stop glaring, but at least he decided that towing Virgil was better than arguing further.

They could meet half way.

Uncle Lee, sparing Virgil a worried glance or two, secured the line as Virgil sat and watched - an odd sensation since usually he would be the one out there doing what needed to be done. Perhaps it was a sign of exactly how gone he actually was.

Get Four to Three.

Get his brother and Uncle back to the Base.

Check on Scott and Gordon.

He was clinging to his list of goals and he knew it, but the alternative was very unproductive.

He startled again as John signalled his readiness. The dragonfly gently tugged on the line as it lifted smoothly off the ground.

Virgil shook himself and activated the hoverjets best to assist with the tow and then he was airborne. They coasted the long mole-made tunnel, took a sharp turn and climbing the vertical drop made by Three, shot into the open.

Jupiter glared balefully out of the darkness.

From there it was a blur of ‘Virgil, stay there’ and Four being hoisted into the huge, red spacecraft, the close of her hatch and the blessed familiarity of Alan’s ‘bird.

Virgil climbed slowly out of Four as John and Uncle Lee stowed the dragonfly, and clambered to the ladder that would take him to her cockpit. It was likely a further sign of his exhaustion that he had to think which way Three was currently situated. She was nose down, which meant he had to climb down.

The ladder looked like it stretched on forever and a rogue part of his mind pondered exactly how hard he would hit bottom if he just jumped.

He was ever so tired, but he couldn’t stay here, so he forced one foot after the other and began the descent.

Halfway down dizziness hit him again.

It was all he could do to cling to the ladder to prevent himself from falling.

And this time it didn’t go away.

“Virgil!” John’s voice was like a beacon in the darkness of a roiling stomach and a pounding head. Virgil had his eyes clenched shut.

The clatter of boots on rungs, hands caught him under his arms and he was being urged to continue down. “C’mon, not far to go.” John’s voice was ever so soft in his helmet. Gentle. Reassuring.

Virgil took that first crucial step and let himself drop another controlled step while mentally clinging to his stomach.

The dizziness disappeared.

Oh god.

The relief almost had him letting go of the ladder, but strong arms held him and continued to guide him down step by step. His stomach protested the entire way as if this bout of dizziness was the last straw.

John helped him through the main hatch and, from there, Virgil flung off his helmet and stumbled to the facilities.

Fortunately, there was very little in his stomach to expel, but that didn’t stop it from spasming repeatedly.

Low gravity environments sucked.

This would have been the perfect opportunity to curl up in a ball of misery on the bathroom floor, but space bathrooms sucked as much as space itself.

It became very clear that his head and body had had enough and if it wasn’t for John he probably would have fallen to that floor anyway.

“Virgil.” His brother caught him gently, drawing his head to his shoulder. Virgil didn’t have the energy to resist. “You are going to the infirmary.”

“John-“ But his head throbbed and he clenched his eyes shut in pain.

“No arguments.” In the light gravity, John lifted Virgil up and, leaving the bathroom, carried him down the corridor towards Three’s tiny infirmary.

“John-“ This was a first. Virgil usually did the carrying. The thought bounced through his aching head. But before he knew it, he was being strapped into a soft bed.

Opening his eyes would involve more than he had.

Yellow light flickered over his eyelids. Machinery beeped as John mumbled something, possibly into his comms, but Virgil had nothing left. The phantoms swooped in and the ice swallowed him whole.

-o-o-o-

John was used to worrying about his brothers. So often he was so far away when they were in peril. But as Virgil’s hand fell limp in his, John’s heart clenched.

Both of them had been running on adrenalin. He had watched as Virgil performed as he always did when needed despite being ill.

Many times John had listened to his brothers over comms, their voices strained by what they had seen and experienced. Hell, this wasn’t John’s first rodeo, he knew what it sometimes took on a rescue.

He’d done it himself.

That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt when it happened again.

The medscanner flickered over his brother casting his pale skin in an even sicklier shade.

Stress factors were flagged. Virgil’s heartrate was up and his blood pressure was far from happy. But there was no injury.

John frowned. Virgil had been unconscious at least part of the time he was buried in the ice. He was obviously unwell and was showing all the signs of a head injury.

But there was none.

He poked the scanner as if he could drag further information out of it.

But no, it reported Virgil as stressed, tired, possibly exhausted, but there was no explanation for the symptoms he was displaying apart from some tightening of the blood vessels in his brother’s brain. Classic sign of a headache.

“John, all vehicles are stowed. You wanna drive?” Uncle Lee’s voice over comms snapped him out of staring at his brother’s medical readouts.

Virgil was asleep, restless, but asleep. He was safe for the moment. Perhaps it was just exhaustion. His brothers were well known for pushing it too far.

Perhaps it was psychological. It would be fair considering his history with ice.

But it still didn’t quite add up and it gnawed at him. He had seen his big brother tackle this issue before. It still didn’t quite sit right.

But now the priority was to get Virgil back to his brothers, and reunite with Scott, Gordon, Alan and their father.

John double-checked the patient was secure and deployed the bed pivot that would support him when the ship flipped in flight.

“FAB, Uncle Lee.” He said the words at almost the same time he entered the cockpit.

It was strange to be here without Alan. It had been a long time since Three had been his ‘bird. Even then it hadn’t really been his. It had been Dad’s and then Alan’s. John had only been her pilot out of necessity.

Sliding into the pilot’s seat, all his reflexes shifted to the needs of the Thunderbird. Pre-flight was worked through at speed, Uncle Lee providing the input needed.

Eos chimed in with clearance for their flightpath.

Callisto Base acknowledged they would be arriving in minutes.

John fired her thrusters and launched Three into the thin atmosphere of Callisto, pivoting her mid-air and taking off in a southerly direction.

The trip was very short, barely worth igniting her engines, but honestly, John was grateful.

Three hovered in the massive airlock once again and it grated on John’s need for speed. The equations that listed the reasons why those doors were so ponderous gave him plenty of explanation, but he had no patience for physics at the moment.

Landing Three was like exhaling in relief.

Their father met them on the gantry. John towed Virgil out of Three on the bed he was still sleeping on, hoverjets keeping him level and secure. The fact he had not woken despite launch and landing was just a further sign of his brother’s exhaustion.

Uncle Lee followed them out without a word.

If John was irrationally grateful for his father’s hand landing on his shoulder, he wasn’t going to examine it too closely.

Concerned grey eyes stared down at Virgil...

“He’s sleeping, Dad. Exhaustion appears to be the culprit.” His father looked up at him and John swallowed. “That’s all I could find.”

A nod and they hurried Virgil off to the Base medical centre.

Grae had set aside a part of the small facility with enough beds to support the injured Tracy brothers. John, Virgil and their father entered in the middle of an argument.

“I’m not going up to Five! It’s a broken arm, Scott, that’s all.” Gordon’s expression was furious. He was sitting up in bed, his arm in a plastic cast. It was obvious Gordon wasn’t well. There was no spark about him. The impression was grey where there was usually sun.

Scott’s response was appropriate. “It’s enough! You are off rescues until it is healed. You know that is the rule. Health first!” Their eldest brother was sitting in a chair beside the Fish’s bed. A bed behind him had mussed covers and was obviously where he was supposed to be.

It was ever so typical that he wasn’t.

Either way, John took some comfort in finding both brothers conscious despite their injuries.

Of course, that meant yelling.

“We’re in space!”

“You’re not crucial to this mission!”

“It’s underwater! I call that crucial!”

“Gordon-“

“Scott-“

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!”

Their father’s voice cut across the yelling enough to disturb Virgil who groaned in his sleep and attempted to roll over. The groan turned into a whimper and his brow crumpled.

That shut everyone up.

Scott tried to stand and move to his prone brother’s side, but wavered. Alan who had been sitting wide-eyed next to him, hurried to steady his big brother.

John touched a finger to Virgil’s cheek and murmured soft words of reassurance. The unconscious engineer leant into his hand, eyes still closed, and settled back into his uneasy sleep.

Alan was trying to wrestle Scott back to bed with little success, until their father strode over and made some silent but very firm gestures in the direction of the empty bed.

Scott wilted in Alan’s grip and did as he was told.

But his eyes did not leave Virgil or Gordon alone, darting worriedly between them.

John docked the hover stretcher into place beside Gordon. His positioning was purposeful, giving Scott both brothers at one glance and no doubt allowing his eldest brother the chance to at least relax a little with both of them in sight.

Gordon’s eyes tracked Virgil as John draped a blanket over his sleeping brother.

“What happened?” Gordon’s voice was ever so quiet.

“Ice and exhaustion. He needs rest.” A pointed eyebrow. “You all do.”

John did, too, weariness suddenly hitting him. Such a mad scramble to get to his brothers, get them out of the ice.

“I think perhaps you should sit down, space bro.” Gordon never missed a thing. Those carnelian eyes saw everything. It was what he did with the information that mattered, though.

“John?” A worried pair of foggy blue eyes had targeted him now. Well, that sealed it.

Sure enough, their father turned around and wordlessly led him to a chair. “Sit down, son. They’re all safe now.”

There was a hitch in the man’s voice that had John questioning if he was saying it to reassure himself as much as others.

Regardless, the words had the tension in John’s muscles suddenly relaxing and he found himself shaking just a little.

The mechanics of mild shock sprang to mind and he was disgusted with himself.

A blanket wrapped around his shoulders and his father’s hands squeezed his arm gently.

There was silence in the room for a while. Dad found Uncle Lee a seat and John was ashamed to realise he had forgotten the man existed for a moment there. Perhaps he was as tired as Virgil. Sleep was a long time ago.

A Base doctor came in and confirmed John’s analysis of Virgil’s condition and quietly updated them on both Scott’s and Gordon’s status - all of which IR equipment had already revealed. Perhaps with the exception of Scott’s concussion that while still had him a little wobbly, seemed to have found some healing in whatever sleep his big brother had managed since being yanked out of the ice.

And there was the source of John’s heartrate. Pulling brothers out of the ice had been terrifying. Flashbacks to images sprouted by the news reports all those years ago regarding their mother. Scott’s desperate attempt to hide the reality from his younger siblings, but failing due to the determination of irresponsible media.

John closed his eyes.

-o-o-o-

“What do we do now?” Grae’s eyes were pleading and Jeff wished he had a good answer for him.

He had left the infirmary knowing his friend would be frantic.

Hell, Jeff was a little frantic himself. Berry and Ju were still missing. They only had readings on two out of five missing life signs. They didn’t even know who those life signs belonged to.

“We wait.”

“Jeff, they could be dying!”

“Both life signs are strong. I know it is not the best, but we don’t have a choice. We have to wait.”

“Why? You have the equipment. You, Lee, two of your boys are fine. Hell, I’ll come with you. This is Ju we are talking about!”

Jeff straightened. “I know who we are talking about, Graeme. But the first rule of a rescue is to make sure the rescuers are safe enough to do their jobs and for the moment, I am not willing to send anyone into that cave until we work out what the hell happened!”

“Seismic anomaly. You told me yourself.”

“John is not satisfied with that assessment.”

“Why not?”

“He needs further information.”

“Then let’s go down there and get it.”

“John is working on it.”

“John is sleeping!”

Jeff’s lips tightened and he took a step closer to his old friend. “My sons were nearly killed. I am aware that this is an urgent situation, Graeme. I know what is at stake. But there will be no gain in putting anyone in further danger until we know what we are dealing with.”

A silent hand wrapped around Jeff’s arm and tugged him backwards gently.

Lee.

Jeff had known he was there and old patterns were obviously still in place.

It was reassuring.

He understood Grae’s feelings. Hell, he shared them. But his boys were hurting and, if he was honest, they had terrified him. Seeing first Scott and then Virgil entombed in ice had ripped scabs off memories from so long ago as much as tempting new horrors.

But above and beyond it all, there was something very strange about this situation. Something was off. Everything that made him the astronaut he was, was screaming alarm bells. So, while he could gather Lee, John and Alan and go down there himself, he wasn’t.

Because he trusted his sons and John said no.

Jeff couldn’t help but agree with him.

They needed further information and Eos was working hard to deploy enough probes and up the sensory reach to delve underground and veto that interference. And while John had protested - all of them had protested, except Virgil who had already been asleep - this had been an opportunity to try and get some rest.

Grae sagged where he stood, all signs of the Base commander falling away. “She’s my wife, Jeff.”

Voice ever so quiet. “Believe me, I understand.” He caught his friend’s eyes with his own. “I do.”

Grae stared at him a moment before uttering a wounded sound and turning away. Jeff watched his back as he strode out of the infirmary.

Lee’s hand squeezed gently, but Jeff still stared at the door.

-o-o-o-

John wasn’t sleep. Honestly, he tried. Their father had corralled two more beds into the room with his injured brothers and both Alan and John had been sequestered there. He appreciated it, he did.

But he couldn’t sleep.

And it wasn’t Virgil’s snoring.

He kept running scenarios over in his head. Building and dismissing equations that could explain the liquid water in the cavern and coming up with nothing.

Liquid water demanded the existence of energy to keep it that way, likely with a heat source. Gordon had mentioned a temperature increase before the wave hit.

John’s fingers itched for his information sources on Five.

He was still wearing his suit. He had slept in it often enough not to care. But he had removed his helmet. The infirmary had its own air circulation system separate from the rest of the Base and, really, with his brother’s injuries, they hadn’t had a choice but to break the seals on their suits.

The upside was that he could squirrel under his covers and access his wrist comm and Eos.

His daughter was sending perplexed emojis at him because he had requested text only.

Her use of repeating gifs had the effect he had no doubt she desired, enough to curl up the corners of his lips at least.

His fingers darted across his virtual keyboard with a speed almost as fast as the voice he couldn’t use.

The probe net was in its final dispersal phase and the first of the reports were coming in. Eos had focussed the deployment in a spiralling pattern using the Crystal Cave as the central point and consequently, the information was more detailed in that area. In fact, Eos had doubled up the probe above Burr Crater and the cave beneath it.

His daughter highlighted three other craters, an attention icon flashing on the map. John zoomed in and frowned. There were more lakes.

His fingers darted over the map, repeatedly hitting attention icons flagged by the AI. Lake after lake showed up on sensors. A quick cross-correlation and his suspicions were confirmed. The lakes lay under the younger craters on the moon’s surface. The ones still shining from impacts of recent millennia.

John manipulated one of the probes pulling it from the net and drawing it closer to the surface. Eos threw up a warning that he was causing a brief blindspot, but he didn’t care, he needed confirmation.

Tornarsuk Crater was slightly smaller, but it was fairly equidistant from Callisto Base as Burr and almost as young. The lake registered as similar to the one in Crystal Cave and a network of tunnels branched off from it merging with the network.

Because it was a network. Initial readings tracked tunnels riddled beneath the entire Callistan surface. He couldn’t tell with these readings, but he would bet a lifetimes worth of savings that all the tunnels were made by water. Despite liquid water not being physically possible in these environs.

Not physically possible, but the lakes did exist.

Of course, that led to the question of why the water hadn’t stayed water once it left the cavern. It had behaved exactly how it should when it entered the tunnel. It froze.

Trapping his brothers.

He closed his eyes a moment as images he hadn’t fully processed yet flashed up in his mind.

He let out a sigh.

Focus.

Science was a saviour.

He returned to glaring at the holograms hidden under the blanket. It grew stuffy and he was reminded of many a late night when he was a child, shoving his tablet under the covers in order to read that little bit more despite being told to go to bed.

Memories.

He requested a planetary body analysis and the probe network boosted Five’s scan of the moon, giving him an indepth gravity and mass analysis. The readings confirmed what the Callisto Expedition had reported, that yes, there was an ocean deep under the Callistan crust, and that unlike most of the planetary bodies in the solar system, Callisto was undifferentiated. It had no core, no mantle, just a shallow ocean a couple hundred of kilometres below, sitting on a mix of rock and ice, sealed in by a crust of similar material.

So there was water in the moon. That was no surprise. Europa had proven something similar, but these subterranean oceans followed the laws of physics. They had the pressures required to stay liquid. The lakes did not.

There had to be another reason.

The next step was research. He knew what he knew, but that didn’t mean he knew everything. There must be something to explain the water.

Accessing Five’s library, he initiated a connection back to Tracy Island via the chain of buoys stretching back to Earth.

The covers over his head were suddenly ripped off, the waft of cooler air startling him even more than the sudden appearance of a tall shadow leaning over him.

John’s whisper was cutting. “Scott, what the hell!”

Because it was Scott. It was always Scott.

Well, except when it was Virgil, but this shadow was too tall, had the wrong hair and Virgil was still snoring.

“You’re supposed to be resting.” His brother’s voice had an echo of commander.

“You more than me!” John grabbed at the covers and pulled them back up to his chest. Why, he didn’t know, but there had to be a principle there somewhere.

The shadow of his big brother pulled up a chair and literally fell into it. Elbows dented the side of John’s bed and Scott’s head dipped out of silhouette as he dropped it into his hands.

John’s heart softened. A gentler whisper. “You really should rest. Get some sleep.”

“I did. Virgil is making a racket.” It was muffled as his brother was looking down at his feet, but John knew it was a load of bullshit. They had all been putting up with Virgil’s snoring since the man was born. If anything, it was a sound of comfort and was missed if it wasn’t there when they were together like this.

It was a running joke that their brother’s snoring was a great wildlife deterrent when camping.

John persisted. Scott was notorious for ignoring his health when focussed on an objective. “How’s your head?”

“Fine.”

“If you’ve come over here just to lie to me, I’m not sure I want to listen.”

“Whatever.” Scott ran his hands through his hair, messing up what was usually meticulously neat. “What happened, John?”

John sighed and pushed himself up on the bed until he was sitting upright, covers still on his legs. “You should be in bed.”

“Bed is a waste of time.” Blue eyes caught what little light was in the room and flashed it at John. “I need information.”

And John was the source of that information.

He held back another sigh and instead pulled up a virtual representation of the Crystal Cave and associated tunnel network. “The sensor readings are marred with static, but as far as we can tell water appeared to enter the lake from this tunnel.” John pointed at one of the entrances on the north-east side of the lake. “With the probe network we now have, the closest source of water I can find is under Tornarsuk Crater to the south-east.” He rotated the image until the star-rayed splash of brightness appeared. A flick of a finger and the hologram delved under the crater, bringing up another lake. John focussed the probe, switching to mineralogical detail and many spikes of crystal appeared in the cave. Eos threw up likely chemical formulae that could only be proven with samples, but had an accuracy somewhere near ninety-five percent.

He could not delve under that lake any more than he could under the lake in the Crystal Cavern.

“There’s another one?” Scott’s whisper spoke of widened eyes. “Are they connected?”

John answered by zooming out and tracing the connection via the maze of tunnels between them.

“How?”

This time John did let out the sigh. “I don’t know.”

“Is it a natural phenomenon?”

John stared at his brother. “Nothing about this is natural. That water shouldn’t exist in that state. If water came from the other lake, then how did it get to the Crystal Cavern so fast? Seismic readings epicentre the activity to the north-east of the Cavern, yet the closest source of water is to the south.”

“Can you get any further life sign readings?”

“No.” It was a defeated quiet. “And no further information on the two under the lake. All I can say is that they are there. Interference is almost complete otherwise. We cannot see below the surface, yet I can see all the way to the moon’s lack of a core.” He threw up his hands and the hologram flickered at the rough handling. “It doesn’t make sense.”

Scott was lit up by the light of the hologram. A ghostly echo of his brother’s usual vibrant self. “Is this humanly possible?”

John stared at him. “You think someone is orchestrating this?”

“Could they?”

He threw the concept back and forth in his head. “Possibly. At great expense and difficulty. There would have to be some serious science involved and I would want to know how that water is liquid in this environment. But the ultimate question would be ‘why?’”

Scott let his head drop into his hands again. “Hell if I know.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time something massively expensive and ridiculous had been deployed against us.” Gordon’s voice was sharp in the sudden silence.

And silence it was because John suddenly realised there was a serious lack of snoring in the room.

Sure enough, beside their fish brother the shape of Virgil was moving slowly to sit up. His throat cleared as he settled sitting on the edge of the bed. “So what is the plan?”

Scott straightened where he sat. “The plan is to get some rest.”

“Done that. Feeling better. There are some lives waiting to be saved.”

No pressure.

Gordon’s eyes were catching the light and aimed right at John. “You think this is planned?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you think it is a possibility.”

“At this point, everything is a possibility, Gordon. I don’t have enough explanation to make any conclusions.”

“I vote aliens.” And yes, Alan was awake as well, his tousled hair reflecting holographic light.

“You are all supposed to be asleep.” Commander Tracy glared at them.

“Speak for yourself, Scott. I bet you’re sporting a doozy of a headache.”

Scott didn’t answer, but John was pretty sure Gordon had hit a nail right on the aching head.

“John?” Eos’ voice cut through the glares and grumbles bouncing around the room.

“Yes, Eos.”

“Callisto Base is receiving a distress call from Kate Berrenger.”

“What? Relay!”

A terrified female voice cut the air in the room. “Base, do you read? I need help. Uh-“ The voice fell silent a moment, but every body in the room was already moving.

One of the life signs had changed position. It was now located on the same beach where Four had lain crumpled several hours earlier.

John switched to transmit. “Eos, relay! This is Thunderbird Five, Director Berrenger. Help is on the way.”

“Somebody, please help me.” It ended in a whimper.

He leapt off the bed as Scott dashed out the door. “Help is on the way.”

-o-o-o-

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds #thunderbirds fanfiction #John Tracy #Virgil Tracy #Scott Tracy #Gordon Tracy #Alan Tracy #Jeff Tracy #callisto

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helpfulqueerinfo · 6 years

Text

Phalloplasty Interview

Hey, this interview used to be on FTM Info but that site went down. No pictures, I lost those. Some of the information is outdated. I wrote it, so yeah you can post it haha.

To ensure the anonymity of the interviewee, small details have been altered.

Hello! First of all, thanks for letting us interview you!

No problem

Can you give us a short introduction?

Hello. I’m a guy in his late twenties. I’ve been on testosterone for five and a half years and have gotten top surgery, a hysterectomy and a phalloplasty. I like ice hockey!

How was your transition and journey to your phalloplasty?

I first started hormones on my own. I was impatient and stubborn and in my opinion no one had the right to keep hormones from me. Because I was on testosterone already, the process went extremely fast.

After only four appointments at the UZ (Universitair Ziekenhuis in Gent, Belgium) I spoke to the endocrinologist who said “waiting has no use anymore”. Hormone blockers are usually standard but I didn’t get them because I was already using testosterone. Shortly after, I met the surgeon: Professor Monstrey.

How were your meetings with him?

The first conversation was just an introduction. He asked me medical things like if I smoked or not. The second meeting with him was for my top surgery. I barely had breasts and shortly after the appointment I was told I could undergo a combined top surgery and hysterectomy.

Oh… about my chest surgery. It wasn’t heavy at all and recovery went well. I was afraid when I was in the hospital because I was all alone there. There were some complications later. I started bleeding and lost so much blood that I went into shock. My heart stopped beating and they had to resuscitate me. I love telling this story.. haha, it’s awesome and I’m still alive.

I don’t remember what happened, but I knew something went wrong when I saw all those people standing around my bed. After a week I could leave the hospital and I thought “never again”. I had myself removed from the waiting list for phalloplasty.

Why did you still go for phalloplasty, then?

I’ve wanted a phalloplasty from the start. Without phalloplasty I felt incomplete. I had them place me on the list again after I changed my mind. I also quit smoking for it. Smoking is a big NO NO for Monstrey. He demanded I stopped smoking before I was allowed to undergo phalloplasty.

I chose for phalloplasty because I didn’t like the metoidioplasty results. The urologist couldn’t tell me for sure if I could pee while standing with a meta. I also disliked messing around with packers and STPs, it was a hassle.

So how was the day of your surgery?

You have to wait a lot. You really need patience. I wasn’t allowed to eat anything on the day I arrived. I could only drink water or tea. They also gave me a two liter (67 ounces) mug with a gross drink in it. I had to drink it all and it tasted awful. You have to drink it to clear out the whole digestive system. I wonder if anyone heard me… I made a lot of noise. I thought I was done, but a nurse showed up several hours later with another two liters of laxatives. Horrible.

The same nurse came to my room again with some razors. She asked if I shaved myself and I said I could do it on my own. When I was done she said I hadn’t shaved myself properly but Prof. Monstrey said it was alright.

He used a white plastic thing to draw some lines on my arms. He also looked at my stomach and groin. He didn’t say anything and left. I had to go to sleep and asked for sleeping pills, but they didn’t work. Early in the morning, I was woken up by two men. I had to wash myself and put on a green and white gown. After a while I was brought to a lift and into a room with other people waiting for their surgeries. The nurse put me on the drip and then brought me into the surgery room itself. I asked if they put the anesthetic in already. After they said they were going to do it, it all went black… I woke up after the surgery!

How did the surgery go?

The surgery itself went very well. It only lasted six hours. They create the penis, glans, urethra and scrotum all at once and remove the vagina (colpectomy). I didn’t feel any pain in the penis because it has no sensitivity so soon after surgery.

The worst thing was the feeding tube and the catheter that drains the urine. I hated those tubes. The days afterwards are very hard on you mentally. You have to lie down for ten days. It’s difficult. I was really happy when I was allowed to sit on a chair (not walk), but after only four minutes I already wanted to lay down because I was so tired.

After surgery, you’re brought to a Post Anesthetic Care Unit. I remember being afraid. There was a lot of noise. There were other people coughing and there were beeps all around me. Time passed by so slowly. I asked a nurse what time it was and she said it was twelve o’ clock at night… after a while I thought “it’s morning now” I asked her again and she said it was fifteen minutes to one. You have to stay there for the whole night too. I started hating that place with a passion.

And how did you recover?

The day after the surgery, my arm started hurting badly. The pain was gone the day after. I also felt sick but they gave me medicine to stop that. They also give you something that widens your blood vessels but it gave me really bad headaches. I received it through an infuse, but after 1,5 week I had to drink it.

They transplanted skin from my thigh to cover the area where they took the skin graft from. It’s a very thin layer of skin and you can’t see any scarring on my thigh. My hand swelled up a lot and I could barely move my fingers, but this is normal. You just have to keep your hand up to get rid of the swelling. It took two months for it to go away and I wasn’t allowed to do anything intensive with my hands. My arm felt really stiff, but I went to a physiotherapist which definitely helped so I recommend doing that!

A tube in the penis is removed after eleven or twelve days. Unfortunately you have to keep the catheter inside until you leave the hospital I stayed there for 2,5 weeks. If urinating doesn’t go well, you sometimes have to take the catheter home with you. There’s a small lock on it and if you lock the catheter you can pee through the penis. If you unlock it, the remaining urine (if there’s anything) goes into the catheter. You need to pee out at least 50% before you can get it removed.

The psychiatrist said I should keep a diary. It really helped me during my recovery. I wrote everything down.

Did you experience post-surgery depression?

I did not. After my top surgery and hysterectomy I just wanted a break. I lost weight after my phalloplasty. I was really tired. That’s all.

Did you have any complications?

Yes. Urinating always was a bit difficult for me. No one knew why. One day, I just couldn’t go to the toilet anymore. I was scared and panicked. I was so afraid because I suddenly couldn’t pee anymore. The pain from not being able to pee is awful. Nothing else compares to that. I was rushed to a local hospital where they had to place an emergency catheter. That thing hurt a LOT. I really hate catheters!

The UZ waits five months before performing surgeries after you’ve had a phalloplasty. The penis needs time to recover and they didn’t want to risk any infections… but I already had an infection and no one knew about it. I became ill and the penis got very red and hard. My doctor gave me antibiotics (which helped) and told me to return to the UZ.

I remember the urologist saying “lets take a look” and they discovered an abscess. It damaged a part of my urethra so they had to remove the abscess as well as a piece of the urethra. They used a small skin graft from my stomach to restore it. I remember being with Monstrey and he asked me “Man, what did you do?” Yeah… how should I know. The urologist wasn’t confident about the result and soon after I was told I had to return for another surgery. He said ‘look, the urethra is shrinking rapidly…’, but they fixed it. I haven’t had any problems for years now.

What really scared me was the uncertainty of it all. I didn’t understand all the technical terms they used and I didn’t know what was coming. You should really look into surgery support groups. It was good to talk to other men who also went through complications. It helped me pull through even if it was difficult at times. The complication rate is much lower now though. You know… before my first surgery I was afraid my penis was going to fall off. Turns out making a penis is much easier than extending the urethra!

Do you know anyone else who underwent a phalloplasty?

A friend of mine got his phalloplasty around the same time and had no complications at all. Four other men I met had no complications either. One of them has no sensation because his nerves didn’t make it, but he has no regrets. Another guy I met has had a very hard time. He has undergone many surgeries and has to dilate every day. He has another surgery planned soon. I admire his strength. He doesn’t regret getting a phalloplasty at all, even after all these hardships. His complications are unique because most guys have minor or no complications now. Compared to him, my story really is nothing.

There are minor complications like fistulas and those can be fixed with a success rate of 95% (at UZ). The complication rate has gone down dramatically in the last few years and Professor Monstrey developed a new technique for phalloplasty as well!

There is a myth in the FTM community which says that the complication rate for phalloplasty is extremely high. This isn’t true. I wish people would stop saying that.

(Currently, the chance for complications is 25% at UZ Gent)

How is the sensation?

It’s amazing, it’s very sensitive. I have to be careful when moving. I have to make sure I don’t… you know, if I jump. I can’t even let my cat sit on my lap. I have to move him a little bit otherwise I get aroused, haha. You can compare it to a nine centimeter clitoris (my penis is 9 cm, 3.5 inch). It feels a bit strange. If I’m masturbating it’s like I’m pulling the clitoris, but it’s actually the nerve inside my shaft. The nerves can branch out too. I can even feel it with soft strokes. The glans is my most sensitive part. I can orgasm as well. It’s great.

They used the clitoral nerves. The main one is connected to the nerves from the skin graft so you get erotic feeling. The other is connected to a tactile nerve in the groin for normal feeling. They stretch it as far as they can. The clitoris was buried in the base of my penis. Others have it in their scrotum. Sometimes the clitoris can be placed very high. The placement depends on your anatomy. I don’t think every surgeon does this, but the team at the UZ does.

There’s another myth saying phalloplasty results can’t feel anything… well that’s not true! It depends on how well your nerves recover. Most guys say their sensation has really improved. (Note, this interview was done 2 years ago. Recently, there have been no reports of people who lost any kind of sensation: all of them have full sensation in the phallo)

You know what’s funny though? My libido is much lower. I think it’s because a weight was lifted from my mind. I feel much more at peace. During the phalloplasty I did get lots of sex dreams. It was so weird having those kind of dreams in a hospital.

When did your sensation return?

My erotic sense never really left. They keep the clitoral nerve intact so I think that’s why. I didn’t experiment much in the start because I was scared I would damage it. Of course I also had those complications and because my libido was low I didn’t do it very often. I also had to get used to it mentally. I thought “what do I have to do with it? Pull it?”, so in my case it took a bit longer to find out how it felt. Most guys say they start masturbating after six weeks. A year after surgery, I could orgasm. It was very sudden. The complications were gone and I think the blockade in my mind disappeared. It was purely mental… I did have plenty of sensitivity down there. The sensation got stronger over time so I orgasm faster too.

Tactile feeling returned just before my third month post-op. The feeling in the left side returned faster than the right side and I think my left side is also more sensitive. It takes a pretty long time for the penis itself to recover completely and look normal. I think it took at least six months for me.

Did you opt for an implant?

No. I don’t dare to undergo another surgery and I don’t really need it. I’m happy with my penis as it is now!

Do you have any regrets?

No! Not at all. It’s been several years now and I’ve not had a single moment where I regret doing this. It was difficult, especially mentally, but now I’m very proud of my penis. It’s part of me. I highly recommend phalloplasty if you want to go for realism and peeing while standing up. Phalloplasty can be hell, but the final result is definitely worth it.

Thank you for the interview!

You’re welcome

This phalloplasty was done by Professor Monstrey, Professor Hoebeke and the urology team at the Universitair Ziekenhuis in Gent, Belgium. On average, it takes six to eight weeks to fully recover, regain mobility and return to work. The cost is estimated at 30.000 euros (39.000 dollars) for the phalloplasty alone and 14,000 euros (18.000 dollars) for the prostheses. 80-100% of the costs are often covered by insurance (Non-European insurance may not cover surgery). The hospital sometimes asks for a personal contribution of 1000-3000 euros.

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