#that bullshit pissed me off so much when I was reading TCS

[anonil88]

please... (rules fanfic)

This is on Ao3 too. In my head this is just one of the things that could happen when Jules finds out Rue relapsed and that she isn’t there for her.

Tw: panic attack

Italics are Jules’ texts.

Jules snuggled into Anna's side and sighed heavily. This had been fun fucking around with Anna and TC. Hanging with their friends who were quickly becoming her friends. It was fun drinking night after night and getting fucked up. She actually enjoyed being around people who were just as gay and weird as she was. It was fun learning what she liked being done to her body and what she liked to do to someone else. Anna was deep asleep under her and when she moved she barely flinched.

Jules moved away and got up off the mattress. This had been fun but she missed home. Not nate, the bullshit, or even that shitty ass highschool. Suffocating that's why she left, right. Still she missed her dad, her bed, her clothes god she missed those, and her friends. Riding her bike around the cul de sac, through the field at all hours of the afternoon and night, and to meet with Rue. Rue who she'd texted a million times for the past 3 nights and 2 days and gotten no response from. She texted her a long ass apology as soon as she stopped crying on the train to the city but got no response. Nothing just silence for 2 days straight. Jules hoped she wasn't actually too pissed at her to respond.

She even texted Kat to see if she heard anything and she said she'd been hanging out with Ethan. She contemplated calling but stopped herself because Rue really hated phone calls. There was nothing on social media at all not even from Lexi who usually hung out with Rue when she wasn't or couldn't. She spent those 2 days throwing herself into whatever Anna wanted to do and whatever she could get away with. It all felt like a blur when the nights were done and she woke up to do it all again the next morning.

Finally she got why Rue and her mother drowned everything in alcohol and pills. Finally she understood the appeal of an escape but it always ended up feeling crappy when she woke up the next morning with a hangover sent from hell. Jules hunched over herself and felt drops of water fall onto her thighs. Her phone sat in her hands as she scrolled through pictures of her with Rue and with everyone else. She wiped the tears with the edge of the sleeve and tried to smile. At least she had those times and at least she could go back and things would be the same. At least she was starting to find herself now and maybe she'd be able to go back at 150 percent for everyone. Maybe she'd finally be able to tell Nate and his entire family to fuck off and leave her the hell alone.

A text from Lexi popped up and she thought thank god someone was finally getting back to her. Her dad only left a message asking where she was and that he was worried but she texted him that she was okay. It was weird he didn't respond but she thought maybe just maybe he trusted her. Trusted her to know what was right for her like he always had.

Did no one tell you?

Tell me what?

Fuck. Jules I don't  know how to say this.

Say what? Is everything okay?

Fuck.

Lexi is my dad okay?

Yea but, Rue isn't .

What do you mean? Another kidney infection?

Jules leaned back on the bed to lay down. All of the sudden she felt light headed and sick. Her stomach clenched and she went to her thread with Rue.

Text me back please.

Nothing, a notification popped up from Lexi and she swiped it away to ignore it. She texted Rue again.

Come on Rue, text me back.

She stared at the screen that wasn't changing and her heart started to race. Another notification from Lexi, Ignore. The tears started to sting her eyes as they formed, stupid eye glitter.

I'm not kidding Rue.

I love you.

A notification from her Dad dropped down and all Jules could read while tears started to pour down her cheeks was I am so sorry kid. Jules swiped ignore and went to text Rue again.Then the messages all said seen and a typing icon popped up. Her heart felt relief, Rue was going to tell her she was okay. That nothing bad had happened this time she'd left.

Fuck you Jules. Fuck you for fucking leaving her. Do you know how much my sister fucking loves you.

Gia, her heart sank to the bottom of her stomach. Jules felt her throat start to close. Of course she knew and Rue knew how much she loves her. Rue knew she wasn't just fucking around she really fucking loved her. Loved her so much that all she could do to feel safe was think of Rue. She'd think of Rue telling her how many bad decisions she was making, holding her instead of Anna at night, kissing her instead of some stranger at the club. Fuck Rue had to know she loved her.

I love her.

She ODed again Jules.

Jules felt her heart tighten to the point it felt like she couldn't breath. Her vision was blurry and she couldn't even gasp for air. Not her Rue it couldn't be. Her body felt numb.

Not her Rue who looked at her like she radiated, who always held her so softly, or who cradled her face when they laid in bed together. Her Rue had been clean for 3 months. 3 whole fucking months of NA and then getting straight with her bipolar meds. Jules laid on the bed and gasped for air to hold onto. Anna was still asleep and she didn't want to bother the girl who had begged her to stop "whining about Rue." Looking at the screen one more time she closed her eyes. Not her fucking Rue. It could have been anyone in the world she didn't care about, just not Rue.

Inhaling her sobs she pulled her knees to her chin trying to think what to do next. There was plenty of alcohol in the room that she could black out and forget this ever happened. Pass out and fall asleep into a dream where it was only her and Rue and Rue was safe.  She felt her whole body shaking and the phone glowed brightly behind her closed. Opening her eyes she looked at the message before closing her eyes and letting out a cry that woke up Anna.

She's alive but she's in a coma.

Your dad's here.

My mom wants you to come.

Rue would want you here.

"What's wrong," Anna groggily asked sitting up slowly. Jules could hear the slight I'm still drunk in her voice.

Jules inhaled and exhaled sharply, "I need to go home."

Anna yawned and rubbed her back, " Homesick already, Miss your Dad? "

Jules tucked into her knees further, hugging herself tighter and tighter. Wishing it was Rue's arms in that burgundy hoodie that smelled like a carton of Newports. Her breathing was erratic in her chest as she cried and cried. Her brain was replaying all those moments she had with Rue. Rue letting her play with her fingers, taking stupid nudes with her when they should have been for her, watching love island, getting to hold her while she slept. It went on and on and on even after the tears stopped flowing and all she could do was cry vocally. Why was she always fucking up things, why did she always loose who she loved, and why was she still in this bed. She was pretty sure she was in shock but she didn't care if she stopped breathing altogether.

"I need to go home," she choked out.

..................

Jules felt like a zombie the entire train ride back home. Her bag sat on her lap and she stared out the window just waiting to get to her dad's car. It was like her brain was stuck on channel one and white noise was the only thing on. It was a similar set up in the car with her dad. She sprinted to his car and before he could get too many words in they were on the way to the hospital. Jules just looked out the dash window with a blank look on her face. She almost cracked when she saw Leslie and Gia in the white tiled hallway. They looked like two ghost lingering waiting for the dead. Going through this once had been hell and a second time looked like it had gutted them. Jules felt like she was going to be sick but looked at the ground to avoid the sadness in Leslie's eyes.

She swallowed thickly and whispered, "I am so sorry."

Without asking Leslie pulled her into a tight hug and said over and over, "It's not your fault." She knew it wasn't  completely her fault, but she knew some of the blame was hers. She hadn't been the best friend in those last moments she saw Rue. Hell she'd lied to her about a lot too, for her safety from crazy ass Nate, but a lie. When Leslie let go Jules whispered sorry again because somehow her tears came back and ruined the shoulder of her shirt. She glanced at Gia who gave her a look made of steel making her quickly look away.

Everything Leslie was telling her about what happened was going in one ear and kind of sticking but sliding out the other. When they finally said she could go in the room she sat in a chair at the edge of Rue's bed. Jules held her hand and looked up at her friend who had wires attached to her, something dripping into her, and tubes coming from her face. The only sounds in the room were the monitor tracking Rue's heart rate beeped and the ventilator attached to Rue. Jules squeezed Rue's hand and smiled, it was missing rings and Rue would have hated that.  

"Please wake up," Jules said while rubbing her thumb over Rue's. "Please, I love you."

#euphoria #euphoria hbo #fanfiction #euphoria fanfic #wlw fandom #rue x jules #rules euphoria #rue bennett #jules vaughn #my writing

[roslinadama-sinequanon]

Major Crimes Re-Watch-D.O.A.

So, yes there was a case but you won’t read much about that in this synopsis. There was too much going on with the Sharon and Jack dynamic and the case totally paled by comparison. Looking back on these Jack episodes makes it even more apparent why Sharon needed to take things so slow with Andy and why it took her so long to trust in what they had. Another thing that I hadn’t thought of before is the financial aspect of things. In this episode Sharon talks about how Jack never helped her financially, never paid child support, didn’t help pay for their kids college and that he totally messed up their credit and it took her years to get untangled from his bad debt. That made me realize what a really huge step it was for her to agree to buy a house with Andy. It really attests to the depth of her feelings for him and her complete trust in him, that she was willing to combine her finances with his to buy the house even before they were married. Considering the writers of MC don’t focus at all on how Sharon and Andy really feel we have to kind of work that all out in our own heads.

“There's someone in the house"

The only time in FIVE YEARS that we got to see Sharon Raydor in bed and the scene was with...guess whom? Surprise, surprise...RUSTY. 'Nuff said. Right from the get go we see that although Sharon and Jack are technically still married, there is definitely no longer any type of physical relationship. Jack went directly to the spare room and upon finding it locked went to the kitchen. He did not go to Sharon's bedroom nor try to wake her. 

“Jack, what are you doing here?"

Sharon is so not pleased to see him. The minute she heard his voice answering the phone, she gets a look of disgust. Also, instead of just confronting him, she kicks the refrigerator in to scare him...hard…she's pissed...and holds her gun on him--even though she knew it was him. It gives the viewers immediate insight into their relationship and it‘s definitely a “Fasten your seatbelts it‘s gonna be a bumpy ride“ moment.

"Jack what are you doing here at 3:00am without calling me."

At first, I thought this was just typical Jack behavior and that Sharon allowed him to come and go at will, but that obviously is NOT the case. She is totally ticked off that he just showed up and presumed to make himself at home without having called her for permission.

Showing up in the middle of the night like this is incredibly rude. He hasn’t been in contact with Sharon in over five years and yet he obviously was not concerned that he might be walking in on anything with Sharon and another man, which is also telling of their relationship. However, if he'd waited another two years he might have walked in on Sharon in bed with Andy--now wouldn't that have been a great scene? Anyway, I think his decision to just show up wasn’t just an oblivious lack of consideration. It was deliberate. Jack is desperate and he knows if he called Sharon to ask if he could stay with her, she probably would have said no. Their kids are no longer living with her and she has no reason to put him up. By just showing up, he knows it will be harder for her to send him away and it will give him a better chance to charm and manipulate her into letting him stay. Squatter’s rights and all.

"Good old Jack Raydor, you know it was a shame when he moved to Vegas. What? I liked him."

Oh my, hard to believe now that there was ever a time that Andy liked Jack. But I can see it. I am NOT a fan of Jack Raydor's but I can see where he would be a fun guy to hang out with. It sounds like maybe way back when he and Andy might have hung out at the same bar a few times and shared a few drinks and a few "war stories" Andy is also a fun guy and he likes to tell stories too, though I never feel like Andy is trying to put on a show the way Jack always seems to be doing.  Of course, now that Andy is in love with Sharon, knows the real history of Jack and has also gotten to see the dark, selfish, nasty side of the man through his dealings with Major Crimes, he can't stand the guy. I love the Andy/Jack testosterone laced scenes. Provenza on the other hand has always seen right through Jack's bullshit and never liked him.

“Sharon, who the hell is this?”

“You took the words right out of my mouth young fella'“

I can’t help but wonder what Jack's first thought was upon seeing a young teenage boy in his pajamas at Sharon's at 3:00am LOL. Also, really Rusty? Sharon had a gun and you thought you needed a lamp. It was a sweet gesture though.

“What are you moving in or something?”

“No...NO.”

Nope, he's not welcome. Jack was definitely right to make the sneak attack.Still cannot figure out why Jack goes on about his soymilk, almond milk and going gluten free. Is he trying to show Sharon he’s trying to make healthier decisions? If so, that’s another Andy parallel.

“You can stay on the couch for the 2 days that I usually give you.” Sharon and her rules. She has very clear boundaries with Jack. It sounds like whenever he deigned to show up she allowed him 2 days at her home to visit with the kids and then he had to move on. So, obviously this is not the first time he’s shown up hoping to overstay his welcome.

“Jack looks much less stressed than the last time I saw him. Getting back on the court appointed list should help give him a fresh start.”

“For the 100th time.”

“Not a terrific husband I guess. But lots of natural charm.”

“None of which he wasted on raising his children and oddly enough charm doesn't pay for college.”

Jack being around is definitely throwing Sharon. The entire time she's in talking to Taylor she keeps looking out at Jack who is out putting on a show for her colleagues and Rusty. What makes this conversation interesting is that, first of all, she's having it with Taylor and she seems perfectly comfortable discussing her personal life and the details of her marriage with him so it‘s pretty apparent that they all (Taylor, Provenza, Andy, maybe Tao) know how Jack comes and goes from her life. It also shows us that Sharon has given Jack dozens of chances to change his life and he has screwed them up every time and that he did not help raise his children nor offer any financial help to her. You can also tell that while she'd enabled him before, as of right now she is just simply done with him Also, Taylor says "getting back on the court appointed list" so this is not the first time Jack has had to resort to this to try to reclaim his law career and make a fresh start. Lastly, this is the scene where they screwed up and showed Mary wearing her own glasses rather than Sharon's as she tries to get Rusty's attention. I gotta say, I like Sharon's glasses, but I like Mary’s better. In that moment, her tapping on the window to get Rusty’s attention we can see that Sharon is worried about Rusty being sucked in by Jack’s charm. She knows what Jack is all about and knows that whatever kind of friendship might form between them, Jack will have no qualms walking away and she does not want to see Rusty get hurt, hence, why she keeps watching Jack and why she tries to get Rusty's attention to get him away from Jack.

“I don't mind sleeping on the couch if Jack wants my bed. It's closer to the TV.”

“It's closer to the front door which is why Jack is going to stay exactly where he is. I don’t want him getting too comfortable.”

“What’s the deal between you two, why are you still married?”“Well there are financial issues, there are religious issues and there are some things I can't explain and none of it is any of y

The first time I watched this episode my assumption was that the “something I can’t explain” applied to Sharon’s feelings for Jack. And I’m sure there was some of that. But a year later when Sharon asks Jack for the divorce and he tells her that if she’d really wanted a divorce she would have done it years ago, she tells him that the time that she needed a ring on her finger for her career is over. So, that brings a whole new light to the “things I can’t explain.” I’m sure in the early years Sharon went through a lot of sexual harassment--another reason to check off in her decision to join the PSB and clean the department up.

“Rusty do not get attached to Jack. He only stays as long as it takes to get what he wants.”

Sharon is very world-weary at this point. She's been through it herself, has been through her with her two children and she doesn't want Rusty to have to go through it too. By offering to give Jack the couch Sharon can see that Rusty is already being seduced by Jack.

“Take a good long look in the mirror Susan because the only person you're fooling is you.”

I always love watching Andy with the addicts. He is no nonsense with them and doesn’t cut them any slack but is also always trying to get them to see the light and face their problems. I would love to see him with some of the guys he's sponsored

. “A few years ago I had this big case, huge payday, 200 grand. You know what I did with it? I played three months in poker tournaments.”

“Three months of poker tournaments? How much did you win?”

“Ohhhhhh....I didn't. But I was so close.”

The story of Jack's life. The bastard won 200,000 in a legitimate court case and instead of paying Sharon back child support or giving his kids money for college, he pissed it all away playing poker. The sad thing is that Rusty is impressed by this. It's no wonder Sharon does not want Rusty falling under Jack's influence and it's probably a good thing that Jack was an absentee parent to Emily and Ricky. They were much better off with just Sharon to guide them.

“In 30 years I've never seen you put a toothpick in your mouth.” At first, I thought that line was thrown in just to show how long Jack has known Sharon, however, as @milquetoast-on-acid pointed out; it was probably more like foreshadowing for Andy becoming a part of Sharon’s life. Andy often had a toothpick in his mouth on TC so evidently she’s had toothpicks in her cupboard all these years just waiting for Andy to come along and use them :-)

“Are you gambling?”

and

“Rusty are you finished studying?

Sharon as the killjoy--- I think this is often how Jack really sees Sharon--a few seasons later he makes the comment “who would show up here sober”. Sharon is Jack’s conscience and she is becoming Rusty’s conscience. She is the responsible one and she is also desperately trying to keep Rusty from getting too involved with Jack. But Rusty is starved for affection and here is Jack with all kinds of time on his hands who is able to focus all his attention on getting into Rusty’s good graces. Jack isn’t stupid; he’s a master manipulator who has been manipulating Sharon for years. He knows her Achilles heel is her children (The only reason Sharon allows him to stay past his allotted time is because he caves in to her blackmail and calls Ricky and Emily) and right away he can see that she views Rusty as one of her children. Since he does not have a relationship with his own children, Rusty is the best bet. And for Rusty, living under Mom’s rules, Jack is a breath of fresh air. Jack is the one who plays upon Rusty’s worst instincts and makes them okay, whereas Sharon is always steering him do the right thing and making him feel bad when he does not. The same can be said for Rusty’s two  father figures. Andy and Provenza are more parental figures while Jack is like the misfit black sheep uncle who returns to wreak havoc. He is fun and doesn’t play by the rules and he seems to enjoy spending time with Rusty, of course Rusty is seduced. “That's easy; Jack can see your cards reflected in those ridiculous sunglasses he probably talked you into wearing.”

“Oh my god you had me fooled the entire time.”

“That's his specialty.”

Again, Sharon is trying to keep Rusty from falling under Jack's spell, but instead of heeding her warning or being pissed at Jack for cheating he’s just impressed with Jack’s cunning and thinks he’s cool.

 “Rusty it's after 10.  I don't want to hear any complaining.”

Again, we have the Sharon and Jack as polar opposites, Sharon wanting Rusty to do what's good for him, to follow the rules she's laid out etc whereas Jack is all about fun and not caring about the fact that Rusty has school the next day. Sometimes opposites work--in the case of Sharon and Andy who balance each other out--and other times the behavior is so opposite that it grates and creates a division as between Sharon and Jack. However, at this point Jack is still treading very lightly and does back Sharon up.

“I guess it's your place.”

Sharon definitely bought the condo on her own. My head canon says they originally  had a house which she sold after Ricky went off to college, which is when she bought her condo, hence, why Jack has no leverage with her when it comes to staying there. “We agreed on two nights, this is the second night.”“I could go pick up the kid tomorrow at school.I"m free.”

The first time I watched the Jack episodes I thought he seemed like an okay guy--it seemed like he was being kind to Rusty and was trying to help out. It was only later that I realized he was totally using Rusty to butter Sharon up so he could eventually get her to co-sign for his apartment--though I’m sure he did enjoy spending time with Rusty. Having never been burned by him like the rest of the family, Rusty looks at Jack with admiration and Jack feeds off that

. "What’s the matter?"

Jack groans pretending to be hurt and even in this moment, you can hear the suspicion in Sharon's voice when she asks him that question. This is a woman who has really been burned by this guy. There is not one iota of trust left her when it comes to him. Love the steely glare Sharon gives Jack when he gets too close. She might be an enabler, but she does have very definite boundaries with him and hanky panky is certainly out of the question. She’s moved on even though it’s pretty apparent that Jack hasn’t.

“My apologies for interfering. I just feel kind of sorry for the kid.”

Oops, wrong thing to say. The minute he says this you see Sharon's face just freeze.  He feels sorry for Rusty but never felt sorry for his own biological children?

“Can I get ya a blanket you look cold.

”“Maybe that's because you've spent more time with Rusty in the past 2 days than you have with our own kids in the last five years.”

“Don't start Sharon. I can't change the past; I can only try to do better.”

This is a conversation they’ve evidently had hundreds of times. Sadly, this is all lip service with Jack. He doesn’t really care about doing better.

“A man can change his face, he can change his name, but changing his nature is very hard.”

Speaking from experience, she's talking  as much about Jack as she is about Jim, the suspect. She’s realized that no matter how many times Jack says he’s going to change, how many times he thinks he’s going to change he simply cannot change who he is who he is.

“If you completely changed, why are you back in another police station? Being arrested for first degree murder.”

Again, the parallel between Jim the suspect and Jack. Jack is right back where he started, trying yet again to get his life back on track, mooching off Sharon and avoiding his children.

Andy is still eating French fries at this point.

“So this is what this drive through is really all about? You want me to co -sign for an apartment.”

“Would you?”

“Absolutely not. I spent years getting untangled from your finances, Jack; I'm not going back there.

This is what Sharon has been waiting for. From the moment Jack arrived, she knew he wanted something from her and now she knows what it is. We also now find out that not only did Jack not give her child support or help her financially he actually  screwed her over messing up her credit and putting her in debt. For someone who did something like that, it's hard to believe that he has the nerve to come back and ask her for help like this. When these episodes first aired, I thought Jack was a rather charming irresponsible lout. Now watching it again, he really comes off as rather embarrassingly weak and pathetic.  How can he not feel any shame at having to beg his wife and play the "poor me card" for help? I was embarrassed for him.

“I guess I'll have to call my brother.”

“Oh my god why do I always end up feeling sorry for you.”

Probably because contrary to her former image, she has such a compassionate heart and likes to help people. And maybe because she can still remember the Jack she originally fell in love with, and there are still a few sparks of him in the pathetic man he has become.

“I've had to negotiate with her my entire adult life.”

The first indication we have that he and Sharon married very young.

“Calling your kids, why is that a problem?

”“Sometimes Rusty you let down the people you love and you don’t know how to start over again, isn't that true Jack?”

“The kids don't want to talk to me.”

“You’re right, they don't want to talk you, but they NEED to talk to you and they will. NOW. Otherwise the Best Western is right down the street.”

This is something very important to Sharon; you can hear her voice start to break with emotion when she says they need to talk to him. Sharon may have been an enabler but she is no pushover. Rusty gets the first inkling into who Jack really is and that maybe there is a reason that Sharon is so wary of him. And for the first time we see real genuine emotion in Jack. When he says the kids don't want to talk to him, there are real tears in his eyes. He knows how badly he has messed up, so badly his kids don't want anything to do with him and if it wasn't for Sharon that's the way it would probably still be today. S As for Sharon she's frustrated with having Jack around; worried about how he's affecting Rusty, yet, if she can blackmail him into calling their kids she'll deal with all that fallout. She is not doing it for Jack; she is doing it for her kids. She wants them to have some kind of a relationship with their father, even if it comes from him being forced into it. And this is such a HUGE difference between Jack and Andy. Andy is willing to do whatever it takes to work on his relationship with his kids, and it is genuine and comes from the heart--not from being blackmailed. I’m thinking that some of the emotions left over from the Jack visit are what spurs Sharon on to help Andy in his quest to be more involved in his daughter’s life and to accompany him to Nicole’s wedding. She can see how much Andy is hurting and how badly he wants to repair things and I’m sure she wishes that Jack felt for Emily just a touch of what Andy feels for Nicole. I think seeing how emotionally invested Andy is truly touches Sharon and it is the start of her opening her heart to him. 

“You know she's going to call them back to see what you said.”“Of course will, but that's partly because she's still crazy about me.”

Oh the look Rusty gives him, like "are you nuts" LOL. I really think that it is the other way around. I think that despite everything Jack is still crazy about Sharon. I don't think that Sharon is still crazy about Jack. I think she still cares about Jack  and that she still loves him, but is no longer “in love” with him and that for her, being in a relationship with him again is out of the question whereas I think Jack would love to slip right back into her bed and start playing hubby again. But it wouldn‘t last. He can‘t live the way Sharon lives. I saw a comment somewhere about Jack still wearing his wedding ring, while Sharon doesn’t. To be honest, I don’t think Jack wears that ring out of any attachment to his marriage. I think it all comes down to manipulation with him. I doubt he had that wedding ring on when he lived in Vegas, however, he puts it on when he comes home to Sharon because he wants her to help him, wants her to still see him as her husband, wants her to think he still sees them as a married couple.  It’s funny but people often talk about Sharon having not been able to move on, but I don’t agree. Sharon has moved on. She’s made a great life for herself without him, he’s the one who keeps running back to her–and she’s not particularly pleased about that. She has very clear boundaries with him and is really more focused on his relationship or lack thereof with their children. 

“Richard William Raydor.

Right away, the genuine Jack is gone and "show Jack" is back on. He's putting on an act for Ricky and for Sharon and that is very sad. Throughout this episode it feels like Jack is always putting on a show. I get the feeling that for all his confidence and bravado, Jack is not very happy with who he is inside so he's always putting on a show,presenting a face far different from who he is on the inside. When I think of Jack Raydor, I think of an old-fashioned snake oil salesman or con artist.

#sharon raydor #Major Crimes #andy flynn #shandy #jack raydor #sharon and jack raydor's dysfunctional relationship

[eeejay-blog1]

You ever feel like you’re the worst patient ever?

I’m this weird combination of “reads actual medical journals and comes at his docs with way more mumbo-jumbo than they expect from a slummy-looking 22-yr-old” and “will ignore his docs’ advice, skip his meds, bitch and moan about every side effect, and then complain about how nothing works”

Example: so a week from today, I have a followup with the urologist, physiatrist, and neurosurgeon. Now, the physi is probably gonna poke me with needles, test my reflexes, and ask me why I prefer to drag my dead foot around rather than wear an AFO. Not much to challenge there. The neuro is probably gonna look at some MRIs (which still confuses me, it seems like everyone else with TCS gets an MRI like six months after the detether but whatever), poke my back and make sure I’m not oozing cerebrospinal fluid, and so on. Again, not much to question there. I’ll probably just bitch at him about my meds for an hour.

But the urologist...fuck, man, I hate those guys. I especially hate the GP and Uro I first saw a couple years back, who hit me with all that first-line bullshit like “have you tried not drinking alcohol? cutting tomatoes out of your diet? not drinking so much water?” Like yes you clods, my auntie has interstitial cystitis so I know all the diet and lifestyle tricks, tried them, they didn’t work, that’s why I’m in your office. And I drink almost exactly 3 litres of water every day, any less than that and my piss is dark yellow all day, which I know for a fact is not healthy. I even brought two weeks’ worth of a voiding diary, without being asked, because I know that’s some shit they always ask you to do so they can rule out simply drinking too much water.

Then without bothering to do urodynamics or take an MRI, he put me on Detrol, which was four months of absolute hell for my brain and body. His mentality was like “oh it’s just overactive bladder, no big deal, just take these pills and you’ll be fine.” All it accomplished was taking me from pissing myself 4x a day to 2x a day, which really doesn’t change much as far as my lifestyle’s concerned. So once I got fed up, he agreed to do urodynamics, and literally THE WHOLE TIME I WAS NAGGING HIS EAR OFF like “you’re trying to find out how I normally piss? Well, my definition of a normal piss certainly ain’t one with two hoses in my dick and a balloon up my ass, so I’m not quite sure what you’re gonna find out” 

Same exact scenario when I got a different uro back at school. He was mentioning a lot of retention during urodynamics, which has never been an issue before, and no other test has found pre- or post-op, and I straight up told him “look, I can’t empty out all the way if I’m using a urinal in a crowded restroom. What makes you think I can empty all the way with you staring straight at it?”

And fun fact: I’ve only ever had a UTI twice in my life. Once after that first urodynamic study, and again after the second uro’s nurse tried teaching me to self-cath. Yet they claimed that I needed to self-cath, or else I’d be at risk of catching a UTI? That’s ass-backwards, and when I called up that uro to send my records to my current uro, I was literally growling through the phone to tell him how wrong he was.

My current uro seems nicer and more knowledgable, but I can already predict the conversation we’re gonna have:

“You shouldn’t be using pads so much, they’re bad for your skin” Okay dude I shower every day, use mad moisturizer and lotion, and there’s literally nothing else that works while I’m sleeping

“Your leakage doesn’t seem entirely volume-dependent, so you need meds to stop the detrusor spasms” Dawg we’ve already been down the med route, unless you wanna try me on one of those new ones that doesn’t have the same side effects of Detrol, I’mma throw them out as soon as you prescribe em.

“A catheter would be far easier to deal with” Uhh no. I psychologically cannot bring myself to self-cath, no matter the size or the lube it hurts every time. And if you’re putting a Foley in me, you better give me some strong ass sleeping pills too cause my body can’t just forget when that shit’s inside me.

“Well here’s a bunch of surgical options” and that’s when I’ll limp outta that office and probably never see another urologist again. Like come on homie, respect me respecting my body.

Even if I’m not the most difficult patient this guy’s ever seen, I’mma certainly be his biggest headache of the day. Plus I’ve passive-aggressively been keeping a voiding diary since the day I got discharged, and he’s sure as hell gonna raise his bushy ass eyebrows when he reads my weird formatting like “5:42 AM, woke up mid void (120ml) leaked more on the way to bathroom (70ml) gave up and flopped onto the couch to deal with that shit in the morning (50ml)”