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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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“How your child treats you will not determine how they treat the rest of the world. Instead, how you treat your child will determine how they treat the rest of the world and themselves.” J. Milburn⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ We are their safe place. Children don’t typically act the same with other authority figures, as they do with their parents. There is a connection and trust there that allows them to feel safe enough to crumble into our arms. They throw dirt at us because they know we are the only one’s who care to know what’s hidden in the debris. Disrespectful behaviour is usually misunderstood behaviour. It’s usually communication. It’s not a character defining moment when your child is emotionally dysregulated. We all become dysregulated at times. It’s important to normalize those feelings and model how to process emotions and offer grace. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I discuss this further in my latest e-book 👇⁣⁣ ⁣ Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation⁣ ⁣ Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com⁣ ⁣ #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/Cg2Zz38p298/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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“Mess is my biggest trigger. How am I supposed to avoid that with 3 kids?” You can’t! That’s why we’re learning skills to process the triggers we can’t avoid like mess, whining, crying, disobedience, etc. Parenting brings up triggers that we can’t avoid, such as mess. I think the impulse for many is to resolve this trigger by constantly trying to keep things clean. The thing is, this often suppresses the feeling and perpetuates the cycle of frustration and anxiety. Let’s look at some of the very valid reasons why mess can be overwhelming. - Reflection of your worthiness as a parent/partner - Feel overwhelmed by too much clutter - Feel unappreciated - Feel unsupported - Sensory overload - Feeling disorganized - Feel like all the house work is your responsibility - Feel like others don’t respect the space the way you do - Feel tired with the constant work So all of these are very valid reasons to feel triggered. Now with a trigger like this, we are not INVALIDATING. We are validating the emotions. So instead of trying to talk yourself out of these feelings, your going to validate them. Why? Because YOUR TRIGGER IS VALID!! Once you’ve validated yourself, you can self-regulate and once your are self-regulated, you can think about how you want to deal with the situation. Learn more about this in my latest E 📖 Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/Cgz-TVkv7Yu/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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If I don’t want my child to speak to me in a certain way (tone, language, attitude) then I need to be mindful not to talk to them in that way.⁣ ⁣ Nothing more humbling then when your child says something horribly rude to you and you recognize your own voice in there 🤦‍♀️ Easy to go down a shame spiral… Take a deep breath. We can reflect on this. For one thing, it happens to most parents. We’re not perfect and in our moments of passion and reactivity we can act in ways that are not in line with our parenting intentions and are also super memorable for our children. ⁣ ⁣ 5 things to keep in mind:⁣ 1. If you manage to refrain from using whatever phrase or gesture, for a while, your child will likely stop using it too.⁣ 2. Your child saying or doing this “rude” thing is not something to worry about long term. I know an f-bomb dropped at the park can be mortifying but think of how you would take it as another parent. I personally would be trying not laugh and would likely laugh about it later, so no judgement from the parents you should actually want to be friends with and nevermind the others. ⁣ 3. Your child using the phrase or gesture is a way of them processing the experience. It’s actually healthy, from a psychological perspective because they are working through it, experimenting with what type of response they will get; “how does this work for me?” ⁣ 4. They also love and admire you so if you did it, it must be ok to do, right? You can try to explain this but it can often get confusing for kids, we get lost in trying to explain ourselves in an adult way lol⁣ 5. Try not to react or just react to the emotions and not the “rude” behaviour “wow, you sound frustrated!” ⁣ @responsive_parenting⁣ ⁣ Learn more about this in my latest E 📖 Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood https://www.instagram.com/p/CePr3fioeNj/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#responsiveparenting #jmilburn #parentmentalhealth #maternalmentalhealth #postpartum #mensmentalhealth #parentinglife #healingjourney #gentleparenting #attachmentparenting #attachment #attachmenttheory #parenthood #selfhealing #selfcompassion #earlychildhood

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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Simply telling a child “you can say no” is not as effective in teaching them how to say no as actually being ok with them saying no to you.⁣ ⁣ We have to actually get comfortable with our children saying “no” to us, for them to feel safe saying “no” to others.⁣ ⁣ Not all the time… not every moment…. but sometimes. We certainly need to try and not demonize a child who does say “no” with confidence. Praise your child’s “no’s” more than their “yes’s.” ⁣ ⁣ The pushing back against another’s commands and asserting one’s own voice is learned best in a safe place with unconditional love and acceptance. We hope our home is that place for our children. If they do not feel safe to say no to us, then they may struggle to say “no” to others when they really need to; predators, peer influences, etc.⁣ ⁣ Secure attachment is the bi-product of a relationship built on trust.⁣ ⁣ Learn more about how building trust through secure attachment with my latest E 📖 👇⁣ Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness (at Halifax, Nova Scotia) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cd9RsPHrkui/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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Parent: My child is not interested in breathing exercises when they are mad. Me: Have you tried practicing self-regulation exercises during times of calm? Parent: Why? Me: Well each time we do something new it creates a pathway in our brains. Every time we repeat the action the pathway becomes a little more worn and easier to go down. When our brain is dysregulated, it is almost impossible to make new pathways so we always do what we have done before because our brain is using all it’s energy on being dysregulated. If we practice these breathing exercises during calm times, we create those pathways, in advance and we are more likely to be able to go down them when we are dysregulated because it’s not a new pathway. Especially if these can be positive experiences, connecting experiences. When you do these exercises together, there is an element of attachment that they can also tap into with the exercises. They are special and give a sense of comfort because it’s something you have done together. Learn more about this in my latest E 📖 Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/CfJVIeSgXJC/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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“We can teach emotional intelligence and awareness without correction. It just sounds very different from what we’ve been doing this whole time.” J. Milburn Example: Change “Don’t use that tone with me.” To “You sound frustrated, can I help?” Want to learn information that will actually help you understand your child’s emotions and your own? Get my latest e-book. You will learn so many things they never taught you in school, about how emotions impact our behaviour and how to harness the power of the vagus nerve. Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/CeoR1pXrAFP/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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It’s ok for our children to see us experiencing sad emotions. It’s not ok if we make it their job to fix these emotions. Building Resilience With Emotional Intelligence I write a lot about being honest with your children about your emotions. I believe if children see the people they trust experiencing the same emotions they do at times, they may feel like emotions are safe and a healthy part of a full life. In response to this suggestion, I often have people confused with the balance between being authentic and being emotionally dependent on their child. Little excerpt from my latest e-book 👇 Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/Cd3b8iZLoTU/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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I wrote this many years ago and thought the detailed explanation may be helpful. I also find that this method is not very necessary in our home anymore so it should be used only when you are unable to guide them in other ways. How do YOU feel about this approach? That is the most important question❤️ Want to learn more about how to negotiate life with toddlers? Get the Toddler Workshop Series to learn everything about toddlers. And how to practice Responsive Parenting through all the changes and challenges of toddlerhood, such as tantrums, autonomy, egocentric view point, sleeping, toileting, weaning, “YES” spaces and managing our own emotional triggers: https://responsive-parenting.myshopify.com/a/bundles/surviving-toddlerhood-discount-1v6u Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning https://www.instagram.com/p/Cg22n7RLliv/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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“So you just let kids do whatever they want? Isn’t that permissive parenting?” One of the most asked questions…. We respond to behaviours that need to be corrected for safety or respect of others, while being mindful not to try and correct behaviours that don’t need correcting. At the same time, “correcting” a behaviour is never done through punishment, shame or manipulation. The “correction” is done through love and empathy. A lot of people feel like if you don’t punish children to correct behaviours, they’ll just keep doing them but this assumption is not true for a child with secure attachment. They feel like their parent is helping them to stay safe and healthy. When we “correct” behaviour with love, and not unnecessarily, children see us as someone who supports their needs. They often don’t realize this until middle childhood, since toddlers think everyone sees the world as they do. I will tell you as the parent of an 8 yo who has never really been punished for their behaviour, that it really does build a foundation of trust. My first, our 8 yo, is extremely trustworthy and honest. We have not been the perfect parents with our first. Parenting was a challenge, for me especially. My child has been yelled at and made to feel shame about things. I regret that I let my triggers hurt them. But overall, I have been a safe place for them. I tell you this part to let you know, it’s not about perfection, it’s about connection. Coercive Parenting vs. Responsive Parenting CP uses fear as a motivator. RP uses connection and empathy as a motivator. Get the Toddler Workshop Series to start this process early… usually the first time we are tempted to use coercion. Link in bio @responsive_parenting #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #Toddlers #PeacefulParenting #HoldingSpace #EmpathyMatters #BreakingGenerationalCurses #BreakingToxicCycles #ToddlerLife #ToddlerWorkshop #ChildLedLearning #ChildLed #Parenthood #Compassion #Motherhood #Parents #ParentLife #DadLife #Children #MumLife #Kid #Fatherhood #BeTheChange #Kindness #KidLife #Childhood #Kids #RealTalk #Childrens https://www.instagram.com/p/Cg1gmjQALKt/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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If you don’t understand the value of co-regulation in the process of developing secure attachment, it may feel….⁣⁣ - Inconvenient⁣⁣ - Uncomfortable⁣⁣ - Unnatural⁣⁣ - Permissive⁣⁣ - Ineffective⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Lean into those feelings and ask yourself “why does this feel so wrong to me?” and “When did I learn that too much love is wrong?”⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Learn more about this in my latest E 📖 ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/CgztkomJxUl/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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You can reduce your child’s need to yell, by making sure they feel heard… How? With connection and co-regulation. Learn more about this in my latest E 📖 Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/CgzfkXPrLan/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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Why is Self-Regulation Hard Sometimes? Changing our thoughts and behaviours, especially as adults, can be really hard. Our brains are hardwired (in comparison to the neuroplasticity of our brains in childhood) to react the way we have been all these years. Changing those behavioural patterns are possible but also challenging and takes time. This can be so frustrating as a parent. This is a little excerpt from the bonus section of my latest e-book…. Finding Your Calm: Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/Cgy9-ZbgolW/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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From self-criticism to grace I have been able to reduce my yelling significantly, in the past few months. I have done this before and then something happens (in my life) and I tend to fall away from my peaceful intentions, more often. Now when I do yell, I can see my children’s energy change immediately. It’s so obvious, when it’s less often, that I find it catches me…. It stops me in my tracks and says “oh yeah, take a deep breathe and share your calm. This never helps.” Now… I’ve also done this before but you know what was missing? Grace…. I would go straight from anger towards my children to anger with myself for using a tone that visibly hurt my child. I mean that’s a painful thing to bare witness to. The problem is, anger just fuels more anger. So I would flip-flop between anger with myself and anger with them…. None of which calmed anyone down. But now when I notice that harsh tone coming and I see those little eyes look up at me in fear… I am able to stop. Just stop for a minute. Take a deep breathe and simply focus on calm. Once I’ve taken a few breathes and become conscious of my dysregulation, I give myself grace. Learn more about how to hold space for your child and yourself in my latest E 📖 👇 Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/Cgwms_SrWWA/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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“My child screams all the time. Are you saying just to put up with it?” No matter how the message is sent, it is in our child’s best interest to try and receive it and understand it. Children who are stuck in a cycle of yelling, every time they feel an injustice, likely are not feeling heard and may feel a lack of autonomy and empathy. There is always a reason a child seems to be yelling more often (especially in anger). Sometimes it’s not that obvious. You can reduce your child’s need to yell through connection and co-regulation. Learn more about this in my latest E 📖 Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/CguV4BWrQR3/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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Whenever I notice that one of my children’s behaviours is a trigger for me, I start with me. I look inside to see why I feel triggered. I respond to that feeling of being triggered and THEN I try and figure out what need they are trying to meet. You may think this is choosing myself over my child. I would have thought this before too but actually, I’ve realized, overtime, that when I try to understand my child’s needs, while triggered, I see things differently than I do when I am regulated. So in order to meet my child’s needs… in order to really hear what they are trying to say, I need to respond to my trigger first. Or else, they will not get what they need from me and I very likely will escalate the situation instead, despite every effort to appear calm. Learn more about how to do this in my latest E 📖 Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/Cgt1eCvgHD8/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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responsiveparenting · 2 years

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Your child needs to be able to tell you how they feel, using the tone that expresses that emotion, even if you find that triggering. Recognizing our triggers is only the first step. The next step is learning how to process triggers. How to sit in that discomfort. Especially when our child’s typical behaviour or tone is a trigger. It’s not their job not to trigger us, it’s our job to find ways to be ok with being triggered. Learn more about how to do this in my latest E 📖 Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/Cgr-D5lAKCn/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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