#man i realize this aint even ABT the song anymore.

[mastermindmp3]

Guilty as Sin? addresses the idea of emotional cheating, about longing for someone outside their current relationship. The speaker describes being in bored in her relationship, and fantasizing about a guy that she is texting* while her lover likely does the same**.

*In my romantic pirate heart, they're pen pals paramours as opposed to texting troublemakers. He "sent" her Downtown Lights, which could easily be read as being sent a streaming link, but I want to believe he sent her a burned tape. **As I've previously said, The Tortured Poets Department is an album in conversation with itself. The mutual emotional infidelity is only really implied by the speaker's questioning her right to be upset within Guilty as Sin? but is made clearer in other places throughout the album. Whether you allow other songs to affect your reading of the song is wholly up to you..

Diversion aside, I think the song touches on this theme very well, and I trust my fellow Department members will provide insights on the song's preferred reading in today's meeting.

In the reception theory of reader responses, a preferred reading is the audience understanding and agreeing with the author's (or producer, or lyricist, etc. ) intended vision for their media. Reception theory also says that readers can take oppositional and negotiated readings. Oppositional readings reject the author's stance entirely, while a negotiated reading may agree in part or whole, but still have their own "take" on the media.

Guilty as Sin? is intended to be about emotional infidelity. For the past few days, I have been analyzing the songs through their preferred reading. Today, I would like to destroy all of that, and present to you my Oppositional Reading of Guilty as Sin?

I know, very well, that the reading I am about to present is not Swift's intent, and indeed, I may be a koi swimming against the river's current. This post is not meant to be me saying that the song is my reading. I am within opposition to the text.

(I guess that technically makes this a negotiated reading? semantics—)

I am about to commit the cardinal sin of reading queer themes into a straight author's work. Crucify me if you please, but do so with the context that I acknowledged that this reading is not "canonical," to continue being biblical about it.

To reiterate, because this is the "how dare you say we piss on the poor" website. I do not believe that my reading is the intended reading of Guilty as Sin?

So:

When reading queer themes into straight work, I feel it is impossible to not draw from personal experience. This post is about Guilty as Sin? but it is also about me. It is about what growing up queer in the rural American southeast is like. It's hard to detangle those things.

I present to the department: A case for Guilty as Sin? as a song of queer longing. Half analysis, half personal essay.

On the surface, I feel this reading can be very simple. When the whole refrain is how can I be guilty as sin? and hegemonic Christian society deems queer love, queer living as sinful, the connection doesn't feel like that hard of a jump. The song travels through its religious theming, through the shame, through hushing yourself with the idea that thoughts don't count. The speaker works through those pains and repressions, so that she can come to the revelation:

What if the way you hold me is actually what's holy?

What initially got me thinking about this song in a gay way was one of the opening lyrics. ( Well, no, what initially got me thinking this was listening to it as I was writing fiction, but hush. )

This cage was once just fine.

As a bisexual woman, there was once a time where I really, truly, thought to myself that I would never come out. It was fine, to be honest. I still like men, so I just had to pray that my one big love was a man. That way, I could protect myself from my family’s imagined negative reactions. I don't think this is a unique experience, either. Particularly in the south, we hold ourselves in for the comfort of others, and our own safety.

I cannot speak for everyone, but I feel like that fear of rejection is common amongst the people I know. It leads to caging our feelings; locking bits of ourselves away from those who once knew us so closely, in order to preserve their original vision of us. As perfect, straight sons and daughters, as kids who would grow into the molds set forth. And for a while, we can hold together like this, the cage is fine. 

But parrots pluck their feathers when kept under lock and key, and so too do we. 

I dream of cracking locks, throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks.

Doesn't it feel like that? The first time you consider telling a parent, or any loved one, that you're not what they imagined. Like you could be dashing your chances at life. The image brings to mind that of suicide, of a “I can no longer live like this.” People thrown to the rocks do not survive impact, and often are disfigured, beyond recognition. It's such a visceral image for a song filled with longing. 

This song is textually about emotional infidelity, obviously, but I think it can also be about the longing we hold for the "unallowed." How we can both feel such beautiful love and hideous shame about the same thoughts. Repression is a funny thing, to smother the want can only make it come back harder, stronger.

What if I roll the stone away? They're gonna crucify me anyways.

I said that the Christian imagery is part of what made me think of the song as queer, and I stand by it. A lot of queer art deals with the trauma of religion; the idea of being guilty for the way you simply are, for the way you feel, naturally, drives one to consider the opposite. What if our way of being is holy. I'm particularly brought to mind Fipsi Seilern’s Portrait of Virgin Xtravaganzah (and the portraiture's subject - Virgin X - by extension.)

The connection is not hard to make; masturbation, the song’s main premise, is seen as sinful, as is infidelity. And so, too, is being gay. They are shamed the same way in conservative Christian society, as if they are of the same level.

In a way, it's very Christian of me to take a religiously charged song about emotional infidelity and make it about same gender attraction. On the level of infractions to the Christian hegemony, same gender attraction may be worse, truly, than infidelity. That to touch another man or another woman is worse of a crime, than to betray the trust of your opposite gendered partner.

Y'know, as a kid, I used to get nosebleeds every time I entered my family's church. It was high in the mountains of Tennessee, and I was prone to them anyways. It was my first experience with the hemming and hawing of Christian southern women, tsk'ing at me. I think we stopped going when I was like, ten, partially because of it.

And I look back now, and think about all these things I have learned since then. The pain that Christian dogmatism, that bigotry has caused, to me and the communities I love so dearly. Still causes, in the name of saving our souls, or more likely, extermination.

And think about bleeding every time I crossed the threshold into holy ground.

Does that make us all guilty as sin?

Nah. Any guilt we feel is only a consequence of the spoon fed hatred, and certainly no fault of our own.

( It is interesting, that this reading absolves the narrator of the song, where the original text is more ambiguous as to the level of infraction that the Speaker has committed. The answer to "How can I be guilty as sin?" here is more clear, especially to this specific audience. Swift's modern demographics trend towards young, leftist, and AFAB. Additionally, there's probably a whole essay in that idea itself, how queer people are treated with the same ostracism as adulterers. Going further, why are these "sins," a state of being and a social infraction, grouped with far greater transgressions in the Christian consciousness. Were I not a Biology student, that idea alone would be an excellent thesis topic. )

A defense of the idea of Queering Straight Songs:

When my family drove up the mountain to church, I listened to my Fearless disc on a pink Sony brand CD player in the back seat. How often are our first imaginings of queer love to straight media? Through characters or through idealized versions of us or through the music we're allowed, we find ways to feel queer love like sidewalk dandelions. Some call them weeds, but we all know they're flowers, beautiful and beloved, capable of coming back year after year.

We live in an age where queer stories and queer art are so visible, where we can look at Queering the Map and see all the places we are. And will continue to be. And have always been.

I think, in a way, claiming this song about straight infidelity as queer longing is almost a full circle moment, for me. In a time where queer liberties are at risk, we are still so loud and visible. It's nice, in a way, that I don't have to do this.

There are so many wonderful songs about this same longing, about locking your feelings up and bottling them away, by queer artists, even in this same genre. I don't have to stretch to see myself in these songs. They're radio play, they're opening Coachella.

( Also, protect small queer art. Protect bad queer art, too, while we're at it. We are so lucky that so much of queer lives are available at our fingertips, but without archival and protection, it can also be lost. )

I wouldn't say queer people are braver than we've ever been - that's a disservice to the people before us. We have ages of proof that this music, this art, has existed, and repressing it cannot stop it. We aren't any braver than our ancestors, just more widely seen, and more widely heard. Queer music, thanks to the internet, and thanks to wide, social pressure, is louder than ever.

But that doesn't mean we still can't queer the straight music we love too. This entire post (essay, can I call it an essay?) is about reception theory and seeing yourself in the other's work. It's a time honored tradition to make a song about yourself, to make it gay - I played Lover on violin at a lesbian couple's wedding, and my uncles danced at their wedding to Endless Love by Diana Ross.

I leave you with a final story, based on my favorite lyric.

What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh, only in my mind?

This line, in particular, made me feel many things, a rush of nostalgia and warmth. I've claimed many celebrities to be my bi awakening, but the first time I remember being attracted to a girl was at the Speak Now tour. She was a bit older than me, maybe 14, and sat across the aisle. Mid-show, she helped me write my favorite lyrics on my arm in the pitch black of Bridgestone Arena. I had seen the lyrics on Taylor's arm and got so excited about the idea, but my mother didn't have a sharpie. She did. In sort of loopy handwriting, she put, "You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter" down my right arm.

With purple glitter glinting off tanned, grinning cheeks, with her Speak Now glowstick hovering over my arm, I don't remember her name, or even if I asked for it. But she was so kind, crinkling eyes black as obsidian, twinkling the stage lights in their reflection, and made me realize exactly why that lyric resonated with me so deeply. How it was what I wanted to be in the future.

And I could see my future with her, or him, or them. And it is impossible to untangle Swift's music from that.

It's all empathy, all the way down. The kind of empathy that, I am not sorry to be corny and say it, Taylor Swift's music begs you to have. To take these songs that are very much written from her perspective, and see our own experiences mirrored through them, that's what her music asks. To see that we are not all that different, and to connect. How rare and mundane human connection, how we rip out our souls to achieve it. Swift's talked about it extensively, the catharsis of spilling ink, putting pen to paper and voice to recording all in effort to be seen.

I think that's the big motif: I feel seen by Guilty as Sin?, I felt seen back then listening to these CDs. That's the sorcery of storytelling. As an adult, who is so comfortable in her bisexuality that I flaunt it, I still like to do these oppositional readings, to see myself in songs not made about me.

And that's why Guilty as Sin? is, to me, a queer longing kind of song. Even if it isn't.

#taylor swift #ttpdminutes #Guilty As Sin? #this one got away from me #anyways this one goes out to my repressed queers it gets better. i promise you it gets so much better. #religion tw #tw christianity #brief mention of suicide #mentions of homophobia #man i realize this aint even ABT the song anymore. #but it would be too on the nose with the theme of this essay if i DIDN'T say these thoughts #queer every song you love. its good for you i promise. #long post

[stephaniedola]

fine i knew it would eventually come to this

OFMD as TMA avatars

Stede, of the Lonely -- obviously, Ed helps him work through a lot of this but he was literally a blacked out ghost in his own former life. weirdly, going out to sea is how he finds community and himself

Ed, of the Hunt -- hear me out: obviously theres a lot of hot controversy about the Ed/Blackbeard distinction, but you can't tell me this motherfucker aint goin thru a Daisy arc rn

Izzy, of the Slaughter -- the hands that kill. but why? why? hes not even sure he knows anymore. when did i lose all the parts that weren't anger?

Buttons, of the Flesh -- you know that theres anything that can sustain you. the ship stores are full, the oceans full of fish. yet when you look around, theres nothing more delectable than the taste of your own crew's flesh. that, or the mushrooms you grow in the lower decks are kicking in

Frenchie, of the Dark -- superstition helps fill in the gaps where naïve eyes cannot see. what lurks in the darkness if not something fearsome, like blackbeard, or worse, a black cat?

Oluwande, of the Buried -- i feel like theres a lot we don't know about Olu. a lot he hides, keeps inside. without Jim to keep him afloat, he feels as though he is drowning. in his own mind? in the sea? we just don't know

Jim, of the Stranger -- this face you see is not my own. i wear many faces. i wear the face of man, the face of woman, but these faces are not my own. i would forget my own face, were it not for the way you smiled at me.

Lucius, of the Eye -- this man has always been too nosy for his own good. curiosity killed the cat i suppose. also this bitch can read. i thought abt eye for frenchie too tho lol

Black Pete, of the Web -- never afraid to lie for his own benefit. clings to the people he loves with silk strong as steel

Roach, of the Corruption -- need i say more i mean come on

The Swede, of the Vast -- his siren song drags you across oceans to die, but you didn't even realize you'd drifted so far from shore in the first place. where is the shore?

Spanish Jackie, of the End -- all good things must come to an end. revenge? that extends your life indefinitely. for a price. how old do you think I am, Jimenez?

Fang & Ivan, of the Spiral -- working for Ed and Izzy will drive a man insane, that's for sure

Calico Jack, of the Desolation -- some men just want to watch the world burn

#i missed some people but thats 14 so take it! #ofmd #the Magnus archives #why did i let myself open this door #our flag means death #thots et al #i didnt know what to say for wee john idk what to tell ya sorry stans 😭

[theday]

i forgot to copy andpste the rules fuckjdjh anwyay taged by @younghyuuns and @pupcats :D thank u guys for tagging me i havent done this in ages

tagging: @minhyukwithagun (just saw ur new icon ffuck) @briwoon and @tokayhk u guys dont have to tho ily all oh also @hyunghoney and @hyungkyunnie and @minhyukt suddenly im tagging everyone u guys dont have to do it either ily toohdjh

last:

drink: water hddhh im so happie to hear everyones answer is water too stay fresh

phone call: ................ oh my mum i was gonna say i dont call ppl but she called the house phone yesterday

text message: ‘what’ jhddsjhjhsh

song you listened to: beside you by 5so/s im wheesinghs falen kdhs

time you cried: really cried??? january on a thursday aka last month i broke down in school djhhsjh schools the place i cry the most i couldnt go through one month without breaking downdjhdhs every year i have 2 cry there at least once apparently jesushdjs

have you ever:

dated someone twice: i havent even dated anyone once

been cheated on: see above

kissed someone and regretted it: see above

lost someone special: immmdmfmmdkks i guess not? in terms of friends they were special but not anymore so i guess that doesnt count

been depressed: nope

been drunk and thrown up: in this house we only drink water

in the past year have you:

made a new friend: heck yeah? i made so many good pals after revamping this blog im so happie :( 

fallen out of love: no lol i stopped having this crush on this person at the end of 2016 best decision of my life

laughed until you cried: one too many times but i cant remember any ;-/ 

met someone who changed you: falen?? but everyone has an effect on mehjd 

found out who your true friends are: well . yeah

found out someone was talking about you: idk i dont rememberjhdhjhs i dont care enough

general:

how many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: only karissa and she doenst even use tumblr much ;-/ 

do you have any pets?: i wish i did D: but not now.. jsjd maybe when im out of this country/place

do you want to change your name?: ifjkksj not rly..??????? i just hated it for a while when i was younger bc i didnt like the nicknames that came with my namejhddh

what time did you wake up this morning: 11am fuck my life

what were you doing last night: giffing :D and then i gave up bc it started messing up so i went to bed

name something you cannot wait for: school to start bc im excited since its a whole new jhhdhsh thng? but im also terrified im learning physics theres a reason why i took biology instead man my course is called biotechnology nothhjjhhjjhsjhhf physics dont interact 

have you ever talked to a person named tom?: the only tom i know is tom from tom and jerry

what’s getting on your nerves right now: the gifs 

blood type: a emoji

nickname: when ging said her answer i lost my mind how many of you arent using ur real names tf... does ging stand for ginger also this question is about me hold onfjdhhhjshd uh egg and meggan i guess? nutfucker toojhdjhhjdh bc that was my ig name so irl ppl would call me that and embarrass me thanks or just nut because of that username too

relationship status: never dated thank god

zodiac sign: capricorn sun and taurus moon im the .optimum dirt call me soil hdjsh also i showed ayesha my chart and she lost her mind saying the reason why i say oh worm so much is bc im like 50% earth i couldnt stop laughing tumblr install a filter search function in chats i need to dig that up 

pronouns: she/her

favorite show: haikyuu i aint gonna stop loving u bitch

college: idk what this means either im not gonna tell yall my school im gonna be doing biotechnology tho trust me i dont know what the fuck that course is about im a fool all i know is that it has to do with cells [changkyun voice] well its cells

hair color: black but i like to think its brown

do you have a crush on someone: crushes and the whole. love game is cursed 

what do you like about yourself: i learn... from my mistakes i guess idk also im generally friendly .         ...

firsts:

first surgery: none

first piercing: none im a [redacted] 

first sport you joined: fucking. golf or swimming or tennis i used to be all about sports now i just. walk 

first vacation: probably malaysia

first pair of sneakers: converse which i used to deem as clown shoes ... now all i wear are converse dkhhdshj

right now:

eating: amylase 

drinking: nothing i need to drink water im thirsty hold on stay hydrated if ur reading this drink some water

i’m about to: pee i need to go, 

listening to: spotify ad time hates me. ill go back to this later oh wait this isnt a spotify ad anymore scavenger by finish ticket who r they? idk either my friend recommends me songs and theyre good but by bands ive never heard of

want kids: no iwnt animals

get married: marriage ? sounds phake

career: ive been saying this since 2016 but farmer

which is better:

lips or eyes: i hate myself i read lips and thought of l** m*nhyuk ;-/ singularity’s impact! and nojhhsjjhdh idk? fucking both i guess ??????? i dont look at peoples faces often

hugs or kisses: depends on the kiss but i love huggingjdhjhd i dont think. id be able to hug certain people tho? which is weird im fine with likejhdhjsjh hugging this person (usually happens when we’re watching movies bc djdkjjs im a [redacted] again so i have to hide my eyes) but i cant imagine myself.. hugging my other friendshjhdh??? idk itd be awkward ig 

shorter or taller: taller ! love me that height if ur below 165 cm dont talk to me

older or younger: older ???? or my age idk 

romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous im always like this with my friendsjhfhjhdh me: hey lets walk there instead my friends: ready tof ucking kill me

sensitive or loud: a ? a mediudndjs like... an in between 

hookup or relationship: preferably nothing but relationship of coursehjhd

troublemaker or hesitant: an inbetween jjdshjshd?? idk shit lads

have you ever:

kissed a stranger: nope

drank hard liquor: drank sparkling water once it counts 

lost contacts/glasses: no im so blind they always have to be on my fucking face 

sex on first date: sex never . 

broken someone’s heart: yeah but when i was kid so it probably didnt mean much 

been arrested: iddjsh i was gonna joke but i cant think of anything so no

turned someone down: jhdhhdjs yeah but mostly like hangouts?? hdjhd not like dates and shit 

fallen for a friend: let me think the first girl i liked wasnt a friend but when we became friends i was like o womrie nvm but she did help me realize im Not straight as did tumblr which even tho i constantly insult it helped me a lot fjdhjhs but my two crushes after were on my friends ;-/ my first crush unfortunately on a guyddhhs wasnt my friend either tho damn now u guys know my whole backstory :D

do you believe:

in yourself: sometimes bitch has 2 get those grades man

miracles: yes you (love live) please come home........ ... .... 

love at first sight: dam. was gonna talk abt anime again but hjhdhshj no ? i guess not maybe like wow ur attractive at first sight but thats it

if u read until the end thank u ur the realest have a good day!!!!!

#moon texts #tag games #about me #ig #tumblr dont fuck the taggign up