#it’s the unwavering love and connection that he hasn’t had since samantha. it’s someone looking up to you and always just wanting to see you

[carefulfears]

do you have a headcanon of when mulder caught feelings for scully? i’m on the same page w you that scully has had it bad since day one, but i can never make up my mind about mulder

yeah i’ve always said that i think he was aware of the connection between them since her abduction, but i think specifically 3.

ascension is very frantic, it’s rooted in so much trauma and desperation. very few moments are about scully, as a person, really. it’s about getting there in time. it’s about rewriting history. it’s about failure, and standing alone in the end.

in 3, he is surrounded in her absence. her badge. her file, marked with her name. her necklace, which he slips around his own neck, carries with him.

dana scully was farrrrr gone from day one, humming against him in the rain and telling her friends how cute he is, but mulder is more single-minded.

he’s so very fond of her, in the beginning. he knocks on her door to invite her on his run, when he knows she’s just supposed to be discrediting him. he lowers himself beneath her every time he has bad news or a vulnerable conversation. he says “dana,” softly, and checks in on how she’s doing. he believes she’ll be head of the bureau someday.

so much of that is just who he is (trusting, passionate, kind), and she’s the only person who has ever valued that, taken him seriously.

but he’s also internalizing who she is, the consistency and the curiosity and the quiet intensity.

that moment in the rain, before she laughs, before she asks where they’re going and follows: he says “you think i’m crazy,” and turns away. it’s the first time in the series (and remains rare) where you can see that there is a weight to it all. he plays into being “spooky mulder,” but part of him is really disappointed to think that this new partner won’t believe him either.

she thinks about what he said, and she meets him on his level. she questions it, she combats it, she adds to it.

when they both burst out laughing, it’s in pure joy and excitement. it’s the moment that spurs the rest of their lives.

that means a lot to him, to be listened to. to be held to a standard, not just dismissed.

but mulder only knows how to conceptualize love in absence, in the search, so when he’s left listening to her scream: he knows. it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen, because it feels like his closest person disappearing, and that’s the experience he’s most familiar with and enmeshed in.

i believe there’s a script note in ascension that mentions that he’s doubting if he had failed his “closest friend.” it’s the loss being so great, so unbearable, that makes it unavoidable.

(thinking of him smiling at diana, telling her, “i’ve done alright without you.”)

i see a lot of people describe msr as a “fell first/fell harder” trope, but i think most things just hit mulder harder. it’s their natures.

but by the time he hangs her cross around his neck, by the time he abandons the truth to sit and hold her hand, he knows.

#asks #a lot of it is repetition of their patterns and their previous close relationships #but different in that it’s the real thing #not what they’ve been trying to replicate #so for scully it’s this instant adoration and fascination #she looks up to him the way she looked up to daniel and jack #but it’s Not what she had with daniel or jack because she’s interested in him outside of gaining his approval #she actually Can’t gain his approval (or ‘please’ him) through following him or forgoing herself #so it’s closer to what she’s truly chasing. it’s closer to what her father had #and the way they ‘worshipped’ his journey #with mulder it’s this hesitant familiarity #it’s not the cold ‘need for affection’ in phoebe or diana #again it’s what he’s Actually seeking #it’s the unwavering love and connection that he hasn’t had since samantha. it’s someone looking up to you and always just wanting to see you #and only wanting to prioritize and care for them in return #but he HAS to lose her to really feel the weight of it because he’s only able to understand love in empty rooms #like he’s not going to be able to know how deep it is until it hurts