#though there were plenty of hangouts that i knew happened seemingly often without me

[imafoolishfragilespine]

i'm just like ugh i gotta figure out where to get this x ray and when i should do it this week and i'm just worried about walking in without an appointment even though it says you can and like them not having the machine or a person to do it or whatever since i went into one place on the list already and they did not have x-rays

and then i've got this birthday thing which idk where it's going to be so idk if i should take a lyft or not and then i'll have to either exercise in the morning or choose that as my skip day

and then i'll just be worrying about my test results and not knowing if the doctor is going to call before my follow up or WHAT is going to happen and i just. cannot relax.

i just want to be done with doctors i really fucking do like just tell me what's wrong and let me be DONE like this follow up is gonna be the eighth fucking time i've seen a doctor in some form since all this weird shit started and if i don't get any answers i'm gonna be mad. i mean i'd rather not get bad news of course but i figure things are already mildly crappy in my body so like it's not like i can't get used to that i just can't stand the idea of it getting worse

#personal #like it'll be nice to see my friends but idk i'm just like too stressed #i thought it would be okay to say yes bc i hadn't gotten horrible news yet #but i just have that ugh i don't feel like being social rn especially bc i know people are gonna be asking what's going on #and i really don't like talking about it bc if i DID have answers it might just be like ah well it's not that bad #but since i don't have answers i keep thinking of how horrible it might become and everything it might take away #including my ability to say yes to plans every time they come around which already is a rarity #like how much less could i end up seeing my friends when this is the only person who ever actually asks to see me #i feel so bratty but like. why does no one else include me in anything except for their birthdays if that #this one friendship that i kind of assume is over doesn't really bother me but at least i sometimes got invited to hers with everyone else #though there were plenty of hangouts that i knew happened seemingly often without me #but yeah at least when she was in the mix i had a chance even if they weren't hangouts i particularly enjoyed #like it was better than nothing #and this year has already been so hard that feeling like i'm even more isolated than i was the couple years before #just makes it all that much more impossible #i just want to be thought of and like i know i do plenty of thinking about loved ones without reaching out #so it stands to reason it works the other way around #but the thing is i very rarely initiate plans so i know i'm not like inviting one person and never another or whatever #whereas SOMEONE has to be making the plans and i'm virtually never invited #i used to have the luxury of being invited often enough that i didn't have to go to a random hangout if i wasn't up for it #and now it's not like that and i have to say yes when i'm too mentally exhausted. who knows what the physical limitations are gonna be now