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ddagent · 4 years

Note

Huge request for Papa Bee to be on the podcast!! 😻

Here we are, our footnotes session with Papa Bee! Quite a few people sent in questions, so I’m just going to include those as part of the fic rather than list them all here. But thank you to all those who do send in questions; it’s so much fun!

A huge thank you to @resthefuture who made this AMAZING moodboard for the podcast verse. Seriously, it is gorgeous, and I love it.

B: The following podcast contains strong language, literary violence, and explicit sexual content.

(tourney horn plays)

J: Welcome to The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden, the footnotes! And for the first time, we have a VERY special guest. It’s Bee’s father, Papa Bee everyone!

S: Hello!

(Jay and Bee clap)

J: Thank you, Papa Bee, for joining us today.

B: You didn’t exactly give him much of a choice.

S: It’s fine, Little Star. I love listening to the two of you doing your podcast; you both sound like you’re having so much fun.

J: We are, thank you, Papa Bee. Now, you’ve brought snacks for us to eat during the podcast today. Quite a few people have asked about your biscuit recipe, can you tell the listeners what you’ve made for us?

S: Of course, lad. I’ve made some lemon curd biscuits for you, lad, and some sausage rolls with apple for my girl.

J: Bee does like a bit of sausage.

B: JAY! I cannot believe you just said that.

J: What, what? You do; you always prefer to have a sausage sandwich when we have breakfast before classes. (chuckles) I don’t know what you’re implying.

B: I hate you. I really hate you.

J: You’ve been saying that since we met, but I don’t think even you believe that anymore. (pause) Anyway, we’ve got introductions out the way, we’ve got our snacks sorted, let’s get down to business.

B: Last week we began reading the first chapter of Off the King’s Road, a hideously explicit tale of Goldenhand and Ser Blue’s journey to King’s Landing.

J: Papa Bee, you were the one who provided us with this dreadful novel. Can you talk about how you found it whilst I have a biscuit?

S: Of course, lad. Since you and my Little Star have started doing this podcast, I’ve been keeping an eye out for any secondhand bookshops, charity shops. Me and Goodwin – you remember Goodwin, don’t you, Bee?

B: Of course, he taught me how to swing a re-enactment sword.

S: Well, we were at a boot sale the other weekend on the other side of the island, and this woman had two plastic tubs filled with all these paperbacks. Now, one caught my eye, because I remember you getting in trouble at school for reading it.

B: Oh, Gods.

J: Off the King’s Road. (Bee groans) She mentioned the Septa caught her?

S: Oh, she did. Only time my Bee ever got sent home was because she had been reading a dirty book.

B: It was a historical romance novel, and what was it doing in the library if not to be read?

J: You’re just full of excuses, aren’t you? (Jay laughs) What chapter were you reading? Was it the one we read last episode?

B: No, no, I believe it was the one in the Harrenhal baths.

S: Memory serves, you went through a period of only having baths after that.

J: (laughs) Really? Oh, well, in that case, I cannot wait to get to that chapter.

B: Our shower was broken!

J: Of course, of course. Now, we’ve had a few comments about the latest episode, which is more than the usual one comment we get from you, Papa Bee. So we’ll take it in turns to read some of them out. This is from weirddaydreamingfangirl, who says “I can't wait for Papa Bee’s appearance!"

S: Very sweet. Hopefully, it won’t be a disappointment.

B: Of course it won’t be, Dad. Okay, here’s another: ulmo80 says, "That book sounds awful." It really does, but get used to it, because we’re committed to reading the whole thing. Dad, do you want to read out the next one?

S: sarahoftarth says (pauses) Do you think she’s Margo’s girl from down the road?

B: I don’t know, Dad. I don’t think so.

S: She could be. She’s called Sarah. Anyway, sarahoftarth says, “Jay's unsuccessful flirting is just too much, I just want to shake them both!” And if it is Sarah from down the road, say hello to your mother.

B: What does she mean by flirting?

J: What does she mean by unsuccessful?

B: Well, clearly that you’re not very good at it. Not that I’ve ever seen you flirt; plenty of people flirt with you, but you never pursue someone yourself.

S: I think there’s a reason for that, Little Star.

B: Oh, I know. ‘None of these women meet his impossibly high standards’.

J: Really? That’s what you think? (pauses) Okay. Let’s, uh, le’s answer a few questions, now. Here’s one for Papa Bee, it’s from a-squire-is-for-life-not-just-for-sevenmas, “Papa Bee, what made you decide to name your daughter after Ser Blue?” That’s a great question.

S: Well, like my daughter, I have a love of history. Our house has always been filled with antiques and suits of armour and Oathkeeper right in the main hall. There’s not been a huge amount of girls born in the last few generations; none, in fact. Both me and Bee’s mum expected her to be a boy, too.

J: What would you have called her, if she was a boy?

S: We liked Robb, and I’d always quite liked Brynden as a name, too. But she was a girl, and I knew she had to be Bri–she had to be named after Ser Blue. Someone strong, and brave. Who would do amazing things. I knew my daughter had to be named after her.

(pause)

B: O–okay. Next question is from everything-is-a-cereal-bowl. (laughs) Clearly someone on your wavelength, Jay.

J: I don’t know what you’re trying to say.

B: There was milk in my saucepan this morning.

J: I was making a creamy pasta sauce.

B: There were choco pops in it.

J: I was making hot chocolate?

B: Anyway, everything-is-a-cereal-bowl asks, “Papa Bee, what do you think of Jay?”

S: I think he’s a lovely lad, very smart, and the smartest thing he’s ever done is become best friends with my little girl.

J: See, Bee, your dad thinks we’re best friends.

B: Fine, fine! We’re best friends!

(all three laugh)

J: I think we’ve got time for another couple of questions. Okay, this is from jaybee28: “Hi Papa Bee—”

S: Hello jaybee28!

J: “Hi Papa Bee so excited to have you on an episode of footnotes. I know they recommended submitting questions related to your ancestors but something has been bugging me since the latest episode and I can think of no one better to pose the question than you!” Okay, does this mean you have to ask it?

B: I think so. Jay, give my Dad the tablet.

S: Alright, let’s read what we’ve got here. Right, so, the question is, “Jay... why do you know how little/much Bee knows about blow jobs?”

B: WHAT THE—

J: Language.

B: I read out the warning at the beginning; it says strong language so I’m going to say, what the fuck, jaybee28?

J: (laughs) It is a valid question.

B: No it isn’t, not in front of my father.

J: I think any father would be happy his daughter doesn’t know a great deal about blow jobs.

S: Little Star, I do listen to all your episodes, you know. I am aware my daughter knows about sex. Especially after you found that book, and all those stories of you and—

B: —no, please, I beg of you, do not finish that thought.

J: I will pay you five hundred gold dragons right now, Papa Bee, to finish that thought.

B: You can barely afford rent; you ate at my house all last week to save money.

J: It’s called being financially conscious. But, honestly, I’d live in a box if your father finished that sentence. (Bee huffs) And, in answer to your question, jaybee28, when we first started researching the idea of a podcast, we were looking through historical erotica and Bee casually wondered why so many stories had cannibalism as they all described swallowing a man whole.

B: Wonderful; this is exactly what I wanted to happen on this podcast.

J: Come on, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

B: Next special guest we have is going to be your brother, you do realise that, don’t you?

J: (pause) I do now.

B: Good. Right, one more question before we finish. It’s for my Dad. colour-chart-courtship has asked, “Papa Bee, what would you think if Jay and Bee decided to host their podcast for life? Jay is hers, Bee is his, for as long as the tourney horn plays.” I–I don’t get it.

J: Well, as long as we have people listening, I guess we’ll still do it.

S: colour-chart-courtship, I would be over the moon if these two decided to host this podcast for life. It makes them both happy, and that’s all a father wants for his little girl. And if they decide to make any spin-offs, I’d be glad to help out with those, too.

J: A spin-off, I’d like that. (pause) We could read out bad essay assignments!

B: I do believe that’s a breach of data protection.

J: Pfft.

B: Right, before it’s necessary for me to help Jay navigate a university tribunal, I think we should end it there. Thank you, Dad, for joining us today. I hope it hasn’t been too traumatic.

S: Not at all! I’ll come back next week, if you want.

J: I have a feeling next week’s guest spot is already full. Right, Bee?

B: Right, Jay.

J: (sighs) But, yes, thank you so much, Papa Bee. And thank you, everyone, who has listened to our podcast, commented or sent us in questions. If you have any questions, feel free to send them to [email protected].

B: We have our caw account up and running; you can leave us some comments there.

J: Next episode we’ll be heading back to the Stark camp for chapter two of Off the King’s Road.

B: We’re also going to be on Vinyl Grooves in the next week or so; we’ll let you know when the episode goes out.

J: Wonderful.

B: Dad, do you want to say the closing remarks?

S: Of course! Valar morghulis!

(tourney horn plays)

#sarahoftarth #braime #jaime x brienne #ship: braime #mine: paragraph prompts #fic: podcast verse

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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 5 years

Text

Michael After Midnight: Doug Walker’s The Wall

You know, I thought that nothing could harm the Nostalgia Critic’s career after he survived the whole #ChangeTheChannel fiasco. I thought Doug Walker would be able to survive anything. I thought the Nostalgia Critic could never sink that low again.

I was wrong.

The latest review by Doug Walker is, in fact, not a review – it is a full-on parody musical that lampoons Pink Floyd’s The Wall. But lampooning is probably a bit too kind; this lampoons its subject matter in a way that would make Seltzer and Friedberg blush. This is pretty much the nadir of parody right here, there’s no getting around it.

In short: This fucking sucks. But leaving it short isn’t any fun, now is it? Why does this suck?

Well, for one, Doug seems to have absolutely no understanding of the subject matter, despite claiming to love it. He makes the most third-grade observations, like “It’s BORING!” or “It’s PRETENTIOUS!” but literally none of these criticisms hold any sort of water or weight because everything is being sung in piss-poor parodies of Pink Floyd songs. Despite Doug’s claims that this is all meant to be a loving tribute, it comes off more as what someone who just utterly hates Pink Floyd’s music would say the music sounds like. I think perhaps the worst ‘criticism’ of all is when he calls one of the songs “Oscar-bait”… you know, despite the movie being based on an album, not the other way around. The song wasn’t made for the movie, the movie was made for the song.

The music is just downrtight awful as well. The reinterpretations of the original instrumentals are soulless and disgusting, Doug and everyone else in this can’t sing for shit, and the lyrics are just vapid non-criticisms or observations a grade schooler would make. Then there’s getting Slipknot frontman Corey Taylor to star. He can’t act for shit, and despite being a famous musician with demonstrable talent in his field… he never once sings. Well, he does sing once, but it’s the SpongeBob theme for some reason. Maybe this is a sly allusion to the widely-hated SpongeBob special “Atlantis Squarepantis,” where they got David Bowie to play the king of Atlantis and, despite the episode being a musical, never have him sing. Of course, I think that’s a bit too cerebral for Doug, so probably not; it’s just an accidental comparison to a vastly superior piece of media I can make. And yes, “Atlantis Squarepantis” is a piece of shit, but it’s still better than this.

Another big flaw is the absolutely shitty production value. One of the reasons The Wall is so great is because it has incredible production value, incredible animation… and all of that is absent here. This has some of the most mind-numbingly awful animation on the internet, with crappy CGI and stock video effects coexisting and congealing into a fetid pool of garbage. And that’s not even getting into the god-awful animation for the freaky monster that is existing as a tribute to the wonderfully deranged animation from the beloved trial sequence; in fact, I’m pretty sure that the entire trial segment in this video is nothing but an excuse to show off a bunch of furry OCs, because there is no other discernible rhyme or reason to anything being shown onscreen.

There’s also the way this whole thing where he seems to be… modernizing the whole album? Like aside from adding his insults to the work of Pink Floyd to the songs, a lot of the imagery he’s throwing into this is just really bad, shallow, and nonsensical. And of course, there’s something really tacky and tasteless about trying to update a very personal, slightly biographical work that is filled with cultural context that Doug just constantly ignores. Perhaps the worst such moment is the chants of “HASHTAG” in one of the songs, but then it just hits you with the goose-stepping phones right after and frankly that takes the cake.

I think the worst part of all of this is Doug’s sheer delusions of grandeur. Look at the way he talks about the album during the commercial break, blatantly lying and calling it a “love-letter” as well as saying it’s “great stuff” when it just so clearly ISN’T. The music is awful and lifeless, Doug just can’t sing for shit, the whole thing is so bitter and meanspirited… And then there’s just the sheer audacity of this man who is standing in front of framed pictures of his own movies, his big YouTube subscriber count award thing on the wall behind him, calling this movie pretentious, egocentric, and up its own ass. This movie is like the physical embodiment of a lack of self awareness.

And you know what? Maybe all of this wouldn’t be so bad if there was any actual reviewing in this. The entire review is like two lines at the end of the video. Two lines that are preceded by a shitty stock video effect. This is a monument to Doug’s sins. This is his egomania in its purest, most unadulterated form. The fact he actually wrote Corey Taylor pointing out that he needs to review a movie in a movie review and then proceeds to not do that and just lead into a nonsensical reference is just… insulting. Doug wastes nearly forty minutes of your life, insulted you, and refused to give any insightful or valid criticisms. And this is a guy you are ostensibly watching for his opinions and critiques of films in between the comedy, and he can give good insight, especially in his more down-to-earth reviews, so it baffles me even more why he would think it is a good idea to eschew analysis of one of the most symbolic films ever made just to do a shitty Disaster Movie-quality parody album.

I think what’s so strange is how I have no idea who this video is supposed to be appealing to. Pink Floyd fans will hate it, people who like music will hate it, people who like Doug’s reviews will hate it… there’s literally no one I can see enjoying this video in any sense, not even an ironic one. Maybe if you’re a hardcore furry who wanted more fursonas in The Wall you’ll enjoy it, but you have to get through half an hour of Doug’s shitty singing to hear it and then you have to sit through the worst animation this side of Doogal. It’s not worth it. Just go to e621 and beat off, it’s a better and less shameful time than watching through this fucking trainwreck.

Fuck you for this, Doug. If this was your passion project, it’s pretty clear to me your passion is best focused elsewhere, because if you really did put your all into this your all is worth absolutely nothing. This is insulting, embarrassing, and downright pathetic. I have never felt so much secondhand embarrassment for another human being in my life than I did watching this. I’m a man who can find something to love in some really crappy movies, but god fucking dammit, this is beyond me. Doug Walker deserves every ounce of hatred and scorn he gets for this video. It is, without a doubt in my mind, the single worst piece of film of this entire year, and perhaps the single worst video on YouTube’s website. It certainly deserves that “honor” more than some goofy pop song by a teenager ever did.

Oh hey, maybe I should end this review on an ambiguous, nonsensical, open ended note like Doug did, because apparently that’s what GOOD reviewers do! Here’s the baby from Eraserhead.

Fuck you Doug.

#Review #Video review #The Wall #Nostalgia Critic #Doug Walker #Pink Floyd #parody #Michael After Midnight

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cerullos · 5 years

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(sorry ik u answered that ask like a week ago) i think tennant staying for s5 wouldve eased the transition in showrunners so the change wouldnt be so jarring but i also dislike about 85% of the stuff moffat wrote for ten so yeah. no thanks. (even tho s5 > 6 and 7)

yeah this is a fair take! i think tbh ten as a character was just...fundamentally incompatible w/ moffat’s idea of what the doctor “should” be. river’s allusions to ten in forest of the dead made that especially clear, like...just hearing this gives me secondhand embarrassment, imagine incorporating praise of your own bad ideas into your original character’s dialogue, and in doing so literally...dragging the main character, created by the show’s actual current producer? no tact and no sense of shame, he really is the whole package

i digress obviously but...i started with eleventh hour (woe is me, etc.) so i never experienced the change from ten to eleven in real-time. usually by the end of an RTD rewatch i'm ready for something new, just...not what we ended up getting. which is unfortunately...a bit how i’ve been feeling w/ the latest season but obviously to a lesser degree, and in a very different sense.

definitely S5 is the best of eleven’s three, (the show got progressively harder for me to watch, so i hardly ever touch the first half of S7 w/ the exception of dinosaurs on a spaceship). i do like the snowmen & the rings of akhaten a lot. there’s not much to salvage in S6 either, the opening two-parter is okay mostly because the silence is a cool concept (cool until they were ruined by river lore, obviously) and amy wears plaid. god complex and girl who waited are objectively good episodes even though they’re kind of the monkey’s paw of “i want an episode where amy isn’t a background character” like...oh, you can have it but it’s gonna be gross.

rebel flesh/almost people/good man goes to war/let’s kill hitler are nigh unwatchable, it’s actually kind of unreal....just, one after the other. the S5 finale is a mess but at least it knew how to let loose and have fun sometimes...the whole bit with young amy in the museum was very good, i still love watching it.

#asks #Anonymous

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trishmishtree · 6 years

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Live-tumbling my reaction to ml season 2 episode 16 (Troublemaker)

(Spoilers and salt below)

With the way Penny is getting pulled left and right, it’s really no surprise who the villain will be.

Wait, is Rolling Stone an actual ship? I thought it was an ml crack thing.

I have never liked Marinette’s English voice. And here it still sounds like a grown woman plugging her nose and badly imitating a kid (i.e. it’s squeaky and annoying as ever). I try to keep my complaining about this particular issue to a minimum, but it’s really distracting today.

“She did the cover for my latest album”--is this “latest album” the same as the one he’s just now releasing? Or is he releasing a brand new one? I need to know for timeline purposes!

Hey remember that time in Gigantitan when Marinette got all her female friends together and they were scheming to get her and her crush together, except she thought none of them knew it was Adrien but they all did because they weRE ALL IN HER ROOM WHERE SHE HANGS UP A GAZILLION PICTURES OF ADRIEN ON THE WALLS? WHAAAAAAAT? HOW DID THEY EVER GUESS??????

Well, clearly she never learned.

(Also, secondhand embarrassment is not a substitute for good writing.)

(Though we really shouldn’t expect this to go anywhere because the writers are milking the love square for all it’s worth while writing off their feelings for each other as a joke anyway.)

I don’t get it. Wasn’t this supposed to be a reality show (i.e. the type of thing that you don’t broadcast live because it needs to go through post)? Or was that the plan that Penny canceled in favor of getting Jagged to do that bit in Tom’s bakery? Why was it live? Why did it need to be live?

I skipped the akuma-creating scene because it’s always recycled footage and Hawkmoth’s English voice is also stupid. Probably didn’t miss anything there.

Cool, she phases through things.

I’m sure Marinette freaking out would be cute and funny in another dub, but I just CAN’T STAND her English voice.

Sabine’s voice is a little too young sounding, too.

“Sure your bakery isn’t build on an ancient cemetery?” lol

Troublemaker’s motive isn’t exactly clear to me. Who is she mad at? Jagged? Bob? Alec? Mari? Or is she just fucking things up for shits and giggles?

Since she’s phasing through things and apparently invisible and everyone thinks it’s an angry ghost, they really should have called her Poltergeist instead.

“Let me take care of this, it’ll be a piece of cake” *grooooooaaaaannnnnn*

This is hardly the first time they’ve had to fight a villain in Marinette’s room (remember the Puppeteer?), so I don’t get why this Marinette’s-a-creepy-stalker issue wasn’t addressed earlier. (Though, Ladybug isn’t exactly in the wrong for snapping at Chat Noir to focus on the job and stop snooping around.)

Sure, just stand around and shout out your plan for anyone to hear when you’re fighting a villain who can tuRN INVISIBLE.

Oh, cool, I never noticed that Troublemaker has to click her pen in order to turn immaterial.

I guess the transformation drops faster if the wielder of the miraculous wants it to drop, and it drops slower if the wielder is fighting to keep it? But that doesn’t make any sense because Lady Wifi knocked Chat Noir’s ring off when he fell in the freezer, and he detransformed instantly. Maybe it’s just a Ladybug thing? or just bad writing again. And where was Tikki? Ladybug lost the earring against her will, so Tikki should have fallen out. And the detransformation always loses the mask LAST, so why was half her mask coming off before the rest of her suit?

Ladybug’s miraculous is a stud earring. There’s supposed to be a clip-on button thing in the back keeping it in place. I’m pretty sure you can’t remove them by just pulling them off, unless you want to tear someone’s earlobe or it’s one of those stick-on earrings for kids.

...speaking of stick-on earrings......

That was actually pretty clever. Now make sure to re-apply that superglue regularly so both their miraculouses will stop falling off/getting taken at inopportune times. If the masks are magically stuck on, then I don’t see why the miraculouses can’t be glued on either. (”Sorry Hawkmoth, sir, I couldn’t get their miraculouses because they’re glued on!” is one way to prevent Hawkmoth from getting the “ultimate power,” I guess.)

“The girl of my dreams.” Ok, I knew that line was coming (thanks for not tagging your spoilers, assholes), but it wasn’t as bad as I expected.

^This was sweet and all, but can the English VAs please stop it with the weird moaning/grunting noises?

The voices are still annoying, but now I’m even more annoyed by the weird pauses in dialogue. There’s probably only a half second’s pause, but it just feels off, or stilted and unnatural.

Can Adrien materializing behind Marinette’s locker when it’s impossible for him to get there be the new running gag in the show?

(Speaking of running gags, you know what we haven’t seen in a while? Mari the phone thief. I miss her.)

So Marinette brushed it off as “I’m really into fashion [implied: your dad’s designs are where I get my inspiration]” and Adrien brushed it off as “I guess that means we’re really good friends!” :D

I don’t know if the fandom is upset that Adrien finding about all those pictures didn’t lead to any Adrienette development or Reveal™, but I’m honestly fine with that. Probably because I pretty much expected it to go down that way, seeing as the writing for this season isn’t that great and I know they want to drag out the love square gag for as long as they can, but Marinette’s crush on Adrien and Adrien’s crush on Ladybug are still too idealized and shallow anyway.

Overall, I’m giving this episode a 7/10. It was not as dumb as I was afraid it was going to be, but the villain’s design and concept were lazy and the voice acting was too cringey to ignore. Will re-evaluate the rating after the French dub comes out.

Also, Mari really should take down the most egregious pictures and keep them on her phone or in that diary box, where no one else can access them. That, or put up more pictures of all her other friends.

#l'insaisissable #troublemaker #miraculous ladybug #ml spoilers #miraculous spoilers #miraculous musings

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i-may-have-a-point · 6 years

Text

Review of 14x09 “1-800-799-7233”

My thoughts on the latest episode of Grey’s. Let me know what you think!

We have been waiting a year and a half to see Jo and Paul come face to face. This story is why fans showed up to watch the mid-season premiere. Stories of domestic violence often go unheard. The victim’s integrity is questioned, the perpetrator’s actions are excused, and the stories are swept under rugs, pushed behind doors, and hushed until anyone who dares speak of them is silenced.

Because of this, telling the story of a domestic violence victim on one of the most watched primetime dramas in history is a milestone. This story really began in 12x24 when Jo told Deluca about Paul and the writers chose to say, “Domestic violence is happening. It’s not okay, and we aren’t going to ignore it.” Unfortunately, they did somewhat ignore it as this story should have happened in season 13 instead of the Alex/Deluca beating that will never be spoke of again, but I digress. Regardless of the timeline, they are telling the story, so I will focus on that.

Because the build up to Jo and Paul seeing each other again has taken thirty-four episodes, this story deserved to be a centric. The focus should have been solely on Jo, Alex, and Paul. The acting of Camilla Luddington and Matthew Morrison in this episode was up there with some of the best of Grey’s Anatomy, however, the strange juxtaposition of stories, and even acting, in this episode took away from what should have been their moment to shine.

The episode starts with Jo, and the audience, trapped in her head. We’re all picking up pieces of what Paul is saying, but not everything is processing. “Paul…fiancé...help you needed…” This scene reminded me of how they presented Owen’s PTSD when he found out Megan was alive. He was going through the motions, but inside, he was frozen in trauma. And PTSD may be what Jo is experiencing as well. Many domestic violence victims do.

The decision to place the audience in Jo’s muffled thoughts and then transition into Arizona’s bubbly admiration of Paul was a nice choice. It was just what Jo needed to pull her back to reality and give her time to think. She knows this man. She knows he is a monster, but very few other people do. It also shows the viewers why this situation was/is so difficult for Jo to escape from. In the medical world, he seems to be a hero, and heroes don’t fall easily.

Just from the opening scene, I knew that Camilla and Matthew were going to nail this story and they did. The fear in Jo’s eyes contrasted with Paul’s charm and dominance was chilling.

Meredith and Glasses are slowly melting in the OR as the air conditioner is not working and Bailey finds out the hacker now controls the temperature. So, she calls Jackson for the 97th time, and we cut to Jackson and Maggie, who have apparently landed at their destination. Cue eye-rolling turned cringe at seeing them on screen and then Jackson clearly forgetting all bloodborne pathogen training and slapping his slippery glove on that woman’s shoulder. This is the second time this season they have had a scene with obvious blood contamination. Did the person in charge of checking for that quit?

Frankie is rushed to the OR because he should not have been given heparin. Jo begins to explain that she sent a text, and then got held up by her abusive husband, but before she can get the words out, Alex channels season 12’s Angry Alex and snaps at her. What was up with that? He has been nothing but in love with her all season, so why the moment of annoyance? Why not give her the chance to tell him Paul is there and let him comfort her? Amelia can take care of Frankie. She has no other storyline right now so that shouldn’t be a problem.

Deluca is placed in charge of keeping Sam from telling the patients they are all going to die, and Webber gives Paul operating privileges because we just hand out scalpels here at Grey-Sloan Memorial.

Owen and April are running the ER with paper charts and post-it notes. I appreciate that they are shown as competent, capable surgeons in a crisis. Because they’ve done this before. “Takes you back to Jordan, right?” “Yeah, only hotter.” In an earlier review this season, I said that April’s journey is about finally dealing with all the decisions she has made in the past and figuring out what makes her happy. This is another example of that happening. Nicole Herman has been brought up, Matthew’s flash-mob proposal has been brought up, Jordan is brought up this week, and we all suspect to hear Samuel’s name next week. I like this as a journey for April, but I wish we were seeing more of it on our screen. Either way, I think the end of her journey will always lead to Jackson.

Speaking of Jackson, how did April know he was on the Medavac chopper? We certainly didn’t see him tell her in 14x08, so are we supposed to believe he texted her from the chopper? Things like this are incredibly frustrating. We have this supposed love triangle happening, yet Jackson and April are purposefully kept out of scenes together. Then, we get these little moments dangled in front of us just to keep us wondering. One side of this triangle, Jackson and Maggie, is shoved down our throats in every episode, yet they cannot manage to gather a fan following. Their ship name was quickly turned into a joke, and every comment section on every form of social media is full of comments praying for their scenes to end. Jackson and April have little to no screen time. We see them share looks across rooms, we get told that April knows where Jackson is when even the Chief has no idea, but they have not had a significant scene in seven episodes. And yet, every poll, every comment section, and every review reflects that this side of the triangle, Jackson and April, is the only side the fans want to see together in the end.

Jackson and Maggie operating on their patient is unrealistic. They would have signed him over to doctors at the new hospital and showered immediately. Any hospital that would have allowed them to scrub in (assuming they did?) and operate covered in blood, when they had other options, is one that should be shut down. I get that the show tried to use this scene to have them banter about being covered in blood, but bantering requires chemistry and the ability to play off of the other actor, neither of which they have, so the scene just came across as unsanitary and gross – in more ways than one.

Speaking of banter, I like Sam and Deluca, but where are they going with them? I wish they had started as colleagues who didn’t know each other and built to a relationship. There is no build up here because as Sam says, Deluca penetrates her every five minutes. And I have lost interest in their backstory because of it.

Alex finally finds out that Paul’s in the hospital and starts an intern treasure hunt to make sure Jo is okay. I love that line.

Paul steps in for Glasses to create a classic awkward O.R. moment which brings Meredith into the story. I appreciate that the show tried to show women sticking up for each other and being strong, but I can’t help but sigh at Meredith saving the day Every. Single. Time. Can you imagine if Edwards were still here? She would have stepped right up to Paul’s smirking face and told him to burn in hell. She set a rapist on fire. That girl was fierce.

Jo’s reaction to finding out Alex sent the intern to find her was perfect. She needed that reminder that someone loves her and cares about her. Sweet scene.

The show has to be getting paid for promoting Tinder so much at this point, right? Carina catches Arizona swiping away, and I realize I forgot about both of them. It seems like they are flirting, but I don’t care enough to really pay attention. Arizona is capable of more than flirting, and it’s been too long since we’ve seen it.

Meanwhile, intern Parker electrocutes the blood bank door, and as someone on Reddit said, I see more sparks in that scene than I ever have in a Gaggie scene.

One of my favorite scenes of the episode is when Jo runs to Meredith and Alex insisting that what Paul said about her isn’t true. She is so desperate for them to believe her. The only thing that could have made it better is if she would have fallen into Alex’s arms and not Meredith’s.

April realizes their system is not failproof. They lost a post-it and forgot a patient which leads to them opening the man’s chest in the hallway. I have always liked Team Trauma. Owen is a kind, older brother figure to April, and this moment was no different. We also got to see April show how talented she is under pressure. I saw a couple people wondering if this was a chemistry test, but I hope with everything I have that it wasn’t. It is possible for a man and woman to have a platonic relationship, although this show has a hard time showing that, and the LAST thing I want to see is Owen eating April’s face when he kisses her. He has been divorced three times (Beth, Cristina, and Amelia assuming they actually signed papers off screen), and he needs to be single for a while.

Jo telling Alex and Mer that the intern followed her into the stall was a great line, but again, I thought that the scene should have just been Jo and Alex discussing what to do next. Instead, it felt like Mer took over the situation and made the decisions. You can argue that Mer thought Alex would get violent, and she was trying to avoid that, but I think it that were going to happen it would have when Alex first saw him. There was no one around to stop him, and he controlled himself. Let him be Jo’s rock.

Then we get the low-budget porn locker room scene. Scenes like this greatly take away from the seriousness of domestic violence and the powerful work that Camilla did. The transition from feeling heartbroken for Jo to secondhand embarrassment for Jackson and Maggie threw the whole episode off. If it weren’t for these awkward scenes, the episode could have been one of Grey’s best.

I’m not one who has to wipe the drool from my chin when Jesse Williams takes his shirt off, so seeing him standing in a towel definitely didn’t save this scene for me. I would much rather see him share scenes with someone he has chemistry with and where he can show a range of emotions. I think this scene was supposed to show sexual tension, but it could not have been farther from that. Whose idea was it to start the scene with Maggie saying, “Did you know that cell phones have ten times more bacteria than a public toilet seat?” Why would she be thinking of that random bit of trivia while sitting in a towel in an unfamiliar locker room? This is not cute or endearing. Jackson replies, “Cool story,” and I completely understand why. That’s what I say when I want people to stop telling me information I care nothing about. And what hospital locks up their scrubs? I guess the same one who lets doctors operate while covered in blood. In their second scene, I have no idea what they said because I was trying to decide if they looked so uncomfortable because they have no chemistry or if they were trying to lean far enough back so they didn’t have that stomach roll that we all have when we slouch. Probably both. Side note: Scrub delivery guy is a hero.

Jo and Paul sign the divorce papers. I love that Mer swiped the divorce papers away before Paul could take them, and that Jo got the chance to tell him what a monster he is. It could have been over at this point, but Jo is too good of a person. She wants to help Jenny because no one helped her. Her plan was smart. Arizona telling Paul she needed some “man power” was just the thing someone like Paul wants to hear, and it gave Jo some time alone with Jenny. Unfortunately, Jenny is either crazy or ignorant and not only didn’t take Jo’s advice, but she also told Paul everything Jo said and gave him her phone number. (You can change your number, Jo.) Matthew Morrison was peak creepy in this scene, and there were moments when I thought he was going to hit both Jo and Meredith, but (predictably) Mer saved the day when she pretended to call for security.

Dr. Parker gets the hospital back online, and we, along with Bailey find out he is transgender. Once we all googled the actor’s name, we found out he actually is transgender. Kudos to Grey’s for casting an actual transgender actor to play a transgender character. But, um, who was the hacker?

Amelia, Deluca, and Sam team up to enter this new surgical contest, which could be good, I hesitate to say.

April (of course) sees Jackson and Maggie are back, and then Webber tricks her into offering to run the surgical contest instead of him. Sigh. I was really hoping to see April compete in the contest, but I should have known that wouldn’t happen. My only hope is that her running what is actually Jackson’s contest and controlling his money will lead somewhere. It’s probably better that April control his money anyway seeing as he’s obviously not thinking clearly. No one in their right mind would ask their step-sister out. Yet he did. Maggie may have said no and left with another guy, but this story is far from over. Hopefully, 14x10 should give us some of the answers we are waiting for since Jackson and April finally have scenes together again. If this is truly a triangle, like they keep insisting it is, it should be presented that way next week. It won’t be hard. Japril’s chemistry is undeniable. One look at each other and social media will be on fire with renewed hope for their endgame. And I do still think they are endgame. We just have a long road before we get there.

#grey's anatomy #japril #jackson avery #april kepner #jolex #jo wilson #alex karev #14x09 #i don't know why this is so long

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