#you all make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile haha
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"how many times do i have to say it? no" nagi breathes out, barely even acknowledging your presence as he continues to play on his computer in his dorm room
with a loud huff, loud enough for him to hear even with his headphones on, you flop down at his bed, sprawling your arms around as you stare up at his ceiling
"c'mon sei! i'm literally almost legal but yet i still don't even have a first boyfriend, let alone a first kiss!" you complained, throwing your hands over you face
you see nagi shrug before retorting something along the lines of 'what does that have to do with me'
"nagiiiiii" you drag out, hoping to get a reaction from him. to which, you do get a reaction from him! his signature look of boredom.
"fine. i'll help you"
"yay" you clapped your hands
"only if you buy me 5 battlepasses and whatever i want on the nightmarket" nagi bargains
with a deep sigh, you agree "fine!"
after a bit of more complaining to nagi that you were infact bitchless for most of your life and you're getting a little desperate to get some action as you are a junior in college and two, most of your other friends that isn't nagi are in relationships which makes you a tad bit jealous that you are gonna die alone anyway without getting some any action
you don't know how you even got to this point of the conversation where whether or not nagi has or had been in relationships but here you are now
"so wait, let me get this straight.." you pause, holding your palm out as a way of making nagi pause whatever he's mumbling about, "you already kissed someone?"
nagi shrugs again, "it was only because of some spin the bottle shit reo made me play at some party we went to"
"so that makes you experienced then?"
"not really"
"but you already have your first kiss?"
"i guess?"
"then you are experienced!"
nagi gives you a puzzled look as he lies down next to you. "what do you want me to do then?" he asked, just so he can be done with it
"i want you to teach me how to kiss" you turn to look at him with a glint of your eyes that basically screams "i am determined to get the perfect first kiss with someone i will pursue"
nagi looks dumbfounded at your completely bizarre request. he looked at you like you just grew a second head
"what the fuck"
in the end nagi does eventually give in (not because you totally bribed him again into buying him an entire collection worth of items at his nightmarket and some battlepasses that could easily be around 3 months worthwhile)
so now here you were, seated across from nagi, ready to learn how to kiss and what better way to learn than to ask your best (and only) friend at your college!
"so do i just close my eyes or..?" you start, beginning to feel self aware at the situation that you brought yourself onto
"i'd prefer that" nagi retorts, making you giggle a bit because of how funny he sounded
"okay.. okay" you breathe, closing your eyes as you slowly start leaning in.
"... my eyes are now closed"
for the record, nagi didn't really mind nor care if you opted to opening your eyes while doing this whole thing but he just doesn't want to see you see him all worked up
"i'm leaning in" nagi warns you, so that you won't feel like he's being invasive or all that funky shit. basically he just didn't want you to get the wrong idea
and so, your lips meet.
"congrats, you got your first kiss" nagi casually says as not even a millisecond later, he pulls away and moves to the other side of his bed
"nagi! that was barely even a kiss!"
"how would you know if you never had it before this?" he retorts, making you heat up in partial embarrassment because it was true that you didn't have your first kiss yet and the other reason being which that he was technically your first kiss
"i-i just know, okay damn it!" you stammered, "let's do it again!"
"if you want to kiss me that badly just say so" nagi attempts to make a joke to lighten up the dampen mood but from what you think, he just worsened the whole situation
"haha very funny nag–" before you could even finish your sentence, nagi crashes his lips against yours.
instinctively you placed your hands over his chest to which he places them over his neck, giving him more room to suck your face off.
you may or may not have accidentally moaned in the midst of this activity you two were doing which prompted into something more
you were now laying flat at his bed with him hovering you. still not breaking the kiss whatsoever. his shirt long gone, now at the floor. everything was going smooth
that is until reo decides it would be the most perfect time to barge in to tell nagi about how he just got a new pair of soccer shoes that were issued at the latest soccer magazine
"nagi! you'll never believe what i just got! it's the one messi just wore at the cover of– JESUS CHRIST"
reo basically shrieked, shielding his eyes with said magazine.
you and nagi basically separated. your eyes dart to nagi's shirtless body and to reo who was looking between you and nagi. just in time for a hypothetical light bulb to pop up at the top of his head
"oh.. i'm just gonna" reo throws his thumb back at nagi's door and dashes out before yelling "be safe you two!"
when the door closes, you and nagi both sigh in relief that he was gone but the damage was done
"well.."
"uhh.." you fiddled with your fingers, unable to look at nagi in the eye.
"how was that then as your first lesson?" as always, nagi just seems to find a way to try and cut the atmosphere although this time, it worked.
"it was a splendid demonstration. i'll rate it a 8/10" you applaud
nagi crawls over to you with a small mischievous glint in his eyes. he traps you in between his arms as he stares down at you.
"just an 8?"
feeling a little frisky, and obviously enjoying what was going on earlier right before reo interrupted, you decide that maybe learning from nagi wouldn't hurt a thing or two
you throw your hands over nagi's neck before responding to him
"could you show me how you did that thing earlier with your tongue again? i couldn't quite get that" you say in a fake curious tone making nagi chuckle
"okay. let me demonstrate it to you again. thoroughly" nagi whispers before catching your lips with his.
you went to school with nagi's hoodie the next day and people (and reo) could only guess why
#blue lock imagines#bllk imagines#blue lock x reader#bllk x reader#nagi imagines#nagi x reader#nagi seishiro imagines#nagi seishiro x reader#nagi scenarios#nagi x you#nagi fluff#nagi seishiro scenarios#nagi seishiro x you#nagi seishiro fluff#nagi seishiro#nagi#dont ask why im suddenly a nagi fucker
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Freminet with a darling who left him for Lynette. He can't seem to figure out where he went wrong, and why you no longer love him like he loves you.
★🐈⬛🩷
haha surpriiiise y'all, I'm back, kinda sorta ;v; it's gonna be even slower updates than what it was previously but after a few months away and a lot of ups and downs, I've gotten back into the swing of things haha ;v; i really and sorry for being gone so long
Warning: this post contains yandere-themes, including obsessive behaviors, watching darling sleep, mentions of murder, kidnapping implications, and other potential topics/content. Please read at your own risk!
It wasn’t supposed to go this way, no part of his plan was intended to steer things this direction at all. Freminet felt at a loss, watching as you happily snuggled up beside his older sister, smiling at her and showering her in the love that he deserved. He was the one responsible for making you the way you are, for breaking down your walls and showing you what it means to be loved and yet no matter what he said or did, you always just ran off to his sister.
You were supposed to be his, he- he killed for you, you can’t just leave him like this. He’s worked too hard…
What did he do wrong? Did he not love you enough or perhaps too much? Was it something he said? You have to tell him, he can’t stand this. The shelves have been ripped off the walls in his room, his desk flipped over, everything torn out of his closet as he searches for answers, for clues as to what he did. Freminet just can’t seem to comprehend that he was the problem. The Lynette was simply in the right place at the right time, offering you comfort for the woes that Freminet had caused.
Love makes people do crazy things, but that’s what makes it so worthwhile. It’s why Freminet didn’t bat an eye at your resistance, the way you fought him every step of the way after he brought you home. It was ok, you were just adjusting to the love he provided, the love you needed. But no, you just had to run off to someone else, to leave him shaking in anger as he stared you down, watching you hide behind his sister who defended you. She didn’t even love you back, she couldn’t love you like he loved you. Lynette didn’t care for you like Freminet did, you were better off with him.
“Just forget about her, she doesn’t love you. Nobody but me could love a mess like you, have you seen yourself recently? You should be grateful I love you, should feel honored I put in so much work for you, all because I love you.” Freminet is unrelenting in his mission to get you back, whispering hurtful words in your ear while you sleep, hoping to influence your dreams. It’s the only time he can get close to you, when you’re fast asleep and Lynette is no longer near you. He takes full advantage of these moments, shifting your peaceful dreams into tear-jerking nightmares all while gently loving on you. Peppering kisses all over your face, gently holding your face in his hands, fixing the blanket when it moves off you. As cruel as he has to be during these times, it doesn’t mean he loves you any less. Freminet has spent his whole life thinking love didn’t exist, now that he had you, he wasn’t planning to let you just up and leave. You belonged to him, his initials inked onto the back of your neck proved that.
#genshin x reader#genshin x male reader#genshin x gender neutral reader#yandere genshin x reader#yandere genshin x male reader#yandere genshin x gender neutral reader#freminet x reader#freminet x male reader#freminet x gender neutral reader#yandere freminet x reader#yandere freminet x male reader#yandere freminet x gender neutral reader#yandere genshin#genshin yandere#yandere freminet#freminet yandere
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Beauty and the Beast’s Christmas - Clavis Lelouch
Christmas collection story
As usual, can’t guarantee 100% accuracy on this
On Christmas morning when couples affirm their love for each other-
I was all alone in my room, thinking about my absent fiancé.
(You must be really busy today, Clavis. I hope you're not tired from yesterday)
Yesterday, Clavis took me out on a date for the whole day because he couldn't spend Christmas with me.
He tried to create Christmas spirit by going to Christmas markets, trendy cafes, and restaurants with atmosphere.
(I was surprised when Clavis took me to a shady-looking restaurant he had recently discovered...)
(Even if it wasn't on the proper day, I'm glad he took some time out for me since he's busy this time of the year)
(Huh...?)
I suddenly noticed an envelope that slipped under the door.
When I opened it, I was greeted by the familiar bad handwriting scribbled across.
(This handwriting's Clavis'...what does he mean by "invitation"?)
~~
Clavis: Welcome, Emma, to a Christmas party just for the two of us.
I followed the instructions written on the invitation and after getting off the carriage at a mansion, I found Clavis waiting for me.
Emma: I thought I wouldn't see you today...
Clavis: As a gentleman, it's only natural for me to grant my fiancée's wishes.
Emma: Wishes...
Clavis: I was so surprised by the fact that Clavis was here that I couldn't come up with a proper reply to his sudden mention of "wishes".
Clavis: Wanting to spend Christmas together — wasn't that what you wished for?
Emma: ...
I was happy enough from the fact that the date yesterday felt like Christmas.
But it's true that deep inside, I wanted to spend this special day with Clavis.
(I didn't want to appear selfish...It's frustrating how he saw right through me)
However, a feeling of joy that overwhelmed all other feelings filled my heart.
Emma: Thank you! I'm so happy!
Clavis: Seeing that lovely smile on your face makes all of this planning worthwhile.
However, don't get too excited just yet. I've prepared plenty of things to make you enjoy yourself.
The walls and windows were decorated with ribbons, roses, and star-shaped ornaments.
In a room filled with Christmas cheer, a cake decorated in bright red cream and questionable lumps sat on a table.
(I'm guessing the figure-like thing is a rabbit, but what are those green lumps and gelatinous mass?)
Emma: I-it's an exciting day...!
Clavis: It's cute isn't it?
(Cute, huh...)
Clavis: It's a Christmas-themed cake decorated with the image of a tree and starry sky!
(Tree and night sky?!)
With a huge smile on his face, Clavis held out a slice of cake on a plate.
Clavis: We had a Christmas cake yesterday at the restaurant, but today, it's just the two of us.
Emma, what does a couple in love do when they're alone together on Christmas?
Emma: Feed each other...?
Clavis: That's right, feed each- Hm? You figured it out this time.
Emma: Of course I did. How long have we been together, Clavis?
(I'm a little embarrassed, but you did go through the trouble of making this...)
Emma: Got it. Let's eat.
When I scopped up a piece of cake with the fork and held it out to Clavis, for some reason, he kept his mouth shut and refused to take a bite.
Emma: Huh...Clavis, aren't you going to eat it?
Clavis: Emma, shouldn't you say "ah"?
Emma: Do I have to?
Clavis: Yes you do. It's Christmas after all.
Emma: How does going "ah" relate to Christmas...
Clavis: Wouldn't it be more lovey-dovey with an "ah"?
Emma: ......
Clavis: That's what Christmas is all about.
I just want to fully enjoy a sweet time with my fiancée...
(I guess it can't be helped...)
Emma: A-ah...
I felt my cheeks heat up as I held my fork out again
Clavis suddenly closed his mouth and I got some cream on his lips.
Emma: You just did that on purpose, didn't you?!
Clavis: Do you think I'd do something so devious?
Emma: Of course I do!
Clavis: Haha. Well now, it's my turn to feed you.
However, Clavis wasn't even holding a plate or fork when he said that.
He pointed at the cream on his lips with his index finger.
(Eat from there...)
Emma: That was your plan after all...
(But you did clear your Christmas schedule just for me...)
(I'm really happy that you planned so much for me)
Clavis: Come, savor as much as you want.
I shyly licked cream off of Clavis' lips.
When I pulled away with my cheeks heating up, Clavis suddenly hugged me tight and captured my lips.
We savored the cream as the repeated kisses became deeper and deeper.
A Christmas as sweet as the cake was about to begin.
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Friendship Level Up Lines
Below are the friendship level up lines from the newly implemented Guest Room function in-game.
HEARTSLABYUL
Riddle
Your guest room is quite lovely. I'll return again soon with a small token of my appreciation for you.
Max Level: Being a Dorm Leader means that I am constantly busy, but… I cannot ignore your hospitality. Next time I have time available, I shall come visit.
Ace
Looks like a pretty snazzy room, but I bet you've just swept all the trash under the furniture! ...I'm kidding, I'm not gonna go look for any, so don't kick me out!
Max Level: Hey, can I put something in this guest room, too? I bet I’ll be coming around a lot more often, and it’s a pretty big room, so I can have a little space, right?
Deuce
I feel bad you're always inviting me over. I'd offer to have you come over to my place, but because I'm in a shared dorm room it's not that easy to.
Max Level: The other day, I saw something that’d be perfect for this guest room in the school shop, so I’ll get it. Hey, don’t worry about it, we’re buds, right?
Cater
Thanks for the great time! If you ever want to invite me back over, I'll definitely come. I'm sure the guest room will look even more amazing next time I come, right?
Max Level: Maybe I’ll try making some furniture with you next time. The style you got going right now’s pretty rockin’, but we do a collab, maybe you’ll end up even more attached to Cay-kun. What if, right? ♪
Trey
At first, when you said you wanted to extend your hospitality to me, I thought to myself, "what are they scheming?", but... Haha, you're always full of surprises.
Max Level: I need to give you proper thanks for always inviting me. …Eh? Hey, it’ll be troublesome if you ask for that much. Do me a favor and don’t expect too much, okay?
SAVANACLAW
Leona
I don't like being constantly disturbed. So in that sense, this place is perfect and quiet.
Max Level: I don’t mind coming by this guest room once in a while. Make sure you have a place to nap and some food ready for me.
Jack
I mean, I'm pretty busy with my studies and training, but... Hey, wait, I didn't said I wouldn't come! It would be rude to not show up when you've invited me.
Max Level: Oh yeah, why don’t we put a cactus in your room, too? It’s not that hard to take care of, and you’ll end up enjoying raising it.
Ruggie
You wanna know if I'll come back again? Hey, 's long as it's free, I'll come anytime! And hey, if I get some snacks out of coming here too, that'd be even better. Shishishi.
Max Level: I gotta make sure to thank ya for always invitin’ me. Oh right, let me know if any of your furniture breaks. Not sayin’ I’ll do it for free, but I can give you a friend’s discount to fix it.
OCTAVINELLE
Azul
Thanks to your efforts, I was able to spend quite the worthwhile time here. ...If it pleases you, do not hesitate to invite me back.
Max Level: I dislike being in debt to anyone. Next time, I shall play host to you. I’ve already scheduled it. I cannot wait to see your surprised look.
Jade
It seems I cannot help but stay longer than intended here in Ramshackle. I do hope I am not disturbing you.
Max Level: Thank you for everything. Your hospitality is pleasant and appreciated. Perhaps I could receive some guidance in these matters sometime? Of course, you’ll be fully compensated
Floyd
Hey, make a chair just for me. One that's round, but also sharp; that makes a statement, but is also subtle. Thaaaanks~
Max Level: I feel like I’m one of your regulars here, huh. It’s kinda rare for me to be able to hang in one place for so long without gettin’ bored. Keep it up, I’m counting on ya.
SCARABIA
Kalim
Can I come again sometime? Thanks! You should come visit my dorm sometime, too. Me and Jamil'll totally treat you well!
Max Level: Thanks, as always! I wanna give you something in return, so I’ll send some jewels and clothes over to Ramshackle soon! …Eh, you don’t need it? Then, what do you want?
Jamil
I'm usually on the hosting end of these kind of things, but it's not that bad to be a guest for once. If you'd like, invite me again sometime.
Max Level: When I’m in this room, I feel so at home. May I come again? I thought it’d be nice to spend some quality time talking with you sometime. Of course, I’ll definitely bring a gift with me when I come.
POMEFIORE
Vil
When I'm with you, time just seems to fly by so quickly. It may be because I am so absorbed in our conversations. You've successfully kept me engaged, well done.
Max Level: Do you fully grasp just how much of a sin it is to monopolize my precious time like this? If a fan were to hear of this, they may faint from shock… Fufu. That is fun to imagine.
Epel
It's kinda calming to spend time in this room. It's dangerous, though, 'cause I might get so relaxed that I let my real words slip out... But I still want to come over anyway!
Max Level: This place is so awesome with how I can spread out and relax! Thanks for everything. I’m gonna make sure you can have just as much fun over at my place, so you need to come over next time.
Rook
All this time I get to spend with you is filled with new discoveries, it is absolutely spectacular! May I come visit again?
Max Level: You are a dangerous one. Time and time again, I feel as though my innermost thoughts may come spilling out. Oh, this delightful feeling of tension… Beauté! I shall come visit again.
IGNIHYDE
Idia
Y-You've got some ulterior motive for being so nice to me, don't you? Honestly, I'd feel more relaxed if you'd say that you did...
Max Level: When you first said you wanted me to come to your guest room, I thought you were being forced to on a dare or something, but… Guess I was wrong. Uh, well… I’ll come again. Yeah.
Ortho
Your room is such a mysterious wonder. It makes me want to come back over and over again. I'd like to solve this enigma, so please call me over again!
Max Level: I want to help you with setting up your room, too! Let me know the next time you’re redecorating, if you need anything heavy moved. I’ll change into a heavy-lifting attachment!
DIASOMNIA
Malleus
I cannot believe that there would be someone out there who would invite me like this... Wait. I wasn't barging in uninvited, was I?
Max Level: I suppose it’s not a bad feeling at all to have such gentle hospitality like this. Right now, I am in a fantastic mood. Fufufu, if you have any favor you wish to ask of me, now may be the time to do so.
Silver
I haven't had much opportunities to visit another person's home. If I do anything discourteous, I shall remedy my actions. So please, welcome be back again sometime.
Max Level: Thanks to you, I have been able to thoroughly enjoy myself. I am still figuring out how I could possibly relay these feelings of gratitude.
Sebek
From the way you keep trying to talk to me, I can see that you've nothing to do. I'll allow you to join me for training, then! ...Why are you declining...?
Max Level: I’ve gotten used to listening to you ramble on. From now on, you’re free to call on me whenever you want. …I can’t promise that I’ll always listen though, you understand?
Lilia
This place is filled with things that pique my curiosity. Of course, that includes you. Kufufu.
Max Level: I cannot believe I’ve gotten to this age, and I’m still making new friends that I can confide in. Kufufu, it’s a blessing to be able to live this long. Keep up the good work!
Crowley
I don't quite mind being so beloved by my students. I shall whole-heartedly accept your adoration, so please, keep it up for as much as your heart desires.
Max Level: I cannot just let you host and not return the favor. After all, I am so bountiful in my generosity! Please come by my office sometime. I shall treat you in grand fashion!
Grim
Nyahaha, yeah, yeah! I told you, good things happen when you're under my wing. Here, I'll give you a bite of my tuna! ...Just one bite, okay?
Max Level: Hey, look! I dusted the guest room for you. You’re always working so hard, so I gotta help ya out once in a while. Did it make you happy? Hey, did it?
Rollo
I have no recollection of ever accepting such gracious hospitality… How dubious. You would do well to tell me honestly of whatever nefarious plans you may have. What, you have none? …If that is true, then this is even more troublesome.
Max Level: I cannot help but pity you for residing in a place such as this while unable to use magic. If you find you cannot suffer these wicked mages, you should come to me. I shall gladly lambast them.
#twisted wonderland#twst#twst riddle#twst ace#twst deuce#twst cater#twst trey#twst leona#twst jack#twst ruggie#twst azul#twst jade#twst floyd#twst kalim#twst jamil#twst vil#twst epel#twst rook#twst idia#twst ortho#twst malleus#twst silver#twst sebek#twst lilia#twst grim#twst translation
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ATBB's Future
Hiiii y'all, its uh. been a minute huh
Now that it's been a bit over a year since I put this blog on hiatus, a loootta stuff has happened and changed and i've been doing a loootttta thinking!
Looking back on it, like really really looking, my biggest reason for the hiatus was that at some point the blog just kinda became more of a chore than something I wanted to work on for fun. Ask blogs are a lot of work, even when you're just using talking portraits rather than drawing out every individual answer, and with how much ask culture on tumblr has died out over the years there just wasn't really enough payoff to make it feel worthwhile to keep burning myself out.
I think it's a really good thing I stopped it when I did, because having to deal with all that in my senior year of high school would have been a nightmare. I've actually just finished up my first semester of college now, and there's no way in hell I would've been able to keep up at any rate! With all of this in mind, I've gained a newer perspective about how to approach things going forward.
I'm still really attached to this story. With how much time I've spent thinking about it and developing it in my head, I can't let it go, even if the blog isn't really working out anymore. I keep thinking of different ways I could fix the decisions I made early on, as well as the super cool directions I could take it in in the future, and I just. I GOTTA.
So, I've decided to reboot it entirely as a fic series!
This means that, unfortunately, there won't be nearly as much artwork to accompany it, but it's far more likely for the story to actually progress! Writing is way less draining for me and once I get going I can do it much quicker than art anyway, even though I do still sorta wish I had the spoons to just turn it into a full-blown webcomic instead haha
This DOES mean that updates won't be nearly as linear as they were here, seeing as right now I've mostly been working on backstory fics that took place before the blog's main story, but that can at least give you guys more context for how the characters interact with each other! I'll also state that while I do write faster than I draw, I still do it a hell of a lot less, so updates will still probably be pretty infrequent. But at least they'll happen at all, right?
As for the state of this blog itself, obviously I'm going to leave it up! I still love looking back on the old interactions you guys had with my characters and your reactions to certain plot points (your reactions to Fluff tagging along with the rest of the group were my favorite by far) and I think it would actually kill me to erase them. I'll be posting the fic updates here too, just like I did for Self Hatred!
And even if it's not going to be an ask blog anymore, because of how much I still miss that kind of interaction with you guys, I think I want to do a sort of "last hurrah" event, to finally send off the asking format with some good vibes.
You see, there's a character I made up around this time of year two years ago. He's a pretty cool guy, but he doesn't actually show up until a specific turning point later in the story. I've been excited for you guys to talk to him since the day I made him, but a little bummed lately that you may not ever get the chance. I still need to get a lot of stuff prepared, so I'm not quite ready to announce or start anything just yet, but there's a reason I waited until my winter break to start thinking about this seriously.
I think you guys would really like to meet him.
But anyway, that's about all I wanted to say for now! This is a very long post already so it's time I start wrapping it up. As always, thank you all so much for sticking with me, even though I really haven't been consistent through the years. I hope this change doesn't come as too much of a disappointment, and that you'll keep sticking around for the reboot!
#LONG ass post sorry guys but i wanted to cover all my bases 😌#ooc#actually i think im gonna add the bone boys tag too just to make things less confusing for any chrono readers#bone boys#i might post some sneak peeks of my current wips a bit later just to prove i AM actually working on it lol#woulda put it here but its wayyyyyyyy too long n i didn't wanna add a cut 😔#i hope you guys can get excited about the send off event tho... it probably wont last longer than a month but i think itll be rlly cool :>
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How about that time when ASP bragged that Rory only had her first time when she was 19/20 or something, wasn’t it weird that she was so proud of that, especially when she “made” her have such a lousy first time, married man and all?
Why was Rory being a virgin until “late” that groundbreaking for ASP, I wonder?
If I’m not mistaken she was shading other teen shows that had their protagonists/leading ladies having their first times earlier, and idk once again it just looks like she digs shaming girls for having sex.
Personally, I used to love that Rory was still a virgin until college bc I could relate to her even more because of that, haha, I just got kinda disappointed that Amy seemed to see it as some sort of quality?
Sorry, English is not my first language so idk if I’m expressing myself very well, but yeah I’m curious to o know more opinions about this.
The way I understand it, Amy was under a lot of pressure from the network to make Rory "sexier." But why should a teenage girl character HAVE TO have sex to be a worthwhile or relatable character? She shouldn't! But that kind of mindset was what ASP was pushing back against, and maybe it's an unpopular opinion, but I actually really appreciated that. What you have to understand is that when I grew up watching teen media from the 80s and 90s (and going into the early 2000s), there was persistent messaging that still being a "virgin" by the time you graduated from highschool was kind of embarrassing. Losing your virginity was widely viewed as some sort of necessary "milestone" instead of a very personal and optional choice. (Especially for boys, but there was a lot of that for girls in TV and movies also) It wasn't until right around the turn of the millennium that I remember starting to see movies/shows that QUESTIONED that idea, that started asking well, WHY, though? When there started occasionally being characters who expressed that they shouldn't HAVE to have sex just to fit in. That it should be a PERSONAL choice. And like, I'm not a historical scholar- I haven't done a STUDY of whether this is accurate or not, but this is what it FELT LIKE to me as a teenager. And it FELT LIKE Rory was a really refreshing character for nerdy girls like me and my friends- that it was OKAY if you hadn't had sex yet. It was OKAY for a teenage girl to be focused more on academic or career aspirations rather than "losing her V-card," or that maybe she just doesn't feel ready yet, and it doesn't make her a "loser" or a "prude!" Like, that felt like SUCH a rare thing! ASP wanted to write a character like that, partly because it hadn't been done much, and she got a lot of pushback from the Network about it (which is kind of gross?). And I just... don't think that necessarily means that she was "slut shaming" anyone else.
I confess to being surprised when I started seeing people on here saying that Gilmore Girls had a "negative" view of sex. (This got long, sorry!)
Like, Lorelai has an active sex life with a variety of different partners over the course of the series, and that seems to be portrayed as normal and morally neutral. Sookie has an active and healthy sex life. When Rory is sleeping with Logan in college, the narrative seems to paint Richard and Emily (and the unfortunate Reverend they brought in) as ridiculous and controlling for objecting. Paris and Doyle have an active and enthusiastic sex life, and the narrative doesn't seem to judge them for it... I do admit that there does seem to be a pattern of unfortunate "first times" for the younger characters, but I wonder if that's more about Amy's addiction to "drama" than her views on sex. About Paris specifically, I always interpreted her paranoia about being "punished" for having sex as being commentary about how SOCIETY judges girls for having sex (because Reality for girls was a lot different from the pop culture fantasy norms). Gilmore Girls just wasn't interested in portraying some kind of "ideal world." They were just "putting these guys in Situations." And I mean... it's a show largely about generational trauma stemming from a teenage pregnancy! The characters are going to have some complicated and probably even unhealthy feelings about sex! And can I be honest for a minute? Much like attitudes towards our bodies, I'm honestly a proponent of what I'm going to call "sex neutrality." Because, yeah, sex is supposed to be fun and feel good and even be beautiful... And ideally it is! But sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's bad or painful or awkward or emotionally messy or damaging or degrading. Are we supposed to pretend that doesn't happen? Because it does. Are TV characters just not supposed to acknowledge that side of it? I don't know. I don't think Gilmore Girls is a perfect show. I don't agree with everything ASP thinks or everything the characters do. But I do think sometimes viewers want to see some kind of "message" where there just isn't one. Anyway, this is just my opinion, and I may be wrong about one or several things! 😆
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So I've spoken before about how one of (and probably the) main reasons writing Model Citizens always takes me so so long is because I have my own guilty-pleasure for making deeply branched but otherwise inconsequential conversations.
And I thought, for funsies and as a preview of the new part of the interview, I'd show you a little what I mean.
If you like to go in completely blind, then all good, it's under the read more. But I chose a part of the next update that is pretty much entirely devoid of anything plot relevant, and is one of the points that is only used for building your character, your relationship with Yolanda, and your relationship with others.
//
(I'm using a test file for this, so some choices you'll see, like divorcee-relevant things, are hidden because I skipped through a bunch of previous stuff to get to here.)
So as I mentioned way back before, for the next part of the update I wanted to add some questions that are otherwise inconsequential but provide you a basis to change your relationship with Yolanda so that you can get better or different responses in the more meaningful questions.
Enter the opinions questions.
But like, my brain goes, wouldn't it be fun to hide little things in here? Not even just plot things, but just little conversation branches to get to know people.
And, my brain continues, it would be far more fun if even inconsequential questions can lead to interesting conversation paths. It makes them actually worthwhile, and not just time-wasters.
So, we click on "today's fashion trends".
So of course, you click on it, you get a little stuff, but oh boy it doesn't end there. It's MC building time. How does your MC respond to this otherwise irrelevant little subject? I think it's fun to think about. Makes your character feel more alive. More involved.
Like, maybe your MC doesn't really like fashion itself, but they are the type that likes seeing other people get passionate. That's cool! I like that. I want to write that. I'll include an option for that.
And Yolanda is the type of person who also likes to see people passionate about things! So if the MC expresses that same inclination, she'll want to know more about them as well.
But, I realize, maybe the reader feels this is dragging on away from the subject at hand. Ok. I'll put in an option to go back, end the conversation here.
But otherwise-- while this MC might like hearing other people talk about it, what if they're the type to not be so honest about their own hobbies, or maybe they're concerned about their standing with Yolanda, and want to try and impress her, and think lying about their interests will do that?
Or, maybe they are really, genuinely excited to say something that they're interested in. Oh, what could an MC be interested in?
Well, I could list a bunch of things but... what if I added things that could be relevant to the conversation at hand?
For example-- what if the MC shared an interest with their Ex? Raf liked baking, so if they choose that and he was their Ex...
Or Lucy was big on being active, and if the MC liked to exercise with her...
... but Yolanda's sister also likes to knit and sew! So what if they shared a hobby with her? Yolanda would respond well to that.
So this otherwise small, inconsequential little tangent also builds a bit more character, both of the MC and, potentially, their relationship to others!
I find writing and hiding these little nuggets of world and character building a lot of fun. It's one of my favorite parts of writing interactive fiction, honestly. So I always enjoy writing these kinds of branching character dialogues.
But, of course, this isn't the only one where this kind of conversation tree is hidden. Here's the one I'm currently working on:
For an MC who has 0 interest in fashion. Not even all the options are shown here, Raf and Lucy's are both missing because, like I said, I skipped through to show this part, haha.
Anyway, I find this fun, and I find the idea of it branching in these small ways a lot of fun too. It takes a damn long time to write through all the scenarios, but it's what I love about this format of writing.
So I hoped you enjoyed this little ramble and preview! I hope it also gives you some insight into my funky lil thought process. And thank you once more for your patience on everything! :D
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Oh babe I read your post about graduation and life after. I FEEL YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!! I’m graduating Friday and I pursued a film degree in a city with little to no opportunities for that industry. Don’t know why I did that. Sorry to my parents who sacrificed a lot to put me through school. Moving to a bigger city is not an option bc I can’t afford it. Might be moving back in with my parents might not be. Everyone is asking whats next for me. Girl idk. I’m stressed I’m anxious. I hate it here. The real world sucks and I just want to skip over all this character building stuff and get to the part of my life where I’m happy with a career and can actually afford groceries. Sometimes I wish my dreams weren’t as big.
Hi gorgeous! First of all, I'm so sorry you feel that way. I promise your degree has value whether you feel like you can get a job out of it right away or not, and I won't pretend to know how your parents feel but I doubt they would have sacrified anything if they didn't feel your education was worthwhile. Graduating from college is a big deal nonetheless ! We both know I'm struggling with this too but I have some pieces of advice that have been given to me and I've found helpful if you want them <3
Obviously, "almost no one works in something related to their degree" is a really disheartening thing to hear, and I bet you've been hearing it (like I have) a lot lately. But what I think the people who say that are trying to convey is that there is no shame in just doing a job that makes some money (and preferably also makes you happy), and sometimes that financial security can help you pursue your dreams with a bit more surety since you're no longer trying to find a way to eat at the same time.
A few months ago, I talked to my mom about how guilty I feel about potentially not being able to get a job relevant to my degree after she helped put me through college, and while I know not all parents feel the same way about this, I think she made some great points. She said that college is about learning how to think, and your education and the experiences you've had in college will always be valuable no matter what job you end up with. And did you have a good time? Did you like learning all those things you did about film? Did you meet some cool friends, or get to talk about your interests with people who get it? If so, none of it was wasted.
It's so, so easy to feel pressure from others when you're trying to figure out your life post-grad, but in my experience most of that pressure is really internal. People ask what's next for you because they're interested, not becuase they have any one specific path in mind, and the vast majority of the time if you seem happy, they're happy. If you're not happy, fuck it! Then your priority should probably be getting to a place where you are happy, and those conversations really don't matter when you've got bigger fish to fry.
Last thing, but as someone also struggling to re-orient herself in her life plan, I've been taking a lot of time to figure out my priorities. I kind of got stuck in this idea of what my life was going to be, and once that seemed less certain I started questioning what I wanted if I didn't have to do that. I'm making a pinterest board (always my first course of action haha), and it's helped me figure out that whatever I do, I want to be around nature and books, and to live in a mid-size city. Figuring out what I need to be happy has really put things into perspective for me, and I'm sorry I don't mean to assume we're in the exact same mental state but I just want to give you all the stuff that's been working for me in case any of it fits into your situation too.
You can still use your passion in film while working another job, or use that job to save to move to a larger city, or maybe even reflect and find that you're content keeping the film thing as a hobby and there's something else you enjoy doing for a career (I know how heartbreaking that can sound when you love something, but that's how writing has turned out for me so I just wanted to put it out there--feel free to reject it of course). For me, trying to open my mind to all the possibilities and re-evaluate what I want from the next few years has been super scary but also kind of exciting, and I hope that whatever happens for you you're able to find happiness in the big and little things. Wishing you all the best my love!
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How much of your time in file creation is split between writing, recording and editing? When do you know when you've slipped into over-producing territory?
Wow great question!
So this depends on the project. My current process is I write a script, then I order the art and get the assets ready for production, record and edit and post.
Sometimes, a script will take a day or two to come together. Sometimes it takes weeks where I write a little bit of a script per day. I like to have three or four things on the go at once because my brain do be like that but once a script is "ready" I will often do a read aloud to get the mouth feel and flow down before I record. This also warms my brain up to how I'm going to deliver it on the mic and it helps me to hear if a thing sounds clumsy or if it works.
I like to batch my recording sessions because setting up my vocal booth from singing to hypnosis or asmr is a challenge so I may as well use that set up for multiple recordings. I will then spend a few hours recording all the scripts that are done that day. If I mess up a take I clap or snap to save my place and ensure I can make some clean cuts later. Pro tip, give yourself space either side of the mistake and start on a line you know had a bit of a break on it otherwise your cuts will be more obvious plus this will save MASSES of time later.
Editing is very quick for me. I use audacity, clean up background noise and use a very quick eq and compression preset. Cut the mistakes etc. If this audio has background sounds this can take me a few hours but most generic single layer hypnosis tracks only take 20 minutes to edit fully. I post immediately on patreon after the edit is done when I can because it's fresh in my head and I can make the CW writing easier (love having a bad memory for things haha).
So to answer the first question, it depends on the project. Sometimes the scripting is hard and fast and recorded in a single day. Sometimes its weeks of thinking, chopping and changing and then recording. I've spent six months on my longest projects because of procrastination but I've also made a lot of audios in hours because the inspiration strikes so there is no rule with how long it takes.
The second quesion. Over production is both easy and hard to do. A lot of the time I notice it in the sound of the recording. Over processing vocals can kill the vibe so I like to take a less is more approach. I'd rather have some road noise and a more raw and real vocal than an overdone one and as a friend of mine recently told me, perfection can be a creative killer.
In terms of overproduction in terms of scripting and timeline, do what feels right for you. There are many times I feel a script could use more pages, and sometimes I add them because it works but if you are struggling to word things or it feels like a chore, that's your instinct telling you it's done or you need to move on and try again later. Again, I'd rather have something shorter and more raw than something that feels like a slog to write and record. Like play with a partner it should feel natural and unrehearsed even Iof you've proofed it again and again.
I will say when you are starting out you will overthink the recordings. You will probably second guess it and judge it harshly and thats okay, but just post it. Sometimes all it takes is one person telling you thats their fave audio to help you gain confidence and make it all worthwhile.
But these are just how I do things and how I feel about creating audio hypnosis recordings. I encourage you and other creators to find what works for you. Maybe scripting isn't your thing, make its meticulously worked and edited, either way its your own.
I can't wait to see what you decide to make!
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new ask game -
💞⭐⚡you have to say 100 different nice things about the person who sent this to you.⚡⭐💞 *none of them can be sarcastic
ok go!
Fine. I'll do it. But disclaimer, just because below this is 100 nice things about @noxturnalpascal it does not make her nice. I am going to expose her for some truly impish behavior.
now for the compliments, since you're twisting my arm.
You are an incredible cat mama.
You're one of the kindest people I've ever known.
I love your sense of humor. It's just like mine kind of but not as good bc I'm the funniest person I know.
Of all the swifties, you are the most tolerable and I have to hand it to you for that.
Every day that I'm your friend is a good day.
You have such a big and beautiful heart.
You're incredibly welcoming.
Your talent in writing is second to none.
With writing, I love your devotion to the craft. Haha, get it? Devotion
You're beyond helpful in helping me with my writing, personal stuff, helpful with others.
You're very generous. You gave me a billion dollars for some artwork and that was really nice.
You have beautiful hair.
You're a fantastic listener.
You give really good advice. When I need a perspective on something, I'll always go to you.
I love your smile.
You make me and others feel valued.
You make me feel motivated.
You're so easy to gang up on and I and others love that about you.
You're supportive.
You have a good attitude about everything.
You make writing look easy!
You're brave.
You're a good problem solver.
You have beautiful tattoos.
You're loving.
I love your creativity.
I think about your newest fic and how creative it became.
What a beautiful little world you made!
You have wonderful ideas in writing and especially smut.
I cannot wait to pick your brain for all that I'm going to write this summer.
You make me feel calm.
You're dependable, and I like knowing you're always there.
You inspire me.
On my worst days, you are one of the best parts.
You're trustworthy. There was that time I accidentally posted my apartment's exact coordinates in a server, and you didn't doxx me. So that was nice I guess.
You're enthusiastic.
You're super fucking smart.
Your have wonderful taste in artwork.
When I stay up too late, you're often there to keep me company.
You seem like someone who wouldn't make me go on a hike.
You're the kind of woman I want to be when I grow up.
You have a such way with words both in your writing and in the way you speak.
You're patient.
You're passionate.
You have a heart of gold. *yes this is different from having a big and beautiful heart.
You're inspiring.
You're a good storyteller.
You're resourceful.
You hook me up with some really good porn gifs for writing inspo.
You're very relatable.
You're always there when I need you.
Your perseverance is admirable.
You have a beautiful spirit.
You're nice to be around.
I love our phone calls where we just silently write together.
You're full of wisdom.
You're a ray of sunshine!
I think you're a blessing to everyone.
You make everyone feel included and worthwhile.
You're a true friend.
And our friendship means the world to me.
You have a nice speaking voice.
You're very genuine.
When I was mad about Pedro losing an Emmy to Kieran, you helped reel me in. Now I'm not so mad about it.
You're probably noticing that I'm repeating myself a bunch but you probably don't mind.
this
You're selfless.
You're beautiful inside and out.
You're a great chef.
You see the best in everyone.
You leave a positive impression on everyone you know.
That's the reason everyone wants to be your friend!
You're a treasure. Like me.
You're so incredibly giving with your time and energy.
You’re compassionate
You're caring.
You're very resilient.
The world is better with you in it.
If I could hug anyone in the world right now it'd be pedro you. i guess
Your spirit is truly beautiful.
You're so incredibly thoughtful.
You have good opinions on just about everything.
You tolerate all of my jokes that are so very bad.
You don't make fun of my green smoothies anymore.
Character development^
Your frankie x stripper reader fic is on my mind CONSTANTLY.
You're not judgmental and I feel safe with you.
You've made a positive difference in my life.
If I were to ever stop writing fic, I think you would still be my friend.
You're good at doing difficult things.
You're very warm, both in your energy and probably your temperature. You do live in *******
If we went to high school together, you would have walked the mile run with me instead of leaving me behind to go run like an asshole. god i hate running.
Back in November I was having a bad day and you knew somehow, and you reached out and made me feel better and that's when I knew I wanted you in my corner.
You say the nicest things about even my most dogshit fics.
Last night you told me you think the world of me and and my writing :')
You're a cat person.
That broccoli cheese soup you made that one time looked really good.
You know I am lactose intolerant and you do your best to stop me from eating cheese and ice cream (i will never). When I am in agony the next morning, you're always sympathetic and patient.
You offer really good feedback on my writing and I think you have helped me improve as a writer so much. And also as a person. I like who I've become since getting to know you.
I'm probably supposed to write something very profound and sappy for #100 but this list has sucked me dry. I just love you a lot.
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Hello! This is incredibly random, but as a fanartist, enjoyer of critically examining media, and critic of capitalist corporations (*cough* Disney), do you have any thoughts about fan art being a form of unpaid labour?
Context is I’m writing an essay about digital labour and how fan creation is basically kind of like free PR for big corporations… and now whenever I do fanart I can’t get that thought out of my head uGH. I want to believe that drawing fanart is my own form of creative expression and way of showing love for the media, but at the same time I’m like “am I being exploited???” since I’m helping advertise smth for free and these corporations are just capitalizing on my love for said media??? and I can’t reconcile these thoughts 🥲🫠
Also I’m struggling with the essay LOL my eventual conclusion is that we as fans do have agency but we kind of still are being exploited… so it’s not a very optimistic outlook haha. Doesn’t help that the scholars’ articles I’m reading are all very negative about this digital labour thing. Help.
Sorry if this is unexpectedly deep!! 😅 just really curious to hear a fellow fanartist’s thoughts, and I respect you a lot for being unafraid to criticize media 🙏🙏
Hi! First of thank you for your kind words~ Second off, what a cool concept to discuss. Your message is pretty much how I feel. It is very frustrating to remember that so much of the media I love is so closely tied to the harmful cycle of capitalism. I grew up in a country that didn't have access to merch or much in the way of official media so piracy was my go-to most of the time. This means I was introduced to the concept of consumerist aspects of fandom via the Internet as a teenager and started feeling bad about "not supporting" stuff I love, but I told myself "Well I pay back by doing fanart and talking about it online". And then I found out about the way capitalism shapes the media landscape and started feeling bad for playing into it, the same as you. It gets even more conflicting when I am talking about something I dislike made by a company I dislike - yeah, I am probably preventing some people from interacting with the media for themselves, but I am also probably making others interested. What makes me feel better about the entire thing is that the "digital labour" I do is that I'm doing it for other fans like me, and to express myself. I love things so much that it makes me feel like I am going to explode, but pouring it out onto paper helps with it! Of course, I don't have to post it online for it to be worthwhile, but sharing it with others who feel the way I do makes the feelings even better. BUT one of the most important aspects of the issue is how willing those companies are to let me gain something monetary from the relationship. Are they ignoring fanworks being sold as fan merch, as commissions? It is illegal, but I feel like it should absolutely be allowed as a sort of unmentioned perk of being a fan worker, and the companies that don't allow that are evil. My audience gets bigger, I sell more prints, and so do they. (This is also why I never accept money for fanworks made by small creators, such as webcomics)
There's also the fact that lately I've been seeing the rise of "If you REALLY love this piece of media, it is your DUTY to consume it as much as possible and spread the word about it as much as possible and make the company as much money as possible if you want to see more things like it!" takes. These are utter bullshit and where enjoyment of media goes to die. The moment you reduce your love for something only to how much money it can make the evil capitalist overlords who allowed it to grace your eyes, you completely deny any kind of artistic worth. Media should exist because we deserve to have our hearts touched by stories, not because it makes someone money.
I don't have a clear answer or feel like my approach to the issue goes entirely along with my morality. But I don't think we can find a way to feel good about the entire situation as long as our media is dictated by capitalism. It's the sad reality of loving something in a system that will squeeze any money out of you that it can. But we gotta march on, remember that we are the ones allowing them to survive and not the other way around, and love while we do it. Good luck with your essay, stay positive!
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I gotta get this off my chest. Am I the only woman who didn't like it? Really???
Here's a spoiler (rant) review, (not) sorry
To start off with, I really appreciate the effort into set design, fashion, music, choreography, casting, all the historical barbie references, how important barbie is to many girls, the nostalgia, HOWEVER....
'It's not meant to be taken seriously!!' The movie preaches about patriarchy and feminism, they literally go to the real world and interact with these real concepts, we are made to sit through feminist speeches about women who hate themselves, how are we not meant to take that seriously?
Fucking hell, I was being whammed on the head with a sledgehammer, the plot can literally be summarised with 'taking down the patriarchy'. And that itself isn't the bad thing, it's how they framed it -
Because just when that plot concept itself became clear, as if I was entirely stupid and needed to be reinformed, they then had several feminist quips and jokes (which can be summarised as 'haha look how women don't have any power in our US centric world view!') and speeches (used as actual plot devices to un-brainwash the barbies once the kens took over) wherein if I was a woman who already fucking hated myself and had no self esteem and hadn't seen any other movie in my life, I would've loved. While I understand many women hate themselves, the fact that there are women who don't hate themselves wasn't acknowledged at all when 'women' is used as a general term.
So guess I'm counted out.
There are scenes where the Ken dolls start enjoying stereotypically guy things like 'watching the godfather' and 'liking trucks' and 'having beers' and putting flatscreen TVs everywhere, and they are also even apparently mansplaining to the barbies. It's portrayed in such a silly way that suggests there is something cringe in real men genuinely liking any of those things. Yes, Ken is silly, but you are now incorporating real things.
I was confused the entire time - what is this supposed to be? A fun silly movie? THEN WHY ARE YOU PREACHING AT ME? WHY. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. DOES BARBIE SEE THE HORRIBLE REAL WORLD AND GO 'yes please I want to be there and find myself'
I'm sorry, what? You literally just established that ken's only role was to be Ken to barbie, and that he had to be himself, but you're saying barbie can't do any of that from barbie land just because she doesn't have a 'role'? THE MAN WHO DID NOT HAVE ANY ROLE EXCEPT TO BE A BARBIE SIMP GOT TO STAY BUT BARBIE BARBIE HAD TO BECOME REAL?
oh yeah and the whole 'become human and feel but also you'll just die at the end' because thanks yeah that's what we all believe right, that death is the end of everything but the pitiful excuse of our lives and ~~~~feelings~~~ makes it worthwhile? You can just tell an existential person wrote this
But also there were the weird metaphysical elements with the literal ghost of the creator of barbie being referred to as 'creator' and that she 'can't control you' so yeah, that perfectly sums up the fucked up theology and how humanity really fucking likes to think of themselves as gods.
'Mustard you're taking this way too seriously!! It's a fun silly movie about pink and clothes and dolls!' THEN WHY WASNT I ALLOWED TO ENJOY IT WITHOUT WATCHING BARBIE BECOME SOME RANDOM HUMAN WOMAN IN THE CHEESIEST FUCKING SEQUENCE???? She wasn't even allowed to be 'my' doll anymore!
'But barbie shouldn't only exist to be yours!' SHE IS A DOLL THAT IS HER PURPOSE
'But barbie never got to choose ken' - she's also a doll (Aka, not real, despite what the movie portrays). She has like, 200 careers. Having a hot boyfriend is not a serious problem. Barbie actually LIKES ken in other Barbie movies, and why would their theoretical doll relationship even exist if she didn't like him? (If you say heteronormativity I will bite you.)
His existential crisis was the problem that led to Kendom, but they did not spend an awful lot of time on his character for that. Barbie is allowed to sledgehammer home the points about women's self esteem and needing being perfect, but you LITERALLY HAVE KEN DOLLS RIGHT THERE being toned and sexy and hot, AND THEY DIDNT GIVE ANY LIP SERVICE TO THAT IN RELATION TO REAL MEN. EVEN ONE LINE. the closest they come is 'you're ken, not 'and ken'. Uhh thanks? If I based my feminism on this (which some people already are) then I wouldn't think men have ANY problems being human beings.
Barbie and Ken don't even end up together! It's not even that, but that they separate them so that they can NEVER be together and maybe I don't know, LEARN to love each other?? Clearly some of the other barbies were still attached to kens after they stopped being brainwashed. Why couldn't our barbie?
So the other problem is the heavy marketing of ken's feelings for barbie (complete with music video) made it seem like a romance. It was not a romance. And I felt like an idiot for expecting a little romance.
It swings from wildly silly to heavy concepts and back within seconds.
'But it's about forced heteronormativity' and 'amatonormativity' *BITES YOU BITES YOU BITES YOU* so it's NOT just a silly movie then? Huh?
WHAT IS THIS MOVIE TRYING TO SAY?
That's its real problem.
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS PINK, BARBIE MOVIE, COULDN’T YOU JUST LET IT BE A FUN MOVIE WITHOUT FORCING ME TO SEE BARBIE BECOME PART OF THIS SO-CALLED TERRIBLE WORLD?
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I felt like writing something a little more ✨introspective✨ than usual, so here we go haha >_<;;
So! This year I was able to release two projects in relatively close succession: Fragile Feelings (1st image; a cute yuri VN about a teacher and a nurse) and With Eyes of Ice (2nd image; a dark otome-inspired VN set in Iceland which has a bunch of pretty boys who Suffer).
Though I released both of these stories in 2023, I actually wrote them all the way back in mid 2020. I wrote them back to back, actually: Fragile Feelings first, and With Eyes of Ice right after.
I liked both scripts a lot, so i decided to turn them both into VNs...
But working on VNs can be pretty difficult, even with very small teams like mine, as the people involved can be busy with other things, priorities change, etc, etc...
And, in the case of With Eyes of Ice, I might've pulled the character artist off the project for 1.5 years to work on a self-indulgent BL VN about my two best boys, Yuel and Tavi, when Eyes of Ice was almost at the end of production hahaha oops.......
I was working on these two VNs on and off for such a long time, I was wondering if I would be able to actually finish them...
So, I'm very relieved that I did get them both done after all, and they both shaped up to be projects I'm proud of! I think everybody involved worked really hard; I love how they both look and sound. The character artists, background artists, UI artists, and composers all worked very hard, and I think these two projects are among the prettiest and most polished I've worked on!
Now, I tend not to talk about the financial side of VN dev too much (because it's not much fun haha), but for all of the money and time invested into these projects, they weren't wholly 'worthwhile' endeavours.
It's too soon to tell with Fragile Feelings, since it literally only just came out, but With Eyes of Ice hasn't really been doing so great sales-wise. It might have something to do with the fact that it's a weird quasi-otome thing which doesn't 100% fit the genre, but it's also prooooobably related to the fact I didn't talk about the story at all until like, 4 months before I'd finished it, despite having been working on it for 3 years already...
Just maybe haha 💦💦
It's always a bit unfortunate when something you sink so much money, time, and love into doesn't get much attention, but that's the reality of VN dev. Making commercial VNs is pretty difficult already, because commissioning all the art + music can be quite pricey, and the sales tend to be rather low.
Profit margins are slim already (and it's not uncommon for devs to fail to turn a profit at all), so I'm not wholly surprised.
It's unfortunate, but I don't regret making With Eyes of Ice. I still love this story and these characters a lot, and I'm glad I stuck with it and finished it, even if it took me a few years! 💪
I'll probably continue to write weird stories which don't necessarily have a lot of appeal in the future, because that's what makes me happy, so I apologise in advance if I put out more stories which aren't too interesting to large swathes of people...
But I'm very grateful for everybody who has offered me their support over the years! Some of my proejcts are successful enough (Blackberry Honey, Sweetest Monster, The Language of Love) that I can afford to invest my time and money into more niche things without having to worry toooo much about turning over a profit.
I wouldn't be able to tell the stories I want to tell without all of you, even if it can take me a while to finish things up, and I'm very appreciative!
I guess that's about it haha 💦💦💦
Thank you! 💙
#text#with eyes of ice#fragile feelings#indiedev#visual novel#but in summary#don't go into vns expecting to make a lot of money#because in most cases#you won't haha#but working on the projects you love can be rewarding regardless#and i feel very blessed i can still devote so much time to telling these silly stories of mine!#i was working on these two projects for A While so#i'm a bit emotional that they're both finally done haha...........
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This was supposed to be a paragraph long shitpost, but it somehow turned into a full blown drabble, which is mind boggling to me how that happened, haha!
It's unedited, so if there's any punctuation or any other sorts of errors it's cause all I did was write it and post it. I normally only ever write from third person so this was quite interesting!
Sitting with A.xlerod in his car after a drive out to who knows where, maybe there wasn't even a destination, and it's dark outside and really late at night and we're parked outside the building to his flat/apartment and I'm sitting there and he knows something is on my mind and the hum of the car still running is audible and he doesn't say anything he just kinda looks over at me concerned and questioning and I know he's looking over at me and I sigh trying to get the sudden weight off my chest but the more I think about it I can just feel it twist and get a bit worse and there's a sudden straining pain the back of my throat for a few split seconds.
I reach my hand over to the side of the seat and pull back on the lever that leans the seat back and I sit there for a few moments laid back a bit. I know he's still looking at me with a concerned look and I take a deep breath as I'm about to say something, just to have all the words taken right back out of me again. I know this feeling, I feel it time and time again, and I know exactly how it makes me feel and yet there's still no label for it. It's too complex.
"Kane?" He quietly calls my name, trying to bring me back to the present. He looks like he wants to ask what's wrong, but he doesn't need to.
I take another deep breath, and end up holding it. Every time I want to speak it just gets lodged up. I can't help but shake my head and ponder at if something happened that made me like this. If somethings happened.
"Miles..?" Was just about all I could get out. I normally don't call him Miles often. I don't know why, I had just gotten into the habit of calling him A.xlerod for some reason.
"Kane?" He said in response.
"Do you..." I had to fight for my words, "Do you ever feel like you can't talk?...Like you can't...speak?"
He was only quiet for a moment, "In what sense?" He asked.
"Like... It's all just nothingness. Weightless." I was trying to analyze the visuals my brain created and communicate it into sensible words, "Like, it just doesn't matter. That it holds the importance of..." I kept having to pause for several moments, my brain just couldn't fathom forming words at the moment.
But he waited. He didn't interrupt and he let me finish my statement, even if it was an empty one.
"Do you think anyone ever thinks about the factory that their T-shirt comes from?" I finally asked.
He looked a little confused at first. But the longer the short silence went on I could see him start to understand.
"Like.. do you think anyone ever really listens to the different noises their oven makes? Thst anyone really cares about hearing their stove turn on? Do you think anyone enjoys hearing their alarms go off?"
He wrapped his arms around his stearing wheel and leaned up against it, looking off into the distance, "I listen."
I don't know why it was surprising for me to hear. I didn't know my eyebrows were furrowed and my lips were tense until my expression loosened and dropped. Do you really? I wanted to ask. But I felt like I'd come off wrong if I said it outloud.
"How many people do you think enjoys hearing their kettle shout at them?" He questioned in response, and I couldn't help but giggle, "I'll always listen, Kane. I'd give you the microphone any day and listen. I want to hear about things that make you jump up and down from excitement and how you don't like the texture of one particular thing. I want to know every little thought that goes on inside your head. And I'll listen to it forever. Everything you say is worthwhile, Kane."
And I couldn't help but feel the corner of my mouth twitch, and the pain in my throat come back, and my breathing get all funny for a moment. And maybe, just maybe, for a moment, my bottom lip trembles and my eyes water up for a moment and I get all solemn. But it was better. It wasn't accompanied by any weight on my chest or like something was gripping at my heart. It felt so much more reliving and fresher, like I could breath easier.
"Miles?"
"Yes, Kane?"
I didn't say anything. Words evaded me once more. But I didn't need words to communicate what I wanted. I reach my hand over to the door and I knew for a fact, that the second I got out this car and he got out and I walked over to him, I was going to squeeze the living daylights out of him. And if it means we topple over and are laying on the pavement, then I'm not getting up until it's all out of my system. And, I think the worst part is, I know he wouldn't mind. I can already picture his iconic smile across his face and him laughing wholeheartedly. He'll probably wrap his arms around me, one in my hair and the other on my back rubbing it, all joyously while he does it.
I don't mind him one bit.
#this somehow turned into like. a borderline drabble??????#this was supposed to be like a 40 second shit post and i got so invested out of nowher3#i was just writing what came off the top of my head and im not bothering with trying to edit and punctuation it like an official story#so if its a bit wonky thats why#i normally write all my fics from third person so this was interestinf#ignore my censoring of the names teehee#so on the bar about censoring the name miles. im so paranoid I will call him miles here and someone will think i mean from spiderverse#no!!! completely different miles#this honestly was supposed to be a paragraph long what on earth happened here#self ship#selfship#selfshipping#self shipping#selfship writing#its taking too many amounts of nerves for me to put this in the selfship tag for some reason
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Notes from 24.3.24
I've been trying to analyze myself and why I got drawn into CA's channel and the group. The logical part of my mind never really believed some of what she talked about; as you know I even left the group at one point as life got really tough and it wasn't serving me. But I came back because I really did hear the group in my mind calling me. I still feel that I know some of you on a soul level. You, K, a few others feel familiar (not Mort though haha). Even if none of this turns out to be real (I never saw any alien ships, I'm still salty about it) I still believe in a HS. Even if none of this is true, part of me that wanted me to follow this road for some reason. Why? What was it?
I never even cared about a recall, tbh. I don't think I ever told anyone in the group this but I took the first two doses of the thing. It wasn't even necessarily that I was scared of getting sick. I just ... didn't care if the thing hurt me. I really, really didn't. I decided to be a willing guinea pig because, if it turned out to be toxic, who cares? I'm ready to go. I felt that way three years ago, and I still feel that way. Sure I have moments of fun on this planet, moments of enjoyment; music and food, cute cat antics, etc. But if I got a bad diagnosis tomorrow and I was given the choice of treatment, I'd likely just say 'no thanks, give me pain pills and leave me alone.' This world is not my home, like they used to say in my church. So many people in the group were worried about whether or not it would hurt people and for me, for myself, I just didn't care in the least. So I took the first two and never got any more. Ironically it was my mom of all people that absolutely refused to take it. It even irritated me at first. She was already in poor health, what did she care? She kept talking about infertility, as if she was in her 30s or something. I'm pretty sure she thought (and still does) that it's the mark of the beast or whatever.
But nevertheless, I took it, and I'm still here, and maybe I've had ill effects (all the heart fluttering? idk) but maybe not. Maybe I've just lived an American life fill of crap food and crap soda and sitting on the couch and now that I'm almost fifty freaking years old, it's caught up with me. Maybe it was all just another one of the stupid endless games my HS plays to keep itself entertained. Similar to the stupid endless stories my mind makes up to keep myself entertained. Because this world is just crap. I've heard spiritual people say 'Oh your HS is thrilled to be here' but I call BS. I can't find joy here. You know with all this free time I have not working (and boy does that trigger some people) I've not done anything worthwhile (and that triggers people even more). My latest idea is I want to start getting into whisky. Such a 3D thing. I mean several of my ancestors were alcoholics so, why is this even crossing my mind? What is my HS playing at?
Did I make the idea of my HS up? Is life here so incredibly intolerable that I created an idea of an HS just to make it more bearable? I don't think I did, I think it's real. And I really don't want to part ways with my HS, I really don't. But for whatever reason it wanted me to believe in what CA was telling us. Even if it turns out to all be a story to entertain us for three years.
Maybe I'm just resisting. IDK. Maybe not. But I can't make any sense of it. All I can do is keep eating, sleeping, doing laundry, all the crap human stuff that I have to do every day. I can't even stop, like I told myself once. I can't stop doing this stuff. I'll need an outside force to stop me. Or what I perceive as one.
IDK. I'm in a mood. Maybe it'll become clear. Maybe not. Maybe this was all an exercise to get me writing, which I'm supposed to be doing anyway according to my QHHT session. Blah.
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Venting, rambling, you know the drill, I'm sure.
I’m scared.
It feels ridiculous to think about when there are so many seismic, life-changing, world-altering events going on in mine and so many other people’s lives. This is all so minor and selfish in comparison.
My aunt abused me for most of the time I lived with her.
Ha… I doubt that’s much of a revelation to a lot of people here but… It’s hard to say. She could have been so much worse than she was. She… Well. Mostly she didn’t like me very much, haha.
It feels small and stupid to complain. But.
She abused me. I was abused.
Nothing I did would ever be right or enough in her eyes. I was ruined and ugly, an expense she’d taken on because nobody else would have bothered. The least I could do was be grateful and try to make myself useful.
When my family and I were attacked, after everything happened… I cracked my head open pretty good. There were concerns that I wouldn’t be… ‘Right’ after. I know I struggled sometimes; I couldn’t always keep the real world separate from my nightmares and I got confused and lost easily for a long while.
It was difficult. And I'm fighting myself even now to not say that it was difficult on her, like it was perfectly fair and normal for me...!
I've never seen her angrier than the night I tried to kill myself. And then we never left again. I couldn't be trusted to take care of myself and not to abandon her. She hated me so much, haha!
I want to be better than she was.
I don’t know where to start.
I thought maybe I had an idea once, and I thought I was doing the right things. But. I don’t know. Everything ended so badly, and I still can’t identify what I should have done better to even begin trying to fix myself.
So... I'm scared.
I don't want to be looked at the way he did the last saw him by anyone I love ever again. I don't want to be caught up in this cycle I've ended up in. I want to be able to promise something worthwhile if... if my family ever wants something more. If 'family' is even what anyone wants.
But wanting to break the cycle isn't enough. Loving someone isn't enough. And if I ever let myself think that maybe something is enough, then I'm probably ignoring something important and I'm going to fuck it all up again.
I don't know how to begin patching holes I can't even see.
I don't know where I'm going with any of this either. Ha.
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