warnings: brief mentions of miscarriage, stillborn, depression and anxiety. if you don't feel comfortable please, please don't read it. I love you<3 and if you're struggling, or have struggled with this topic, feel free to dm me<3
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Since I was young, I've always wanted a child. As I slowly grew, my want for children increased, I became more scared, sure, but nothing is better than your own little baby who will always love you, even if no one else does?
That aside, James and I have been trying for a long while, a year at least, unfortunately, miscarriages run in my family. I have been pregnant 2 times in the past year, one being a miscarriage that plummeted me and James in a deep set of depression, when we decided to try again, my baby boy came out a stillborn. I cried for so long after, couldn't forgive myself. James was so excited for our child, and I just depressed him. Did I not want him enough? I realized I shouldn't be thinking that way, I didn't do anything wrong. Three square meals a day, went to every single appointment, slept the correct amount of hours, I did everything right. James helped me out of the depression and my doctor advised me not to try again, much to my despair.
A week ago, James and I adopted a baby. She was born at 6 pounds and 7 ounces, no name, and her mother died in child birth. We named her Renee Lily Potter. Lily stuck by my side nearly the entire way through my first and second pregnancy, she saw the happy and sad.
Right now, I'm laying in me and James' bed, Renee rests on my chest, and I stroke a hand down her little back. I hum a tune I heard on the muggle radio, a funky beat that reminded me of my husband, as we wait for James to get back from work.
"Renee, darling, I love you so much." I speak to the child as if she can understand what I say. "I am so glad that you're here. I don't know what papa and I would do if you weren't." I pick up her chunky baby body and pull her up closer to my neck. I stand up and strap on a baby carrier to my front, then I walk out into our flats kitchen to cook something. I bounce around the kitchen, James is usually the one cooking, he says I cook like a white mom, and to that I tell him, that's exactly what I am. He always laughs and kisses my forehead after that, winces at the taste of the meal I prepared, but eats it anyways. I hear the fireplace turn on and quickly turn off.
"I wonder who that could be." I say, but there's no doubt in my mind that James is hiding behind our sofa in the living room, trying to scare me. I walk out into the sitting room, and sure enough James pops out from behind our couch and accidentally scares himself.
"Hi, darling." I walk up to him and kiss him.
"Did I scare you?"
"No, Jamie, love." I stroke my fingers around Renee's soft head, her hair longer and thicker than any other baby I've ever seen.
"Hi, baby. Oh, and," he leans down and lets Renee grab one of his fingers, "hi baby." He lifts her out of the baby carrier, laying her tiny body in his arms. She makes a noise and grabs James' nose. "Hi, my little love! You missed papa while he was at work, hm?" He grazes under her chin, and she continues to babble on.
"Well, papa now needs to fix the mess mama made, hm?" James smiles and walks into the kitchen.
"Rice, curry, and naan?" He looks around.
"Mhm, mum brought it, darling."
"Oh my gosh! Mum came and I wasn't home?" I sit on one of our kitchen table stools.
"Yeah, but that was the point Jamie, she wanted to see how I was settling with Renee." I watch from the table as James takes down two plates from a cabinet and plates up our food.
"Well?"
"Well, what, darling?"
"How are you settling with Renee?" He places her down in her heavily padded play pen, and puts my food down in front of me, I take a big bite and think.
"Settling fine. You?"
"Big change for me." James says, ripping his naan and scooping chicken into it.
"Of course it is, darling, we have a baby now." I look down at her, she's curled into herself and snoring quietly.
"I know. I just always want to be home, but I'm constantly working, I'm afraid I'll be distant with her or I won't know her as well as you because you're a stay at home and I work until 7, and that's her bedtime."
"I understand, my love." I nod at him for him to continue. "They offered you three weeks off."
"I know, I just want something to keep me busy."
"You know what's perfect for that?"
"What?"
"The baby, and me." James' face quickly brightens. "How about this, darling, I'll call Moody and tell him I insist you stay home with me and Renee, he's scared of me anyhow."
"Sounds perfect." We eat in silence for a moment. "Reggie?" James looks up at me as I start to wash mine and his plate off.
"Yes?"
"Do you ever wonder if she won't like us?"
"No, James. She'll love us. Unconditional love will be forced. And besides," I attempt to lighten his mood, "no one could ever not like you, James Potter." I semi joke, James' lips twitch up into a smile.
"Except Barty Jr, right?" He dries his hands off, kisses my jaw and rests his body weight on his arms, hovering over me.
"Barty secretly adores you, James. Especially now that your a dad, says it does something for him." James barks out a laugh as I take a sip of my water.
"Well, I hope it does something for someone else too."
"You know it does." I grab his chin and pull him down for a kiss.
"Hm, good, because you being a mama does something for me too." Being a mama, I smile at the thought. He smiles before walking over and laying next to our baby, probably almost breaking her play pen.
"Don't break that, James Potter, or else."
"Very scary, darling."
"Or else no more c-" he cuts me off.
"Shush! Not around Renny." Renny, a nickname James and Sirius have convinced me is adorable, Remus laughs every time he hears it, saying one day she's going to kill Pads for it. He wraps an arm around our small baby, picking her up and getting out of the pen.
"Renny is sleeping." I kiss her chubby cheek, and walk up the stairs to her nursery quietly, James following behind closely. He lays her down in the dark green painted room, her crib sheets a bright yellow color, courtesy of James himself.
"Goodnight, my little love." James strokes her brown skin, tucking one of her curls out of her face. "My pretty girl." He smiles and steps away from the cribs edge to let me lean in and bid my child a goodnight.
"Goodnight, sweetpea." I kiss my fingers and press them lightly to her head. James links our fingers together, pulling me into our bedroom, the next room over. He let's go and takes off his shirt, he lays in our bed and watches me as I remove all of my silver jewelry, and the two gold rings that James married me with stay on my ring finger.
"You're a stunner, mami." James says, laying on his stomach.
"Mami, hm?"
"Yes." I smirk and unclip the carrier that was strapped to my chest.
"That's a new one." I walk over to our bed, laying beside him, he pulls me closer and kisses me deeply.
"You're such a beautiful mum, so so very handsome." He pushes a hand to the nape of my neck, pulling me in for a lighter kiss.
"You know what me and Mum were doing today?" I ask, coiling one of his curls around my finger, staring into his warm, brown eyes.
"What is that, ma?"
"We were talking about you."
"Good things I hope." He smiles.
"I couldn't say anything bad about you if I tried to. No, we were talking about a song I heard, made me dance and made me think about you."
"What song?"
"I think it was called Daddy Cool or something, but the part that made me think of you the most, it said, ‘shes crazy for her daddy, oh she believes in him’
made me think of you." He smiles tightly, he peppers kisses all over my face.
"Well, then, I'll remember for later."
"James?"
"Regulus?"
"Did you always want to be a dad?"
"Yes. Always. I would always hog babies if someone had one, one time I was playing with a baby, she had a fallen out eyelash and I tried to wipe it away, but ended up accidentally poking her in the eye, I cried after." He snickers. "What about you?"
"I've always wanted my own baby, yes. Living in that house with those people, I didn't know what love was but I wanted it. I wanted to have something to always love me. I thought, after Sirius left, there was nobody else in the world who loved me. Now I know what love feels like."
"What does it feel like to you, darling?"
"Warm, everywhere. You, Renny, Sirius, Remus, Dora, Dorcas, Barty, Ev, the list goes on. Love is everywhere, you just can't see it first glance. When we were going through a rough patch last year, at first glance you couldn't see a single loving thing, but if you looked closer you could see how you still pulled on my curls in my sleep, liking to see them pop back up. You didn't know I knew but when I figured it out, I would stay up until you thought it was safe to do it. I craved your touch back then, and all I had to do was ask for it." James kisses me again.
"I love you, Reggie."
"I love you, mon amour."
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Quilcene Loop
26 June 2023
I’ve had ideas for rides in this corner of the Olympics for a long time, but it took a recent piece by Jan Heine on the Rene Herse Blog to spur my interest enough to get me out here. I picked up coffee, caught the ferry in Edmonds, and was pedaling from the Quilcene Ranger Station by 9:00. Despite what I was afraid might be a very long, grueling day of climbing, I was back to the car by 2:30. The total ascent was more than 5600’, but while the climbing was certainly hard, it was never painfully so. On the other hand, I was very happy to reach the final summit.
I rode the loop counterclockwise, which meant that the elevation ratcheted upwards in several separate climbs over more than 30 miles before the much quicker drop back to sea level at the end. The route crosses Bon Jon Pass at Mile 25, but the high point (3500’) comes later at Mile 32. All of the climbing was on gravel, while much of the descent was on pavement, which was my main rationale for doing the loop in this direction.
The downhill at the end was great, although it would have been greater had there not been an uphill segment half way down. Much of the descent is on a single-lane paved road (generally good surface, but with some big divots that require some caution), although there was an annoying section of fresh gravel near the bottom (which masked, but didn’t eliminate some nasty washboard). The final couple of miles are back on a regular two-lane road. This side would make a great climb if you simply wanted a stiff 1000+meter ascent without the longer loop (but that short gravel section would be tough on a road bike).
I saw almost no cars the entire ride. There were a few in the first and the last few miles, but that was about it, other than a few parked cars at trailheads. I stopped and chatted with one guy on an ATV who was hopelessly turned around - but I think I got him headed back in the right direction. It’s pretty easy to get lost back here. The roads aren’t marked well, the terrain is confusing, the trees are thick, and in the morning, clouds still obscured the sun. I was certainly grateful for having my route loaded on my GPS (I use RWGPS and a Wahoo Bolt) and for Gaia GPS which I use for offline maps on my phone (I also use a Garmin Messenger for tracking when I’m away from cell coverage).
The entire ride is in the trees, except for a few clear cuts and a couple borrow pits. I got a few glimpses of the surrounding hills and cliffs, occasional glimpses of Mount Townsend (the trailhead for which is near the high point of this route) and one view of Mount Constance(?) (with a large Texas camper van parked strategically in front), but it’s mainly just a lot of trees. Above 3000’, the rhododendrons start showing up in the understory.
The last time (the only other time) I was up here was in 2016 when I hiked up Mount Townsend (hshipman: Mount Townsend).
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