#thats such a core moment of my life i owe so much to this fucking band and this fucking song

[thepictureofsdr]

i saw your post about alastair and now im curious about all ut thoughts on Matthew

this ask. is like half a year old. I am So Sorry however i have thought about it literally every day bc my feelings on him are so… complex

i think i can break it down into two categories: 1. his character in context of the whole series, and 2. the bubble of his character, not taking into account his actions and impact towards other people

1. um. he makes me SO MAD. listen i have said time and time again that the thieves dont owe alastair forgiveness but that doesn’t extend to matthew actively trying to fuck up alastairs life. what pisses me off is that this whole agenda is centered on matthews wants, its not because he cares about his friends and wants them away from someone he thinks is bad. when he tells thomas about alastair at the party, there’s no concern for thomas. hes told at their best friends party, probably the first night of happiness since his sister was killed, while intoxicated and very much in public. math didnt take thomas aside or wait for a better moment. [I DONT HATE MATH I JUST LOVE THOMAS] matthew doesnt like alastair, so no one can like alastair, even if he has to hurt others to obtain that. hes very clearly stringing the other thieves along in this its just for him, they all like alastair or dont care about the past. kit doesnt give a shit, james respects alastair to a degree and thomas is head over heels. he even manages to make cordelia call his manipulation of alastair “kind.” he condemns alastair for spreading rumours yet he himself has deemed spreading gossip fun [i can’t STAND hypocrisy its a very easy way to get me to dislike a character unfortunately] he unconsciously blames alastair for the death of his sibling and now alastair and thomas are paying for it. understanding where a mental dip and lashing out are coming from can happen at the same time as not agreeing with it. i understand why matthew acts like this but that doesnt mean i can just ignore how matthew pushed alastair back down to his lowest yknow?

2. i adore him, and i sympathize with him, and he makes my heart hurt in every possible way. he was my tied fave character in tales, this young energetic boy who wants to be friends w the quiet kid, who stood up for his friends, and my heart SHATTERED when i read the poison story. at his core hes a genuinely good person, so i can’t even imagine the guilt thats been crushing him all these years. not only the pain of hurting his mother but killing the baby, my heart breaks every time i think about him and what he’s been carrying all these years. it hurts to even think about this burden hes placed on himself, the silence and ever growing self hatred and inherent belief that hes a problem. all i want is for him to receive that forgiveness hes been desperately needing for so long, and for him to see himself through the eyes of others, for him to see that goodness he possesses and the light he brings into the lives of others and for him to be loved as he so deserves.

there’s more but i cant lie im really scared of matthew lovers but also id feel so bad leaving this in drafts 😭 all in all my feelings on him are so complicated, i love him but hes also hurt someone else i love, hes a walking grey area. but i dont hate him, i feel like a lot of people are quick to assume any criticism is pure unfiltered hatred which clearly isn’t true considering my fave is ALASTAIR talk about someone who’s actions can be criticized 😭

#tysm for the ask!!! <3 #answered ask

[mousehole5000]

tgcf again chapters 174-191. im now midway through book 4. pain and suffering. and yet also.... this is really good.... but also.... pain...

okay cave of ten thousand gods everythings coming out into the light.... xie lian pretending not to hear fengqing drop their act im emotional..... fengqing silently working together to separate xie lian and hua cheng im emotional..... every word that comes out of mu qing’s mouth im emotional....

honestly reading the xianle trio discussing hua cheng.. its very hard for me NOT to project all the times ive been in a friendship trio and someone got a boyfriend the other two didnt like (which was every time. theres never been a bf everyone liked. sometimes i was the one who had the bf. there were no winners then and tbh i predict there will be no real winners here as far as this friendship goes but such is life)

mu qing is so smart he’s clever he’s tricksy i love it i love him ugh

“A pair of arms had circled around him from behind, and hugged him with force all of a sudden. Xie Lian had buried his face in his back, and also didn’t speak. Though nothing was said, it was enough.” okay i cant get into every different way im feeling about whats going down bc it would get Too Personal but this..... im emo. also xie lian saying “something like this has to be said clearly“ and then proceeding to not say a word just going in for a hug is a mood

“He heard Hua Cheng’s staggering voice coming from above. “...Your Highness. You really…will be the death of me.” - ok well DONT SAY THAT!! now im worried!!!

“Hua Cheng, however, only snorted, appearing as if his eyes could see through the thick rocky walls. He said darkly, “Don’t worry. If he kills one, I’ll make ten more. Fast and furious like the storms, I will never back down. Let’s see who’s the one left standing in the end.” Xie Lian’s heart skipped a beat for some reason, and he mumbled inwardly, “... Oh no, this is bad.” Even though Hua Cheng’s expression was subconsciously displayed, Xie Lian really was quite weak to this aggressive and rebellious confidence of his.” - fjadskfajsl its okay xie lian honey you never know whats going to do it for you

okay so are the murals and statues are only from the xianle era? im hoping hua cheng didnt secretly follow xie lian during his time as a mortal during the entire 800 years and then pretend to a total stranger that would be too much imo lets see. i still really do get why feng xin and mu qing are like “...dude wtf lets get out of here stay away from that guy” (also tbh probably if theyd all managed to stay close... this probably wouldnt be happening which isnt a judgement im just saying bc thats definitely how ive felt about friendships) although this whole thing IS indeed tinged with homophobia which i still dont think makes sense in this setting but whatever i guess.

BOOK 4!!!! im scared

“A few days ago he nearly fainted, and it was only after that did he realize it was because he hadn’t had anything to eat for several days.” - unfortunately relatable but :(

“Ever since Xie Lian was young, he had never had to consider these kinds of affairs, and this was truly the first time in decades that this problem gripped him. However, if gods didn’t even know what starvation felt like, how could they possibly understand the feelings of a starving worshipper? How could they possibly empathize? At this point, he could only take this experience as a form of training.” - TRUE THO!!!!!!!! i like seeing this even tho the circumstances are sad

wait does xie lian get his bad cooking skills from him mom? im gonna cry...

“After returning to the city, Mu Qing’s stomach was still turning. He said as he stumbled, “I thought…that porridge, it smelled like bran water, but I hadn’t thought it’d taste like it too!” Feng Xin gritted his teeth. “Shut up! Don’t force people to remember that pot of stuff! The queen is…body of ten thousand gold after all…never cooked…this is already…UGH!…” Mu Qing humphed. “Did I say something wrong? If you didn’t think it was like bran water, why don’t you…go ask the queen to grant you another bowl! UGH!…” The two were heaving back and forth, and Xie Lian grabbed hold of the both of them, patting their backs.” - xianle trio.... including simply because it made me do the pleading emoji in real life..... also the way the queen wanted to feed all of them... weeping

i didnt realize that mu qing would still be around during this time.... god the fact that i know theyre all going to split......

“It’s precisely because it’s a time like this that money has to be brought up!” Mu Qing countered. “A time like this? What time is it? Time when we’re starving! It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to admit it, but nothing can be done without money! Can you both not just suck it up a little bit?” - mu qing i love you. god.... for real the fact that he comes from a completely different background than the other two is so important to his character and i think it shows so much in the way he continues to be in the present. he gives me the vibe of someone who is smart and hardworking but is bitter about it and tbh!!!! i get why he is!!! he’s very aware of these kinds of concerns bc he’s had to be, while the other two kind of think theyre above it and its a big difference between them. he’s still separated by the circumstances of his birth despite how much harder he’s worked to get to where he is.... ugh painful and delicious

i really am enjoying the xianle story tbh. xie lian going from his highness, favored by heaven, well-intentioned but lacking in experience and understanding to living in poverty and fighting with mortals who disrespect him. fucking delicious i mean this sincerely and respectfully im sad but i really like his character arc. and then to how he is in the present....

“Mu Qing looked at him, speaking not a word. Then he bowed deeply and really turned around to walk away.” - OH NO ITS HAPPENING AHHHHH ;_; honestly all of this hurts but it feels real like i think mu qing has every right to want to leave honestly and he DOES have other family and other ambitions outside of the trio... and i get why feng xin is mad about him wanting to leave when theyre suffering!! and i get why xie lian lets him go.... friendships are hard man and the pain of them splitting is rough!!!!

“Mu Qing’s departure had really shocked him to the core. First, he had never thought that someone so close would just up and leave. Second, Xie Lian had always believed in “forever”. For example, friends would always be friends forever; no betrayal, no deception, no breaking up. Perhaps there’d be times when they’d part, but it for sure wouldn’t be over reasons like “life is too horrible” - pain. just pain. same as above i get it but it hurts

“Xie Lian didn’t know too well just how much money would be considered normal when buying over ten lanterns, and he never looked at the price tag when he purchased things in the past.” - i feel bad kicking him while he’s down and he’s still trying to be kind even when it costs him but this is the first thing that came into my mind

but also oh?? spirits of soldiers from the battlefield you say?? hmmm i wonder... who.... could possibly be among them....

“If you remain forcibly, you won’t be able to rest in peace,” Xie Lian said. The nameless ghost didn’t seem to care. “I pray to never rest in peace.” -  i cant lie this legit gave me goosebumps lol

“Xie Lian himself was alright in suffering through it, since there were far too many other things to worry about. But his mother, who had lived a comfortable, luxurious life, when had she ever done such crude labour? But if the queen didn’t do this work herself, who else could take over?” - hmmmm!!! housekeeping!!!! it matters!!!! rich people dont appreciate how much until they have to do it themselves!!! but this still makes me sad

oh god THATS when they pawned hongjing?? with the king sick and mu qing leaving?? :(((( even more emotional about its appearances in the present day

“That passerby chuckled. “You don’t know? This is too exciting! The servant is beating the master!” - oh god the dramatic and ironic timing of it all

god..... this is just... a sad time....

“MU QING ISN’T LIKE YOU ALL. HE’S MY FRIEND, HE WOULD NEVER HELP YOU!!!” [cut to] “Those were the only words echoing in Xie Lian’s mind, but he couldn’t utter a single sound, and could only crazily grab at anything at his disposal to throw. He didn’t care who he was hurling at, either. Finally, Mu Qing couldn’t take this anymore, and he steeled his face as he swept his sleeves and left. Xie Lian panted harshly for a bit and fell back down, spacing out again.”- IM SAD!!!!!! tbh i wonder if on some level xie lian kind of felt like mu qing owed him? i know he said to forget about that stuff to both of them but its one thinig to say it and think you mean it and another to have to deal with it

white no-face what is your DEAL!! also all the little fire ghost bits im...

“After having exchanged so many words, Feng Xin finally got the gist of what had transpired. He widened his eyes and pointed at Mu Qing, unable to speak. A moment later, he bent down and grabbed a sack and flung it over, roaring. “SCRAM! SCRAM SCRAM SCRAM!” Mu Qing was hit in the face by the sacks of rice he brought and backed two steps away. All three of them in the house were panting harshly.” - this is it this is the part where i closed my laptop and said “noOOooOOOoooo” out loud to my room im so upset... and mu qing still tried to leave the rice even after the broom thing im ;_;

“Feng Xin was completely convinced that he would never do such a thing, but that was precisely why this had become the worst-case scenario!” - pain, suffering, dismay, etc

“Feng Xin continued, “If Your Highness thinks your life might be in danger, I can finish this for you, I won’t tell Her Majesty, haha.” - bless your heart for trying feng xin

“But it shouldn’t be like this. The Feng Xin of the past would have absolute faith in him no matter what! Even if there was only twenty percent doubt, it was still unbearable!” - AHHHHHHH okay idk if i really have much to say about their relationship other than im sad but IM SAD!!!!

the differences between feng xin and mu qing’s relationship with xie lian are so interesting. feng xin has clearly always idolized xie lian a lot while mu qing hasnt at least not in the same way and he seems like he has some resentment towards xie lian (thats how i read it anyway thats what i said about it at the beginning of book 2 and i think its understandable and can be a very real part of friendships) that feng xin doesnt and i just think thats neat!!

“He was firmly tied down upon the altar, that broken base of the statue under his body. There were many people squeezed below the altar, and pair after pair of round, unblinking eyes were watching him.” - hmmm dont think i like where this is going

“Yet, before he could finish, he realized that the white silk that he used to cover his face had been undone. In this moment, the thing that had him completely tied down was that exact white silk.” oh my god wait is this ruoye?? is ruoye that same ribbon???? ill cry

“The hand stained with blood, the one that ended a life, was immune to the Face Disease.” - ohhh shit okay. okay okay. okay. shit okay. i See now.... so if youre an innocent civilian the only way to escape this fate (and the faces are actually the souls of other innocent civilians) is to get rid of your innocence... and doesnt this disease not actually hurt its just horrific? god.............

“White No-Face pitied, “You think they don’t want to do it? Wrong, it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s solely because no one wants to be the first, that’s all.” - shut up!!! youre the one who created this situation dont fucking preach about the way you think the world is

“He forced down the mouthful of blood and hissed, “What are you laughing at? You think that you got what you wanted? This was all forced by you!” The ghost fire within the ghost’s hand flickered even more fiercely.” - yes exactly!!! you put people in extreme circumstances sometimes they do extreme things!! youve proved nothing!! god i do love when characters say exactly what im thinking. plus the first ones who caved were trying to save their child

“He felt that, if he was to let them do what they wanted, there was something in his heart that would never return to its original state.” - :( also i kind of feel that in my life sometimes and i just hope xie lian’s heart ends up in a state he’s happy with

“He didn’t dare to look at what had become of the person lying on the altar, because what laid there didn’t look human anymore.” AHHHHHH!!! :(((( i mean i get why this event is what made hc... level up??? thats not a good way to describe it fjasldkfjaslk but you know what i mean... that line about being powerless to help your beloved OOOOOOF

okay well finished that chapter im. pain. hmmm. pain. i dont know if i actually have any words rn lol but im gonna stop here for now

#half of my commentary is just me going wow im sad!! this is sad!! pain!! wow sad!!! #anyway i love xianle trio with my whole heart they really do feel so real #mouse mumbles #tgcf liveblog #hc also feels real but in a way i might not ever talk about lol we'll see

[thotantics]

⚤   pairing — reader + Kim Taehyung

✎ word count — 2,978

✦ genre — smut, pwp

✗ warnings  — graphic description of sex, dirty talk, LOTS of unnecessary talk about dick, WAY TOO MUCH talk ab tae’s massive dick i cannot stress this enough, fingering, oral sex, rough fucking, face fucking, cum eating idk i think thats it god help us all

[requested]  D1 “Rough sex” with taehyung please! ❤ + Can you make a taehyung smut that fulfill big dick tae fantasies, imagine taehyung fucking you slow ,sensual and hard,  to your belly to feel how he stuffs you full with his thicc dic ( ( ( (sorry not sorry)            

[A/N] id been talking some with @red-exo ab tae’s massive dick and totally forgot ab this request but i was so happy when i rediscovered it, and i figured it would pair well with the other request so, i hope this came out ok!! i very much enjoyed this myself but im…incredibly biased

_____________________________________________

“Do you want me?” His voice is a low timber that rumbles from his chest straight into yours, his body pressed tightly on top of you as he murmurs, a quiet, husky whisper into the side of your throat.

You’re half way embarrassed by how badly you want him, so you just nod your head a little in response. Tae chuckles, nuzzling a kiss into your skin, inhaling deep through his nose.

“You have no idea how badly I want you.” He tells you, “Or, then again..” He shifts forward, parting your already spread legs wider, slotting his body between them and that’s when you feel him fully hard for the first time, “Maybe you can tell.”

He’s rock hard and jutting out from the suit pants he’d worn on your date this evening. You’ve brushed against his erection a time or two, but never felt it like this, fully hard and pressing warm and insistent between the juncture of your thighs. You gasp at the feel of him, hips rolling up to meet him instinctually, your fingers digging into his shoulders when his lips skim across the lobe of your ear. He feels so big. So thick and so hard, you’re dizzy at the thought of getting impaled by him.

Tae’s been vocal all night about his desires and you figure you owe him as much in return, but god, something about him makes you so nervous. You open your mouth to speak, to tell him that you want him so bad that you ache, but he grinds his dick forward against your core and you’re rendered utterly speechless, mouth hanging open soundlessly.

He inhales against your skin, his breath shaking as he fills his lungs with the scent of your hair, his arms nearly crushing you as he hugs your body, pulling you just an inch or so off the mattress to cling to you as he shifts up onto his knees, drawing his erection away from your middle. You glance down, eyes widening at the impressive tent he’s pitched in his pants.

You can’t help the nervous shiver that runs through you as his long, slender fingers reach for his belt. His lips are parted as he breathes heavy, eyes scanning your body unashamedly, tongue poking out to wet the corner of his lips before he speaks again, “I’m gonna make you feel so good.”

You gulp audibly. You wholeheartedly believe him. There’s been a lot of men in and out of your life that had talked a big game and were unable to follow through but Taehyung? He carried himself differently than anybody you’d ever met. The confidence was subtle but it was powerful, strong and mysterious and with every fiber of your being, you believed that he was absolutely capable of making you feel very, very good.

He starts to undress and you’re lost in watching him reveal more skin, hidden by clothes that are always much too large, hanging baggy off his broad shoulders and thin waist. After a moment drinking in the tan skin he reveals to you, admiring the shape of his collarbones for a bit longer than you intended, you sit up, rushing to get undressed along with him.

He laughs at you, but it’s a playful sound, a boyish giggle as you watches you rip off your top as if it offended you, accompanied with a deep, “Wow, jagiya…are you that eager for me?”

“Yes.” You tell him flat out, not wanting to shy away from how badly it was that you wanted him any longer. You needed him to know. So as your hands, trembling slightly, go to work shedding the rest of your clothes, you tell him under your breath, “I can’t wait to feel you inside of me.”

He groans at your words, not bothering with the final few buttons of his long, silky shirt, tugging it over his head and tossing it aside. He’s fully nude before you can unhook your bra, and your fingers are fumbling as your eyes focus on his bare cock for the first time.

Taehyung notices you staring and he grips himself, looking down as his own hand strokes firmly from the head to the base of his shaft, his long fingers curled around tightly. “You like it?” He asks, looking up at you from under his lashes, biting at his lip playfully as he stifles a smile.

You lick your lips, nodding your head. You definitely liked it. He’s impossibly long, easily the biggest you’ve ever been with and you have a daft moment of apprehension. How’s he going to fit all of that inside of you?!

“Mm, you make me so hard.” He tells you, squeezing on an upstroke and milking a drop of precum from the tip which he catches on his opposite hand’s index finger, bringing to his lips and sucking it off sinfully. “Lay back for me, baby. Let me get you ready for this big dick.”

Heart thundering in your chest, you lay your head back among the pillows once more, expecting him to follow you with his lips like he had when you first stumbled into your bedroom together earlier. Instead, he looks down at you with his fist still slowly dragging up and down the length of his dick and he stares down at where your knees are tightly knocked together, keeping your sex hidden from him.

He’s waiting for you to reveal yourself to him. Pulse racing, breathing uneven, you part your legs in invitation and have never felt more exposed and raw in front of a man in your life. He’s unashamed, staring openly and jerking himself off at the sight of your glistening lower lips. His tongue traces a sinful pattern, licking in mid air as if he was licking at you, bottom to top, and you shiver under his penetrating gaze.

“So wet for me already.” He groans softly, eyes lifting back up to meet your own, “Good girl.” With a fluid motion he lowers his upper body between your legs, starting on his knees but eventually sprawling out entirely on his stomach, his hands pressing warm against your inner thighs.

He kisses you first, on each side of your hips, his eyes warm and soft as he looks up at your face, attempting to soothe you. It works like a spell he’s cast on you, warmth spreading from where he kisses you and filling your veins, rushing through you with contentment and peace. Then his tongue comes out, a kitten lick at the very top of your slit and you jolt with surprise. He nuzzles into you, small back and forth motions of his head spreading your lower lips, coating your arousal across his plump lips and even his nose, and he pulls back with an awed sound, staring at your sex as he parts you with his fingers.

“You smell as pretty as you look, jagiya.” He praises, “Mm, and it’s all for me, right?”

“Yes.” You breathe, “All yours, Tae.”

He rewards your compliance with his tongue, licking flat up your soft, slick, throbbing center. Your head is absolutely spinning in seconds, eyes rolling back and hips jerking sporadically when it applies the softest pressure from the tip of his tongue to your clit. He slips his first digit inside easily, pulling back to watch as his finger disappears into your cunt, practically cooing in praise, “Your pretty pussy is so greedy to be filled.”

Taehyung latches onto your clit, forming a tight suction with his plump lips, his eyes on your expression but he slips a second finger inside and feels you clench around them and his eyes flutter shut blissfully. He teases your clit with flicks from his tongue for a while, because he likes the way your thighs jerk, giggling in that charming, boyish way of his, and he builds you up to taking three of his fingers.

“How’s that feel?” He asks.

“S-so good.” You moan.

“You’re a good girl.” He smiles at you, tonguing at your clit again as he pumps his fingers steadily into your dripping hole. “I love the pretty sounds you make, jagiya.” He spreads the fingers crammed into you, attempting to open you up further and you gasp and moan, hips lifting to meet his mouth again. You bury your fingers into his hair as he groans against your clit, tongue laving against you slow and hard.

“You’re gonna make me cum..” You warn him breathlessly.

“Ohh,” He pulls away, lips and chin glistening with your arousal, his mouth a plump O before he smirks at you, “Not yet, you won’t. I want you to cum on my cock.” He pauses for a moment, drinking in the sight of you panting and blushing all the way down your bare chest, before he asks, “Are you ready for it?”

“Yes! Yes, please, Tae..” You sound more desperate than you had intended but you don’t really care at this point. He’s got you on the very edge of bliss and you’re dying for him to just shove you over. Plus, you haven’t been unable to stop thinking about that big dick of his since he let you feel it between your legs, through the barrier of your clothes, and you’re dying to feel him buried balls deep in you.

You think that you won’t have to wait long, because he moves to sit up on his knees, pushing back on your knees to expose you to the monster between his legs, but when he grips it and brings it to your pussy, he doesn’t move to your entrance. Instead, he rubs the head of his impressive length up your slit, gathering your wetness and smoothing it down his shaft with deliberate stokes. The wet noises emitting from you as he slicks his cock along your folds is almost embarrassing, but Taehyung is staring down at the way your pussy lips hug his dick, mouth open, groaning appreciatively and it’s hard not to feel anything other than desire when he’s looking at you like that.

He persists, stimulating you to the brink of an orgasm for a second time but with the slick motions of his cock running through your folds. You dig your heels into his ass, pulling him tight against your middle, groaning, “Fuck me… please. I need it. I need you in me..”

“Fuck.” He pants, hair hiding his eyes as he slumps over you a little, a hand landing by the side of your head as he guides his cock down to where you want him. “I love hearing you beg.” He groans, pushing forward so he breeches your entrance with the first couple of inches that he has to offer and you steel yourself, preparing for the rest but it doesn’t come. He’s patient, far more patient than you, still as he lets your pussy adjust to his invasion before he gives you another inch or two.

“I bet you’ll sound so pretty cumming all over this big cock.” He grunts, giving you a little more. Your mouth falls open in shock. It feels like he should be bottoming out but he’s definitely not. He leans over you, his lips ghosting across your open mouth before he pulls back, forehead pressing to yours, and then he whispers, “You want all of it, jagiya? Can you take it all for me?”

“Yes, yes, please! Yes.” You throw your arms around his shoulders, heels digging into his ass again and he snaps his hips forward, teeth snarling as he sheaths himself into you fully.

He reaches so deep into you that you’re aching already. You can feel him at your cervix, long and thick and throbbing in you, unable to resist withdrawing just an inch or two and pushing back inside once, twice, and you let out a choked, strangled moan on the third time.

“So fucking tight,” He grunts, burying his face in your neck and peppering kisses along your heated skin. “It doesn’t hurt, does it, jagi?”

“N-no.” You groan, “Fuck, god, Tae, you’re in so deep…”

He hums, smoothing his lips from your jaw to your mouth. It’s a sweet kiss he gives you, tender and loving pecks with very little tongue, teasing you with the taste of his mouth if anything before he pulls back and settles on his knees again. He keeps himself buried in you, gripping your hips tight, and then he withdraws from you fully, watching as his cock reappears from your depths, coated with the essence of your arousal.

He pulls out until just the very tip of the head of his cock is pressed against your clenching hole like a very intimate sort of kiss, and then he leans back, angling his impressive length so when he presses it forward this time, you can practically watch as he fills your lower belly.

Taehyung grunts and withdraws in a hurry again, pressing hard on your lower stomach with the palm of his hand as he enters you slowly once more, and you can feel the pressure under his hand as his massive cock stretches you open from the inside.

“Your pretty pussy is creaming all over me.” He tells you in a quiet, husky whisper. “You need to cum so bad, hm?” He moves his hand from your belly, licks the pad of his thumb and presses it to your clit, “You take my cock so well, jagiya. I wanna feel you cum on me.”

“Fuck!” You buck under him, his pelvis still as he rubs insistently over your clit, cock buried deep but unmoving. You jerk and twitch, grinding against him to get him to move but he doesn’t budge. “Fuck me, Tae!” You beg, “It’s so big, you’re so deep! Please fuck me!”

He doesn’t have to do much. A simple shift of his hips and his cock rams you with such force that you’re rocketing up the mattress, your hand flying up to plant on the wall behind your head to prevent you from shimmying too far away from him. You cling to his thigh with your opposite hand, eyes locked on where that impossibly long dick of his keeps disappearing into your cunt. He doesn’t pull out but only a few inches at a time before he rams it back in, a ring of thick white coating just above his pubic hair that makes a dizzying wet slap each time he snaps his hips forward.

Taehyung has worked up a sweat from holding back. You can see it in his eyes, flashing with pent up passion and the way his muscles tense with each withdraw and you rake your nails down his chest, “Give it to me,” You tell him with a gasp, “I want all of you. Don’t hold back.”

He bares his teeth and then, every ounce of resistance in his snaps. His fingers bruise your thighs, shoving your legs up so your feet rest on his shoulders, and he fucks into you hard and fast, pounding your poor, swollen, sopping pussy so deep that you feel the ache from your hips into your cervix and your lower back. You arch, trying to give him more room to fit inside of you but all you manage to do was direct him to your g spot and he pummels it ruthlessly.

“Cum on my cock,” He tells you through gritted teeth, fingers digging even harder into your hips as he fucks your clenching hole roughly, “Do it!”

Tears fill your eyes and you squeeze them shut, the line between pleasure and pain blurring as your orgasm erupts from you so fiercely that you find yourself sobbing. You cling onto his arms, nails biting into his skin, sobbing, moaning, drooling, begging. Tae is delicate when he laces your fingers with his own, holding your hands and stroking at your wrists with his thumb, feeling you clench tightly and spam around his dick. He fucks you slower and slower until he finally stops, slipping himself out of you and bowing over your quivering form to press a kiss to your lips, wiping your tears with his fingers delicately.

“You did so good, jagiya.” He praises you, “Are you ok?”

You nod, sniffling, laughing as a fresh wave of tears spill down your cheeks. You feel entirely overwhelmed and used, completely fucked and you’ve never been more sated.

Tae moves to stand at the side of the bed and he runs his hand through your hair, “My turn.” He grins down at you, coaxing your to open your mouth by pressing his fingers between your lips. He presses the head of his cock onto your tongue and you latch your lips around him, sucking the taste of your orgasm from him. It’s impossible to get him all the way down your throat, but you aren’t a quitter in any sense of the word, so you keep trying, keep gagging around his length. He moans every time you gag, hips resisting to buck down your throat but the moment you reach up and massage his balls, Taehyung loses his composure entirely.

Hands in your hair, he fucks your mouth shallowly, trying not to make you gag too much, and when he cums, he pulls back and spills over your mouth and your extended tongue, your eyes shut tight to avoid a mess in your lashes.

“Good girl,” He groans as the last of his cum spills across your tongue and he watches you swallow it down for him. “Such a good girl for me.” Tae moves to lay down with you, pushing you on your back and hovering over you on his side, and he kisses you messily, tongue sweeping along your own until he kisses the taste of his cum right out of your mouth.

#taehyung smut #kim taehyung smut #v smut #bts smut #mine

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

I saw your post about transguy Todoroki but have you considered,,, TransGIRL Todoroki

OH MY GOD NONY YOUR MIND,,,,OH MY GOOOOODODD

IDK WHERE TO BEGIN BUT I NEED U TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS SUCH A GOOD FUCKING CONCEPT. IT IS ABSOLUTELY GOD TIER. I AM SHAKEN TO MY CORE I AM SO FUCKIGN PUMPED THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA I

GOD,,,,

so shes always had a disconnect w her gender but she didnt have the words/knowledge to know that was what her issue was. so shes just been kinda Confusion subconsciously for years but THEN

im thinkin someone in the class comes out as trans is how she’s introduced to the topic bc lbr w her upbringing she wouldnt have had a lot of time to research lgbt things ://

anyway some research is done/explanations r shared nd she starts to think abt it like “hm,,,” in true todoroki fashion

im thinkin one day durin lunch w the izucrew shes just like “hey i think im a girl” no preceding comment nothin just our usual blunt todo. but dont be mistaken, inside she is p a n i c

the izucrew obv overwhelm her w support nd love sniffs they all love her so much oh my god my heart,,,,she doesnt cry but she def wants to nd honestly who can blame her

for a while its just the izucrew who know nd they just love her sm,,,uraraka nd tsu give her some clothes that like arent overwhelmingly feminine but yknow, when ur trans nd u get smth thats officially labeled as ~girls clothes~ or ~boys clothes~ u get pumped as shit.

in between all of this iida nd midoriya love her sm theyre so supportive,,,nd shes just so happy bc theyre her two closest friends,,when its just them chillin iida nd midoriya use she/her a lot just to see todo smile AH im crying theyre so good fuck

eventually she comes out to the rest of the class nd theyre supportive as well!! nd todoroki is just so glad shes here w these ppl in her life like wow,,,she lucked out,,sniffs just give me class 1-a as family please,,,

bro just trans shinanigans,,,todoroki would make the BEST of jokes bro could u even imagine. she is the deadpan queen

BROOO she starts grownin out her hair like she was doing that anyway bc she just didnt care to get it cut but now she can like,,play w it and stuff,,nd its just such an innocent source of comfort/happiness for her, to just mess arnd w her hair,,,bro im gonna cry

HHHH HER CHANGING HER NAME,,,,SHE GETS HELP FROM THE IZUCREW BUT ULTIMATELY THEY LEAVE THE CHOICE UP TO HER,,,IT’D BE SUCH A DEFINING MOMENT FOR HER,,,BROS,,,,BROS,,

gettin on hormone treatment w recovery girl,,,aizawa helpin her to move to a dorm room on the girls’ side,,,all might bein supportive in his awkward dad way (he probs gives her a hug like from the sports festival AH),,,BROS,,

teachers ofc wont tell endeavor,,the conversation abt that is probs what prompts the dad might hug. im cryin

uraraka and tsu take her out on girls’ nights,,,the rest of the class 1-a gals invite her to their hangouts nd help teach her the basics of feminine stuff like hair/make-up/etc so that if she ever wanted to mess w that stuff, she had the knowledge,,,they just accept hr so readily they love her sm,,,

BROS a couple months after bein on hormone therapy nd coming out, she wears the girls’ uniform for the first time nd her hair is long enough to tie up that day,,,BROS,,,shes just so happy,,,she feels free nd like its so wild bc she didnt even know she was bein held back but now that its in the open shes just,,so glad,,,

this is such a good concept,,i have been blessed,,,thank you nony. i owe you my life

#c makes a word #answer #todoroki shouto #class 1-a #trans todoroki au

[unproduciblesmackdown]

on FUCKING kissing. and other shit

i’m still just. as bowled over as i knew i’d be about getting to have the triumphant nice gay kiss of resolution. like, i dont think i’ve seen that in any movies ive watched. not that many of them like, have a gay mc in the first place. usually you maybe have a couple peripheral side cast gays w a lil subplot and they get to say “i love you” or something. idk. or for some reason whats up with dramas where like, the initial Gay Encounter w kissing is often also a sexual encounter which is fine but the point is its like “oh, wow drama” right. and then the bit where they maybe manage to actually come together is like, too solemn for kissing? its also fine to have other moments of physical intimacy besides kissing, thats fantastic tbh. and i can’t say “wow what a trend in Major Releases W Gay Love Stories At The Core” because there’s not enough fuckin data for any real trends. but anyways maybe the ol Finally They Kiss thing is more seen as a like, ~romance genre~ thing rather than serious movies. idk. anyways getting sidetracked

my point is i think thats the first movie Gay Kiss Of Resolution that i can remember seeing. and it gets me, man. it hits me hard. i’m like. electric. not just because its like “wow this is a new one for me” obvs but because i’m gay and i like things that are very gay and very sweet and cute and that was all of that. so much in that film was ferociously endearing. like, thank god for gay love getting to be charming and nice and lighthearted and even exuberant. yeah babye

and for the past couple months ive been thinking on twitter threads about ppl who were Gay Teens Coming Out years and years ago who went to see the film w a parent or other sort of relation and it prompted a discussion where the parent is like. when you came out, was it bad? was i very bad about it? and they said how the answer was well, kinda, yeah. and getting to have this whole talk about a decade or so after the fact, because the movie shows such earnest support, and the recognition of the failing of anything less than the fullest kind of support.

like honestly i liked a lot that like, the issue wasn’t that simon was particularly worried about rejection, or some terrible kind of abuse or violence like gay kids who had to keep it a secret because their parents might even have pulled shit like kicking out a gay kid, like implying they’d even kill them if they’re gay. and he wasn’t exactly worried about like, hate crimes or anything either. because its not like the Awful kind of homophobic reaction isnt a concern anymore, but it isnt to everyone, and it wasnt always to everyone. its not even accurate to say that noncishet people prior to like the late 20th century always were rejected, always were closeted, always were miserable. there’s all kinds of stories and it’s nice to hear all kinds of them. like, the Gay Tragedy was as we know the only way to get a gay story of any kind past the rigid catholic moral guide for Film back in the day, and not so shocking that thats the kind of gay story that tends to be most palatable to the heterosexuals. and they have, what, like atonement and shit or something? and yet also i’m not saying that tragic gay stories should be off limits, or dramas, or anything. just that of course movies are limited to Bury Your Gays, Kill The Trans Kid, Show The Tragedy Of Not Being Cishet Coz That’s What’s Gritty And Real And I’m Okay With Them If They Die. we deserve every genre and plot structure. it would improve all of them.

anyhow like i was sort of getting to. i really appreciate how simon like, isn’t ashamed of being gay, isn’t in denial about it, isn’t afraid of his parents or friends or community finding out, doesnt feel particularly endangered re the idea, but still feels like he can’t. i really liked the bit where he upsets his sister cuz he’s so fuckin stressed about having just been outed and his privacy invaded in front of his whole damn school but he’s like super conflicted about like, why would i be upset at being out, why would i be ashamed just because i didnt come out before, etc etc. and i liked that he felt his coming out to his parents went badly just b/c it was a bit awkward. because the small issues are just as big a deal, people wanna act like the defining part of being gay is a certain level of agony. and so you get ppl questioning if love, simon is “necessary,” like a gay protag has to be justified for the technical benefits it might afford, like if its not about suicide or self loathing or ostracization or violence or being disowned or etc etc, its not REALLY about being gay, and it can’t possibly help gay kids because its just unrealistic. because even if you have worse problems, seeing an overall happy gay love story where he gets the guy and has all the support of family and friends and community put out there will just be meaningless to you. and obviously its just as pointless to argue that this is the be all and end all of gay films, like we only needing ONE gay romcomdrom type film, we only need ONE gay y.a. movie, this is THE gay film for those categories now people, it’s over. like jesus we’re owed so many. give us the nondystopian y.a. movies back, and make em gay!!! GAY

anyways what is the point? i like that it was shown its difficult to come out even if you only expect “small” bad issues, because even having to have the smallest fear that the people in your life will think less of you, or love you less, or see you as any bit of a disappointment or flawed, is really fucked up and difficult. like i said, it was way too real when simon was just a bit uncomfortable when his dad made just a bit uncomfortable gay jokes. i like that he felt fucked up over being outed even though he wasn’t necessarily ashamed of being gay. and i mean i know part of it was that he was afraid that the other guy was gonna get scared off since that was being exposed too, but i liked that element also, because of the tension between the joy of getting to like...Be Gay with a guy you like and enjoy it, but also know that the whole thing is tenuous and uncertain and you’re both a bit afraid and the whole thing might crumble at any moment because it’s not easy to take “privately being gay” into it being everyones business and public knowledge. because even the little shit you have to deal with is a concern, and even in the most “it’s probably totally okay” situations, you don’t KNOW that its okay, because homophobia is still the default even amongst like. the libs who think they’re totally not homophobic.

and plus yknow the whole thinking you’ll be treated different thing. like coming out is going to HAVE to be some Big Deal and you’ll have to be imposing something on everyone who knows you when really you’re just being the fuck yourself. and the idea that suddenly everyone’s gonna be uncomfortable with you or think you’re someone else or just look at you different because they were cool with you when they thought you were straight. and anyways

also i seriously forget the dude’s real name but i love that it was the first guy simon thought might be blue. damn i know they said it like fifty times in that one scene lol...but anyways yknow i’m like “hmm walking in on him maybe messing around with a girl could just be Gay Crisis shit yknow” and it was and thats kinda fun lol. like, i’ve read some fics in my day!! that is not a nail in the coffin!!

anyways what i want to say is getting a sweet triumphant gay kiss scene is just. so fucking beautiful for the soul. i’m fuckin reveling in it. now that ive been writing about it for half an hour i should go ahead and try to get my rewatch in, right. yeah

#yes obv im still talking abt love simon which im just about to eff off and rewatch

[me-importa-mother-blog]

it FINALLY fucking happened

i have a migraine and awful cramps from this stupid IUD rn but i have to get this out. i have to capture the authenticity of my feelings right now. it finally happened. i could cry happy tears because of how incredible and great i feel in this moment. brendon and darian are back together. i saw a pics of them on instagram w captions about how much they love each other and wanna know what i felt when i saw those pictures? fucking NOTHING. I FINALLY FEEL NOTHING. ok, i feel sad for them but thats honestly truly the only emotion that came up for me. i no longer feel the intense nausea, feeling like i am getting stabbed in the pit on my stomach, rush of emotions pouring over my entire body, ringing in my ears, dissosiation that i felt the first time i heard the words from his lips “i have a girlfriend now”. that feeling that didn’t seem to go away for MONTHS. that feeling that would resurface every time i looked at their social media and saw how fucking happy and perfect they were. it was fucking disgusting. i can finally say i don’t feel those feelings anymore and u know what that means? 

i means i have healed. it means i have moved on. it means I have successfully mended the broken pieces of my heart that he left me with. i did that. with the help of some loving and supportive friends, yes. but it was me. i’m the one that chose to live all those times i wanted to die, and i chose to pretend to be happy to the point that my bones hurt to their core because i was faking it so hard. i chose to move back home to something familiar and stable so i could feel safe, so i could get away from the torment of his memory, from the fear of running into her, or him, or worse the both of them together. 

at one point i felt that i gave everything i had built so hard for the past two years away. my life in california was ruined because of him. the reason i went out there in the first place to get clean back in april of 2014 was because he told me to. my body was deteriorating faster than i could keep track of and i mentioned, maybe i should move back to cali and get clean, and you should too and we can be together. and he told me to go out there so i fucking did. hes the reason, the motivation i had to get clean. everything i did from that point forward was for him or because of him or for us. so WE could live together happily for fucking forever. 

originally we had a plan to go to rehab for a bit then run away together but at some point something switched in me. i think it was god working in my life honestly. but at some point i decided u know what i wanna give this thing a shot. i wanna see what its like to be clean and happy and all that these weird ppl in AA rave about. and then he went down there from fresno and he got clean and holy shit that was the most incredible summer of my life. i wish i had pictures but i deleted probably 98% of them. but i had so many good times w him, riding my bike to the beach while he rode his skateboard. holding hands, going to meetings together. i was so fucking proud to tell everyone he was my boyfriend. i was so goddamn fucking in love. 

and now i’m crying, but not because i want to be with him. no, never. i’m crying because the happiness i felt was so pure and genuine and incredible and indescribable. i wouldnt change it for anything. if i could go back and relive those moments we shared that summer but i would have to relive the heartbreak again then i would probably do it. but i wouldnt change anything. i would relieve the good and the bad but i would want the result to be the same as what it is in this moment. hes with her and i’m with myself on my ellies bed in my parents house with rocky and luna sleeping at my feet. i don’t want to be with him anymore but i don’t regret what we had because it was true love and it was passionate and intense and a type of love i will never feel again. because it was extremely toxic. as intense as the good moments were so were the bad. and it got reeeeaaally bad.

he told me i deserved to be molested when i was 5. he told me this while we were in line for the screamin eagle at disneyland, because i was paying more attention to my phone than to him. he was upset and we got in an argument and thats what he said to me. that a fucking five year old deserved to get some creepy mother fuckers fingers in her asshole. real cute huh? but i’m not a saint. at some point i told him i’m glad his dad left him and that he probably did because he hated him cuz hes useless and that his mom is a slut cuz she has 4 baby daddies. i said some horrible things too that i’m not proud of but in those moments i felt so justified. as the anger wore off tho i felt guilty for saying those things, and so would he. so we would always make up. and thiings would be really good again until the next fight and shit would hit the fan. and then we started calling the cops on each other. he was never physically abusive to me, except one time he pinned me down like a pretzel cuz i was beating the living shit out of him. the position he had me in hurt a lot but he was protecting himself cuz i had lost it. i dont remember what that particular fight was about. the weather maybe? idk dude we would fight over the DUMBEST shit. 

i remember thinking and telling him, “if you act like a bitch u get treated like one”. which means youre a fucking dick to me so i’m a dick right back mother fucker. i ran him over w my car once. he smashed my phone to pieces cuz i searched a guy on facebook. he would go through my phone and find texts from months ago where i said a guy was hot and he would flip out call me a whore tell me nobody is ever gonna love me, and go spread my legs somewhere. he would accuse me of fucking literally EVERYONE. if i was off work 5 minutes late its because i was fucking my manager in the back. if i wasnt texting him back while i was w jenny or kolby its cuz i was fucking them. oh he hated all my friends also. and had no friends of his own. i was his whole world which really bugged me at the time but i lowkey miss that now. i miss feeling that important and special and loved. and i miss having that much power over someone, i’ll admit it. 

but despite all this bad shit there were good times, and they were really fucking good. specifically its the feelings. i felt safe with him. like nothing could ever hurt me or touch me, besides him. but i was addicted to the chaos so i didn’t mind the verbal and emotional abuse and i dished it right back. although lets be real here according to my sponsor, therapist, mentor, friends, anyone w a brain. he was definately the sicker one out of the two of us. we were both so fucking sick but i was a wee bit healthier i would say. there were so many times we would ride around costa mesa on harbor blvd at midnight complaining about how much it sucked to not have a car, or money, or anything. we had NOTHING. he really had nothing when he got there besides like 3 shirts and old pair of vans 2 sizes too small and shorts. i created him. everything he got from that point forward was from me. all of it. and there were weeks at a time where he had no money and he ate because i bought him food. not that he owes me anything or that he ever did, i did those things because i wanted to because i was in love and he was gonna be my life partner. everything i ever wanted i wanted with him or nobody else. anyway, we would be riding through the kmart parking lot on harbor and wilson, he would be coming w me to drop me off at fordham and we would complain about how much it fucking sucked but “one day we would look back on all of this and laugh.” because “one day were gonna make it” we said. we had so many hopes and dreams together. he was supposed to be my fucking husband. i was going to be the mother of all of his children. 

but you know what? it was all a fucking fantasy. a beautiful fantasy but a fantasy nonetheless. and after spending summer 2015 apart because he decided drugs were more important than me, we got back together in september and shit didnt get much better. it was a bit at times but mostly no. same shit. really intense good times. really intense bad times. passionate love, passionate hate. a couple days before new years 2015 going into 2016 we broke up for the last time. this is when he broke my phone cuz i searched jacob berry on fbook. after that i was done. i had been done thousands of times before but i was really done this time. we didn’t talk at all for like a week then i saw him on his birthday january 7th and we decided we were gonna get back together in august when he had a year sober. we werent gonna talk in the meantime but we were for sure getting back together. then one day i added a guy, kyle on facebook and he lost it. again with being called a slut and blah blah blah. and this time we were really done. like FORREAL. i was moving on everything was great blah blah. i dont think i actually thought i had lost him tho. it was gonna be like every other time where we will get back together again. so i wasnt really that sad. i think i was thriving off the anger i felt towards him. like are u seriously gonna be done w me over adding a dude???? how stupid. 

and then one day in late february my world came crashing down in the middle of the target electronics section. hannah texted or called me i cant remember but said she needed to tell me something. i demanded to know immedietally and she hesitated, i knew it was bad. she told me darian and brendon were talking. darian, my former client darian. darian, the girl who I TOLD STORIES ABOUT BRENDON TO WHEN SHE WAS STRUGGLING W HER EX IN HOPES THAT I COULD OFFER HER SOME EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE. i was vulnerable w her about him. i was trying to be helpful, i shared stuff w her i dont share w everyone but since her sitution at the time was similar to my realtionship w brendon i opened up to her. how fucking dare she. that fucking stupid bitch. how dare HE. knowing she was my client. i even had considered her a friend up until this point. i had considered moving in with her for christsakes wtf. and that the first time i felt that feeling. that awful awful feeling i no longer felt tonight. and then i felt it again a month later when he told me they were officially together. and again when i learned she met his family. (oh yeah thats another reason i think i stayed as long as i did because i adore his family. )

a bunch of other shit happened in between. him and i started talking again in march briefly when he basically cheated on her w me, then he came back in my life just this past december only to leave again like the coward that he is. but i’m grateful that happened because before i had always wondered what i had done to make him basically leave me for her, or so i felt. because he DID choose her over me. he chose to start a new relationship over mending the one that we had that was supposed to be forever. and i lost my shit. was literally destroyed shell of a human for months. extremely emotionally and mentally unstable. lost a bunch of friends cuz they couldnt handle me. got kicked out of school, lost a scholarship, almost lost a job, attempted suicide, went to the psych ward. it was really really rough for a long time. but today all of that has changed. i no longer feel that deeprooted sadness, devastation, horrid unbearable pain. today i have healed. i feel very sad for the both of them because i know how unstable their relationship is. cuz i was there. i was her. and i HATED her for a long time but i dont anymore because i feel bad she is in love w him and is gonna get hurt and heartbroken like i did. 

but i’m glad he came in my life again this past december because it cleared up a lot of unanswered thoughts i had. A. he still loves me and will always love me as i will him. B. he is thankful for me being in his life and will never forget me, and C. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. i fought w every fiber of my being for us to be together and hes the one that threw it all away. hes the one that walked away. i promised him from the moment i knew i was in love w him that as long as we both loved each other we could fix anything. but he wasnt willing to try anymore so at least i know i gave it my all and its his loss cuz he was too weak to try to work together to make things right. or maybe we just werent meant to be. or maybe both.

irregardless, my arm is so mother fucking cramped i can barley type. and i have so much more i could say, i could go on forever. but the point is that the horrid feelings i once felt are no longer there anymore and i am truly 100000% happy today when i once thought i was going to die without him. so i am proof that healing from the most excrusiating heartbreak is possible and its possible to be happier when u lose ppl u cant imagine losing, and when u get a new life that u didnt even want

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this mentally ill person causes an extreme amount of chaos in my life which is completely not needed because although i lack certain things - i could probably get by without them. like im going to be sad and whatever but im not going to die and ill find a way to live. 

but their illness absolutely causes many of my issues to be triggered which does not in anyway allow me clarity in the moment because i am still working on my issues. and heres what i can give to myself: i never ran away. ive been knocked down and shit on and dragged through the mud and as much as ive even wanted to - ive never run away and i never gave up. this is my strength. this is the resilience. 

i have alot of complex feelings about this and i want to not entangle all of them into this giant lump of grief and sadness but to address each part of it and work through each part on its own to complete the big picture. and i feel im doing this in my own life like ive gone from complete mental break downs to just being really sad. my immediate thought is not ‘i want to fucking die’. like maybe i feel this way and its one of the thoughts but its not the first one. its not the overwhelming one anymore. and i cant even express how this has made things better for me. i am able to cope so much moe when im not in an anxiety attack like death could truly be imminent just by my own hands. 

like heres an overwhelming fact: no one will ever give a fuck. no one will ever really want to help. 

one day im sure ill be romantically surprised by the prince charming that changes everything for me but until that day comes - ive spent a decade involved in other peoples lives because i have no life of my own. i have no family, no traditions, no holidays. no one can join me for a thing - i join them. 

and heres another overwhelming fact: this is not remotely fair. i was dealt a really shitty hand and its not fair but nothing changes this. nothing changes that its not fair. i will not get my parents back. i will not have a family i grew up with. its not fair. this is just a fact, not whining - it’s not fair that this happened. and of course “life is not fair” but its truly not fair to have your parents die at an early age. its not fair to have a child die young. theres many not fairs. its just .. not fair. 

what do i do with this information? this is like .. a real turning point to make. 

i guess to start, how do i feel? and i feel... sad. and frustrated. and lke.. i wish the world was a better place. im angry that like.. people really take for granted what they were just handed and i dont know how to stop being super bitter about it. im not even pissed i didnt live a glamorous life but the older i get the more i realize that my parents were completely and totally unfit parents to their core. and like this is so hard to admit because i loved my father soo much and this person did so much for me and my ungrateful mother but he did so little as well. 

and i repeat this cycle. i was given such little attention as a child that i am absolutely grateful for something i should have gotten purely out of love. like why do i walk around with “i never asked for this” tattooed on me? since i was a small child i just felt like - wow i never asked to be here you know. like im not TRYING to be here. i was just popped out of the womb and now im like this giant burden to your life and like my mother didnt care at all and she held sooo much resentment towards me. and this is what i knew. this is all i have ever known in my whole life. mentally ill people who are completely incapable of caring for anoter human being making me an intregal part of their lives. 

and what really has confounded me for years is whether or not i am mentally ill. like is everyone around me crazy or am i the crazy one? and its like -- no one knows the isolation ive had except me. and they take this as like being lazy or unsociable but ive been terrified to go out and interact with people because am i the crazy one or are they? 

but as i get older i realize i honestly may not be the mentally ill person. how could one ever tell this when ive been under duress since i was 3? its not that i am mentally ill its that im reacting to my surroundings like any normal human being. i am not psychotic or paranoid, i dont have delusions or an ego. im actually, i believe, a pretty fine and sane person who appears mentally ill under these scenarios. i thought i had a mood disorder - no, i just live an extremely stressful life. and have for like two decades. of COuRSE i feel different things quickly and without regard. of COURSE. thats a REACTION to the scenario, usually of which is completely abnormal. 

and there is not a single person in my life to pat my back and be like hey, its okay to feel this way you know. its okay that youre angry. its okay that youre sad. ive begun developing the voice in my head that will be this person. i realized its the only way i will be able to survive. when ram dass said you are not your depression, i realized i am not any of my emotions. i am just feeling these things. and there is a reason why i am feeling them. im not just waking up rying to feel this way. thre is a root problem.

but when you are surrounded by mentally ill people, they suck you into their illness and you react to this. so not only do i have my own issues im dealing with seperately on my own but now i have these issues coming up begging to trigger certain emotions and thoughts in me which really are not issues im capable of dealing with because IM not  a therapist or a trained professional and i can barely navigate my own life right now. but i work especially hard not to have this fall on other people. i understand that i was handed this deck. no one else was handed it. this is for me to do what im going to do with it. so i blame no one for me not having parents. it is no ones responsibility to fill their roles. or even be a family member to me. 

for example; hearing constantly about how this political system doesnt work or poor people are disadvantaged or the city is corrupt etc. -- all facts im well aware of which linger in my mind on a daily basis which i have to fight with everything i have to get out of bed and keep doing something. but now i have it being reiterated to me as well on a regular basis and my desire to do anything has dwindled to nothing. 

i have become trapped in this non relationship because it was easy for him to get what he wanted by giving me just a bit of what i wanted. he has been very very very selfish from the beginning because he knows he will not be monogamous or fulfill my emotional needs but continues to maintain this non relationship. he believes i am responsible because he “told me this” and i continued to be involved with a mentally ill person who spent all of his time with me, usually by his own choice because again, it was “easy for him”. he reiterated ENOUGH times that he believes i need to be cared for and that he has done everything he is currently possibly able to do within his own means to care for me. 

but its kind of like .. this stray dog. like you know this dog needs care despite its survival on its own and you feed it every once in awhile maybe give it a bath, hang out with it for awhile but you never give the dog what it needs. 

and also, you’re treating me like a dog. as if i have no emotional brain to feel what it’s like for someone to treat me like this. as if i dont know that you have a home. and you have all the things you need. and youre just feeding me scraps because you feel bad. 

ive lost respect for him because hes running. its not even a jealousy issue becuse i know if i went away for three months and returned, all of my problems would still be there. my parents dont come back in thre months. he never tried to improve his situation and instead ran away from it and ive just lost alot of respect for him for doing that. 

and if i cant respect him i dont know if i can even be his friend. 

and he has not shown appropriate respect for my own issues either so what i am feeling right now is just an overall lack of respect for this person. like i still love them but i feel like i cant hold my own head high or like sleep at night knowing i dont respect this person but im still supporting them. its like nikki sixx. i dont respect him anymore and i probably will never support his projects again. but i had such a deep love and adoration and like i still have that first love kind of feeling like this person really influenced my life and i owe their character alot for my character but omg do i not respect him at all. could i never look at nikki sixx again?

no. 

and thats the confliction. like it does not matter what he does at all. it matters what i do and what i decide upon this and how important he is to my life. i lost all respect for my ex when he cheated and lied. u know its the lieing. its not even the cheating. im not even mad about the cheating, its the lies for months on end. like what a mar on your character. thats who you are now. youre a person who lied. do i still look at him?

yes. do i still talk to him? no. did i talk to him? yes. because being so young i didnt know how i would feel in this scenario like this was anther nikki sixx. five years out of the gate - i would not watch video games to this day if i didnt have this relationship and this is like the most comforting thing in all of my life. like even beyond weed, the most comforting thing is just some guy playing video games. and thats only from my ex. i wouldve never developed this comfort in watching games had i not ha this experience. now thats apart of who i am. and i think about him atleast 10 - 20 times a month. easily. i think about the time we spent together, i think about how much i loved him, how much i loved his guitar playing -  i felt really lucky at the time and that this would be the man i would marry and spend the rest of my life with. i wanted to do this. 

and i talked to him because i wanted this sooooo bad i hoped that he could say or do something that would regain my respect and nothing he did or said made it any better. i never regained respect for him. and its because the action was already done. i dont think i could forgive an abuser, you know? like i dont think i could get punched in the fucking face and be like oh it was just one time they changed. they did not change at all they just learned to not do that again because the consequences are dire. the action is already done. you were a working brain of a person before you cocked your fist and then you completed the action and NOW you’re sorry? NOW you learned? 

i think he is not a person right now you can currently admire or respect. and like nikki sixx, he gave me alot. like alot of negative experiences whch couldve been much worse that allowed me the opportunity to learn about myself. life is not fair and life couldve been some fucking piece of shit jamming a dick down my throat. and like for the position im in thats actually alot more likely to happen to someone like me so its lucky that i encountered some mentally ill jerk off living with his mother. 

to be fair, i guess hes right - he hasnt BEEN someone to respect or admire. he has sat on his high horse while crying and then running away. and i cannot at any point n the future see myself saying “wow good job you abandoned all your responsibilities to work on yourself.” because again - you abandoned them; they werent taken from you. you took for granted what youve been given and then took advantage of your priviledge to “take a break from it” and that’s just not respectable in the least bit. no matter if you come out of this as jesus fucking christ - if jesus murdered a dude before he was crucified - fuck jesus. 

i feel as the mostly not mentally ill person n ths situation as i look down upon it i see this person running away and realizing how much they took for granted and how poorly they treated me and the love that i actually provided to them. this of course will take weeks, if not months to realize as lonliness sets in and no one is really interested in being friends with someone mentally ill or he encounters similar situations. 

what i feel like right now is that i have a choice. i could gamble upon my gut feeling whch could very well lead to repeating a cycle again; hes “not monogamous”. so even if he were to realize anything at all, it remains tht hes “not monogamous” and i would have to gamble two years worth of hearing that against it suddenly changing (it wont.) 

or i could walk away and commit myself to the knowledge this person is mentally ill, unlikely to get better an caused a large amount of pain in my life so i should not maintain any communication with them because mentally i will always be thinking like.. i dont care. go fuck yourself. and in turn never provide them with anything they are looking for from me. 

because i would also not detriment any future relationships with maintaing contact with him. not because i would be some cheater but because he has proven to make inappropriate and disrespectful comments to other peoples spouses when he has a failed relationship with the person. and i want to respect my future partner enough that they wont have to endure that kind of treatment from someone who thinks they know me on an intimate level. 

i made a comment some weeks ago like i’m not going to walk away, i know you’re ill and unlike other people i’m not going to blame you for it. and he said that that had made him feel good and like he could lessen the anxiety of going away to work on his illness and then tonight he commented that i would probably “fuck off” within a few days of him leaving. 

and then i think about asia o’hara. and how this is my only reference to anyone without parents in any circumstance that is moderately close to my age. and like all these things she does and says - i get it. i know where its coming from. and one of the last few thngs she said on the runway was that she was put on this earth to serve. and you will feel that way when you lose parents or they become ill before they die. you are here to serve an make other peoples lives better. and  feel that. ive felt that. i felt that standing in my fathers living room realizing no one would ever know what this was. if i did not exist my fathers life wouldve been worse. so my existences purpose was to make his better. not to like go out and succeed and be amillionaire and put him in a house. but to serve, to make it my life to make another persons life better and i could expect absolutely nothing at all for it. like my life mightve gotten worse for it. but to this day i am not regretful at all. i couldve went to school and had luxurious jobs and did all the things. i couldve. but instead i stayed home and cared for this stubborn sick man who got up every day for 35 years at 4am to drive a transport truck on winter canadian highways for 14 hours a day. my existence was to see that. i was supposed to see that. i was put on this earth to see my fathers life and to honor that he existed and he worked and he lived and he breathed and people should know this. 

she said, “ive learned that friendships have become extremely important and i treat them like family to me” and thats not wrong. thats another person just like me who is saying because i have no family, the people in my life are going to take a bigger step because i do not have the responsibilites or obligations to distract me from helping the greater good. 

and m so sad. i could scream from teh top of my building how sad i am and cauterwall like a cat in heat. and im hurt. and im so many things.

but this sick man, who is leaving for months, took the time to ave this conversation because i began the threat that what we currently had was going to be over on his return. and we cannot define what this is. but if you believe you will return and i will be adoring and in love and fascinated and interested by all your tales - probably not. and he is saying, “i may never see you again”, “i cant make any commitments to you.” “i cant tell you whats going to happen” and the ease of the relationship has ended, and he is saying “we are broken up, this is not a relationship anymore” but the conversation continues. no.

no.

its not a conversation as i sit silently tears streaming down my face as he rants on and on about things, contradicting himself at every turn. and hes “angry” but hes not angry, and hes upset that he’s worried about me like he’s never been in love before. he’s upset he doesnt want to leave because hes worried about me like hes never been in love before. and it all sounds so .. psychotic. and he hangs up, and i call back and he answers and he doesnt want to do this and he cant do this and hes done everything he possibly can for me. 

i could choose to put myself aside and serve the “greater good” of this person “becoming better”. and by doing this i take full acknowledgement that i could receive absolutely nothing in return. i could be shit on again. i coul watch this person fall in love with someone else (they will) and i have to have the strength to be happy for them because theyve reached “better”. i guess im like.. disappointed in myself that im not better than i thought i was because of my history. like i should be able to accept this opportunity to fulfill my fucking existence but im really ... begrudging my exstence because im still resentful for not getting anthing for my father.

like not like money or anythng but like you get literally nothing. no praise. people literally question whether you should even be applauded for it like it was your job anyways. and thats such a dark side to humanity that you have to remain positive and loyal and “happy” while witnessing all of this and carrying like the burdens this had all created for you. 

and i guess i kind of lost respect but i dont think ram dass would say thats okay because i lost respect for the fact he became worn out by being a caregiver. but only a few people in the world are legitimately care givers. you have to truly have something in your soul in order to endure the care of others. and not everyone has this. this is why we have to like super respect nurses and people like that because they are care givers. we respect mothers because they are primary (usually) care givers. they are always obligated. mom has to be there, period. many women upon giving birth learn the trait of being a care giver. and like many women will live until they give birth being selfish ungiving pieces of shit and then spend the rest of their lives caring for someone else. 

my care giving is an extremely respectable part of my character. if not the most respectable part. but i have lost alot of this trait over the past three years - i never asked my dad for anything in return. like yeah he already ~ gave me things but i never was like hey ill do ths an this for you if you give me 10$. like hes not paying me to do his groceries. hes not paying me to change his bandages. im not asking him to do that either. nor am i trading any service with him - i dont change hs bandage for him to make me lunch. i am just serving him as a care giver and you will not get anything in return and a good and true care giver expects nothing. i am no longer this person. i went kind of backwards  in life and i worry now that maybe ive become sooo jaded that maybe i will never truly be a care giver again.

and of course. of course i dont need to at all give this care to a capable grown ass priviledged man. i absolutely do not. is this even the most deserving person? 

i dont necessarily have to jump to a decision right now because the next three months will dictate it for me but i would love to break the cycle by making a commitment to myself on a decision/action i will take and living with the responsibility of that action because if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. 

and my gut says no. my depression says yes. my depression is very desperate and i think holds on to things that arent there. my gut says no, dont support ths person. our call ended with, “ill call you in a few days”. to which i feel like - why bother? i cant actually speak about how i feel about anything and ill just have to sit and listen to his stories about whatever the fuck he did. and i dont care. and i cant pretend to care and i cant pretend to be happy for his decision i barely respect. 

i dont wan tto spend my summer looking forward to his calls, you know? i just want to let it go and have my mourning period and move on. 

and maybe its shitty of me but i hope he feels guilty and i hope its hard for him. i do. because thats the result of a decision that cant be respected. and thats how you should feel when you go through with it. because honestly? none of this is real and its a projection of the fear of losing me. if it doesnt matter we wouldnt have had the conversation. 

and yes, the moment he sleeps with someone else this will all be over for me. and thats the result of being involved with someone who is monogamous. thats a choice he made and will probably make and when youre a hundred miles away, i never have to care about you or choose to see you again. like even with my oshawa ex i fet like i hope he feels like shit. not because i want to be with him but beause he deserves to feel that way. it doesnt even benefit me. you just deserve it. 

i do not regret not spending another night with a mentally ill person. i wish i couldve spent the last night with a person i loved but it wasnt able to happen. 

he told me i should “take this as a wake up call” to have “more than him” in my life nd i dont believe at all thats what it is. its a wake up call to learn how to take care of myself - n all ways. like no one else can or will or should fulfill anything in my life, i should fulfill everything that i need. so that i make a choice as to who to be around. i will have to live more frugally and learn how to moderate my pleasures. 

i am disappointed that again i feel like if i do talk to him that i will begin to lie because i want to be left alone. i do not want to be told what to do or that what im doing isnt enough. i jsut want to tell him what he wants to hear. like i want to tell him that ive gotten a job but the job is on a farm. i want to say that like im already doing what he said he wanted to do. and like i want to be fulfilled with myself so that when i lie and say that this farm is owned by some family who treated me kindly and i felt ths and this its just a personification of my self improvement. llike im half way into it anyways - i lie about a therapist to justify things i already fucking know but no one listens to me so i hve to make up ths story to make it sound like it didnt come from me and now its respectable. 

so fine. ill ‘see a therapist’ and ‘go to work’. but again, i’m not really going to talk in detail about these things. and if he asks  i would just tell him that its just something im doing and im not interested in talking about it. that it doesnt define me or anything in my life at all. it gives me an ongoing excuse to turn down phone calls or texts when im not prepared to answer them at that time as well. remaining silent is just not good enough. 

ive been a very honest person in my life and i think its time for me to be selfish in order to et myself to the next step and it sounds really stupid to be dishonest to better myself and attempt to regain my care giving traits nd maybe itll all blow up in my face and ill learn a new lesson but for now this is how im going to sleep. i will tell him its my therapists advice not to talk to him about these things until weve established a mutually respectful way of communicating and if we dont it doesnt matter what i did or did not tell him because it literally doesnt matter. if he is capable of maintaining his own interest in my life then maybe ill open up more - he can either work towards that to be a mature, respectful human begin or disregard it and any sort of relationship between us. of course, the position is just a summer job, giving me an out if ths somehow lasts the summer. 

tomorrow i have to go through excruciating pain - again for my fucking cyst and i have contract testing at some point and i really want to do these things on my own and grab my last weed for like a week and just exist. not for a week. id like to wake up and do shit on friday too. and i know so hard that depression will be the firs tthing i feel when i wake up. and as the days go on its going be even harder and sadder but i just have to figure it out an get myself through it. 

[cannabiscourtesan]

Letters to my bf in prison <3

Josh** -  April 26-27ish Love of my life, So you said you were going to write me a letter about our conversation about Mary. Well I am going to do the same thing since we only get 15 minute increments. You were trying to disassociate from the emotions of the situation by saying that SHE made her choice, and SHE chose to do what she did & therefore you can’t allow yourself to hold guilt over her sentence.  & partially, youre absolutely right.  She did do these things that were here decisions alone and not something you can ever claim any responsibility to.  However from my perspective, something that you may know internally but have not concluded, is that, so what if she was simultaneously trying to save your life AND get high?  Does that diminish from what she did for you? You above anyone else should understand the things junkies do to get high, and if in her mind, the path to saving your life happened to be along the same route as getting high, why should that negate the act?  You would love it, if your family saw the things you’ve done as a sickness and not a malicious malfunction of your personal character.  As an addict, if I can justify my addiction with a worthy cause there is no second guessing. I think thats a core component of a functioning addict.  So all she was doing that day, was functioning. She had a priority to take care of and she did, its not personal blame you should throw onto her already heavy burden because the actions she chose were made from a sick mind. She did what she could with the resources she believed she had, the end.  I am not arguing the fact that what she did was wrong, given a little more level headed creative thinking she could have come up with different options.  That fact, is not your guilt, you have no guilt to be had in her choice.  You do owe her more compassion than you express to me, and I think thats probably because in order to give her that, will invite a serious load of pain onto yourself for the hopelessness of the whole life plan thats playing out for you two.  Thats where letting go of control comes into play.  Some how, meditate on giving her the unconditional love she absolutely deserves, while distinguishing the difference between unconditional love, and taking on the burden of other peoples crosses they’re here to bear. What if, through that day, she paid off all her karmic debt?  What if in that day & the resulting 13 years of contemplation brings her to the spiritual awakening that allows her to finally ascend this fucking hell hole?  Would it feel so hopeless? Or would it seem like a very heavy price, but one that could be worth it, given the possibilities? Thats also up to her alone.  But this chance encounter that altered the courses of your lives forever is not an accident.  We are mere humans and are not given the answers to our suffering but I believe there are reasons for every moment suffered.  One of the top spiritual questions people ask each other is “if there were a god, why would he do this?? Or let this happen?? Or blah blah blah” placing the blame of human incontinence on a higher power.  Typical. Shallow questions with shallow answers. He allows these things to happen because he wants us to come back ‘home’.  But were too dirty as a species.  & if you were given the reasons to every moment of suffering, how could the same message possibly be taught? It couldn’t be.  The moment you found out the reasons why you have to suffer would be the fateful thing that alters your course and wastes your time here on earth. Which was the goal of your soul in reincarnating here in this life, with these issues, in the first place. Deep down I truly believe we don’t get to ‘go home’ to our Creator (or go to heaven) until we love ourselves honestly, as much as our Creator does.  So we suffer to find the value in life and what make us who we are, what matters, what doesn’t, what makes you feel love and what makes you reject it; to find out that you can still love others no matter what the fuck they do, and people can some how manage to love you too even when you feel shameful & unlovable from the choices you’ve made.   I FUCKING LOVE YOU JOSHUA! FOREVER! That does not mean I haven’t loved people before you and the doesn’t mean youre not allowed to still love Mary.  Its different loves for different people.  You constantly express this, start living it okay? ;)

#prison #letters #love #dday