#in other news do I ever shut up?

[potato-cerealkiller]

10 characters | 10 fandoms | 10 a negotiable number of tags

tagged by @zukoisblorbo :)

Damian Wayne. dc. i am an absolute sucker for human weapons who learn to be more than their past. the fact that his character development is imperfect and riddled with human mistakes makes me so insane. i just love that his palatability is seperate from his relative moral soundness, he isn’t a perfect abuse victim and i just love it. 10/10 he spins on my blorbo lazy susan a lot.

Bronya Zaychik. honkai impact. this was an og og fandom for me, but i do still love her. the supposed ‘lack of emotions’ she exhibits is very relatable to me as someone who probably has some form of alexithymia, the fact that she is nonetheless accepted by her friends and is portrayed as a complete human being just gets me so bad. also fits into the human weapon archetype <333.

Ranpo Edogawa. bungou stray dogs. i just adore him! similar situation to bronya where he isn’t told he has to fundamentally change himself to have a loving support system. his flippancy towards extraneous things like adult responsibilities, and his inability to understand the reasoning behind social conventions does remind me of myself at times. but as aforementioned, my favourite part of his character is probably that individuality doesn’t have to be sacrificed for success or respect! maybe i will catch up on the recent chapters some time…

Chongyun. genshin. social masking allegory and legacy character… i have a similar approach to fielding my emotions, and while I don’t have a decades long legacy to live up to, I find the way he has to navigate succession in his own way very interesting. he was also my first main, so!

Wanda Maximoff. marvel. similar thing to damian in the fact that she is an imperfect person who does not have an idyllic path to redemption and heroism. she’s messy and desperate, but that doesn’t make her undeserving. kind of love the position she’s in right now where she just has this quiet wisdom from all she’s been through. scarlet witch (2016) also has a special place in my heart for the second comic i ever read (shout out to the runaways for being the first).

Andromache. the old guard. immortals!!! love examining the impact of time on personhood, as in a ridiculously prolonged span of time, and boy is she fascinating. she’s completely jaded at this point, and only really existing rather than living. she almost becomes a product of time rather than an entity born from its passing. it’s just so interesting to see a character so entirely devoted to a cause through obligation, because what else can she do?, the only thing she remembers is how to fight.

Fushiguro Megumi. jujutsu kaisen. i love how much of a deranged mess he is. watching him have to unlearn his suicidal tendencies was so fucking interesting. he has this cool arrogance to him that makes him eminently unlikeable, but he is still a fundamentally good person at his core. for some reason my memory really failed me here? so not much to say, but I remember liking him.

Xie Lian. tgcf. innately good person despite his trauma! i love characters like this and i thought him fighting a literal manifestation of his past, more selfish self, was a fun way to signify his growth.

Homura Akemi. madoka magica. one of my childhood favourites. i watched this series at age seven and it probably severely impacted my psyche. her loneliness turned obsessive attachment and love is utterly heartbreaking to me. her unquestionable and desperate devotion to madoka is just. agghhh. the way that she needs her so intensely that she’s willing to sacrifice her personhood, the universe itself. ultimate blueprint for toxic yuri 10/10.

Boris Pavlikovsky. the goldfinch. he’s a lot of things but a mentally stable person is not one of them. i find the line he walks between total self annihilation and self preservation very interesting. he represents this kind of pseudo-eternal youth, he always commits to extremes. he doesn’t ever ‘overdo’ it but more because it would hinder his ability to live tomorrow rather than because of any adverse health effects. the fact that he is such an optimist at his core despite everything is just a fascinating contradiction.

tags if anyone wants to do this >>>> @sejaprune @calithilan @sizzlemourner @gladiikal

#in other news do I ever shut up? #no. #I don’t think anyone follows me because I’m stoic though

[ghostlyheart]

Coffee and you

Maggie and Nina in Good Omens Season 2

#good omens 2 #good omens spoilers #maggie/nina #vinylatte #wlwsource #there comes a special time in every young girl's life where she slams her laptop shut and gives up on trying to achieve consistent coloring #such a magical day #this is the hardest thing I've ever tried it took me like. 5 days #my problem is that when I start a new hobby I want to be good right away rather than going through the process of actually learning #but doing this taught me a lot!! it's not perfect but I'm glad I did it anyway #also if anyone can tell me the source of that quote I would be eternally grateful I cannot find it ANYWHERE other than tumblr #it's a very Tumblr quote but maggie and nina's relationship is deliciously tropey in such a fun way I felt like it fit #ghostlygifs

[thetarttfuldickhead]

From the 2020 Ted Lasso Emmy FYC campaign, or, the only thing that can make season 1 Roy stop insulting Trent:

"'It's because of pricks like you,' he explained to me after Richmond's last-gasp win against Watford on Saturday, reprising his prior description of yours truly -- to my face -- as a colossal prick."

"When I asked him hypothetically, what he would think of not featuring in the first team, Kent replied, 'Hypothetically, if I punched both of your eyes out and stuffed them up your arse, and then told you to walk on your hands, hypothetically, what would you think of that?'"

and actually answer a question is the chance to talk shit about Jamie:

”He doesn’t understand the word ’team’,” said Kent after the match. “For him it’s a dirty word. Whearas dirty words for me are ‘Jamie Tartt’.”

"[...] star striker Jamie Tartt -- who Kent also characterized as 'a f*&$ing prick, even worse than you'."

"[...] if you want to work your way into my 'eart you take, you take Jamie Tartt off the pitch before 'alf time."

"People say fans are there for Tartt, which I find a very depressing thing to hear."

#old news yes but i wanted it on my blog #and don't expect i'll ever find the old posts with it that must exist #and i figure that maybe other newcomeers like me might have missed it? #for lack of new tl stuff i'll go digging up the old #there's some really great stuff down the mines #i am extremely here for roy kent being unable to shut up about jamie tartt #but also being mean to poor (or not so poor) trent trying to do his job #i mean trent was a smug asshole #they were all such messes in season one it was fun! #but there's a bunch of other fun and cute stuff in there #i am exceedingly weak for this sort of tie-in advertising i cannot lie #and generally adore how tl has worked with social media and whatnot #ted lasso social media #trent crimm #roy & jamie #season 1 #old stuff #jamle tartt #roy kent

[toddtakefive]

btw todd’s reluctance to join the dps because he doesn’t want to read (which is then accommodated for) and is scared to put himself out there (which is also worked through) being read as todd not wanting to go AT ALL, and thus neil making the proper accommodations (“todd anderson, who prefers not to read, will keep the minutes of the meetings”) and encouraging him to step out of the box that stifles him being seen as ‘forceful’ or like he can’t take no for an answer makes me insane with rage

#and him trying to stop neil from asking if todd not reading at the meetings is okay isn’t him wanting not to go #its him not wanting neil to ask because (as someone with social anxiety) it’s EMBARRASSING ASF for someone to ask for things on your behalf #literally just think about it as the meme of ‘when i tell my friend im hungry and he tells his mom that *i* want food instead of both of us’ #and the whole ‘neil not knowing how to take no for an answer’ thing…… dont get me fucking started #the kid who’s had to take no for an answer his whole life? the kid whose first proper scene IS him taking no for an answer? are you serious? #being encouraging and accommodating and (admittedly) a little pushy when he’s got his mind set on something— #—is NAWT the same as not being able to take no for an answer or bulldozing through conversations with people #he and todd DO listen to each other in those conversations theyre just on opposing sides— #—because their understandings of the world don’t fully align at that point in time/the movie #which is totally fucking normal?????? because later on they DO properly align????????? #i feel so crazy about this every time i see someone say todd didn’t want to go the dead poets meetings because it’s so obvious he DID #he was just scared #and you know what maybe it IS a little forceful #but given how dedicated todd is to shutting off and hating and isolating himself he NEEDS a little forceful to be broken through to #if no one ever pushed me to do things when i was scared (as irritated as it can make me) i’d never do SHIT dude #and obviously todd is the same way because he ALL BUT OUTRIGHT SAYS AS MUCH #‘i appreciate this concern but i’m not like you’ IS about neil’s voice and opinions mattering to people but it’s ALSO about— #—him being outgoing and trying new things and putting himself out there #WHICH TODD WANTS TO BE ABLE TO DO!!!!!!!! #the moral you take away from todds growth is NOT that he has to change to be accepted because he DOESNT #its that he has to gain the confidence and belief in himself to grow and become the version of himself he WANTS to be #he NEVER changes on a fundamental level to make others happy (although his growth does make others happy) he just opens up more #and i dont know WHY some people think his arc is becoming a completely different person #like yall PLEASE #this isnt even an anderperry thing this is an issue even if you read them completely platonic #i blame the FUCKASS novelization…. dps book you will always be hated by ME #dps #dead poets society #neil perry #todd anderson

[suffercerebral]

me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects

#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar #no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new #but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me' #i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term #so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now #so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but #it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out #that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance #so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial #but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal #although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive #i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary #ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness #which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days #and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself #im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles #but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy #and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me #i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this #i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself #im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body #im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up #and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe! #so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please #and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching #between numbness and overwhelming agony #what the fuck am i talking about

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

im sure when luz has her inevitable mental breakdown in the next two episodes it will be her mom or eda and king who comforts her and helps her complete her character arc where she realizes Not Everything Is Her Fault, Actually. either that or the entire main cast is going to somehow show luz that she’s been a positive influence in their lives. and luz will be inspired to defeat belos with the power of friendship or whatnot. or amity or hunter will have something to do with it, though if they’re a part of it, the rest of the main cast probably will too bc i don’t see why they would be the only ppl there at the climax of luz’s character arc and not eda, king, and camila.

but what i would have really liked would be if when luz is at her lowest point the person to encourage and inspire her was willow. they haven’t touched on these two’s relationship since season 2 so they probably won’t go this direction but i think narratively it would come circle. willow was the first friend luz ever made. she introduced her to other kids their age and basically kickstarted luz’s relationships with her other peers. without willow, luz never would have gone to hexside and learned about witch society and magic. or at least, she wouldn’t have gotten as much experience with it if she just stayed with eda all the time. without willow, luz definitely wouldn’t have met amity, gus, or even hunter probably. from their adventures with their friends, luz and willow have both matured. and while willow is doing a lot better than how she was at the start of the show (though there are still parts of her character i think they should have explored more in s2), luz is suddenly doing a lot worse.

at the start of the show, luz helped willow gain confidence in herself and discover who she wanted to be. i think at the end of the show, it would be nice if willow helped luz do the same

#toh #the owl house #shut up pandora #luz noceda #willow park #listen to me #listen #i care about their friendship so much #dana robbed us of more willow episodes in season 2 #no im not talking about the shortening im talking about s2a #i know they had to introduce like 8 new plot threads but let my girl hang out in the background please! #i didnt mention him but gus too! #willow was luz's first ever friend and gus was luz's second #theyre so important to each other and im so sad the show and the fandom dont focus on it as much as i want them to #we love a good emerald trio but what about the og hexside trio #anyway i do think that willow park

[eddis-not-eeddis]

Dealing with newcomer's embarrassment gets easier if you are surrounded by people you have no respect for.

#oh this other professional saw me do something stupid that messed up my paperwork? #but she does shady things worse than the mistake i just made on purpose to make a buck #oh i just said something dumb to my boss #give him a few hours and he'll say something even dumber to me #oh no the guy who has been working at this job for twenty years just saw me make a rookie mistake #agony abounds but he just did six other things a lot worse than I did all in one day so i'll live with it #oh no the manager is a little disappointed with my performance? #so what he's a pushover and he won't say or do anything about it anyway i'll do better next time #oh no my one coworker hates my guts #she hate's everyone else's guts too and literally never shuts up about it #i'm not special #it sounds kind of depressing--and it can be #but i have a lot of affection for these people regardless of their issues #i just don't really let my failures around them bother me too much anymore because i honestly don't care what these people think of me #i'm not going to make the same mistakes ever again #but i don't have to let this stuff keep me up at night because i did something wrong #if i'm not going to go to them for advice why do i care what they think about me? #it was something that i realized a few months ago and ever since it's made things a LOT easier to deal with #plus #these people aren't dwelling on my failures either #they all have their own stuff going on #yeah they might harp on it for a while bit new things will come up and eventually they forget #they aren't thinking about me that much anyway #XD

[cerise-on-top]

I'm curious, do you have any specific projects that you really want to work on? I'd love to hear what you want to write/what ideas you have, if you're willing to share 🫶

-Spookie

SPOOKIE! YOU'RE TO SWEET THANK YOU!!! There are a few things I've been meaning to write, among them a small fic series! These are the things on my to-write list:

TF141 with a Dragon-Prince!Reader (I actually have the prologue written already, it's completely finished, I just have no idea where to go with it! I'm gonna brainstorm a few ideas for it so I can make this my fic series! I'm really excited to continue writing on this haha!)

Singing Price a Lullaby (I'm such a sucker for putting someone's head in my lap and singing them a lullaby! I can actually sing myself sleepy whenever I sing to myself! So I like to imagine that I could make other characters feel at ease with my voice as well!)

Ghost with a Transmasc!S/O (Listen, I'm a trans man and barely any character has ever brought me as much comfort as Ghost, therefore I'm gonna write this! It was just a matter of time until I'd write this!)

Celebrating König's Birthday (My birthday is still far off, but I'm gonna write this anyway because I couldn't really celebrate my birthday last year! If I can't be happy then I will project onto König and make him happy!!)

König Teasing His S/O in His Dialect (I headcanon König to speak the same dialect as me, therefore he'll speak his dialect to his S/O if he wants to tease them! Not every German can understand my dialect either! So naturally, König would tease you about it, especially if you do know German!)

Reader Finds out Cast is Ticklish (Listen, at the risk of sounding stupid, I just wanna be an idiot with those guys and gals! Sometimes all you need is to be an idiot and goof around with your favorite characters! Plus you can get them to laugh a bit, and the Gods know someone like Ghost could need it! Plus I wanna write about getting back at Soap! Also, it has been a while since I got to write about Alex, so there's that too!)

These are the things that I've been meaning to write for a while now! I'm sure there will be more things that I'll be writing! But that's all I've written down on my list! Thank you for asking, it makes me really happy that you care :D I hope you have a lovely day! May work become a bit less draining for you and that you may take a good nap at home afterwards!!

#cherry chats #thank youuuuuu!!!!! have a lovely day!!! #one of these days I'm gonna ask you about your wips as well! if you're willing to talk about them!! #because your firefighter Valeria still sounds so awesome! But no pressure!! #you're such a cool person and I will make you some hot chocolate because you're epic!! #I have quite a lot of things to write but I'm gonna take it easy and take plenty of breaks now! #I need to drill into my head that it's alright to not post for a few days!! #other blogs do it too and they seem much happier than me! #maybe I should pick up a new hobby as well! I mean I have been meaning to go to the gym as well! #hah! another thing to maybe write about! I have so many ideas but no motivation to write!!! #this is such a curse because writing is my favorite hobby!! I've been writing ever since I was a toddler! #my first ever story was a digimon fanfic that I wrote when I was like four! #good times haha! #am I rambling again? sorry! I just get so excited when I hear from you! I love my mutuals even if I'm usually too scared to talk to them!! #gotta check up on them more often!! I do love hearing about you as well!! #sorry! I'll shut up now! either way have a nice day!! may work not suck your soul dry!! I'm cheering for you!!

[zouisexo]

.

#can someone who wears glasses everyday #like confirm for me that changing the frames is the most stressful thing ever #ndjfdsk like i wanted to change them so bad and i got new ones and now im like #i don't want to leave my house NFSDMLK #it's not that i don't like them i think they're very cute i just #idk i wore the other ones for so long #i feel like people are gonna look at me and be like omg what is that girl doing... #hey those aren't her glasses at all!!! she's trying to change aesthetics hey! hey you who do you think you are!!! #also fell over on the bus the other day #so my self esteem has hit rock bottom ffknsdf #shut up laura

[supercantaloupe]

earlier tonight my roommates were talking about the halloween party they're planning in a couple weeks (i will be out of town) and since the convo went towards "party supplies needing to be purchased" one of my roommates mentioned that she had the present she's planning on getting me for my birthday in her digital shopping cart already and then made a little mischievous face at me. and like it's sweet i suppose but my idea of "celebrating" my birthday is basically acting like it doesn't exist cause i'm kind of...uncomfortable with receiving Direct Praise And Attention especially for things i don't think are worth it (for example, Existing Another Year). at any rate my idea of the perfect gift this year would be Not being stuck in rehearsal until 10pm that night but that will certainly not be the case so whatever

#other roommate also kept asking me for the date and i almost weaseled my way out of giving it to her but alas. persistent she was #the most 'celebrating' i ever do (if i do Anything actually For the occasion) is just. a nice dinner out somewhere with my mom #and if there's a good show playing nearby we'll go to see it #but that's no more special than any other occasion really. we'll just do that if the schedule permits anyway once or twice a year #(also my parents usually insist on like. getting me a new skirt or something but much as i love them my wardrobe is full enough as it is #at this point haha. i'm more comfortable anyway receiving gifts for holidays like hanukkah or Just Because than for my bday specifically #cause then it doesn't feel like it's just About Me. y'know. anyway) #'so does this mean your birthday is coming up soon 👀?' no and shut up i've never aged a day in my life. i was never born. etc #i wanna talk about me

[bunnihearted]

🍷

#im in such a bad and low mood :< #it's not just my period hormones 🥴 #my wireless headphones worked fine all of yesterday and today when i wake up they're blinking #they're liked fucked up... i turn them off but they constantly turn themselves back on. when i connect them to my ipad they constantly #keep disconnecting and shutting off and turning on 🙃 it makes me so angry bc i need to wear them basically all the time #bc all the noise from neighbors and my family and outside is driving me crazy #but they just dont work anymore?? plus i cant afford new ones... esp now which brings me to my next point #bc of my mom having troubles w school and loans and work etc she was like yeah u guys might have to pay for me this summer so we'll be #proper poor 😄 she doesnt WANT that either but it just sucks bc i got $300 every month and i can barely afford anything as is #yeah so there is no chance of me buying new headphones until at least august or september ...... #then im annoyed bc my sisters are passive aggressive 24/7 and hate my existence and my mom is depressed lol #and i have no one to talk to or be with. it's summer and i wanna do stuff but i just dont wanna do it alone lmao #and then im just sad bc of many things..... #also i hate myself bc im a loser failure piece of shit but like yeah that's normal for me to feel #i just hate everything and it's so hard to endure this lame ass existence skskskskks #why cant ANYTHING be good ever in my life?? #i am garbage and im surrounded by bad things lmao... anyways can i just stop breathing now pls #and it's not just a 'tiny' thing like my headphones not working like it might seem to others #but when u live a life where NOTHING is good or NOTHING works everything just piles on #ppl dont seem to understand that normally bc most ppl have some good things in their lives #so they just cannot comprehend what it's like when nothing works on any level in your life lok #ofc im depressed ofc im angry and bitter and dejected. i have no good things or moments at all in my life. that tears u down #i mean ofc i could be living in an active warzone and that'd be .. pretty awful i can imagine. but yeah... my situation is still not ideal #like i mean i do actually try to practice gratitude of having a roof over my head my own room water in the pipes and food so i dont starve #i am thankful for that bc many ppl dont even have that #i still feel depressed tho <3 #idk what im talking abt now i just feel SO bad and i have no one to talk to #i have nothing to do... no help no treatment... everyone hates me and wants me dead...... #why should i fight when no one cares abt me anyway... well.. i mean i do wanna experience more nature but like idk #im just so exhausted... why cant i ever have smth good in my life that also dont go away after a short while lol

[loverboybrightsideghost]

i think i understand dating now. you find a person that seems cool and you become their friend but in a romantic way until you. actually love them. yes?

#bluebird.txt #i am schrodinger's understander of romance #90% of the time i'm like why would anyone date a stranger #why would you do that #like you have a friend then you get close to that friend then become romance?? #i had a HUGE crush on a girl earlier this year and then one day i made a new friend- NO romantic feelings for her at all- #but suddenly my crush evaporated in an instant? i just stopped thinking abt her or feeling anything when i DID think abt her. completely. #but like. you meet person. become friend. then you love them. then romance. yes? #that's always been my thought process of how it works #so now i’m like oh that's how Dating works! you just pick a person and fuck around and find out if you'll love them???? #it's like friendship but with. romance. hey does anyone fucking know what romance is by the way #I Don't Know Anything Ever 👍🏼 #also do people really see other people and think wow i want to fuck them #bc like. i've seen hot people i like hot people but i don't think ive ever seen a hot person and thought about sex #i’ve been like wow they are extremely attractive to me but never wow i want to fuck that #is that actually how people feel? they see an attractive person and they get horny? just like that? #like physically in your genitals horny?? #i'll shut up now. once again I Don't Know Anything At All 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼 #i WANT to date someone to know what it's like but what i really want is to fake date a friend #fuck all this shit i really might be aroace. i fucking might. i am so not sure about anything. #who give a shit i guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[fatal-blow]

every time i talk about this stuff I'm reeling with the sheer amount of knowledge and how to convey it to the average layperson

but really if i could sum up everything I've learned about muscles, myofascial pain, and hypermobile, it's this:

start practicing how to do things with the least amount of muscles as possible.

#efficiency is key #the other thing i would say to sum it up is that yours pain is from a million causes that are all the same cause. #like listen. i used to not be able to stand without being in agony. now i just stand around sometimes. #no offense to the professionals (lie) but i know more than they do #i might just be the best physiotherapist you'll ever meet and i am not saying that because i am overconfident #im saying that because even the rheumatoid physiotherapy specialists couldn't keep up #shout out to chelsea tho she's been by far the closest #and also has gotten me hundreds of dollars of mobility aids for free uwuuwu #fatals physio corner #new tag because i guess im not shutting up about this #ill go back and tag the other shit

[widevibratobitch]

.

#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡 #and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡 #like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

[neverendingford]

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#tag talk #watching/listening to criminal minds while patching a pair of jeans. #and idk. I really hate sounding like a quirky special not like other girls snowflake lock tumbler #but like. idk when you've learned to hide all the weird things about you that unsettle other people it's weird to see them called out #learning what parts of yourself to hide to appear normal. learning how to create your mask to blend in with society. #idk. having a not-unintelligent someone tell me recently I sound like a sociopath and that they're a little worried about being around me? #that kind of fucks me up. having my roommate tell me he locks his door at night because he's afraid of me at night. #idk. I'm on new mood stabilizers and I do feel the chemical restraint part of it. the suppression of a part of myself. #it's just that the part it's suppressing is a part I've tried to kill for a very long time. #the harm isn't about pain it's about suppressing energy. it's about shutting down the uncontrollable part #idk we'll see how the meds pan out long term. Hopefully I feel more normal on it. #I don't feel like the suppression is shutting down something that is myself. I feel like it's shutting down an intrusive parasite. #this isn't a part of me I've ever wanted to be. I hate being the clown. I hate being the goof. the quirky idiot #I feel better when I'm more calm. I'm more controlled. I can control the part of me that feels compelled to do weird shit. #idk. I don't like being a freak. I don't like being a nutjob. I can handle having a part of me being cold as long as it's controlled. #we'll see.

[shirtlessradfahrer]

hi sorry I disappeared for like two weeks but I was overwhelmed with the news that there's a significant chance I may be on the autism spectrum (and possibly have a nice side helping of adhd) which if true has a fuckton of implications for how poorly many, many things throughout my life have played out, so needless to say I am not doing very well

(and by that I mean I was mostly crying on and off for days, and then cried some more when I realized it will cost thousands if I want to get a proper assessment done and I'm not confident my insurance would cover all of it, and also depending on how much my hours continue to be cut this month I may not even have said insurance for much longer at all hahahaha)

#i'm so angry #thinking of how many adults complained about me and my behaviour growing up but couldn't help me at all #how long have i suffered for no reason #because i wasn't a completely nonverbal boy who liked trains or some shit #...actually i did really like trains but it didn't matter apparently #but learning about all the signs and symptoms in girls/women has felt like getting punched in the gut over and over #and all the absolute worst of my childhood and teenage years has rushed back to me with new context #and i'm so fucking angry and sad and upset #and now my mom is angry af too because she took me to a psychologist in complete desperation when i was like five #because i couldn't control my emotions for shit once i was home from school #i would just flip tf out and throw stuff around my room and be incapable of saying anything until i had completely calmed down #and this was happening on a regular basis and she didn't know what tf to do #and while at school i couldn't make eye contact or advocate for myself and again i just shut down completely if i was too stressed or upset #and several other things #and the psychologist was basically like lol idk what's wrong with her but you probably just need to be a better mother :) #just slightly more professionally #NO ONE ever mentioned the possibility of autism to her #and i feel like some of these things have...worsened when i'm at work but i couldn't figure out why i was having so much difficulty #and why i felt so drained after even a short shift #but then reading about masking hit me like a fucking freight train #and apparently my brother’s girlfriend-who was officially diagnosed a few years ago-suspected it when she first met me?? #but idk what to do now bc i have an doctor's appointment next week #and i feel like i should bring it up because i hate just self-diagnosing #but even if i somehow managed to pay for an assessment (lmao) i don't feel like my doctor's going to take it seriously #considering he's been our family doctor since my birth #and apparently couldn't be bothered to take my mom's concerns that seriously back then either #jfc I’m rambling again don’t look at me