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nic-spit · 2 years

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HORROR MOVIES WATCHED 2K22

‼️ Disclaimer ‼️ these are half baked opinions that, in the end, do not really matter, and have no effect nor hold any judgement on if you enjoyed/did not enjoy the same movies. I have no critical thinking skills and the number rankings are frivolous at best. YMMV. Have a good day. I love you drink some water. Be cool.

TO BE UPDATED

SPOILERS AHEAD

COMEDY-HORROR

Not everyone enjoys the hack n slash and brutality of other horror types so let's start with some lighter movies for those folks:

HOLLYBLOOD (Netflix) - 7/10

Spanish (dubbed) Twilight parody turned very very very light thriller. Literally, Hollyblood is the in-universe name for a Twilight movie. Has the most supportive dad to exist. "He's confused but he's got the spirit" in human form. CGI is minimal and cheesy, practical effects are cheesy and silly as hell. A good time. Desperate teen love, and nuns. Guys wearing eyeliner. A+

THE BABYSITTER (Netflix) - 9/10

Always a sucker for an Evil Barbie. Has some of the most bloodthirsty teenagers in it who can also be wholesomely supportive of the kid they're trying to kill. Found Family in reverse. So much blood and a good amount of gore. Loses a point for the kid wanting to be a cop tho.

MY BEST FRIENDS EXORCISM (Amazon) - 10/10

Trauma and backstabbing everywhere, just like real highschool. Adults not caring about their teenage daughters, just like real highschool!! Bash from GLOW teaching kids about lifting weights for Jesus!! Just like real highschool!!!! For real tho the 4 main characters are all pretty insufferable in a realistic way and the more horror the movie turns the less i think Bash from GLOW was told it was a horror movie and not a straight comedy.

CLASSIC HORROR/THRILLER

Blood n gore and monsters and sometimes magic:

THE PRIVILEGE (Netflix) - 0/10

Idk what the fuck even happened in this movie. Nothing happened and nothing mattered. Don't ask too many questions cuz they won't answer them. Maybe ghosts? Maybe demons? What was with the old lady?

BLAIR WITCH (2016) (Netflix) - 0/10

Why did we watch this we hate found footage this made no sense IF EVERYONE DIED WHO FOUND THE FOOTAGE

NO ONE SLEEPS IN THE WOODS TONIGHT (Netflix) - 4/10

A Polish (dubbed) kids-at-camp type movie. Mostly disappointed in how the fact they were at a tech-addiction camp never came into play outside of not having phones, and a lot of the deaths felt anticlimactic. Also aliens? Not much CGI use and one or two of the practical moments was cool. Gain points for hilarious mannequin head toss and Jurek's death scene.

THERE'S SOMEONE INSIDE YOUR HOUSE (Netflix) - 7/10

All the gays live. The killer is not who you'd probably expect but exactly who it should be. Kids trying to survive high school. The killers motives made no sense after the first two murders.

ELI (Netflix) - 7/10

Not really a horror movie? Nothing scary in it but some predictable jump scares. Cool movie anyway tho. Netflix is lying about the 'heart-stopping scares'. Medical horror, maybe.

INCARNATE (Netflix) - 8/10

Short (84 minutes) sweet and to the point. Did its thing and ended. Inception but Demons, hosted by Mr. Batman Two Face himself. Genuinely want more.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2022) (Netflix) - 8/10

Gentrification Is Bad and Influencers are Fucking Annoying: The Movie. Lots of blood and screaming, loved the inclusion of school shooting trauma. Party Bus massacre best massacre. No magic no monsters just a pissed off dude committing murders in the name of his mom and town.

THE RITUAL (Netflix) - 9/10

Andy Serkis's movie about why camping is bad and he's right to say it. Fuck hiking. Norse mythology, cool monster, cool visuals, cults, guilt, friends fighting, compasses spinning in circles, all the good ingredients a horror movie needs.

THE OLD WAYS (Netflix) - 9/10

A somewhat realistic take on someone not believing there's a demon inside them. Cool visuals and effects, definitely had my gag reflex activated strongly at one point. The end is not the end and then there's the REAL end that is SO MUCH BETTER than if they had stopped ten minutes before. Main character ends up badass af. Based in Mexico.

HELLRAISER (2022) (Hulu) - 9/10

Confused on the rules but doesn't matter because Jamie Clayton and cool monster designs. Everyone gettin' off on torture. it's a good time. Love all the skin peeling, it's like helping mom with the potatoes on Thanksgiving

A LIL DIFFERENT

Focused more on the mystery and story than the amount of gore scattered around (not that there's NO gore mind you):

THE BYE BYE MAN (Netflix) - 0/10

Yes we watched this because of the name. It should probably go under the Classic Horror style group but because of how hard it failed at feeling like horror it doesn't deserve to be there. The entire budget went into getting Carie-Anne Moss for the last half hour and honestly she's the best part of it. There's like?? No blood?? Would get two points for the cool little girl who saves her family by not being able to read in the dark but not even that can reclaim how bad this was. 3 college kids dick around and the killer does NOTHING the whole movie.

FEAR STREET trilogy (Netflix) - 10/10

Yes loosely based on RL Stine books. Don't worry, the Gays win in this one. All three movies NEED to be binged together honestly imho, separately they fell weird and disconnected. Great story and mystery, the time jumping is great and reveals so much information, Josh and Martin need to be protected and cherished at all times forever. Lots of violence and blood, gore is few and far between.

#horror #Halloween #movies #media #Netflix #2022 #horror movies #nic reviews #hellraiser #Texas chainsaw massacre #Hulu #Amazon

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