#would they read it at 15? 15 y/os shouldn’t have to read a suicide note

[polyamorouspunk]

Honestly I could use a pep talk. This week the positive/negative whiplash has been horrible

Grace my love you have been such a comforting presence in my and a lot of other people’s lives. I’m so, so sorry that things haven’t been going spectacular for you but as I’ve said to you, having someone who is going through a lot of the same things that I am makes me feel so much less alone. I really, really hope that we can find some consistency in it all. Today when I was driving home I was thinking of that cliche “if you could have any superpower what would it be” and I thought “I wish I could control my emotions”. And I thought… that’s not a superpower. That’s something “normal” people can do. But I feel like I can’t. But maybe more things are in my control than I realize. Sometimes I do think that I make excuses for myself. And that’s not to say that we as human beings can control everything in our lives. In fact, it’s what we CAN’T control that brings us stress. Like other people changing their minds about plans and shit 😅 but that’s what makes us dynamic. That’s what makes us human. So I guess, you know, I would be bored or whatever if everything was easy and my life is perfect. I mean, we all need a little drama, right? Like the harmless kind. Like when you go through the drive-through and they give you the wrong order. It’s humbling. It gives us something to complain about. Like, I didn’t fuck up badly to warrant an entire Netflix show about it. At least it’s not THAT bad yet. And I mean. We have all, everyone here, made it through the worse times of our lives already. And sure, there’s every chance the worst thing that’s ever going to happen to us hasn’t happened yet (especially those of us who haven’t reached 25 yet) but honestly as I look back I feel like everything that really sticks out as bad to me isn’t more or less worse than the thing before or after it. It’s just the most present, so it’s the one that hurts them most. I’m GLAD I’m not 16, 18, 20 anymore, even if I had things then I wish I had now and have pain now I didn’t have then. Sometimes the things I have to look forward to don’t feel like enough but what is the alternative? I just have to keep going. I can’t give up. We can’t give up. We have to keep fighting. I refuse to be the one that knocks me down.

#I don’t know how much of a pep talk this is more just like #I feel you I see you this is what I have been telling myself so maybe some of that help you? #the other night I did this really weird exercise (?) #where I started mentally writing suicide notes to my loved ones #and I just started crying #and I reached a point where I was like holy shit I can’t do this anymore I would hurt too many people #and like as shitty and emotional as that was it was good? it was healthy? #I was like oh my god if I have to write a letter to my best friend’s brother’s baby telling her I’m sorry I never got to meet her when- #-she was older because I offed myself how could I do that to her fr like #I think the last ones I wrote in my head were to my 15 y/o cousins #and I was like how would my family explain to my cousins that I killed myself and wrote them a letter about it #would they read it at 15? 15 y/os shouldn’t have to read a suicide note #so honestly if things get bad that might be what I start trying as like an exercise idk #punk gets mail #personal