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clevercatchphrase · 4 years

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2019 year in review

So… The 2010’s are almost over. Huh. What a decade it’s been. Hard to comprehend how much has changed in 10 years. I can barely believe that I was in high school at the beginning of this decade, and now I’m a college graduate with 2 degrees who’s been working at the same job for the last 3 years. But trying to summarize the past 10 years in a single post is a good way to give myself an existential crisis, so let’s not do that! Instead, let’s just focus on 2019 because there has been more than enough shit that’s happened to me in this year to talk about.

PART 1 OF 2: 2019 AND 2020 GOALS AND RESOLUTIONS

Huh, looking back through my archives, I apparently didn’t make a tumblr post about my goals this year. I definitely had some, though. Lemme list ‘em off real quick, and then we’ll go through them point by point.

1) Pay off all my student loans 2) Finish some song comics 3) Make art for my Redbubble account 4) Finish the first rough draft/script of a game I wanted to make 5) Practice ASL 6) Sew some stuffed animals 7) Finish some fan fictions 8) Work on Ghost Switch 9) AMVs 10) Do some original writing 11) Make illustrations for my fan fictions

Okay, first off, the student loans. I was actually SO CLOSE to successfully completing this one bUT THEN MY CAR HAD TO BE A WHINEY PISS BABY AND HAVE ITS ALTERNATOR DIE ON ME WHILE I WAS ON THE HIGHWAY AND THEN A BLOW OUT THREE WEEKS LATER.

GOD, if I had to summarize this year in two words, for me it would be “Car troubles”. I swear I spent more on auto repair in the first third of this year than I ever have just freakin’ OWNING a car. All four of my tires had to be replaced, my alternator failed and my car literally just SHUT OFF while I was driving, and I was barely able to coast into a gas station. Both my front breaks and rear breaks were worn down the metal and I only learned this when my car was barely able to stop after I had to slam the petal down full force! I went in for an oil change, and they found some problems and then I didn’t get my car back for three days! I don’t even like owning a car! I hate driving! I hate my country’s refusal to provide universal, free public transportation! I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!

Oh-kay… number 2. Finish some song comics. I didn’t finish any. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t work on them. I have made tiny progress, but that’s certainly better than no progress. One of these song comics I hope to be realizes is going to be a collab with one of my friends. It’ll be a long-time coming as it’s pretty low priority for the both of us, but if anyone else out there was disappointed with KH3’s ending, we’re gonna have ya’ covered… With SONG!

3. Make some redbubble art. I actually did this one! Not in the way I expected, but I added (technically) 3 new designs to my redbubble in the middle of the year. If you like butterflies and dragons, I got some product for you~!

Number 4, finish a script for a game I want to make. I… thought about this. I thought about this a lot, but I never put pen to paper, so… oops. It almost happened! I debated making this my main writing project for NaNoWriMo this year, but ended up having more inspiration for another story. Maybe next year? (god, I hope not. I don’t want to wait a full year just to write something)

Number 5, practice ASL. I just straight up didn’t do this and I only have myself to blame. Still keepin’ up that Danish Duolingo streak, though. 4 years going strong and not a day missed yet.

Number 6, sew some stuffed animals. Again, another one I just straight up didn’t do, but I have an excuse of trying to save money while my car crashed and burned in every other sense except literal this year. Hopefully 2020 will be different. I’ll definitely be able to pay off this last loan within the first half of 2020, and then I can start saving for whatever I want to buy.

Finish some fan fictions was number 7, and I did this! Well, I only finished, 1, but it was a story I’ve been working on for over 3 years, and it came out to over 200 THOUSAND words long, which is the longest thing I’ve ever written, and I’m quite proud of myself. Now that the big story is out of the way, and I��ve gotten into a good rhythm of working on Ghost Switch, maybe I can squeeze in some short writing sessions more frequently. (either that, or just wait for my car to break down again and then go on a writing spree in a pepboys. The lord and the fan fic discord know that’s solely why I finished my other fic this year)

Speaking of Ghost Switch, working on it was a goal this year too, and I did that! I kept it up all year and took a vacation in November and it was wonderful. While the major plot points have been in place since before I started drawing, I still need to script each arc beyond Snowdin, but hey, by the time we get there, it’ll be 2022 so I got time. (Note, don’t do this, kids. Script your stories and comics thoroughly before publishing. The road I’m on is paved with misery and pain and it will only end in tears unless I change lanes soon)

Number 9, amvs. Do people make AMVs anymore? Idk… the last one I made was... Jesus, 5 years ago? (it was a gravity falls/fall out boy crossover, if you were curious) I’ve been wanting to do 2 more for just as long, but in order for me to do that, I’d have to spend time re-watching the shows to find the footage, and then actually edit them together, and I just don’t…. feel like it. Maybe someday, but not any day soon.

10; do some original writing. I did this! For nanowrimo! I wrote the first draft of some original fiction I’ve been planning for a year or two now and it completely sucks! But it’s on paper now and I’m happy. Will I revise and edit it? Sure, but not for a while. I want to let it sit and forget about it and look at it with new eyes months from now so I can be sure I can make it better when time comes to rewrite.

11, make illustrations for my fan fics. Now that You Monster is done, I want to go back and add pictures to it. I didn’t do any this year, but I did keep a list of scenes I wanted to draw, so I have plenty of ideas to do as warm up sketches next year~ I kinda want to stream them~

So, that was 11 goals, and I successfully fulfilled 4 of them! That’s! Not a very good ratio… QmQ So, goals for 2020. Some I’m gonna keep from this year, some I’m gonna drop and some I’m gonna add. In short I would like to,

1) Finish paying off that last student loan 2) Put more stuff on my redbubble 3) Illustrate my own fan fics 4) Sew at least one stuffed animal 5) Make an enamel pin 6) Read one new book a month 7) Write one page a day/Complete at least one new fan fic 8) Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make 9) Finish fully scripting Ghost Switch 10) Boost my patreon

Most of these I think are pretty self-explanitory, but I’ll go into detail just a bit because I’m on a roll and typing my thoughts helps me feel less alone in the middle of the night when you’re super tired and you know you should probably go to sleep, but the toddler in you is throwing a tantrum and doesn’t wanna go to sleep just yet, but you can’t fight the progression of time either way.

Number 1- I should be able to reach this goal by the end of March. End of June at the absolute latest. Once that goal is met, my secret new year’s resolution will be unlocked as well!

Number 2- I want to put more art of my OCs on redbubble. These OCs are tied to the game I want to make. There’s already some art of them up there, but I want at least one piece for each character.

Number 3- Mostly for You Monster. Embrace the cardinal rule of fan fic and apply it to fan art. If you want to read about see art about certain ideas, scenarios, or what-ifs, you gotta make it yourself.

Number 4- I have 3 potential ideas to sew. One is definitely leagues easier than the other two and will probably be chosen if/when I have the time and materials.

Number 5- This year I got really, REALLY into the idea of making enamel pins. Unfortunately it’s a pretty big investment (like, $350 to make 100 pins you might not even sell). If this happens, it’ll probably be towards the end of the year, and if I get enough interest. I’m currently torn between making an original enamel pin and one based off Undertale. We’ll just have to see where this goes.

Number 6- Back in 2018 when I paid off one of my many student loans, I rewarded myself by spending over 200 dollars in used books. All these books had a theme; they were focused on dragons because I have a problem. I have not yet read a single one of these books I have bought, and I would like to fix that. I have, like, 20 unread dragon books, and even if I only read 12 out of 20, I would consider that an amazing accomplishment and money well spent.

Number 7- I currently have about 8 different WIPs I could work on. (well, I don’t know if I can even call them wips. More like, a general idea and a title written down.) I want to build good writing habits, and if I can write just 200 words a day, hell, even 200 words a week and just one of my 8 stories done, I would consider this goal met.

Number 8- I’m torn between making my game in unity or ren’py. I know jack shit about both. Ren’py is more user friendly, but unity will allow me more customization. (Lol, can you guess what kind of game I want to make yet?)

Number 9- I really just want the full story to be done and written incase anything goes horribly terribly wrong in my life and I find myself unable to continue making ghost switch in comic form. Then at least I can finish the story by other means, you know?

Number 10- It always surprises me every month when I get that patreon email saying I got paid. Sure, I don’t even make double digits on it, but it still awes me enough to know that people out there like my work enough to throw me a tip. I can’t thank my patrons enough for supporting me and I hope to one day be in such a good place I can update my comic/song comics/writing frequently enough without need for goals or milestones. But until that magical day arrives, money is always a great incentive for anything, I suppose. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ALRIGHT. PART 2 OF 2: SHIT THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN 2019

Cheesus crust what a year. This year started off great! Back in late January Kingdom Hearts 3 FINALLY released, and let me tell you a little story. Back in the summer of 2006 I was a 13 year old middle schooler with no way of making money other than by doing house hold chores at a rate of 25 cents a task. A few weeks ago, I had a sleep over at a friend’s house and they let me play this weird game called “Kingdom Hearts” and god, I was instantly hooked on it. That summer, I did over 800 chores, enough to earn myself 200$ and buy myself a playstation 2 (just in time for the ps3 to come out, gg me) The only games I had for the ps2 were KH1, 2, Re:CoM and Okami, and I beat them all… except Okami. Miffed that the PS3 wouldn’t allow for backwards compatibility, little 13-year-old me made a promise. I looked myself in the mirror and said “I will not buy the next playstation console until KH3 comes out, AND BOY that was probably a good choice for me to make with my level of gaming. I’m even less of a casual gamer than the average casual gamer, but I have been waiting 13 years for this piece of closure, and I even told my friends and family that “the day Kingdom Hearts 3 comes out is the day I will buy a playstation 4”. My dad apparently thought this was the funniest shit, because he literally took the day off from work that Friday to drive me on base to get the game and console (he thought it would be less crowded than a regular walmart, I suppose). I paid $400 on a ps4 pro while he bought me the game. Again, I have an impecible sense of timing seeing as the PS5 is now right on the horrizion, but just like before, I’m not buying a new console until the next KH game is released. See you in 2045, sony~. While I was at the gamestop on base, I also picked up Okami HD and The Last Guardian. For all of February and even early March, I took my time playing through KH3. And…! It was the best disappointment I’ve ever played. After a month away from gaming, I started The Last Guardian and finished it in a couple weeks. I love trico and would die for him, but trying to get 100% completion on that game is udder insanity. Okami, HD, however… again after a month break after finishing TLG, I started replaying Okami. I think I had only managed to get about halfway through the game before I just… stopped playing it on my ps2 version. I am currently SO CLOSE to getting a 100% on the ps4 version. In fact, I’ve beaten the game. I only (techinically) need 2 more trophies to be done; 1st, escape the water dragon without being eaten, 2nd, I need to beat that dumb stupid race with Kai, in order to get the last bead on my rosary, as well as the top dog trophy. I hate her so much. I hate this race so much. It’s awful and bad.

Flash forward to December! Earlier this month I was at Barnes and Noble, buying myself a planner for 2020. I exit the store and notice that there’s a gamestop across the street. For shits and giggles I go inside to look at their game selection, and I find KH 1.5 and 2.5. Now, my PS2 died a few years back (it just won’t read my discs anymore, I don’t know why) and I haven’t been able to replay any of my other kingdom hearts games since. If you had seen me the day I finished kingdom hearts 3, after the ending credits rolled, you would have heard me say “Man…. I wish I could play kingdom hearts 2 again”. AND NOW I CAN, ALONG WITH BBS which I had never even played yet, but knew the story of. I’ve restarted playing kh1, and I was so happy to hear that familiar music when I booted the game up for the first time. While at the game stop, I also picked up Rime and Tearaway, two games that had looked interesting to me. At the time of writing, I’ve finished Rime and am 25% done with tearaway. Rime was…. An interesting experience. I learned about it through Jacksepticeye’s channel a couple years back and thought the art style was enticing. For a super casual gamer like me, I found the puzzles just the right level of challenging and exploring was a blast! The music gave me VERY strong Princes Mononoke vibes, but the overall story left something to be desired. Overall I had fun, and enjoyed completing this game to 100%. Now for tearaway. Can I just say this game is super fucking adorable? I know the original was on the ps vita and the gameplay there was arguably more diverse and imaginative, but this game is just so fucking cute I don’t care?? ALSO, this game’s sound track is ABSOLUTELY incredible and I’ve only heard the first fourth of it! Listen to The Orchards, Pig Riding, and Gibbet Hill Pilgrimage for a taste of their wonderful beats and fantastic use of string and woodwinds! God, I’m so excited to get some more games in 2020. I’m proud to say I currently own more ps4 games than I ever did with my ps2 (and now the majority AREN’T Kingdom Hearts titles!), and I’m still hoping to play Journey, The Witness, and Abzu before everything becomes ps5.

What else happened to me this year. Oh, I went to a doctor for, like, the first time in seven years. I also had my blood drawn for the first time ever, and the nurse said the most disturbing thing to me while she did it. Now, whenever I get shots, I refuse to look. I did that here. So she thought it would be appropriate to say to me “Can you feel your blood leaving your body?” Lady… You can clearly see I am uncomfortable with what is happening here. Why, of all the things you could say, did you choose to say that. Unfortunately, while my doctor is nice, she keeps wanting to run tests on me, that I just cannot afford with my current salary, and my monthly insurance is about to go up to 200$ a month, so I’ve cancelled my next appointment with them, and don’t plan to go back until it’s absolutely necessary. Capitalism is fun, guys. Preventative healthcare is for wusses.

I started going to a chiropractor on a monthly basis. Story time- I don’t know when it started, but sometime late last November I began to notice that I had a headache that just... wasn’t... going away? And each day it was starting to get a little worse. It made it hard for me to find a comfortable position to sleep, it made it hard for me to be in bright areas or move fast. So I said to myself “Okay, if this headache persist through the month of december, then something is proooobably wrong and I should go see someone about it. And hoo-boy were thing wrong with me. By the time this January rolled around, I couldn’t even stay on my feet for more than a few hours without it physically hurting to just BREATHE. So I started going to this chain called The Joint (A+ name, I know). THey aksed me “How are you doing?” I said “I’m in pain” and they said “We can help fix that!”. I’ve only been to a chiropractor once before in my life a few years back after my freshmen year of college because I began to notice my hips weren’t able to support me? LIke, I would lie on my back, and I couldn’t push my hips up when my feet were flat on the floor. I also couldn’t climb anything steep, because my legs just couldn’t push me up if my knee had to bend more than 90 degrees when I lifted my leg up. (Turned out both my hips were apparently out of place). This time only one of my hips were out of place (which they fixed. they said one of my legs was an inch “longer” than the other because I had been leaning all my weight on one leg when I stand). But two of my ribs were apparently “Stuck” which was why it was hurting for me to just breathe, and one of my shoulders was missaligned too, causing one of my trap muscles to constantly be streched, which was pulling on my skull, and causing the headache. Anyway, after they popped all my bones back into place, I still felt terrible, but by god, that night was the first time in weeks I was able to sleep without a migrane. A chiropractor can’t magically heal your arthritis, or fibro, but I definately think they have merit to keeping your posture good and helping your body with things like circulation. 10 outa 10, would recomend. It’s all the fun of getting your neck snapped without the dying!

Earlier this month I got together with two of my friends and we baked Christmas cookies. It was a lot of fun, as well as a great learning experience. A member of my family has a gluten allergy, so we used rice flour for most of the cookies. We learned this is a bad idea! The cookies will just fall apart! A few member’s in one of the friend’s family have nut allergies. Other friend and I knew this and were careful to avoid cookie recipes with nuts, bUT THEN COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT ALMOND MILK AND ALMOND EXTRACT COUNT AS NUT. IN FACT, ALMOND EXTRACT IS PURE CONCENTRATED NUT JUICE AND WE FELT SO BAD FOR ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY POISONING THE FAMILY.

Earlier this year me and these same friends took a field trip to Hobby Lobby and just dicked around the store for a couple of hours. It was super fun, 11 outa 10, would recommend, a great date idea for your artsy S.O.

Back in May I went to a wedding for the first time in my life. (well, not true, but the first one I could remember) we left at 5am, drove 5 hours to get there, hung out at a zoo and spent the night in a la quinta before the wedding day. I slept on the bathroom floor because my mom was snoring too loud in the main room and keeping me awake, and the rest of the day was just spent me trying to keep myself together because I was pissed off and tired.

Other than all of that, nothing really major happened to me this year. I guess one more thing I’ve tried to do this year is started the process of breaking certain internet addictions so I can use my free time for more personal projects. Seriously, I found myself watching way too much youtube and following blogs that didn’t even make me happy. I had a personal intervention with myself where I sat down and asked myself, “why do you watch these videos and youtubers? Why do you follow these blogs? Do you really enjoy their content? Do you really care? If you stopped watching/following them, would you even notice?” After critically thinking it over, I’ve found myself unfollowing several channels and blogs and suddenly I feel so much happier. I thought I would miss it, but I realized I didn’t really care if I saw their content or not. I wasn’t missing much. And now I feel like I have more time to draw, read and write. If you think you spend too much time consuming and not enough time creating, I suggest you try and de-clutter your internet habits as well. It’s done wonders to un-fuck my headspace.

And… well, that about sums up my year. How are your holidays going? Anything fun, exciting, dramatic happen to you this year? I hope your new year is warm and safe! Good night, everybody!

#new year's resolutions #year in review #long post #(seriiously this think is like 3k words)

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kittenshift-17 · 5 years

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I was wondering what your process of choosing to self publish was?

I’m not really sure what you mean by “my process of choosing to self publish”…. If you’re asking why I went the indie publishing route rather than the traditional route, the answer is three-fold.

First, I submitted my manuscript to several publishing agents within my own country, and a few abroad. I heard back from two of them, both based in London, both offering me a contributory contract. What that means is, they print my book, they market my book, but I have to fork out an inordinate amount of money for the privilege. Both companies I heard back from wanted me to pay, upfront, in a lump sum of 5000 pounds each before they would “take the risk” of investing in a novel that “sounds very enticing, but has no guarantee of selling.”

Which leads to my second point. The publishing market is flooded with authors all trying to push their work in front of a publisher and in front of a reader. The competition alone is tough. What’s worse is that in the past publishing houses have too often bet on the wrong horse, so to speak. They receive millions of stories every year, and go through them, select novels they think they can effectively market, and more than about half of those they bet on, flop. You walk into your local ‘popular’ or big-chain bookstore and you’ll see what I mean. There are books on those shelves that no one is reading, no one is buying, no one is interested it. Meaning the publishing company loses money. As a result, after years and years of this, most publishers refuse to accept manuscripts from new, or even established authors unless they can prove their book will sell. Why invest money just to lose again when there are tools allowing authors to prove their worth within the market? Every publishing house I submitted my work to (excluding those that wanted me to pay for it) had listed in their fine print that unless you had a book agent, you wouldn’t even be considered. Book agents are expensive. Half the time, I struggle to pay the bills to keep the bloody lights on. Most authors do. Hell, most people do.

Which leads into my third point. IF by some miracle, you come into some money to pay an agent to shove your work at a publisher, you get contracted. And when you get contracted you have to sign a very long document that strips the author of all creative rights to their work. Meaning that you get no say in cover design. No say in bits of content that are ripped out. No say in how it’s marketed, who it’s marketed to, what price they put on it. Nothing. You get a settlement cheque from the company because they purchase your manuscript - and unless you’re a big name like Rowling, you get a pittance. Typically you might be given between 5-15k dollars for the manuscript and you get a royalty on sales. A very small royalty. Usually between 20-40% depending on how well the book does, the company you sign with, and what genre it is.

Now, for a book like mine…. They’re a dime a dozen. A werewolf romance novel? One of the most easily accessible things on the market if you know where to look. Unfortunately, the places to look are not the big chain bookstores. They don’t stock a whole lot of smutty werewolf romance on their shelves (because gods forbid the average reader have access to interesting and diverse reading options). You might find a few werewolf novels amongst the Young Adult section if you rip out all the smut; and if you include adventure and war and other rubbish, you might land on the Sci-Fi/Fantasy shelves, but it’s unlikely. There’s an enormous market for it. I’ve spent years collecting novels like the ones I enjoy writing. In fact, I started writing them because initially, I searched the big book stores, couldn’t find anything like it, and wanted to read it, so I wrote it my dang self.

But the publishers and the bookstores don’t want to take a chance on the genre as a whole, from what I can see. Everyone jumped on Vampires following the success of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Sookie Stackhouse books, and even the Twilight Saga, and if you look hard, you might still find a few of those types dotting the shelves, but again, not that many. I don’t know what the book companies do with all the books they do take a chance on that don’t sell. Maybe they have a monthly bonfire or something and lament the dollars wasted before demanding another, better book from their contracted authors, but I sure as hell haven’t been buying them. Excluding buying gifts for my partner from the Sci-Fi section to the tune of Brandon Sanderson and Patrick Rothfuss, I haven’t actually purchased a book from a book store in a long while because when they hit on an idea, they flood the market with crappy b-grade choices that mimic the initial spark. I mean, you look at the shelves for teen fiction. Sarah J Maas is killing it with her fairie novels, but now the market is full of fairy writers and none of them hold a candle to the Maas novels. And if you’re unfortunate enough to pick the b-grade choice first, you turn your nose up at the rest and nothing gets bought.

Maybe the same happened with werewolves. Who knows? I don’t remember it. I remember a few in the teen section when I was scouring it every other day, and I picked up a couple that were addictive and delicious. But for the adult section? Nope. You get the “Woman goes on holiday, has fling, yaaay” and the “This terrible thing befell a career woman. Now she’s pregnant” and all that other rubbish. I know Anne Rice tried her hand at werewolf fiction after her success with the vamps, and it flopped hard. I was gifted a copy when I turned 18 and I still haven’t read the whole thing. *shrugs* Unfortunately, the publishing houses know her for her novels, and they think that if she can’t do it, no one else will succeed, either. It’s painful.

In any case, I chose to Indie publish my novel because I can’t afford to fork out thousands of dollars for a literary agent, or a contributory contract. And because through Amazon, I retain creative freedom. I designed the cover, I polished the book and decided what got ripped out, what was re-written, and what was kept. I get to set the price on the book, and I can unpublish it, release a new edition with a different cover, I can do anything. When you Indie publish, you’re in control. Complete control. It does mean having to push your own wagon, and that’s some damn hard work trying to break into the market, garner a reader following, get some hype going about it, and keep people interested in it. When the big companies are producing Book Trailers for their novels, it’s pretty damn hard to hold up an Indie novel and lure readers to give it a go. But I’m trying my hand at it. If it garners enough attention, a company might contact me. I know my fellow author, Gerilyn Marin, had that happen with her first novel. She indie published it, and when it did well, a publishing company contacted her.

That being said, many authors who have contracts with publishing houses have been pulling out of them to go it alone. It’s more cost effective. You can publish on Amazon.com for free. All you need is a cover, a manuscript, and a KDP account. You can set your royalties to 35% or 70% and keep a larger portion of your profits depending on what your target market is, and what kind of pricing you want to put on your works. You’re in charge.

So I guess my process was one of elimination. If at first you don’t succeed, try; try again, and all that. Maybe I’ll hit it big. Maybe I won’t. I’ll keep writing. I’ve got plenty more Original Fiction works up my sleeve. If this first series I’m releasing doesn’t shoot me to the moon, maybe the next one will. *shrugs* right now, I’m just happy that some people are giving it a go. It’s nice, after so long writing and sharing fanfiction, to be making some money off the time and effort put in to perfecting my writing.

Anyone interested can find my debut novel here:

Paranormal Division: Awakening by Ellie J Duck

xx-Kitten.

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fortheheavenssake · 4 years

Text

Love and Humour (LH) Anon

*** all submitted by Love and Humour (LH) Anon to @skippyv20. (much ❤️ ❤️ & 😆 😆, enjoy)

April 10, 2020

Dear Skippy, made with Love and Humour, not a grain of truth (or insight) in sight.

Meghan Markle has a ‘spring in her step’ after leaving the UK (Credit: Daily Mail)

ROYALTEE COMMUNICATIONS

Friday 28th March 2020

The Duchess of Sussex Podiatry Update

The Duchess of Sussex would like to thank the global public for the warm wishes received from 9 people. Follow up bunion surgery was a success and High Royaltee Heels (HRH) are once again allowed to be worn.

In addition, High Royaltee Heels (HRH) will be featured in strictly unlimited Splash News paparazzi images as The Duchess adjusts to life queuing for essentials such as scented soya candles, AA batteries for Darren Doll and chia seed salad dressing. Please be assured that the Duchess of Sussex has a new spring in her step as she steps springingly into spring.

Royal snub: Real reason Meghan Markle and Harry silent in wake of Queen’s historic speech (Credit: Express UK)

Our favourite two tone, tone deaf, mood trampler has been hard at work for at least 3 hours in the last month supporting the work of HMTQ, as promised via her exit from the BRF.

The dust mites had barely settled on her calligraphy pen before Scooby arrived home with an ink refill for her to get going. Unfortunately for Scooby the stationary shop had run out of royal blue glitter ink and his mistress was not happy with the shade of ‘peasant noir’ he chose instead. She chucked a cup of tea in his general direction and used half the ink to decorate his top lip with a Poirot-esque facial appendage. Thus whipped into quiet submission to seek permanent ink removal techniques she was in a position to impart some wisdom to HMTQ.

It was a frantic, boots to the ground, empowering, enlightening and de-gassing few hours for MM. The ink flowed across the paper as it was traced from a calligraphy A-Z underneath, the wine glass circles made pretty patterns on the pages, the phone rang once but it was only that chap from the council rejecting the petition for a Princess of Sussex. At the conclusion of this time, MM grinned with purple stained teeth satisfaction at the soggy 30 page tome. This was to be just another notch in her legacy - the Queens speech, at a time of crisis, calligraphically curated by Meghan Markle, HRH, Duchess of Sussex, Princess of Sussex. The speech was sent off toot-sweet to HMTQ.

A royal source has leaked that it is very hard to know the level of adulation to come. LG has indicated in his proof of receipt letter that a special recording of the speech will be sent to MM after its broadcast on the 14th May. She will look forward to commenting on her role in curating the speech at that time. Until then, MM wishes her privacy to be respected and has no comment to make.

Royal reading inspiration: Kate, Meghan and Camilla’s favourite books to entertain you during lockdown (Credit: Hello Magazine)

Meghan:

Trinny and Suzanna - How to dress for your body shape (brick on sticks edition)

“My best dearest friend and confidant, the Countess of Wessex, was engaged by HMTQ to advise me on dress protocol and general demeanour in the BRF, I haven’t looked at it yet because I don’t need advice”

Jamie Oliver - Pukka Tukka

“This title grabbed my attention from the outset. I haven’t opened it yet but think it will have overly invaluable advice on how to tuck your moon bump into your knickers. I don’t wear knickers and, after one incident that I totally got away with, my moon bumps now have reinforced crotch straps so I will not need to read this book.”

John Campbell -The Iron Lady: Margaret Thatcher, from Grocer’s Daughter to Prime Minister

“I love this book because the title is nice and the photo on the cover is in black and white. My US team are reading it for me and writing a similar story ‘The Tungsten Tank, from Lighting Directors Daughter to … well something, they haven’t worked out the narrative yet.”

Lindsay Jill Roth - What Pretty Girls Are Made Of

“This is actually the best book in the world. I haven’t read it but the launch party was cray-zee. When you buy it via any outlet, be sure to include the promotional code ‘HRHMM’ so that you get a special marked up price with proceeds going to my charitable foundation xx”

Thank you so much. We need laughter especially in these times. Prayers, love, support and laughter…is what will carry us through….love this! 🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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April 15

Dear Skippy, a riddle interpretation made with love and humour in celebration of MM Anon returning. So wonderful MM Anon, thank you. Skippy, Thank You for being your usual wonderful self, and keeping that door open. This interpretation contains no truth and only fun. LH Anon

doctor gone batty………

Actual Dr Jane Goodall interview

“My colleagues at the Royal Society for the Protection of Bats were delighted with the arrival of a rare male bat pup. Like all pups born at the Royal Society HQ, he was named after a member of the BRF, this one was dubbed Prince Harry.”

“Since his release into the wild, Prince Harry is finding life outside of the Royal Society challenging. He is sighted almost daily near the Royal Society HQ and doesn’t seem to have yet ‘flown the nest’ so to speak.”

“Night tracking indicates that there is a recently acquired spouse on the scene who has restricted his hunting abilities. We are concerned that he has lost weight.”

“The spouse displays desperate flirtation and attraction techniques but all indications to date show that Prince Harry does not want his offspring to grow up like that, in the wild.”

“We have to bring him back into the fold of the Royal Society for this rare breeding line to continue.”

LA for dummies ………

INTERNAL MEMO - Sunshine Sachs LA Office

Action with urgency

Contact Splash News, advise client has received parcel previously delayed in UK under non-essential freight notice. Call time on location 1100 hours.

Contact Meghans Mirror, advise client will be dressed in Dorias hand me down yoga-wear (details to come). Pitch as ‘recycling clothes’ and tell them to get A into G with sourcing designer samples, it has been months now.

Contact upmarket baby shop, advise client will return goods, including feature baby pacifier for full refund after images published.

Contact Archewell Foundation, advise client appearance fee from shop is to be publicised as donation following boom in sales

All invoices and timesheet hours are to include the job code reference ‘MM042 - Dummy for her dummy’

Doctors Within Borders ……… social insistence …………

Following the epic success of her voiceover in ‘Elephants Without Borders’, PH has been caught out again pitching his wife’s talent in the hopes of furthering her A List career. In a phone call to the BBC investigative branch he was insistent that her expertise and contacts could be used in the planned documentary ‘Doctors With no Borders’. The documentary, conceptualised by writers who hang out on certain Tumblr blogs, focuses on medical professionals who have been paid off to endorse medical fiction. In regards to the segment about surrogacy cover ups PH was to have said “Oh yeah, she’s invested. I mean interested.”

hugs not bugs………

“I was just cruising around, enjoying the musty odour of the building. I’m attracted to sparkly things so went to check out this headpiece, worst luck, it was cubic zirconia not real diamonds. Then it happened, I flew a little lower towards the face. I still have bad dreams about that close up view. I was trying to get away and she kept waving her hand around, it was like she was trying to catch and cuddle me against my wishes.”

Fly remembers the wedding of MM and PH

absolutely isolated

The new TV series, funded by O, features MM, a heavy-drinking, drug-abusing PR pawn who spends her time failing to lose weight and chasing bizarre fads in a desperate attempt to stay young and “hip”.

MM is joined by magazine fashion director JM, whose drug abuse, alcohol consumption and desperate promiscuity far eclipse MM’s.

MM is reliant upon the support of her half sister SM, an aspiring writer whose constant care of her immature sister has left her a bitter cynic.

The series also stars DR in a supporting role as MM’s dotty, sarcastic and often thieving mother who appears, usually in the background, in nearly all of the episodes.

Scooby as MM’s utterly brainless personal assistant also features in many of the episodes.

Only review

“I give this one star because it is real reality TV. I can’t give it anything more than that as the storyline is blatantly ripped off from Ab Fab. The title is a highly offensive play-on-words amid a global pandemic, but I guess it shows the same sensitivity as writing motivational messages on bananas for ladies of the night”

Kate. ……… “ not a whisper ma’am ……… St George’s chapel of course!!……………

Jeopardy MM Edition!?!

Answer: Kate

Question: Whose husband does MM most want?

Answer: Shout

Question: What initiative did MM try to hijack during her time in the BRF?

Answer: St George’s Chapel

Question: Where was MM when she realised that her game was up?

Oh thank you! Such fun! You are brilliant! We need the laughs for sure!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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May 10

Dear Skippy, a riddle interpretation made with Love and Humour. No truth, no seriousness, not a speck of speculation, just some ramblings to maybe lighten the mood for some today. Thank you MM Anon for the fodder! LH Anon :)

MM ANON ……… Rachel 43………… archificial 15 months ……… The high value real estate world is buzzing with speculation today after information was publicly sought to identify a tenant who has abandoned several properties, leaving hundreds of thousands of dollars in rent arrears. Multiple properties have been affected in locations such as Vancouver Island, LA and Malibu. The only clue, common to all properties, is a wall size chart, mounted by the door in the kitchen. There are two markings on these charts, both at 1.68m tall these are labeled ‘Rachel, 43’ and ‘Archificial, 15 months’.

hospitality will become inhospitable ………… the R factor ………… MM has announced her new super smart communications team, herself and a cabbage.

In unrelated news, a new book will be hitting the shelves this summer.

‘Finding a Freeloader’ is an R18 biopic, written by royal reporter Omid Scobie. “With unique access and written without the participation of of MM who lived under Scobies couch for 18 months, Finding a Freeloader is an honest, up-close, and disarming portrait of a cash-strapped, internet obsessed, and fat headed ex royal who is unafraid to break with tradition, determined to create a new path in the largest spotlight possible, and dedicated to building a legacy that will make a profound stain on the world.” reads an excerpts from the summary of the book.

“Henry, don’t do that”. …… Whispers from royal aides have let us know that HMTQ gave PH a ticking off inside the Windsor Castle bolthole they are residing. Apparently he was tinkering with a 3M home printer, wrapping it up to send over to MM. HMTQ is said to have right royally disagreed with sending her presents.

return to school??? …………… no guidelines …………… If you are at home and bored you can train online as a counsellor. Today I feel ________.

If you are at home and bored you can plaster a wall to make it look like your hubbys house. Today I feel ____smart_____

If you are at home and bored you can play with zoom video filters. Today I feel ___airbrushed_____.

If you are at home and bored you can read a book to your child. Today I feel ____damp____.

If you are at home and bored you can take the neighbours dog for a walk with an actor. Today I feel ____thrivin_____.

be alert,the country needs lerts………… MM and JM are hard at it again, drumming up business opportunities to stimulate their personal economies during these trying times. The newest initiative is bumper stickers. Chuck one on your car, slogan up your stroller, pimp your private jet, heck if you want to really get on board, slap a bumper on your moon bump and wiggle wobble that tum up to your audience!

A slight hiccup has delayed production of the stickers, the 3M home printer seems to have a malfunction which drops a letter from some words. Until this issue is remedied, the motivational bumper stickers will be available for a discount price of $143 + p&p

“Money can’t buy rust”

“The sign of a beautiful person is that they always see beauty in oters”

“The key to success is to tart”

risk assessment!!! ………… an issue of safety ………… it’s the economy,stupid!! ………… Very exciting news came for MM via a low rent TV shopping channel!! She has been asked to front one whole segment, approximately 19 minutes long for their buy 3 get 11 free homeware extravaganza! She is so excited, knowing that this is just one step from Oprahs couch, a short leap away from becoming the next Shakespeare, a stones throw from presidency! A minion provided all the information needed over the phone, he unfortunately had a small speech impediment but this didn’t stop MM from listening intently to the bits of the conversation that interested her.

It was a busy preparation day. MM mused what to film. The minion had mentioned that a whisk assessment would be a good idea in the current covid climate but what whisks had to do with a virus she wasn’t sure. She settled on making a homemade wedding cake. JM emailed the recipe for the one she made the day before MMs wedding, Archie took the car and collected 3 whisks, Doria converted her basement to a kitchen studio, TM dropped off some lights, Scoobie cried and did her makeup, MA took the dogs for a walk and SS called about her outstanding bills.

And all was ready.

Whisk One 0/10 - basic egg whisk

MM could not get it out of the hard plastic packaging and was unable to test it.

Whisk Two 0/10 - fancy dough whisk

MM forgot to buy ingredients and was unable to test it. By the time Archie returned from shopping she had left the premises to pap walk.

Whisk Three 0/10 - electric whisk

MMs wig was caught in the blades of the whisk.

The segment was cancelled.

test, Trace and isolate. ………… a silver lining 🌈🌈 Sugars are calling MM a silver lining in this pandemic as she continues to translate official advice into a format that they understand. With new guidelines announced overnight, MM has been burning the midnight oil to get a new video out for them. Offical transcript below, video will be emailed via offical spokesperson once heavy doctoring is complete.

MM: Government guidelines show that we need to follow these simple 3 steps - Test, Trace, Isolate - to help in the fight against covid-19. I love to shorten things, I make things so much more relatable. Did you know that I call my husband ‘H’? No? Well I do and he is my husband and me and him are together and have a kid OK. Anyway, back to this virus, Test, Trace, Isolate! To make it easier for people to remember I have shortened the steps, T - T - I or as I like to call them ’TTI’s’. My titties are now trademarked and copyrighted so spread the word and lets get the use of them bankrolling some money in for me! Stay safe and follow my titties everyone, they are magical!

MA: Bravo!

Oh thank you so much! Much needed laughs today! Such a joy! You always brighten Mr. Skippy’s and my day! We love these. Thank you!😊❤️❤️❤️❤️😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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July 9

Dear Skippy, here is an MM Anon interpretation made up with Love and Humour and plenty of un-reality. All entertainment with no truth here. Thank you so much Skippy and MM Anon for the fun :) Much happiness to everyone here, LH Anon

girl up the creek………hostage man. ………… half free meal………… drug exposure …………… … Meghan Markle and Michelle Obama Are Joining Forces - Both women are set to speak at a gender equality summit later this month.

MM, currently the Duchess of Sussex and former HRH, will feature in a video possibly made by her and unrelated to any content provided by MO in a groundbreaking word salad covered in a virtual salad dressing of topics

How to carve your own canoe paddle from dead wood

Creating the ultimate free loaded captive environment for spouses in a long distance situation

Debunking the myth: There is no such thing as a free lunch, you can have your coke and eat it too

Scrub the internet 101: The chemical way

staff redundancy at HMTQ …………… HMTQ has announced plans for several staff redundancies, to be actioned between now and the end of this year. These include, but are not limited to, LG, PH and the entire ’Sussex’ household support. When questioned about the redundancies, the royal spokesperson refused to be drawn as to reasons or whether the staff would be re-deployed to other roles. In an unguarded moment the spokesperson was heard to mutter ‘tick tock, boom’ leading to speculation that the scheduled maintenance of royal clocks and cannons was a preoccupation.

boarding rules …………… most popular royal ……………… They grow up so fast! Archie Darren Doll off to boarding school. MM has had this important decision underway for a long time. Shunning the ‘toxic environments’ that exist in royal educational circles, she is delighted and certain that this will be the most popular decision she has made yet. The boarding space has been booked since before Darrens conception at $30 per month (reduced to $0 a month for patrons) at the ‘prestigious Mayhew’ outfit.

mines a cider……… In breaking news, PW enjoys cider and chips in Norfolk pub beer garden. In unrelated news, MM has added another topic to her gender equality seminar

Brewing alcohol in lockdown; the perfect gift for the family member you want to have

( where’s pg 💜💜) …………… Scoobie has not seen MM in person for many days now, she refuses point blank to emerge from under his couch in daylight. Shrieking sounds have been heard in the dead of the night, marks on the walls indicate someone with a greasy wig is repeatedly banging their head, the recycling bin is mysteriously filling up with wine bottles and some weirdo called Marcus keeps leaving voicemail messages on the landline phone about paying a debt. It must have been a week ago when Scoobs found a post-it note on the kitchen table when he woke one morning. It was very cryptic,

‘Get onto the panda, find PG, source W Cream, doc bill unpaid”

He is having difficulty working it out but is keeping himself, boots on the ground, busy trying, he went to the zoo but it was closed because of covid-19

In unrelated community news,

Toys R Us have issued a trespass notice to a member of the public for refusing to pay for a soft animal toy after it was soiled by a customer repeatedly sitting on top of it and taking selfies.

Numerous police have been approached in recent days by a male of indeterminable age who has requested a ride on top of their vehicle. None agreed. A referral is pending for his psychiatric assessment

The local supermarket has placed a ‘2 per customer limit’ on teabags after an unidentified customer purchased their entire stock of the popular brand PG Tips

The Department of Conservation has issued a public statement that threats to sue have been made against them, which will be rigorously defended. It is said that a concerned member of the public has accused them of having an unpaid invoice for ‘humanitarian work’ carried out in a secret place at an undetermined time.

”it’s Balmoral Philip, but not as we know it) …… out of his Depp-th… Due to a confidential threat to the family, HMTQ has beefed up surveillance and security at most royal properties of late. PP and HMTQ enjoy tapping into the new systems and are taking great pleasure in observing the nightly actions of one individual via underwater CCTV footage. He slinks out to the edge of the lake in darkness, wearing jandals, jeans and an open necked shirt. Each night he tries to scuba dive his way into the estate. Encountering steel mesh each night, it is only a matter of time until he tries to breach the area where PP commissioned his sign ‘Bog Off MA, we have your f***ing picture’.

“ more 🎼Braziiiiil🎼…………… Spanish flu?? ……… 🎼we’re all going on a summer holiday 🎼 HMTQs favourite ‘for fun Phillip’ insect infiltration agent has been dispatched to LA. Layovers for wing rest were authorised in Spain and Brazil. Fly is reported to have arrived safely with only a minor cold due to flying at altitude. Mission: ultimate MM annoyance for summer months.

Oh oh….my sides! Oh you are too funny! Omg! My pups are looking at me like they must call woof-woof-woof…..Mr. Skippy begging me to stop reading….half rolling on the ground…..daughter and SonIL asking if we need an ambulance……such great fun….oh…and cat screaming he called for one! Thank you so much! You made my night! Love to you!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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