#sometimes. you just dont wanna try anymore. maybe thats why im binging drugs again.

[sad-mamas]

so i was thinking about writing this all day but i didnt have the chance or whatever. anyways i woke up this lovely morning in a depressed ass mood. nothing out of the ordinary, right? well yeah but there was actually a reason for it. that reason is the reason i dont get cute anymore or go shopping, or interact with really anyone anymore. Drugs. it sucks to admit but i am addicted to drugs. now i wont get to specific on what types of drugs but the point is its the hardcore shit. i never thought i would ever get mixed up in any of that and for a while i was actually enjoying doing the drugs.even now that i am out of my mood i feel like it aint too bad. but anyway many people think there is like some deep hidden reason people do drugs and honestly sometimes theres not. i started because i was bored. i dont wanna hear that its the people i associate with or any other bullshit like that. i have a choice, i always do. anyways i was thinking about all the shit ive binged on such as drugs, weed and alcohol. my favorite being alcohol but the drugs make me feel really shitty if i drink so i dont drink anymore. i replaced one habit with another. weed is always great but yesterday the drugs really fucking hit me and not like a good hit from this shit but like a revelation type shit. i was physically feeling ill and yet i kept hitting this shit cause it made me go fucking numb. like mentally numb. like all the shits i ever gave about anything went away. I was physically feeling so sick that i think i could’ve overdosed but luckily i was out of money. I am not ashamed to talk with people about the shit im going through its me and its real. So the point of this post isnt to talk about my drug addiction necessarily but its interrelated with my mental issues. I have borderline personality disorder. this shit sucks, i would suggest you look it up for a deeper knowledge on it or not. idc. but I was starting to wonder why i was getting so depressed again even though ive been taking my birth control to help with all that (I have pmdd too). Its the drugs fucking up my perception of things. people with bpd find themselves attached to people for a sense of security yet those same people are the one they bash on and hate. this is called idealization and devaluation. this is why i never leave or cling onto people. youre the greatest person in the world until youre not. i have this person in my life rn and people confuse it with obsession or being in love and thats far from it. it makes me feel secure and when this person validates me i feel on top of the world but the slightest change in tone or behavior that resembles anything to rejection can send me down a spiral. these people are called “favorite person”. i dont like this at all but i cant help it. ive tried trust me. having bpd means i get bored easily. i find that i am trying to find my identity yet it doesnt seem to exist. I have this strong fear of abandonment. i know everyone will leave its just a matter of when. there is so much to my behavior that if you really stopped to look at it everything about me would make sense. Idk if you believe in mental illness or not but for me this is my reality. I fear that my favorite person is going to leave me someday and it scares me to think about that. so i sabotage it by being a bitch so they can prove me right. i dont mean to be like this but i am. now in relation to the drugs when i a under the influence of anything that is when i can talk about my feelings and not be scared of rejection. thats why i continue to follow that kind of life. my goal is to stay as clean as possible. my mood changes so much that all of this might be up in smoke by the time you read it. i dont know how else to talk about what i feel. which is why i am always quite when youre around. and i know that you hate this shit cause i wont talk to you directly but i dont want to be rejected. and i hope my favorite person reads this and can understand better because otherwise i wouldnt know how to bring this up. no i am not in love with you or even have any type of feelings for you romantically anymore i just need you to help me feel secure in this world and all that means is being understanding rather than making it seem like i am crazy, tho i do recognize that already. and maybe youre not up for that and i get it no one is. i picked you as my favorite person unintentionally it just happens. there is something i see in certain people that draws me towards them and makes me want them around forever even if its abusive im trying very hard to work on that but i havent done a very good job.

sorry if this seems scattered or idk whatever but i felt like i needed to get all of this out.

#bpd #lonely #pmdd #drug addiciton #crazy #itsneedy #clingy #love