#just scared myself while driving

[lovelyblep]

There’s nothing like real lofe to recalibrate your danger-meter

Like oh yeah! Yeah! That WAS life or death! Did you get that, anxiety? This is what you’re meant to warn me about!

#rambles #im fine btw #just scared myself while driving #makes awkward interaction look so meaningless

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

if dorian didn't show up, do you think louis would have shot minnie?

I do. I know some people think either he wouldn't have or he would've missed so that's why the writers had him shoot Dorian instead, but mmmmmm no, I don't personally think so. I like to think that if he had taken the shot, his shaky hands would've caused him to shoot her fatally.

Mostly because I'm already so normal about the fact that of the Ericson crew, Marlon and Louis are the only ones with a body count. Well, that we know of, but shown to us in the game, at least. Plus, we know it's Louis' first kill.

Like yeah, Clementine and AJ become part of the crew and they have bigger body counts, and if we're counting indirect kills caused by actions, then Tenn has a count... and I guess everyone has blood on their hands for blowing up the boat... but I'm talking about killed directly with a weapon like....... I lied, I'm not normal about that at all, Louis and Marlon are the ones who have killed someone in Louis' route. I'm also not normal about the fact that Louis kills Dorian and then even as he's clearly in shock, he tries to go with Clementine to get AJ, and then later on when they talk about it, he says it feels like bile but not quite and he's glad he has it in him to do it.... listen, listen, listen... I'm obsessed with that.

Anyway, so if Louis shot Minerva, I think he would've accidentally killed her and can you imagine? He's already enough of a mess after killing the woman who pinned him down and tried to cut his finger off [or succeeded] but he knew Minerva, they were friends before the twins were taken. Even Violet couldn't kill her even though that would've been the smarter thing to do, and we know thanks to meta knowledge that killing her would've saved lives, but Violet couldn't, and I don't think Louis would intentionally either.

Speaking of Violet, if Louis killed Minerva, I hate to think about what that would've done to Vi. I think she might've actually left at that point, like what was planned before it got changed to her being burned. I don't think she would've attacked Louis over it, though, like yeah she attacked Clementine in the cell but Louis? I don't know, but I don't think so just because it's Louis and he'd be a mess about it anyway.

Though if he did kill her, it would be a neat parallel to draw... y'know, because Louis forgave AJ for killing Marlon even though he was pissed and heartbroken, and Violet was annoyed with him the entire time... but could she ever forgive Louis for killing Minerva? Y'know? We already have a similar parallel with AJ shooting Tenn, but still.

If Clementine killed Minerva in that moment, though, then I could see Violet attacking her since in her eyes, Clem proved her right.

So yeah, I get why they added the Dorian kill to his route. It adds another compelling element to Louis as a character, but we also need Minerva alive for episode 4; Louis can't kill her, he can't miss, and he's not going to stay with her because we need Violet to stay on the boat and him to be on shore for all routes.

#asks #twdg louis #twdg minerva #twdg clementine #twdg violet #twdg marlon #twdg tenn #honestly whenever i see someone say louis is the boring option i'm just like '.......that's your opinion but also how can you say that??' #then again i'm sure other people look at me saying violentine just isn't for me and they say the same thing so y'know... i can't talk haha #also time is such a weird thing because i look at the entire cell scene in louis' route and like... i'm not even mad about violet anymore #like yeah i still don't believe she was brainwashed like i'm sorry y'all only believe that because kent said something about it #not because there's all this evidence toward it in game like vi being pissed at clementine makes sense she doesn't need to be brainwashed #for it to work like her being vulnerable and easily manipulated into submission makes perfect sense especially with minerva there #it's like everyone was pissed that she attacked clementine and people needed a way to excuse it so it's not violet's fault when like... #that's literally what makes it interesting like calm down it's okay if violet is pissed and scared and behaves accordingly #also my controversial opinion of the day that i'll hide here in the tags so maybe people won't find it sksksk but #I personally find the concept of vinerva and the doomed tragedy of it more compelling than anything violentine did #like i'll defend violentine and i do believe it's an important and good ship it's just not my personal favorite #anyway but then the whole thing with lilly and minerva is so good and louis screaming FUCK YOU at minerva?? amazing love it so good #i love when the soft character who never chooses violence is so pissed off that all that anger they have boils to the surface and it's raw #like... he's SO mad he's SO furious he's SOOO UPSET like he wasn't even like this when marlon died or anything like he hit his limit #and then shooting dorian through the mouth while an accident is just well done i love it and i love his reaction of mortification #and apologizing and YET he still tries to go with clementine he's trembling and can barely string together a sentence but he wants to go #he wants to help her he wants to save aj THAT is the gut reaction he has after everything that just went down #'louis isn't loyal or good for clem because of the vote' babe tell me you don't understand any nuance of louis' character without telling m #it's fine IT'S FINE you don't have to agree and i just have to remind myself that it's fine not everyone likes louis we're okay #this drives me crazy in the best way like y'know what? i love the cells scene in louis' route all of it even the stuff i used to rant about #even the stuff that used to piss me off now i'm just like 'no wait past cj was dumb she wasn't looking at it this way aaaaaaaa' sksksks #that was my tag ted talk about the cell scene thank you

[princekirijo]

Finally graduated haha let's go 🥹

#im scheduling this when the ceremony is over just cause #but yeah um wow. can't believe it actually #desperately trying not to cry while typing this haha thing hasn't even started #but i think this is the first time in a while i genuinely feel proud of myself. like fuck me i did it #4 years was a wild ride but here i am!! and yeah im scared about the future but rn im just here with my paper #i also realized that yeah ive been on Tumblr as long as ive been in uni #which is crazy can't believe ive been on here for 4 years (roughly) #but for all the shit that i dislike about this site and as much as it drives me nuts #i do wanna say ive met some wonderful people on here! ive made some friends 🥹 #and yeah i haven't kept up with all of them something im so so guilty about #but i wouldn't be where i am without this blog like unironically #so yeah thank you gay people in my phone you've helped me a lot. more than i care to admit #hope y'all have a great day <33 #thanks for reading my sappy ass tags on Tumblr 😅

[hobisexually]

I feel so, so old but also so, so young and it’s starting to freak me out

#Not to get too existential but. #32 is hitting me harder than 30 for some reason? #(the reason being work being awful and feeling like everything I fought for was. fruitless? So what now?) #and time keeps running out and I keep losing things and people #my brain keeps yelling TOO SLOW TOO LATE TOO NOTHING all the time #they took my drive away from me and broke my spirit a little bit and now I’m just. scared and sad and angry all the time #and I don’t even have the faith in myself to go apply somewhere else because I’m convinced I can’t. they really fucking broke me #and if I don’t have work. #what do I have #it was the (1) thing I thought was going well and now that isn’t so what the fuck else do I have #I can’t buy a house I’ve never had a relationship my whole body is fucked #I still didn’t write a book #I can’t keep up with my coworkers I can’t keep up with my same age/older friends I keep just. walking with blocks on my legs while everyone #else is running marathons and finishing them #not to be a stereotypical ambitious workaholic Capricorn bitch but #what the fuck else am I #you know?

[cherryview]

!!!!

#i want to write this here… i am not a religious person… but after i had just moved and when i was depressed…which I was often then #less so these days… #i drove myself to get ice cream and i prayed along the way that i had made the right decision #to move out and start a new life and find this job #and i cried for a long while which i also seemed to do a lot then #and while i was driving back home i prayed… and i think i pray just in case someone is listening … just so they can’t say i never tried #at least someone might be listening to me #i asked god if they could show me a deer… which is a really stupid sign to ask for because i had never seen a deer close up #and i knew in my mind that i didn’t mean some vague outline of a deer on the horizon or some painting of a deer #and i don’t know why i asked for a deer at all #but i did and i had just gotten my license two months prior for this job… and i was driving on a street that was without anyone else… #which was really unusual for this tourist town in the summer but i was crying and driving and praying and it was dusk #and a deer wandered into the road…. just feet within me… and i wasn’t scared… i slowed down and I’m not sure how much time passed #but i cried and looked and wondered if i was so mentally ill i was hallucinating before the deer hobbled off to the field #and even if it’s stupid and highly conincidental… it made me feel better… and i think god is more of a whisper of hope that things will #change… and as the winter grows long… i am hungry for another sign that i am okay #i miss how simple life could be and I miss you

[that-angry-noldo]

we have a saying in ukrainian, "горить сарай - гори і хата", which basically translates to "if the stalls are burning, let the house burn too", and if it doesn't describe my attitude towards school perfectly.

#i've became so apathetic towards school it should probably scare me #but i just can't force myself to care #i don't see the results of my work #the time spent studying rarely pays off #some professors are more and more demanding #i wake up at 6 am every day and it's slowly killing me #i'm just so tired constantly #i also got stuck on my original wip and its driving me insane #i feel i'm spending too much time on my phone while i should be doing productive things but i don't have energy nor resources for them #teachers say i can do better academically if i just push a little mire but i don't want to #i don't see the point #i just want to curl up in a ball and sleep #and adults say 'oh you should be grateful for these years when you become an adult you'd dream about returning to high school' #good sir if i'm gonna miss this i don't want to be an adult #sorry for rant. #to delete

[pepprs]

#to translate this post: someone liked this post i made (on the upper left) on AUGUST 28 having a moment of self awareness that i was running #away from my whole life and not moving or learni ng to drive or anything. it is now march 8. it has been almost 7 months. and i have made #basically zero progress. and there is nothing stopping me but me. i could read the drivers manual and whatever whenever i want. but i am not #doing anything. and i don’t know how to get myself to start. #purrs #i know it’s a cop out excuse but i truly do think it’s covid. i think being in lockdown for a year and a half made me just let go of any #sense of progress. made me scared to take steps forward. and i mean i did bc i lived on campus for a while after that but it’s like.. EVERY #part of my life is stagnant rn it seems. and it’s not just me it’s my siblings too. we’re all getting older but none of us is trying to move #out or gain our independence in any way and my brother isn’t even looking for jobs even though he needs one. we’re all just getting older #but we’ve lost (or maybe had knocked out of us by covid and our mom being so strict) any sense of moving ipward and spreading our wings. #forgotten we have wings at all. and ive done important things like going on a house tour or traveling with my besties (<3). but i have only #made it to page 8 of the drivers manual and i truly do not want to read the rest of it. i have only been on one house tour and im longing to #move out but how much am i really because i can’t bring myself to schedule another tour and start searching for a new home in earnest. #i just come home every day UTTERLY exhausted and spend all my free time trying to process or rest. and im not making room for myself to use #my wings. and it’s truly terrible. why are we all okay with living like this. my younger self would be HORRIFIED if she saw how much i had a #atrophied since graduating and moving back home. my brighton self would be HORRIFIED. i told myself i wouldn’t and then it’s exactly what i #did. and ik im being harsh and ive spread my wings in some important ways during this time but… these are so obvious. such low hanging #fruit in some ways. bc any 16 year old can take this test and pass it so why can’t i at 24? why won’t i let myself? dont i want a nice cozy #home i make my own where i can eat what i want and sleep when i want and have control over sounds? then why am i not running for it? #delete later #i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 my one precious life 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 #also LMFAOOOOO the next tag on that aug 28 post was that i need to get a new campus id card… guess who hasn’t done that either ♥️

[karlrose]

I have a bingeing problem.

If I like something, I will binge on it.

I like a show, I will binge that show.

I like a food, I will eat nothing but that food until It makes me sick.

I like a drink, I will drink nothing else ever again (Dr. Pepper. I have a Dr. Pepper problem. I would replace my blood with it if it wouldn't immediately result in my death)

I like a song, I will binge all their music.

I like your art, I will binge that art.

I like your blog, I will binge scroll until I reach the bottom.

#i have an overindulgent personality #I used to drink nothing but coffee but I got sick because it was summer in Georgia and I was drinking hot coffee #the hole I burned into my stomach lining from drinking coffee was the final straw though #the school nurse thought it was appendicitis but it was just an irresponsible amount of coffee #actually as I'm typing this I realize it wasn't the hospital scare #I stopped drinking coffee because I got pregnant #I can risk MY life with my bad habits but I couldn't put my baby's life at risk #that would be incredibly irresponsible #other people thank their moms for the gift of life #I thank my kids for the fact that I'm still alive #I thank my mom for nothing except my insecurities and eating disorders #she was a coldhearted bitch who drank screwdrivers while driving with us in the car #And she never hugged me #or told me anything nice about myself #Now I'm overly affectionate and supportive of my kids to the point that they get annoyed with my love #BUT YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW SMART AND BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED AND AMAZING YOU ARE AND HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE DAMN IT!!! #I think I binge things the way I do because of my mommy issues #anything to fill the whole in my heart that should have been filled with her love #therapy has been going well...

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ok. ok. in less than 8hrs i have to get up and drive to the airport. and thats ya kno but im trying to b ok abt it #like im not crying and hyperventilating. ive made the drive lots of times. its just. when i have to drive anywhere it morphs into #r u ready? ur gonna cause a horrible accident destroying multiple lives in the process. r u ready? and im like no i hate that stop #so that makes it hard. and im not a bad driver. it just terrifies me thst i space out and become non reactive. like thsts not good. be #reactive pls. i just hate it. and this means i also have to drive back as well. while probably horribly jet lagged #bleh. itll b fine. unless it isnt. but itll b fine. im just scared that something will happen and i wont b able to leave. i cant even b #excited abt going on vacation bc i cant think past the possibility of something preventing me from getting to ohio bc if i let myself get #excited then it wont happen. which is magical thinking nonsense but its how it feels. ugh. dont think abt it. itll be over in 24hrs 🤞 #knock on wood. idk what im gonna do while traveling tho. what am i gonna think abt? what to draw? what to plan? idk #the bad part of traveling is thst i cant take all my markers 😫 me and my 500 shitty alcohol pens lol #ill either draw a lot bc im not working or very little bc ill actually be happy for a while #oh god. my boss just sent an email. i wanna ignore it. let me rest. #bleh. last time i flew home i wanted to cry when i landed lol. well see if that happens again #i feel like i was more depressed then but im more fucked up now. but like im also more functional. well. sorta #ugh. i should finish packing #unrelated #its so funny to me when i get homesick like lol bitch u wanna go back to ohio????

[d1anna]

i love having the weirdest dreams napping on the couch

#not really but #my first dream i started to lucid dream while we were walking through a parking lot #i started to fly and the dream was glitching as i realized i was dreaming and it kind of freaked me out so i just forced myself to wake up #but then the second dream was also weird #my parents and i were driving through the old rich side of town at night and we pulled into the parking lot of this bed and breakfast place #and we got out and it seemed normal albeit dark to me but my mom seemed scared and kept telling my dad she heard someone laughing #we got up to our room and my dad went to go do something so it was just me and my mom #we were also rooming with this guy for some reason but he was nice #i was just sitting on a chair and the guy was walking to the door when suddenly the door opened and he was like who’s there #and the person at the door was silent for a bit before closing it really quickly and saying sorry #the guy was like uhh 🤷‍♀️ idk what just happened my #and my mom was like go shut the door but when i went to shut it it had all of these contraptions and mechanisms #it was strange and then my dad was like let me back in and so i did and he talked to my mom for a bit about the strange things going on #he said the old owner liked to collect antiques and stuff and he thinks the place is haunted #my mom was like well i told you that i heard laughing in the parking lot #then guy that we were sharing the room with comes out of his room with bandages all over his face and i’m like what #my mom says something to him and then another guy (the same guy from before) comes out looking just like him just without bandages #and my mom is like i can help and i was like what #the guy takes off his bandages and he’s like it’s my teeth #but also side note i was weirdly struck by how handsome he was for an older man #but then my dream decided to focus on my mom like twisting and fixing his teeth into the right place #weirdly enough i wasn’t freaked out by it but it was just interesting #anyway that’s my dream i need to stop napping on that couch #dianna.moon

[born-to-lose]

Not my mom saying I can tame old men 😭

#found out my old driving instructor got fired because apparently he always yelled at people and he didn't really do that with me lmao #he just sometimes sighed and got annoyed but he told me twice that he wants to live a bit longer when i was driving badly #so i just scared him and he only made me cry during my first lesson but after that it was pretty chill except when i nearly ran ppl over #according to my mom i've been the men whisperer for a while and idk how i got the title #like i don't even understand the guys i'm close to sometimes let alone myself wdym #mel talks

[nightly-ruse]

I just had a dream so worrying I forced myself awake and I’m just scrolling through my phone to try not and drift back into it

#it was like my mom driving and for some reason we were a dock #then we swerved off bc a person was there and got stuck but somehow she got us unstuck #and then I was frantically trying to put the windows up so my dog Piper wouldn’t jump out the window at the lady while river my other day of #was just getting pets from her #and then I was like OH SHIT THE CATS #and jumped out to try and get them #I got goose easily but then as I scooped up Iris a alligator was staring at me #and I was both scared enough to barely breath or move and wanting to bolt away with my cat #so I slowly started walking and it was following me #and then I somehow got to a narrow lower down section that it could so easily just jump up and eat me + Iris #so I’m yelling to my mom who looks across at me but bc I’m scared I can’t properly talk so I just yell alligator #and she looks down but at this time it’s like opening it’s mouth to take my arm and my cat #so i forced myself awake and am now trying to not go to sleep. and catching my breath my chest hurts a lot from that dream #dream posting #ruse rambles #no clue how this dream came to my head but I am like shaking and winded from it

[cosmojjong]

.

#a bit of a gloomy post so feel free to skip #but i noticed myself bottling up grief again and i feel like punching myself in the face #i noticed a pattern of me just repressing and pushing it to the back of my mind more than i did in the past months #i think i had a period of time where i let myself express and feel how much i miss jonghyun more than i do now #i feel like i was a bit more vocal (not necessarily to others in whatever form) and honest about how it felt #but now it's just such a mess in my mind #today was so weird because i took my friend to her workplace and when driving back home i played my jonghyun playlist #and all of a sudden i got very gloomy and started crying my eyes out and couldn't stop #it felt like such a punch to the stomach #i had to stop the car for a little and collect myself because it was just bad #and i felt really scared because i get the feeling i'm going back to the dark place i was in a while ago #i can't tell if it's because december is approaching or if i just have these recurring periods of time where i just cannot bear it #everytime i try to talk about it to my therapist i just freeze #the words get stuck somewhere in the middle and i don't know how many times i've attempted to talk about it and couldn't #i'm just really sad and i don't think pushing the thoughts away will do much #other than just make it pile up within me and then make me blow up like this

[did-you-fall-for-a-shooting-star]

.

#screaming.to.the.gods #RANT WARNING #I am so mad at myself and my inability to tell this boy I like him #I want to so bad #I’ve been rehersing this in my head #we went to a drive in and then got lost in fucking west virginia for three damn hours #I love being with him #I love talking to him #I love how open we are with each other #but Im so fucking scared to tell him how I feel #because what if he doesnt feel the same way? #what if I fuck up this wonderful relationship we already have #I want to tell him so bad I was starting to have a fucking anxiety attack while he was driving me home #he is just so fucking sweet and caring and funny and I just want to hug him and hold him and curl into him #he knows how to make me laugh and I love listening to him talk about random things #and aahhhhhhhh #I feel like my chest is going to explode from anxiety if I dont talk about this with him soon #but I dont know how #I dont want to fuck shit up #Im so fucking scared to tell him #and I dont even know how to start the conversation without immediately changing the vibes and making things awkward #FUCK MY LIFE

[spade-club]

Dude what the fuck happened to "if I didnt want to do something I can just say no" ???? Bitch??? We dont want to do this??? And guess what you just said.

#fucking anger at myself right now #dont plan a date with some guy you dont know or have any reason to trust while you're having a mental breakdown #ESPECIALLY NOT ONE IN WHICH YOU DONT KNOW EACHOTHER AT ALL AND HE HAS TO DRIVE YOU TO A SECONDARY LOCATION #I'm so fucking mad and scared right now. I dont want to do this. #best case I figure out a good excuse to cancel on the movie part so it can just be lunch and it'll be okay #idk though I'm trying not to have a huge panic about it #I've felt like shit all day too. #idk I just dont want to do anything anymore I'm freaking out #im going to take my meds now and see if it helps but... fuck man idk. I'm so everything #this is a bad idea this is a bad idea this is a bad idea

[telekinetic-issue]

too much on my mind tonight I am bone deep tired and exhausted but I can’t sleep because I’m legitimately afraid that if I do I won’t wake up but a little part of me is okay with that

#tele talks #tele’s cancer log #I’m not a danger to myself rn dw I’m just. aaa. vent. #i had to drop out of uni. I’m not sure I’ll be able to finish #i think I might be going blind in one eye because it takes a while to like. start working when I open my eyes #really really afraid of my scans next week #symptoms getting more noticeable. new symptoms #i don’t trust myself to drive so I may have to suck it up and ask a family friend to take me for scans next week #i always forget that I’m in some amount of pain all the time I’ve just gotten used to ignoring it #my port always hurts I want it out because I’m scared of it now #i think my heart has some level of messed up because of all the chemo I’ve gone through #I’m just always anxious and hurting and it seems like it won’t get better