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moondustis · 4 years

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my muse says the wrong name during sex + “wait—” + jaehyun IM HIS WHORE IM SO SORRY (youre free to change it tho :) )

i too happen to be jaehyuns whore so here is whatever this is!! im sorry it got so angsty i didnt know what else to do with the prompt, but still i hope you like it!!

Here’s the thing, you and Jung Jaehyun are not dating.

It’s actually far from that. The two of you just happened to hook up one night, then that became another night and now his number on your phone is what you call when you need a little body heat sometimes. So there, you both are just friends with benefits, if you will. Maybe not even friends, acquaintances with benefits would be a better way to describe it.

And here’s another thing. Maybe, just maybe. Like really, hypothetically speaking, you are falling in love with Jaehyun. Which is the number one rule not to break when you get involved in things like that, but it seems like your brain doesn’t work very well when Jaehyun is fucking you and it just mistakes his caring way of eating you out with something else.

But it’s fine, you’re a big girl, who knows how to deal and conceal your big girl feelings. It’s not like you’re going to do something drastic like confess to him or dye your hair pink at 3AM while listening to Beyonce sing about her cheating husband and feel like you too have been cheated.

It’s fine.

—

“Your hair looks good like this.” Jaehyun whispers on your ear, sending shivers all over your body. “Pink suits you.”

Weird thing to say when he’s balls deep inside of you, but your heart and pussy seem to enjoy it because it makes you clench around him. “Oh.” You dumbly say, fingers gripping the sheets on his bed as he gives you a nice thrust. “T-Thanks.”

He’s good at this, like really good. And it helps that he has the biggest cock you had ever seen. He moves his hips faster, and the sounds of skin slapping makes your head spin. “Fuck. You feel so good, baby. Taking me so well.” His voice is raspy as he nuzzles at your jaw, pressing open mouthed kisses all over it.

“Yes — Yes. Please” You pant as his hands move down your sides, one just lingering on your chest. “Feel so full.”

He likes when you say shit like that because he knows how big he is. Has asked you to say it many times before. “Yeah?” One hand moves down, pressing at your navel and he gives you an insane look. “Feel me here? On your tummy?”

You nod, feeling so close to your high and it just gets better when he presses his thumb to your clit, circling fast on it. He seems close too, by the way his thrusts are getting erratic.

“Fuck, fuck. I’m gonna cum.” He moans and you raise your hips, chasing your own release. You’re so close, so close. Almost there. “Fuck, Yerim.”

It’s like a bucket of cold water has been dropped on you. You watch as Jaehyun comes inside the condom, his eyes shutting closing and lips parting. You just stand there, frozen and felling extremely small.

“What the fuck.” You whisper, slowly getting out of the shock of what just happened. “What the FUCK?”

“What?” He asks just as he pulls out of you, pulling his underwear up like he has no clue that he just said someone else’s name while fucking you.

You get up, now angry with the blood in your system just starting to boil. “Are you fucking kidding me?” You search for your underwear on the floor, pulling it up, followed by your pants. “Who the fuck is Yerim?”

“What the fuck are you - Oh.” He finally realizes what he’s done, giving you a pathetic look that makes you livid. “Shit. I’m sorr-“

“Yeah, shit.” You roll your eyes. Is he dumb? Does he really think this is something a simple sorry can fix? You put on your shirt and move to grab your purse and keys. “This — Whatever this is — It’s over now.

He finally takes action, getting up from the bed and trying to touch you but you walk away. “Wait —“

“You’re an asshole, you know that? I don’t care that you are fucking other people.” Yes, you do. “But saying their name while you’re fucking me is a bit too much.”

He looks like a fish out of water, mouth opening and closing as he looks for the right words to say.

“Don’t fucking call me again.” Is the last thing you say before you are slamming the door shut.

Maybe this time you’ll just shave off your head completely.

#jaehyun smut #jaehyun scenarios #nct smut #nct scenarios #drabble game #drabbles

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swearronchanel · 6 years

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Finally got around to 7.02

Back at it again with more of my commentaries that no one asked for, I just have a lot to say watching Call The Midwife ok!

Better late tha never, let’s get this started

Skipping the credits bc I’m impatient

Val serving a look! even tho it’s all blue

Shelagh’s perfect 60s kitchen is a dream 😍 looks just like the blue of the Petries’ in the Dick Van Dyke Show

Shelagh Turner is so adorable

New hairstyle for Val coming soon?

Trixie looking like a BABE

Her extensions on point! I’m jealous

“Mine looks terribly realistic” LMAO I LOVE WINNIE

Love the 60s salon decor lol

Poor Sister Winnifred needs a car😂

Ugh choke on that whistle Woolfe

“Iced buns” Run away boobs, look out 😂

GTFO! “Looking like she just got off the boat” BITCHHH!!!

People still love to tell me to straighten my hair and that’s my natural hair is too frizzy and messy, fuck you. *”beyonce!?” video voice* Lucille sweetie I’m sorry an ugly b*tch would even say that

This shit already pissing me off ugh, I know I’m white passing and it gives me privilege but my dad and lot of my family doesn’t and I get upsetttt thinking that they prob hear shit like this or have before(as SO many people do),, like I will throw hands

That goes for anyone tbh, 0 tolerance for racism. It angers me everyday

Val’s still in rollos loll, ugh I wanna get my hair done soon

am I immature or are Sister W’s sock puppets are funny as hell?😂😂

I love Sister Winnie tho she deserves more

Yass gal being your man he needs to be involved

Aww baby

BEATRIX !!! 😍 THIS IS A L O O K

I LOVE IT SM

ALSO Christopher is still a babe and he has a new car?? Sugar daddyyy 🤑

“My parents tried their best but domestic science wasn’t really on the syllabus at casa mia” LMFAO I AM TRIXIE

if only I was that gorgeous and fabulous

I love Val & Trixie’s banter 😂😘

“Not so long ago I thought I’d never be happy again and yet here I am. The human heart is really most resilient.” Oh Trixie I need to hear that.

Yes Lucille knock some sense into them

Sister Monica Joan, an 80-odd nun in the 60s is legit more open minded than an entire population in this country *cough cough Tr*mp & his disgusting supporters*

WHO PICKED THIS UGLY OUTFIT FOR SHELAGH? I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU

“She grew up in a communist country I doubt that’s conducive to a cheerful disposition.” LMAO

Lol my baby cousin is named Magdalena

“Her type” YOU MEAN A HUMAN. SHE’S A HUMAN. FROM THE CARIBBEAN.

THANK YOU VAL FOR THE DEFENSE IMA FLIP

O m f g I WANT TO FIGHTTTTT THIS MOTHER

Oh shit a stroke!!??

Lucille grabbing Val’s hand 😭

Sister MJ’s eyes😭😭

I forget you could smoke even in hospitals and planes back then

How is Teddy this big already?

SHELAGH’S FACE LMAOO intimidated by Magda

She’s a Catfish but for the better

Trixie again 😍 love that dress too!

I want her hair ugh

LMAO BURNT ASS GRAEPFRUIT

Yass Magda you’ve been living your best life, I need to get like you

“Everyone knows English coffee is very bad” LMAOO I LOVE HER ALREADY??

but also we know the best coffee is from the Caribbean & Columbia

“Better than what I’m used too” LMAO PATRICK YOU GONNA GET IT BOY

Shelagh’s faces I’m so ded

Time to step up your wardrobe tho Shelagh, Magda can’t upstage you in your own home

“Life really can change in the blink of an eye.” You’re telling me Phyllis

WINNIE LMAO putting her hand to her heart is me at every little thing

What happened to the cute nightgowns you owned Shelagh? cancel the moo moos

“You might want to put on a cardigan. You’re not on the continent now.” LMAO WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

like shoulders aren’t scandalous tf 😂 or is it bc it’s chilly? Either way Shelagh is so pressed, I die😂

don’t worry bby she don’t want your man lmao, no need to be worried

Damn calling her an invalid right in front of her Dr T? kinda fucked up

aw this poor husband 😭

guess who still hates Mrs Stanton? yo

she’s pregnant and dropped a pound and I go to the gym and cannot? what the hell

The bonchinche (gossip) at the salon is so realistic lol, it’s usually the hairdressers spilling the tea here when you go to people you know😂👏🏼

Shelagh in another dowdy outfit why!?

The costume designers doing Laura Main so dirty this series, she deserves better

I know she is not Trixie or Val but she can wear cute outfits too!

Like the grey dress from 6.2! The Jackie Kennedy-esque suit! She had some looks and now she’s in these dull avena colors

Don’t @ me bc of this either^ I appreciate fashion and just looking nice, let me rock and complain

“Filthy hands” Mrs Stanton boutta MEET MY TWO FISTS REAL SOON OMFG

“Proper English nurse”IM FUMINGGGGG

IDGAF she’s upset and wants to blame YOU DON’T GET TO JUSTIFY BEING RACIST

the black woman waiting just gave Lucille the most sad but understanding look my fucking heart

“It’s not up to you or Nurse Crane to decide how much unpleasantness I can bear.” FUCK YES LUCILLE BABE STICK UP FOR YOURSELF !!! TAKE NO SHIT

I L O V E H E R

Is their last name Romaine like the lettuce?

The track suit tho lolll

“The fears we have in the present often lie in the experiences of the past”😭yes

Can we call her Lucy? I love her

I feel you Val bb! I’m embarrassed that my country put literal evil garbage in the White House!!

Aw Val sorry bb

“I’ve had patients who won’t let me touch them bc they thought the blackness would rub off on their skin” set in 1963 and there’s still fucking disgusting people who act like this in 2018

🙌🏻👏🏼 LUCILLE ANDERSON

I’m glad ofc but ugh I hate when they resolve major/serious problems so quickly tbh

Omg I remember my hair was too short for braids so my mom would make me get “twisties” GOD THE PAIN I CAN STILL FEEL IT! AND THE RUBBER BANDS BREAKING AGAINST YOUR HEAD AHHH

Teddy omg the cutest

LMAO okay Tim, chill

A ROBERTS RADIO UGH I WANT ONEEE

Lmaoo Tim is tragic😂 he doesn’t get out much

Angela aw! An angel!

Magda serving a look aye

Where’s Shelagh to sing the toothbrush song?

The husband reminds me of a “who from whoville” loll

Occupational therapy clinic! Mika !! @nurse-franklin

Coq au vin? Chef Magda

“If you like that sort of thing” LMAO SALTYY AF

“Do I detect a tone?” LMAO OBVIOUSLY PATRICK, REASSURE YOUR WIFE SHE’S PRESSED

I’m laughing but really it’s not funny enough to drag it out lol, I hope Shelagh get’s over it quick

Lmaoo Shelagh a dress with her shoulders out and knees showing is not half dressed, calamate

Lol love her still

I do love her facial expressions too

But fr can she not wear all brown & whoever gave her the M’Lynn from Steel Magonlias hair? It gotta go

SISTER MJ AND LUCILLE MI CORAZÓN

“I could read to you”😭😭

Wait they play basketball?

Violet Buckle is under-appreciated and the Buckle family is too

Aw I’m proud of Marjorie’s husband

obvs hand in front of stomach placement ha

LMAO WINNIE STEALING THE CAR WHAT A THUG! GTA OUT HERE 😂

LMAO THIS DAD AW HE’S COACHING

PHYLLIS IN HER SKIRT BLESS, SHE’S GONNA BE PISSED THO LOLLL

He’s about to throw up I’m ded

Phyllis brought to tears about her, I feel 😂😭

Except my Bitch ass doesn’t have a car or license yet

“Wedding”😭

CAUGHT Lmaoo sorry Sis

“The longest paths lead into sunlight, when they are paved with love”😭😭

THESE DARLINGS BROUGHT FOOD I LOVEEE

Omfg do I see rellenos de papa?👀👀

That food looks so good ugh I wish I had some home cooked food rn

Ahh man that’s it?

Till next week😭..

#call the midwife #let's get it 1963 #my commentaries™#waiting every week is stress ahh

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nyamvember · 7 years

Text

TAG MASTERPOST

I was tagged by @mochikissme (sorry it took me so long to do it)

No Hallyu Tag

10 groups/artists you like besides Kpop/liked before Kpop: (IM LITERALLY THE WORST PERSON TO ASK THESE. IF IT ISN’T KPOP, IT’S MUSICALS OR MOVIE SOUNDTRACKS RIP)

Beyonce

Ariana Grande

Adele

Christina Aguilera

Fergie

Fifth Harmony

High School Musical Cast

Hairspray Cast

Into The Woods Cast

JoJo

10 favorite non-kpop songs:

Into You- Ariana Grande (The whole Dangerous Woman album tbh)

All I Ask- Adele

Bootylicious- Destin’y Child

Look But Don’t Touch- Serayah

Fergalicious- Fergie

Step Up- The Cheetah Girls (DONT JUDGE ME)

Can I Have This Dance- Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efrom

Yoga- Janelle Monae and Jidenna

Too Little, Too Late- JoJo

Heartburn- NLT

10 favorite movies:

ALL THREE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICALS

Hairspray (The one with Zac Efron)

Bratz

Johnson Family Vacation

She’s The Man

The Lorax

Horton Hears A Who

Into The Woods

The Cat in The Hat

Mean Girls

10 favorite tv shows, including anime & cartoons:

Friends

The Office

Ouran Host Club

Haikyuu!

Kuroko no Baske

Bob’s Burgers

Working!

Modern Family

Black-ish

American Housewife

10 favorite manga/comics:

I don’t read Manga or Comics

10 things you enjoyed before kpop/enjoy besides kpop, that won’t fit in the lists above:

Baking/ Cooking

Singing

Reading

Photography

Hair/Make-up Tutorials

THE SIMS 4 OMG (my best friend got me HOOKED)

Watching Movies

Hanging out with my friends (since college, we spend majority of the year away from each other, and during the summers we all work so time together is precious)

Watching TV

Crafting

Ten Tag

last movie you watched: High School Musical 2 (but let’s be honest, I performed that movie)

last song you listened to: HER- Block B (it’s playing rn lol)

last show you watched: Mr. Young (it’s on Netflix and I really just play it as background noise when I sleep lol)

last book you read?: Last Year’s Mistake

last thing you ate?: Cheddar Blasted Goldfish

if you could be anywhere in the world right now where would you be: Wherever my husband Namjoon is

when would you time travel to: The world has been fucked up, so I’d just stay here. The past was shit and I’m scared for the future of my country.

first thing you would do with lottery money: BUY A CAR OMG. Not even a fancy one either, I want the Nissan Murano

character you would hang out with for a day? I don’t think I have one :/

time right now: 5:39 pm

first letter of your name tag

What is your name? - Caitlyn

A four letter word? - cool

A boy’s name? - Caiden

An occupation? - Chef

Something you wear? - Clothes lololol

A color? - cerulean

A food? - corn

Something you find in the bathroom? - cold water

A place? - College aka DEATH

A reason for being late? - couldn’t find the keys

Something you shout? - CAN YOU STOP (me @ bangtan)

A movie title? - Clueless

Something you drink? - Cola

An animal? - cat

A type of car? - carolla

Title of a song? - Can’t by GOT7

fave kpop songs of 2016

Blood, Sweat, and Tears by BTS

Fire by BTS

Hard Carry by GOT7

Boombayah by BlackPink

I’m Jelly Baby by AOA Cream

Boom Boom by Seventeen

Highlight by Seventeen

Lie by BTS Jimin

Begin by BTS Jungkook

Reflection by my husband BTS Rap Monster

MAMA by my second husband BTS J-Hope

Stigma by BTS V aka Kim Taehyung

Awake by BTS Jin

First Love by BTS Suga

Monster by EXO

Lucky One by EXO

Hey Mama! by EXO- CBX

1 of 1 by SHINee

Prove It by GOT7

Rewind by GOT7

Honeybee by Hani, Solar, and Luna

Firetruck by NCT 127

The 7th Sence by NCT U

I’m gonna stop here cause this could LITERALLY go on forever.

url tag (kpop edition)

o- Oh!: SNSD (Girl’s Generation)

v- Very Very Very: IOI

e- Embarrassed: BTS

r- Russian Roulette: Red Velvet

t- TT: Twice

h- Hard Carry: GOT7

e- Expectation: Seventeen

m- Monster: EXO

o- Outro: Wings: BTS

o- OMGT: Madtown

n- Not Today: BTS

j- Jam Jam: Seventeen

o- Only You: Miss A

o- One Of These Nights: Red Velvet

n- No More Dream: BTS

kpop tag

who was your first female bias? - Sunny (SNSD)

who was your first male bias? - Namjoon (BTS)

who are your current biases? (other than the ones above) - Hoseok, Minseok, Kyungsoo, Minho, Kibum, GOT7(nope, still can’t choose one), Hoshi, Heechul, Momo, Wonho, Jooheon, Hyungwon, etc.

in the entire kpop industry who is closest to your ideal type? - KIM “automatic dick” Namjoon

have you ever attended any kpop concert/fan meeting/fansign? - no TT

if yes, which group/artist? how was the experience? - N/A :/

which group/artist would you like to see live? - BTS, GOT7, Monsta X, Seventeen, Twice, Block B, SHINee, SNSD, EXO, etc.

how did you get into kpop? - I saw IGAB years ago and liked it but then it left my brain and then a friend on Snapchat posted herself rapping Hoseok’s part in Boy in Luv and I was curious, fell in love with Namjoon and I’ve been sucked down the rabbit hole since.

who are your otps? - ALL OF THEM. I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING. I SHIP EVERYTHING (except minors and my children)

when did u start to ship them? - Idk, it just happened

what is your favorite fanfic genre? - I don’t have a specific genre, but I only read Kiwi’s fics and I love all her writing (PS, you should check her out here)

what is your favorite music genre? - I like romantic songs, or rnb, or pop, or just whatever catches my fancy.

five things tag

5 things you’ll find in my bag

Lip balm

Wallet

Candy (of some sort, my friends enjoy that part)

Keys

Portable charger

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom

A shit ton of electronics

glitter

pillows

Paint

Books (OMG THE BOOKS)

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in my life

Travel overseas

Go on a Girl’s Trip

Have a “Treat Yo Self” Day

Go to a concert

Meet a Celebrity I actually like

5 things I’m currently into

Kpop

Kdrama

Photography

Crafting

Make-up

5 things on my to-do list:

Finish all the work for March in my online class

Organize my attire for Spring Break

My Korean Lessons

Idk lolol

5 things people may not know about me:

I care for friendship more than anything because friends are people who choose to be in your life so I appreciate my friends above anything.

I’m really shy and awkward but I’m super fun and chill once I get used to someone.

Sometime’s I don’t reply in groupchats not because I don’t want to, but because the service in my dorm is literally the shittiest so I don’t get things until late if I’m in my room (which is where I am 90% of the time) and I feel really bad or sometimes I’m sleep or in class (where I can’t be on my phone)

I like learning new things and trying new things, so I’m open to most things (unless I’m allergic)

I love musicals, like, ALOT

random k-pop

rules: go to this website: www.random.org/lists/ and pick 15 of your bias/faves.

mum/dad: Taehyung

sibling: Jackson

grandma/grandad: Yoongi

haunts you: Minseok

boyfriend/girlfriend: Hoseok (DEAR LORD IM IN HEAVEN)

your ex: Jin

your bestfriend: Jooheon

proposed to you: Namjoon (BLESS YES)

your boss: Kibum

random person you meet at a bar: Momo

rival: Sunny

first kiss: Jimin

drunk and singing karaoke: Jungkook

played 7 minutes in heaven with: Wonho

gave you your favourite dessert: Minho

This was long but I enjoyed it.

Idk who to tag, so if you see this and we’re mutuals....TAG YOU’RE IT!!

#this was really long lol #i didn't feel like tagging anyone so im tagging everyone

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viralhottopics · 7 years

Text

‘Rugrats’ Characters Ranked By Betchiness

For this weeks TBT, were going to take a look into the lives of the most influential baby friend group of the ’90s. Im talking, of course, about the Rugrats and, most importantly, how betchy or not betchy each Rugrat is. Is it polite to rank toddlers who have not yet learned to speak based on arbitrary social categories? Probs not. Is it fun? Fucking duh.

1. Cynthia

Heres what we know about Cynthia: 1) Shes a really cool dancer, 2) Shes got cool moves (as long as you move her arms and legs), 3) Shes movin out on the floor, 4) Shes ready to break some eggs (make an omelette Cynthia!) How do we know all this? We know it from her workout tape, which I am shocked has not been sampled by Avicii or Kanye or someone yet (dont listen unless you want this song stuck in your head all day).

youtube

Cynthias resting bitch face is on point, and she manages to look great in her belted orange dress despite the fact that she is missing of her hair. Cynthia didnt say or do shit for all 9 seasons of, yet she is still one of the shows most memorable characters, and it is her ability to do no work and remain popular that has earned her the number one slot.

2. Susie Carmichael

Susie Carmichael is cool AF. Did Susie need to appear in every episode? No. Susie had other shit to do. Shell check in every once in awhile to see what the babies are up to, teach them about Kwanzaa and generally let them know whats good, before going back next door to hang with her real friends. Whenever she does come over, the babies flip out because theyre like, obsessed with her (everyone is). Shes also the only person who has absolutely no time for Angelicas bullshit, probably because Susie has better hair, a better outfit, and wears a cool red bangle, which is more than Angelica could ever hope to have. Susie is three, which makes her older and wiser than most of the babies and probably accounts for the sheer lack of fucks she has to give. Did Susie get her ass lost in the woods when Dil was born? Fuck no, she was chilling in Paris getting turnt up with her older sister! Did Susie almost die with the Rugrats in EuroReptarland? No bitch, I just told you shes already been to Paris! Susie Carmichael always comes correct, and thats what earned her the number two spot.

3. Tommy Pickles

Tommy Pickles is the star of the show, which virtually guarantees him betchiness. Tommy also has the whole dressing like a slut thing down and spends all nine seasons of wearing nothing but a crop top and booty shorts. His outfit never stops him from leading his friend group on adventures, and you know once he can talk and operate a phone hed be the person managing the group chat, suggesting what clubs and parties to go to, making sure everyone is getting the free shots they deserve, and seeing you into your Uber at the end of the night. The thing holding Tommy back from the top spot is that hes too fucking nice. Hell let any baby with shit in their diaper come hang with him (cough CHUCKIE cough), and that means his friend group is riddled with duds (HI CHUCKIE). Be a little more discerning about your friend group, Thomas, and maybe well see you up at the top with Cynthia.

4. Angelica Pickles

We cant talk about Cynthia without getting to her BFF and designated Rugrat BSCB, Angelica Pickles. Angelica spent most of torturing the dumb babies (who were really only like a year younger than her) and making them miserable, yet still somehow being invited to all the group hangs, play dates, and brunches. Angelica spends a lot of time telling everyoneincluding the adultshow beautiful she is and is absolutely desperate for attention, probably because her rich AF parents never pay attention to her. Shes your friend who cries and starts shit at the club anytime she feels like shes not the hottest girl there (and she frequently is notthanks Cynthia!) Also girl, lay off the cookies.

5. Charlotte Pickles

Charlotte Pickles is Angelicas mom who is literally always on her phone. Like, always. Even in a time before cellphones could fit in your pocket, Charlotte is always on the phone with her assistant Jonathan (Cheban? We dont know) and ignores basically every member of her family to do so. When phones dont work, Charlotte straight up makes her husbands brother carry a fax machine around so she doesnt miss any important texts. Charlotte alternates between a power suit and workout gear, always accompanied by an Ariana Grande level high ponytail. In , Charlotte displays clear signs of some seriously botched cosmetic surgery, which is what has dropped her down to slot #5. Never try to cut corners on botox, Charlotte! Itll always go wrong. Honestly, Jonathan should have told you that.

6. Grandpa Lou

Grandpa Lou is another character who gives absolutely zero fucks and is down to hang. Much like Corinne, Lou loves naps and often falls asleep halfway through finishing his stories. Despite his old age, Lou is still a fuckboy, and is often seen hitting on women and generally trying to find ways to get laid. If had taken place in 2017, Lou would have definitely had a Tinder and that Tinder definitely would have had a picture of him from 20+ years earlier. Lou is eventually successful in finding a new wife, Lulu, who he moves in with pretty fast after they start hooking up (risky choice, Lou!) Outside of his strangely active love life, Lou also has many frenemies, including his own cousin Miriam; his bowling rival, Billy Strike Maxwell; and some other wrestling guy named Conan McNulty. This proves that when push comes to shove, Lou is just not very popular and kind of an old perv. Sixth place for you, Lou.

7. Phil And Lil Deville

Okay Im sorry, but Phil and Lil are fucking gross. Their diet is a mess, always eating fucking worms and mud and shit. Do you know how many calories are in a ball of worms, kids? Do you? Seriously. There is a episode where Phil and Lil drink straight-up toilet water. What the fuck is that? Is that something babies do? Phil and Lil also have no creativity when it comes to fashion, and instead just dress alike every damn day in greena color that is flattering on exactly 0 people. Their mom is a hardcore feminist, which is cool, but maybe the twins have been empowered to do a little bit too much. Like sure, Lil can do whatever she wants with her life, but maybe eating a giant pile of shit should not be one of those things? Idk. Seventh place.

8. Stu Pickles

Good Lord is Stu Pickles a sad man. Seriously. You have a beautiful house, two healthy babies, a cool Jewish wife who has managed to maintain her pre-baby body, and youre still fucking complaining! Look around, asshole! You have all this shit despite the fact that your dumb ass hasnt invented one successful toy. In fact, you havent even invented one toy that didnt explode and almost kill your entire family. You are literally #blessed but youre too blind to see it! The only thing keeping you from the bottom slot is this meme which, in the current political climate, is legit all of our lives right now:

9. Chuckie Finster

No. Just no. Im sorry, but again, its gonna be a hard pass on Chuckie. Here are all the things Chuckie would have to improve if he ever even wanted to hope to be betchy. 1) His voice, which is terrible. Do you have a cold, Chuckie? Go to the damn doctor. Its the ’90s. Hillary Clinton has passed the State Childrens Health Insurance Plan. You can go to the doctor. Go. 2) Grow. A. Pair. Dude. You know when Chuckie gets older hes gonna be your friend who calls the cops on his own party for getting out of hand. Hes gonna be that guy who side eyes you for doing molly at Coachella, making weird comments under his breath about how you never know whats in that stuff and generally bringing bad vibes despite the fact that Beyonc is literally pregnant and dancing in front of you. 3) The hair is a problem. Comb it. Dye it. Do something. Its a problem. 4) Tie your fucking shoes, dude. 9th place.

10. Chas Finster

There was no character on television from 1991-2004 that was less betchy than Chas Finster. He has all of Chuckies problems, but he is a fucking adult which means he has literally no excuse for being such a narc. Chas seems to be suffering from whatever health problems are affecting his son, and despite being a bureaucrat, apparently has no ability to get his ass to a doctor either. Like many sad old nerds, Chas must travel to a foreign country to find a wife, eventually convincing a way-too-hot-for-him Japanese woman to fly to America and be his Melania. Chas also has a double-Hitler mustache, which is 100% unacceptable, no matter what decade you live in. Sorry, Chas. Last place.

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Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: ‘Can people please stop telling me feminism is hot?’

The novelist has been accused of making equality mainstream: isnt that the point? Plus an extract from her new Feminist Manifesto In Fifteen Suggestions

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie was in Lagos last summer, teaching a writing workshop as part of an annual schedule that sees her time divided between Nigeria and the US. For much of the year, Adichie lives in a town 30 minutes west of Baltimore, where her Nigerian-American husband works as a medic and the 39-year-old writes in the quiet of a suburban home. When Adichie is in Nigeria, where her parents and extended family still live, she has a house in the vast city she regards with the complicated love and condescension of the part-time expat.

Its an ambivalence with which many Nigerians regard her, too; last year, the workshop ended in a question-and-answer session, during which a young man rose to ask the famous novelist a question. I used to love you, she recalls him saying. Ive read all your books. But since you started this whole feminism thing, and since you started to talk about this gay thing, Im just not sure about you any more. How do you intend to keep the love of people like me?

Adichie and I are in a coffee shop near her home in the Baltimore suburbs. We have met before, a few years ago, when her third novel Americanah was published, a book that examines what it is to be a Nigerian woman living in the US, and that went on to win a National Book Critics Circle award. A lot has happened since then. Half Of A Yellow Sun, Adichies second and most famous novel, about the Biafran war, has been made into a film starring Chiwetel Ejiofor and Thandie Newton. Her essay, We Should All Be Feminists, adapted from her 2013 TEDx talk, has remained on the bestseller lists, particularly in Sweden, where in 2015 it was distributed to every 16-year-old high-school student in the land. The talk was sampled by Beyonc in her song Flawless. Adichie has become the face of Boots No7 makeup. And she has had a baby, a daughter, now 15 months old.

Adichie is still somewhat in the blast zone, not entirely caught up on sleep, but has published a short book, Dear Ijeawele, Or A Feminist Manifesto In Fifteen Suggestions, an extended version of a letter to a friend who, after having her own baby girl, asked Adichies advice on how to raise her to be feminist. I have had twin girls myself since our last meeting, so I am curious about her approach, not least because one of my two-year-olds currently identifies as Bob the Builder and the other as Penelope Pitstop. I would like to equip them to be themselves, while resisting whatever projections might be foisted upon them. We show each other baby photos and smile. Welcome to the world of anxiety, Adichie says.

The success of We Should All Be Feminists has made Adichie as prominent for her feminism as for her novels, to the extent that now I get invited to every damned feminist thing in the whole world. She has always been an agony aunt of sorts, the unpaid therapist for my family and friends, but having the feminist label attached has changed things, and not just among her intimates. I was opened to a certain level of hostility that I hadnt experienced before as a writer and public figure.

This is partly why she has written the new book, to reclaim the word feminism from its abusers and misusers, a category within which she would include certain other progressives, and to lay down in plain, elegant English her beliefs about child-raising.

Dear Ijeawele is, in some ways, a very basic set of appeals; to be careful with language (never say because you are a girl), avoid gendered toys, encourage reading, dont treat marriage as an achievement, reject likability. Her job is not to make herself likable, her job is to be her full self, she writes in reference to her friends daughter, a choice Adichie has come to elevate almost above any other.

That day in Lagos last summer, her friends were furious at the cheek of the young mans question, but she rather liked his bravery and honesty in asking it. She replied in the same spirit. Keep your love, Adichie said. Because, sadly, while I love to be loved, I will not accept your love if it comes with these conditions.

Having a baby has made Adichie think differently about her own parents, particularly her mother. Grace Adichie, who had six children and worked her way up from being a university administrator to the registrar, taught her daughter to love fashion as well as books, and was a very cool mum whom she idolised as a child. Nonetheless, and in the manner of most snotty young adults, young Chimamanda went through a phase of being very superior to her mother. Now, the novelist looks at her daughter and gulps.

Adichie recently came across her own kindergarten reports. My father keeps them all. You know what the teacher wrote? She is brilliant, but she refuses to do any work when shes annoyed. I was five years old. She laughs. I couldnt believe it. My husband couldnt believe it. I must have been an annoying child.

Its not as if she comes from a family of radicals. My parents are not like that. Theyre conventional, reasonable, responsible, good, kind people. Im the crazy. But their love and support made that crazy thrive.

Unlike Adichie, who was raised exclusively in Nigeria, her daughter will be raised in two cultures and subject to slightly diverging social expectations. Already, Adichie says with a laugh, friends and relatives from home are concerned that her mothering is insufficiently stern.

A friend was just visiting and she said to me, Your parenting is not very Nigerian. In Nigeria and, I think, in many cultures you control children. And I feel like, my daughter is 15 months, she doesnt have a sense of consequences. And I enjoy watching her. So she tears a page of a book? Whatever. She throws my shoes down. So? Its fun. I love that shes quite strong-willed. The joke between Adichie and her husband whom, to her intense annoyance, their daughter looks much more like is that her character cleaves to the maternal side. He says to me, Well, at least we know where she got her personality from. Shes quite fierce.

In the new book, Adichies advice is not only to provide children with alternatives to empower boys and girls to understand there is no single way to be but also to understand that the only universal in this world is difference. In terms of the evolution of feminism, these are not new lessons, but that is rather Adichies point. She is not writing for other feminist writers, and shows some frustration at what she sees as the solipsism of much feminist debate.

That morning, on the way to see her, I had read a review of a new book by Jessa Crispin, entitled Why I Am Not A Feminist: A Feminist Manifesto, a critique of everything that is wrong with feminism today. If one can get over the eye-rolling aspect of books by feminists decrying the feminism of other feminists for degrading the word feminist by being insufficiently feminist, the book does raise questions about where one should be focusing ones efforts.

Fashion blogger Chiara Ferragni wears Adichies Dior T-shirt during Paris fashion week, January 2017. Photograph: Edward Berthelot/Getty Images

The proposition is that feminism has become so mainstream as to be an empty marketing tool, a mere slogan on a bag or a T-shirt. Without being named, Adichie is implicated in this critique, given that last year she collaborated with Christian Dior on a T-shirt bearing the line We Should All Be Feminists; depending on ones view, this is either a perfect example of pointless sloganeering or a brilliant piece of preaching to the unconverted.

Im already irritated, Adichie says. This idea of feminism as a party to which only a select few people get to come: this is why so many women, particularly women of colour, feel alienated from mainstream western academic feminism. Because, dont we want it to be mainstream? For me, feminism is a movement for which the end goal is to make itself no longer needed. I think academic feminism is interesting in that it can give a language to things, but Im not terribly interested in debating terms. I want peoples marriages to change for the better. I want women to walk into job interviews and be treated the same way as somebody who has a penis.

Still, one can see a theoretical obscenity about the Dior collaboration: the words of a movement that should be concerned with helping low-income women, used to promote and make money for a wealthy company. On the other hand: what is the damage?

Yes: whats the damage? Adichie says. I would even argue about the theoretically obscene. Theres a kind of self-righteousness to the ultra-left that is hard for me to stomach. Its approach to poverty can sometimes border on condescension. I often think that people who write a lot about poverty need to go and spend more time with poor people. I think about Nigerian women who can hardly afford anything but who love fashion. They have no money, but they work it.

Adichie mentions a TV soap opera that used to run in Nigeria called The Rich Also Cry, a terrible drama series, she says, that was very popular. But sometimes I think about that title. So, the creative director of Christian Dior is obviously a woman of some privilege. But does it then mean that she doesnt have gender-based problems in her life? Because she does. Does it mean she doesnt have this magnificent rage about gender injustice? Because she does. Wanting to use that slogan was it going to make the world a better place? No. But I think theres a level of consciousness-raising and a level of subversion that I like.

She doesnt believe it was a cynical marketing ploy? No. Sorry. Feminism is not that hot. I can tell you I would sell more books in Nigeria if I stopped and said Im no longer a feminist. I would have a stronger following, I would make more money. So when people say, Oh, feminisms a marketing ploy, it makes me laugh.

The bigger issue here is one of range. Adichies irritation with aspects of what she thinks of as professional feminism is that it runs counter to her ideas as a writer: that people contain multitudes. She is a brilliant novelist and a serious thinker, and she is also someone who makes no apology for her own trivial interests. Life doesnt always follow ideology, she says. You might believe in certain things and life gets in and things just become messy. You know? I think thats the space that fiction, and having a bit more of an imaginative approach, makes. And that the feminist speaking circuit doesnt really make room for.

There is much in the new book about double standards, including those governing the images of motherhood and fatherhood. I think we need to stop giving men cookies for doing what they should do, she says, and goes on to explain that her husband, who needs less sleep than her, tends to get up in the night to tend to the baby. On the one hand, I realise that my husband is unusual; on the other, I feel resentful when hes overpraised by my family and friends. Hes like Jesus.

He probably senses shes about to go off the deep end, I suggest, and Adichie smiles to acknowledge how impossible she is. I did all the physical work to produce her! Theres something fundamentally wrong with the way weve constructed what it means to be female in the world.

Photograph: Stephen Voss for the Guardian

This is something she writes about in a lovely passage of the new book about hair. As a child, Adichie and her sisters and every other girl she knew were routinely tortured with a metal comb to subdue their hair, something her brothers were spared. Im glad I wrote that, Adichie says. We had just come back from Lagos and my sister, God bless her, had already had a talk with me about my daughters hair. She said, You need to do something about it. With my family, theres an eye-roll and a here-we-go-again with her, and she said to me, Do you want me to send you a set of combs? And I was like, No, thank you. And I know its going to keep happening. But, no, Im not going to conform in that way. Im not going to have my child go through pain because society expects a certain neatness. It happened to me, its not going to happen to her. And Im ready to have all the battles I need to have.

The original letter on which Dear Ijeawele is based has been shared on Facebook, and while Adichie was in Lagos, a woman whod read it approached her in a shop and said, Heres my daughter, look at her hair. She had very loose cornrows that were not neat according to Nigerians. And she said, You inspired that. My daughter is happier, Im happier. And do you know, it was the highlight of my month.

This is not just a question of image. It is also about time. Women have less time than men, in almost every arena, because their responsibilities to look or act a certain way are more onerous.

It is one of Adichies bugbears that as someone who loves fashion, she is by default not taken seriously. When Boots approached her to be the face of its No7 makeup range, she said yes, because she thought it might be fun; in the end, she says, it became vaguely alarming. I have no regrets, but you wake up one day and think, what the hell have I done? There were too many of these pictures everywhere. Her point, however, is that its not that Im a feminist and made a strategic choice to speak about makeup and fashion. Its that I was raised by Grace Adichie in a culture in which you care about how you look. Its a part of me I once hid, because I felt that I had to to be serious. Now, Im just being who I am.

Recently, Adichies identity has been tested in new ways. I wonder if she is less affected by President Trump than an American, on the basis that she is less invested in the American story. Quite the opposite, she says. Because theres a part of me that needs a country I can think of as being one that largely works. Which is not a luxury that Nigeria can have. She laughs.

Someone said to me, Now that this is happening in the US, do you think of moving back to Nigeria? And I thought, no, because its not any better there. I admire America. I dont think of myself as American Im not. So its not mine. But I admire it, and so theres a sense that this thing I built in my head, its been destroyed.

There is also, she says, something familiar about it all. American democracy has never been tested. You might have disagreed ideologically with George W Bush, but he still kind of followed the rules. Here, it feels like Nigeria. It really does. Its that feeling of political uncertainty that Im very familiar with, but not a feeling I like. Its ugly. But even worse, because America is so powerful, and so much at the centre of the world, these things have consequences for everyone. Nigeria doesnt have that kind of reach, so our problems remain our problems.

In January, Adichie and her husband joined the Womens March in DC. It was fleeting, and symbolic, she says, but it gave me the smallest slice of hope. There are all of these people who seem to realise that America has changed by electing an unhinged person. On the other hand, theres a part of me thats very sceptical of too much sentimentality. I hope it translates into people organising and going out to vote.

Long before talk about piercing the filter bubble, Adichie instinctively subscribed to rightwing blogs and newsletters. She was an early watcher of Fox News, until it became too unhinged and ridiculous. But she has carried on, because Im interested in ideological concerns and how people differ, and how we should build a society. Whats a welfare state? People who have less, are we responsible for them? I think we are. And I think I can make a selfish case, which is apparently what appeals to people on the right. People on the left say we should do it because we should be kind. And people on the right think, Excuse me? But if you say to them, If these people dont get healthcare, they will go to the ER and your tax dollars will pay for it, suddenly they sit up.

Adichie with her husband, Ivara Esege. Photograph: DDAA/ZOB/Daniel Deme/WENN

As a result of her reading, rightwing ideology is not something I think is evil, she says. Some. A bit. But, in general, I dont. I have friends who are good, kind people who are on the right. But Donald Trump is an exception. Its not an objection to a conservative, because I dont even think hes a conservative. My objection is an objection to chaos. Each time I turn on the news, Im holding my breath.

Trumps erosion of language is one of the most frightening things about him, but even progressives, Adichie says, can be sloppy on this front. In response to her new book, a reporter emailed her the question: Why not humanism? (instead of feminism). To which, she says, I thought, what part of the fucking book did this person not read?

Its like the people who go around saying All Lives Matter, I say, in response to the Black Lives Matter movement. Right, which I find deeply offensive and very dishonest. Because we have to name something in order to fix it, which is why I insist on the word feminist or feminism.

This, she says, in spite of the fact that many of her friends, particularly black women, resist that word, because the history of feminism has been very white and has assumed women meant white women. Political discussion in this country still does that. Theyll say, Women voted for… and then, Black people voted for… And I think: Im black and a woman, so where do I fit in here?

As a result, Many of my friends who are not white will say, Im an intersectional feminist, or Im a womanist. And I have trouble with that word, because it has undertones of femininity as this mystical goddess-mother thing, which makes me uncomfortable. So we need a word. And my hope is we use feminism often enough that it starts to lose all the stigma and becomes this inclusive, diverse thing.

This is her goal and her defence, although she still doesnt see why she needs one. Her understanding of feminism is intertwined with her understanding that we all want to be more than one thing. And anyway, she repeats, Can people please stop telling me that feminism is hot? Because its not. Adichie looks magnificently annoyed. Honestly.

Beware feminism lite: an extract from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichies letter-turned-book, Dear Ijeawele

Be a full person. Motherhood is a glorious gift, but do not define yourself solely by it. You dont even have to love your job; you can merely love the confidence and self-fulfilment that come with doing and earning. Please reject the idea that motherhood and work are mutually exclusive. Our mothers worked full-time while we were growing up, and we turned out well at least you did; the jury is still out on me.

In these coming weeks of early motherhood, be kind to yourself. Ask for help. Expect to be helped. There is no such thing as a Superwoman. Parenting is about practice and love.

Give yourself room to fail. A new mother does not necessarily know how to calm a crying baby. Read books, look things up on the internet, ask older parents, or just use trial and error. But, above all, take time for yourself. Nurture your own needs.

I have no interest in the debate about women doing it all, because it is a debate that assumes that caregiving and domestic work are singularly female domains, an idea that I strongly reject. Domestic work and caregiving should be gender-neutral, and we should be asking not whether a woman can do it all, but how best to support parents in their dual duties at work and at home.

Photograph: Stephen Voss for the Guardian

Beware the danger of what I call Feminism Lite; the idea of conditional female equality. Being a feminist is like being pregnant. You either are or you are not. You either believe in the full equality of men and women, or you do not.

Teach your daughter to question language. A friend of mine says she will never call her daughter princess. The word is loaded with assumptions, of a girls delicacy, of the prince who will come to save her. This friend prefers angel and star. So decide the things you will not say to your child. You know that Igbo joke, used to tease girls who are being childish What are you doing? Dont you know you are old enough to find a husband? I used to say that often. But now I choose not to. I say, You are old enough to find a job. Because I do not believe that marriage is something we should teach young girls to aspire to.

Try not to use words like misogyny and patriarchy. We feminists can sometimes be too jargony. Teach her that if you criticise X in women but do not criticise X in men, you do not have a problem with X, you have a problem with women. For X please insert words like anger, ambition, loudness, stubbornness, coldness, ruthlessness.

Do you remember how we laughed and laughed at an atrociously written piece about me some years ago? The writer had accused me of being angry, as though being angry were something to be ashamed of. Of course I am angry. I am angry about racism. I am angry about sexism. But I recently came to the realisation that I am angrier about sexism than I am about racism. Because in my anger about sexism, I often feel lonely. Because I love, and live among, many people who easily acknowledge race injustice but not gender injustice.

Teach your daughter to question men who can have empathy for women only if they see them as relational rather than as individual equal humans. Men who, when discussing rape, will say something like, If it were my daughter or wife or sister. Yet such men do not need to imagine a male victim of crime as a brother or son in order to feel empathy.

Teach her, too, to question the idea of women as a special species. I once heard an American politician, in his bid to show his support for women, speak of how women should be revered and championed a sentiment that is all too common. Tell her that women dont need to be championed and revered; they just need to be treated as equal human beings.

This is a condensed and edited extract from Dear Ijeawele, Or A Feminist Manifesto In Fifteen Suggestions, by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, published on Tuesday by Fourth Estate at 10. To order a copy for 8.50, go to bookshop.theguardian.com

This article was amended on 4 March 2017. It originally referred to Lagos as Nigerias capital. This has now been corrected.