#strangely I’m more solid on the overarching stuff like gender/sexuality and don’t feel as much uncertainty there

[arihi]

There are small quirks about me. Like if my stomach is cold, I’m 80% likely to get a stomachache in the next 30 minutes, or how my hands are pretty consistently warm, and when I start to get sick or feel ill my icy fingers are the first symptom. I’m self-conscious about how my legs look, but bulking up and putting on muscle makes me feel more okay with them. It’s all small stuff, everyone has similar things and they’re not quite unique, but observing them in myself makes me feel like an observable person instead of a zoned-out passenger in my own body going along with the path of least resistance. And it makes me feel more like me. (And I like it.)

#I still struggle with identity sometimes #strangely I’m more solid on the overarching stuff like gender/sexuality and don’t feel as much uncertainty there #but it’s the small stuff like what kind of music do I like and what ARE my hobbies #I talked about it way too much on this blog back then in the Before Times and I’m not trying to overshare #but I can’t describe how 100% set in stone my life practically was because it was expected to be decided for me #and I didn’t treasure myself enough to want better for me #(also why I bounce off of drone stuff specifically in hypnokink and doll stuff needs to be worded the right way) #feelings about perceiving and perception of myself as of late #I get uncomfortable sometimes when people perceive me in a way I don’t expect #because I think it forces me to confront the fact I don’t always feel solid in my own identity #so how are others seeing me exactly? what are they seeing? #because I’m not sure what I’m performing #anyway I haven’t done my nightly recordings in a long time so now YOU’RE getting my late night introspection lmao #personal