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jlf23tumble · 5 years

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1D Day, Hour One

God only knows what this hellscape will look like on December 18, so if I’m gonna recap each hour of 1D Day, I might as well do it now, eh?? 1D Day is a gift that none of us really deserved, and yeah, it has a ton of shitty moments, but much like X Factor itself, the true gem is Louis Tomlinson and how much he runs this entire show (and lbr, the band itself), Jesus, god, do I love him.

Anyway, 1D Day aired 7 hours of live content on November 23, 2013 to promote Midnight Memories, and yes, yes, we’ve all seen the gifsets, but like anything else with this band, it’s tremendously better in context. I watched this whole thing a couple of years ago, when I first got into this fandom, but I didn’t know all of the dynamics then, so it’s extra fascinating to me now. We’ve all binged worse shit than this that took way longer, and I promise you won’t regret an hour a night for a week--but if you’d rather read my hot take, here you go, under the cut! Note: these are really shitty screengrabs, and for that, I am truly sorry.

A horrible announcer introduces the D by saying they weigh in at a collective 792 pounds, and all I can wonder is does this mean they have daily weigh-ins, why is it that specific? This focus on their weight is just gross to me. C’mon, writers, you’re better than this (j/k, you aren’t).

The three-foot bubble between Louis and Harry is established pretty early on, with Harry doing the prettiest sitting in all the land before bolting to his feet immediately because Louis happened to walk by his couch. A very real question: Was this bubble a requirement that Ben Winston constantly whispers into their headpieces, or did sbb decide, hey, let’s make it obvious that we have to CONSTANTLY adjust where we stand, even if it’s two feet away because that’s not enough room for Jesus?

There are some truly hilarious guest “stars” to announce, the first being the giant video head of David Beckham, which pops up and immediately starts speaking, so we're already off to the races with a) fuckups and b) Louis’s annoyance at said fuckups.

Liam takes a good hard look at his future:

Harry isn’t allowed to gaze at Becks, he’s off by the listening booth, which is a giant red call box because they’re Briddish, pip pip, cheerio. Unrelated, but I low-key feel like Harry's coked up or else really taking the piss with all his “LIVE BANDDDDDDD,” JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!,” etc., not to mention how fast he’s speaking, the way he grinds on the guitarist’s lap while Louis fonds at the sky, and all the yelling with arms aloft.

The best part of the rundown of the guest “stars” (or breast stars, if you’re Niall) is that we’re only in the first 10 minutes, so everyone’s giving it a go, but then we get to Mr. Simon Cowell, and Niall claps five times to stony silence (me as Harry constantly staring at Louis from three feet away):

Piers Morgan comes out to describe the “grilling” he’s going to give them later, all angry—genuinely angry—that they’re trending on twitter because they keep saying that he smells. And they don’t stop, even here, they keep yelling, “What’s that smell? You stink, etc.,” and he’s such a dick that I want to bottle this moment and spritz it around my house daily.

This mild trash talking continues, with Piers promising “tears from Piers,” but Slytherin Niall pulls the fingernail out of his mouth, smiles that sneaky smile, and says, “Yeah, but this isn’t Piers Morgan Day, is it, this is 1D Day,” and I want a transcript because there’s so much talking, but all of it trashes Piers, and god, I love my sons.

Anyway, they keep winding Piers up (Piers: “I’m going to find out what you’re most embarrassed about,” Liam: “The way you smell,” Piers, genuinely in a rage: “Don’t say that”), and he keeps talking about how he’s interviewed heads of state, etc., the implication being that this is below him, but Niall counters that Oprah and Barbara Walters have, too, and they would have much preferred Oprah, to the point where Piers admits they couldn’t afford Oprah (lmaooooooo).

We move on to Harry, spinning a twitter wheel that means they’ll follow whoever it lands on, which seems like a cute idea. I’m guessing it’s the official twitter handle?? I don’t know or actually care!

Louis can’t read the teleprompter, and he mutters later that it’s because it makes no sense rather than being too hard to actually see, but me as Niall, already yawning at the 25-minute mark (the bubble is preserved, though, whew):

I’m guessing Scott Mills is the “host” of this show because he comes out with a stick (??) and an agenda (Scott’s no Dermot…he has a face for radio, as they used to say back in the day). This whole section just features a lot of Harry and his pinned sleeves staring at Louis, and honestly relatable:

The next task is toilet paper roll stacking, with two judges from the Guinness Book of World Records on hand to see if this band of hyenas can beat the current world record and stack 28 (!!!!) rolls in 30 seconds. Two reasons to love Louis: he interrupts this idiocy to ask, “How did you two get into this, is this a full-time job you do every day?” (I was wondering the exact same thing), and this is his face for this challenge:

Sadly, they fail, and Harry’s the one who has to tell the judges, “Well, sorry for wasting your time!” with a cheery wave from the ladder. Uh oh, though, the bubble, we’re at two feet:

Much better!

This is still too close for Ben Winston’s comfort, so we split up the teams in what feels like a college course with a lot of money to run fake broadcasting drills. Zouis gets to report from the field, with some tweet rapping; the weather guy, sports guy, and lead broadcaster experience some technical difficulties, prompting Harry’s infamous, “SOMETHING’S GONE WRONG,” and we’re off to Poland:

For a production company that seems hell bent on “no homo,” there are lots of things that raise my brows, like this big “handsome” (Harry’s words) he-man who’s going to pull a “boohs” full of 1D fans over a line, so the boys have to guess how long it’s going to take him…by writing all over his mostly nude body (I’m the eye contact that Harry and Louis maintain during this):

Dude pulls the boohs successfully, so yay! Next up is Wrong Direction, the world’s worst lookalikes (HONESTLY, I’m embarrassed for everyone in this segment on Hollywood Blvd: the idiots who are “fooled” by this, the guys themselves and the low-key insult of it all, myself because this went on for way too long):

I’ll spare everyone the individual matchups because yike, but the real Wrong Direction comes to the studio, with all the guys dressed up like their matches, and the real D is polite, albeit mildly “wtf are we supposed to do about this” (me, too, Zayn). Points to Harry for at least trying to strike up some conversation: “Did you have foon, acting like us?” We’re supposed to vote for the best one on Google+ (lolololololol).

Scott takes two girls who look like they’re legit about to pass out into the red call box so they can be the first people to listen to the new album. While they listen to something none of us can hear, we get some VT (that’s “videotape,” god, I hate the whole lingo lesson we got earlier) of Spain and some fans, all of which feels like lengthy filler. I feel for the people Scott mentions as being asleep during this because there is a LOT of fill. Maybe make this shit shorter, just a suggestion!

Next up is Jamie Scott from his home somewhere in the middle of the night; he wrote most of Midnight Memories along with Louis and Liam, and he gives them an 8.5 in terms of how they did on a scale of 1-10 (and that’s AFTER Louis insults his pillows with the alphabet on them, “In case you forget”). There’s a lot of Lilo hand-shaking in celebration, and some enthusiastic clapping from Harry (a little too enthusiastic…I’m gonna imagine that someone tells him to tone it down in his earpiece because he looks around quite a bit):

A few things happen that don’t really interest me: the first listen of “Through the Dark” (this is skipped in the vid), a remote report from Radio Disney (Harry: “HOLLYWOODDDDDD!”) and a fan who wins the chance to come visit them later in the day, and then we’re back to Scott, who looks exhausted, and it’s only been 40 minutes.

All is not lost, because the next VT is the totally unnecessary yet extremely vital coverage of the D’s exercise regime. I’ve seen so many gifsets of hottttt and sweaty Lirry, but you haven’t lived until you’ve heard Niall’s American accent while he stretches: “Welcome to my workout dvd! I’ll be with you for the next 45 minutes to give you the lowdown of how I stay in shape.” PLEASE @ NIALL, DO THIS.

I really WANT to be Harry and effortlessly pump out pushups, but in reality I’m Zouis, popping some robot dance moves and drinking Red Bull. The weird shorthand throughout this is that Liam is an animal (Ziam + a whip = fire), Harry’s into flirty sexercise, Niall wants an arse like Kim K’s, Zayn’s a slender boxer, and Louis…just fucks around? Missed opp for footie Louis.

The first performance is “Story of My Life,” and we’ve all seen it before, but godDAMN, Zayn sings like an angel. Lots of technical problems in the audio, prompting quite a few Louis/Harry hand gestures, but still, in spite of it all, they sound amazing individually and together.

Even local asshole Piers Morgan is impressed, as he comes out to tell them that they were surprisingly good, along with a bunch of other neg bullshit. This is another one of those segments that it pays to watch the whole clip of, and Jesus, do I want a transcript. They head over to the couches, and Piers points at Louis and says, “You have the most reason to be nervous,” but Louis’s like, “Yeah, but I’m not,” and wow, #goals.

Everyone gets a couch, and the upshot is that Piers is a terrible egoist who thinks he’s a fantastic interviewer, but he really isn’t…all the questions are shit, and these five eat him alive. Everything he asks falls flat, and it’s so masterfully, subversively handled, from Louis’s iconic “define girlfriends” (and the underappreciated attempt by Harry to define it for Piers later: “Like in primary school, if you hold hands with a girl and you're eight, is that a girlfriend?”) to the obsession with smells (Piers asking Niall, “Why do you always smell,” claiming it’s a fan’s question, and Niall answering that it’s because he had colic as a child, so can only fart; Piers asking Zayn, “Who stinks the worst,” and Zayn saying that they all smell quite good, actually) to Piers demanding to see Zayn’s tattoo and relentlessly attacking him for it being a gun (Louis keeps interjecting that it’s a watergun, but go off I guess, paraphrasing).

But the best is always Louis. “What’s the weirdest thing a girl has done to impress you?” “Tweeted Piers Morgan.” Later, he says pointblank to Piers, “You do stink.” But then…but THEN, it’s the Four interview 1.0, only instead of Ben trying to get Louis to deny gay rumors, it’s Piers, who does it twice: “What’s the one rumor you wouldn’t want to hear about yourself?” Louis’s answer: “That I’m not good at football.” “Are you good?” “No….I just wouldn’t want it confirmed.” Piers tries AGAIN: “What’s the worst thing you’ve had to read about yourself?” but Louis turns it around and says he hates reading about one of the other boys being dead (!).

Because he’s the worst, Piers takes it to the ladies and asks how many girlfriends they’ve had and how many times they’ve kissed a girl. Harry says he’s kissed 8 ladies (which prompts a good scoff out of Zayn), and everyone else says 5 or 6, 3 or 4, etc., with Louis declaring he’s only had one proper relationship (no genders mentioned), so maybe 2 (lmaooooo). Piers gets all excited that he’s kissed more girls than this hot boyband has, and I wanna say, you’re almost there, “friend”…keep working it through.

There’s more antics w/r/t Piers, like his poor 2YO daughter crying, and him trying to blame it on Harry Styles not answering her dad’s sex questions or stupid questions about embarrassing things they’ve caught the others doing, and yeah, I don’t think they’ll get into the big ot5 gang bang on live TV, but ask anyway, I guess?

The last person to suffer sitting next to Piers is Liam, and I love him always, but especially for saying, “How’s it going there, stinky?” when Piers takes a seat to ask him why he’s so sexy. Piers tries to “joke” that the sexy question is for him, but nobody says anything, and then he asks Liam AGAIN before admitting that it’s a shitty question, so then he asks about them all wearing tight jeans, and godddddd, why does anyone let him interview anyone??

The good news is that Piers can tell he lost, so as he tells them that he thinks they’re pretty okay, actually, but, “You’ve gotta stop calling me stinky,” and you know they never will.

Scott says it might feel like much longer, but it’s only been an hour, and Zayn’s lookalike won, so we can all rest easy. This hour closes with a review of the highlights, and it’s ham-fisted and awful. Shocking!!!!

I can’t do one of these every single day, but I’ll do hour two sometime soon! Hope you enjoyed this, @justlarried, lol!

#recap #1d day #hour one #it really did feel like a full day

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andrewuttaro · 5 years

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New Look Sabres: Sabres Twitter Comedy Index (July 2019)

Right when I think I’ve made it out for the summer I’m pulled right back in. New Look Sabres is a fan reaction blog. That means my focus isn’t being smart and or correct, it’s conveying where supporters of the Buffalo Sabres Hockey Club are at. During the season this a game-to-game affair. If this is your first time reading me, give me a follow and go check out the blog at uttarosports.tumblr.com. I bring it up because part of being a fan blog is knowing when you got a real piece of fan culture and running with it. I was beginning to enjoy the Post-Hockey summer when this began… well it actually began a while ago. Back in February I put up the four axis of Buffalo Sabres twitter. It was just one of those funny pseudo-charts meant to be a meme really. The humor I suppose came from how it could be seen as somewhat accurate while certainly not being scientific. I think it was the most liked thing I’ve ever put on any social media. I did a 2.0 version of that and its not out of the realm of possibility I do a 3.0 version come the 2019-2020 season. This is background for what you probably came here for: the Sabres Twitter Comedy Index… or at least some kind of explanation about WTF it is. I am not going to take full credit for the index. Chad DeDominicis was one of the guys who dug up the axis of Sabres Twitter recently and renewed the fun because it’s the offseason and hockey twitter generally is kind of boring right now. He made it clear to me what should be pretty obvious: the most fun part of it is the comedy corner of the chart. That’s where the idea began and now… well here we are!

I write here we are that way because 20 slots are far too few to recognize all the funny people on Sabres Hockey Twitter. I’m not just saying that to kiss ass. Making this ranking was very hard. From the time I got all twenty slots filled to the time I said I’m going with this I changed the ranking probably 35 times. If you’re coming here thinking “Why I am I not on this list?” I have a couple things to say to you. For one, calm down it’s totally arbitrary and pretty stupid if we’re all being honest with ourselves. Secondly, know that there is literally a list of the first fourteen out. Yeah, I think there are at least 34 twitter accounts who deserve to be on this list. If you really think you were snubbed you’re probably on that list. Thirdly, there is a deeper logic to the order of the list though, once again it is totally arbitrary. The most basic logic behind this is that these are tweeters who make twitter funny. There are hundreds of people who make being a Sabres fan fun, but this list is about Sabres twitter specifically and being funny on it. That also has an impact on the list in that twitter itself is important here. If you have a radio show or blog for a website that has a staff and holy crap…if you’re paid to talk about the Sabres… well that definitely bumped you down or off the rankings. In those cases we’re talking about people whose platform is bigger than twitter. That said, I’m not going to be a comedy gatekeeper. The world is shitty enough right now that we don’t need some dweeby graduate student who likes hockey trying to determine what is and isn’t funny. All forms of humor probably have some representation on this list. A few other quick things to consider about how I did this ranking: activity and expertise matters. If you hardly tweet about Sabres hockey or haven’t tweeted much about Sabres hockey in a long while, well that’s going to hurt your chances on the index. Similarly expertise matters because this is a twitter community based on one shared interest: the Buffalo Sabres. What you know about the Sabres matters in how your humor lands on Sabres twitter. If you’re making deep cut jokes about Ted Nolan’s relationship with Dominic Hasek and how it connects in some way to Rasmus Ristolainen getting choked out by Jon Scott, well that may help you on the ranking. That was an example attempting to be a joke by the way. There is a lot of that here. One last thing: if you’re an asshole you’re not on the index. If you are exclusionary in any way that makes you an asshole and therefore bounces you off this here index. So let’s finally talk about the list you just read.

There was indeed a moment I said Fuck it. This was actually hard because I knew it wasn’t going to be too much like the four-axis chart, but I knew that ought to have an impact too. Some radio personalities and big bloggers are on the list, but I generally did keep them out of the top ten. I don’t want those folks to be excluded either so the ones that really help make Sabres twitter the funny place it is are on there. Chad DeDominicis and Anthony Sciandra for example were in the top twenty in the early going but after a while got pushed off because there are so many twitter-first folks who are just as funny if not funnier. Sorry guys, thanks for having me on the podcast. The top 5 were folks who checked all the boxes: they’re all longtime Sabres tweeters who hardly drop off even in the offseason. None of those guys have blogs, not even a shitty fan-first blog like this. They’re all strictly Sabres tweeters. Sure, not every single tweet is about the Sabres but come on now. @essbeeay is the funniest follow on Sabres twitter right now because he is one of those meme-lord types who not only gets those funny screengrabs but also bridges pop culture into following the team we all love. He very nearly does it all. The top spot was in fact a race between him and Ben Matheson. It was so close and at the end of the day I just had to go with the one whose been around longer. @BLMC88, I believe her name is Brittany, occupies the 4 spot because she has tweeted some absolute slappers. Some of her jokes about Casey Mittelstadt this past season still stick with me. Everyone else in the top ten is similarly a different level of meme-lord. The Funnel Guy is in there because, once again, I am not going to be a comedy gatekeeper here. His less family-friendly brand of humor is funny too. There are three tweeters in the top ten who could be classified as bloggers: Chris Ostrander, the pizzaman and Max Marko. Consider Chris Ostrander the representative of deadpan humor in the top ten. I felt a little guilty putting a guy whose done radio hits in the top ten but the way 2ITB delivers his brand of Sabres humor on twitter is just too good. Three traditional media personalities made the index and if you’re a regular on Sabres twitter you probably know why. Jeremy White is on here because historically speaking he gave birth to what, in retrospect, is one of the funnier sides of Sabres twitter and that is Tank Twitter. I hardly got a taste of that world but it’s on a whole other level. Let’s not go back there for a long time. By this point the other radio guys who tweeted about this should understand why they’re in the bottom ten or not on the list. A couple of those guys are in the first fourteen out and you, dear reader, may also be on that list. That list is a Beyond The Blade exclusive so if you want to know that list you need to listen to the live show as saved in podcast form over with the nice guys at BTB. They’re a great follow too by the way.

Part of the reason this index happened was because it’s the offseason and the NHL hockey world is rather dormant right now. However I have considered doing this index again… maybe yearly, maybe quarterly, absolutely not more than that. I don’t know, this is a fan reaction blog so I suppose that will be determined by… well fan reaction. If it ever happens again it will be a Top 25 list. I don’t think a Top 50 list is really possible, but the idea has gone through my head as the Sabres enter their fiftieth season on the ice. Considering this is an arbitrary exercise in meme humor for a small community within the already niche sport of hockey this could be the very last mention of the Sabres Twitter Comedy Index and that wouldn’t be the least bit surprising. If you enjoyed this than I think you will enjoy regular New Look Sabres blog content once it starts up again in earnest at the end of August. Follow me @UttaroSports and follow the Uttaro Sports blog itself on Tumblr at UttaroSports.tumblr.com. Right now Uttaro Sports is going to be dominated by Soccer content because it’s July but trust me, Sabres hockey stuff is always simmering under the surface. For now: like, share and comment on this blog. While you’re engaging with this blog go follow Beyond The Blade @BTBHockey as well as the accounts of the great dudes behind that podcast. I hope to hear from you too and right now I frankly expect to hear from you. I’m ready for your @ tweets.

Thanks for reading.

P.S. And hey, maybe try out Soccer. I love the sport and so should you. I’ll be putting out some stuff for getting into soccer later this month on the blog if you feel so inclined.

#buffalo sabres #hockey #twitter #blog #nhl

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