#or at the very least stop thinking of the four gospels as the extent of the Bible it is genuinely aggravating

[rudjedet]

the Bible is a historical document, just not in the way a lot of people think it means when historians say that. regardless of your belief system and no matter your personal feelings, the Bible is a primary source and primary sources cannot be discounted on grounds of "but I don't like it". people not understanding this concept is why you can’t adequately discuss anything concerning said source with them because they kneejerk into “IT’S ALL FAIRYTALES AND LIES!!!” or sometimes “everything happened exactly like that and there’s no debate”. in both cases a regrettable lack of nuance, but far worse so in the former case because those people pretend to be in the camp of “rational science”. something something please develop some historical literacy before you engage in discussions pertaining to (ancient) history.

#so many of you in the notes are just fucking not getting what I'm saying #i mean it when i say y'all should park your preconceived notions about the Bible and read up on how primary sources are used #or at the very least stop thinking of the four gospels as the extent of the Bible it is genuinely aggravating

[holdenmgrudges]

Chapter 6 - Crushsies

I have returned with not just one chapter, but two. Here is the first.

Or read on AO3 if you prefer.

Ever since their sleepover, David just couldn’t think straight. When he wasn’t thinking about school, he was thinking about Jack. But they weren’t all good thoughts. In fact, he’d been making a pro-con list in his head about Jack. Not that it helped. Either way he was still thinking about him. And it was driving him crazy. David hated getting crushes. Especially on his friends.

The next time they met was at school during lunch. He sat with Jack and Crutchie as was usual, but he wasn’t really into the conversation. This happened every so often. Sometimes he listened and remained quiet. Sometimes he participated. On this day, he was in his head. He wasn’t even paying attention to what the other two were talking about.

The first pro on David’s list was that Jack was a nice guy. The most obvious reason was that his best friend was disabled. Though being friends with a disabled person didn’t automatically make you a nice person. It was Jack’s friendship with Crutchie that attracted him to Jack. He was always very protective of Crutchie, even when Crutchie told him to stop. If David hadn’t gotten to know them well, he would’ve thought they were dating. It didn’t help that they were very physically close.

David watched as Crutchie put his bad leg to rest on Jack’s lap. Jack just accepted it like it was no big deal. Like it was just an extent of his body. He let his hands rest on Crutchie’s ankle as they continued talking. David wished for a second that he was Crutchie’s leg.

He had to mentally shake his head. He had to remember that Jack was a friend and wanting anything more from him would spell disaster. That was his first con. It was bad enough that David had a crush on a guy. Not because he thought it was a bad thing, but because same-sex relationships in high school just seemed that much harder to start. It was lucky that David at least knew Jack was bi. But it was unlucky that he was one of his close friends.

This started a what-if chain in his brain. What if things went bad for them? What if Jack didn’t like him in that way and things were awkward for them from then on? What if Jack did like him, and they got together, but then they broke up? Crutchie would surely be on Jack’s side, so he wouldn’t just lose one friend, but two. What if the crush he had just passed? That was preferable to David, but he didn’t know how to get that going.

Jack and Crutchie laughed about something. Part of David wanted to know what, but his mind was too busy. Jack leaned forward and began to doodle on a piece of paper. David was distracted from his thoughts for a minute as he watched him draw. He wondered how he’d gotten so good at it so young, and thought about how if he really wanted to, Jack could be a great artist someday.

That was pro number two. Not just that Jack’s art was beautiful, but the fact that Jack knew what he wanted to do. He’d told David he wanted to move to a small town and just make art. He didn’t even want to do it for the money. He didn’t even want to be famous. In a world full of YouTube and reality tv stars, David found that refreshing. The way Jack said it, he didn’t sound like any of those pretentious artists who stated they wanted the same things when in reality just didn’t want people to think otherwise. The difference was that those artists wanted something other than what they said they wanted, while Jack seemed like he actually did want it..

But that brought up another issue. Because what if David didn’t want the same things? He’d just come from a small town where he hadn’t found much joy. Whereas now, he at least had friends and the LGBTQ+ Club. He wasn’t like Sarah who wanted to go to the big city, but he didn’t want to go back either. And if that’s what Jack was going for, then any possible long term relationship between him and David was doomed. And that was con number two.

David looked away from Jack’s drawing, trying to keep himself in check. His eyes found Crutchie’s, who seemed to be watching him with curiosity. David looked away and took a sip of the juice box he’d been playing with. He looked down at his food, a sandwich and an unopened bag of chips. He’d been so caught up in his thoughts he’d forgotten to eat.

He opened the chips and offered some to the boys. Jack put his pencil down to grab a chip. David watched as Jack put the chip up to his mouth, his tongue darting out a bit. He couldn’t help but watch Jack’s jaw line as he chewed, and his Adam’s apple when he swallowed. It really didn’t help that Jack was extremely good looking. Pro number three.

David forced himself to look away and once again crossed paths with Crutchie’s eyes. This time it was Crutchie that looked away. Not in the embarrassed, slightly awkward way that David had earlier, but with a sense of satisfaction. It was as if Crutchie had been staring at him with suspicion and he’d gotten the answer he was looking for. David wondered what that was about, as he ate his sandwich.

It also gave him a chance to think of his third con. The whole Katherine ordeal. David didn’t mind that Jack didn’t want to talk about it. It was none of his business, after all. It was just the fact that whenever it was brought up, Jack looked really guilty. And Katherine just seemed so angry. It made David think that Jack did something really awful to her. And if he had done something so awful to Katherine, it meant that he was capable of doing something as awful to him. And if that was the case, he didn’t ever want to find out what it was.

Still, he couldn’t help his feelings. Somehow, the pros outweighed the cons, but it didn’t mean he was ready to do anything about it. He needed a second opinion. Maybe even a third opinion. And with the way that Crutchie was looking at him, he thought maybe he’d be the first to talk to about all of this. After all, he was the closest person to Jack. Maybe talking to Sarah would also help. He just wanted to be able to think properly again.

“Hey, we should all go out and celebrate.” It was a Friday afternoon, and Katherine had already given out the assignments. Sarah didn’t feel like going home right away and Spot had texted her earlier that practice was going to run late.

“What are we celebrating?” Katherine asked immediately. “Is it your birthday?” She seemed curious, but not really concerned, seeing as how they only hung out after school.

“No, but we should celebrate another successful paper!”

“Why? We come out with one every week. That’s no reason to celebrate.”

“Sure it is. We don’t have to celebrate every week, but I think every once in awhile we should give ourselves a pat on the back.”

“That sounds like a good idea, Katherine,” Mr. Denton said from his desk. “You kids work hard all week. You deserve to relax.”

Sarah smiled at their advisor. The truth was that Sarah wanted to hang out with Katherine outside the paper. Get to know her better. She had Jack and Spot as friends, but she needed a girl friend. Someone to gossip with or at least talk to about girl stuff. Stuff she couldn’t talk to Jack and Spot about.

“Well, where would we be going to celebrate, then?” Katherine asked, a little more open to the idea now that Denton had approved.

“Not sure...Darcy? Bill? Know of any places around here we can have fun?”

Darcy and Bill looked at each other and suddenly looked happy, as if they thought they weren’t invited before. “There’s this one place called Jacobi’s,” spoke Bill. “It has burgers and pizza and stuff and there’s an arcade.”

“Are there prizes?” Sarah asked. Bill nodded. “Ooh, what do you think, Katherine?” The teen reporter looked like she’d lost interest, but shrugged. “Jacobi’s it is then.”

They packed up and left Mr. Denton in the computer lab. Since Katherine had recently gotten a car, she agreed to drive them, immediately making sure Sarah was sitting shotgun. The four got in the car and Katherine turned on the car. Sarah had expected the radio to come on, but there was nothing but silence. Bill gave directions, but other than that, the ride was quiet. Sarah could sense the discomfort and decided to talk.

“So what kind of music do you guys listen to?” she asked.

“Film scores mostly.” Sarah wasn’t surprised by this at all. Bill looked like the type of guy who watched a lot of movies.

“Jazz and hip hop.” This was more surprising as Darcy was the type of person she’d describe as a WASP. She’d expected Christian rock, maybe gospel.

“I don’t really like music.” This surprised Sarah most of all, because...well, who didn’t like music? Katherine apparently.

“None at all?”

“I’ll dance to it at social functions, but no. I prefer to read.”

They got to Jacobi’s quickly since it wasn’t too far from the school. Bill led them in. It seemed like he was a regular. He ordered his food and then went to go find a table for them to sit. Sarah ordered a slice of pizza and some fries, Katherine paid for the unlimited salad bar, and Darcy and Bill each got a burger.

They sat down to eat and talk, though Katherine didn’t do much talking. Sarah was getting to know Darcy and Bill better at least. She was asking them lots of questions and found out that Bill didn’t just write for the paper, but he liked to write scripts. She also found out Darcy was a poet who occasionally dabbled in rapping.

As little as Katherine was talking, she genuinely did seem interested in the conversation. She’d never really bothered learning much about Bill and Darcy so she was learning just as much as Sarah was. They were taking her mind off the school paper, and school in general. She forgot about all the stress she was in, and all the troubles she was still holding on to.

When they finished their food, they moved on to the arcade in the restaurant. Bill was willing to share his game card with everyone so they were all able to play some games. He also knew which ones had more chance of acquiring more points for prizes. Katherine was having fun, despite struggling with some of the games. Sarah was having fun watching everyone else have fun. She may not have been learning much about Katherine but at least they were all having a good time.

“You all look like you’re having a good time,” came from behind them as they played a whack-a-mole game. They all turned to see Jack watching them with a smile.

“Hey Jack!” Sarah said, hugging him as if she hadn’t seen him earlier that day.

“Hey, Sarah.” He turned to Katherine. “Hi, Kath.”

Katherine didn’t even try to be subtle. She whacked the moles harder than you were probably supposed to. She didn’t even acknowledge Jack’s presence.

Jack nodded, giving up. He smiled at the other two boys and then back at Sarah. “See ya later, Sarah.”

She waved at him as he walked away with his head down. Sarah was lost. Clearly something was going on with Jack and Katherine but she didn’t know what and she didn’t know who to comfort.

After she whacked the last mole, Katherine put the mallet back in its place and smiled at the three of them. Sarah could tell it wasn’t genuine though. There was a pain in her eyes.

“I’m ready to go now, if you guys need a ride home.”

Bill and Darcy said they could walk, and Sarah said she would also stay. The truth was Sarah wanted to know what was going on and she knew Katherine wouldn’t tell her, but Bill and Darcy would.

Katherine said her goodbyes and rushed off. Sarah waited until they had moved on to the next game to ask, “So what was all that about? With Jack and Katherine.”

Bill and Darcy looked at each other as they often did, and then Darcy spoke. “They used to date. And then Jack broke her heart.”

“That week was the only week we ever did the paper by ourselves,” Bill said, focusing intensely on the game he was playing.

“She came back the next week, berated us for doing such a bad job on the paper, and she’s been hard on us ever since.”

“The good thing is my writing’s improved. But she used to be nicer.”

“Not a lot nicer. But nicer.”

Sarah nodded in understanding, but she only had more questions she knew the boys wouldn’t be able to answer. Like how exactly Jack broke Katherine’s heart. It seemed that Jack regretted whatever he did, but Sarah now knew to be more wary around him. Maybe he wasn’t as different as she thought he was. She wished Katherine was still there so she could comfort her, but even then, Katherine probably wouldn’t let her.

“So what’d you get?” Race asked as he followed Spot out of their math class. Jojo walked behind them, observing. Spot reluctantly showed Race the B grade on his test. “I knew it! Ha! Pay up, bud!”

Spot took his wallet out and gave Race a five dollar bill. Race pocketed this as if it was nothing, but Jojo knew that it wasn’t just nothing.

“You like him, don’t you?” Jojo asked as soon as Spot had left them.

“What?” came from a very confused Race.

“You like Spot.” This time it wasn’t a question. But Jojo didn’t know what to think of it. Did he approve?

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re making bets with him.”

“I make bets with loads of people.”

“You take loads from people you make bets with.”

Race gave Jojo a cheeky smile and then said, “Yeah I do.”

Jojo then raised his eyebrow as if to say, “So I’m right.”

“Okay, so I think he’s hot. Whatever. But it’s not like Spot Conlon is gay. He barely even looks at me.”

Jojo shrugged. “Why don’t you ask him?”

“I can’t just...that’d be suicide.”

“Yeah, it’d be better if you two just stayed friends.”

Race seemed annoyed at this. “You know what? I bet you he is gay.”

“Nope. Not making that bet.”

“So you do think he’s gay.”

“I didn’t say that. I just can’t with you. Either way I lose.”

“I’m taking the bet anyway. I’m gonna prove to you he’s gay. I’m gonna do it.”

“Sounds more like a threat than a bet.”

Over the next few days, Race thought up several plans as to how he could out Spot or at least get him to kiss him. Ultimately, his tried and true method seemed to be the winner. Jojo was right. Making bets was Race’s strong suit and if that’s what got Spot to out himself, that’s what he was going to do.

And so they kept making bets in class. Some Spot would win, but most of them Race did. One of the days they were supposed to meet up with Jojo for their study group, Spot made the bet that Jojo wouldn’t show up. With Race trying to seduce Spot all the time, Jojo just didn’t have much interest in the group anymore. He’d only showed up occasionally since their studying had moved to Jacobi’s..

“You know, you don’t win the bet until we leave,” Race said after fifteen minutes of waiting.

“Well don’t try to keep me from leaving. I’m winning this, Higgins.” Spot had begun calling Race by his last name because he thought his nickname was ridiculous.

“Don’t count your chickens yet, Conlon.” And of course, Race had also begun to call Spot by his last name.

“I’ll fight you.”

“You’d lose.” Race looked up from his burger to see Spot staring at him with a smile. And every time they made eye contact, Race felt giddy. As if he’d won a bet he hadn’t even made.

“That’s amusing.” Spot, on the other hand, felt his heart skip a beat, and quickly looked away. He craved eye contact, but couldn’t bring himself to keep it for long.

“Wanna bet?” Maybe this was his chance. A chance to get into close physical contact with Spot. “Actually, yeah, let’s bet. I bet I can beat you at wrestling.” Surely, with Spot on top of him he’d know if he was gay.

“That’s stupid. I wouldn’t bet you to see who could run faster. If you were actually good at wrestling, you’d be on the team.”

“Would I? Maybe I just don’t like wrestling, even though I’m good at it.”

“You’re a dumbass,” Spot said with a laugh. “Get the fuck out.”

They finished their food and studied, before leaving. Race tried to stall as much as he could by challenging Spot to arm wrestling, losing twenty times. It wasn’t until Spot let Race win that he knew he couldn’t stall anymore. Jojo wasn’t going to show up.

“Walk me home?” Race asked when they got outside.

Spot hesitated. This was new. “You know I live the other way.”

“I get bored walking home. You keep me entertained.”

“Listen to music or something.”

“Let me listen to your music. I wanna know what trash you’re into.” A lot about Spot Conlon was still a mystery to Race. Not only would this help him get to know him better, but it could also help him figure out if he was gay. Maybe Spot liked Britney or One Direction.

“My music’s the best, you little shit.”

“Prove it.”

As much as experience was telling Spot to run home and get away from this kid, his heart was telling him the opposite. “Fine. I’ll walk you home.” Race grinned as Spot took his phone out to play music. “Dipshit.”

“You’re not just gonna play it like that, are you? Plug your earphones in. I wanna listen closely.” It wasn’t the best maneuver, but if he could get Spot to share his earphone, they’d be close. Spot reluctantly plugged his earphones in and loaded his music, handing both to Race as they walked. “What am I supposed to do with this? Pick a song. Listen with me.”

“You’re so needy.” But this was something Spot liked about him. He felt useful around Race, like he mattered and made a difference.

As far as Race could see, there was no Britney or One Direction, but he knew that didn’t mean anything. As they walked to Race’s, he made fun of the choices Spot did have. There were a lot of oldies, some heavy metal, and surprisingly, some classical.

“It helps me sleep,” he explained, ask they walked through an alley Race said was a shortcut to his house.

“You don’t sleep well?”

Spot hesitated. That was something Race had become accustomed to. It was as if everything Spot told him was some dark secret he was trying to keep. Race hoped one of those dark secrets was being gay. “Sometimes I just have nights where I think too much. I like to dwell on past mistakes or...unasked for feelings.”

“What kind of feelings?” Race asked curiously.

“I just said, unasked for.” He sounded defensive, which at first had stopped Race from asking more. As of lately, though, Race had gotten braver around him.

“But like...do they make you feel good?”

Spot stopped, wondering what Race was getting at. They made eye contact, and this time Spot didn’t look away. Race looked amused, but a little concerned. Spot wondered if he should say something to him. Not that it would help. The feelings would still be unasked for.

Race had to take his chance. Spot wasn’t looking away, which meant that Race was still looking directly into his beautiful brown eyes. And Spot still wasn’t looking away, which meant that he’d asked the right question. Spot didn’t look away, which meant that now was the time to know for sure. And so he did it.

Spot was caught up in his thoughts that it took him a second to realize Race was getting closer to him. It took him a second to realize Race’s face was nearing his. It took him a second to realize Race was coming in for a kiss.

But he did notice. And he backed up. His earphone fell out of his ear, and then out of Race’s as he pulled his phone away. “What the fuck?”

Race felt a little embarrassed, but there was no way to explain away what he’d attempted to do. “Sorry, I...I thought we were having a moment.”

“I’m not gay,” he replied, stating a lie he’d told himself countless times.

“I am,” Race said a bit defensively.

“That’s nice for you, but I don’t believe in living that kind of lifestyle.”

Race’s face immediately soured. “Lifestyle? It’s not a lifestyle. It’s who I am.”

“Who you are is a person. What you do is a choice.”

Race couldn’t even comprehend what was going on right now. His feelings toward Spot had just done a complete 180. How had he become friends with such a person? Who even was Spot Conlon anymore? “You’re...so wrong right now. I can’t…” He didn’t even know how to finish that statement.

“Yeah, I can’t either. Walk yourself home.” With that, Spot picked up his earphones and left. When he was alone, he reflected on what had just happened. He’d almost been kissed by a guy. And what was worse is that he almost let him. But he knew he couldn’t. He had to be a man. A good little man. And make his mother proud. He had to find a girlfriend. And he knew where to start with that.

#newsies #newsies high #newsies fanfic #javid #newsbians #sprace #jackcrutchie #holdenmgrudges #fanfiction #au fanfiction #jack kelly #david jacobs #sarah jacobs #katherine plumber #crutchie morris #spot conlon #racetrack higgins #jojo de la guerra

[sgapologetics]

Exponential Growth!

Throughout my Christian walk there has been one area of theology that has evolved more than any other. When I was young in the faith I went from a continuationist to a cessationist. I also went from a synergist to a monergist very early in my Christian walk. This one area though, which we know as eschatology, has evolved more than once and has went from one end of the spectrum to the other. I started as a dispensational premillenialist, then went to a somewhat form of pre-wrath premillenialist, to an amillenialist, and finally settled at a postmillenialist. Now that I'm postmil I see it all over scripture and it somewhat blows my mind that I didn't see it before. This is very similar to what happened when I became a Calvinist, I saw it everywhere. In this blog post I want to deal with a couple portions of scripture that I believe are undeniably postmillenial verses. 

First, let's go back to the old covenant. Looking at Daniel 2 with me let's focus our gaze onto verse 44, it states, "And in the days of these kings shall the God of heaven set up a kingdom, which shall never be destroyed: and the kingdom shall not be left to other people, but it shall break in pieces and consume all these kingdoms, and it shall stand for ever." I think most commentaries agree that this prophecy, which is simply an interpretation of a dream, is speaking about the first advent of Christ and the coming of the Kingdom of Christ. These kingdoms that Daniel is speaking of are the Babylonian, Medo-Persian, Greek, and Roman kingdoms. There were four kingdoms and during the last kingdom (Roman) God established His Kingdom. This is exactly what this context is talking about, the establishment of the Kingdom of God. 

Notice what it says about God's Kingdom though, the text says that it will break into pieces and consume the other kingdoms and it shall stand forever! I don't know about you but if you tell me you're going to break something into pieces and consume it I don't think what is left will be that recognizable or may not even exist. In other words of you broke something into pieces and consumed it I would think that you dominated or had such an influence on whatever it was that it you controlled it. The Hebrew word for consume means to fulfill or to put an end it. Did this not happen in those kingdoms? Is Christianity still reigning today and these earthly kingdoms demolished? Yes, because God established His Kingdom and it consumed the other kingdoms and is still doing so today. 

I want you to notice something else about this interpretation of the dream. This portion of breaking into pieces and consuming is an interpretation of verse 35. Let's see what verse 35 says, "Then was the iron, the clay, the brass, the silver, and the gold, broken to pieces together, and became like the chaff of the summer threshingfloors; and the wind carried them away, that no place was found for them: and the stone that smote the image became a great mountain, and filled the whole earth." Notice the last phrase, "the stone that smote the image became a great mountain and filled the whole earth!" What an awesome picture of God's Kingdom subduing and consuming the Earth! I think obviously we know that to go from a stone to a great mountain means exponential growth! If we don't think so let's go throw some great mountains or maybe go try to climb a stone. The latter would be easy and the former impossible. This shows the exponential growth of the Kingdom of God. 

Our second place we'll be looking is in the New Covenant. Let's turn to Matthew 13. In this chapter Jesus is speaking in parables and coming to verses 31-33 we see two parables Jesus speaks that have the same meaning. The first one is the parable of the mustard seed and it goes as follows, "The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field: Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof." (Matt. 13:31-32) I know many people when they come to parables they try to teach all kinds of things but in parables they typically were used to teach one main truth, we are not to be hung up on every detail in them. For instance, we aren't to be arguing the size of mustard seeds or what kinds of birds is meant but we are to see the big picture. The big picture in this parable is clearly that the Kingdom of Heaven is going to grow exponentially. From a tiny seed to, in the words of Luke, "a great tree!" (Luke 13:19) It's very clear from the very words of Jesus that the Kingdom will grow exponentially. 

The second parable in this section clearly teaches this same truth. Jesus say's, "The kingdom of heaven is like unto leaven, which a woman took, and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened." (Matt. 13:33) Now I'm no cook by any stretch of the word and the only thing I really know about leaven is what the Bible teaches about it. The Apostle Paul say's in another portion of scripture that, "A little leaven leaveneth the whole lump." (Gal. 5:9) So leaven starts small and consumes or grows exponentially to where the whole lump is leaven. Once again showing growth that completely makes whatever it started as to be unrecognizable. Just as the stone that turned into a great mountain, or a mustard seed that turned into a great tree, this leaven consumes the meal! This is what the Kingdom of God is like! It had small beginnings but it has and will continue to grow exponentially! Yes there may be times that it looks like the Kingdom is failing (I.e. The dark ages) but there is always a reformation! 

Let me try to tie these prophecies together. Not only does scripture clearly teach this but as we look through history we see it being fulfilled. How is it fulfilled? The answer is none other than Jesus Christ and Him being the fulfillment of the Abrahamic covenant. Back in Genesis 12 God said to Abraham that through him he'd bless all the families of the Earth. Then in Genesis 13 God says to Abraham, "if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered." Then in Genesis 15 God says, "Look now toward heaven, and tell the stars, if thou be able to number them: and he said unto him, So shall thy seed be." Then in Genesis 17 God says He's going to make him the father of many nations. Then in Genesis 18 God says, "all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him." Finally in Genesis 22 God says, "I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore." I show all of this to take you to Galatians 3:29 where it says, "And if ye be Christ's, then are ye Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise." Remember Paul was writing to Gentiles in Galatia so the fulfillment of "the promise" wasn't only for jews but all those that are in Christ! He is the fulfillment of the seed promise! By extent all those in Him, which is an innumerable amount of saints, enjoy this blessing of the Kingdom! 

Lastly, I want to see that no other eschatology can rightfully exegete these texts. Why do I say that? Well because no other eschatology sees continual growth in the Kingdom. They see a stone turning into a small mountain then turning back into a stone! They see a mustard seed start to grow into a tree then reverse back into the mustard seed! They see the Kingdom failing in this current age even though Jesus said the gates of Hell shall not prevail against us! They see the waters flowing from the temple in Ezekiel 47 come knee high then retreat! They don't see this Kingdom of God consuming the Earth in this present age! They don't ultimately see victory from the church and the spread of the gospel, they see failure! 

Now for the record, I love my brethren that hold to opposing eschatology. I think I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't because I've been there. I also don't think they are somehow less than me as a citizen of Heaven. As a matter of fact I think many of them do way more than me for the Kingdom even in the midst of thinking that it's going to fail in this age. I praise God for these people and I pray they don't stop working for the Kingdom! This was not meant to be a bash on anyone just an exalting of what I believe to be a Christ honoring doctrine. A truth that He died for and raised victorious over this world! So that when He asked of His Father for the uttermost parts of the Earth His Father will answer. 

"Ask of me, and I shall give thee the heathen for thine inheritance, and the uttermost parts of the earth for thy possession." (Psalm 2:8)

For His glory! 

[worldsprettiestpenis2020]

My SECOND blog is named deadlineheavyvinylfire. You can find it on deadlineheavyvinylfire.tumblr.com. The first one I lost, and was named something like ‘the last book legit’. If you find it, and I’m going on about butchering an old paramour, mailing them to Illinois in seventeen different boxes, next day air: then you’ve found the right one! I won’t go to trouble to expose it, you can dig it up yourself, but those verses are from a different time, and although I wrote them, they tell the gospel of a different man. This is something new entirely.

It’s funny, when they say that you have to write down the lies you tell or else you’ll forget them, they AREN’T joking. Most people know this. And I think the common wisdom is that you’ll forget completely, and be caught lying, but I’m realizing there’s more. You can also start to believe the lies you tell, especially the ones that everyone else believes, and that’s dangerous. If you aren’t careful, that causes you to fail. It’s easy to do. For example: you accomplish a feat, and pretend like it was easy, why not?—it gives people an excuse for their own failure. People love to be told (although they pretend they don’t) that you were born better, that it’s impossible for them to do a thing. Cook up some crackpot science about how everyone is traumatized before birth by unsuccessful abortions (dianetics) and there will be a new sucker born every minute willing to believe it.

Moving on, regardless of why, you tell a lie, and it’s effortless, and sometimes you forget it WAS a lie. Sometimes you have to prove your claim publicly (that it was the truth) and forget to make up for it later, when no one is watching. Then you start to fall behind. You stop practicing. You stop doing the things that only you did, that made you better. You stop being good. And you don’t even realize what’s happening.

I just caught myself doing it. I used to people that I didn’t even edit. Holy shit that was a lie. I edited every single line at least once and probably four times. I’ll do it again. I’ll confess right here that I do and then I’ll convince you later I don’t. Game on!

I was poor when I wrote my first blog and I am poor now. I made three million dollars on paper in between, but with nothing to show for it, no one even believes me. ‘S ok...it’s good for the system that they don’t. The system depends on people slaving away their entire lives to try and make a fortune. It doesn’t want those people realizing that you can make a fortune and lose it and be happy without it. That could get messy.

So I don’t tell people often. You cannot comprehend how infuriating it is to make three million dollars, and lose it, and then watch someone accuse you of making it all up with their eyes. I can tell someone, see the disbelief in their eyes, and want to strangle them, without them saying a word. But it’s ok. I learned a lesson, an expensive one, and I’m happy I did. I don’t need people to believe me to move on.

Fact is, I was extremely happy when I made the three million, but it was because of the success of my endeavor, it was because of the thrill of the accomplishment. It wasn’t because of the money. I’ve felt just as great with other accomplishments. I consider that a priceless lesson. Never again will I chase money just for the sake of having money. No. Now I’m concentrated on finding happiness.

And that’s why I’m writing. A little fame never hurt.

Yesterday I quietly promised myself to write at least one thousand words a day. Let's crunch those numbers really quick. Three hundred and sixty five days in the year would make the hundred and sixty five thousand words a year. In ten years that would be three million six hundred thousand words. In thirty years it would be over ten million words. Prolific, but is it enough? Some have definitely wrote more. And some have written less. What if it was two thousand a day? Seven hundred thousand a year, seven million in ten years, twenty one million words in thirty years. That sounds much more impressive, perhaps we will upgrade to that once we have the hang of one thousand per day.

They have a saying that ten thousand hours, at any exercise, will create an expert, and I'm inclined to agree. When it comes to editing, I already feel like an expert, but it's only wishful thinking. I'm not. Let's calculate the hours using those models we used for words. One to three hours for each one thousand words will be three hundred to nine hundred hours per year, which would make me an expert within ten to thirty years. But I believe it will be sooner than that. If I spend one hour per day writing then there will absolutely be some days that I spend ten hours writing. I believe I can stack up ten thousand hours in five years, but that's just a gut instinct, I could be very wrong.

I miss the spirit. While writing my first blog I have a spiritual friend who possessed me when I wrote. I could feel his presence as he guided my hand. He made it easy. Of course, I was in a very magical state during that time, and it may be easy to get him back. Perhaps I just have to try.

I'm reading literature about the order of the nine angles. I don't buy into the nazi crap so it's obvious that I don't do the nazi mass, but when it comes to traditional Satanism: no one has created as much literature as ONA. I'm not a fan of throwing the baby out with the bath water. So if you think I shouldn't read anything by Anton Long because he once wrote something in praise of Adolf Hitler then I'm going to reply, hurry up and get writing then. I will not give up the ONA literature without a replacement. They have published more about traditional Satanism, completely unrelated to Hitler, than any other group.

TADA, I've reached a thousand words. It happened without me noticing. That's good. I must encourage the spirit more. Enter my body. Move my fingers. Let your wisdom flow through me. Even though I've hit one thousand, that's just the one thousand that I had promised myself yesterday. I still have another thousand to finish today. That's OK. I have time and I will seek out my energetic friend. My literary familiar.

I've always mastrubated a lot. I blame my father for not telling me that it isn't good. Some people might blame pornographers, but the thing is that I started compulsively mastrubating before I was exposed to pornography. You could make an argument that massaging shower head producers are partially to blame, because it was the massaging shower head that first introduced me. On the shower at my parents, you could twist the top, and instead of the regular rain shower, it became a pressurized stream. I was probably twelve years old when I became curious how it would feel to have that stream directed to my penis. It felt good. I wanted to do it more. This was fun.

I "massaged" my twelve year old penis with water in the shower for weeks just for the tickle it gave me. At that point my penis had never gotten hard and I definitely never ejaculated. So when I orgasmed the first time after weeks of "massage", it was a shock. I didn't understand what happened, but the dopamine rush let me know I liked it and I've been chasing orgasms ever since. That sounds pathetic to read, but I think it's a common experience of my contemporaries. We are mostly just confused orgasm chasers, to an extent, aren't we?

8068 whitecastle downtown

I make plans to go with am old flame to the barcade downtown. I hate it. This was the cool thing to do a half a decade ago and I guess it still is. I love her. I could just do the dumbest shit with her and it would be so bad, or at least I think. So I'm excited. But I can't get into it. Going to the bar downtown is a celebration of us, America, Columbus, myself...and I just don't have anything to celebrate. I hate columbus, America, myself and us. That's probably why it feels alien to me. I hate everything about this culture and without something personal to celebrate it feels fake to enjoy myself within it.

Or maybe it's something else, I don't know. But I do know that I wish I wouldn't have texted her so much about rape because that's evidence if I did rape her, which I won't, but should I? It's the biggest compliment I can give her right? I'm willing to risk a decade locked in a cage just to reach a physical union.

I'm fucking up. I fucked up. I will be fucked. My plan to write 1000 words a day is falling apart. It's day four and I'm only

[phobio2000]

Currents of the Soul

Once upon a time I was babysitting like ten kids for a Bible study. It was more of a pushing Bill Gothard propaganda meeting and they couldn't find anybody who is willing to take on that many kids, and I don't think they were willing to hire two sitters, so there I was. Eventually there was some Bill Gothard older kids who saw it as an opportunity to serve God, but that was much later. Sure that family was nice to me, inviting me to their lake front home all the time to eat good food, and they never gave me shit, putting up that attitude of pride, which is something that I never got used to after I left that church, so props to them, giving credit where credit is due, that, even though they have so many problems, treating me with contempt was never one of them, but perhaps that could be due to me being there since when Is as a kid. OK, I'm rambling, but it's just my thought process, trying to figure out what went on back then. So I was babysitting, one of the girls needed a diaper change, I don't know how to do it, so eventually she stuffed her skirt in between her butt and the diaper and kept on playing, very creative? So why am I writing about this? Well, over the years, I found that women handle stress mostly I one of two ways, they either stuff it in or they abuse people. A third way is to get pampered, massages, facials, body rubs, pedicures; some people crutch on that and become incapable of handling stress and because pretty self absorbed and only care about keeping the stress low. A fourth way is to be expert at drawing boundaries and constantly be on the lookout of situations of taking on stress. I think the latter two ways are better than the former two, because at least they're taking care of themselves a little better, yet at the same time, they're not really responding to their feminine instinct of wanting to take care of everything and everyone, and that leads to a sense of unfulfillment. A lot of decent women would tend to just take it all in and suppress the stress. So I guess, four methods, two groups, and I think the two groups can learn from each other and achieve some sort of balance. And there's group three, people who just let themselves go. They just gotta pick themselves up and believe that they can make things better over time. When a woman starts to let herself go, it's like the beginning of the end. I've seen women who are kind of washed up and stopped caring, and they just look broken, but like, when they get some nourishment and a sense of hope, they start glowing again. I've seen those who are really good at stuffing it all in. They look well polished on the outside, like wax statues, but the moment they exhale the brokenness and weariness reveal themselves. I've seen those who have had bad experiences and just want to hide and avoid things. They are afraid of feeling bad again, so they're on constant lookout for possible sources that could cause or trigger those negative feelings, or anything that could possibly lead to them. I've seen those who just take it out on everybody. And like, a woman's present situation and behaviors can be traced back to these things, or at least, bee analyzed along this line, and if you can do a nice tune up based on these guidelines, like how cars inevitably need tune ups, then it's quite possible that things will become better and there will be positive changes, even turning a person from bad towards good, to some extent. Now, we all tend to think of people as being good or bad, based on their attitude and behaviors, but often times, sin and selfishness aside, which are totally valid and not to be dismissed, at the core of their being, there are all of these inner currents at play, and their outward attitude and behaviors could very well be a result of those currents not being well managed. Nevertheless, the inner turbulence could very well be merely the result of their decisions and their past actions and the people they deliberately choose to be, and, you can either think along the line of casting stones, which could be well deserved (yet Jesus said let he that has no sin cast the first stone), or see it as an opportunity to bring them to the presence of God and letting them know that God can restore their souls and they no longer have to feel this way on the inside, yet they have to repent, and at which point they'll have to choose between the practical benefits of sin and selfishness or inner wholeness and the freedom and joy of walking in the light with Jesus. So, no matter where you are in life, where you've been, whatever happened in the past and is happening presently, who you choose to be and what the environment pushed you to become, Jesus is here to save, with arms wide open, knocking on the door of your heart, beckoning you to respond so he could save you where you are at. You just got to be hungry for it, yet it doesn't take much, Jesus said "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you." And then, as if he wasn't being straightforward and emphatic enough, he said "For anyone who asks shall receive, anyone who seeks finds, and anyone who knocks it shall be opened onto him." And then, he further elaborates, just beckoning people to respond, "think about it, if your child asks you for bread, are you going to give him a rock instead? If he asks for a fish, will you give him a snake? If you, being sinners, know better to give good things to your children, how much more your Father, who is perfect, is eager to give good things to those who ask him?" (I'm paraphrasing Matthew 7:7-11). It doesn't take much, there are still good churches out there, though a lot of churches are like salt that has lost its flavors and light being covered up by a basket, and then there are bad churches who are not teaching the right things and doing God disservice, but there are really good resources on YouTube. Bethel Church has hours and hours of musical worship, and I like Hillsong Church's messages, just allocate time and tune in, as you ask, seek, and knock, and slowly, things will get better and better. I mean, Bethel has good preachings and Hillsong has good music, but I'm referring to the YouTube availability. Jesus said "What good is it, when you gain the whole world, but lose your own soul? And what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" Now, the church I used to go, they don't really consider the human condition, so they just interpret that as eternal salvation or damnation. HOWEVER, there's a far more tangible and simple interpretation. When you sin, you may get stuff, whether it be money, sex, whatever, but when you walk the path of sin, it's inevitable that you will feel like crap inside eventually, and that's when Jesus lovingly beckons you with this question, "What good is it, that, even though your sinful ways got you some things that seem good, yet you feel like crap inside? And, of all the things you acquired through your sinful ways, which of these things can you possibly give in order to not feel like crap?" Stone casting theology stinks, but when I slowly learn to see God's word from the perspective of love, everything becomes so beautiful, and I'm still learning to Chang my perspectives. It's a really wonderful journey that is life changing all the time. And like, in the past, although I was a Christian and totally believe in God, yet I had so much reservations about Christianity, and I think a big part of it was due to this stone casting theology. In the back of my mind I kept questioning what is this gospel, is there any relevance for the here and now, rather than just the promise of eternal life? Jesus said he came to set the captive free, and sure, although technically we are delivered from eternal damnation, yet how is this doctrine setting people free now? And, it really isn't until like in recent years that I finally started to understand the gospel, and gradually I can talk about God with joy and confidence, that this doctrine is really "good news" that'll really help and save people and change lives, rather than being irrelevant for the here and now and helpless for the struggles of the human condition. I've been seeking this for a really long time, and finally it's starting to come through. The search might have been long, dark, and silent, with the path only getting more and more difficult, yet when things start to fall through, it's like constipation suddenly being relieved and all sorts of crap came out lol :D. Faith is like that sometimes, yet this very nature of faith gives hope, that no matter how difficult things may be, there is hope if we don't give up asking, seeking, and knocking. Hmmm, do you prefer watching cheerleaders or gymnasts? I prefer gymnasts. I'm just channel surfing while spending time with my friend's cat and I learned about college gymnastics. Teams actually go to one another's school to compete, like basketball, it's cool. Women look so attractive when they're focused and applying themselves. And then the scene suddenly changed to show sassy college cheerleaders, they may be better looking and have more sex appeal, but I just don't like it as much. To me, women are more attractive when they're focused and making something of themselves, they look attractive and their souls feel so beautiful, whether it's sport or study or anything, it' just better when they're setting goals and applying themselves with a good attitude. Party girls arouse curiosity and trigger certain senses, but like, I'm not looking for strippers or merely a good time, and objectively, those are of no values to me. To me, we are meant to have the best of both worlds and it was never meant to be a mutually exclusive choice between being a Puritan or a slut, but that's another topic for another time. Sure, you can argue that cheerleaders work hard too, and I'm sure there are really nice girls who are cheerleaders and there are gymnast who are total sluts, but like, you know what I'm talking about. Not much can be accomplished by being perfectly politically correct.

[londontheatre]

Crime and Punishment – Photo credit Davor Tovarlaza at The Ocular Creative

I’ve read the novel or at least a translation of it, and although there are many advantages to being ruthless in deciding what to emphasise in bringing Crime and Punishment to the stage, I’m not sure this particular 90-minute version does it full justice. Two-and-a-half hours twice over works magnificently for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, for instance, but in losing significant chunks of the narrative from the book on which this particular show is based, this production comes close to throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

The theology of the Russian Orthodox Church, or at least certain aspects of it, is brought to the forefront of proceedings right at the start by Porfiry (Stephen MacNeice), a police inspector, who wants to know whether Raskolnikov (Christopher Tester) ‘believes’ in the story of Lazarus, as told in St John’s Gospel. Later, Sonia (Christina Baston) would like to know the answer to the same question, together with the broader, “Do you believe in God?” In the former case it is a bizarre question to ask in the course of a murder investigation, and in the latter the questions are asked so often they lose all sense of intrigue, assuming there was any to begin with, by the end.

Fair play to Raskolnikov for not wavering in his answers: I daresay I might have given in to Sonia and furnished her with the ‘right’ response, in the hope she would stop asking the same question repeatedly ad nauseum. Deliberately not using my previous reading of the English translation of the Russian novel to help my comprehension of this production – suspending my disbelief at the door and all that – I couldn’t relate the Lazarus story to any aspect of the show’s plot, and therefore really have no idea why such a big deal was made of The Raising of Lazarus. It got to the point where my prevailing thought was that of a recent musical, Lazarus, composed by the late David Bowie.

The show ends abruptly, having asked the God question yet again. While the novel goes into some detail as to what happens to Raskolnikov – and indeed, Sonia – the audience here is left to think (or indeed not to) for themselves as to how the story might finish. Music swells unnecessarily at certain points, presumably with the aim of heightening emotions, but resulting only in it being very slightly difficult to hear the dialogue.

There’s variation in pace, sometimes going at speed; other times, awkward silences, in keeping with the scene, build tension to some extent. The whole thing, given Raskolnikov’s actions, could have been tenser. I have no hesitation in calling once more for a ceasefire on slow-motion action scenes – the one in this play was more comedy than tragedy, and I would be surprised if this was intentional. With a relatively sparse but by no means wholly minimal set, the scene changes were seamless and swift.

There is, mercifully, some resonance with the modern world. What happened took place in part because severe poverty is a contributing factor in the irrational conduct of those who suffer from it. There’s also a portrayal of alcoholism that got me thinking that some things don’t change even in our supposedly more enlightened times. When it wanted to be, it was a credible and compulsive play. But I would have liked more character development: I knew as much about this trio at the end as I did five minutes into the play. A reasonably good but all too subtle production.

Review by Chris Omaweng

Arrows & Traps Theatre returns to the Jack Studio with an award-winning adaptation of Dostoyevsky’s literary masterpiece Crime & Punishment.

A tense psychological thriller on the nature of evil, the story is set in the mind of a murderer, where he relives and explores the thoughts, ideas and feelings that drove him to his horrific crime.

Direct, haunting and relevant, the play becomes a psychological landscape which creates a thrilling journey into the mind of a killer and his search for redemption. This is an intimate and spiritual journey which seeks to unveil hidden dimensions of the human condition.

Four-time Off West End Award Nominated Arrows and Traps present Crime and Punishment at the Jack, following their critically-acclaimed and sell-out productions of Anna Karenina and The Gospel According To Philip.

Crime and Punishment Listings Information Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky adapted by Marilyn Campbell and Curt Columbus Tuesday 7 to Saturday 25 February 2017 Brockley Jack Studio Theatre, 410 Brockley Road, London, SE4 2DH

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