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the-lady-writes-what · 3 years

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Update on Fox Gods’ Wife

Before I pass out in bed, I managed to plot out the first three chapters of the new fic. In all likelihood, it’ll be posted on my AO3 account but I’ll post previews and teasers with official links. For projects like this, I feel like they’re too long for Tumblr and for multiple chapter works I tend to run 4000-5000+ per chapter as the minimum. If I hit my groove, I can pump out between 6000-8000+ for one chapter. I feel like that is too long for a Tumblr post. Below are the chapters I came up with. The way I plot everything is using astrology and tarot cards because I’ve always hated those maps they give out in English classes. This is a weird system I came up with that happens to work for me. If you have any questions about it or want to try it yourself, you’re more than welcome to ask me. I’m not a professional tarot card reader, but the divination aspects of tarot isn’t what I use for my writing craft anyway.

Chapter 1

1. The Moon: intuition, illusion, fear, subconscious, the unconscious, mystery, secrets, psychic work, imagination, falsehood, deception/deceptive people in one’s life; Masae is caught in a daydream during her break. She returns to work and gets a vague from her boyfriend. She faces a subconscious fear that Neito is somehow lying to her, but she can’t pinpoint it. As she leaves work, Masae runs into harmless spirits that she feeds her leftovers. When she finally arrives home, there is no there to greet her.

2. Two of Cups, reversed: imbalance, disconnection, unworthiness, struggle, quarrels and misunderstandings, love not returned, a secret liaison, disharmony, cooling affection; Masae’s boyfriend eventually comes home. Neito complains about having to get dinner himself while gaslighting Masae about not texting him about what to get supper. Masae makes a weak apology (even though she doesn’t need to). Neito seemingly tries to make up his attitude earlier by flirting with her. While making love, Masae notices something odd about Neito’s behavior in the bedroom but brushes it aside.

3. King of Pentacles: power, influence, abundance, security, material success, pragmatism, a steady, methodical, and reliable man, an older established man, businessman; The next day at work, Masae is struggling to focus on work. Her boss comes around to scold her for not doing her work properly, even though she is. Masae bites her tongue and returns to work discouraged.

4. The Fool, reversed: carelessness, negligence, uncertainty, apathy, restlessness and boredom, the need for a new beginning, folly; Masae returns home from work again. This time she finds that Neito is home before her. He makes a barely believable story and gaslights her. Masae finds an earring in the bedroom, but doesn’t recognize it. She shrugs it off and puts it in her jewelry box.

5. High Priestess: the subconscious, wisdom, serenity, intuition, emotions, feminine power, spirituality, inner power, the influence of women, hidden influences at work, mysteries and secrets; Masae is visited by her Aunt Emi when Neito leaves a brief business trip. Emi is a shaman of sorts and understands Masae’s secret abilities to see spirits and ghosts. Emi is convinced that there is negative energy in the home Masae shares with Neito. Masae eventually tells Emi that she’s been feeling weird, off-putting vibes from Neito and tells her about the earring she found on the bedroom floor. Their conversation is cut off by Neito. Emi leaves reluctantly. Neito chides Masae for relying on her “crazy aunt” for advice. “Thank goodness you’re not blood related. I wouldn’t want it spreading through the gene pool. You don’t honestly believe in spirits and all that nonsense do you, Masae?” Wanting to please him, she quickly denies it. Masae lies in bed, unable to sleep.

Chapter 2

1. The Hanged Man: sacrifice, release, new perspective, surrender, letting go, seeing things from a different perspective, suspension, detachment from the material, meditation; Masae is stuck. She begins to become paranoid about Neito and her feelings towards him. She slowly begins to suspect him of something and it becomes more obvious that he’s hiding an affair behind her back. When she confronts him about it, Neito is quick to gaslight her and lie through his teeth. He makes her feel bad for even suggesting he’s cheating on her. Even after listening to him, Masae still can’t help but trust her gut feeling that he’s cheating on her. Masae slips into a depression and can’t seem to enjoy her books and manga anymore.

2. Nine of Wands, reversed: failure, defensiveness, hesitation, paranoia, cut your losses, existing partnership has lost its glow, spite; Masae comes home to find Neito with a female guest in their home. She feels jealous, but doesn’t make a show of it while the other woman is there. Neito’s guest seems oblivious Masae’s discomfort. Once she leaves, Neito chides Masae for not letting him know when she was coming home. They have a fight and Masae stays with her aunt instead of sharing her bed with Neito.

3. Six of Pentacles: generosity, charity, empathy, kindness, give and take, cooperation, gifts and awards; Masae comes to her Aunt Emi weighed down by fear and anxiety. She explains that she just had a fight with Neito and asks if she could stay a while. Naturally, Aunt Emi is more than happy to take her in for as long as it takes. Almost a week later, Neito arrives at the door with flowers and well-worded apology. He seemingly apologizes for his actions, however he does all of this while Aunt Emi is away and can’t warn Masae about Neito’s subtle gaslighting. Masae is so used to it, that she doesn’t notice it and takes him back.

4. The Star: renewal, hope, serenity, clarity, happiness, light at the end of the tunnel; Neito becomes sweeter than before as if to mask something. Masae begins to have her suspcions again, but is willing to give him a second chance. In a matter of days, Neito is still sickly-sweet to Masae, although by now she doesn’t notice the subtle deceipt. Neito plans a big date night to make up for his previous behavior.

5. The Tower: upheaval, change, awakening, shock, freedom, upsets, destruction of the old system, breakups, conflict and disruptions; Masae gets ready for her date with Neito when she gets a omninous text from her aunt. She tries not to think about it when she goes out with Neito. Everything seems to be going well until dessert. One of Neito’s exes spies them from across the restaurant. She explains that Neito is a chronic cheater and shows Masae pictures of Neito’s social media with the girl she saw at their home. Masae is so upset that she leaves the restaurant in tears.

Chapter Three

1. The Lovers: unification, choices, harmony, relationships, partnerships, the union of opposites, cooperation; In a town called Kitsunemura, located on Awaji Island, a young couple visit a shrine dedicated to a couple of fox gods. They pray for a successful and wonderful marriage. On their way out, the woman mentions how sad the shrine looks these days because it looks so old and run-down. The chapter cuts to Shouta and Hizashi, the fox gods, apparent opposites but also (sometimes) lovers themselves.

2. Four of Cups: meditation, resentment, apathy, discontentment, withdrawal, rest, boredom, lack of inspiration; Shouta looks around at the shrine and sighs. Hizashi is riding the cloud of accomplishment of helping yet another couple before he notices how downcast Shouta now appears. Shouta tells him that the state of the shrine won’t bring in enough people and they’ll be forced to return to Heaven (home of the gods). They can’t simply fix the shrine themselves due to limitations in their powers and drawing too much attention to the shrine (it might frighten more people away if it were to suddenly change overnight). Hizashi suggests going somewhere to alleviate their boredom. Shouta takes another look around the shrine and reluctantly agrees with the plan.

3. Seven of Cups: illusion, imagination, unrealistic desires, possibility, fantasy, dreams; Hizashi and Shouta go to the Spirit World (the go-between world of gods, spirits, and ghosts). They go to the Gods’ Quarter where they go to an inn to drink away their boredom. While they’re entertained, Hizashi senses one of their few devotees asking for help. He’s wasted and doesn’t think much of it. He drunkenly tells Shouta, but they both end up in a stupor and fall asleep together.

4. Eight of Pentacles: creativity, concentration, craftsmanship, focus, skill, work, determination; Hizashi wakes up with a hang-over only to discover that he’s back home. Shouta had carried him back home, but awoken early to see if there was something he could do for the shrine. Hizashi finds him at work reviving some of the plants and trees, however it has little effect as the shrine’s general appearance does not seem to improve or be able to attract more devotees.

5. The Star: renewal, hope, serenity, clarity, happiness, light at the end of the tunnel; Shouta and Hizashi sit up to watch the night sky after expending so much spiritual energy trying to fix their own shrine. Hizashi snuggles up to Shouta and holds him. Shouta notices some stars falling out of the sky and recalls the “mortal tradition” of making a wish on a falling star. Shouta doesn’t bother exploring the tradition, but Hizashi wishes that their bosses would send someone to help them save the shrine and keep them on earth.

#more writing stuff #OC #plotting #fox god AU #Fox Gods' WIfe #my hero academia fanfiction #slow burn

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mamacleo · 3 years

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BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: You can't beat it. Or can you?

TW, CW: Frank discussion of mental illness, language

SPOILER ALERT: Triumph.

ADVISO: Long (yeh, surprise)

Everyone reading this who knows me knows about my struggles with mental illness especially borderline personality disorder (BPD). This missive is written because, after an entire adulthood of being its servant and its victim, at last I have a strategy. As of today.

I want to use this opportunity, then, to inform anyone who might not understand BPD. This is going to be an actual article, and I will repost this on Blogger, Medium, and Tumblr.

What I'll do is give a bit of info about BPD for anyone who might not understand it, describe how last night and this morning are typical in ways anyone can understand, and then relate my solution. I do this knowing that this solution is specifically for me. It may not work for anyone else. But you can try it and see if it works.

Let me talk about BPD. It doesn't exist among adults who did not experience trauma in their childhood. Childhood physical trauma can lead to PTSD in adults, and that's one thing, but BPD only comes out of emotional trauma, and bad trauma at that. Kids who were gaslighted, lied to, and subjected to wild, irrational mood swings are the most susceptible. BPD is, if you would like it put simply, those extremes of emotion you might feel from time to time ratcheted up to 11 and happening virtually every day. BPD is emotion magnified and amplified.

Offense becomes anger, anger becomes rage, rage becomes fury. A lot of rage junkies are BPD. It's not just fear of abandonment, it's terror. Shifts in emotion can produce panic, mania, and horror. Love becomes obsession. There's virtually no way to regulate it. Once it kicks in, rational thinking stops. Things that should make sense to most people don't make sense to the sufferer. Logical thinking becomes impossible. People can explain things to you reasonably and thoroughly, but your mind can't accept them. Every worry can turn into a soul-crushing depression. Every fear can turn into screaming paranoia.

No, you can't control it. (Though as you read on, you'll see that this girl now has a strategy.) For my entire life, I have been searching for a key to unlock this straitjacket. When it kicks in, it's virtually impossible to stop. It has to build to a crescendo, a sort of anti-orgasm made of nuclear-fueled insecurity, before something makes it break. Then you return to normal and all you can do is try to cope with the fallout.

BPD people know what's going on. Maybe not in the moment. We can't always see what's happening, which frightens and confuses us more. Like the comedian John Mulaney said, "We don't want us to do this either." We know what happened once it's over, though, but not all the horror, regret, shame, and remorse can change what happened, and it won't stop it from happening again. Sometimes we even see ourselves starting down that road once it starts, but recognizing it doesn't help. Quickly it takes over our thinking, both rational and emotional, and whatever perception we had that we thought could rescue us vanishes. Then it's down the rabbit hole, where nothing makes sense and nothing stops the descent.

I have said and done terrible things during episodes. I have said and done them knowing *at the time* that they were terrible, yet I was powerless to stop them. That is what people do not understand, but perhaps these words will express to the unknowing the misery of this disorder. When I was in rehab for drinking, our facilitator used the phrase, "Somebody else is driving the bus." That is almost exactly it. Most of the time, Cleo is driving the bus, but when an episode kicks in, Cleo becomes an observer in her own head. Somebody else is driving the bus.

It happens in an instant. No warning. One instant it's not there. The next, it is. Nothing you can do will prevent it.

That driver is like a separate entity living inside you. Full disclosure: I also suffer from dissociative identity disorder, which manifests mildly for me, but dissociation is far from unknown among BPD sufferers. In fact, most people dissociate at one time or another. Ever state into space without thinking, then snap out of it? Not know how you got from point A to point B in your car, though you were driving the whole time? Ever "zone out"? That's dissociation.

But dissociative identity disorder, that's a different thing. It's what used to be called "multiple personality disorder," and the full range of the disorder is only recently becoming known. It was thought, classically, to be rapid switching from one identity to another, but it is far more complex. There are shadow areas where multiple identities operate simultaneously, grades of consciousness, grades of awareness... When I use the phrase, "someone else is driving the bus," it can be anything from one identity seizing total awareness to the core identity (Cleo, "me") watching in horror while my body and all its behavior are being "driven" by some other consciousness.

That happens more often than people know. I have had entire conversations with people, watching in panic as things I would have never dreamed of saying in my right mind flew out of my mouth. I couldn't stop them. Screaming internally accomplishes nothing. Pleading internally for it to be over has no effect. I have lost jobs because of it. And worse. Nothing I can do stops it.

Until today. Triumph approacheth.

Some of you have heard me say that I can see through a brick wall in time. I am not normally a fast thinker. The obvious sometimes eludes me. Sometimes it takes forever for me to see a pattern. I'm just kind of slow that way. But understand, that BPD/DID combo, like I said, is almost its own entity. I do not embellish or exaggerate when I say it fights for survival. The fight to stay integrated every day...well, sometimes it's a battle royals. Thing is, though, that entity is almost entirely composed of parts of my subconscious. It knows all the tricks it needs to survive.

That means that this thing I finally cottoned onto today.. The pattern has been there for me to see for a long, long time. Today, for whatever reason, it finally became apparent. If spirituality bothers you, I apologize, but the other night, a 3-day BPD rampage ended with, again, me aghast at my behavior. But this time, there was something--the expression on my wife's face when it hit its peak--that I could clutch onto. I prayed. I prayed to the Goddesses to help me through, as I have before, but this time with leverage. I prayed to the Goddesses to teach me how to use that lever.

Here's what happened. Last night my wife said something that might have been mildly annoying to a normal person, but which triggered the cascade of emotions I have come to recognize as the beginning of an episode. I left the room so I could calm down and try to organize my thoughts. With some success, I came back to bed, but it didn't subside. When I awoke, the episode was still there waiting for me. Then came the usual cascade of what I call, and what my wife has come to dread hearing, "dumb shit." The volume wouldn't go down. The cat knocked my phone out of my hand. Taking off my headphones accidentally flipped my glasses off my face. The episode started building up to detonation.

After calming it down some, I talked with Callie about it. I told her she needed to know what was happening so she could cope with it. Then I noticed something was bothering her and asked if it was me. She said no, but said she didn't want to tell me because it would make matters worse. Then: the spark.

No, I said, tell me. If it has nothing to do with me, maybe this will give me a problem to solve that can take my mind off the episode.

As she told me, the pattern I have been waiting all my life to see finally unfolded before me. Years and years of similar moments came to me. How often, when I am in an episode, one of my kids, or a friend, or a loved one, will reach out to me for help or advice, and I make that problem my own. I focus all my analytical intensity on it. I dissect it. I sort it out. I take it apart, then reassemble it in a way that makes sense. At the end, a resolution.

And the episode is gone.

So for the first time, just today, came the conscious choice to fix someone else's problem in the hopes it would resolve mine. I've done it before, subconsciously, but today I made the choice, and it worked.

IT. WORKED.

Now, at long last, I have a strategy. I have to know I am in an episode. It has to be an actual issue. No brain teasers, nothing without consequence. It must be real, vital, and complex, and it must be someone for whom I care. But it can be done.

This year will complete my 59th and begin my 60th. I have been borderline since my early adolescence, maybe before. That is how long I have been searching for a resolution. It took until now to find it. Years of therapy, years of shadow work, years of medication. And it took me this long.

Triumph at last, and a euphoria not unlike gender euphoria. It's bittersweet, though. I think of all the hearts that wouldn't have hurt without it. All the damage done. The friendships lost. The loneliness. The guilt. The helplessness.

At least my remaining years have promise that none before did. Some people never get this far. My egg donor didn't. She never approached this. Until her last breath, she thought all her moods were justified. What I have is rare and precious. I am sorry my wife ever had to endure a moment of it, but she now knows she has my eternal gratitude for leading me here--and she has the promise that the future will be brighter, kinder, and calmer.

I'll take that. Eight days a week. Twenty-five hours a day.

#transgender #trans woman #trans #borderline personality disorder #borderline #mental health #mental illness #coping #strategies

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tropcal · 7 years

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I want to begin with four things: 1. I’m sorry to do this anonymously. I spoke to numerous people, on and offline, close and far to this situation, and all agreed that it would be best for all of us for me to be nameless. I hope you’ll understand why, and I hope you’ll bear with me to the end even so. 2. We are all lovers of words, I don’t think anyone can deny that, so we all understand their power. I have done my best to choose the right ones. 3. I wish I could be polite and say that this isn’t something that requires a reply, but it is. Of course I’ll wait for you, I understand having a life offline, and I understand that you’re not one person or entity and have separate lives, I have one too. But this is a conversation, not me sending you a message that I want ignored. I hope I can convey the gravity of how difficult it is for me to send this, and how much I wish I didn’t have to. 4. I truly, truly don’t believe you’re bad people in any capacity, seeing as I write with you and I’m happy to see DiVerona flourishing, I remember the first time I saw the teasers on my dash and it’s amazing what you’ve done and what it has become. Which is why I feel like I have to send this.

Abuse is a loaded term. It implies maliciousness and cruelty and evil, and that’s what I used to think of it as, bruises and shouted fights. It took me a long time to understand the full spectrum of abuse, and now that I have, I see how deep rooted it is in this community I love so. I’ve been writing here for longer than I want to acknowledge, I’ve been in and am in many roleplays. I know the consequences of saying that your team has behaved abusively, which is why I want this to be a private dialogue. Not only for my sake, to protect me and my reputation in this community, but for yours as well.

I will admit that I toyed with posting something in the tags, getting my friends to reblog it en masse, but that would be petty and cruel and like I’ve stated and will continue to state, I do not believe you are malicious, or cruel, or evil. I do not believe you are bad. I think you’re brilliant people who made a mistake that is actively harming me and your players and I really, really want to correct it. I hope this does not come across condescendingly. I really do, I hope this comes across in the best possible light because I do fear confrontation and I am afraid I’ll trigger one or many of you as I have been triggered. I hope I don’t. More than hope. I am trying very actively to write these words as I intend for them to be heard.

These words are intended for Admin Em in particular, though I know how scary and how wrong it can be to have a finger pointed solely at you and that is not my intent:

It was your announcement that first set my pulse racing. About your lives offline. At first, it moved me, and then I was left with something rotten tasting on my tongue. You gaslit those anons. Their messages weren’t rude, they were understandable, observations without anything mean behind them.

“Aside from admin em the rest of the team has been mia for weeks now. Do they plan on coming back or will new admins be potentially chosen?” “This isn’t criticism or something meant to stir up trouble, merely an observation that I’m hoping is wrong.”

There was truth and kind intent in their words and you opened your response began with calling them rude. As I read on, the second time, I felt sicker.

There was no way for those anons to know what your team’s lives were like without you having explicitly told them beforehand.

Gaslighting involves several tactics I see in this message: 1. An abuser gaslighting uses things that matter to you in their attacks. In your announcement, you state ‘I wish we could say our team could move on from this, but the apparent lack of faith in our team despite our consistent maintenance, events, and planning is really discouraging’, directly holding the roleplay, which matters not only to those anons but your plays as well, hostage because of those messages.

2. The abuser aligns other people against you. You published this chastising message on your main for all your followers to see. You collected positive messages and commentary and emotionally manipulated everyone with your words: ‘It’s extremely painful knowing what my fellow admins have gone through and despite that continue to create content because they love Diverona so much, only to receive messages like these. Perhaps we should create a poll and see if members would like us to be replaced.’

3. The abuser’s actions do not match their words. The messages were about your co-admins not having been on the main, and you replied with things those anons couldn’t possibly have seen.

4. The abuser tells you and/or other people you are crazy. This one I think is most obvious: you turned these two anons into war cries. You lined up shots against them and fired them off.

This is gaslighting. This is abuse. And what came next was a pattern I’ve seen over and over again, from my own abuser, from people I love’s abusers, and this is what has pushed me forward to here.

You compiled messages upon messages about how special you and your roleplay are. Which I don’t doubt are sincere or deserved but they are cruel whether or not you intend them to be. People loved and still love my abuser and they would shove that in my face, over and over again, they were beloved and popular and I am worthless. Which is what you are doing.

I do not deny how nice it is to receive acknowledging, kind messages. I do not deny wanting to keep the ones I have. But in this case, it only adds to the case I see for abuse.

You are not abusive people. You are not the abusers that make me sick and shaking. You are not cruel or evil or malicious or bad but you have done a bad thing.

There is such a problem of abuse within the roleplaying community. By writing this I don’t mean to imply that you yourselves have not suffered abuse and will not ever again suffer abuse, and I’m terribly sorry about that. Admins of roleplays (having been one myself, I understand, time limits and lives and demands) have inboxes stuffed with hate and words whispered offline about them. It’s taxing and makes you fragile. But. Having my abusive actions pointed out always made me shocked. I was abused, I can’t be like the people who abused me. We’re all capable of those things, though. That doesn’t make us like the bad ones, unless we refuse to acknowledge or correct abusive behaviour.

Which is was I beg of from you.

Please, please acknowledge what you have done. Please apologise to us, your followers, and to those anons. Not for being human, not for being tired, not for having lives and being away but for your actions that they didn’t deserve.

And please be cognisant of what you our doing.

Our community needs your brilliant minds and words and we need you to be on the forefront of the fight to keep us all mentally healthy and rid this site of abuse.

Thank you.

You can contact me on Skype or here if you request it.

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