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#which just makes everything else worse lol
dootznbootz · 1 day
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Literally just found out about you today and I'm already follow in you. As fellow tele-GONE-y hater, I absolutely stan with all the hate we have for that stupid fan fiction. Circe used to be one of my favorite books, I still think the writing is good. But when you look at the original source material? Yikes- I don't get why Miller chose CIRCE out of everyone. If she wanted to write a feministic story that's fine. But why chose a female character whom you have to make better and corrupt all the other characters in the source material so that Circe is more sympathetic? Why couldn't she write a TRUE feministic story about some other character?? I personally would've loved a story about Nausikaa. Which would make more sense considering she is a character who is often forgotten in most retellings of the Odyssey.
Circe isn't a sympathetic character, she was never supposed to be one. To make her sympathetic is to make everyone around her terrible. I'm so angry when people use this book for insight on Circe character because it is so different to actual Circe.
I'm also so very salty about what she did to my boy Hermes because what.
Thank you so much!!! Sorry this took a while to answer! Thankfully most folks are not a fan of the Tele-GONE-y either :'D it's mostly the "well, actually" folks who talk about it. >:(
"If she wanted to write a feministic story that's fine. But why choose a female character whom you have to make better and corrupt all the other characters in the source material so that Circe is more sympathetic?"
This right here, is exactly how I feel with so many of these "feminist retellings". Feminism is about lifting each other up. If you have to make everybody else "worse" to make your main character better, then...that's just not good storytelling.
This goes along with the whole "all men are bad no matter what" that happens all the time and I hate it so much. Even if the system may be sexist, that does not mean that every single male agrees with it.
You put everything into words well but I like to ramble so Ima say shit too but it's basically the same thing lol
With the whole "every horrible thing Circe has done is done fo a reason. she's defending herself, she was wronged, men are so evil uwu" is just fucking lazy and SUCKS. >:( LET WOMEN BE FLAWED, COWARDS!
I actually really love Odyssey Circe as a character. She's morally gray and does whatever she wants as a goddess. Yes, she terrifies Odysseus but she's COMPLEX. Why does she need a reason to turn men into pigs? Why can't she just do it "for funsies"?
I think it takes away from her as a goddess to always have a reason for her to do the things she does, you know? Immortals are fickle and don't have the same morals as mortals. I think Miller changed so much as "to have a morally gray protagonist?? No, that's wrong!" which BORING!!!!!!!
I fucking love Penelope. But I still have her a lil mean and even a bit snooty sometimes as her and Odysseus are like-minded. Hubris would be her downfall as well. She is petty and holds grudges like no other. because she's a PERSON. Not "bland empowerment in a can for everyone to consume". Ofc, she has her wonderful qualities like her intelligence, devotion, determination, and yes, she does have her kind moments (she goes 0 to 100% real quick. She takes the "Do no harm, Take no shit" phrase to the extremes. lol)
But honestly? I think there's a real problem in writing in many YA books and especially in fandom where people treat female characters as goddesses (which yes, understandable) but then they can't...make her human you know? Almost like they cannot see any of the woman's flaws or even WANT her to have flaws because "woman doing a bad thing that isn't done 'cutely' ("endearingly clumsy", "quirky chatterbox", etc. traits that are usually not the greatest are "cute" now simply because she's a woman. Maybe a love interest sees her that way but those traits would probably be considered annoying to many others.) regardless is antifeminist"
And even then, so many things that I want to write about are what many would consider feminist when...She's just existing. And I'm getting silly with it. Penelope is athletic and a naiad (75% but you know. with her parentage) but I don't write her that way TO make it feminist. I'm not doing it for that. I just like tiny but mighty wife ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't plan to write other women as "lesser" for not being athletic for example. Anticlea doesn't understand why Penelope likes doing that stuff but she's still supportive and they enjoy weaving together. I am NEVER putting down another female character for not being "girlboss" enough.
I really hate that this book has made people constantly bring up the Tele-GONE-y AND Shittalking all of them. I don't like looking at retellings and seeing "a new feminist take". Usually goes against the entire story to begin with. Often portraying good male characters in the original as "bad and horrible".
Also no hate to those that enjoy Circe the Book, but to me, it sounds like trauma porn. adding rapes that were never there, making the victim of the situation the PERPATRATOR because, clearly, a man cannot be a victim. I heard about her hating being a mom despite her literally having servants and she's a GODDESS in the Odyssey. She could literally have a nanny/nurse if she wanted.
Fun fact: I was watching a video essay about villainesses and how to write them well and as soon as it started to talk about historical villainesses and how Circe was a "femme fatale", I exited the video. She's an "antagonist", she lets them stay there but she's still...Not GOOD. To be a femme fatale means to usually seduce. She does not seduce Odysseus. He was literally commanded to by Hermes and her.
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milktearosethorn · 1 month
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untreated adhd got hands this week 🥲
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A very interesting cloud formation!
#I don't think I had ever really seen clouds like this before? it looks like a cool painting or something :0#Pulling just a few images from my cloud and sky photos folder which has like 650 pictures in it becvause I'm obsessed with the sky lol#I will usually spare everyone the cloudposting but... in some exceptions when it's really cool I must Share#(upcoming covid mention in tags for those avoiding the topic)#I WANT TO BE ON AN AIRPLANE SO SO BAD I am going to start casting evil spells to explode all these 'back to normal' bastards who are out#spreading virus and shit HHHHHH... Covid is NOT over actually contrary to popular beielf especially for people with health conditions#that make them more vulnerable or would have worse consequences if they were to catch it etc. etc. wearing a mask in public is#in MOSt cases not THAt much of a horrific terrible evil inconvenience and it helps keep everyone around you safer including these#vulnerable populations!!!! Even if I didn't have any problems myself I would STILL be masking because it's a small gesture that can make a#big difference in people around me being comfortable. It's not like people with health issues just never have to go out or go to the stor#or whatever. There are still people out there who could be helped by extra precautions that are being overlooked. grrrrr...#Like at this point since I'm vaccinated and everything I would MAYBE consider flying on an airplane IF everyone else around me#was masking and being just as careful as me. But at this point it's just the wild west and I would literally be the only one who gives#a shit or who gets tested freqeuntly before after and during traveling and wears the proper type of mask well fitting and not half off my f#ce and blah blah blah. And precautions work best when EVEYRONE is participating. There's only so much you can protext yourself if everyone#around you is doing nothing. So.. alas.. I still do not feel safe traveling. And probably won't for years until more progress is made in#terms of like understanding and treating certain long covid issues and etc. Since I think it's inevitable that if I start going out again#I would get covid. Me and my household bubble are some of the only people I know who haven't had it yet (or at least not knowingly so - if#so it was one of the asymptomatic cases etc.). So if I was GOING to get it anyway I'd at least like the assurance that whatever long term#issues I inevtabley suffer because of it will be more easily treatable at that point instead of entirely disabling even further than I'm#already disabled. etc. AAANYWAY!! all that to say. I JSUT REALLY WANT TO be on an airplane!!! I dont even like traveling and going places I#hate vacations and would rather be at home working on my projects I'm fixated on lol HOWEVER I love the view from airplane windows#like the very few times in my life Ive actually been on a plane and the window is so COLD when you lay your forehead on it and sometimes yo#even see little ice crystals and it's like you're just in a landscape of clouds with a sea of clouds above and below and aaaAAAAAA#Literally I want to get on a plane just to go up in the air and then land and fly back. I don't even want to go on a real trip. I just NEED#to see the sky I need to be IN the sky I need to have that VIEW and the cold and everything!!!! gRGGHGgg... And I will do that the entire#time. I think my longest plane ride was 7 hours and I do not watch movies. I dont text or play games. I literally do nothing to entertain#myself except stare straight out the window for 7 hours (with a few eating and bathroom breaks). not even joking lmao. It's like a trance#I LOVE the sky and clouds so much and the view you get from an airplane is like incomparable!! also I love airports with the big windows an#people watching. but mostly I just long for the sky view again. GRRR.. sobbing and yearning >:T
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kelocitta · 1 year
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I love your RW art month tiles. What art program do you use and how do you get those really clean textures and shapes?
I use PaintToolSai, both 1 and 2- but most of the drawing gets done in SAI1 since I couldn't get my brushes to import right for 2. Its an extremely bare bones program all things considered (Sai2 less so, it has a bit more tool-wise, but I only draw in it if i *have* too or for minor stuff) so its nothing really fancy being employed, everything geometric I do just by using a self made grid to measure out shapes like you would a piece of paper.
Literally its just a measured out grid of like... 50 by 50 px squares with cross sections? I just paste it as needed and draw the lines around it and since the measurements are consistent it just works.
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my default pen is already "crunchy" so being perfectly matched isnt a huge deal, and you can general paste and rotate to make it look a little cleaner. Honestly I've used this same grid for forever (and it was off by like one pixel at one point lol) its just really useful for quick matching things for a program that doesn't have stuff built in for lining things up As for the textures, those are all default to SAI (I think?). The brush I use lightly uses of fabri (which mostly just makes the edges of the brush grainier) and then I usually also put some various level of a layer texture overlay thats just one of SAI's default 'watercolor' textures. It mostly just adds a little bit of a noise/grain effect. Heres that on max
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For ArtMonth itself I just draw out a tile canvas using the grid with all the layers broken up- then I just reuse it over and over as needed. There's probably smarter ways to do it, but eh it works
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And yeah, theres just two borders. One for the bottom and one for the top, makes it easy to make something that goes 'in and out' of the tiles without having to think to much. Just snip as needed
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unproduciblesmackdown · 3 months
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truly something that, amidst facing / going through a dramatic Life Change ft. unavoidable emotional effects of that, there are instances where i can't conceal any & all degrees of being distressed / upset, & repeatedly getting "it's hard for me too" as a Direct Response to that: really something & a half how the asserted theoretical Sympathy of [i feel similarly!] is invoked so as to, oh you know, preclude sympathetic Treatment. such as that what would be More sympathetic in these instances would be to say Nothing, "if there's nothing but dismissal / making it first & foremost about someone else's feelings to say, don't say it at all" style
#reading also that original Lovelessness essay ''love is meant to make me human / love is also the mechanism by which my humanity#has been denied'' always preferring to have [sorry! couldn't fully bottle up this Emotiona externally manifesting at all!] Ignored rather#than ''nicely'' interacted with so as to Invalidate; Dismiss; someone's annoyed at you for having it; etc#for bonus context like we are not in the same boat with it.#not a case of ''the same situation; mine is worse though'' like no; fundamentally different situations here lmao. mine is worse#If You Feel So Bad. Or At All. then at least now do me the favor of Not Saying That; Repeatedly#their feelings put on me too in other ways. stewing resentment into lashing out; tossing out ''but i'm justified'' like ok! Your business!!#the ol like. If You're Going To Do Something Anyways then how you justify it to yourself is Your business / b/w you & your god as they say#& the last thing to do is be making it the problem of ppl Most Affected by what you're gonna do anyways & Also ask their Absolution.....#like if you need more moral support abt What You're Doing Anyways: turn to Anyone Else. even No One if you have to.#bit going tf through it when it's spilling over into Posting but such is life!! we all have that [the horrors. girl help] blogger on dash#again the tl;dr like oh you don't say. the [umm but have you considered? My Feelings! (they're so sympathetic at all. yor welcome)] is#the mechanism through which Really basic sympathy is being denied & replaced with [Saying Nothing would've been less hurtful]#misgendering me the other night too while Also all 'hey I'm trying to talk to the customer service. why are You going up & talking first'#(that was me experiencing the latter. i didn't say it but i was like cmon. my glasses are fogging up w/surgical mask (don't have access to#more effective masks so doing what Nonzero i can there) i'm a bit carsick i'm weathering a crisis. can i have anything here lol)#just Oh You Know. The Horrors....#balancing ofc trying to endure trying to self soothe etc etc. with ''it's the horrors. it's gonna be horrific & you're gonna be affected''#ah the [being kind to oneself] like also means knowing how reasonable it is to Not solo contain & endure & Cope Through everything....#crushing a paper cup in my hands genuinely i would like to generously thank my virtual allies out here today. mic feedback#irl In Real Life? life is Real asf here & nobody Realer than them
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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months
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...
#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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britneyshakespeare · 5 months
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I love drawing in charcoal because when you're in the beginning of a work, instead of looking like something reasonable it's perfectly acceptable and natural for them to look like this
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#does that look like anybody you know#tales from diana#(c'est moi)#i was trying to redraw brian protheroe (the same pic of him as edward iv i sketched roughly--and p badly--last month)#in charcoal. bc my mom got me charcoal PENCILS for christmas instead of sticks of vine#which were what i really needed. i dont like to use pencils hardly at all#it was an utter failure. i started off by just trying to do the basic contours of his face + neck + the crown#and then after about 20-30 minutes when i had an ok start i was like ill take a break to refresh my head#went away from it for like an hour. and was like why dont i just try it w the vine#i thought i would improve it. and i suppose i could've if i had REALLY tried#but i was exaggerating the proportions and making the worse while trying to fix them. everything got larger#and i was essentially erasing EVERYTHING i started with while i was trying to even them out#so i just gave up. lol#a girl has learned to quit while she's ahead. and she learned the hard way.#but i wasn't happy to just leave off that drawing a failure wo any plans to do something else#so i went looking through my photos on my phone and found a pic from nov. 2022 that i was going to use#as a reference pic for a figure drawing assignment that i was going to use. but my professor allowed me to draw#my grandmother instead of myself. so i never did that dramatic self-portrait assignment. i did a dramatic grandmother portrait#but i did like the dramatic-lighting picture i took of myself well enough and figured i would draw it someday#im just leaving this as a started picture for now. this wasnt much work at all maybe like 15 minutes#it's an ok start.#bc of the fucked up nature of forming a charcoal drawing i have to admit i usually like my progress pictures more than my final works. lol#like they just have a sort of monstruous edge to them. lol
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mxliv-oftheendless · 2 years
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\m/
#i keep feeling this crippling anxiety that I am not going to pass this semester#i think it’s because I now have a job off campus that’s eating up time that in the past I’ve been able to use to do more work#because yeah I’ve always gotten worried about failing before… but now#now it feels even worse#i have three big papers to write#one of which is what me graduating with honors hinges on#several smaller assignments that I keep struggling to keep track of#club President things to do#and history club is a whole other thing because I keep worrying that I’m a terrible club president#yeah I��m not doing ok lol…#the worst thing though is that everyone I talk to keeps telling me I’ll be fine#because I’ve always worried about passing semesters and always did pass#so people say that because I’m smart and I’ve passed before that I’ll be okay#and at this point I wanna fucking scream because NO NO I DO NOT FEEL LIKE I’M DOING FINE#that only makes it worse because now on top of everything else I’m scared I won’t live up to everyone’s expectations#there have been moments this semester where I’ve seriously felt like I’m going insane#i fucking hate this#i hate being scared I hate being anxious#i just want everything to be over#because the end of the semester is in a month and a few weeks and the pressure keeps feeling increasingly worse#i had a meltdown during work last week like an actual ugly crying meltdown#fuck this fuck it all to hell#i wanna be done#ignore this please I don’t want advice and I don’t want to be told I’ll be okay I just need to vent#random thoughts are random
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queencvbra · 2 years
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forever mad that they dropped the Tory and Amanda dynamic for s5 out of nowhere
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lesbiantics · 2 years
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i wish i could be NORMAL about people i care about & not constantly do shit that’d completely reasonably drive them FAR away
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the-trans-dragon · 2 years
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#sorenhoots#soren rambles lol#I am really pretty tired of my current existence! not in a sad way—almost in an exciting way? like. I am at least learning I’m not happy#here!!! which is better than not knowing I guess#my job is really pointless and meaningless but at least I don’t feel tied to it. yknow except because money#I don’t fit here :( new hires make friends in a week that I haven’t made in 11 months#it feels like everything I do is wrong#and yknow maybe that’s just part of being an autistic person in a work environment#but like. dang if my jobs gonna be miserable and if my landlord is being so cruel??? I’d never let anyone else talk to me that way#and every day i have little bits of happiness from hanging out with my polycule and that’s honestly it#so like :/ why am I living in this city if there isn’t a scrap of joy?#I don’t know how to move :/ I don’t know how to leave family behind or rent a uhaul or take such a big chance with such a high risk of#failure: not finding a job; not having family to fall back on; not knowing anyone; not being able to see my mom; not being able to find a#good apartment…. it scares me so much#to think about all the things I could do to change my life because they’re all so HARD#but I… I… I don’t want the life I have right now if I could trade it for a better one#I just want to grow old and die knowing I did my best to be happy and make my loved ones happy and not make the world any worse#but every single day is a million decisions about how to do that#and I’m quite afraid of everything#I’m as aftaid of actions as I am nonactions#I’m afraid of moving but I’m afraid of staying stuck#the world is such a deadly place and I am scared if I leave my little safety zone I’ll never find another#but god is it suffocating in here#😥
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jankillbride · 3 months
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I’m rereading mob psycho cause I need some motivation in my life and the parallels between dimple and Reigen are just like ough to go through again.
#it’s kinda insane#ok not super insane but it just hits you in the face#Reigen talking about how LOL wasn’t helping anyone just making people dependent on dimple so mob did a good job#dimple talking about how he wants to understand mob better than anyone else because then mob will depend on him#and dimple gets access to that power#it’s 1. a glimpse into if Reigen had been worse and 2. shows why the story needs to happen#Reigen is dependent on mob for business sure but ultimately he can pick himself a life apart from mob#separation arc showed that because he was the one who chose to apologize and chose to do community service and he decided himself to just#step the fuck up#if Reigen were cut off from early in the manga he’d probably be the same too.#but like. dimples thing about dependence is not wrong#mob is very much dependent on Reigen for making sense of these emotions. which to a degree makes absolute sense#outside of his powers being a thing he’s a kid. kids are figuring everything out for the first time#but it doesn’t change the fact that mob was dependent on Reigen for this kind of. emotional need? is that the word?#Reigen is someone he trusts to know things and so it’s imperative that trust isn’t really broken#because then mobs foundation will shatter#it’s also a hint of a possible future when Reigen describes group psychology stuff in regards to LOL#they’re all smiling and laughing in the cult but outside the meetings they get more and more anxious and that’s why they return#that’s why they probably search for a god other than lord dimple when they’ve been ‘freed’#freed in the sense that the effect of cult psychology is still there but dimple is gone#in another world if Reigen failed mob would have found another mentor#also who’s to know what would’ve happened if the dependence did not occur and mob didn’t block his powers.#anyways that’s why I’m very much for the ending of mob getting his own life even tho Reigen isn’t super prominent in it anymore
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yeahxsurexokay13 · 25 days
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bragger - lando norris
summary: fans constantly tease yn for always bringing lando up and being a bit of a simp for her boyfriend - which only gets worse after his first f1 win - so she writes a song about how if they were her they'd do the same.
warnings: none i think??? but let me know if i missed any. the song mentioned is 'bragger' by kelsea ballerini!! (((:
IN HONOUR OF LANDO'S VERY FIRST WIN !! 🥇
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y/n.updates
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Liked by fan22 and 1.340 others
y/n.updates Y/n's interview with WIRED where she answers the web's most searched questions about her is now out! Go give it a watch 😄
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fan1 she looked painfully beautiful in this
fan2 how was lando in the answer for questions like 'does y/n speak spanish?' or 'is y/n a good singer?' lol
fan7 she said she didn't remember much from high school but knew some words lando had been taught by carlos sainz and that her boyfriend tells her she is... it kind of isn't that weird if u think about it haha
user1 The more I see of her, the more I like her
fan7 i spy with my little eye 1.6K people with no taste
fan3 interview was everything I hoped for and more! she's hilarious and relatable as always
fan4 new drinking game: take a shot every time she mentions lando
fan5 I've watched it like 5 times already lol
fan6 we need a tally for how many times Y/n drops 'Lando' in her interviews. can someone make that happen?
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y/n.y/l
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Liked by carlossainz55 and 1.890.321 others
y/n.y/l the vibe i bring to the function (ugly crying on facetime) !!! so incredibly happy for you @/landonorris. you did it 🧡🧡🧡
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y/n.y/l also congrats @/oscarpiastri and everyone else at mclaren for an amazing race ((((:
oscarpiastri thank you Y/n! 🧡 ❤️ by author
landofan4 ok this is very cute and nice of her🥺🥺
fan1 ARE YOU STILL CRYING ? BECAUSE I AM DEFINITELY STILL CRYING
y/n.y/l started crying on lap 54 and haven't stopped since
fan2 new post from my fave lando norris fan account yay (also go lando!!!!!!)
user1 Well deserved 👏🏼👏🏼
landofan3 soy lago
y/n.y/l same
lnfour LFGGGG ❤️ by author
fan3 How many times do you think Y/n's going to mention Lando's win in the next week? Taking bets now
maxfewtrell It's the messy hair and smudged mascara for me
y/n.y/l knew i should've gone for the 'perfectly composed while crying' look instead 😔
landofan1 rip lando nowins: 2019-2024 ❤️ by author
landofan2 "you were scared? i wasn't. i was ok (laughs). thank you. i love you" lando 🥹🥹🥹
fan5 when did he say that? omg
landofan2 f1 posted a reel on their profile and you can hear him talking to her!
mclaren LANDO NORRIS IS A FORMULA 1 RACE WINNER 🏆
y/n.y/l I AM SO NOT CALM ABOUT THIS ??!!?
user2 i could've sworn i saw her at the race? why are they facetiming?
fan4 they could barely speak after the win tbh! this is probably a call in between interviews
user2 today's bottle smash hit different ❤️ by author
landonorris I've said this like a million times already today but I love you so much
y/n.y/l i love you i love you i love you i love you
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y/n.y/l
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Liked by pietra.pilao and 1.809.896 others
y/n.y/l if he was yours, you'd do the same without apologising... new single 'bragger' out now!!!! 💋💋
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fan6 WHAT HAPPENED TO HWLLO ?? HOW ARE YIU ??
y/n.y/l 🫢🫢
fan1 "he's just too damn good not to mention" .....................i mean she is right we'll give that to her ❤️ by author
landofan1 USING THESE SPECIFIC PICS OF LANDO TO ANNOUNCE THE RELEASE OF A SINGLE ABOUT BRAGGING ABOUT HIM IS WILD !!!!
landofan5 that last video is doing things to me.........
landonorris i'm confused does anyone know who this is about?
y/n.y/l no idea 🤷🏽‍♀️ but let me know if you find out xx
landofan4 apparently about some guy named bob?? I'm not sure
fan8 HAHAHA I LOVE THEM
fan2 she really wanted to make sure she'd made her point clear with this dump omfg
fan3 her point: she has a hot bf and we don't
user1 Well played, Y/N. Well played. 🥸
fracisca.cgomes On repeat ❤️❤️
y/n.y/l lindaaaaaaa ❤️
landofan2 knowing all she's saying is about lando makes the song x1000 times better
fan7 so she saw the tweets... 😐
y/n.y/l i saw everything 👀 they were actually hard to miss hahaha
user2 "i understand why you would want him (i don't mind)" queen behaviour !!!!!! 👑👑
fan4 So this is how she gets back at us for all the teasing lol not complaining at all
landofan3 I can't believe this new song is actually inspired by the fans' teasing about Lando!!🤣
fan5 we joked, she delivered!!! bragger is actually a banger👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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roosterr · 10 months
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white flag ✹ ch 4
note: i had to rewrite this chapter TWICE. im sick of it so pls enjoy. also forgot to mention on here that I have been away this week on a little holiday. didn't stop me writing tho lol.
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pairing: ghost x gn!reader
wc: 2.3k
no use of y/n
readers callsign is 'stingray'
summary: while you're gone on a mission, ghost has time to ponder your relationship, and comes to a long awaited realisation
warnings: ghost's pov, mentions of blood and injury, lil bit of angst
ao3
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ghost never knew how to feel about you.
at first, he really did hate you; you were the bright-eyed new recruit with seemingly endless optimism, he simply couldn't help but be annoyed by you. honestly, he half expected you to tap out a week into the job. you were just so… normal, he found it hard to believe you were cut out for this line of work.
of course, he trusted price's decision to hire you, and deep down ghost knew he wouldn't have recruited you if he didn't think you could handle it, but he looked down on you anyway. it didn't matter how good price thought you were, you'd have to earn ghost's respect.
it was infuriating, the way you fit so easily into the dynamic of the team. they all liked you right off the bat, even the captain, who was notoriously hard to impress. he observed you from afar, watching how you easily broke down their walls and fell into place next to them like it was nothing.
if he was honest with himself, he might have even called it jealousy. it seemed that everything was so natural to you; everything that he struggled with, you did with such ease you made it look like child's play. he especially hated the way you could just be a person. you didn't lock up every time someone spoke to you, you didn't need to sit with a visual on every available exit, and you didn't need to analyse every person you met in the fear that the second you turn your back they'll stab you in it.
you pissed him off, but what was worse than anything else about you, is that ghost had to fight with himself not to like you too.
it was the first time he got sent on an assignment with you that he began to understand why everyone seemed to get along with you so well. the ruthless efficiency with which you did your job was almost shocking to see. he couldn't have predicted how well the two of you worked together; like a well oiled machine, by the end of the mission he didn't even need to communicate verbally, you could just tell what his next move would be.
he finally understood why price fought so hard to get you on the one-four-one – and he finally found it in himself to respect you.
but that didn't change the way he felt about you beyond the field. you were soft, too kind, and too optimistic, you weren't hardened by the job like him. so he went out of his way to be tougher on you than he was with the others, and he rationalised it by telling himself he was helping you; that without a little toughening up, this world would break you, and for some reason, he couldn't stand the thought of that.
when you started to resent him back, it made his stomach feel heavy in a way he'd never felt before. it was new, and uncomfortable, and it scared him. he wasn't sure when he first noticed it, but it only got worse when he came to the realisation that you didn't care for him like you did for gaz and soap.
you could joke around so easily with them, but you go quiet when he enters the room. you never meet his eyes, and make sure to never be physical with him. when he addresses you over comms, you answer with a quick 'yes sir' and that's the end of it. ghost would never admit it, but the distance between you hurt – even if it was by design. 
as he lay awake that night, he thought about what it would be like if you treated him the same way you treated the others. he couldn't stop the tiny smile that pulled at his lips as he imagined laughing with you, sitting next to you, touching you.
he imagined you, taking his calloused hand into your own, so gentle and kind like you always were, and the way his pulse skyrocketed scared him into staying up the rest of the night.
after that, the way he saw you changed. where he used to think you were soft – and therefore weak – instead he saw the way you chose to be kind. when once your constant jokes with the others was an inability to take things seriously, now it was your specialty way to keep up morale, and ghost actually found himself chuckling at a few of your quips.
it was like his entire perspective had shifted, everything about you that used to annoy him gradually became something he appreciated about you.
it took him a while, but he finally came to the conclusion that he… liked you. 
but it was bittersweet, because he already knew you didn't want him, and he doubted you ever would. you'd never see him in the same light, he'd ruined his chances before he even knew he wanted one.
maybe it was for the best, though. you deserved better, someone who would treat you right, someone normal. he already knew you didn't want him, and he could never blame you for that. people like you don't fall in love with people like him, that's just the way it is.
so he resigns himself to burying the feelings he harbours for you. you never had to find out, if you did you'd surely be disgusted by someone like him being interested in you. he couldn't handle rejection like that, not from you.
when price told him he'd have to take you in when your house burned down, he was fucking terrified. it shook him to his core, how much he liked the idea of the two of you living under the same roof. he did his best to avoid you, leave you in peace like he assumed you wanted; but you – wonderful, kind you – wouldn't just leave him to his misery.
you were being nice to him, and he couldn't figure out why. he assumed it was because he was doing you a favour by letting you stay with him; he couldn't even trick himself into believing that you might be doing it because you liked him.
every night, he'd go back to that fantasy of existing with you, by your side instead of at arm's length. you were so close, just a single door separating you, his hands started sweating every time he passed by the living room.
he knew he was a goner the morning you woke up before him. he'd scarcely ever seen you in a casual setting, but walking into the kitchen and being greeted by you sitting at the table, the domesticity of it all hit him like a bullet to the chest.
it was exactly what he wanted, and it scared the shit out of him, so he panicked. he needed to stay away from you, for your own good, so he did what the ghost does best.
he ran away.
he didn't even consider what you'd think, he just had to get away, before he said something he'd end up regretting.
when you came through the door, soaking wet, and laid into him – which he knew he deserved – he immediately regretted leaving you behind. seeing you cry, knowing it was because of him, it made him feel sick. he knew he never wanted you to feel that heartache again, especially if it was because of him.
he'd give anything to start again with you, go back to the beginning and do it all right this time, but the only thing he could do was try and make up for what he'd put you through.
the hot chocolate was a peace offering; he knew you loved it – he even knew about the stash you had of it hidden in price's office, away from the other soldiers. he half expected you to just tell him to piss off, but when you accepted it, he felt his heart soar.
it ignited a spark of hope within him. more than anything, he just wanted you to like him, it didn't matter if you never saw him the way he wanted you to.
he intended on waking you up the next evening, before he left for the pub, but when he saw how peaceful you looked while you slept, he couldn't bring himself to disturb you. 
you stayed with gaz and soap most of the night, and he spent the night watching you from the bar and dimly lit corners, assuring himself that you were okay. when it came time to drag you home with him, he had never been so nervous. taking care of people was the exact opposite of his strong suit, especially when they started crying at him.
he almost couldn't believe his ears when you said you liked him.
he'd dragged you home with an arm wrapped around your waist, his head feeling light as a feather. by all accounts, he should've been annoyed at having to look after you in your inebriated state, but he found himself smiling under his mask the whole way home – even when you almost threw up on him.
when you rested your head on his shoulder on the bathroom floor, he might've actually short-circuited. all thoughts except for you evacuated his mind, and a wonderfully warm feeling blossomed in his chest that made his stomach flutter like never before.
he came so close to spilling his guts to you, but then he remembered that you were drunk, and you most likely wouldn't remember it if he did. so he resigned himself to tucking you into bed with an uncharacteristically gentle touch.
the next day, sitting on that park bench with you, laughing with you like he'd wanted to for so long – it was everything to him. it sent his pulse through the roof, it was complicated, and it was so pleasantly warm.
the logical part of him knew that this would only end painfully for him, but found himself willing to risk that if it meant more of these moments with you.
but of course, he'd fucked it all up at the first opportunity. he'd screamed in your face and he had yet to even apologise for it – for any of it. he felt immeasurably guilty, but he was so scared he couldn't even force himself to be around you.
even price had yelled at him for how he'd treated you. you were traumatised, you had a very real phobia as a result of the house fire, and he felt like a fucking fool for not noticing. he swore to himself he'd make it up to you, he'd grovel at your feet for the rest of his life if he had to, and if you never forgave him he still wouldn't blame you.
he regretted it – of course he did. he let his fear consume him; the fear of you getting hurt, of losing you, and not being able to do anything to save you.
almost as soon as the words had passed his lips, he realised what he was doing, he heard himself. the anger in his voice, the fearful look in your eyes as they glistened with tears, it was everything he didn't want to be.
he felt just like his–
no. he refused to even entertain that thought. he'd never be… that. you deserved so, so much better than the broken husk of man that he was. no matter what he did, he would never deserve you; and it was selfish, but he still hoped that you could somehow forgive him.
it's only been a few days since you left on that assignment for laswell, but he's found that being alone in his house didn't bring him the same comfort it used to. the silence never bothered him before, in fact he greatly preferred it, but now it just felt empty. like there was something missing, leaving a hole in the space it used to occupy.
deep down, the rational part of simon knows that it's you, of course it is, but you wanted nothing to do with him right now. he knew he had to fix things, he would never get over the hollow feeling in his chest if he didn't. that's why he was currently standing at the edge of the runway in the middle of the night, watching the ramp of the helo lower to reveal you, gaz, and the captain.
you looked shattered, like you hadn't slept for days – which was probably true – and he was suddenly overcome with the urge to gather you into his arms and not let go. he wondered if the remnants of dried blood that were visible on your hands and face were yours.
he felt his heart rate pick up as you made your way closer to him, his icy stare softening when he sees how you drag your feet across the tarmac.
when you were close enough, he reached his hand out to grasp your arm, opening his mouth to speak, but he never makes contact.
you sidestep him, and he feels his heart break in his chest. any words he was planning on saying die on his tongue as he turns to watch you slip through the doors without a hint of acknowledgement to him.
price gives him a rough pat on the shoulder as he and gaz pass by. "fix it, simon." he murmurs, before disappearing through the doors as well, leaving him alone outside the building.
he will fix it – he'd do whatever it takes because simon doesn't just need you, he's come to the alarming conclusion that he loves you – he just has no idea how.
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taglist p1: @sofasoap , @siilvan , @mockerycrow , @i-love-ghost , @projectdreamwalker , @achelois-is-here , @adamsloverboy , @thatchickwiththecamera , @chickensandwich69 , @batmanunicorns523 , @tiny-kasper , @dezibou , @pampeop , @cumbermovels , @goth-boi-atlas , @berryjuicyy , @guiltgoreglory , @postmodernrevolutionist , @untoldshortsofthefandoms , @delilah-grimes , @sunflowerqueen1416 , @luvssemma , @ghostslittlegf , @imonmykneessir , @kenz-ee , @eistro-phobia , @rzmarona , @alanalanalanalanalanna ,
@cathnoneofyourbusiness , @madsothree , @geisterfvhrer , @lazyninjaphilosopher , @aliilium , @koi-feish , @chaoticgoblindev , @clear-your-mind-and-dream , @thrivig-n-jiving , @lesterous , @glitterypirateduck , @slu77ym4nw415ts , @livelaugh-light , @trulylavendedarling , @stateofcatatonia , @rivalriotrenegade , @yoichiislovie , @nirvanaaaonly , @ameliaamareeee , @batmanunicorns523 , @sapientiia , @thesecretwriter , @susanmukami , @ryze1113 , @stars-andfreckles , @spya1 , @tunaa-luvchrm , @tzutology , @kuruksenshi
if your name is crossed out, i can't tag you for whatever reason, sorry! ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ
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ngayawneluoer · 1 year
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you are everything
ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ neteyam x reader
requested! - when you tell neteyam you want him as your mate, his insecurities impede him since he thinks you can do better than him word count: 2,223
a/n: NETEYAM IS SO BABY GIRL ARGHFDHUEHFU it was very fun to write my favourite tropes: idiots in love and mutual pining. disclaimer: nete is aged up as is the reader. I think it's pretty obvious from the events described (+ I usually write my fics w them aged up in mind), but thought I should make it very clear considering how this fic ends LOL
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You had been close with Neteyam for as long as you could remember. If your thoughts sauntered to your very first memory, Neteyam was there, a constant pillar in your life that you could depend on for anything. Neither of you remembered how you met, and if they were being honest, neither did your parents. But you were attached at the hip, and no argument or disagreement had ever been able to change that. He was your best friend; there was never a thing that you felt you couldn't share with each other. Except, of course, the seedling of infatuation you held for him, which remained unspoken for a long time.
But as you grew, the seedling bloomed until you knew nothing but your love for him. And when you were 15, under the night sky in an endless field of sun lilies, you shared your first kiss with him. You remembered how the luminous freckles lining his cheeks shone like the stars; you took such pleasure in being so close to him that you could count each one. Your breaths mingled, your fingers intertwined, your hearts soaring as you spoke of nothing and everything for hours. You couldn't recall another time when you had seen him smile so much; his eyes twinkled in the dim light of the flora around you, the beauty of his features breathtakingly accentuated. The two of you had spent the night in each other's arms, finding solace in the feelings you held for each other as you lay amongst the phosphorescent flowers.
Even so, come morning, the intimate night you shared was forgotten. You couldn't pinpoint why, but neither of you seemed to want to bring it up. It hurt you a lot; you could tell it hurt him too, but you both buried yourselves in responsibilities, renouncing your feelings and leaving them undeclared. He was still your best friend, now just with baggage that neither of you wanted to unpack.
When he underwent his rite of passage and was accepted into the clan as an adult, you were sure that your secret bond would dissipate. You had watched him from the crowd, your mind caught in a battle between pride and grief. He was now an adult, allowed to choose the one who would be his mate for the rest of his life, someone who may not be you.
He carried his warrior's bow, made from the wood of hometree, a symbol of his adulthood and his place in the clan. And yet, to this day, he lacked a mate by his side. Of course, you knew that it could take years for Na'vi to choose their mate, but he was Neteyam. In your eyes, he was better than anyone, and if anyone was to have more than enough options for fine mates, it would be him.
You would never bring it up to him, though; why would you want to unintentionally encourage him to seek someone that wasn't you? Or even worse, find out that he already had eyes for someone else. You recalled a human phrase Jake had used once, 'ignorance is bliss'; you felt as if you finally understood it.
So your relationship with Neteyam remained the same, up until where you were currently, after having undergone your own ceremony to become a part of the people. It had gone by in a blur, and before you knew it, you were fleeing from the village with Neteyam, your hands not once parting as you leapt through the Pandoran forest.
"Where are you taking me, skxawng?" Neteyam had asked, a smile on his face as you dragged him further and further away from the crowds of Na'vi dispersing after your ceremony.
"It's a surprise," You grinned, turning to look at him only momentarily to shoot him a devious look.
You had one goal in mind tonight; to revisit the valley of sun lilies you and Neteyam had stumbled upon all those years ago. You only hoped that the hunch you had was correct and that the aforementioned man only lacked a mate because he was waiting on a certain someone - a certain someone who had just completed their ceremony minutes prior.
Your feet followed the path to the sun lily valley like the back of your hand, despite it being only your second time upon the route. You had been so eager to return to the place you held so dearly in your heart, and today was a perfect time. Neteyam was awed at the sight as you arrived at the edge of the sea of flowers, their bioluminescent spots reflecting the night sky's visage like a mirror.
He beamed joyfully, stepping into the knee-high blossoms, urging you to follow him, "I can't believe you brought us here. It hasn't changed a bit."
"I know…" you whispered, hands gliding past the flowers you walked by, their crowned heads glowing as they dipped under your fingers.
"Your ceremony was a sight to behold," Neteyam stated after a beat of silence.
"The dream hunt was the scariest. I'm surprised I didn't freak out when the kali'weya stung me," You said, shuddering as you recalled the venomous bite of the arachnoid.
"I'm surprised you didn't get killed by taming an ikran," He teased, a smug look on his face.
"Mean!" You blurted and shoved him lightly, though your smile distracted from any malice.
Neteyam stumbled exaggeratedly, turning to you dramatically before falling backwards into the canopy of flowers. He groaned when he landed, the flowers not cushioning his fall as much as he had hoped.
You giggled and walked over to him, sitting down much more gently than he had done. He looked up at you from where he lay, arms tucked under his head. At that moment, you were convinced he was an angel. Unbeknownst to you, he thought the same as he watched your figure above him, the moonlight forming a halo around you.
You sat together, the flora framing you like a surreal painting, and you finally began to speak the words that weighed heavy on your heart since the last time you had been here.
"Neteyam, as you know, I am now able to choose a mate," You said, looking away to fiddle with the petals of the flower resting on your shoulder, "I wanted to let you know that I have chosen someone."
"Oh… Already?" Neteyam stammered, sitting up at the unexpected announcement. He looked at you with furrowed brows, lips pursed in a sulk, but your gaze remained on the flower, afraid to meet his. Of course you had chosen someone. He was stupid to think you had taken him here to tell him you loved him.
You hummed sweetly with a gentle smile he couldn't see, "I have known for a while. I was only waiting for my ceremony so that I could make it official."
He sighed, watching you. It was like Eywa herself had sculpted you with how beautiful you looked tonight; it only served as a reminder of what he thought he was about to lose. Self-doubt planted itself into his heart, a hefty root of insecurity that told him you would never love him back, "This person you chose… they must be very lucky."
"He is."
He was silent for a moment, conflicted. On the one hand, he wanted to shut you down, never find out your decision, in fear that you had not chosen him. On the other hand, he was your best friend; you were confiding in him, and he wanted to support you. With a heavy heart, he settled on the latter. "So, who is it?"
"Well, he is smart, funny, loyal… has the kindest heart I've seen." His heart panged with jealousy and hurt, but you turned to him with a love-sick smile that caught him off guard, "He's strong, and he is an amazing friend, a caring brother," You said, your eyes meeting his with a tenderness that crumbled his heart. He had to be dreaming. He met your gaze, a deep blush painting his cheeks, "He is also very oblivious to the person confessing their love to him right now."
Neteyam gradually started to grin, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards as a dry laugh left his throat. He shook his head but couldn't battle the smile on his face.
"You cannot be serious," He muttered in disbelief. You had to be playing a cruel joke on him.
"It is how I feel, Neteyam." You attested, head tilting in an attempt to meet his eyes again. You had to admit his reaction wasn't anything you had expected it to be; you were having a hard time deciphering his behaviour, "If you do not feel the same, it is okay-"
"No, no!" Neteyam suddenly exclaimed, head shooting up only to find your face closer than expected. His breath caught in his throat at your proximity - you looked even more beautiful up close - but he willed himself to continue, "I mean, no, I don't not feel the same. I just…" He exhaled, eyes flicking upwards to the sky as if praying that Eywa would help him find the words he wanted to say. You noticed a rare, vulnerable gloom in his eyes, "I never thought…" he paused, struggling for words, "You can do better than me. "
You frowned. He had uttered the most unexpected thing he could have possibly said, "What?"
"You have better options… Marek has always been a great hunter. He has always given you looks," He babbled, eyes avoiding yours nervously, "And Arvok-"
"Neteyam."
He peeked at you finally, going quiet at the stern look on your face. He almost felt like he was being scolded by his mother; he would have laughed had it not been for the vulnerable situation.
"I think you are the only person I've ever heard try to convince a potential mate into not loving them," You scoffed, lips dancing into a grin as you grasped your hands in yours.
His cheeks flushed a deep violet, flustered. Mate. How long he had wished to hear that word fall from your lips as you spoke about him.
You smiled encouragingly, one hand cupping his cheek, "You are the one I want, you silly man."
Neteyam had no doubt now; he must have died and gone to heaven - or at least the Na'vi version of it. Only in his wildest dreams had he imagined that you would ever say those words. He laughed gleefully, grasping the hand you had on his face in his, leaning into your warm touch, "I have always wanted you. I wish I had known you felt the same."
You pushed him onto his back and climbed to sit on his lap, leaning down to meet his face with a goading grin, "What could have ever made you think I didn't want you?"
Neteyam looked up at you with such profound adoration that it made your knees weak, "You're just.. you. You're bright and strong and… perfect. Anyone would be lucky to have you," He went slightly quiet as if ashamed to speak the following words, "And after that night… you never said anything."
Of course, you knew what he was talking about; he didn't need to specify. It was the only thing on your mind for forever, and apparently, his too. You exhaled, amused at how stupid both of you had been, "You never said anything either!" You leaned down, placing a kiss on his neck. He tensed, grip tightening on your hips, but you continued, "We are very bad at communicating."
With sudden yearning, he flipped you over, your back hitting the soft grass as he held himself above you, "I'll make sure it never happens again," He muttered, face nuzzling into your neck, pressing fluttering kisses to your jaw.
You giggled, slightly ticklish from his touch. Your hands rose to play with the beads decorating his hair, fingers gently trailing down his scalp to the base of his head. Your hand followed the braid encasing his kuru, and you tugged it slightly to lift his gaze to meet yours. He groaned quietly, looking up at you in question through half-lidded eyes.
"I am ready," You whispered tenderly, eyes searching his for any doubt, "If you are."
"Yes," He spoke softly, an affectionate smile gracing his lips, "I have been for a long time."
Alluringly, he seized his kuru, dexterous fingers sweeping down the braided hair. You did the same, watching with bated breath as the organic tendrils fervently intertwined. As your queues connected, his eyes never left yours. You revelled at the sight of his pupils dilating in ecstasy, and you swore you had never seen a prettier sight. You felt every part of him, your souls connecting on a level you couldn't have even begun to imagine without experiencing firsthand. Your heart swelled with emotions, overwhelmed by his infinite adoration for you.
"Neteyam," you whined softly, delicate hands rising to hold his perfect face. He mewled in response, flustered from your sounds before his lips breathlessly met yours. Your skin flushed as he kissed you with all the passion he had pent up, relishing the quiet pleas that escaped your lips.
He knew he would never grow tired of you gasping his name.
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starsxblazing · 5 months
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Im so happy your requests are open. Could i request azriel x reader where they're already in a relationship and reader overhears azriel mention hed like to add a 3rd person in the bedroom. Reader just shuts down and cant believe hed even think of such a thing. Shes so hurt and distant even his touch makes her wanna vomit. Maybe she breaks up with up with him while hes thinking of marrying her. And then he finds out why shes so distant and it was just a huuge huuuge misunderstanding (idk maybe she walked in at the wrong time and overheard cassian talkin about how hes gonna get azriel in a 3 way for azriels bachelor party once he asks reader to marry him.) And now hes gotta win the girl back and grovel on behalf of his stupid brother lol. angst with a happy ending.
I just want to say just how much I appreciate all of the requests with the amazing ideas that I get. I enjoy writing each one so very much!
Misunderstandings
----
You padded silently through the river house in search of your boyfriend, being sure to use every lesson of stealth that Azriel had taught you to surprise him. It had been three days since you had seen him due to Rhysand sending you out to speak with other courts. You had been told that he was here with Cassian but the bottom floor was empty so you continued on. A smile formed on your face as it usually did when you thought of him and all of the amazing years that you had been together.
It was as perfect as you thought that a relationship could be and you were happier than you ever were in your entire existence. He was the only person that you could ever imagine spending the rest of your life with. There was no way that any other male could compare to him and how well that he treated you because not a day went by that he never failed in making you feel like a queen. 
After listening through every closed door, you still came up empty handed until you were outside of Cassian’s door. His laugh could be heard, clear delight and mischief in it. Even though it was unlike you, you lingered outside of the door to listen in on the conversation that was apparently amusing.
“A threesome,” Azriel stated.
“It will be the best time of your life,” Cassian laughed. “Y/N and another girl? Can’t tell me it doesn’t sound like a blessing from the Mother.”
“I think bringing another female into our bed is exactly-”
You darted from the home as your heart dropped at what you heard. The thought of sharing your boyfriend with anyone had your stomach turning as the betrayal hit you in full force. Returning to the home that you shared with Azriel only made you feel worse and you found yourself in front of the toilet, releasing everything that was in your stomach.
Once you could muster up just enough strength, you made your way to your bed on shaky legs. Mental images of the love of your life so much as touching another female had you feeling sick again and the tears came in full force. You couldn’t stand the thought that he was still there more than likely discussing which female he should pick to present to you.
It made you feel like you were nothing and your entire relationship had been a lie. Had he had these thoughts often? Did he lust after other females and you never noticed? Had you failed to please him in bed? Had everything been for nothing? The more that you thought, the more that you cried until you were finally taken by sleep.
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“Absolutely not.”
Azriel stared at Cassian, his arms crossed and jaw clenched. The last thing that he would ever want was someone else in his bed. The thought of touching another female much less anyone else touching you had his anger spiking along with his stomach twisting. 
“You really don’t want to accept my bachelor party gift?” Cassian asked, a hand on his heart as if he was offended.
“How would you feel if it was Nesta?”
“Sounds fun.”
He could only glare at his brother, unable to comprehend how the male could stand such a thing. Azriel’s jealous territorial streak shot through him that was followed by his own pain of seeing you broken hearted for simply suggesting such a thing. Even if it was something that he truly did want, he knew you wouldn’t want another female touching him and rightfully so.
“I haven’t even asked her to marry me yet,” Azriel scoffed. “She might not even say yes.”
“Are you kidding me!?” Cassian exclaimed, sitting up in his seat in disbelief. “She’s crazy about you just as much as you are with her! You’ve had that ring for weeks now. What’s up with that?”
“I don’t know,” he muttered but he knew full well that it was his own insecurities. “I need to get home. She should be home by now and it’s already getting late.”
“Yea, yea.” His brother waved a hand in dismissal as Azriel stood. “Even though I think you should stay and have more wine with me. It’s one of Rhys’s good bottles.”
“Of course it is.” Azriel rolled his eyes, making his way to the door before glancing at Cassian again. “You better not ever mention this conversation. To me or anyone else.”
With that, he left and rushed home. If there was nothing else that he loved, it was falling asleep beside you at night. The way that you always moved as close as you could get made it all the more special. He had finally gotten the one thing that he had always wanted most in life and he knew that he was blessed and he would never do anything to jeopardize it.
When he arrived home, there wasn’t a light on in the entire house which only made him frown. You usually waited for him to get home no matter how late it was and the fact that the sun had just gone down had him worried. The lightest scent of your tears hit him just as he made it to the bedroom floor, causing his stomach to drop.
He found you already in a deep sleep and his frown deepened on his face as his eyebrows furrowed when he noticed that your eyes were indeed swollen from crying. As he silently changed his clothes, his shadows became as restless as his thoughts, wondering what could have caused you such distress.  
He eased as gently as he could into the bed so that he didn’t wake you but when he went to pull you into him, you flinched and jerked upright. Even in the darkness, he could see your hateful glare before you moved as far away from him as you could get. He knew then that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, love?” he asked gently, a hint of panic starting to rise in him.
You didn’t respond so he tried touching your arm and you simply jerked it out of his grasp. His heart dropped into his stomach and panic continued to rise to the point that he wanted to drop to his knees and beg you if it was needed to get answers. Instead of doing so, he let you sleep in hopes that you had simply had pent up frustrations from your mission that you weren’t ready to talk about.
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You awoke early the next morning since you had gone to bed so early and was relieved that Azriel was already gone. His side of the bed was cold as it was most days of the week. Your relief soon faded when your thoughts nagged at you, making you wonder if he was out scouting the city or maybe another court for another female.
All of the trust that you had in him was completely shattered as you wondered if he had been cheating on all of the late nights that he alleged that he was on missions for Rhys. If he had a secret mistress, you thought that may be an option for him if the other female could keep it a secret. Unable to handle the disgust rolling through like a storm, you packed what you could into a bag and left the one place that had been your safe haven.
It wasn’t hard to find an empty apartment in the city and even though it was unfurnished, you didn’t care. It would be just as easy to have a mattress placed in a bedroom. Paired with enough food to get you by, it would be enough. Your only intention was to hide away from the people that you had seen as your family. It wasn’t just the betrayal of your boyfriend but also with Cassian who saw you as a brother. He was wholeheartedly encouraging Azriel to basically cheat on you. You had thought that Azriel felt the same way as you did and wouldn’t want anyone else touching you but it appeared as if you were wrong. 
After two weeks of being alone in your bare apartment, the depression had completely taken over. You missed him more than you ever thought that you would but your thoughts were always on repeat of mental images of him putting his hands on another female how he had always done you now that you were no longer his problem to deal with. 
It was late in the night and since you hardly slept anymore, you instantly noticed the piece of paper and pen that landed on the floor beside your poor excuse of a bed. You blew out a sigh of relief when you instantly noticed that it was Rhysand’s handwriting but that feeling quickly disappeared as you read the message.
“You are needed at the river house tomorrow afternoon to discuss an issue that we are having with the court.”
Having to leave the safety of your apartment would mean that you would risk seeing Azriel. What was more, going to a meeting with the Inner Circle meant that you would have to see your boyfriend. Or maybe your ex boyfriend now. It was something that you weren’t ready to face. Not ready to face the possibility that there may be a new female by his side.
Sleep never did find you that night, your anxiety too high to do anything but sob as your body shook uncontrollably while your heart pounded wildly in your chest.
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Azriel came home that night to find you gone, your scent barely noticeable. It was enough to tell him that you had been gone for a while. Hoping to find some form of answers, he took two steps at the time to the bedroom only to find it vacant. Your drawers to your armoire were open and empty, the sight paired with how you had acted the night before sending his heart racing in true and utter panic. 
He instantly took to the skies, hoping to find you anywhere. Unfortunately, it was later in the night so there weren’t many people that he could inquire to about your whereabouts. He came up empty handed so before the sun could fully rise in the sky, he was at the river house in hopes that you were there. He felt as if someone would have told you if you were but there was also the chance that Rhysand could find you. 
“Please tell me you have seen her,” he begged as soon as his sleepy eyed brother opened the door.
“Who?” Rhys asked, his voice still full of sleep as he rubbed his eyes.
“Y/N!” he snapped. “I haven’t seen her since last night!”
That was enough to get the High Lord’s attention and bring him fully to the present. There was a gentle caress on his mental shield so he dropped the barrier to let the male see his memories. Rhys flinched as he pulled away but there was sympathy that he didn’t want on his friend’s face.
“Don’t panic,” the High Lord ordered in a gentle tone. “We will find her.”
“How are we going to find her when we don’t know anything!?” Azriel snapped, worry, panic, and pain lacing into every word.
“It didn’t appear as if there was a struggle and there were no unusual scents to indicate that she may have been abducted,” Rhysand mused. “Even if it was the case, she is trained well enough to handle whoever could have managed to come in.”
“But-”
“Has there been any disagreements as of late?”
“No-”
“Has she been expressing any discomfort with either of you being gone too long on missions?”
“No!” he exclaimed, frustrated because he had already come up empty handed on those thoughts as well. “Everything has been as perfect and happy as it could be!”
“We will find her,” his brother repeated gently.
Azriel’s chest began to heave at all of the horribly possible scenarios that could have happened to you. The thought of you being taken and injured hurt but what hurt him the most was the nagging suspicion that you had left him. Not only had you left him but done so when he wasn’t present and hadn’t communicated anything which was unlike you. Communication was a strong principle of a relationship for you so he must have done something irreparably wrong for you to leave him without a trace.
Unable to sit idly by and wait for Rhysand to search for you, he returned to the city. Despite the fact that he had searched all day and asked everyone he came across, it was as futile as the night before on any information about you. The pain felt as if it was eating him from the inside out while suffocating him in the process.
There were so many things that made him feel unworthy of anything but you had come along and changed that. There had been so many things that had hurt him in his life. If he lost you, it would be the one pain that he wouldn’t be capable of enduring. 
A week passed and each day was a repeat of the one before. He was sure that the citizens of Velaris were sick of him asking about you, especially when he was doing his best to be discreet. At the end of each day, he found himself curled up in the bed that he used to share with you to release the tears that he did his best to keep locked away until he was alone. His appetite had completely disappeared and he was unable to even force himself to eat. 
By the end of the second week, Rhysand had formed a plan. He watched as the High Lord wrote a note to you requesting your presence. The letter disappeared and he was reassured that if nothing else, you would come when the court needed you. His shadows had been restless the entirety of the two weeks of you being gone and tonight was no different. He was just as restless as they were with anticipated hope.
The entire day was spent pacing in different rooms to pass the time while thinking of any and every speech for whatever he had unknowingly done wrong. Feyre had done her best to calm and reassure him but nothing would soothe him until he saw you. It was what he had thought until you strode through the door of the river house.
Your scent hit him so hard that it made him stumble when he went to take a step towards you. He froze on his second step when you didn’t look at him but instead opted to watch your High Lord with anger in your eyes. It was at that time that he took a moment to do a full assessment of you only to find that you appeared to be in the same emotional state that he was in. You had lost weight and the dark circles were a harsh contrast to your unusually pale skin.
“I’m here,” you snapped, causing Rhysand to frown. “I’ve got things to be doing.”
“Care to fill us in on what ‘things’ you are busy with?” the High Lord countered.
“It’s not your business what I do with my personal time.”
“The personal time that a member of my court has used to stay hidden for two weeks.”
“I may be a part of your court, Rhysand but I do not have to report all of my movements.”
“No,” Rhys agreed. “But as a member of my Inner Circle, I would like the courtesy of knowing that you are safe when you decide to disappear without a trace. Maybe I should make you a spy as well since you do such a good job of it.”
“I don’t have time for this.” You bared your teeth at the High Lord who only smiled in return, the action causing you to huff. “Call me if there is actual business.”
“Y/N,” Azriel started when you glared at him once you began to make your way to the door. 
“Don’t fucking touch me,” you growled.
The four words had him recoiling his hand from where he tried to stop you. There was a hatefulness in your eyes that had never been laid upon him before and he could feel the burning beginning in his eyes. He loved you more than words could ever explain but yet here you were, staring at him with so much disgust. It made him feel lower than he had ever felt in his life. Lower than how he had felt as a child locked in a lightless cell.
“Please, please tell me what’s wrong,” he begged, blocking out everyone else in the room around them. “Please.”
“I really can’t believe you Azriel.” Tears filled your eyes and the pain in them had his knees buckling. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”
“Y/N, please-”
He tried once again to grasp your arm to stop you but your face paled as if the simple thought of him touching you made you sick. Every insecurity that he ever had began to resurface, every insecurity that had been healed simply because of your support. His worst fear had been confirmed but he refused to give up until he knew what had gone so horribly wrong. 
“Please tell me what I did,” he begged again once the both of you were outside. “How can I make it right?”
“You can make it right by going back to whatever bitch you wanted.” You swirled on him so quickly that he hardly had time to register that you did so, leaving nothing a handful of inches between the two of you. “I wasn’t enough so go find better!”
“Y/N, what are you talking about?” he asked in astonishment. “You are all that I’ve ever wanted. You are everything that I have been searching for my entire life.”
“I’m all you want but yet you have no problem with wanting a threesome?” His heart dropped as he realized what had happened. “Did you really think I would go along with that? Or were you planning it with someone else?”
“I wasn’t-”
Azriel took a deep breath and dropped down onto one knee while pulling the small box out of his pocket. He had kept it with him every single day and he was thankful that he did even if he was silently cursing his brother for ruining the proposal. Before opening it, he wrapped his arms around your middle and pulled you into him before burying his face into your stomach.
“Cassian,” he mumbled with a defeated sigh. “Is a fucking idiot.”
“Oh, I know all about him encouraging such an idiotic thing!” you exclaimed while halfheartedly trying to wiggle free from him. 
“He was trying to talk me into accepting a gift from him for..”
“For what?”
He took a deep breath, savoring the contact, before he pulled away and looked up to you. A small gasp escaped your lips when he opened the box that held the blue sapphire engagement ring. 
“For a bachelor party if you said yes when I proposed.”
Hope was the only thing that he could cling to when tears formed in your eyes as they darted between him and the ring. He took note that your body began to shake just as the smallest smile formed on your face.
“You- You were..”
“This isn’t exactly the way that I had planned it out,” he chuckled, feeling relieved to see some light back in your eyes. “My life has been nothing but darkness until you came into it and lit it up as if you were the brightest sun that could ever exist. A sun that made all of the dark disappear and made me feel truly seen for the first time in my life. I have never known true love and happiness until I was able to call you mine and it would be the greatest honor that I could ever receive to be able to call you my wife.”
Tears were falling freely down your face but your eyes never left his. The love and adoration had returned and it took everything in him to stay on one knee until he received a reply of some sort.
“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!” you exclaimed.
He was barely able to stand in time to catch you before you launched yourself onto him, throwing your arms around his neck and squeezing tightly. It bordered on pain but he didn’t dare complain now that you were back in his arms.
“Thank the Mother.”
You giggled at his words and then gave him the brightest smile when he slid the ring on your finger. He crashed his lips to yours, appreciating every single thing about you in a way that he hadn’t before. When he pulled away, there was a mischievous grin adorning your face.
“I think me and Cassian need to have a nice long chat.”
He laughed, a genuine true laugh, before following you inside and enjoying the scolding that his brother earned.  
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