#ive felt love i know its real and amazing but no ones ever loved me and im done with it i just want to be happy with my person

[kaeyapilled]

hey! your kaeya takes are so real!!! I was wondering if you had any good fic recs?? I want to read something that has good kaeya characterization (+bonus if it's ragbros that isn't just them crying and hugging it out like you were talking about) and am tired of scrolling through tags

!! omg thank you im so honored to hear that people like my takes lol

fic recs huh!! i have some!! do you mind it if most of them are about child kaeya? (i hadnt realized how many of my bookmarks focused on his childhood until i went through them all lmao) hopefully it isnt all stuff youve already read before! here goes:

A Horse Makes for a Stable Life by FollowerofMercy – Wanting to test the boundaries of his host’s goodwill, Kaeya asks for a pony for his birthday. He didn’t expect Crepus to deliver. Or, the story in which things get uncomfortably real for young Kaeya.

do you like kaeya and crepus interactions!! because this fic explores their dynamic in suuuuch a nice way that felt very refreshing to see portrayed!! perfect ratio of hurt to comfort in my opinion. overall quite lighthearted compared to my other recs though lol. good exploration of kaeyas inner conflict since a young age. yeah i love it and recommend it

I'm gonna miss your love when it's gone by imaginarypasta – A selection of scenes from Kaeya's childhood related to his relationships with his fathers, and all they have led him to be.

this one is so good!!!! i feel like its rare to see kaeyas biological father portrayed as anything other than a heartless asshole, and this fic explored kaeyas relationship with him in such a nice manner that makes for a very melancholic and. i guess bittersweet story that takes into consideration the nuance of the situation in a way that i really dont see super often. the parts about kaeyas relationship w crepus are also really well done i love it. oh and the khaenri'ah lore the author takes some liberty with is really really interesting!!

not bad for a walk on death's doorstep by b_attery – Fear is a knife’s edge. Fear is a killer. Fear is how you know you’re still alive.

my bookmark of this work said "literally the best kaeya character study ive ever read" and honestly i still stand by that. the word flow is great and the exploration of fear as such an intrinsic part of kaeya's life and as the driving force for most of his actions and feelings and responses. it's so good!!! this one contemplates kaeyas childhood both before and after his arrival in mondstadt and goes until after diluc's return. absolutely recommend it!!

Hundred-Watt Light by pepperjuice – A story about ten years of contingency plans and holding your own hand. (Because how else are you supposed to live with a weight too big to hold all alone?)

this. this rewired my brain forever. this holds the title of best kaeya character study ever along with the previous one i talked about. definitely mind the tags because it primarily deals with suicidal ideation and thoughts so, if that's a trigger then it's best to not read this one lol but still it is SO good and it explores kaeya's inner conflicts and awful coping mechanisms after having such a heavy burden thrusted upon him at an extremely early age with no good support of any kind. i absolutely love this fic it's very dear to me and i think about it sooo often it truly altered my brain chemistry

things fall apart by kernsing – Happy eighteenth, Diluc.

finally some ragbros content! sadly it isnt the reconciliation you asked for it's about when things fell apart. this is one of my favorite ever renditions of how it all went down on That Day - it reshaped some of my own headcanons, actually. this one is more from diluc's pov than kaeya's, and it's written really really well, and explores diluc's grief over his father's death in SUCH an amazing and interesting way!! and the way it parallels kaeya's own emotions and that is exactly what causes them to fight is extremely tasty i loved it. read it it's good

okay i can probably find some more but this is enough for one post i think. deeply sorry for not delivering the good ragbros reconciliation content.. i tbh haven't gathered a lot.. but i hope you and whoever else reads this enjoys these! thank you for the ask <3

#sharing fic recs on tumblr.com isn't just a hobby it's a full time job and a lifestyle. #anonpilled #kaeyaposting #kaeya #kaeya alberich #diluc #ragbros #brothers tag #genshin impact

[semiotextiana]

im really really excited to show an artwork for the very first time and i know exactly how to finish it now and will be doing that tomorrow probably. im excited to also figure out my practice and make more in the future. and im so grateful to have made such amazing friends who have really been beyond supportive and the genuine platonic love and kinship that have entered my world are really so healing and rewarding. when im surrounded by them i really feel safe in a family way. berlin is a rotten place right now but among this darkness there are some real figures of light and its also such a fundamentally funny place somehow. im also deeply grateful for the amazing trans women all around and one of them in particular that have made it so easy for me to overcome my fear of befriending and confiding in people with the same experience as me. ive felt so alone for so much of my life but i think i really feel a sense of belonging for the first time ever and am realizing that its me who has to grant myself that. also the possibility of a love and sex life opening up to me is just so… new. it just has everything to do with self respect and self acceptance. i just need to learn how to be smarter about making money because ive been fumbling that for way too long

[fyorina]

(uh, this is rlly long im so sorry qwq)

OMG THAT LAST CHAPTER HAD ME FEELING SM CARINA U CANT DO THIS TO ME !!!! LITERALLY THE FIRST FEW PARAGRAPHS IN I HADTA WALK AROUND BC I WAS SO OVERWHELMED I LOVED IT SM !!! N THOSE LAST FEW LINES. DONTDOTHISTOME I S A W THE "BEAST AU COMPLIANT" TAG ON UU IM GONNA SOB MY EYES OUT DURING IT I JUST KNOW !!!

gonna leave some of my fave few lines n my thoughts abt them from this chapter (ok these arent all of em, bc if i put all of em it'd be the whole 50k words of this series SO ITS JUST THIS CHAPTER)

"because how could he possibly belong amongst people who are so unfailingly good that it makes his tainted heart stick out like a sore thumb?"

STOP NO DONT DO THIS TO MEEEEEE throughout the whole fic u perfectly captured his thought process n how he denies his own capacity for change n how he HAS changed from when he was 18 BUT THIS LINE MADE ME TEAR UPPPPPP

"He is so completely and irrevocably in love with you that Dazai doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to live in a world without you. The thought alone makes his skin crawl and his chest cave in."

self-explanatory

“Are you calling me ugly?” 

u gorgeous, gorgeous man ilysm yes you look like a rat but i'll swaddle u up in blankets n clean u up

the whole graveyard scene. DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY HELLO

“You were a kid, Osamu. You’re not some incarnate of evil for ending up where you did, you were failed by all of the adults in your life,”

ok nvm crying this hit me like a truck

"Humans cannot live without a heart, so if he’s to give you his, it’s only fair that you give him your own—though realistically, yours has already been his for a long time."

i feel like this mightve been ur fave line, but if it wasnt IT STILL IS MINE BC OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD QWQ

ranpos lil rant was so funny he's literally me frfr

“Yeah… ha, look at us, in jail at the same time! Couple goals, huh?” 

i giggled

PLS READER INVITING EVERYONE JUST TO AVOID GETTING INTERROGATED UMMM RELATABLE LMFAO

these are just some of them BUT JUST IN GENERAL, UR WRITING IS JUST MAGICAL ITS EVERYTHING IVE EVER WANTED TO READ N I LOVELOVELOVEEEE THIS SERIES N ALL UR WORKS (n u /p) SM !!! I CANT WAIT FOR UNREAL UNEARTH, I JUST KNOW IT'LL BE AMAZING !!!

RED HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU NOT TO APOLOGIZE I LITERALLY ADORE YOU IM GOING TO WEEP OMG

honestly the first scene of dazai’s pov was one of my favs to write because it pisses me off so much whenever he’s excluded from the ada panels in the manga fjsjdjsjjd so i NEEDED the opportunity to hit home that that is his FAMILY idc what asagiri says the ada is that boys family and he deserves it 🥹🤞

UGHHHHH STOP BECAUSE WHENEVER I WRITE CANONZAI ITS SO HARD TO KEEP ON THAT THIN LINE OF HIS INABILITY TO ACCEPT HIS OWN GROWTH WHILE ALSO HAVING HIM ACKNOWLEDGING ODA’S LAST WISH FOR HIM SO I REWROTE SO MANY OF HIS POVS SEVERAL TIMES BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I WASNT GRASPING IT ALL PROPERLY

the graveyard scene was one of the 3 scenes i started writing for 🥹 i literally was weeping when i finally got to it

AND ALSO THE YOU WERE A KID LINE UGHHHHHHHH BRO when i tell you that’s something that i literally want to scream at him and shake his shoulders like he was FOURTEEN WHEN MORI BROUGHT HIM IN AFTER HIS ATTEMPT !!!!! FOURTEEN !!!!! HE WAS A BABY IT MAKES ME SO SAD WHEN HE FRAMES HIMSELF AS SOME IRREDEEMABLE MONSTER WHEN HE ONLY TURNED OUT THE WAY HE DID BECAUSE HE HAD NO ADULTS IN HIS LIFE SETTING HIM ON THE RIGHT TRACK ugh im gonna weep again i will always be dazai’s #1 defender, i will fight him himself idc he was only a lil baby :’)

oh my god fun fact i actually almost deleted that line about the heart, i don’t even know why like i was rereading it right before i post and i second guessed myself because i was like ‘i don’t think it rlly flows’ but then i decided against removing it because i liked the line in general SO IM WEEPING AGAIB

bro ranpo needs a promotion for real the headaches this man must get because of people not listening to him 💀

HDOSJDJSJDJJD THE COUPLES GOAL LINE WHEN I TELL YOU I SNORTED WRITING IT HELPPPPP I WAS GIGGLING SO HARD

RED ILYSM IM BUNDLING YOU IN THE SOFTEST BLANKETS AND GIVING YOU A FOREHEAD KISS

i’m so excited for unreal unearth like honestly it’s my pride and joy, i’m so pleased with how my beast!dazai characterization has come out so far and i’m hoping everyone else is going to like it too 🥹 if not ill simply die HAHAH JK JK JK no but really i’m so very excited for it

#ᡣ𐭩 carina’s love letters #ᡣ𐭩 from user: cheriiyaya

[time-is-restored]

more whinging bc i got negative hours of sleep last night and i need to stay awake somehow lol

cw: discussions of misogyny + abuse

god the more i think abt it the more exhausted i get by the gender politics of ted lasso.

like god i do genuinely think that rebecca's arc in s1 is one of the best depictions of a mean + cruel woman ive ever seen on TV specifically bc it manages to thread the needle so well? like they never tilt her balance too much and doom her to being either totally fucked up + evil OR totally soft and sweet and harmless. and ted's 'divorce makes u crazy' response to her apology STILL makes me crazy wrt the sheer. understanding and empathy there, and she's just. given so much more depth than ive come to expect, especially for an ensemble cast sitcom w a (then) p short run time.

but my fucking god. we literally don't learn a fucking thing about michelle. im pretty sure the one (1) concrete thing we know about her comes in the fucking finale, and it's that she's a teacher for... something. the two most important people in ted's life and we don't know anything abt them! they're literally just empty symbols representing the importance of Family™, and that vacancy does nothing but weigh ted's storyline down!

like, i liked michelle's episode/storyline in s1, bc the blinding novelty of a woman instigating a divorce not being the Actual Devil, as well as a just. generally very empathetic + nuanced take on how divorce shakes out between two ppl who really care for each other, was so 'WAIT TV CAN DO THIS??' that i felt satisfied with that being Her Arc™. divorce happens, life happens, people fall out of love, and it hurts but its ultimately okay. the show, at the time, was ultimately abt a football club and how caring abt that football club helped everyone around it.

but then the show sticks around, and her continued absence just... raises a lot of questions? how did the conversation abt ted going overseas happen? what conversations did they have abt henry? how long term was it intended to be? did money really not factor into it all? like it's one thing for a character's backstory to be vague when it's not really the focus of attention (s1 was ultimately rebecca's story before anyone else's), but when it's the load bearing stone of their '''''''arc''''''' in s3...????

like. god. and then it fucking infects every other woman on the show!

sassy + nora? well sure we'll give you a softball - you can have one (1) scene where a woman is able to resolutely and firmly reject a man asking her out without immediately being seen as cruel or gameplayey (not that the audience will see it that way! she's already a lecherous temptress for them!), but neither of them will ever be able to speak to rebecca onscreen again, even after the heart-wrenching scenes in s1 CLEARLY establishing them as a beating heart of rebecca's arc.

shandy? nope, don't even think abt her motivations/drives, just forget her. simi? LMAOOO imagine a black woman getting a personality beyond righteous anger. jack? three-four episodes, and we learn so little abt her that her conflict with keeley - which SHOULD'VE have been a huge emotional beat - just feels like a kick in the teeth (and while, yes, i absolutely agree that in a real world context, jack's rejection of keeley would be largely motivated by class, in Ted Lasso Land™ rebecca is just as rich - if not richer? - and we're never once encouraged to interrogate her priorities).

barbara's the one that really makes me miserable, bc i feel like on a show with less run time, she could've played REALLY well. she's a great contrast to keeley, has an amazing delivery, and the scene where keeley + her first discuss the snowglobes shows that she has the potential for some really moving vulnerability + pathos. but instead they give SO many of keeley's scenes to characters who ultimately get written out, so when barbara stays it's like... okay? sure? like, i was so stoked that barbara survived the Mass Exodus of side characters that i didn't wanna look the gift horse in the mouth but... wasn't the last thing we saw of her and keeley's relationship like. general resentment + distrust abt the shandy debacle? when did that improve? how???

i don't think i'll ever have enough mental real estate to explain how disappointed keeley + rebecca's 'arcs' in s3 made me, and at least there's the saving grace that. virtually no one other than jamie got a coherent arc this season, so at least it was on some levels an egalitarian screw up. but fuck dude. keeley was just forced to react to bad things that were happening to her, and we got to see her do her job (which, unbelievably, does actually involve things other than being an awkward manager!) precisely one (1) time.

i even like rebecca's arc on paper - i think it's really cool to see a character backslide so intensely in terms of obsessing over and struggling to come to terms w a past relationship, especially an abusive one, bc like. yeah! that shit sticks with you for longer than a season! and beyond that, seeing her regain her sense of self and what SHE actually gives a shit about was oftentimes just as sweet as s1. but her scenes were poorly connected, and she had to carry WAY too much of a burden as the Resident Speech Giver for any of her internal characterisation to make sense. like, sorry, but it's kind of hard to believe a character's Going Through It™ when they have to spent near 100% of their screen time giving Take It From Me, Kid, speeches. and then she's not even given a real opportunity TO fuck up + sabotage her relationships, even when she starts getting really weird w ted! it's all just so meaningless and like nothing that she does is ever going to matter. she never speaks to zava again, we don't get to see her interact w bex or kate, her pleas to ted get COMPLETELY shut down...

but the thing that REALLY makes me sick is this complete lack of interiority absolutely butchers the characters of jade + jane, who are otherwise RIFE with potential. like, jade is a completely unflinching, unapologetic asshole to nate + his family, and that's never interrogated. even in Sitcom Land™, it's more than reasonable to view jade's actions as racist, especially when she doesn't give the same treatment to others (at least not as i recall? honestly i usually watch the taste of athens scenes while peeking out behind my hands, so i could 100% be wrong here). and yet, suddenly, and completely inexplicably, she's charmed by nate. she wants to give him the time of day. she finds him attractive, and wants to date him, and generally take control of his life and force him into a decision that is literally the exact opposite of what he expressed wanting to do. except even that LAST thing isn't allowed to be interrogated, bc god FORBID a woman is enough of a fully realised creation to actually be culpable of the terrible shit they do!

and fucking jane??? beard's so head-over-heels for this woman that the emotional abuse + extremely controlling tendencies don't even make him bat an eye, and we don't get to know anything about her? she's literally just the suggestion of an alluring woman! good at sex! good at chess! fuck you if you wanna know more, even though the show ENDLESSLY hits you over the head with how painful their relationship is for beard - beard who is given virtually no other storyline. like, i literally can't read brendan's refusal to label jane as abusive as anything other than like. that bio-essentialism shit where ppl 'women are better than men <3' so hard that they end up genuinely and wholeheartedly arguing that someone's sex defines their morals - or worse, that their sex is a deciding factor in determining whether someone's actions are good or bad. not context, but a legitimate 'add points if woman, take away points if man' variable.

like that's so feminism 101 it's legitimately almost worse than nothing. that's like getting as far as 'hey so you know how we're all inundated with both implicit + explicit messaging abt what is Valued and Good for women vs men to-' before shoving ur earplugs in and going 'if you are oppressed by society we'll automatically stamp a 'good person' label on ur head and now we don't have to think abt any of our biases + internalised beliefs ever again <333'. the most useless and fucking pointless stand against the patriarchy ever, especially coming from the same show that ENDLESSLY slots characters into the 'loving gf/wife' archetype and then give them Literally Nothing Else. my comrades you have literally just done madonna/whore 2: oops all madonnas! this is not liberation!!!! this is a miserable cage!!!!!!!!!

im just. higgins' wife. mae. trent's daughter and anonymous 'her'. the women at the hotel and the restaurants and the firm and the fucking physios, fuck - dani's gfs! who are they? what do they want? where do they go when the camera stops rolling? can anyone hear me?? hello??? hello???? brendan hunt i am OUTSIDE YOUR HOUUUUUUSE

#ted lasso spoilers #ted lasso meta #ted lasso critical #dead girls by p.enelope s.cott has been stuck in my head for approximately a month bc of this fucking show #its so fucking nuts being treated to rebecca + keeley in s1 and then slowly realising w dawning horror that its literally only down from #here. and also listen nothing but respect to my comrades out there who can take michelle + henry as written #and immediately + painlessly extrapolate from their significance in ted's life to viewing them as like. important figures narratively #but to me they literally never got beyond the carboard cutout stage? like. yes thank you if u love ur family its sad when u leave them. #why'd he leave them then lol. #LIKE. if both michelle AND henry are just these. passive vessels who are neither invested in ted staying OR leaving london #and the only motivation we're EVER given for ted's move is 'michelle wanted space'. like sorry for wanting an actual deconstruction of ted' #motivations rather than the worst mystery box of all time! if i wanted a story abt 'man misses family :( please don't ask any questions abt #the family in question-' i could just close my eyes and imagine a stock image of a sad business man. #wagh. ted bud they gave you so much potential + so many demons and then just wiped them away w no exploration outside of like. two #scenes w sharon. u are also in this cage king but at least u got a good two seasons of mc character energy before they locked the door :( #something something sorry for having an ace attorney witness stand breakdown when the show i liked Was Bad. do u still want to be mutuals

[good-morning-tucson]

LITTLE BABY THING A WEEK 2 REVIEW

flickr - i think this song is super silly. it sounds very somber and serious but its just images. thank you mr. coulton.

resolutions - everything about this song fills me with dread. just completely unavoidable stress. the fear of a new year combined with the slowed background and robotic voice does something to my head. and the counting. its like. oughhh. i can’t properly describe this songs effects on my psyche but know it Has Them.

you could be her - THIS SONG IS SO FUCKING REAL. i can feel everything the song sets up the main character to feel. all of the awful monotony and stuff. this song just reminds me of winter in the most evil way. somewhere theres a hell that was meant for me and i think ive found it #justgirlythings

i will - the only correct way to listen to the beatles

dance, soterios johnson, dance - he didnt have to go THIS hard. this one also makes me think of my foul best friend/gay lover aspen. i could fuck this song UP at karaoke. literally the most song ever. a never ever skip for me no matter the circumstances

so far so good - this is one of what i call “songs i want to listen to while slowly drifting out to the sea, drink in hand.” fills me with joy and hope but at the same time the deepest, saddest pit you’ve ever felt

curl - i think curl goes crazy despite being full red white and blue blooded american and having no interest in curling or canadians. i love it more when its live with paul and storm

chiron beta prime - my (tied) favorite joco song EVER. my first favorite joco song. chiron beta prime is very straightforward and has little room for interpretation to me but sometimes you NEED a good goofy lil sci fi song. the best. concert. ever. version with joco’s muppet laugh and andy bates is the best thing imaginable its joyous

take care of me - this song makes me really upset. he writes songs so real sometimes. he played that accordion solo for real himself i think

a talk with george - this song absolutely grew on me after hearing it live. made me really really really fucking emotional. the way he introduced it too was. ouuuughh the white man and his emotion provoking tunes. it makes my heart hurt

don’t talk to strangers - i don’t listen to this song enough. thank you dad joco

stroller town - i don’t think this song is real. i think i hallucinated this song entirely. i mean it’s not bad. his voice makes my brain go weird

re: your brains: i have the re: your brains shirt. anyway my best friend/divorced gay lover aspen have had many a conversation about the homosexual legitimacy of crazy dave and dr. zomboss from plants vs. zombies because of this song

thing a week 2 might be my favorite thing a week? i haven’t heard the others in a while so i’ll get back to you. but it does go INSANE. it’s got a ton of just amazing songs and some like. pretty good to okay songs. overall i love thing a week 2 so sweetly

#jonathan coulton #joco #thing a week 2

[pinkdeathmoth]

Hello, my name is Violet, and Im an Electric Witch. Ive been practicing for a couple of years now and my practices has changed overtime, which is to be expected. I started off honoring Bastet as shes one of my favorite Goddesses. And my favorite God is Hades but to be honest, as much as I love and respected deities, I never fully believed in them. I saw them as just energies that you can channel to use as inspiration for certain things like with any fictional characters or famous people in general.

Last year, I had a memory resurface from my past and its a dark secret that I kept for 25 years. I was abused by a family member when I was 6 years old and it lasted about a year. Once I told my husband of the abuse, my life changed drastically. I told my family of the abuse and even started therapy. I confronted my abuser and “they” went from admitting to it and wanting me better to saying Im taking this too seriously and making me look crazy and even now denies the abuse ever happened. I cut this person out of my life.

Jumping to months later, after the Eclipse, things started to change.

Not only Im on my healing journey, but I also had a spiritual awakening. It turns out that Hades himself been trying to reach out to me all my life. And yes, I always liked Hades from his Disney self, ever since the movie came out, to his actual mythology….but I didn’t think he was actually real.

But Hades is very real. And we have a deep spiritual loving relationship that actually has been going on for years! He even told me that I have Persephone essence within me. All Hades wanted me to do was to heal, to love myself and embrace my inner Goddess.

(The way I found out Hades reached out to me is a lifetime long story so maybe Ill write it another time!)

Im curious if anyone on here is in a relationship with their deity that they work with during their spiritual journey? I know that this is common but I would love to hear yalls stories if so!

The next day after finding out Hades was my deity and lover, I went to work the next day and this song played! My boss randomly shouts out that this song was for me! Hades is a Scorpio which adds to the excitement of this experience and I felt like a high school girl in that moment! Amazing right!?

#hades #freddy krueger #hades and persephone #witchcraft #greek deities #magic #magick #witchblr #witch community #scorpio #pluto #pinkdeathmothtea #Spotify #wicca #pagan #paganism #pagan wicca #childhood truama #gods #greek mythology #greek gods #greek tumblr #queen of the underworld #hades god of the underworld

[souryogurt64]

sour how do you feel about fob’s music post-hiatus vs pre-hiatus? also how do you feel about the shift in their public image as well as the shift in their fan base between these time periods? i find the way they seemed to be perceived as a band and as people pre-haitus vs post-hiatus really intriguing and would love to hear your thoughts on it

interestingly i think i used to absolutely adore folie and tttyg when i was younger like i think a lot of teens do, but i feel like my taste has changed now and those albums are probably some of my least favorites (though i love all of it, lol). i will say headfirst slide is one of the greatest songs theyve ever put out and is definitely in my top 5, i think tttyg is charming and very solid but it feels a bit more repetitive now that im older. im gonna get shot for this but i think some of the musical styles on folie have become less appealing to me as i have aged

ioh and cork tree are obviously amazing, i think everyone agrees on that and i have a tough time picking between the two

personally right now i think save rock and roll is their best album, i think its one of the strongest lyrically if not the strongest. save rock and roll was also what introduced me to fall out boy so maybe im biased but at this point in my life i really think its their best album, the lyrics are absolutely incredible and i feel like the way the artist features meld with the record thematically is really impressive and the ybc thing they did was really amazing in my opinion, i feel like people dont appreciate it as much anymore because i believe its age restricted on youtube now

i think abap is one of their weaker albums in terms of lyrics to be honest, i feel like the two biggest songs were reliant on a sample and something another girl wrote/sang and the album was also short. its still very solid and very catchy but it felt a bit underwhelming because of that. it was also extremely, extremely overplayed when i was in high school, so that might be part of why i dislike it, and it is their worst album art by far.

mania i think is interesting, i didnt like it at first and i do think it has its shortcomings (its short, they did scrap and rewrite it on a short timeframe) and is definitely experimental but it has some really amazing songs-- i think last of the real ones is one of the best theyve ever put out. its by no means their worst album. i do not think young and menace should have been the lead single, i think that turned basically everyone off to the album and i remember i actually cried in the bathroom at school when it came out. i think if last of the real ones had been the lead the reception would have been very different. however, the visuals for the album on their tour as well as the cover and the merch/promo they did is some of the best ive ever seen. i also loved loved loved dear future self

i do think their public image shift is interesting--andy used to widely be considered to sleep around a lot but my generation kind of views him as a wholesome teddy bear, lol, and pete has been very successful at rehabbing his image haha. patrick and joe i think are more or less the same but when i was a teenager literally everyone acted like patrick did not know what sex was, which was a bit weird, and i think that was exclusive to like 2013-2016 bandom

BTW i think my top 5 songs ever in no particular order is just one yesterday, last of the real ones, headfirst slide, hum hallelujah, and then.... im not sure

[bunnyreaper]

psst! 3, 14, 26, and 33, stat!! ♡

3: the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for?? how the fuck am i supposed to answer this lol, i guess my ex-fiance since i was going to marry him? i have super conflicted feelings about our relationship, because on one hand it changed my life and the way i loved forever, but it also took from me in some ways as i tried to be someone i wasnt ready to be. i keep thinking back to how we were 16 (me) and 24 (him) when we first started talking, and the more i think of it the more sinister it is, especially knowing what i know now about the person he turned into when i walked away, the vile things he said and did... but i wouldve never gotten past my relationship trauma without him, would've never had so many amazing experiences. we decided to get married without being engaged, but he planned on giving me an engagement ring with a real proposal, and i fucking cried afterward when he told me how he was going to do it because it was so perfect. and then he showed me the ring he got, and he ignored everything i asked for--so that sums it up in many ways, haha. to my current bf who i hope becomes the one: he's the most patient and kind person i've ever loved. ive never felt comfortable with someone so quickly, and i knew i was going to love him the second i saw his stupidly handsome face. 14. VACATION ALL IVE EVER WANTED!! man, i was just saying about how much i want to go back to calgary and vancouver. tbh in general i just miss canada in general. but!! i got to go to vancouver for a single day because i had to go to the british embassy to get an emergency passport. it was both an incredible and horrible day. 26. things i do when im sick?? cry, feel pathetic, sleep a bunch and drink orange sport lucozade, its my go to sick drink!! 33. these days when im sad, i guess i just try and ignore it until it goes away. i cant cry, and i find myself most often feeling sad about lack of validation, so sometimes ill go work on things that will get me that validation. OR i put on loud music and pace/stare at the ceiling/imagine scenarios in my head

#i say i cant cry but i did almost cry writing this so #whoops #bunny mail

[taegularities]

Rid you're crazyyyyyyyyyyy

just finished cmi11 IM FUCKING CRYING holy shit that was so good oh god

first of all the conversation between oc and her mom made me cry so hard- it hit home for me, as a girlie with mommy issues, that part felt so real to me. Oc's courage to stand up for herself like that and tell her how much she hurt her own daughter is something i dont have in me. It broke my fucking heart, that yearning feeling, i cant believe you put that specific feeling into words rid [are u part of the mommy issues community as well🧐 or are u just that amazing, a true fucking artist (i saw that anon calling you the beyonce of ff and i agree 100%)] idk how to describe my feelings rn, that part definitely left a mark in my heart, ill never forget it

second the domesticity in these two dorks oh my goddddd they're driving me crazy, theyre so cute and in love and im in love with them and i want to cry bc i want what they have but bc irl men suck the hopeless romantic in me is gonna have to live through fanfics for the rest of my life and that makes me fucking miserable but bless the fanfic gods like you that keep my soul alive, idk what id do without you

lastly that scareeeeee oh god like i knew itd be a negative but it had my heart beating out of my ass (idk if thats a phrase) but the way they handled it oh god, the emotionsssssss the fears and insecurities, just reminded me that theyre human, even if theyre the most fucking adorable characters ever, theyre still human and i loved seeing such nuance. You really are doing an amazing job rid, not only writing the story, scenes and dialogue, but also the way you write these characters in such depth, its so fucking refreshing to see.

i want to kiss your beatiful head that holds your beautiful brain, seriously ive never ever been so enchanted by a piece of writing before (and i read so much fanfiction its like an addiction) you are by far my strongest fix. For real tho, your writing, and particularly cmi has touched me deeply and I'll never ever forget it. So thank you

Rest assured and stop doubting yourself bc youre seriously incredible and so fucking talented. Now rest up and take care of yourself, i imagine its not easy to birth such work (i mean 36k you monster, i loved every second of it but damn girl take a break before you burn your brain out) but no srsly i hope youre eating well, sleeping well and doing things that make you happy and relaxed. You deserve all the best of this world rid🫂🩷

sincerely ~ 🐼✒️anon

panda hi hello oh my gosh, sorry for being late, but you mentioned so many important things, so i wanted to take my time HELLO!! never stop sending these lovely af reviews 🥺

i know... she really is inspiring bc the courage to stand up against someone you feared for so long is admirable. i'm part of both the mommy and daddy issues community even though it's gotten a lot better lol like i wonder why it's such a recurring theme in my fics 🤣 i'm so sorry you could relate to oc :( but i'm glad you liked the scene so much.

and ahhh the domesticity 🤧 it's been so so fun and relaxing to write!! real life romance can be hard to find, yeah :') so i guess writing these scenes and chapters has been extra cathartic (although it drives me crazy, too — the next chapter has been making me so jejfhdjjsgd), but here's to finding a cmi jk irl soon :') much more to come!!!🕯️

the scare was one hell of a ride 🥺 i cried a lot!! and even i have been realising lately that i sometimes try to make my characters flawless, but that's actually not what i wanna go for. i always snap out of it and then try to make them flawed bc they're human, and i think the cmi couple, despite how endearing they are, is definitely vv flawed :') thank you for pointing that out 🥺

your strongest fix?? girl PLEASE ILL CRY 😭💔 i love you so much, you're so sweet for saying that and seeing me in such a way, pls i want you here forever <3 i rested a lot after cmi11! but ngl, cmi11.5 almost burned me out ksjdhehd gonna rest even more after that hehe. tyssssm, i hope you're well and healthy and i appreciate you so much for your kindness, reassurances and love for this series/me. love you so much 🤍

#MWAH see you tonight<3 #notes for rid 🌹 #🐼✒️ anon #fic: colour me in

[mifhortunach]

2023 'overview'

The standard end of year post of course!

This year has both breezed by and felt absolutely endless, personally at least, and i feel like i accomplished nothing(!), but still, here's a round up of some stuff i enjoyed!?

MOVIES: as ever as always! I'm writing this a bit in advance, but i've deffo seen less movies this year than i did last year, tho i believe that i did manage to get out to the cinema way more than usual (tho, tbh, most often on my lonesome i think). I think i've felt the most divided on them this year; i liked a lot of stuff very VERY much! i also have felt so SO bored with a lot more things. i think i talked about having like. a matrix moment last year, nothing like that this year, tho a lot more of being like, 'well yeah, of course', or finally being able to recognise what a shot is, lol. Regardless, here are the movies i probably loved the most this year:

aftersun: all i talked about jan thru feb, need to watch it again. it looks great, its both fun & heartbreaking, and you KNOW i love the found footage side of it all - especially when it addresses that even when you have footage of 'objective reality' you just really cant know it all operation avalanche: as w aftersun, this shit gets at like ALL my interests! OpAv isn't a perfect movie, and i think the more u know about the production/etc the more obvious that becomes [i genuinely WOULD love to see/know more about the version that really did have the mole/romance plotline integrated, but lbr, that doesnt really exist]. ANYWAY!! i do think this is such an exciting film to watch, especially the movie making sequences, and i think the feeling of it all comes across so truly iygm. also, obvs, bc i love conspiracies unfortch the dirties: im sorry there's so much MJ on this list, short tho it is! but hey, these really took over my life for a month there lol. i still havent listened to the commentary w the real film critic, but i truly find this to be an airtight movie, the found footage stuff is so well integrated, justifying everything while also calling all intent/'reality' into question.. i do think someone could spend forever with it - its also funny & miserable! what more could u want (watch my fancam please) my house walkthrough: i genuinely just really like this!! ive said it before, but i genuinely just find it such an exciting watch, the bts just makes it so much cooler - what's sicker than repetition Hon Noms: la confidential: heat walked so this could run ! thirst: so much fun, i love vampire lovers who hate each other beau is afraid: too long, but i really liked most of this, v funny black tower: great example of doing smth so cool w very little

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

books:

francis spufford, new sun series, chandler, mauretania

PODCASTS:

sfultra!!!: sean L@TDF finally returns to talk about sci-fi books! sean is one of the few critics i'll always keep up with even when i dont agree w him, & this show has been a real treat all this year - the patreon stuff is great as well - its introduced me to a lot of new stuff & crit, and its been good to hear from him again. if u listen to any of these, listen to this shelved by genre: really good, tho often we have different interests - got me to read a fair few more books this year! im not a games guy, and im mad behind on fatt, so its super nice to get to hear some austin biweekly anyway, lol. twioat (as ever): i was a bit trepidatious about this season starting off, but it's been so much fun, the fellas really knocked it out of the park. i loved hearing from some guests that we havent heard from in ages. this season on AJLT was also fuckin amazing, truly & really adored their coverage; possibly highlight of my summer?? toxic podcast: i almost certainly shouted this out last year, but it was nice to have this around again in the top half of the year!! ale has a letterboxd now & its fun to get to see just how many truly atrocious horror movies he does watch all the time. a true connoisseur

------------------------

pick’n’mix:

ntbts: its a such good show!! i've watched more tv than usual this year, but i love how this is done on almost every level. i apologised before for having so much MJ on this list & i stand by that!, but i do think that one of the best (practical) traits in his work is making difficult stuff look not only easy, but genuinely both fun & achievable. whens the movie going to drop??? (lol) getting into shirts: this genuinely was more of an accidental year long thing, starting w the ones i printed for lizzie back in jan/feb, but its been fun! finally got back some screenprinting experience, and i think u can really see some amping up of ambition & basic skill/practice. i do wanna do more in the new year, but am trying to engage with actual intended outcomes (and lbr, the storage issue lol), so we'll see

the sopranos!!: sometimes they really were right about good tv being good, who knew! so much funnier, weirder & depressing than i wouldve expected- honestly undersung at this point. also, it introduced me to a tonne of music lol

the blackberry soundtrack: unfortch i continue to be kinda mixed on the film, as much as i think on a technical level it's so super cool & well-made. i do really like the soundtrack tho!! i'm kinda iffy on some of its application in the actual film, but im a hater, so what can u do lol. the actual thing DOES rip tho

==========

this whole thing makes it look like i got a lot more done this year than i feel like i did lol. i feel like i had plans up the top but they really all came out in the wash//

i read an okay amount of books, but failed to get thru any piles

i watched more tv than usual this year, and saw id say, a midtier amount of movies, but way more new movies than usual

i moved for a bit! then moved back & got a worse job lol

there was a lot of work i didnt get finished.. i have stuff ive been meaning to edition since this time last year that i still havent gone back to.. that said, i think i did get some stuff done, finally actually did some stone litho(!!!!) & had some stuff up in a show or two

who knows,,, maybe ill finally get my shit together & 2024 could be my year - people say good things about being 26 right??? 😭😭😭

#ppp #....... #1111111111 #5555555555 #lb #2023movies #year in review

[onlyjaeyun]

I sent you an ask about the Jay smau, idk if you got it, since tumblr just hasn't been sending some of my ask, I know you said you were gonna not answer one since it gave you ideas, which I know the one I sent started with something about us all sharing braincells and talked about the bff could sabotage y/n, and how Jay might respond and all once him and y/n are together. If you didn't get it, you could let me know and I'll try to resend it.

Also to reply to the other ask I sent you, I feel like NCTzens are either amazing to writers or so toxic. Like I once did an MTL that was an ask and it was who would like a thicc s/o and I put Taeyong like in the middle, and I got so much hate, someone spammed my inbox with like 40 messages saying Taeyong would never want a fatty, and they made like 10 fake accounts to comment on all of my NCT mtls to share their opinion, and I just had to delete most of my NCT MTLs and block like 20 accounts. They were so mad that I said Taeyong would probably want a an s/o that eats well, they felt the need to attack me so badly, I quit writing MTLS for NCT after that. Then I would have people in my asks complaining about me not doing them anymore, and it's just like I wonder why; you ask my opinion and then when I say Johnny would love a girl with a fat ass you attack me since it's not want you wanted me to say. I've been in a lot of fandoms, and I'm lucky most I've been don't go out of their way to attack you for a varying opinion or disliking something, but NCTzens it's just like where do you get the audacity.

I feel like they would probably think I'm some weird and be all ew p*d0 or something, but I'm just such a mom friend it's just like if you are younger than I and we are interacting, I now view you as my child nothing else; but it's just easier to avoid talking to them, since people always immediately assume the worst, which I don't blame them since there are so many weirdos on here. tbh it is, like I see no age anywhere or like even an age range, like just put 18+ or 21+, just let me know you are legal, otherwise I run the other way and hit that block button with such speed, it could rival Usain Bolt; since I just immediately assume minor that doesn't want you to know they are a minor. The same is for people who write smut about minors, when they themselves are not, even if they didn't know the age of the idol. Like I saw someone the other day that wrote Niki smut and someone messaged them saying 'he's a minor', they full on said "omg I had no idea, he looks like he's 20" and like this is why we can't have nice things, at least they deleted their stuff, but still immediate block.

the czennie fandom part: YES. i feel like czennies on here just overdo everything like calm tf down and if you dont like certain type of content just..dont read it? its honestly so sad bc they used to be my ults but i also had such bad experiences in that fandom it's heartbreaking. ive been so much more cautious and careful with what i post ever since and i feel like a lot of fellow former nct writers feel that way. its just so difficult to deal with it all bc you do it as a hobby and to kinda escape the real world and boom, hate and negativity everwhere. i'd never go back to writing for nct for that sole reason only. im so sorry you had to go through that baby, i know exactly how disheartening and demotivating that can be 💔

about the whole age thing: FULLHEARTEADLY AGREED. i think with a fandom this young its super difficult to find a good balance but im honestly glad most of us older engenes think that way and so far most younger ones have been super respectful (tho i did have to block a few minors bc they interacted with my nsfw content) i still feel a lot more comfortable than i did in other fandoms. the thing is, atp if a 05/06 liner happens to write smut about an idol the same age i just close both eyes and block them bc who am i to tell them what to do yk? yet not knowing an idols age you write for is kinda ???? nah, dont fw but deffo get your other points. also i lit felt the mom friend part so hard bc same (more like older sister friend) but im genuinely afraid creeping out younger engenes bc i dont wanna seem like im being a weirdo 😭

#; mailbox 📬

[itsfuckinganne]

a better update

it is December 28, 2022 n my year has been a big learning lesson. a lot of it, most of it, really hurt.  I chose myself a lot this year and completed my year’s resolution which is to set boundaries. I honestly dont understand why I took this long to act upon the things I want 4 myself but im not surprised. im a very stubborn person and all I do is deflect by creating a different scenario in my brain. das why ive been in this continuous cycle of getting played by the game and I jus..let it happen. I craved things that were not ready 4 me and it made me realize how I keep repeating it LMAOOO but this year I broke some serious habits and reenforced the comfortability of my space. therapy helped a lot (shout out Tina Merced, you are a very kind woman. u are one of the only people who has figured me out..) and having a positive feedback ab my decisions and how I think helps me understand myself. it felt (past tense/explain later) really good to just focus on what I plan 2 do next year. last year I just really wanted to show up 4 everyone more so I ended up acting upon emotion rather than balancing it out w/ what’s realistic. *I forgot what word 2 use in the last sentence so I went on my phone to change the song and then I remembered. I'm listening 2 defibrillator by smino* 

anyways, yeah this year I showed up for myself even if it hurt a lot to let go and I feel a lil lighter. im guilty of a lot, especially how present I am in my rlsps, and I am still for a bit more, but im doing better and those close 2 me see it. I said this all in past tense because Im a lil hurt right now, but it's just an owie. I allowed myself 2 give someone a benefit of the doubt and I feel as if they abused it a little. I know when I reread this in the future 2 reflect, I'll know exactly what im talking about. rather than feeling sad, im SO disappointed. i was feeling a lil better and I thought that would be okay, but I shouldn't disregard my accomplishments cus they're worthy of celebrating. allowing myself to forgive but just being proven right is horrible. it was a real wake up call to continue my self love journey cus I was getting some where and it was somewhere good. my best friend told me that “I know youre a good person and you do too so u dont have to give people multiple chances to prove that” and it struck hard (but 4 the better). I appreciate the transparency that I have w/ my friendships cus w/o it, I probably wouldn't b able to keep myself accountable, but I have been recently and thats why 2023 is going to be a good year. I wonder what karmic situations im going 2 be in. im not anticipating bad, but I can handle some lessons. im allowing myself 2 learn and thats my true end goal. at the end of the day, im just figuring it out. I dont think im doing that bad, but some reassurance would b amazing. I know I am worthy of everything I desire. to have, to feel, to experience. Im going 2 move forward so I can live better 4 myself. by doing that, taking this time, I can show up better. I want 2 do better, b better, all the things ive imagined myself to b. I cant believe I spent so much time settling 4 what I have cus Im constantly validated. the issues r real. I need 2 tell Tina ab this bcuz it makes so much sense. people pleasing cus nothing I ever did pleased my dad. that shit hurtsss, not gonna lie. but thats what I mean, im learning more and applying what I have 2 in my life and its working. by realizing that the pattern exists bcuz I dont rly speak or ever knew that was an issue. it hurts a bit 2 realize that someone who was a part of my life is now booted out of the next year. in pain bcuz I sat through conversations of him telling me how much he loves me, and how I cld b his polly pocket so he could take me everywhere, and how his family loves me, and all these other things and he STILL ran w/ what he wanted. honesty is the best policy and this lil set up pushed me to let go and let live. I wish I cld cry more, im purging the fuck outta this because I cannot let it repeat anymore. I also learned that some people only last so long in your life bcuz of how you coexist together. cutting ties w/ ppl you used to b family with takes a piece of you that dissipates like the rlsps thats gone. sounds dramatic, but that breakup was horrible. also, my dating life was quite the shit show. had my hinge phase, coworkers phase, toxic situation ship (two of those..at the same time but in my defense I was nvr asked 2 b a gf.), & my celibate phase. I nvr intended 2 dissect but it was rough 4 everyone I know and myself. im blessed enough 2 be surrounded by people who want whats best 4 me cus the goal is something we all agree on. 2022 you helped me show up 4 myself better. 2023 were going 2 show up better for ourselves and those around us. ive realized so much (1:11am , im sry in advance) & Ima share w/ some privacy of course. high school situationships r finally cut and I jus cant believe it but im happy 4 everyone whos living in love. realizing im the problem , speaks for itself. im officially tired. thats an update 4 ya

my fit 2day

goodnight

happy new year

[berryunho]

okay i know its already the end of january 1st but allow me to reflect on 2022 for a moment ! so ! if you want my sentimental ramblings feel free to read but LAKSJDFLKSJD

SO BASICALLY. the answer turned one year old in 2022. i started posting in april 2021. and thus she turned one in april. idk exactly what the stats were in april but i know that at the start of the year she was ~70k words and had ~3000 hits and like ~70 kudos. keep that in mind. KAJLFDKSJFJKL im really not like. a numbers person like. its motivating for sure when i know i have an audience but i dont let it get to me if things are down for whatever reason and anyways i thought that those numbers were CRAZYYYYY. like i was already out of my mind insane at the thought of so many people liking my fic and i was just so . thankful . and i still am !

but.... i felt that i was... missing something...... like ao3 is amazing and wonderful and i love it but.... i wanted more Connection! i wanted to be easier to talk to and more of a Real Person to my readers lol so i made my tumblr this year! and i waited a bit to start crossposting just bc i was such a huge chore and... i was really scared... but once i did the response was so immediate and so wonderful that i couldnt believe i didnt do it earlier !!!! like genuinely tumblr has been everything ive ever hoped for it to be and more and its so so so lovely to be here and i just !!!!! like sheesh . i had a blog long ago (like. 2014-2018.) and i just ... dont remember tumblr being like this then lol

and anyways. i feel like ive become a Real Fanfiction Writer now. like it is INSANE to me to think that there are people that look up to me like i used to look up to ff writers like .... YOU MEAN IM THAT PERSON TO SOME PEOPLE?????? I GET ANONS? I GET ASKS? REPLIES? DMS? PEOPLE WANT TO TALK TO ME ON THE MERIT THAT I CREATED SOMETHING THEY LIKE? holy moly baby. i still am so awkward w ff authors that arent my bffies bc i literally forget that i am ff authors. like i am in that crew now. KALJSDL;FKJSDLF so crazy so if you are a fellow writer reading this and we are moots and we've never spoken trust it is bc im just awkward i probably love you and your writing LKJALDSKFJLASDKJF

and like ... speaking of my bffies ... idk if theyll read this but hi if you do i cant say these things directly to you bc i have issues but. the 2 months that we have been friends have been very wonderful and i have very much loved getting to know you guys and i hope you like me bc you are STUCK w me now ! i wuv u or ... something ALKDSJFALKSDJ thank you tumblr for bringing us together KAJSDLFKJSLD

and ANYWAYS FOR REAL NOW the answer now is 144k. claps to me for doubling the length <3 and she has. 280 kudos. and 11,426 hits. and like i said. the numbers dont get me very much. what gets me is the fact that so many people have called the answer their favorite fanfic. people have complimented my writing style. people thank me for my work. people tell me that they hope im well out of the blue. people tell me that ive scared them people tell me ive made them cry people tell me their heart beats faster when they read people tell me they love my characters people tell me they love my writing and my mind and JUST ASKDLFJASDFJKLSLDFJ THAT IS WHAT GETS ME !!!! thats why i love tumblr and thats what im thankful for going into 2023 and i hope that this year i can continue to be a writer that you all love or at least enjoy and if not that ... tolerate ig ALKSDJFAKSDJ

SIGNED YOUR FAVORITE HOTTEOK (agree w me.)/AUTHOR OF THE ANSWER/BERRYUNHO/EGGYLEGGY/ lauren <3

#berryunho.txt #this is very sappy and ramble-y #but tldr thank you for being nice to me in 2022 #:] #i wuv you all

[pianostarinwonderland]

ive seen ch3 ever since its release in jp and i happen to like it (for octatrio and other reasons) so i kept watching it

azuls breakdown always made me feel so much but even now

playing through it in eng by myself i literally started crying when i saw it

perhaps it was the way his voice wavered or that i can really relate recently or that scream (atsushi tamarus so talented istg)

but i just cant help but sympathize and lrkefgkjfkdlwk sorry for ranting like this ig im just oh my god

I had to sit on these asks because I have so many words about chapter 3 and Azul's breakdown.

First of all, I'm with you guys on the "cried because of book 3". Don't be sorry for ranting to me because fuck, I can relate with this deeply. Now, I won't say I cried cried. My eyes were dry the entire time, but every time I go through that particular scene, I always feel like I can't speak afterwards or else you'll hear the tears in my voice. And it did happen actually. One time, I read chapter 3 with friends through Shel's videos, and after Azul's breakdown, when I talked, my voice was broken. My eyes were dry, but my voice was shaking. Whenever I have to read or get a screenshot from that scene, I always have to mute my phone because otherwise, I would actually get stressed. XD

So the reason why I have so many words about this is because it managed to break my heart in a way that nothing else has. I've experienced heartbreak, and I've felt hurt very often in my life. And usually, it has to be something or someone that I hold close to me that would be able to make me hurt or break. Even when watching a movie or reading a book, I need to have developed a liking to someone to feel the pain of seeing them at their lowest. What's more is that I really don't cry. It takes so much to get me to cry.

Back when Octavinelle chapter's final part came out in JP, I didn't hold an attachment or any sort of liking to Azul at all. Heck, in fact, I wanted to see how he would be defeated because I wanted him to be defeated at his own game. I just thought, "Oh, I don't think he hurt me. Leona's emotional scene was meh, and as much as I respect Hanae, Riddle's crying made me want to laugh."

I was wrong. Dead wrong.

The fandom loves to meme "MOU YADDA", and it's really funny to see. 😂 No matter what language people speak, everyone gets amused by his scream, and it's beautiful. But I would be a liar if I said that that same scream was not what caused my heart to break. And I almost cried, damn it. I didn't like Azul then, so why did I want to cry? There was something in that scream, something in the way that he broke down, that made me angry at Leona, made me wish Azul didn't have to go through that, that made me want to clutch my chest as my tears finally pour out of my eyes and my voice goes hoarse from sobbing. When translations came out the day after Octavinelle concluded, reading the text was no less painful. The whole time, I was just saying, "Please God, please make it stop. Please make this stop." I do admit that I said that partly because I like being dramatic, but I also know that there was a reason why that was the first thing I wanted to say.

Frankly, my unique reaction to Azul's breakdown really got me to think about why. Why did I feel that way? And eventually, I realized. Without going personal, I realized that it was through that scene that Azul managed to reach into the inner child of myself that was still hurting from certain wounds. Azul didn't break me—I was already broken. But he just showed me the cracks and bruises that I long forgotten, that I long hid away from myself. It was like that inner child was crying, yet nobody heard them until Azul did, found them, and comforted them. It's really funny, Azul isn't real, and yet, without realizing, he granted some of my deepest wishes. 😂

I think that's what I find amazing about Azul. A lot of people can relate to him: the bullying, the discrimination, so many other things. It's not to say that I haven't heard others say, "Oh I relate to him." when they talk about the other OB boys or what. But for some reason, or maybe it's because I know way too many Octavinelle stans XD, when talking about Azul's backstory, people will almost always say that they relate to him, or if not, his backstory stirred something in them. Call it love, embarrassment, dislike, but damn, he made people feel something. And it's what I always love to hear whenever people discuss Azul and his breakdown in chapter 3.

#twisted wonderland #twst #azul ashengrotto #ask

[inkykeiji]

you dont have to reply to this if this is too personal a question! but would you consider your childhood + upbringing more toxic than others? my dad also has addictions along with a mental health diagnoses and its hard to talk about it to people, even my friends, who think addiction is like the show Euphoria (this show on hbo) but like some parts of youre writing is like a mirror image of situations ive been in with my family! it just feels real reading your stuff in an amazing way

tw: trauma + clari overshares!

absolutely, 100%. my father was and still is extremely abusive on top of all of his other issues, and my mother also has a severe mental illness. my house was constant turmoil and i used to cry when the school day would end because i didn’t want to go home. it was extremely unstable and i grew up walking on eggshells trying not to trigger one or both of my parents, as well as acted as an emotional punching bag often. i had to do things and witness things no child should ever have to go through, and i cannot express to you how utterly alone i felt, growing up in a small town where it seemed as though everyone else had these wonderful home lives and loving parents and just an overall great childhood. none of my friends understood anything and for a long time, when i was very young, i couldn’t figure out why everything was so much worse at my house than it was for anyone else around me.

so i totally and completely understand where you’re coming from. it’s really rough and it feels incredibly isolating. even now, i don’t have any in real life friends who can understand even in the slightest what i had to go through as a child, and while they’re fantastic listeners and so sweet and so sympathetic, they cannot and will never get it (and i’m glad about that obv! i’d never wish what i went through as a kid on anyone). please know that you are not at all alone in feeling like no one else can truly understand.

i’m so happy and so grateful that i have this little community where i can share some of my work and provide comfort or catharsis or whatever they need etc for people like me, whether they experienced trauma as children or as adults or both. that’s so so special to me and it genuinely means the whole world to me <3 it makes me feel less alone and it brings me a ton of comfort!! so thank you for sharing this with me!!! i’m so sorry you’ve had to go through similar experiences :(( we did and do deserve so so so much better.

i am sending you bunches and bunches of love anon!!! <333 please take good care of yourself <3

#yeah it sucked so bad #also omg do you ever like #get triggered or overly upset when people are all ‘oh i wish i could go back to my childhood’ or reminisce about it????? #i hate feeling so fucking bitter about it because again i would never wish it upon anyone #but i guess i just mourn and weep for the little girl i was #i’m upset she didn’t get the happy childhood she deserved #i’m upset she was taken advantage of #i’m upset she suffered *so much* #my therapist says it’s good to mourn the childhood i never had so #i try to do that hahaha #definitely think it contributes at least a lil to my uhhhh childlike tendencies #not that anyone needs childhood trauma to justify that of course #people of all ages are allowed to enjoy cute stuff like stuffies etc and anyone who tells you otherwise is an asshole #buT ANYWAY #i’m rambling now hehe #the point is: you are not alone #i know how tough it is and how incredibly difficult it feels #and i’m sorry you’re feeling so isolated #but please just know you are not alone #i am giving u a biiiig hug!!!! #please enjoy ur night bb n drink some water!! stay safe!!! #inky.bb #clari gets mail #clari overshares

[shushthisaintmytumbla]

I guess its the Summer Solstice so here we are again! 6/21/23

Wow I knew I neglected my last pot but here we are back even later than the last one! Like i say everytime it is wild to see how much has changed in my life the past couple of years. Ups down and everything in between I come back to this spot everytime and see the growth I’ve made. All by myself. All for myself. I cant always see it but moments where I read back on the past I am brought right back to those moments and never lose sight of how I felt in the past. 

I keep seeing on TikTok that today is a Summer Solstice meaning it is a great opportunity for manifestations so lets try this out why not! I guess I’ll start by giving a quick synopsyis of my life from the past 10 months or however long (wow sorry I abandoned this for that long!!!!)

Lets start with Work. I am still at the same OI job and feel like I have grown sooo much. I cant say im perfect at my job, but I know I have made a shit load of progress that i’m very proud of. I shifted off of working with my mngr which has made the biggest impact on my happiness at the job. I was going from having weekly panic attacks to not even having to review a single email anymore. I am really proud of myself for treading through the mud and getting to the point where I am at now. Now for the manifestation segment. I am going to get a promotion soon. This SUMMER! I FEEL IT. I am such a hard worker and really have gained the experience to move up in the company. I am confident it will happen in the next couple months. I cant wait to come back here and tell you all about it. It will be my first real promotion at a job which is something that I’ve really wanted to achieve since I havent gotten to this point at any of my previous jobs. You got this Case. 

Now for relationships. Tricky subject and yep you guessed it D is still around. I have tested a coupe other relationships with E and A and C... but somehow D makes it through the motions of every single season. I do want to touch on E for a sec. I have grown to build an amazing relationship with him, but I havent seen him for a few weeks and I feel like the relationship is starting to fade. Im sick of getting 100% and then a week later not even 1%. I am fully aware it has nothing to do with me and more so his own struggles, but I do need to realize at the end of the day that its ok to want more from someone and he cant give me what I need as much as hes shown me how I can be treated in a healthy way. He’s the boy Ive always dreamt of how someone can treat/care for you, but this story just isnt ours at this point in time. Who knows what the future holds. Now D. Oh boy. As we all know its been a fucking roller coaster. I have felt the highest of highs w him and the lowest of lows. I do hold love for him (but not so sure ive ever been in love... idk what that even is lmao). We’ve gotten to a point where I feel like I have been holding my power for quite some time now. I don’t have the same anxieties as I had for him in the past and i don’t prioritize him over others. We’ve tried not speaking (jan 2023) for a couple weeks and ultimately he just came back and I allowed it. I cant cut him out of it killed me. It’s so fucking hard. I am working on figuring out his place in my life and how we can carry on without hurt, but I feel like I am slowy falling back in the trap/cycle. We had a really nice day together the other weekend and I felt those anxious attachment feelings creeping in... I need to remember the things that have happened and try to prepare for the worst, but is it crazy to say that what if we are meant for each other? The other day I was able to imagine being in a relationship with him and it shocked me how I felt so good the whole day. Idk prob the worst thought ever but.. idk.. why are we magents to each other? Lastly I wanna touch on friendships and new york life. My friends here are still the same (but Karina now lives in Miami) and I love them so much, but I’ve been feeling myself longing for my relationships in LA. There are many weekends where my friends here are out of town and I feel left alone many times. In LA I would have the comfort of my family when friends arent around, but theyre 100s of miles away from me. I really miss them so fucking much it hurts. I think the longer I am away the more and more I realize how special my family is. I especially feel bad being away from my mom. She asks me nearly everytime we talk when I’ll come back and little does she know I’ve been toying with the idea of returning once my lease is up. If not that I think I have 1 year left in me. It still shocks me to say it and feel confident in that, but I really miss my family. Thats truly the only thing pulling me back bc I love this city and who I have become here so damn much. Im not putting too much pressure on the decision as I still have 10 months on my lease, but it is in the back of my mind. I feel like I’ll lead myself to the right choice soon though. So much would change though. I told D the other day about the idea and he said he would be so sad which kinda surprised me. It would be the end for us if I did move back which im not sure is a good or bad thing. Sometimes I tell myself the love of my life is not here and I wont meet them till I move back lol. Im not sure where the future is gonna bring me, but im confident in myself to do what is right for me. Leaving my friends here would also be horrible, but at the end of the day if they are the friendships I believe them to be, we will still be as close as ever and planes exist!! I guess thats kinda it for now. But this is still the start to an amazing summer with so much fun in store I can feel it!!! I have a trip to the shore coming up next weekend and then im going back home for my bday end of july - aug. Later in the summer I am going to portugal with my family!!! and something BIIGGGG is gonna happen in the fam :o Cant write it in words here till it happens. Until then, I love you. Im proud of you. and life is always working out in my favor. <3  Love,

C