tamias

[tamias]

[tamias]

Can shitty white men sgop? Stop talking??????? Hahahahshdhdhs please!!! I know you know what yeast is for ducks sake your “pun” isn’t a pun relax

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At the vet, and the people who work here cannot stand my mom. It’s so humiliating and obvious with how they talk to her. It sucks. Like, she kept knocking on the glass (we can’t go in because of covid). There’s signs saying to call them and they’ll come out and get your dog. She just kept knocking on the glass. There’s 3 signs saying so. I’m just. It’s so embarrassing

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i am feeling... a little tired. extremely anxious. all the time.i constantly feel like im flight or fight response. my mom doesn't know what shes doing and doesn't prioritize us, rather the house and the tenants. i have to literally feed her information and tell her to take initiative with our sweet pet dog. it's not just me who is his owner. but i do most of the loving, the caring, the spending time with him now that i'm older. she doesnt really care for him too much and the sight of him tires her. i have to tell her to wake up and pay attention if he's not feeling right or acting like himself. she'll only start when i walk into the room and tell her. it's like i have to spell things out for her. the only reason why our pet has cushings disease is because i was the one who noted it first, i pushed for him to get checked out, i had to fucking beg and convince her to. i don't go to the grooming appointments and vet appointments and i feel so hypocritical for that. but i push for them alot now that i'm more aware of how things are and how mnuch i can do now that i'm older. and i don't go to these appointments because unfortunately, i have severe anxiety from past experiences with her. she always made them a very big deal. i'd just feel bad for everything. i can't specifically put a name on what, but i can't even go grocery shopping with her. a car ride is excruciating enough. i'm just so stressed out. something is wrong with my dog and i'm trying my best to be responsible and vigilant and do what i can. i dont think it's enough, im a hypocrite. im a scaredy-cat, coward. i'm such a bad dog mom. i can barely fucking make enough money to get out of the house. are my meds even working? fuck. writing things down makes it better, they say. okay. i don't feel any better. i feel so tired of existing. i feel exhausted. as bad as it is, im not ready to have a sleepover with my niece this weekend. i'm so exhausted. im not a full time job person, or a mother, or anyone remotely hardworking. but mentally i fucking can't. im always so overly aware of my environment that my brain can't fucking deal and disassociates and im so tired. i want to move out so bad. i dream of having my own place. everything i do, my mother very subtle-y blames me or makes me feel bad for things out of my control. going to the doctor's with her yesterday when i didn't feel well-- first of all i had no idea you had a doctor's appointment. so how was i supposed to know, to take that initiative? why say something nice to me, and then call me lazy? why tell the dog, too, what's wrong with him, in the same breath as saying something nice about him? why do you do this to us? everyone feels bad for me that i live with you. that it's enough emotional stress. i feel like im under a high stress situation all the time in my head, and in my body. my heart beats a mile a minute, and my head feels like i'm sprinting on a hamster wheel and it's caught on fire and i still have to run. just absolute flight-orfight response, just pure stress. my head feels like theres so much pressure i want to pop.

i want to move out so bad. to make more money. but i am exhausted living here. no one fucking understands. no one gives me a chance. i'm so mad at the world. there's so much fucking drama right now with family and friends. i am fucking exhausted. things just keep getting harder and harder. people are making money, to live on their own, and are getting their dream jobs.

i am not hard working. my mother makes me believe i cannot achieve normal things people do. i probably can't keep a place of my own clean, anyway. but who knows? if i get out of this debilitating environment, maybe i'll have the energy to. i will not get a job and i will not have a career. my boyfriend will leave me and have a happy life he deserves. everyone would have a better life without me. my dog would not have to live with us because i wanted him-- he'd probably end up in a happy stable home if we didn't take him from the breeders 15 years ago.

theres always a voice in my head telling me none of this is worth it, it's all a joke, a big practical joke. like having hope is stupid. the voice just kind of goes-- this is your life. you are stuck here. there's no future. this is your life. you are a joke. it feels like embarrassment, and shame at having hope.

i dunno. i don't know if i feel better after writing this. i just want money, and to get away. im so hurt and tired. i just want things to get better. i wish i could focus on myself more and my work. i wish i wasn't so affected by my shitty mother and her behaviour. but it's a huge root in what's making me so dysfunctional. she acts aloof and acts cold and sad when i tell her to fucking wake up and do things. it stresses me out that im almost the one to remind her. i feel bad for reminding her. i shouldnt feel bad. teddy has a hair appointment at 8am on april 1. after i kept asking for her to please book a grooming appointment. and she said you better wake up. as if it was a punishment. no. its just something we have to do. stop making it something that makes me feel bad or i should learn a lesson from. today i ask her to please make a vet appointment. she said okay in a very guilt-inducing (in me) voice, quietly, not making eye contact, leaving the room and going up to bed. fuck you mom. you are the absolute fucking worst. you've done some great things. but at the end of the day, you're still you. a dumbass. a bitch. you will never change your ways and i will try my best to protect myself from you. you suck the life out of me. you drain me. my fuse is cut so short. any happiness i have, any willingness i have to have an actual conversation, to talk about responsibilities with our pet, you make me feel inferior. you make me feel less than. because of your own insecurities. you make me feel BAD for everything I do. because you are insecure. because you shift the blame. you have never done anything wrong in your LIFE. i am tired of you. i am on some days, tired of having a dog and it makes me upset because it shouldn't make me this fucking tired. i am tired of hearing your loud, ugly squawk and moan all day long. you are loud, you are disgusting, you are selfish, you are mean. you are a classic mentally ill narcissist and i hope you realize how much you've fucked up. all of that was mean, and i don't truly mean it. but it's the anger i feel on a daily basis. the reason why i have trouble falling asleep at night is because i dont get a moment of silence or peace to myself. the dog will constantly be awake at night sometimes. its hard to get him to sleep some nights. i will be stressed out forever. i am stressed out so much and it stays in my body for days and nights. i dont know. i just want a moment of peace. an escape. freedom. i deserve freedom.

[tamias]

Why can’t I talk to people!!!!! In public!!! Like my neighbours! Huh? Why not lol

Literally I don’t even know what to say but it’s okay she’s not thinking about me. She’s thinking about her pets and hopefully I did a good job. I tried my best to talk to her I just woke up so I have to give myself a break

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TW: animal death

This topic was requested soooo many times, but this one broke me. As a dog owner, this was terrible to draw (and took me way too long) .__.

[tamias]

Okay can I just get a new family? Everyone. Like a family that supports each other and makes me feel like my feelings are valid. And doesn’t blame me or talk down to me. And then doesn’t ignore me when I bring something up and try to speak up for myself. Stop repeating the shit you did to me as a kid. You constantly made me feel and make me do feel like shit. I’m trying my best and you don’t know what it’s like here. You make me feel like nothing, too.

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why am I the worst person alive

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Can I just die

Like I’m a fucking idiot standing up for myself is such a mistake she’s gonna just hang me up to dry and rip me to shreds

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nothings worse than dealing with a shitty illustration client. they tell you one thing and then when you show them the finished product, they say they love it but ACTUALLY nevermind! want something else. when they specifically said do what you want but do it in the same vein of another type of illustration you did in the past and SHOW YOU EXAMPLES and now its like nevermind!!!!!! slkdjflsdkjflskdjf im so fucking can i become a janitor

no one cares about how frustrating this is and how long it takes!

#personal #illustration

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so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

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I’m really surprised at how much people trash on the Total Drama style and designs because it seriously has one of the most impressive ranges of female characters I’ve ever seen in any cartoon in my life.

Not a single one of these girls looks too much like another (aside from the identical twins).

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Hace unos dias vi una serie de gifs de Marie Kondo explicando que a la hora de ordenar nuestra ropa debemos elegir la que nos produce felicidad, y para no sentirnos mal por la ropa que queremos botar, agradecer el tiempo que estuvo esa prenda estuvo con nosotros y dejarla ir..

Esto me llamo la atención y luego en Netflix descubri que habia una serie de ella, donde va a casas de personas y las ayuda a organizar. Me gusto su método y quise compartir algunos de sus consejos con ustedes. Quien sabe. Siempre se aprende algo 😉

[tamias]

Happiness Will Come To You.

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small ideas to adopt

drink more water - I know everyone goes on about it but i honestly don’t drink enough

meditate - try apps like ‘stop breathe think’ or headspace

change your sheets/make your bed

stretch or workout - just move your muscles tbh

get some sunlight

listen to some new music

get dressed - even if you’re not going out

journal

pay attention to what you’re eating

look people in the eye - it gets easier with practice

wear suncream

pack your bag the night before

aim for 8 hours sleep

reply to texts/emails you’ve been ignoring

compliment others - also accept compliments

read more and read widely

MOISTURIZE - especially in winter

This is mainly a reminder to myself tbh