#loneliness is frightening and painful and no joke but cowardice is no joke either

[andthebeanstalk]

My sister-in-law frustrates me to no end even though we barely ever interact because she keeps inviting my partner to parties with her Christian Republican friends, even though my partner told her not to send an invite to us if those friends will be there. And even though my sister-in-law is bisexual!!

And then she turns around and complains about not knowing how to deal with her friends saying, like, horrible sexist stuff as though that is just some natural unavoidable quirk of having friends!

Like, these Christian Republicans she has befriended don't seem to be kind - they're not even nice a lot of the time! They don't make for good friends, and she doesn't seem happy or supported in relation to them. In fact, she basically only ever talks about how her friends and/or current boyfriend are making her unhappy!

Because here's the thing: The effect of prioritizing 'including your Trump-supporter friends at your parties' over 'being invested in creating a safe space for marginalized people in your home', is that people who DO care about creating those safe spaces... won't wanna hang out with you! Because if you invite both cats and mice to your table equally, only the cats will show!

She's so afraid of losing the shitty friends she has now that she allows them to act as barriers to accessing friends who are invested in her wellbeing in a capitalistic hellscape!

It makes me sad because she's basically trapped herself, and there's nothing I can do to offer help without either compromising my morals or making my partner's life way harder by starting shit with her family.

Like, I consider myself a good friend, yeah? I try really really hard to be one, and it matters to me immensely. I am ride-or-die for the folks I love, and I am invested in being open and vulnerable and radically safe to be around when it comes to building strong friendships that are mutually fulfilling. I have a unique talent for validating people that I have honed for years because I genuinely want to make sure people feel safe and loved and seen.

And if my sister-in-law and I were friends, I could give all of that to her. I would strive to be an example of what it looks like when someone decides to care about you and treat you right on purpose, without expecting anything in return but your mutual respect. She would be family. She would be [Queer] Family. I would see to it that she knew she could call on me when she needed a friend.

But like.

This asshole has invited me to hang out with Trump supporters on multiple occasions.

We ain't gonna be friends.

#original #diary #family shit #I'll just continue to act friendly at family events #my friends help make me a better person. i don't think she could say the same for hers. makes me mad and sad #reminds me of the time i had to end a friendship bc a woman i had been inviting to group events revealed to me that she was #literally friends with Kelly Ann Conway. yes the aid to the president. that Kelly Ann. and when i tell you this friend of mine did NOT #understand why her defending Kelly Ann Conway made me feel unsafe. it was WILD #that's how my sister-in-law reacted when my wife was like 'hey stop inviting my non-cis ass to parties with transphobes' #both made arguments similar to 'i already don't have many friends why do you want me to lose more??' #like girlies you can't invite me and a bunch of homophobic Christians to the same party what is fucking wrong with you?? #you can goddamn bet if you came to one of my parties there wouldn't be anyone there who'd try to defend the Trump administration #loneliness is frightening and painful and no joke but cowardice is no joke either #and this attitude meant that my wife and i could not safely rely on her when we went through several crisis situations #and this is something i find difficult to forgive bc shit was touch and go over here for a couple years #my wife isn't even as salty as i am about it but she never is when the primary person harmed is herself #maybe if sister-in-law recognized the flawed behavior and changed but she probably won't tbh and i have shit to do #have fun with your fascist friends girlie i wonder if sometimes it feels more lonely than if you were alone #have fun practicing the white silence our parents got so good at; you're really carrying on the family business your dad must be so proud < #i haven't had to deal with friends saying sexist shit for literal years sorry you've made yourself unsafe to trans people i guess #making friends is hard i know that all too well. but i also know that the more friends i make who make me feel sad and small #then the less time i have for friends that make me feel loved and motivate me to be a better person. time=limited. people=over 6 billion. #school was harder because the amount of folks was more limited. same with small towns. but we are all ADULTS LIVING IN CHICAGO #capitalism makes finding friends harder too but like it has GOT to matter to you that Trans people and POC feel safe #we each have control over whether oppressed people feel safe around us. don't fucking waste that.