#the army knight as a queen was a real thing btw

[vagrantblvrd]

so i started watching The Old Guard because of your posts and mashes so well with the Immortal!FAHC so i was wondering, what are your thoughts on that, like who is the oldest, which era is each member of the crew from, how did they die the first time, and so on :3

Yesssss. >:D

But, no I hope you liked it, friend!

The first time I watched I was thinking that too!

As to Immortal!FAHC I have many thoughts on it from before watching this movie.

I’m also no good at history, and get my eras mixed up? (Like oh my God I had that intense focus thing going on as a kid for a while for WWII warplanes after watching Memphis Belle with my dad, but aside from that, yeah???)

(All of this is to say please excuse inaccuracies as most of what I know is from media and Wikipedia. Also, some of these are more well thought out than others, so pls to keep that in mind.)

Presented in no particular order:

My favorite take on it though has Gavin as the oldest, right? (Pretends he isn’t, but the others find out over time because he stops trying to hide it when he realizes it’s not an issue with them the way it’s been with other immortals he’s run across for whatever reason.)

Born during the Bronze Age and the person he was back then was just awful, horrible little asshole without redeeming qualities to speak of whatsoever.

Came from a wealthy/important family which is something that’s people can still tell to this day even if he’s not a bastard about it anymore.

He died alone and unloved (no reason to love the person he was back then, something he freely admits to anyone asking who wants the real answer) to thieves/bandits or some wasting illness, idk.

From there he learns how not to be a complete piece of shit and honestly, it takes him a long goddamned time.

Lifetimes, really. (Not his, of course, but as time goes and all that.)

Watching and learning from the people around him from the poor farmers and so on who take pity on this dirty traveler on the verge of starving to death to emperors and kings and queens and other puffed up royalty and such.

Favored Italy and England enough that he’s woven both into the Golden Boy’s persona with the accent and references to this grandfather of his that he makes to people who don’t know he’s an immortal.

(Definitely has ties to the mafia, if not served as the head of the Italian mafia for a time, making a comeback as a long-lost/bastard descendant recently discovered with a remarkable likeness to a former mafia head who’s since moved to Los Santos, because of course he did.)

To be fair, he’s still learning with the Fakes, found family and all, and he’s the happiest he can remember being? (Because sappy feels and the whatnot.)

Jack I picture as a viking, because the beard and uh, not much else reason for that line of thinking.

Just this great warrior/peacemaker among his people who dies in battle. (Possibly betrayed because jealous fellow viking at how well-liked and respected Jack is and so on.)

He’s “mellowed” over time, likes to play friendly and affable and so on, will let himself be insulted if it serves the crew’s interests and such? But oh, wow, watch out when he’s angry? (Especially if it’s due to someone hurting someone he cares about.)

Ryan I see as medieval times with the whole kings and queens and knights. (Possibly due to the influence of Kings AU???)

Noble born and served as a knight before being killed in battle or spot of ~intrigue by a political rival/enemy.

Totally got his revenge before realizing the kind of trouble he’d be in if he tried to reclaim his life - unnatural and all - and ended up living a nomadic lifestyle after that. (A vagabond, if you will, because that never not stops being funny to me.)

He gets tangled up with thieves and the like for a while, did some murder for hire that’s been his main career path ever since.

(And okay, if one of the thieves he worked with for a while was this skinny bastard with a big nose and the most ridiculous questions that’s possibly a thing that happened, because reasons. And Freewood.)

Michael I see coming in around the Revolutionary War?

Family moved to the colonies when he was a kid and so on. Signing on to fight against the British and dying in a battle against them, still remembers what it felt like bleeding out in the mud. Has nightmares about it sometimes.

There used to be this whole Thing about it when he met Gavin whenever he leans hard on the British bit that gets even more involved after Jeremy joins the crew.

(Also, also. If Michael and Jeremy collude together against that British asshole, well. That’s a thing that happens. Along with smooches, because none of your goddamned business about that, okay?)

Jeremy comes in during the whole cowboy era, because of the Rimmy Tim getup and I think it’s hilarious as hell.

Originally from Boston (hence the dumb running joke with Gavin and Michael)and moved to the ~wild west as a kid because Adventure and then shenanigans?

Died in a train heist gone horribly wrong and just. He doesn’t like to talk about it, but since he mentioned once it has something to do with his fear of heights, just.

Yikes, you know?

Also, also, the whole bit about cars becoming a thing just before he died (I’m trying not to make a joke about it being of dysentery on a certain trail, but it’s so hard), which is part of why he’s got a Thing about cars now.

(Vroom-vroom fast and that armada of his.)

Trevor, okay, Trevor.

Based pretty much on what his GTA V character used to wear and Trevor himself makes me think of Prohibition-era gangster along with Alfredo?

He and Alfredo started out as street kids in Chicago and the fastest/easiest way to make money for kids like them involved the mob and it was just.

A thing that happened? The two of them coming up in the ranks and BFFs (possibly something more, who can say???) before getting gunned down by rivals one day.

Would have woken up together if the morgue hadn’t fucked up so they went a few years thinking the other had died before accidentally running into one another again, because reasons.

They’ve been together ever since, a pain in Geoff’s ass before he managed to get them to sign on with the crew.

(Trevor kept the fashion sense he had from back then, because of course he did. Doesn’t always dress like he used to, but sometimes he gets the urge and Alfredo laughs at him for it, but he never says a word against it because Trevor looks good like that, you know?)

Speaking of Geoff?

Born around the time Trevor and Fredo were running from Elliott Ness and his Untouchables.

Lied about his age to join the Army and served overseas in the European theater in WWII. Infantry, saw his share of battles that took the shine out of things (what there was to the stupid he kid he was) really damn fast.

Actually survived through the end of the war and made his way back to the US, did some odd jobs here and there for a while as he tried to figure things out.

Listened to the wrong friend (or right one?) and ended up working for some criminal-types, got dragged into the life before he knew it.

Managed to stay alive, learning the ins and outs of being a criminal and all that up until his luck ran out and he ran afoul of some corrupt cops.

Woke up in a ditch somewhere coughing up bullets and freaked out as hell - anyone would be - and then, uh.

Kind of kept going?

Figured shit out as he went, and ran into Jack sometime in the fifties, sixties? Whenever and it was them for the longest damn time before Geoff got the idea to set up in Los Santos for a bit, see how that worked out for them.

(Regret. So much regret because look at all the assholes fucking up his life after that, you know? Really, Jack, stop laughing at him because you’re part of the problem, jackass.)

Lindsay I see as being either relatively young - died in the 80s, 90s? - or as old as if not older than Gavin, depending on the day? (My day??? Idk, I love both a hell of a lot.)

Died in a bank robbery when the asshole responsible for setting the charges to get into the vault miscalculated how much explosives were needed and it was just.

Messy.

Super, super messy.

Fiona is absolutely the youngest, someone Gavin ran into in Europe when he pulled the thing about being his own descendant.

Met her in Paris on his way to the US when she got so goddamned angry at him for accusing her of picking his pocket (a thing she totally did, btw), but she cased such a scene she managed to escape before the cops or Gavin could do anything about it.

She dies in Liberty City working for some assholes who never deserved her, and Gavin happens to be there when she makes the mistake of picking pockets to get enough money to get the hell out of the city before anyone realizes she’s not as dead as she could be?

Terrible disguise of baseball hat, big sunglasses and a scarf over her face, but her response at being caught out as a thief is too similar for Gavin not to realize it’s her.

And then, you know.

He mentions this crew out in Los Santos that would be interested in someone like her? Not as a pickpocket because she’s clearly awful at it - “Hey!” - but they’ve chatted a bit and she mentioned something about sniping - or maybe just perked up when he brought it up.

(Visiting a sniper he used to work with and so on.)

Anyway, why not look them up if she’s ever in Los Santos?

And then she does, of course, and then shenanigans???

Also, also, some of them definitely crossed paths over the years. Ran into one another and are all, “Oh, this asshole again,” maybe work together for a while before going their own ways

They all have this story about meeting Gavin for the first time that no one, no one puts together for the longest damn time.

Like.

How the hell could Jack have met Gavin back when he was being a viking when Gavin claims he died in the 60s?

(Claimed to know the Beatles personally, because of course he did.)

Ryan and that thief he met that one time, got all these FEELS for him that had them being partners in crime for a long, long time before circumstanced forced them apart.

...And then met him again a century or so later and on opposite sides before Gavin did a heroic “sacrifice” to save him at the expense of his current cover. Like, they totally picked up where they left off afterward, because not that stupid? But they got maybe fifteen, twenty years after that together before they were forced apart by circumstances again.

Pattern repeats for a long goddamned time before they happen to meet up again around the time Geoff and Jack get to Los Santos and so far their luck seems to be holding steady. (I just. Man, I love the idea of them being the kind of assholes who are stupid in love with one another but the universe at large is like, lol and tosses a wrench into the works every once in a while for the hell of it and them eventually finding one another again. Because DELICIOUS ANGST.)

Or Michael when he was marching to the next battle and some asshole asking him the stupidest question imaginable next to him? (British accent, sure, but he wasn’t the only one on their side with one, so yes.)

Jeremy and that one Pinkerton agent that one time???

Lindsay and that asshole working for a rival gang who didn’t kill her even though he could have? (When she asks sometime after joining the Fakes he’s just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  even though he didn’t like the asshole he was working for at the time and actually engineered the bastard’s death, but yeah, sure, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

Fiona, well.

Everyone knows that story because she’s like “YOU MOTHERFUCKER,” when she sees him at the penthouse the first time he strolls through the door after she joins the crew.

And just.

Yes.

They put the pieces together at some point and are like son of a bitch because they figured Gavin’s story about being a beatnik or whatever he said he was when he died was the truth?

And Gavin’s like, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  because technically it wasn’t a lie.

He was a beatnik when he died in the 60s, it’s just that that wasn’t the first time he died.

Eventually he tells them about it in bits and pieces, because they don’t push, demand an explanation. (God knows they’ve all got their secrets and reasons for them and such.)

He tells them because he trusts them and they prove he’s right to by not betraying his trust in them and I’m just, like. Full of FEELS right now, so yes.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ALSO.

Bonus?

But I seriously love the idea of Meg being the inspiration behind the Morrigan.

Just.

Yes.

And if she happens to meet Ryan and Gavin while those two idiots are thieving their way across Europe sometime? That’s definitely a thing that happened.

Also, also, you know she checks up on them in Los Santos from time to time, because old friends (possibly more?) and gets along with Lindsay and Fiona like a house on fire.

Sometimes literally, the three of them >:DDDDDDDD while Geoff’s back at the penthouse shut up in his room because no, no, do not tell him how much of his city’s on fire, Trevor, no.

Idk whether I like former Roman soldier Dan or medieval knight Dan, but whichever one it is he and Gavin go way, way back and they delight in shenanigating about almost as much as Meg and her terrors do in that Geoff is very much :(((((((((((((((((((((((((( when they get together because some part of the city is guaranteed to be on fire at any given point.

#ragehappy #freewood #jackeoff #alfreyco #jeremichael #immortal!FAHC au #technically not a fic #vagrant fic #¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[tonyphan27]

Do you think Elsa likes Anna's swords? (Awesome art btw)

First, thank you anon, I’m really happy when I know someone enjoy my art. That inspired me and keep me going everyday.

Second, do Elsa like Anna’s sword? I think Elsa loves Anna’s sword. She especially loves it when Anna’s sword rubbing against her............oh wait, you are talking about real sword. I thought you were talking about Anna’s sword (Google: futanari. But be careful, it’s very nsfw)

I think Elsa will be worry when Anna starts practicing with sword. She is big sister, she is overprotective, she is loving Anna too much that the idea of Anna getting hurt during sword practicing might scare her deadly. I image Anna could ease Elsa’s concern over time by proving her own talent with a sword but that worry will never fully go away.

I’m no writer, so I steal some sentences from @psnowflake ‘s story, they expressed it waaaaay better than me:

[Anna looked at the ground and then back to her sister. She smiled sheepishly. She could practically feel the blonde's stress levels rising at all the possibilities of her falling on her own sword in the future.

"Still practicing..." She rubbed the back of her head, abashed, as she bent down to pick up the dropped item.

Elsa sighed.

This just wouldn't do.

Even if they were in a romantic relationship now, Anna's safety still weighed heavily onto her heart. Old habits really died hard, and the blonde couldn't find it in herself to look past her apprehension.]

[Elsa felt her anxiety peak as she directed a hand towards the older man.

"See! Even your Army General doesn't think this is a good idea..."

"No Elsa! Please." Anna said with a hint of desperation. "I've been wanting to show you this since the day you came back..."

Elsa shook her head in worry. "I know you might enjoy it, Anna. But it's dangerous. And I just..I'm just scared." She bit her lip as she felt herself struggle with her composure, arms once again wrapping around her middle. "I know we talked about this, but I'm your older sister...and I'll never stop worrying about you no matter what."]---> Elsa’s worry.

[The older girl continued to stare blankly at her sister. She was sure she looked like a fool with her mouth half open, but she couldn't get her brain to re-engage and reply with something intelligent.

As a child, she was never one to admire the cliche stories of knights rescuing princesses from captivity. It was always a bit too much for her, and the aspect of romance from those tales never hit her in the right way. After all, she had ice powers. She hardly needed to be protected or rescued.

But that was all that seemed to be occupying the Queen's mind right now. Take away the armor and male features. Replace it with a beautiful woman with a fiery confidence and a soft heart.

Her Knight. Her protector. It made her feel warm, and certainly not in an unpleasant way.]-->Anna successfully convinced Elsa by her own talent.

Please give the story a try if you are interested, it’s really amazing, it has almost every good things that ever exist in Frozenverse. 

[thorinkingoferebor]

24 hours later: i'm still outraged as ever & i've found a couple of new things to be outraged about that i somehow just missed yesterday. which is understandable. hard to keep track of all the fuck ups!

what was the point of euron fighting jaime? also how did they even end up together? that was another case of characters just conveniently appearing at the right time at the right location (which is like euron’s mine character trait at this point: randomly showing up without any real reason just to fuck shit up in the most annoying way possible). Also: why didn't Jaime just go for this route the first time around?! he might have even made it in time. why is euron so obsessed with killing jaime? why is euron in general? what's his point? was he ever meant to be anything but a cheap plot device? everyone deserved better than this

the fact that the unsullied officers just left tyrion with jaime no questions asked is probably the dumbest moment of the entire episode. dany has often and loudly questions tyrion's loyalty but nothing suspicious about tyrion (THE HAND OF THE QUEEN) wanting to stand guard outside the tent and sending everyone else away. like what's he gonna do? free the person he clearly loves most in the world with a key that just magically appeared in his hand while davos somehow sneaks past the entire greyjoy fleet to leave a boat at the foot of the red keep? naaah (how did davos get back from there btw? did he tow another boat? was he not alone? why am i even trying to make sense of this we all know this plot was written on a piece of toilet paper)

and what's with dany never learning of jaime's escape?! someone must have checked on such a high profile prisoner in the morning? someone must have noticed and told dany who just hours ago threatened tyrion with death should he ever betray her. why did noone come up with the idea to use jaime as a hostage??? but guess everyone just forgot about him, just like the writers forgot about his arc :))))))))))))))))))

where did all the dothraki come from? why are there still so many unsullied left? it sure looked like 90% of them died in winterfell. then we see a significant number in episode five and in the trailer for episode 6 it looks like thousands??? do they just respawn? are we following video game logic now? (btw remember when soldiers had actual personalities? when was the last time an unsullied beside grey worm or a dothraki did anything to remind us they're more than npcs. what do they think about all of this? what did they think about the army of the dead? how are they coping? why was everyone suddenly ok with senseless violence against children even though dany has been saying for years she doesn't want that. yeah sure, she started the kings landing BBQ but she was in a completely different part of the city. there was no way for the foot soldier to know that she was indeed butchering civilians and not just wiping out the last remainders of the lannister forces that hadn't put down their weapons. i’m glad though that they all apparently learned to communicate with each other telepathically otherwise they would be as freaking lost as me rn

one thing the books and previous seasons have been really good at is small little world-building elements that pay off later. and they could have used that in season 8! there wasn't any need to introduce new stuff they could have just used what's already there. they did well on that account with lyanna, jorah and theon. Theon probably had the best arc this season tbh (not a tough competition but it's something) and died a stark and a greyjoy. His identity was the major theme of his journey and seeing it played out this way was satisfying! Lyanna and Jorah both embodied "Here We Stand" in their final moments (Jorah quite literally) and that was wonderful! Why couldn't we get something like this for the Lannisters? Why couldn't we get one final, brilliant scene with cersei trying to turn the tide (backup plan? never heard of it). Don't get me wrong, Lena's acting was fantastic but why couldn't we get a "Hear me roar" moment? Her arc was tide to house Lannister more than any other and yet we didn't get anything? Why didn't we get any rewarding rains of castamere parallels? if they're set on wiping house lannister off the map why not show the tragedy and irony of it. why not remind of us tywin's fantastic speech in season 2? they could have used any of those themes but they didn't???

i'm still not even ready to begin to vocalize my opinions regarding jaime. every time i think about it i can feel my life drain out of me. what a fucking waste you guys

what i can vocalize now however is how much i do hate cersei's end and how they treated lena. I cannot get over that. like i realize she is a villain and i realize she is not meant to be a sympathetic character and she never had a chance to get redemption or get out alive but the show treated her like dirt in the end and just like jaime she was eventually reduced to the incest plotline. she started this show out as someone completely at the mercy of the men in her life (her father, her husband) and while jaime was a big part of her arc her main objective was always throwing off that control and taking it herself. sure she overdid it massively and became power hungry but that power hunger is a direct result of the way she was brought up and everything she was forced into/everything she was denied. weirdly, her conflicts are very similar to brienne's. both women didn't want the roles their peers tried to force them into, both women wanted to escape and both women assumed to do so they would have to take on male traits. brienne did that by rejecting her womanhood completely for 7 seasons and aspiring to be a knight. cersei took a very different route. maybe because she had that option (brienne couldn't mould herself into a proper lady unlike her) or maybe because that was literally her only option (imagine tywin's reaction to cersei putting on armour...). in the years that follow cersei and brienne obviously take very different paths and they have very different personalities but just as brienne deserved her knighthood and the affections and acceptance of the man she loves, cersei would have deserved to be free of men trying to decide her fate for her. but she never was. first it was her father, then robert, then her father again, then the high sparrow and when she finally wiped them all out she had to let another man she despised into her bed to maintain power. brienne managed to escape the confines of male-dominated society forced on her, cersei never did. they could have either shown her finally free before her death, free of the men that tried to control her all her life, free of the power hunger, free of societies expectations or they could have had her face her ugly deeds. i doubt she would have ever regretted any of it but it would have been so much more satisfying to see her properly outsmarted, to see her face off either dany or sansa or jon (or even tyrion or jaime had his character arc not been ruined before that). she was a fantastic, complex villain until she basically just started to stare off into the distance. it would have been so satisfying to see her face reality before the end. Instead, we got rocks. but even that scene (as beautifully as it's acted) isn't satisfying. cersei, who has never been one to just weep helplessly, is first reduced to begging jaime for her life & to save their child (AGAIN WHAT WAS THE POINT! I WILL NEVER GET IT!) and then she keeps freaking out because she doesn't want to die at all and certainly not this way (very self-centred as always whereas jaime is much calmer and at peace with what's about to happen and ready to take care of her even though he’s worse off) . i don't know if this was intentional or just a happy accident but even in those final scenes it's very obvious that the love cersei has for jaime is not the same kind of love jaime has for her. i guess they both ended up wanting to die in each others arms seconds before it happened so there’s that. but it’s a cheap ending for the best actress in the show before they robbed her of all opportunities to shine

oh and lena's instagram combined with her body double’s yet unseen work on the show has now convinced me that we're incredibly likely to see cersei's and jaime's mutilated bodies/heads next week. can't wait to see their characters disrespected on a whole new level jfc i’m so tired

i can't even think about brienne these days. absolutely seething. at this point i would prefer it if the brienne/jaime romance had never happened in ep. 4. if they'd stuck to glances and meaningful gestures at least it would have made more sense. brienne would have been his "what if" when they erased jaime's character development and made him return to cersei (which i maintain could have made sense because no matter what jaime will always love his family no matter how much he also hates them IF ONLY THEY HAD PUT IN THE FUCKING WORK). but she's not a "what if" now is she. she is his "this happened and it was good and important" but we're just going to forget this. we're just going to forget that the last 8 seasons have been leading up to this point. we're gonna forget that for the entire first half of season 8 jaime didn't even flinch at the thought of cersei dying. four episodes of jaime glued to brienne's side and then we're just expected to believe he doesn't care after all. then we're just supposed to believe she is never mentioned again and no thought of her crosses his mind or anyone else's for that matter (looking at you tyrion). I genuinely don't get what the point of that romance was then. to keep jaime in winterfell for a bit longer so him getting captured would make more sense? i feel like there were like a million ways to get the same outcome without throwing brienne under the bus. brienne and her entire arc were used as a cheap plot device for jaime and it wasn't even worth it cause they then butchered jaime's arc. god i'm so angry.

remember the last time a tv show fucked up in the last episode? yeah, dexter!  i'm calling it now: got will end exactly like dexter in terms of plot and level of satisfaction. jon will kill dany (a family member/romantic interest) and then go north to spend his day in the wilderness (lumberjacking away miserably)

the more i think about it there is not a single thing about this episode that actually makes sense. this goes beyond plotholes, this is just a plain hole

#text posts by thea #thea watches got #this is my last big rant i promise #just need to get this stuff off my chest as well #it's a coping mechanism #got spoilers

[visionssofgideon]

In-depth Reflection on Kingsman: The Golden Circle (Spoilers)

FUCKING SPECTACULAR, EH!

After so much waiting, watching new promos and trailers everyday, I watched Kingsman: The Golden Circle today! The sequel to my favorite movie of all time! And BOY, I have so many thoughts. I am going to try to go as in-depth as I can, and as much in order as I can but BEWARE this is nearly a shit post with me pouring all of my feelings into it and will have random points all over the place, but mainly is me trying to process everything, this is A LOT (it’s 3k) and basically a summary of the movie 

SPOILER ALERT!!! OBVIOUSLY LOL okAY LET’S GO

They started off the fucking MOVIE with Take me Home, Country Roads on a bagpipe FUCK

FUCK YEAH EGGSY UNWIN! GARY UNWIN! MY MAN! MY DUDE! MY SON! YOU LOOK SO FINE IN THAT SUIT, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR DECEASED HUSBAND shit too soon

IT HASN’T EVEN BEEN A MINUTE CHARLIE GET THE FUCK OUT IDC HOW YOU SURVIVED GO AWAY also ALL THESE CARS OH FUCK IS THIS ALL POPPY! Anyways Yes yes yes EPIC drifting cab scene! Eggsy has grown so much yeah boy you kick his ass! I love this drifting cab scene, they built a custom cab that could drift how amazing is that! But oh nooo, ugh Charlie’s stupid arm made the poisonous blade kill the driver :(

Eggsy can hold his breath because he was training for the marines but also throwback to his training when he was the only one that was smart enough to see the two-way mirror! The police were like yOu wOt m8 @ Eggsy but iT’S OKAY there’s a secret Kingsman entrance under the lake! By the way HI MERLIN I LOVE YOU YOU SCOTTISH MAN but Eggsy you are a BRAVE man for jumping into shit! On a side not, the hand just hacked into Kingsman holy shite

HI TILDE agh prefer Eggsy with the love of his life, Harry Hart, but you DAMN brave for wanting to kiss a shit-covered Eggsy! Also HI JB YOU’VE GROWN SO MUCH! But wait, EGGSY MOVED INTO HARRY’S HOUSE! Just like the fanfics said! That makes me so happy

Cool transition from a bag of pot to Cambodia! Poppy is FUCKING CRAZY, actual psychopath, I mean cannibalistic burgers, delicious! Those dogs are cool, more realistic than other movies, but rip people who are put through the shredder! Ngl that burger looks pretty good

AW TILDE TRYING TO TEACH EGGSY MANNERS BUT FUCK HERE IS THE DELETED HARTWIN BREAKFAST SCENE FROM TSS! THE MYTHICAL BREAKFAST SCENE IS REAL! Eggsy paying close attention to his lover Harry Hart is

The fact that Eggsy has to hold back tears when simply thinking of Harry is so :( And he even asks Mr. Pickles, because he remembers Harry’s love for him. Eggsy Unwin was in love with Harry Hart, okay.

“Galahad, late again” HAHA just like Harry used to be! Hi off-brand Michael Caine-looking Arthur! ROXY MORTON IS MY GIRLFRIEND HI I LOVE YOU OKAY I KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN BUT I LOVE YOU! She looks so fly, so does Eggsy and Merlin! Also bye @Charlie I can’t believe he survived armless and now works for the craziest person ever!

Honestly rip this guy who just got the golden circle tat and is eating his friend in the form of a burger which btw looks pretty good! Welcome to hell!

Oh nice, the dinner scene! Eggsy is such a gentleman but he actually loves Tilde? He’s actually doing this wow and it’s all because Roxy Morton aka my gf is helping him out! Of course he doesn’t know about spanish painter Frida Kahlo! Roxy ugh ur da best from galahad, and roxy asking best friend or best agent? Both ;) AGH also NICE Eggsy started his own wall like Harry’s of the menial news! UGH Eggsy’s friend is so dumb what is he DOING! AHHHH HAND GRENADE and Eggsy cursing 100x in front of Tilde’s parents

NO NO NO BOMBING EGGSY’S PLACE! Everything is gone ALL OF HARRY’S STUFF! NO JB NONO EGGSY’S FRIEND! WHAT THE WHERE DID THESE MISSILES COME FROM oh fucking POPPY

Roxy knew, she knew, she even tried to escape but… Roxy Morton! MATTHEW VAUGHN I am utterly disgusted and disheartened! Roxy had so much potential, and remaining in a platonic relationship with Eggsy, their friendship was amazing! She was a brilliant agent, not to mention um the only female!? DENIAL! DENIAL! Roxy survived, she tried escaping, so she survived! WE WILL SEE ROXY MORTON IN THE THIRD KINGSMAN MOVIE OKAY

Arthur is dead, all the Kingsman including Percival are dead… Poppy is absolutely crazy, and is giving Charlie a new arm! God, from the trailer, the crazy slingshot arm! Agh no no no this won’t be good…

Eggsy, all alone, in despair. And here go Merlin and Eggsy blaming each other, for possible betrayal! And god Eggsy, Eggsy telling it like it is, everybody is dead, JB, Roxy, his friend, everybody… but Merlin told him to not shed a tear, to hold in emotion, as if he has done this before.

Thus, the doomsday protocol ensues- shopping, drinking. Statesman whiskey! Drinking to everybody! Drink to Scottland! Haha, nice try @ drunk!Merlin! But drunk Eggsy slurring his words and Merlin being an absolute mess and crying is just…. Somebody please get Merlin Kentucky fried chicken, please

HAHA that part of Merlin breaking in, opening the barrel! Hello CHANNING TATUM! Agent Teqila HAHA okay! That fighting was great, wow like being an American for once! WOW please don’t set their balls on fire, that would not be good! HAHA Yeah Tequila, go fuck yourself! 

WAIT BUT, HARRY HART IS ALIVE! HARRY HART, SHAVING, BEAUTIFUL MALE SPECIMAN, HARRY HART! HARRY FUCKING HART! EGGSY UNWIN’S SOULMATE! He is alive, and beautiful as ever! Yes Eggsy, we understand, “Fuck me” as in you love Harry Hart we get it! Eggsy and Merlin yelling, but alas, a two-way mirror! YAY GINGER ALE TO THE RESCUE LOVE YOU HALLE BERRY MY QUEEN

Harry looks all smiley! All happy! But he doesn’t know… I predicted this, his amnesia :( Please remember bby! Eggsy is all frustrated, but look at Harry focusing on his butterflies! YES YES THE STATESMAN IN KENTUCKY SAVED HARRY wow cool technology for being American, I would like to thank Ginger! Unfortunately, Harry reverted to his old self. Before kingsman or army, he was a lover of butterflies. Wow. Before being in the army, a kingsman agent, he was a lepidopterist

ELTON JOHN, THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE POSSIBLY! Telling it to Poppy as it should be!

HAHA hello champ! Yay jeff bridges! What a man, he seems so chill, I want to have a conversation with him! Champ>>>>>Arthur. Will never get over the fact that the Kingsman are knights of the round table, galahad, lancelot, percival… the statesman are fckuing alcoholic beverages how American sigh,,,,, also Whiskey, hi pedro pascal!

Harry Hart reading his dear book about butterflies! No, they’re putting him through training again to jog his memory! But poor Harry is struggling no no my bby please stop! Btw Colin Firth is the best actor ever okay thanks! Agh this scene is breaking my heart :(((( Harry’s trying to hard to remember, Merlin is trying so much, but Harry’s just here soaking wet :(((

AW JB 2.0 thanks @tilde aw okay people get people they love dogs to help them…. Keep that in mind for later for what I KNOW is coming up!

Lol mini condom and penis joke bc haha America sucks! Look Charlie’s gf who Eggsy will have to get to for their mucus membrane because the trackers needs to be… Haha Whiskey “tinder-what?” me!

BLUE VEIN shit… tequila come on mate! So sugar is 10000x worse than any drug rip :( Elton John is great I love him! Poppy is crazy pt. 2, those dogs are scary, please no! Hey, Elton is friend hell yeah!

Ahhh, can I just say, even though I don’t want Eggsy with Tilde, he is such a decent man to tell her what he is going to do! Despite knowing she’s going to be mad! NO PROPOSAL PLEASE but still, Eggsy Unwin is a good man that is all I have to say! Started from the bottom (literally) now we’re here! Lol @Tilde he actually loves Harry Hart! Anyways, time to travel through the vagina! Matthew Sexist Vaughn everybody! LOL @Merlin being uncomfortable and Ginger being total 100% chill, they are perfect for each other! i ship

HI HARRY! Oh god is this the maggot butterfly scene? YES IT IS! oh fuck fuck fuck. Okay can I say, Harry Hart is so smiley, he loves talking about butterflies. THIS SCENE GOD yes Harry pin Eggsy against the wall! Btw my FAVORITE thing is when Harry says “Perhaps you mean larvae” and smiles. Such a sweet smile! And the smiles are sad at the same time, because he doesn’t know who Eggsy is! And now Eggsy is sad drinking, trying not to think about the old Harry, trying to deal with the whole Tilde situation. God, the scenes between Harry and Eggsy are making me so elated with both joy and sorrow, because Hartwin. BUT THE PUPPY! Eggsy looked up pet store and

OH MY GOD MR. PICKLES 2.0! FAVORITE SCENE EVER! Ahhh Harry smiling, or rather Colin smiling at the pupper, the most precious thing! Young, non-agent Harry Hart is innocent and will love and cherish a puppy. BUT EGGSY, stop torturing him! Eggsy is trying so hard to jog Harry’s memory, but it’s so sad! Also, Colin Firth’s acting in this scene, is just fantastic! Absolutely amazing, to see the contrast! Young Harry Hart or CGId Colin Firth is the sweetest thing, to see his love Mr. Pickles. Because truly, Mr. Pickles was Harry Hart’s pressure point. Saying that Harry would never hurt a puppy, it was a blank, and HARRY IS BACK! Harry Hart, the agent, the man who knew he was an agent, but also a man. A man with feelings, with love, with innocence! No more Eggy, hello Eggsy, your husband! GOSH, THE HUG! Eggsy Unwin on his tippy toes hugging his soulmate Harry Hart and the puppy he got him! YES, remember how Tilde got Eggsy a puppy to help him because she loved him. If you love somebody and get them a puppy, then you know that Eggsy Unwin is deeply in love with Harry Hart. I truly think this is it. Hartwin confirmed #nice

BAR NICE yay Harry is back! Still can’t believe! OH GOD Eggsy holding back tears seeing his eye, but Harry completely and undoubtedly ROCKING those eyepatch-glasses like he was meant to! Okay, who is this redneck guy calling Harry the f-word. Please, Harry Hart may be the gayest man alive (in TSS with Dean’s guy saying that there’s “another rent boy around the corner” triggering Harry just like the f-word did, as well as his smirk in TSS when saying “my black jewish boyfriend” HAHA) but this is just rude. And Harry can’t aim because his depth perception is 100x worse than before now :( Stop punching Harry my bby! #StopHurtingHarryHart2k17! Manners DO Maketh Man, but Harry still needs to relearn! Well Whiskey going to whip them into shape, Diana Prince 2.0? That’s a REALLY GOOD FIGHT SCENE! Wow Southerners are not like what I expected! I hope Harry gets better soon

UGH Poppy is crazy pt. 3! This disease is crazy, but there is Elton John to save the day! ELTON YOU DA MAN! Anyways, yikes! DANCING HHAHA, Tequila could bust some dank moves! Anyways the world is going crazy, but what else is new? OH the US president is a dick… Trump, is that you? Low-key about Trump even though this finished filming before he became president! See, the president here is what I think of when I think of Southerners.

Okay so they’re going to Italy! And Eggsy is not going without Harry! Aw, look at my sons who are so in love with each other! Nice outfits boy! Aw, Harry can’t do too much field work because he’s still recuperating :( He couldn’t aim his watch thing, but a bang will do! BTW Colin actually knows Italian, so this is perfect! HAHA River! Lol I hate @Charlie but SHIT his gf got caught hahahah yikes… Oh no Harry is hallucinating again! And here come a crazy ride, which Pedro and Taron actually felt because Matthew Vaughn wants to make everything as realistic as possible! Because Matthew Vaughn is the devil!! Okay this is hella intense for not being a fight scene but also funny because of them yelling! Lol they stopped because of Eggsy pulling the parachute (tb to TSS) but it’s an American flag wow how American! And the old man said that was the best shit he’s had in a while, so I guessed it all worked out!

Okay cabin scene, Eggsy greets his bf again yay but THERE ARE SHOOTERS SHIT also nice @whiskey really cool fight scene and DIANA PRINCE 2.0! Okay Harry just shot Whiskey and oh no Eggsy don’t blame yourself! It’s not your fault, really it’s not! But don’t yell at Harry, he just saved your life with that cologne lmao… Okay I don’t like Eggsy being mad at Harry :( OH SHIT WUDDUP CHARLIE JUST BLEW UP HIS GF yikes sucks. Btw Merlin and Ginger working together is amazing, they are a new ship!

The president sucks pt. 2 (again, Trump?) Wow this human in cage thing is crazy, dystopian shit, actual yikes! Not to mention everybody has the “dancing disease” lmao! Look, merlehad! Haha so apparently Harry should know Merlin’s favorite singer but he doesn”t rip

Thought the lawyer was Merlin ngl

Ugh Eggsy is sad, Harry make him feel better! MARTINIS! Oh shit, this is going to be emotional. Eggsy talking about Tilde to Harry, but Harry loves him. And god, talking about when he was shot by Valentine. Not thinking of anything, anybody, because he never loved anybody… Brings me back to when he wanted to go back to his mother while he still had amnesia, who most likely passed away :( Please Harry Hart, I know you love Eggsy. Somebody love him. He says love is “worth living for”, and he lived for Eggsy.. WHAT IF HE thought of Eggsy when he was dying, but he didn’t say anything here because Eggsy had just told him that he has a gf SHIT SHIT SHIT no no please hartwin no 

Aw sorry Whiskey :( He lost his gf, but now he is vengeful… wow okay this is a lot

MERLIN IN A KINGSMAN SUIT! YES MERLIN, I LOVE YOU, YES YES YOU LOOK SO FINE!  And the machete is his haha! Wow a baseball and bat, so American.

And so we are here, Cambodia, and SHIT LAND MINE. No no no no, this is where it happens. WHY DOESN’T THE FROZEN THING HAVE MORE THAN 1 USE what kind of faulty fucking kingsman/statesman shit is that if it only has 1 use WHY DIDN’T YOU CARRY MORE MERLIN WHY YOU’RE SO STUPID NO SORRY YOU’RE NOT STUPID ILY BUT WHY   :(((( Merlin sacrificing himself for Harry and Eggsy, because he is fully devoted to Kingsman. Eggsy trying to hold back emotion, but Harry and Merlin fully knowing what being a Kingsman is. “No time for emotion” FUCK

OH GOD.TAKE ME HOME, COUNTRY ROADS! Merlin singing in his scottish accent, yelling out like he was meant to. God, why. Merlin, such a brilliant man, WHY. And he’s distracting Poppy’s men to save Eggsy and Harry! Okay, DENIAL! NO. Did you HEAR that last note?! Merlin braced himself and closed his eyes, but he might’ve not died! Merlin, Hamish, survived! His legs may have been blown off, but we will see him in the third movie, legless or not! I refuse to believe Merlin is dead.

Elton John as low-key performer/drag queen is my FAVORITE! It’s Wednesday FUCK YEAH! Oh, Eggsy and Harry look so vengeful, and they are perfect fighting together! Absolutely amazing! Eggsy taking Harry’s blind side is amazing, and their fighting impeccable. THE BITCH IS BACK ON THE MOVIE THEATER, YES INDEED! ELTON JOHN JUST HIT A MAN I LOVE HIM! Harry Hart, Eggsy Unwin, spy husbands fighting side by side!

Okay, bye @ dogs! ! WOW ELTON JOHN IS A FRIEND YES HAHA, okay low-key thought Elton John was going to say “If you save the world, we can do it in the asshole” to be Harry’s Tilde but he said “you can get backstage passes” which is the same thing OKAY GOD ELTON JOHN X HARRY HART NEW SHIP?? YES YAY wow he blew a kiss to him I’m dead this is so gay I love it harry hart fucked elton john 

Charlie can go die okay thanks bye. Okay the one arm thing is dumb, Eggsy you have an advantage use both arms lol, anyways YES FOR MERLIN, REMEMBER MERLIN EGGSY!

Okay last fights. Poppy is crazy pt. final!  Julianne Moore’s acting is AMAZING, really great! But um, viva las vegans? That’s dumb. Okay anyways OH SHIT BOI WHISKEY Harry Hart knew it! FINAL FIGHT SCENE and this is amazing! Absolutely amazing fight scene of spy husbands vs. Wonder Woman 2.0! Whiskey lost somebody because of drug addicts, man wow Kingsman really focuses on real issues, like the environment and drug addiction, but the villains are some crazy people! 

Okay, Harry Hart is absolutely amazing, and he can fight amazingly now! Also, Colin Firth doing most of his stunts is AMAZING! Still can’t get the fact that Eggsy fit through the lasso! This is like the church scene in TSS and I love it! Epic fighting scenes with gore x rock music is A+!

YAY WORLD SAVED! Everybody is back! And the president sucks, so YAY FEMALE PRESIDENT! I think this is @ the American govt. and Trump LOL wow I love this movie.

SCOTLAND WINE BY KINGSMAN FUCK… Rest in peace Merlin :(

YES, GINGER IS FIELD AGENT! Okay besides the Roxy thing and tracker going inside vagine thing, this is a feminist movie! Female president, female statesman agent! FUCK YEAH!

Harry Hart and Eggsy Unwin, once again together… but Eggsy is getting married which, let’s not think about. MIRROR SCENE PARALLEL TO TSS AHH I want Harry Hart and Eggsy Unwin to love each other, to cherish each other, even if Eggsy doesn’t know “what the fuck is going on.” Alas, denial is key. 

FINALLLY WE SEE EGGSY’S MUM WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WHOLE “come live with me” fiasco from TSS HMM ALSO WHERE IS DAISY @ Matthew Vaughn you owe us

Colin Firth’s monologue as Harry Hart made me realize, that I love Kingsman and will never get over it. It is only the beginning, and I can’t wait for more. This had so much emotion, despite it being so intense. RIP Kingsman agents, JB, Roxy, Merlin. Harry Hart, I love you. Hartwin, I will NEVER give up on you.

Oh boi Tequila is kingsman???? damn okay nice hat boi

FUCK

I’m going to cry at 2 am while singing Take Me Home, Country Roads (update: I DID CRY AT 2 AM)

F U C K !

If you read until the end, you are a TRUE Kingsman fan and true mutual/reader. Nice to know there are others out there who are just as crazy as me, but what can you do when you have such an amazing movie! 

#thanks for reading lol #wow #kingsman: the golden circle #kingsman #kingsman 2 #kingsman the golden circle #the golden circle #tgc #kingsman tgc #harry hart #eggsy unwin #galahad #hartwin #merlin #hamish #kingsman spoilers #spoilers #merlehad #jb #j.b. #roxy morton #reggsy #roxanne morton #lancelot #poppy adams #charlie hesketh #elton john #agent whiskey #agent tequila #agent champagne

[occupyvenus]

The good, the bad, the ugly, the incredibly STUPID and the thin silver lining

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPOILERS FOR LEAKED EPISODE 6 UNDER THE CUT  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU ARE ON MOBILE, APPROACH WITH CAUTION !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME.  FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME.

Why didn’t Dickhead & Douchebag just break into my house, take a giant dump in my living room and then ask me to pay for it?  Why don’t Dipshit & Dumbass just put a bullet in my head and end my misery???? WHAT THE UNHOLY FUCK

Okay, that’s not really enough, but just to get this out of the way. Let’s start: 

THE GOOD

Finally a dragon died. Only real good thing in the episode. Undead Ice-Dragon is kinda cool, I’ll admit that.

Some of the interactions of the let’s-go-die-beyond-the-wall-like-a-bunch-of-fucking-idiots-squad were funny? - interesting? I guess? 

The differences between Tyrion and the D are getting more profound. He’ll turn on her in season 8. Thank god. Fuck god for saving all the interesting plotlines for later. 

The undead ice bear was pretty sweet as well. 

Jon looking hot in his furs.

THE BAD

“Bad” is too weak a word for all the bullshit that happened. All of that was moved to the “incredibly stupid” section. It can only be used for the things that weren’t on screen: 

No Bran. Couldn’t he simply end this amazingly-fucking-idiotic-piece-of-shit-ooc feud between his sisters? Both Sansa and Arya know about his visions, why isn’t one of them just going to him for some info? But that would make too much sense, so D&D cut Bran from the plot, hoping we are all to stupid to notice. 

No Cersei, no Jaime, no Euron. (Yes, that’s bad. The Cersei-stuff is the only thing that was kinda thrilling this season.)

Plotlines that were completely forgotten: Euron having Yara, Grey Worm and the Unsullied in Casterly Rock, as stated above no Bran, no Theon. Establishing a plot point just to let lie unused for the rest of the season is bad writing.

THE UGLY

Jon didn’t choose to go to Kings Landing. Blondie just put him on a boat while he was knocked out. Not happy about it happening, but at least he didn’t ditch WF for the stupid stupid dragon pit meeting by choice. 

The Wight hunt was as close to filler as you can get in a show like this. Half the episode was Benjen showing up was completely useless, if Jon had just hopped on the dragon with anyone else he wouldn’t have been left behind. No major human character died. (Thoros is not as important as say Tormund). 

BERIC FUCKING DONDARRION TEASING A FUCKING BOSS-FIGHT WITH THE KNIGHT KING ONLY FOR IT NOT TO HAPPEN. LIKE FUCK YOU TOO, BERIC. FUCK YOU.

THE INCREDIBLY STUPID 

I know they are playing loose with the timeline BUT HOW LONG WAS THE SUICIDE SQUAD WAITING FOR THE D IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT FROZEN LAKE? A couple of days, right? Gendry getting back to Eastwatch, a raven flying to Dragonstone, the D getting her dragons and flying beyond the Wall. How long did they camp there? 

Speaking of that: If they Army of the dead is close enough to the wall, that Gendry can sprint back there in one go.... Shouldn’t they just breach the wall within the next 24 hours tops? 

How did they fight off the Wights for so long? They only way to kill them is with fire, there is no reason for them to stop moving when cut down with a normal blade. 

Again the story beat with Benjen showing up was so fucking useless. It didn’t accomplish anything (Jon is super dead, btw. The fucker fell into icecold water, he like froze to death. Believe me it happened, even if they didn’t show that. Don’t let the show fool you.) other than killing his character in a completely senseless way. What? There’s no time to get on the horse? Just like there was no time for Jon to get on the fucking dragon?

Fuck, if one of those bright minds would have thought about taking a bow and some dragonglass-arrow heads with them, they could have killed the night king and the rest of the White Walkers right then and there. But no. That would have taken some logical thinking and planning.  

Beric teasing a fucking showdown with the Night King. Yeah Beric tell out

Why can’t they bring Thoros back to Eastwatch when they haven’t even come that far???  I mean what the fuck??? 

Under the assumption that there is no twist involved: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING TO ARYA? LIKE WHAT THE FUCK? I don’t really know what else to say about this... 

Rant under the assumption that there is no twist involved: I was this close to throwing up, like I was seriously physically sick over Jon being all “D*ny, My queen, they will if they see you for what you really are” uugggghhhh .... *kotz* so eine elendige scheiße. Fuck. ... 

Please keep reading the next section because those two “plots” are so extremely stupid I can’t believe they are actually really happening the way it seems right now.

THE THIN SILVER LINING

Still not sure if I’m buying Jon’s “feelings” for the D. Nothing we saw from Kit’s performance so far (especially last episode) build up to that. Plus, Tormund reminding him how many people died because of Mance’s stubbornness. Jon didn’t give two shits about the dragons last episode, there is no reason for him to be that heartbroken now. If his targ-blood was supposed to give him an instant connection to those fucking ugly fire-breathing lizards he could have just answered “yes, they are beautiful” last episode. But he didn’t. If he was supposed to be super in love with the D, he could have turned around when leaving. But he didn’t, quite contrary they emphasised that by Jorah turning around. Nothing about Jon so far suggested that he actually has any kind of serious feelings for her. They didn’t write in a single scene where both of them bonded as people.  Jon was still refusing to kneel last episode, the only two things that could have changed his minds: 1. Tormund talking shit about Mance. 2. witnessing how effective the D’s dragons are against the WW.  Still holding out hope for Jon playing her to get her help. It doesn’t make any sense otherwise (though would that stop Dickhead&Douchebag ???) Plus, Beric doubling down on “we are not fighting for a king/queen on a chair, we are fighting for life against death” and Jon doubling down on his former nights watch vows of shielding the realms of men ... makes it hard to believe that Jon would suddenly decide to serve “his queen” .Uuuughhhh..... I can’t believe I had to hear that with my own to ears. Can I sue Dickhead&Douchebag for compensation for my mental and emotional pain?  His behaviour towards the D after waking up, taking her hand, calling her his queen, appearing heartbroken about Viserion’s death, TAKING THE FUCKING BLAME FOR THIS MISSION WHEN HE ONLY WENT BECAUSE THE D REFUSED TO HELP HIM BEFORE, praising her, etc is so over the top, standing in such a vast contrast to his behaviour the previous episodes, it’s hard to take it as genuine. It’s so fucking cheesy, I never thought I would ever hear something like that out of Jon's mouth. If they had taken it only a nudge down I might be ready to buy it ... but like this??? I’m crossing my finger that Jon is only saying what the D wants to hear. Why would he call her “D*ny” ??? Seriously why? They never addressed each other on a first-name-basis.  He hasn’t called her anything but “Your Grace” until now. They could have easily written in a scene where the D tells him “you don’t have to call me your grace”, for example after the dragon-petting, to make it more believable. Jon first declines, but now makes good on that offer, going a step farther and calling her by a nickname. This came out of nowhere for Jon (the D had been making hearteyes at him, but the other way around? Naah.), it makes absolutely no sense.  I’ll say it again: Season 7 j0nerys can be described with two words: Obvious and superficial. It smells of red herring, it still does, because other than the hard-core-shippers the audience had no time or reason to actually get emotionally involved in this relationship. There was no “human moment” between them so far, none that didn’t end with their “kneel!” “no,fuck you” dilemma. 

If this amazingly-fucking-stupid-useless-piece-of-shit-ooc starkbowl is a trick to end LF, Sansa doesn’t know about it. Arya is so ooc and insufferable right now, it only makes sense if she (and maybe Bran) came up with this convoluted plan to get one over LF somehow. Why and How I don’t know, but it would be a nice enough twist to justify this giant turd of a plot. Maybe to get LF to feel safe, believing that Sansa has no other choice but to rely on him? Still holding out hope, because Arya just can’t be that stupid (THE LAST THING SHE SAW OF SANSA WAS HER PLEADING FOR THEIR FATHER’S LIFE BEING RESTRAINED BY THE KINGSGUARD AND FAINTING AFTER THEY CUT OFF THEIR FATHER'S HEAD). But all those interactions make me believe that at least Sansa doesn’t know about the plan. I hope, like really hope, that this will be resolved that way. Arya will kill LF next episode, revealing that she was playing LF and Sansa (he’s always following you around, I couldn’t risk him noticing something, I had to leave you in the dark) with a tender, lovely sister moment where apologizes for all the shit she said, saying that she doesn’t hold Sansa responsible for their father's death. I swear to all the goods, if that was just Arya, without a hidden agenda, I’m rooting for her to die on the show (book!Arya would never be like this. never). Her character is dead to me if that really is what she thinks and how she’s feelings. 

To sum this up: The Wight Hunt was the most stupid thing ever. If both Jon and Arya are truly thinking and feeling how they are show to be .... I will lay my two favourite book characters to rest. I want all of them to die. I hope the White Walkers win and kill every single living thing in Westeros. FUck D&D. Seriously, fuck them. You can tell that they only meant to have 7 seasons, but then decided to stretch the last one, write in some senseless, useless bullshit and then cut it in half. 

Unless they are turning a lot of this around in s8, grrm should be given the right to cut of their fucking, incompetent heads for ruining his life’s work.  

There’s probably more, but for now I’ll leave you with this. 

#e6 leaks

[choupetit]

GOT Recap: Beyond the Wall

Airdate:  8/20/17; Season 7, Episode 6

 Um, Houston…we have a problem. Ya know how when you see somebody about to do something that seems like a really bad idea, and then it turns out even worse than you imagined? Cool, cool, cool. Well, that pretty much sums up this week’s Game of Thrones - the penultimate episode of the season.  This was a super-sized episode and we got lots of action, a handful of surprises, a few history lessons and some pretty creepy behavior from one of the Stark siblings. Grab a paper bag to breathe into…and maybe a couple of tissues, too, because we are about to take a terrifying recap journey “Beyond The Wall”!

Bachelors in Parad-ice 

The episode starts off North of the Wall as we see Team Awesome - aka Jon Snow, Jorah Mormont, Gendry, The Hound, Tormund Giantsbane, Beric Dondarrion,  Thorros of Myr, and a few additional unnamed men (I’d say it’s fair to call them “expendables”)  - on their way to catch a snow zombie beyond the wall so they can bring it to Queen Cersei. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around why this seemed like the best way to convince her of the existence of Whitewalkers.  Wouldn’t it be easier to kidnap Cersei and take her on a quick dragon flight up North for a sneak peek?  But I digress.  It’s a long walk, with plenty of time for conversation.

 Jon brings Tormund up to speed on his stay at Dragonstone and tells him of Daenerys’ request to bend the knee to her before she’ll lend any of her forces for the impending war against the Army of Dead.  Tormund pretty much tells Jon to suck it up – he says that even though Mance Rayder was the much-respected leader of the Wildlings, his pride caused a lot of them to die, unnecessarily.

Behind them, Thorros of Myr is talking to Gendry asking if he is still butthurt that the Brotherhood sold him to Melisandre to do her witchy voodoo magic with his blood. Turns out, Gendry is indeed still mad – he wanted to be a part of the Brotherhood and they totally screwed him over. Plus, he almost died. The  Hound tells him to quit his whining, and points to Dondarrion , “That dude died six times already and you don’t hear him complaining.”

Meanwhile Ser Jorah and Jon are rehashing a little history involving their fathers.  Jorah recounts how Ned Stark was going to execute him for trying to sell some poachers into slavery back in the day, which led to his exile and his family disowning him.   In turn, Jon offers his condolences for how Jorah’s father, Lord Commander Mormont met his demise and he assures Jorah all the mutineers who had a hand in the late Lord Commander’s death have been brought to justice.  

Jon then attempts to give Jorah the family sword – Longclaw - which Lord Commander Mormont bestowed upon Jon back at Castle Black.  This is the sword that’s made of Valyrian steel and it’s the same one that Jon used to kill a Whitewalker at Hardhome.  I want to scream at the screen “Why in blazing hell are you offering your amazing Whitewalker-killing sword to Jorah RIGHT NOW when you’re in Whitewalker territory??? Hold onto the damn sword, you idiot!” But no need, Ser Jorah insists that Jon keep the sword.  With his complicated family history, he doesn’t feel right taking it, and he tells Jon he hopes it will serve him well and his children after him.  Kids, you say? Well, well, well, aren’t we quite the optimist, as we walk the freezing tundra of the Night King’s turf!

 How Do You Solve A Problem Like Arya?

Back at Winterfell, Arya and Sansa stand on the balcony overlooking the courtyard and Arya shares a touching memory she has of their dad, but then she darkly ends things with “And now he’s dead, thanks in part to you.”  Sansa’s all “Ex-CUSE me?” And then Arya whips out the scroll she stole from Littlefinger’s room.  It’s the letter Cersei forced Sansa to write to her brother Robb urging him to swear fealty to King Joffrey back in Season 1 in order to help her father when he was imprisoned by the Lannisters,.  As we all know, Robb assumed it was written under duress.  And things didn’t turn out well for Ned Stark in spite of Sansa’s attempts. Arya accuses Sansa of being a hoity, toity wussy little traitor to their family.  She tells her she watched their father’s execution, and saw Sansa sitting loyally next to King Joffrey – all gussied up.  Sansa calls BS and has some choice words of her own for Arya.  “Um yeah, I didn’t see you trying to save dad, either. I did what I had to in order to survive. And btw the very reason we’re in Winterfell today is thanks to me and my political skills – because the Knights of the Vale support me.  In conclusion, my life has been one horrendous sh*tshow after the next, so why don’t you have the Winterfell seamstress make you some new clothes ‘cause those judgy-pants you’re wearing are looking awfully smug.”

Arya ends things with a thinly veiled threat that she just might show the scroll to the people who matter most to Sansa:  the Northern Lords. Will they be so fond of Sansa once they think of her as a coward who betrayed her family?  Sansa tells her not to do anything rash, and maybe grab a Snickers bar, because…you’re not you when you’re hangry.

Back to Team Awesome, Tormund and the Hound share some hilarious banter with the Hound ragging on redheads and Tormund telling him of this gal he has back home – as he describes her, the Hound realizes he’s talking about Brienne of Tarth.  It’s a great scene with some much-needed humor.

Beric Dondarrion and Jon Snow are chatting, discussing their shared experience of dying and being brought back to life.  Dondarrion is pretty much a veteran at this, seeing how Thorros of Myr has brought him back six times so far.   When Jon wonders what it’s all about, Dondarrion tells him there’s only one enemy: Death.  And even though death always wins in the end, it’s their calling to fight back as much and as often as they can.  Jon’s all, “Cool story, bro. That works for me.”

Suddenly they all halt and the Hound points to a mountain that looks like the one from his vision. He senses the Army of Dead can’t be too far.  Meeep! I’m getting anxious.

Targaryen Stratageryen

Aaaaand, cut to Dragonstone, where it’s Smores Sunday, y’all!!!  Daenerys and Tyrion are hanging out by the fireplace and Dany gives Tyrion a backhanded compliment…or shall we say a real compliment that lands terribly – and is really just a guise for her to talk about Jon Snow: “Ya know what I like about you? You’re not a hero. You don’t go showing off doing stupid things that will get you killed like  hunky Drogo, Dreamboat Daario, Valiant Jorah, or Sexy Jon Snow.  Just kidding, Jon’s totally not sexy, he’s way too short for me. Uh…not that there is anything wrong with men of short stature, ‘cause they’re totes cool…and um, I know you’re totally brave and stuff, too.  Ok. So…let’s talk Cersei strategy.”

Tyrion’s all “Yeah, thanks. Ok, so Jaime said he’ll keep the Lannister Army in check.  Cersei be cray and is an all-around terrible person.  She’s probably going to say stuff to get your goat so…maybe don’t take the bait by being impulsive during truce negotiations?” Dany’s all, “WHAT??? I’M EVEN-KEELED ALL THE TIME! Why would you even say that?”  Two words: Tarly Barbecue.

Tyrion adds that patience is a virtue for a ruler and  the world that Dany wants Westeros to become won’t happen overnight.  It’ll take a lot of time.  Perhaps even a lifetime.  Now might be a good time to do some estate planning and figure out who’s going to be Dany’s successor if anything should happen to her.  Dany tells him in no uncertain terms that her dragons are the only children she’ll ever have and they will talk about successors once she’s on the throne.  Conversation over.

We’re back up North with Team Awesome and they are walking through a blizzard.  Their scout is walking ahead and we see a figure obscured by the raging snow storm.  The anticipation is intense.  Out of nowhere, a huge bear appears and savagely attacks the group.  If you haven’t seen the Revenant yet, you’re in luck…you get to watch a bear maul somebody without all the boring parts! Woot!  As the beast attacks the men, we see it has blue eyes.  Holy moly, it’s a zombie bear!!!  The beast attacks Thorros and somebody in the group manages to stab it with some dragon glass and it shatters.  Thorros is pretty torn up, but Beric Dondarrion cauterizes the wound with his awesome flaming sword and the group moves on.   

At Winterfell, Sansa invites Littlefinger to her room to talk about Arya and wonders how she got the scroll in the first place.  Littlefinger shrugs “Beats me.” Sansa worries that the Northern lords are growing restless during Jon’s absence, and might take any reason they can find to leave Winterfell.  This scroll might push them over the edge.  Littlefinger suggests Sansa might have Brienne intercede on her behalf if there is any sign that Arya might do her and her reputation harm.  After all, Brienne has sworn to protect both Stark sisters.  Sansa considers this.  But what exactly “interceding” means  is a bit unclear to me – especially as this is a suggestion coming from Littlefinger.

Back North again, Jorah speaks with a limping Thorros, who constantly takes sips from his flask. Jorah is recoutning one of the battles that happened during Robert’s Rebellion, when Tormund hears something and everybody stops.  In a valley below, they see a handful of snow zombies walking.  They wonder where the rest of the group is.

Our heroes lay a trap and ambush the snow zombies and the single Whitewalker who’s with them.  Jon strikes down the Whitewalker with Longclaw and the army of dead around them all crumble to pieces.  Just one snow zombie is left standing – that’s their zombie that they can bring back for Cersei!  Woot woot! Only thing is, they have to subdue the damn thing, and let me tell you, zombies sure know how to put up a fight. As they wrestle the zombie to the ground, it lets out a deafening high-pitched scream.  Suddenly snow tornados start to build in the distance. Ruh roh, that’s the same thing that happened at Hardhome before all the Army of Dead appeared.  Trouble is coming!  Jon tells Gendry – who is the fastest of them all – to run back to Eastwatch to send a raven to Daenerys.  The Hound grabs Gendry’s battle hammer and tells him to leave it, as he’ll run faster. Gendry bolts.

The remaining members of the group make a run for it, dragging their zombie hostage along, and steel themselves for a fight. We see a mass of snow zombies run in from all directions.  Team Awesome suddenly hear the ground below them crack and they realize they are standing on a lake of thin ice. They rush to the center of the lake where a stone island juts out.  The snow zombies run after them at full force, some fall though the broken ice.  Are they gonna walk underneath the ice, I wonder in horror.  Nope, we’re good.  We see an aerial view showing Jon & Co. stranded on the rocky island, completely encircled.  It’s like Battle of the Bastards all over again and dread washes over Jon’s face. Then, all of a sudden, the Army of Dead stops.  Turns out…they don’t like water!  Huh. They all just lurk at the outskirts of the lake.  Standing. Waiting silently.  It’s beyond freaky.

 How’s Gendry doing? He’s running and running, and mercifully, no snow zombies are on his trail.  I’m totally hearing the “Run Forrest, Run!” chant in my head…but with Gendry’s name, obvi. He can see the Wall off in the distance. 

Night falls on the little rock island and all is still.  Team Awesome looks out as the Dead look back.  

 Gendry is maybe 50 feet out from Eastwatch when he collapses into the snow. Oh man! Seriously, dude? You’re so close! The gate opens and some men rush out to get him. As Davos bends down to ask what happened, Gendry utters “I need to send a raven!” Whew, at least word will get to Dany!  

It’s morning on the rocky platform, and our heros start to do sun salutations and discover that Thorros has passed in the night.  They use the alcohol in his flask to burn him, but without a resurrectionist on site, Dondarrion and Jon are on their last lives.  

Jorah wonders about what happened earlier when Jon killed the Whitewalker and all the zombies fell. Jon assumes it’s because that particular Whitewalker turned them, except for the zombie hostage they took. Makes perfect sense, I mean, this is basic Vampire Mythology 101, people!  So maybe they just need to kill all the Whitewalkers on site to get out of this jam.  As he looks around and sees the Army of Dead patiently waiting, Jon utters “Nope, then we lose our hostage.  Dany is our only hope.” “Not necessarily,” interjects Dondarrion.  If they can kill the Night King, who turned all the Whitewalkers, then they can kill all the walking dead.  That would be pretty easy peasy, doncha think?

 Back at Winterfell, Sansa gets more bad news.  She’s been invited to King’s Landing, but no way is she stepping foot back there with evil Queen Cersei on the throne.  She decides to send Brienne as her emissary, but Brienne protests “If I leave, then you’re not safe from whatever Littlefinger is planning. Let me at least leave Poddrick.” Sansa’s like “Um, news flash, I own this place and my guards will protect me. Hit the road now, BriBri, if you wanna get there on time!”  Hmmm, is she getting rid of Brienne on purpose?  On the bright side, Brienne will get to see her number one crush, Jaime Lannister!  

Gendry’s raven has arrived at Dragonstone, and Queen Daenerys is wearing  a fabulous coat from her new Dracarys winter collection. She’s ready to hop on her dragon and bail out Team Awesome.  Tyrion attempts to talk her out of it, saying sometimes doing nothing is the best decision. Based on his recent track record, Tyrion’s suggestions have proven to be just plain awful, so Dany ignores his advice and takes off on Drogon with her other two dragons in tow.

God Willin’ And The Creek Don’t Freeze

We’re back at the Rock of Doom, while our heroes are sitting ducks and the Army of Dead continues to loom in the distance.  The Hound has taken it upon himself to do a little target practice by throwing rocks at one of the decomposing soldiers’ heads.  Its jaw comes off and he picks up another rock for funsies, but it falls short and lands on the ice…which doesn’t break.  The Hound channels his inner Urkel  -“Did I do that?” - as it dawns on everybody that the Army of Dead can safely walk straight to them.  

The zombies start to cross the ice, spaced out enough as not to break the ice.  Team Awesome are in for a terrifying battle as more and more snow zombie close in on them.  Luckily, the men all have dragon glass weapons with them, but they are outnumbered by about 100 to 1.  As they engage in combat, things are rough with zombies coming at them left and right.

The Hound pounds a huge hole in the ice with the hammer Gendry left behind and that helps to stop at least some of the snow zombies. Enjoy your jacuzzi, mofos!  

 Jon yells for them to fall back – um, to WHERE, dude?  The back of the rock island juts  a bit higher so the zombies behind them can’t reach them.  During their retreat, Tormund gets attacked by a group of the dead all at once and they start to pull him into the hole in the ice.  Oh no, does this mean we’ll never get to see the love that could blossom between Tormund and Brienne?!  Just when it looks like it’s game over for our fave Wildling, the Hound saves him!  Hey, he DOES like gingers!

The group retreats as much as they can with zombies clawing up at them, and Jon looks around , his face screams “Just go to your zen-filled happy place, Jon!” Just when it looks like they are total goners, we see a stream of fire come down from the sky – huzzah, Queen Dany to the rescue!!!  Drogon and the other two dragons, Rhaegal and Viserion swoop in, and similar to the battle with the Lannisters, Dany’s dragons torch the place and snow zombies fall left and right.  Climate change is real, biatches!

 Drogon lands on the rock island and the members of Team Awesome start to scramble up on the dragon, except for Jon, who feels the inexplicable need to show off or something. He fights off snow zombies as the others climb aboard Drogon Airlines.

Meanwhile, the Night King and his Lieutenants look on, with their usual expression - a mix of  calm reserve and bitchy sourface.  One of the lieutenants grabs a huge ice spear and slowly, deliberately hands it to the Night King.  Oh, crap.  Just when I was thinking that at least they weren’t going into dragon-slayer territory, the Whitewalkers prove me wrong.  The Night King takes aim at one of the dragons, methodically tracking it and then – whoosh – he throws the spear with incredible force and accuracy and it hits Viserion, who tumbles from the sky.  

 Time seems to stop as Dany sees her dragon-child fall and her face just breaks.  Viserion hits the ice and slowly sinks down into the water below and disappears.  Jon starts to run to the others, but when he sees one of the Whitewalkers reach for yet another spear, he shouts for Dany and the others to leave.  As he runs, a group of snow zombies tackle him and they all fall through the hole in the ice.  

Drogon takes off with Dany and the Team Awesome members, along with their snow zombie hostage, and the Night King takes aim at them.  He launches the spear, but this time the dragon does an excellent serpentine dodge, and the spear misses its mark.  The Night King and his Army of Dead start to saunter off. 

On the ice, Longclaw lays forgotten when suddenly Jon emerges from the water and claws his way back onto the ice.  As he ambles, shivering, in the general direction of Eastwatch, some of the retreating Snow Zombies take note and turn to attack him.  Jon, braces himself to go down fighting, when a rider appears behind the zombies and whacks them in the head with a flaming ball and chain – Uncle Benjen saves the day! Benjen gallops up to Jon and puts him on this horse, then stays behind as Jon rides off.  Uncle B gets a few good swings in at the zombies, but their sheer volume is too much for him to take on, and he vanishes in a sea of snow zombies.

At Eastwatch, the Hound is loading the snow zombie into a boat, while Dany and Jorah look out from the watchtower, scouring the woods and snow below for a sign of life.  Jorah tells Dany it’s time to leave, but Dany wants to wait just a little longer.  She finally turns to leave when a horn blows and the horse appears from the trees below with Jon collapsed over its back.

On Dany’s ship, heading back to Dragonstone, a group of men are pulling off Jon’s frozen clothes and settling his unconscious body into bed as she looks on.  If this was any other kind of show, I’d expect somebody to say “He’s suffering from hypothermia and needs some bare skin on him to warm up! Anybody have any suggestions?”  As Dany sees his bare chest, she notices the stab wounds in his heart and chest…and hey, Jon Snow is surprisingly ripped!  Maybe short guys aren’t that bad after all. 

Sibling Rivalry

Back to the Winterfell saga! Sansa is snooping around Arya’s room, presumably looking for the damaging scroll, when she comes across a satchel filled with…faces? Arya surprises her from behind. “Hey sis, looking for something?” Sansa is disturbed by her discovery and asks, “What’s with the Ronald Reagan mask, Arya? Has somebody been watching too much Point Break?” Then Arya creepily asks if Sansa wants to play a game.  If she starts to ask what Sansa’s favorite scary movie is, I’m gonna lose it! Arya tells Sansa of her “Game of Faces” she used to play at the assassin academy.  Sansa puts on a brave face, but you can tell she is terrified, heck even I’m worried about what Arya will do.  The younger sister grabs the Catspaw dagger Bran gave her the other day, and she tells Sansa how she can become anybody she wants to – why, she could even be Lady Stark of Winterfell – all she needs is her face.  Arya raises the dagger, and then gives it a quick twirl and hands it to Sansa before walking away.  Jeepers Creepers!!

I’ll Stand By You

Jon awakens and Dany is waiting by his bedside.  He immediately apologizes for her dragon-baby loss and tells her he wishes they had never gone on their zombie retrieval errand.  Although she grieves for her dragon – the only children she’ll ever have, she’s sure to point out – she doesn’t regret them going, as it’s the only way she would believe the Whitewalker threat is real.  She offers Jon her support, no strings attached and says they will defeat the Night King together.

Jon tells her he’s ready to call her his Queen and that the Northern Lords will follow suit when they see her for who she is – a true leader.  He grabs her hand and when she starts to lets go he holds on just a bit as they share a long meaningful look, then she pulls her hand away and tells him to rest up.

Rise and Shine

Back at the zombie lake retreat, droves of zombies are pulling the fallen dragon out of the icy water with giant chains.  I guess Whitewalkers never leave home without their hardware.  Plus, they must have managed to get some snow zombies who hate water to do a little scuba dive to attach the chains, but that’s all petty details.  The main thing here is that they have a deceased dragon and a Night King who can reanimate the dead, so no good can come of this.  As the dragon corpse lays on the ice, the Night King walks up to him and touches his head – Viserion’s eye opens and it gleams a bright blue! Roll credits. 

 Well…that’s not good! I’ve always had a nagging feeling that we might be seeing an ice dragon at some point, and now we have.  I do wonder, though, about the logistics of an ice dragon - does it actually have any fire power, or does it just spray out a refreshing mist?  We’ll find out soon enough.  This is bad news bears all around, though.  They could very well just burn down the wall in one fell blow.  My one hope is that Cersei will in fact unite forces with her enemy to defeat the Whitewalkers, and they can put some dragon glass arrowheads on Qyburn’s weaponry.

Can we just take a moment to discuss how every time Jon Snow embarks on a dangerous mission, it always ends in disaster with somebody bailing him out?  I’m just saying, maybe we don’t wanna use him for the big battles anymore.  Perhaps having a Plan B or C in place would be a wise idea, too, in case things go south.  And, just throwing this out there: maybe Bran can start to tag along warg-style on dangerous endeavors, so when things go horribly wrong, he can send in the cavalry instead of everybody waiting for a messenger to send a raven.  Also, let’s hear it for the speedy ravens of Westeros, amiright?

As for the Winterfell happenings: What the heck is up with Arya?  She is being a major biatch to Sansa. Is this what she is like in her downtime? I mean, when you think about it, we’ve never really seen her socializing in normal settings - maybe she has PTSD where she just assumes everybody is an enemy.  Girl needs to take a chill pill and give Sansa a break.  I guess when you lead a nomadic lifestyle you don’t have to worry much about fostering relationships with others.  Also, where was Bran to just be like “Hey sisters, Littlefinger is just playing you.” Bran better have some amazing ace up his sleeve.

 As for Littlefinger…is his endgame here really just to get rid of Brienne? Did he suggest the “interceding thing” because he wants Brienne to engage Arya in combat? Brienne wouldn’t really ever hurt Arya, but I guess Arya is a loose cannon and could very well kill Brienne…which would take her out of the picture, and perhaps that is Littlefingers real goal?  Maybe Sansa is onto him and that’s why she sent Brienne to King’s Landing.  Or maybe that’s exactly what Littlefinger REALLY wanted.  Ack, it’s so complicated!

Next week is the finale episode and it’s gonna be even longer than this recent episode.  One thing’s for sure - tension is gonna be at an all time high as Cersei, Dany and Jon all convene in one place.  I mean, I assume Jon is going to King’s Landing, but I could be wrong.  Until then, let’s all pour out a forty for Viserion and pray that ice dragons can’t breach the wall.

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