#please watch columbo this is my final message

[foulbearobservation]

re: your tags, glad to hear the duretti bit was amusing, (curious though, was it the straight flag or the ph*lic symbol bit?) i wasn’t going to include him originally but then i had a metaphorical lightning strike moment ala duretti (albeit his was very literal) when i thought of what to out for his section

on mary, yes exactly she’s that meme, her not caring for nonbinary as a label is a bit complicated, because of stuff like finding a lot of the labels or terms used to talk about nonbinary experiences clunky or ill fitting (i,e a lot of people who are neither transmasc or transfemme being labeled transneutral regardless of if they actually present that way and/or id as such) and the frequent erasure of nonbinary people of color in too many chunks of communities, but mainly and mostly yeah it’s just that meme, i have a job i don’t need to worry about it rn, who cares

on adriel, idk? i just thought the vrigins were so that the fbc would like unlock a new steam achievement or the demon possession of vrigins would theoretically be extra powerful, human sacrifices, and/or adriel was like “what do you have there?” FBC with virgins they’re planning to do magic rituals with: a smoothie adriel: y’know what i’m not even gonna ask, carry on

thirdly it’s so cool to see a columbo fan, i didn’t realize before seeing your columbo posts th there was an actual fandom for the show beyond a good chunk of boomers, and having grown up watching it whenever my dad would play episodes, seeing posts have kicked off a good bout of nostalgia

but also mainly having watched it as a kid whenever my dad would play it means i don’t really have good memory of many episodes or anything, but i still wanna get back/get into it so what episodes would you say are the best and/or recommend?

obsessed with me getting the author's notes for this post 😭😭

the columbo of it all,,,, I love columbo. I love my lil detective. there's sooo many good episodes, here's an inconclusive list of my faves (since I haven't watched all of columbo, I'm only midway thru season 7 rn)

season 1:

murder by the book: any time jack cassidy is in a columbo episode you just KNOW it's gonna be good. the whole mystery gets undone by a horny grocery store clerk. I am not kidding. (also fun fact steven spielberg directed this one!)

lady in waiting: this woman is UNHINGED she is a GENIUS she is an IDIOT I hate her I love her she is EVERYTHING TO ME, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? she's the original evil girlboss

season 2: season 2 has like nothing but good episodes tbh you can't go wrong with a season 2 episode

etude in black: is so cleverly done, I love it I love it I love it.

dagger of the mind: is literally just macbeth. the shakespeare of it all is absurd I love it. the blocking of the final scene where it's the murderers with wax statues in mourning behind them like an actual greek chorus. it's insane. I'm obsessed with it. that's CINEMATOGRAPHY BABES

a stitch in crime: this one has leonard nimoy in it, which should be reason enough for you to watch it.

the most dangerous match: were you obsessed with chess the musical in highschool? this is for you.

double shock: columbo becomes the heartthrob of housewives everywhere after he appears on a cooking show. again, I am not kidding.

season 3: again, all hits! no flops!!

any old port in a storm: wine maker has intense homoerotic tension with columbo. columbo is a lil flattered by it.

publish or perish: jack cassidy. need I say more?

swan song: johnny cash is in this one!!

season 4: from here on out, ymmv

negative reaction: dick van dyke plays a very fun killer!

troubled waters: the BEST murder scene on columbo hands down

season 5: there's a rumor I think that this was supposed to be the last season, so they took some wild swings.

forgotten lady: the way this one resolves made me cry! one of the top columbo episodes of all time!!

now you see him: !JACK! CASSIDY! seriously this is one of my other top columbo eps of all time

last salute to the commodore: the last ep of columbo at the time. very self indulgent. it's so funny.

season 6:

old fashioned murder: I think the most clever murderer we've had? the end scene where he does the ultimate kindness of telling her family that he was lying. god. that gets me. lieutenant firstname columbo ur my best boy

season 7:

murder under glass: OH it's a tasty episode.

make me a perfect murder: I know she did a murder but I think the murder she did was justified like she deserved to go apeshit just this once.

and that's all the columbo I've watched! as with all the media I recommend, I can provide links / a google drive folder because I do so love sharing media

#sorry for talking about columbo he's just my special little guy #no but fr I think a lot of writers and my mutuals especially would like columbo because it's not a whodunnit crime it's a howcatchem #it's all about the little ways a crime can fall apart it's so good #please watch columbo this is my final message

[acornswords]

Lost, Found, & Collected.

A Transformer’s Story.  

A story of how an Earth-stranded Ratchet finds the mission: “Protect Hope”.

Warnings of: Violence, Drugs, and mentions of Human Trafficking

Notes: I’ve decided to post some chapters on tumblr as well! Here’s chapter one, and if this gets enough notes I’ll post chapter two & three! All chapters are posted to AO3 already - and will be continually updated there! 

1998.  The tow truck’s tires kick the dirt road dust into Michael Lambert’s lungs as it brings in his latest buy.  Coughing the congestion away, he greets the burly driver with a humoring smirk as he trudges to see the towed vehicle.  The burly man, Todd McGiver, pats the helm of his own truck, and makes his way next to Lambert.

“Not the prettiest buy, I reckon,” McGiver chuckles, placing his hand on Lambert’s shoulder.

Lambert moves away from McGiver’s touch and moves to place his hand upon the windshield of his purchase, as he clears some of the dust and he inquires, “Engine work?”

“Didn’t bother to check. Thought you should do the honors.”

Lambert grunts, and reaches for the door handle, only to be stopped by McGiver’s question, “Out of all the cars, trucks, and SUVs on the market – why in the Sam Hill did ya’ buy this rusted junk?”

Lambert lets his hand fall to his side, “This ‘rusted junk’ is a fix up, and with that fix up and a retouch with a wonderful new paintjob, McGiver, this 1990 Ford Econoline e350 will bring us all the cash you could ever dream of.”

McGiver laughs, a hearty laugh but one with a twinge of mockery, after a stare from Lambert, McGiver clears his throat, straightens, and asks: “Jesus, Mike.  What has gotten into you? How could you look me in my blue ol’ eyes and tell me that some rusted, dusted ambulance is the key to our ‘business’?”

Lambert huffs, opens the door, and turns the key in the ignition – a rumble of power rips through the frame of the ambulance and its lights flicker on only momentarily.  As the vehicle shakes, Lambert’s mouth curls in to a grim, venomous smile. He steps away from the rattling ambulance, and places his hand onto McGiver’s shoulder. Giving McGiver’s shoulder a tight gripping, his smile uncoils into a snarl as he states: “Because, Todd, no one is suspecting an ambulance to be transporting our kinda cargo. Now, unhook my purchase, bring it to my workshop, and by high-time next week, inform all of our associates of our new ride – and their new means of transport.”

With a gulp and a nod of his head, McGiver is released from Lambert’s grip. Scrambling to the still rumbling ambulance, McGiver unhooks the vehicle from his tow truck, seats himself in the ambulance’s driver seat, and begins to drive it to Lambert’s workshop.  The property Lambert owns is a large one, filled to the brim with automotive parts, trash, and oil puddles. A cheap plot of land in the deadlands of New Jersey, close enough to the congested inter-cities to establish business, yet far enough away that no one questions anything. Some consider it a junkyard, but it is not one most know or use. Not that Lambert minds, more attention to his land, more people begin to question. The parts and automotive shells placed throughout his land are from vehicles he purchased, scrapping for parts and overturning cars to certain “higher-ups”. The transportation business is what Lambert works for, and who he works for (mainly) is that of the Ricci Family. A mafia family that is spread throughout New Jersey and New York, carriers of many trades and scandals but most recently into the growing market of heroine distribution. All intricacies and all illegal, the Ricci Family has been using Lambert’s Car Services for years.

As the ambulance’s exhaust grieves with every rolling motion, Lambert raises his garage door slightly high to accommodate the ambulance’s rear. And once the entire vehicle is within the walls of Lambert’s workshop, the garage door is lowered, and the fix up begins.

Hours were spent on the tuning of the ambulance, and as days and nights past the grin on Lambert’s face continued to grow.  He was going to be the genius the Ricci Family could not deny, who has even thought of using an old, decommissioned ambulance as a means of illegal drug trafficking? Not any of the other competing Families, nor the inter-city gangs – No, it was only just Lambert, and he was proud of his idea.  He’s work with the ambulance’s engine and tires was done, and now all he had to do was repaint and ship it off to Dominick Ricci, and a hefty sum of cash would soon be placed discreetly in his mailbox.

And as the final coats of paint dried, Lambert left his workshop to make the call to Dominick. With in the darkness of the garage, silence incases every corner. The ambiance of the garage is comforting, that is until its shattered by the sound of the ambulance’s engine revving to life.  Its newly replaced headlights flash on, dispersing the darkness. The engine stutters, only for a moment, and a voice grumbles:

“Where in Primus’ name am I?”

The engine of the ambulance roars again, and the voice continues, “Haven’t felt this good in a while…don’t change the fact I have no way of knowing where I am.”

The vehicle’s rearview mirrors move as if to look around it’s enclosure, and just as it was about to accelerate its tires to escape, Lambert walks into the garage.  Looking at the ambulance with a tilt of his head, he says his thoughts aloud: “Did I leave you on? Can’t remember – Guess I was too excited at getting ya finally fixed”

The ambulance’s voice makes no reply, and its engine continues a slow and steady hum. Lambert goes to its door, turns the key and the ambulance’s engine dies out. “No need to burn fuel, Dominick will be needing you by the end of the night,” and just as quick as he came in, Lambert left the ambulance in the same distilled darkness.  

***

“So, ya tellin’ me – me and the old man – that the best way to transport the new goods is usin’ this ambulance here?” Dominick crosses his arms and stares skeptically at the ambulance.  

“Yes, even more so if you use it during the night – however during the day is fine as well. No one, especially cops, take a second glance at ambulances and I’ve never see ‘em pull one over, have you?” Lambert retorts.

“No, but most aren’t unmarked! And whatta ‘bout other ambulances! They can call us in on just their suspicion! Especially because this thing ain’t registered!”

Lambert growls, and begins to pace the room, until finally and idea strikes him, “Remember Vinny?”

Dominick rolls his eyes, “Vinny Rossi? Vinny Russo? Columbo? Bianchi? There’s alotta Vinnies pal, be more specific!”

“De Luca! Vinny De Luca! He used to be big into forging documents and shit, remember?”

“Course, got me my first fake ID, and passport. What’s ya point?” Dominick huffs.

“My point, Dominick, is that he can forge a fake ID for this ambulance! A code in their systems that can override their verifications, so our dear ambulance is valid in all counties, despite being unmarked.”

Dominick tilts his head, and ponders on the idea, “Logical in theory, but have you met my cousin Vinny? He ain’t a real hacker, just a forger!”

“Lucky for, Dominick, I know just the guy.” With a quirk of his lips, Lambert leaves the garage, with Dominick behind him, to make a very important call.

***

“So, I’ve got your ambulance registered in all the counties throughout New Jersey and the Big Apple, upstate NY gonna take a bit longer, maybe a month or two – but I’ll get it, of course if Vinny continues to help with the credentials.” A filtered voice comes through the phone’s receiver as Lambert sits within the cab of the ambulance.  

“Of course, the Ricci’s and I are in your debt, Gerard” Lambert’s voice drips with satisfaction, and the passenger door opens to a smirking Dominick as he climbs in and situates himself.  

“Big words, might hold you up to ‘em, Lambert. Till next time.” And with that the phone call cut off, and Lambert tucks his cell away. He turns the key into the ignition and backs out of his garage, and starts down the road to their first pick up.

“So, why are ya’ comin’ again, Lambert?  You fix the transport, not ride it.” Dominick relaxes in his seat, and looks disinterestedly out the window.

“I wanna make sure the transport holds up, make sure that you don’t blow this up for me. This could be a huge business, ambulance trafficking transport and such, need to see it first hand working.”  Lambert keeps his eyes on the road, and the conversation ends with Dominick’s “Fair enough”.

As they roll up to the run-down apartment, the two men leave the ambulance running as they leave to meet their contact. The ambulance waits in the silence of the street for several minutes, the street lights flicker and all that can be heard is the soft grumbling of a voice, “Comm. To Optimus Prime. Optimus? Optimus, can you hear me? I’m still located on planet Earth, more specifically on the East Coast? Optimus, if you can hear me, or even if you get this message later, know that I will try my best to find you and the team, but until then I may have to stay undercover with these humans. Please, if you are hearing this – send your coordinates immediately over Comm. I’d open another receiver, but I fear the Deceptions, more specifically Soundwave, will be tracking any open links. Until then, I’ll be listening, Old Friend.”

And just as the voice quiets, the two men bustle out of the doors of the apartment with large crates, and following behind them is one woman. They open the ambulance’s back cab, and place the cargo of crates within the holding, then the woman climbs within the cab, and sit against the crates with a thump.

“Ay, watch where ya’ put ya’ weight! That’s the new shit, and we don’t need no complications” Dominick growls.

“Bite. Me.” The woman mumbles. The ambulance’s engine seems to sputter – the sound almost mimicking that of a chuckle – until Dominick climbs into the cab and hits the woman across the face.

“Now, you listen here, tramp,” with the last word Dominick spits on the ground of the cab, “Your daddy set you up as payment – now you seem to be a little damaged but the way your goin’ it won’t matter. While the Ricci’s pride ourselves in Drug Trafficin’, we ain’t no strangers to human. Daddy couldn’t pay us with enough of the good stuff, so he offered you.  Now, as Ricci property, your gonna shut ya’ fuckin’ mouth or I’m gonna fuckin’ shut it for ya.” And with a growl Dominick pushes the woman’s shoulder hard enough to topple her over. As her back hits the edge of one of the crates with a thwrack, Dominick slams the cab doors and makes his way to the front.

With a roar of the ambulance’s engine, the woman looks outside of the windows of the cab’s door, and as the glow of each streetlight passed, she quietly hums herself to sleep. As she lays her head upon the cab’s metal flooring, she swears the engine hums along with her.

***

The drive Dominick and Lambert took to deliver the cargo was 5 hours, after delivering the cargo to its destination, a gas station owned by Antonio Ricci, the two men begin to drive to their next destination, the drop off point for the woman who lays in the back of the ambulance cab.

The woman is sprawled upon the floor of the cab, beaten for mocking Dominick, and voice hoarse for screaming at each passing car that was viewed in the windows. Her song had died in her throat, but the metal she lays upon was not as cold as it once was.  She curls herself into a position, and tears stream down her sore face and pool on the metal flooring. She holds onto her stomach, stroking it, trying to find words of comfort. Dominick, in only this sense, was merciful when he began his beatings. She is carrying, and to him no “real man,” would ever hurt a kid, even if the mother was “a dirty fuckin’ useless whore”.

Just as the last hour of the ride was ending, and the destination of drop off for the woman came near, the woman begins to scream.  Not out of fear, but actual pain.  The two men pull off into an empty road, and open the cab doors.  Writhing in pain, the woman’s tears stream down her agonized face.

“Tell me, tell me this fuckin’ broad ain’t havin’ her fuckin’ kid right fuckin’ now” Dominick grasped his forehead, and his eyes dart between Lambert and the woman.

“Christ” Lambert lifts himself into the cab and turns the woman over, “Come on, Dominick, get ya’ ass in here! Can’t deliver her bleeding and cryin’!”

“Can’t deliver her fuckin’ kid either, Lambert! What the fuck, what the fuck! No way I’m gettin’ all up in that broad’s bleeding and being a fucking nurse! No fuckin’ way man!”

“Are you fuckin’ – Alright, fine Dominick, I’ll deliver the kid, but at least fuckin’ get in here and hold. Her. Down.” Lambert grits the last words, and Dominick scrambles into the cab and grips the woman’s wrists and hold her down.

“You fuckin’ worthless bitch, couldn’t wait to pop ya fuckin’ kid until we got ya’ to the drop off, could ya’?” Dominick sneers and through her gasps and tears the woman was able to quiet usher a “Fuck, you.”

Before Dominick could retort, Lambert yells, “Dominick sit‘er up! We need this kid out before anyone hears the fuckin’ screaming”

“Lambert, we’re in a fuckin’ ambulance, don’t think anyone gonna question us too much.”

After 8 grueling hours, a small scream can be heard piercing the walls of the ambulance’s cab.  The infant, born two weeks early, wails as its hands can barely flex or grip.  The woman, exhausted, calls for her child and Lambert hands the babe over.  She sits against the walls of the cab, dried tears and sweat cake her skin, her eyes drop, her lips cracked and bleeding. She smiles at the child, her chest heaving too hard, and she softly coos at her child.

Lambert stares just for a moment, and calls Dominick to discuss what to do next.  Left alone with her babe, the woman, eyes barely in focus, her breath trembling, whispers in a cracked voice, “If anyone can hear me, if anyone is listening, please, please, protect this babe. She’s, she’s the greatest accomplishment, greatest joy I’ve experienced. Please, if your listening, someone, anyone, please. Please.”

The baby continues to wail, and the all too frail mother coos for it to quiet, and just as she begins to hum, the baby tries to grasp her hair, but fails. The mother’s hum begins to falter, yet it is accompanied by the hum of the engine of the ambulance. The mother smiles, her eyes closing, and she slowly slips onto the warm metal flooring of the cab, she curls to her child, her breath trembling, as she whispers, “Protect Hope”.

#maccadam #transformers #transformers prime #ratchet #ratcher (transformers) #tfp ratchet #it's a story abt how ratchet is a dad and deals with a LOT #mafia and decepticons included #autobots #decepticons