#its just journaling for me rn

[nudibutch]

long post abt me thinking about my dom likes/dislikes. im musing. i feel like this is needed to get my thoughts straightened out since its been on my mind lately.

things i dont like when domming

- raw power/physically overpowering someone, roughness. for example i don't think i could ever comfortably facefuck someone Hard hard. id be too worried about hurting them and that would be on my mind the entire time. i also dont think physical force is my style. it doesnt really fit my personality

- 100% degradation. same as above. i don't enjoy being mean this way.... it feels bad to me and i would constantly worry they think i mean it

- certain power dynamics. i dont like the idea of someone subbing to me because im stronger than them, know more than them, better than them, have a position of power over them (eg prof/student rp)...

- making decisions for my partner. in general i don't think im looking for "no thoughts head empty" in this way.

- brats. i just really dont like the dynamic. a lot of the ways brats want to be dommed falls under rougher/harsher tactics and it more often than not annoys and frustrates me because it feels like im fighting someone when im just trying to cooperate. a GOOD brat dynamic requires a LOT of communication and even then i can only try and "tame" the brat (whatever its called) for so long.

- cnc. this is a super hard gray area to navigate between overstim/free use, which i can be into, but requires a LOT of communication and i would not just do it with anyone right off the bat. i still had hesitations doing this with partners i knew very well.

things i DO like when domming/the idea of when domming

- bondage. i like the look, and i like the physical helplessness it creates for a sub. i like honing sensation and this is definitely one of the ways to do it.

- experimentation/exploration. not in the literal sense - everything should always be discussed beforehand - but i like slow toying/appreciation. i dont like rushing to a destination and i think this comes out a lot with teasing.

- certain power dynamics. unlike the ones i listed before i REALLY like the idea of power in the sense of, "i safely led this person to this state of mind" and also "i can safely lead them to the kind of experience i want them to have".

- exhibition. i LOVE taking pictures, videos, etc. i like posting certain things. i really like the idea of tying up/teasing/and/or fingering a sub in front of a small audience. i like the idea of showing off not only how well i can make this person fall apart, but also how pretty they are when they do.

things i find interesting reflecting on my past dominant experiences:

- i almost never ask for the things i like when domming, and i almost never make a decision when it comes to any sexual act. i always ask, "how do you want to be fucked" and never really say, "im gonna fuck you." i think this is kind of because of my aversion to "things i don't like" #1/#3/#4. no matter how many times a sub says "i want you to do whatever you want to me", or "just fuck me", i dont really adhere to that and i dont trust it. that might be because of bad past experiences with subs without specific constraints. it might be because its undefined cnc to me, and im really worried about doing something a sub doesnt want after they say, "fuck me however you want." thats almost definitely residual from subs with shit communication skills. more on that below.

- that being said, i think there probably exists a sweet spot in the above bullet point. i SHOULD, theoretically, be doing a little more of what i like and want, as a dom, and not just exist as a 2-dimensional service top. this isnt to say that i havent enjoyed past domming experiences - i really have. but looking back, i think ive spent a disproportionate amount of time asking subs what they want and like, and less time talking about what i like. this is partly because no one really asks, and this is partly because im historically bad at speaking up. if something is Working Just Fine, im not inclined to change it - partly because im afraid of the rejection of my desires if i DO speak up (ie, they arent worth anything, which gets back to a core belief ive been addressing in therapy, etc.). this has definitely happened in the past where i try to bring up certain things and a sub expresses obvious disdain, and i backpedal it hard to assure them its not a big deal and to just forget about it. thats almost definitely a result of domming subs with poor communication/sense of self issues, and certainly not my fault, but i need to get better about vetting people that will respond maturely in a discussion about desires/kinks/etc. my dom dynamic and style is fine, but seems incredibly passive when i think about it, and it shouldnt be like that. it should be a two way street, and my partner SHOULD be expressing curiosity and excitement about learning what im into.

- a personal priority of mine is figuring out what my needs are for dom aftercare. i spend a lot of time making sure a sub is okay after, and that in and of itself can SOMETIMES be "aftercare" for me - i get to check in with them, make sure they enjoyed what happened, and that reassures me what i did was okay, too. but outside of that i dont have a clear idea. i think subs asking or offering specific things helps a lot. cuddling is important. if someone just up and leaves or is like "alright lets go out" after sex i really dont do well with the transition. i need to speak up more about this, but also i need to prioritize finding people who just know to ask or check in.

#if u read all of that ur a champ #its just journaling for me rn #cause its kind of crazy to think how my dom style/dynamic has developed and i think it has developed in mostly unhealthy circumstances #so i think its good to reflect why and what i can do moving forward #slug.personal #slug.j

[rexscanonwife]

I feel a little better today 💖💖 I'm replaying Pikmin 4 and it's sooooo fun and seeing my wife is so nice 😭😭 I love girls I love women and kissing them!!!

#jane journals #self insert talk #🐶 puppy love 🐶 #i just added some stuff to the queue ahdjfjfjf i need to draw us again soon... #its a little hard rn bcs im overthinking like crazy #but my partner and friends are helping me out a lot 💖💖💖 #BUT SHEPHERD UGGGHH MY WIFE SHEPHERD #I WANT HER 💖💘💖💘💖💘💖💘💖💘 #i love the idea of having a huuuuge crush on her while in rookie training camp #maybe she does some of the training herself and i manage to pass despite being so distracted ajfjgkg #LIKE THE FACT THAT SHEPHERD RECOGNIZES THE PLAYER CHARACTER AT THE START OF THE GAME #its like hiiii 🥺 omg hii

[fadeintoyou1993]

woke up at 5am and googled How Can I Be Okay With Being Sad and read an article with a bunch of bullet points and i think i got it now im in the know

#txt #(lying) #its so hard like. letting myself be sad because ive let myself be sad before and it didnt end up well for me. #and i Donttt wanna go back to that again so im just constantly pushing it away or trying to Not Be Sad but i think Sad is a part of Who I Am #UuufhhhhhhghhhhhHhhhhhuugggjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #anyways. good morning i need to journal but i dont feel like sitting up rn so onto tumblr.com i go:)

[mimir97477906]

im so sosry for ranting abour this again but auhgufhgh im making a ref sheet of my ocs for myself beacse EVERYTIME I DRAW THEM THEY LOOK SOOOSK DIFFERENT os i thoguht maybe this can help me memorize their faces but EVEN THO IM USING GUIDELINES THE SAME CHARACTER LOOKS LIKE DIFFERENT PEOPLE ITS JUST A HEAD TURN AROUND I CANT DO THIS I FEEL SO VIOLENT WHY IS MY ART STYLE HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS HOWWWWWWW DO I FIX THIS

#everytime when im drawing any of my ocs and someone mixes them up with another oc my heart shatters to 7463874693 pieces #that either means everyone i draw looks the same or the same oc i draw looks so different every time #at that point they just went with whoever they think is the closest #im having the hardest time making my sentences right now what is going on my talkşng abilites have went down to zero #no like also ive always struggled w same face syndrome without realising #all my art life i had ocs that looked exactly the same from an outsiders view but they looked sososooo different to me #like i just erased my ocs frrom existence when i was 12 cuz everyone mixed them up and it frustrated me so bad #and i look back at that era AND THEY REALLY ARE EXACTLY THE SAME I CANT TELL WHO IS WHO #AND THIS KEPT HAPPENING until i got into sims which pushed me to egt out of my comfort zone #this is why its very important to be obsessed with the ugliest character u can find ^_^(NERVOUS SUBJECT) #and now im scared i once again convinced myslef that my ocs look very different when they actually arent #ok maybe this is a transitional period from having a same face syndrome to being able depict different kinds of people #and im in between rn cuz since im nnot used to this i just cant draw the same face again #and everytime i draw it loks like a dfifferent stuyle whatfevrrrr whatevr #wow writing down your feelings really do work maybe i should get a journal #ramblings

[the-toybox-general]

Living with the small itsy bitsy fear that the post-game of the remake might make my old General Guy and Mack au very not canon... But also somewhat hoping that's the case . Do u understand... BDKNDND

Like if we get more post-game mack content I'll be over the moon but I WILL have to rewrite my old "general guy fixes mack" au a bit methinks

I just want them to interact. I'm so abnormal about it 😔! Two opposing commanders of shy guy armies? Um . Ok !! Sorry mack you broke down and a funny shy guy took in some of your shymores while you were out!!

Also no spoilers on this post if you've seen post game .... Points a big finger... ( Lighthearted tone but no spoilers )

#general's journal #ur like. chess what au is that #HAHA i never posted it publically #too bad for you all youre getting it on full display anyways #smrpg spoilers #?? #idk if we are or are not . so i dont think its spoilers #but i guess im discussing possibities of post game .? #im at just after yaridovich rn BDKDNDKDMD #Im too ahead of myself #anyways im making content of my old au anyways if its non canon then shrugs rlly hard #living with the idea that this au interests only me #but maybe u guys will at least enjoy silly art abt it

[yuukimiyas]

໒꒰ྀི っ◞‸◟c ꒱ྀིა feelin v much…not cool rn…

#ᕱ⑅ᕱ.* journals! #not in the sense of like…bein cool & hip! but in the like…not good way :’< #im supposed to go to my boyfies house after wrk but i think im just gonna go home ૮꒰◞ ◟꒱ა #i just feel like layin down & havin a HUGE cry :’< & ik im not so fun to be arround rn so mayhaps i will spend tonight alone :/ #sorry guys for harshing the mellow :/ i’ll talk to you all tmrw <33 i hope its a much better one for lil ole me ૮꒰ྀི ´∩∩` ꒱ྀིა

[semercury]

Spent $5 on the digital remains, and I feel bad bc I'm anxious with money rn for understandable reasons, but ultimately I am glad I got it. The booklet was really neat to look through, and seeing crossed out lyrics and how the songs evolved is really special to me. Also the live tracks were fun to listen to, despite my headache.

#stuff sarah says #i want to crawl inside his brain and take a look around and understand the process #i want to have a long conversation with him about writing and the creative process #i probably never could. im too shy. and he has that midwest sarcastic avoidance aggressive type #and ive got that midwest sarcastic avoidance avoidant type #idk. this whole album is just really special to me #might have to see if i can burn a physical cd of it from the digital album and keep it in my car or smth #if i ever end up super financially stable i want to get a record player and as many records of theirs as i can #my oldest little cousin has one and listening to it made me want one. music just sounds nice on a record player #oh also listening to the live tracks made me wonder if ill ever be able to see them live #ive been to one (1) concert in my life when i was less anxious of a person and it was surprisingly roomy #ive seen videos of their concerts. everyones packed like sardines. everyones yelling (like on the tracks) #if i could guarantee it would be a good day i think id be fine #but like im im anxious that day or have a headache (my head is pounding rn...) like... #idk. maybe the adrenaline would make it go away #i remember talking to my mom about how they have shows near me in october but i didnt think i could go #bc of money + anxiety + other stuff and shes like well your birthday is in november #and its just like... i dont know what life will look like next month. much less october... #like i dont want to make plans and buy tickets and then have to cancel bc of a funeral or sudden changes you know? #anyway. the booklet is really cool #i wish they sold the journal by itself bc i really want that lol

[manwithoutaspleen]

more transition rambling

as upset as i sometimes get about not passing, i still love what transitioning is doing for/to my body so much. like i never get sick of seeing how hairy i’m getting, i’m impatient for more facial hair and so excited to have stubble and one side burn (and i would love for both side burns to come in.) my chest hair has started coming in the past few weeks and THATS been a thrill.

every time i hear myself singing and actually like how i sound? every time i laugh weird and sound like my brother, who i love so much? every time i see a friend for the first time in awhile

it’s just, life has been so hard for like, a year and a half now, and while i do think i’m finally on the upswing, there’s a lot of new trauma to deal with. but one thing i’ve learned from all this is how to take care of myself so, so well. i can love and care for myself now in ways i never imagined being possible. and having a body that actually brings me joy makes that so much easier.

and like, it’s especially resonant to have a body that actually brings JOY when i’ve had chronic pain since i was 12. when this all started because i got a new disability. my body can do less and hurts more and i still love it more. its harder to care for, but i’m trying harder.

transitioning has saved my life in SO many ways i could not be more grateful that i finally did it

#separate ramble for the tags: #i deactivated my twitter for a day and realized i could just. not bring it back #and so i didnt! and while i will pop in occasionally so i dont lose it permanently and to check in w people and there and such #it is kinda nice. its also very weird #i also deleted the tumblr app #so i cant just like share every random thought i have with the internet #and i WANT to so badly i am so used to it lmao #but i think practicing being more intentional about what i share online and like breaking that habit of tweeting everything is good for me #even if its not permanent #but hell it might be! #i havent done a great job on breaking the scrolling habit bc i still have instagram for my sibling gc lmao #but reels are. way less engaging than twitter so. #reflecting on it though has made me realize like my memory is so bad and one reason i tweet so much is literally as a Record #but its like alright well maybe a Journal would be Better #and accepting that its ok to forget random thoughts i do not need to preserve every little idea i have #reflecting on internet habits on the internet is very online i admit #but i dont mind being online im just trying to find a way to do so that doesnt break my brain so bad #which is why this is on my mind rn bc like i do genuinely enjoy doing a little blog every so often lmao #might branch out and start actually blogging/writing about my interests too

[raccooninthedaytime]

Im like if you ordered a girl but asked for the girl on the side

#this feels right #thoughts from the dumpster #this is just me trying to figure out how to make female friends irl lmfao #me (a girl): what do girls like??? coffee?? beach??? #i could just think about what i like and look for that in an irl female friend but truly the pool i have to choose from is very small and #it is hard to relate to them. not impossible as i consider them like definitely friends #but like. i just need a woman who isnt my mom to discuss my female experience with every once in a while #my best friends rn are 1 guy and 1 nonbinary and that’s tiding me over but i just like. #i dont know #i should be putting THIS in my journal entry #btw i started a journal. if you even carw #very proud of myself for that one #its for my ‘mental health’

[time-is-restored]

i have literally nowhere else to put this i apologise for the spam. the absolute best thing to come out of s3 trent is without a doubt the fucking earnestness... like in s1-2 he always came across as a very self-assured kind of guy, who knew how he came off (ie: intimidating) and enjoyed it. but seeing that paired with him being silly + completely relaxing in certain company??? pulling ridiculous faces at vodka + scrunching up his nose when he smiles @ colin + making the most ABSURD 'i really wanna say something right now but i feel like im interrupting' noises ive ever heard in my fucking LIFE??? its like. he is cool as shit and he is self assured AND he can make dumb fucking sherlock holmes jokes and dance ridiculously. its like!!!! he's lame but he's also not bc he's exactly as confident in being lame as he is being cool. do u see the vision. he has killed the part of him that cringes!!!! its just.. that unshakeable self confidence that u see in his fucking swaggers into frame includes all of himself + his different moods and eccentricities and that's just so based to me idk. unironically live ur best life wear the loudest combination of prints and patterns and primary colours uve ever seen in ur life while espousing the virtues of extended museum hours!!! contain multitudes! get silly with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#ted lasso spoilers #combined with james lance's hc abt trent's past its just. like!! #the growth from 'i can't be what you want me to be so im going to be Better than them + tear them down' #-> 'i know my reputation so im going to lean into that + be ruthless + intimidating' -> #'actually fuck this? fuck this! im just gonna be me and if anyone has a problem w then L To Them I'm Actually Living' #also this is just my hcs at this point but like. i do think ted helped a lot w the latter part of this process in so much as. ted embodied #someone who was Visibly weak + vulnerable and had no armour/no sense of self preservation #(the opposite of trent's persona) and made no effort to change anything abt himself to prevent attack. obviously ted has a lot of social + #class advantages that make that less risky for him than it would be for others but like. u get the drift #and i THINK. seeing how without that armour/facade ted was able to be rlly direct + earnest w connecting w ppl #like asking an interviewer 'what do u love?' and rlly genuinely wanting to know the answer #and bc TRENT was specifically in the position of 'i could fucking destroy u rn and u wouldn't put up a fight' #that kind of. shifted his perspective a bit? like. damn what would that say abt me if i wrote a hit piece on this guy rn #i disagree VERY strongly w the idea that trent's more positive character development moments happened ONLY bc of ted (i don't think that's #true for anyone in the show tbh) BUT i think ted's presence at a pivotal point in his life was what helped him confront the fact that #at this stage in his life all his intellectual armour was doing was making him into someone Mean rather than just incisive #like. 'is this a fucking joke' is not cutting journalism. u get me?? #and arguably that's a fine and even safe choice to make when ur younger and have no support/reputation backing u up #but after decades? its like man wtf are we doign here if were literally just living preventatively #smth smth i hope i am not just a tumblr blog to u but a blog who is inventing the brain chemistry of a sitcom side character #w each new episode they watch. trent crimm is my best friend irl i know he would have scorching hot takes abt each new season of survivor #and would earnestly heckle the jury and final 3 alike

[boyghcst]

-

#so have my first day of training today bc I cancelled it last time #cos of anxiety #n I’m so anxious lol #ik its jsut volunteering but it still feels really overwhelming #I don’t wanna go but ik I gotta force myself #have no proper work experience so it’ll give me tht #plus I gotta learn to be around ppl and being in the public #just dreading it honestly esp b it’s 4 hrs n I’m just not used to tht anymore #after being off work for quite a while #i just don’t wanna go back to it #I’m sure it’ll be okay once I’m there I just have a lot of physical symptoms rn #not fun :-) #journal

[demobatman]

i got the steddie and platonic stobin brainrot bad

#they got me writing shit like a damn. pathos. whats a classic poet name #i am no writer they just pull the passion out of me #its journaling but fiction #i say steddie like im actually writing about them and not steve and robin exposition #character studies go craaaazzyy and by studies i mean interactions from my brain onto the screen #i have their brains inside mine #give me the cadence in which you speak NNNOOOWWWW #im about to just start writing steve and robin only frfr this shit rocks #whT am i saying its 5:27 am on the clocks folks #Ill Do It Myself #me after looking through ao3 #they live in my cortex i got this guys #the duffers transfered their consciousnesses into me like chappie #yall seen chappie that movie is insane #i am barely alive rn. #ramble

[rexscanonwife]

Me rn I forgor that mutuals will randomly see my likes now and if any of u follow on my main blog and see that shit NO YOU DON'T

#jane journals #uh..... #crush talk?? #something just happened #and like very suddenly and for no reason at all rly?? #yall ever have those characters that u never rly think about and didnt like too much when everyone was going on abt them #WELLLLLL #SOMEONE'S BEEN REWATCHING MARKIPLIER PLAY FNAF A LOT LATELY #and has also recently seen the movie #DONT WORRY ITS NOT WHAT U THINK #i would never in a million years be a william afton enjoyer #but. for some reason. michael?? #and dont get me wrong movie mike (who isn't even confirmed to be the same mike) is cute and all he just doesnt do it for me #i like a lot of hc designs for michael way more and also his cool zombie form after sister location and during fnaf 6 #I DONT KNOWWWWWW #IVE BEEN DISCUSSING IT W MY FRIEND WHOS VERY FNAFPILLED RN AND I DUNNO #maybe thisll be a week long crush at most but rn im just like.....how???

[shuckstruck]

I bought a solo journaling rpg called “Transformation: a story about the monster you are becoming” and I’m going to start doing that every day (potentially starting tonight) :)

I’ve been looking forward to it I’m adding enrichment to my enclosure. I’m debating if i want to use a real notebook for it or if I just want to use the Notes app on my phone…

I’m hoping to play and flesh out the backstory for my werewolf blorbo :)

#on one hand. journal means i can make art. on the other #on the other im probably just going to be drawing werewolf hemlock #and not like. what hemlock would be drawing. so. #ID USE MY MOLESKIN. BUT ITS SUPPOSED TO BE DEDICATED TO JUST RAMIEL. BUT ALSO #THERES A LOT OF HEM IN THERE ALREADY #i went all out making a backstory for ramiel #but other than him im used to like #bouncing ideas off for ocs. and one of the dms isn’t super into it from what i have gleaned? #SO IM USING THIS TO LIKE. HELP ME GIVE HER MORE BONDS TO HER PAST #CAUSE RN HEMLOCK HAS ONE MEGA BITCH IN HER PAST AND THATS KINDA IT

[lordofthemushrooms]

yeah I have atrocious short term memory but you know what that means? I can play Astarions romance as many times as I want and it'll always be a little bit new to me

#this is a joke but also guys I carnt remember anything he says to me like ever and it's slowly driving me insane Im gonna have to start #keeping like a what my friends say to me in bg3 journal just to remember #bg3 #That video on youtube thats like every single possible Astarion conversation is saving my life rn since its mostly in order #so I can go find the ones that im blanking on and remember what was going on #the struggle is real just know

[muffinrag]

i feel like there's a fine line between "being considerate" and "unhealthily anticipating others' needs" and that line is a) in a different place for every single person i will ever meet and b) literally never clear (but maybe ive never met a person who sets clear and healthy boundaries) (or maybe i ignore and glaze over it when people set boundaries because it feels like being stabbed even though it's normal)

#born and raised a mormon in a family full of people pleasers #im actually in hell and need a therapist #the people im living with are hugely conflict avoidant which doesn't help #my period is starting next week so i think i'm feeling extra unstable rn #and my trans girl roommate felt the need to randomly bash men again today which always feels. mmm. so good (lying) #she always specifies 'cishet' men too lmfao. like 'not you muffin you're fine but all cishet men suck' and expects me to agree with her #girl its terf rhetoric. girl. please. #im just complaining in the tags now. maybe i should go journal i haven't in weeks #sighs. #sighs again. #muffinrag blabs