theillusionofcontrol

[theillusionofcontrol]

I Am A Willing Victim

Looking for a cavern A place where she can stay "Hello." I pulled out an earbud and looked up from my book. Staring back at me was a grinning woman. Her long brunette hair was braided over her shoulder, her brown eyes were big and shiny, her lips were pink and full. In short, she was beautiful. I closed my book. "H-hi?" She giggled, I blushed. When she leaves obsessed to make her way to me "I couldn't help but notice you from across the room. You know, you're very cute." I blushed deeper, flabbergasted. She just smiled once more, holding out her hand. "Give me your number, I'd like to get to know you better." I handed her my phone. When I got it back, I had a new contact: ♥Kaitie♥ Needless to say, I was excited. Because it's getting to the time when she will need to feed and We moved in together after two months and had a shared bank account. We got a puppy after three months. We didn't know a lot about each other, but I knew she loved me. I knew I loved her. I'd do anything for her. Give her anything she asked. Pamper her and cook for her when she'd come home from a long day of work. I didn't mind that we didn't go out on dates as much as we used to. She was tired, she didn't wanna go out. I am the willing victim of a cannibal "You should quit your job, work from home." I paused washing the plate in my hand and spun. She looked so serious and tired, I couldn't bear to argue. "Okay." She rips out my bones just like I'm an animal "God, this spaghetti is disgusting. You add too much salt." I swallowed my forkful of noodles. "I tried to make it the way you like it-" Katie raised her voice slightly, I shrank myself so as to not provoke her. "You'd think that you'd be better at cooking, given that you don't even work anymore. I do so much to provide for us, and I come home from a long day of work. Only to be served oversalted spaghetti." I held back tears. "I'm sorry." She sighed and dropped her fork loudly on her plate. I flinched. She stood from her chair. "Whatever, I'm going to bed." And right when I'm feeling like my blood is drained "I'm not gonna be treated like this anymore. I'm breaking up with her." My closest friend, Bradly, smiled and rubbed my shoulder. "Good on you. This is a good thing, Taylor." I nodded. She calls it a game I closed the front door, back from meeting Bradly. Katie stood from where she was seated on the couch. She fidgeted slightly. I crossed my arms, trying to be stern. I was gonna break up with her. I was gonna do it. "I'm sorry." I was shocked. I'd never heard her sound so remorseful and sad. I surged forward and engulfed her in a warm hug. As she sobbed, I whispered into her dark hair. "It's okay. I forgive you. I'm sorry too, I know how hard it is for you. I'll try harder." But the wound that she leaves is unmistakable I held my phone against my cheek, nervous. "Yeah, sorry I can't go to your party. I'm working on my spaghetti recipe." Bradly chuckled through the receiver. "You're working on your spaghetti recipe? Why? Your spaghetti is legendary. I have dreams about that spaghetti." I laughed tiredly. I spoke in a small voice because I knew Katie was in the other room. "Katie didn't like it, so I have to fix it, okay?" Bradly stopped chuckling. "Katie? But I thought you were gonna-" "I know, I know. I just- She's going through a tough time, I can't just leave her." Bradly was quiet for a moment. He sighed. "Just... make sure to leave her if you ever feel uncomfortable. You can always stay at my place, you know." I sighed, not bothering to explain to him again why I had to stay. I'd been doing that for the last two months. "Okay, I know. I'll talk to you later, I really do wanna work on my recipe." I am not the only one that she has come to see Dig up the skeletons of men who thought that they would be the One like me Like they could be the ones to make her believe I untied my apron, exhausted from cooking all day. The front door burst open. The sound of giggling traveled into the kitchen. Intrigued, I walked into the foyer. Katie had her arms wrapped around the neck of a rather tall man. I shifted nervously, waiting for her to introduce us. Eventually, they noticed me and separated themselves from each other. Katie took a step forward, dragging the man with her. "Taylor, this is my... good friend Garret. Garret, this is who I was telling you about." Garret held out his large hand, I took it tentatively. "It's a pleasure to meet you." His voice was deep and smooth and... attractive. I gulped down my jealousy and smiled. "Likewise." After exchanging pleasantries we all sat down at the dinner table to eat the brisket I'd been barbequing. They talked about all the antics they got up to. I didn't talk much, content with just listening. "I need to go to the little ladies room, you two get along." Garret just laughed, I chuckled nervously. I shoveled some more meat into my mouth just to busy myself. All the while, Garret gazed at me like I was a zoo animal. After a moment or two, he leaned across the table and smiled kind of timidly. "So... how do you do it?" I tilted my head questioningly, still chewing. He just laughed again, this time a little tenser. "I mean, how do you deal with her all the time? When Katie and I were dating, she tried to dictate everything in my life and force all my friends away and whatnot. She was super controlling and her mood swings were off the fritz. She over-criticized everything I did and judged me immensely.  So, how do you do it? What are you doing that I didn't do?" I just gulped and chuckled nervously. I rubbed the back of my neck and avoided his gaze. "Oh, well... she's not like that with me. She must've changed a bit since the last time you two talked." Garret just leaned back and took a sip from his drink. "She must've." Before I could reply, Katie came back from the restroom. But for now, I waved goodbye to Garret. He had slipped his contact in my phone when Katie was looking for wine. He told me to call him if Katie did anything. My phone weighed me down with guilt. The contact was burning me. "Oh, babe." Katie glanced up from the television before going back to her show. "What?" "Garret gave me his number." I winced, that sounded so much worse than I wanted it so sound. Now, she's gonna get mad. She's gonna break up with me. She's gonna leave me. Like I deserve. Like the trash I am. "...Delete it." I am the willing victim of a cannibal "I don't want you talking to Bradly anymore. He's always getting into bad stuff. I just think he's a bad influence on you." I was confused. "That's not true. Bradly's a lawyer. He never gets into bad stuff. What are you talking about?" She fumed. "Look, just- I don't like him. So you have to ask yourself who you love more, me or him? Because if it's him, there's the door." She pointed at the door. I furrowed my eyebrows. Bradly and I had been friends for years. He's always been there for me. But now, Katie was there for me. I didn't need him. I nodded sadly. "I- I love you more." Katie dropped her hand that was pointing to the door and crossed her arms. "Good. Now go tell him that." She rips out my bones just like I'm an animal "What?" Bradly's voice rang through the phone, clear as a bell. I choke down tears and try to sound stern. "I-I I don't-" Katie grows tired of my stuttering and snatched my phone out of my hands. "He doesn't wanna be friends with you anymore! Leave us alone! If I ever see your face here again, I'm calling the cops!" With that, she hung up and threw my phone onto the mattress. And right when I'm feeling like my blood is drained She reached over to give me a kiss. I flinch away from her. She calls it a game "What's wrong, babe? I'm doing this for us. This is a good thing." But the wound that she leaves is unmistakable I looked up at her. She seemed so genuine. She was doing this for us, so I could focus more on our relationship. I gulped and forced a smile. "Nothing's wrong." She smiled and kissed me, wrapping her arms around my neck. Hiding in corners disguised She's a phantom, a glimmer inside We had dinner parties where she'd invite all of her good... friends. She acted like she was so in love with me, at least in front of them. She obviously didn't wanna worry any of her friends about her problems. Those were good nights. Filled with easy smiles and lots of laughter. She keeps on feeding while I am conceding She stood abruptly, knocking over her chair. I jumped and cowered in my seat. She stomped to the foyer and threw the door open wide. "W-where are you going?" I let out softly. "Away from you." She slammed the door so hard, a picture frame was knocked off the wall. I held my head in my hands and cried, trying to think of what I did to make her feel this way. I wished I could call Bradly, but he'd never forgive me. How could he? I blocked his number. So please won't you tear me open wide I didn't sleep that night. I sat on the couch in the living room and waited for her to come back. When she did come back, she seemed... not right. She noticed me sitting on the couch and jumped slightly. "What're you doing out here? Were you waiting for me?" I nodded slowly. She burst into tears and ran over to hug me. "Oh, I'm so sorry. This won't happen ever again. Please forgive me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I sank into her abdomen. "Of course, I forgive you. You were clearly upset." I am the willing victim of a cannibal "God, you're useless!" She rips out my bones just like I'm an animal "I hate you! You mean nothing to me!" And right when I'm feeling like my blood is drained I sat on the floor of my ruined bedroom. Sheets were ruffled, pillows were thrown, picture frames were broken. I curled up into a ball and cried my heart out. She calls it a game "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. I promise I won't do this again. It's just- you know how hard it is for me." But the wound that she leaves is unmistakable I didn't bother hugging her back. I sat, apathetic, in her embrace and whispered hoarsely. "It's fine, I forgive you."

#tw: abuse #tw: bad mental health #tally hall #cannibal by tally hall #cannibal #by tally hall #i love this song so fucking much #i love the band too #this is the second piece i've written based on a song by them #so give them a listen #aight?

[theillusionofcontrol]

aaahhh haaa

i've gotten into the habit of posting random weirdly emotional writing pieces at midnight one am two am three am maybe four am if i can still feel my fingers there's something strangely addicting to that feeling you get when you're too tired to fall asleep and it's like you've ascended you're no longer a part of the mortal realm you're floating you're dreaming you're not sure whether you exist or not what's always fun is laying in silence after staring off into space for the past thirty minutes and randomly getting a song stuck in your head and in a burst of energy you jolt up plug in your headphones and listen to the song and then that song is the only thing you feel the singer's voice is clear as a bell and you can't tell whether you're dancing or flailing because that song gives you such a feeling and it's three am and you're tired and you don't want to think about anything you just wanna listen to your song and move to the beat

#tw: insomnia #tw: delirium #hi i'm ryan and my life is pretty crazy

[theillusionofcontrol]

i prefer rain

as i walked out of my school i braced myself for what was to come before i even came out from under the shade i was already blinded by the glaring sun it's harsh light attacked my eyes my face my shoulders the humid air invaded my clothes making me sweat the walk home takes around an hour i attempted to put on music but i could barely see the screen of my phone at the time it was february it only gets worse from there

#hi i'm ryan and my life is pretty crazy #i live in yee-haw land #so it's pretty fucking hot #and i hate it

[theillusionofcontrol]

Dominic Costard

Ugh my head Actually no- not my head my entire body I feel like an elephant sat on my chest and then stood up to then jump up and down over and over on my limp body I'm pretty sure my ribs are broken and stabbing my internal organs I should open my eyes I really should but for some reason there are two sides of me one of them wants me to open my eyes while the other one wants me to... to to play dead? Excuse me? I am not a ferret! or is it possum? well whatever I'm not playing dead I'm opening my eyes- Jesus, it's bright Where is that light coming from? Surely it's the sun Right? Am I outside? I'll risk blindness for more information- No I won't, who am I trying to impress? Wait... Can I move? my toes can wriggle my hands can clench and unclench my- Ugh my headache doesn't take well to being ignored Okay, Dom look on the bright side you can move your arm Oh! and your legs you're already two steps closer to figuring out what the hell happened to you all you've got to do is Open your eyes- Okay, maybe don't do the exact thing you did last time that led to tremendous eye pain and a worse-off headache Maybe this time cover your eyes give yourself time to adjust, Dom Okay good this is good I'm making progress Now let's try sitting up- nope nope nope nope I'm gonna stay on the ground for a while I still think my ribs are broken and currently stabbing my vital organs Maybe I can roll over? To get this light out of my face? Oh, no Oh, hell no Trying to roll was somehow worse I need to move I need to get out I need to uncover my eyes Come on, Dom it's like two seconds of pain and then you'll be granted your sight back Okay okay okay okay Slowly- Oh, sweet Jesus that hurts everything is yellow blobs just... keep rapidly blinking keep rapidly blinking until you can see! Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Where am I? What am I laying on? It's so cold here. How have I not realized yet? It's freezing. Shivering and rubbing my goosebumps that's a good temporary solution I'm numb my fingers are numb probably because it's so cold Where am I? It's cold and wet and I'm pretty sure my back is frozen can I still wiggle my toes? kind of I can't feel them anymore, but I see them They're so cold, they're burning like I've stepped into a frozen fire Oh, my headache stopped that's good that's one less thing to worry about I need to sit up I need to sit up I don't want to feel it again ​I can't I can't try again I can't do it ​ But I have to I'll freeze to death before I find out where I am unless I push through the pain The worst that can happen isanear-instantaneousdeathduetomassivebloodlossthroughoutmyorgansystem It'll be fine I'll be fine. Deep breaths but not too deep because that would just make it hurt more In and out in and out in and out in and out in and out- It's okay You're okay I'm okay I survived. Just keep breathing, Dom. Lower your heart rate. Everything is going to be okay You don't know where you are you don't know what happened to you where your phone is how to get back if anyone even noticed you're gone- But it'll work itself out. It has to. Oh, goodie the headache's back! Deep breaths, Dom. I've made progress lots of progress good progress I can do this I can figure out what's going on Don'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcry- but it hurts- but tears will only make your face freeze faster Suck it up, Dom. check for wounds you already feel like you've been stabbed might as well confirm it... Where's my shirt? nevermind that my abdomen is purple and black Then why can't I feel anything? oh right it's cold and my body went numb But in my stomach area? Isn't that supposed to be the part least likely to go numb from the cold? Then again, I know next to nothing about that kind of stuff. I'm so confused- No don't let yourself be confused if you're looking for an answer and you search hard enough you'll find it You've thoroughly examined yourself, Dom. Suck it up and examine your surroundings Don't be scared- even though it could be anything a crackhouse an abandoned alley-way one of those giant refrigerators at the butchers anything is possible Open your eyes, Dom, all the way. Oh my g- In and out, Dom You can't afford a freakout don't hyperventilate- Don't cry either! It's not hopeless- "Yes, it is!" might wanna massage your throat after that outburst your tongue isn't dry so you're not dehydrated I think the acoustics in this room are phenomenal is it the wallpaper? zoo animals? Is that what made my voice echo back to me ? I think it's time for a nap I'm I'm tired I don't know why I said it was bright before it's actually quite dark

#will i ever finish this #no #yes #he was kidnapped #that's all i can tell you tho #because i didn't #and still don't #have a plan for this #anyway #hi i'm ryan and my life is pretty crazy

[theillusionofcontrol]

an excerpt from a story i’ll never write

“Alright, alright. I'll be there in a second," Frank muttered to himself as he walked to answer the door. Someone had been ringing the doorbell for the past two minutes while he tried to convince himself that if he stayed quiet enough they would give up and leave. It's been a busy day for Frank, he's been rewashing the sheets for his bed in hopes of increasing the softness. Everything just feels scratchy and wrong. His whole life had to change now but he was in a state of denial. Frank just wants some normalcy back, can you blame him? Frank opened the door and there he was, standing on the front porch, looking like death; Victor. He didn't bother trying to slam the door; he knew this was coming and he just wanted to get it over with. "Victor." "Frankie," he shifted nervously, his eyes wide like he didn't expect Frank to open the door. "What do you want, Vick?" Frank leaned on the doorway, crossing his arms. He needed to get this inevitable conversation out of the way so he could go back to pretending to be productive. "I... I wanted to see you," the thing that ticked off Frank the most was that he could tell by Victor's expression, he meant it. Why couldn't he make it easier for Frank to hate him? Why did he have to come here looking like a kicked puppy? Why did Frank want to forgive him? They stood in silence for a few beats. Frank took a breath and sighed. "You know, every day for the past five years of my life, I woke up in his arms. Without fail. He was always there for me. And I guess I just- I got used to it. It became my normal. My routine. I never realized that it was a gift. Every moment we spent together was precious. I love him and I will keep loving him now and forever. And I will keep missing him every painful day after today when I have to go on with living without him here. My bed will always feel empty without him in it." He looked at Victor shifting on his feet, gaze on the ground and furrowed his eyebrows, "And that's all because of you. Of course, I love you and I miss you," Victor looked up, his eyes shining with hope. "But you're the reason why Henry is dead," now dread. "You could've stopped this, but you didn't. And for that, I can never forgive you. So this is my goodbye to you. I'll miss my best friend-" "I am right here, Fran. Your best friend is right here." "No, actually. My best friend is buried six feet underground in a casket," his voice broke. He closed his eyes and sighed, "Goodbye, Victor." "Frankie, wait-" He caught the door as it was about to shut and swung it open. Frank grabbed Victor's shoulders and clenched them tightly, "No! I am so sick of crying and getting upset and yelling at you. You killed Henry. You may not have pulled the trigger but you knew when it was going to happen and who was going to do it." He laughed bitterly, "And you claim to be so torn up over his death yet you still refuse to tell the police anything." He took a shuddered breath and released Victor's shoulders, "I... I don't wanna argue and fight anymore. I'm tired, Vickie. I haven't slept in weeks. I just don't have the capacity to listen to you make excuses about how you couldn't do anything to stop the shooter. I'm done with you and I'm done with everyone," That's when Victor started crying too, "Leave me alone or I'm calling the police." Victor's eyes widened. He lunged for Frank, trying to hold onto him but Frank just shoved him backward and slammed the door. Victor threw himself against it, he pressed his face up against it and banged hard on its surface, shouting at the top of his lungs. His vision clouded with tears as he desperately tried to open the door. He gripped the doorknob tightly, "Wait, Fran! W-wait! Please! Let me explain- I'll talk to the police but they won't believe me! Please, Frankie. Please don't say goodbye to me. Please don't leave me," he crumbled to the ground in defeat. "I already lost Henry-" With that, Frank opened the door in a blind rage, sending Victor backward. He stomped over and picked him up by his shirt, faces two inches apart as he roared, "No. No! You do not get to be sad! You don't get to mourn! As far as I'm concerned, you wanted him dead! Get off my porch and out of my life! I don't wanna see your face again!" He shoved him back down unto the ground and clenched his fists. Victor shot up on his feet and made it inside the house before Frank had a chance to slam the door. Frank crossed his arms. "Get out of my house-" "You're not the only one who misses him-" "YOU KILLED HIM!" They stared silently for a moment. Victor was frozen, staring at Frank like he didn't know what was real anymore. Then suddenly, Frank looked a decade older. "Just- just leave." Never in his life had he seen Frank look so defeated, not even at the funeral. He looked like there was no point in living anymore. Victor moved to comfort Frank. They'd been friends their entire lives; it was pure instinct. Frank evaded Victor's open arms and hugged himself. Both of their cheeks were wet with tears but Frank's constant stream seemed to finally be drying out. "Fran-" Frank said nothing as he opened the door and gestured outside, his eyes lacking any hew. "Please, just leave." Victor silently complied, walking out the door without so much as a gesture. But when he got in his car and cast a glance to the once lively house, he couldn't help but sigh. ​Then he drove away. 

#feel free to write the rest #i don't really care #just like... credit me #and let me know #cuz it'd be weird #if you just like #took credit #for something i wrote and came up with #tw: death #damn i write about death a lot don't i #tw: mourning

[theillusionofcontrol]

proKrastinating insomniaX

You know what I should be doing? Sleeping. You know what I'm not doing...? You know what I should be doing? My school work. You know what I'm not doing...?

#hi i'm ryan and my life is pretty crazy

[theillusionofcontrol]

.Hopeless am I

Isn't it absurd how everyone overlooks the "hopeless" in Hopeless Romantic? I call myself Hopeless Romantic because I am in love and I am without hope You are not meant to swoon when I state my name You are not meant to sigh dreamily I call myself Hopeless Romantic because my love will never be returned I gave them my heart and they sneered at me they tore me up they broke me they threw me out My love is hopeless I am without hope I am filled with yearning I am filled with love So much love too much love I am overflowing because nobody wants it nobody wants me Certainly not them they're disgusted by me my heart my love All of me is theirs and they don't intend on giving it back And so there is no hope for me I am Hopeless Romantic Hopeless Romantic is me. 

#look at me #acting like i know things #just because #i'm sad #and gay #also #the title bothers me too #that was the point #i still hate typing it tho

[theillusionofcontrol]

the most comforting place on the planet

the most comforting place on the planet flowers bend in the wind rabbits come out to play butterflies flutter a hair above your nose the sky tremendously blue the clouds sifting over the sun in a grey film you close your eyes it smells of spring it feels of the blanket underneath you you are empty your mind is blank you are at peace the hours pass by the sun grows tired and golden hour approaches the sky paints itself pink, purple, orange but still so blue the wind blows cooler the rabbits go to sleep the fireflies start to glow you hear them buzzing you heave a sigh the stars burn ever so brightly all waiting for compliments you find them all beautiful so you refrain from giving any the Moonman stares at you from his place in the sky he asks why you haven't gone to sleep like the butterflies and the rabbits you tell him the day has just begun he doesn't understand you close your eyes again it smells the same the flowers are still lovely it feels the same the blanket is still soft night is day you are at peace

#cough cough

[theillusionofcontrol]

my poor mental health is a problem... surprise???

I'm so sick of blaming depression. I'm so sick of blaming anxiety. But what else can I do? Where else would these issues come from? This constant p a r a n o i a? My fear of abandonment? My fear of showing any emotions? My fear of everything, all the time? Everyday I wake up and trudge through molasses and ignore anything real. I hate that I can't live my life without being scared of life. Everyone is going through something, I'm not special. You think I don't know that? I just need (everyone) to stop normalizing anxiety, depression, whatever. It's a burden. it's a problem. It's not something I can just "get over" I'm sorry.

#tw: depression #tw: anxiety #i wrote this after a mental breakdown #and it shows

[theillusionofcontrol]

Choose Wisely

(Darkness. Heavy breathing plays overhead, gradually increasing in volume. A car horn sounds in the distance. ROWAN appears, looking disheveled and confused.) ROWAN. Huh? What? What's going on? Where am I? VOICE 1. Good evening, Rowan. How was your trip? We tried to make your journey here as comfortable as possible. ROWAN. Who are you? Where is that coming from? What have you done with me? VOICE 1. We understand that you may be slightly distressed but please refrain from asking your questions until the end. ROWAN. Wha- VOICE 1. Thank you and welcome to The Great Beyond. (The lights cut out on ROWAN again, leaving him in darkness.) ROWAN. Hey! Where are you going?! Where am I?! What's going on?! VOICE 2. Good evening, Rowan. How was your trip? We tried to make your journey here as comfortable as possible. ROWAN. What? VOICE 2. We understand that you may be slightly distressed but please refrain from asking your questions until the end. ROWAN. (under his breath) What is going on? VOICE 2. Thank you and welcome to The Great Beyond. (The lights flicker slightly.) VOICE 3. Good evening, Rowan. How was your trip? We tried to make your journey here as comfortable as possible. ROWAN. God, we've been through this already! Tell me what's going on! Now! VOICE 3. We understand that you may be slightly distressed but please refrain from asking your questions until the end. ROWAN. (overlapping) -But please refrain from asking your questions until the end. I get it! What are you waiting for?! When is this going to end?! (The lights flicker repeatedly. Heaving breathing plays overhead, gradually increasing. ROWAN screams. The lights suddenly turn on, revealing a blank room with a desk and chair. ROWAN stands in the middle, BRENDA sits in the chair, filing her nails. ROWAN notices.) ROWAN. When is somebody gonna tell me what the hell's been going on? BRENDA. (puts down the nail filer, crosses her arms) Right now, if you can stop being so hostile. ROWAN. Sorry. BRENDA. It's alright. We've been meaning to get that malfunctioning system fixed for eons. Think of it as a right of passage. Everyone except for the higher-ups has had to deal with that anxiety-inducing introduction to the afterlife. ROWAN. (raises his eyebrows, widens his eyes) Afterlife? Am I dead? BRENDA. 'Fraid so. ROWAN. How could this happen? I was healthy. BRENDA. (sympathetic) I know, I read your file. Look, Rowan, accidents happen every day- ROWAN. (folds in on himself, lowers his head) I know that. I just... never thought it'd happen to me. (BRENDA stands, walks to ROWAN and pats his shoulder.) BRENDA. No one does. ROWAN. (sighs, turns towards BRENDA) Are you going to tell me what's going on, now? BRENDA. (nods)  After someone dies, they have to choose between becoming a Reaper, Ghost, Reincarnated, or Cupid. ROWEN. What does that mean? BRENDA. (chuckling slightly) I know you're probably sick of hearing this by now but please wait until the end to ask your questions. ROWEN. Right. Sorry. (BRENDA walks back to the chair and sits, crossing her legs. She picks up the nail file again and gestures with it.) BRENDA. I recommend you choose wisely because you only get to do so every hundred years. I'll give you a rundown of every job: Reapers used to guide lost souls to the center of all afterlife activity, The Tucasc. That is where you are currently. But we've developed a far more evolved system that does the job for us. What we do now is help the new souls adjust to their afterlife and inform them of their options. It's a hard job with little pay-off, I can say that from experience. (ROWEN leans on the desk next to the chair and crosses his arms.) ROWEN. You're a Reaper? BRENDA. (files her nails) What? I don't look the part? ROWEN. (rubs the back of his neck, sheepishly) Not really. BRENDA. That's because we're no longer required to wear those heavy robes. We can just wear business attire. Now, I am required to tell you the only real benefit of choosing this job: meeting new people every day and hearing their stories. It's quite entertaining. ROWEN. (furrows his eyebrows) And the drawbacks? BRENDA. (counts on her fingers as she lists) 24-hour workdays, no vacations for a hundred years, and well... meeting new people every day and hearing their stories. ROWEN. (sits fully on the desk) How is that also a drawback? BRENDA. (wryly) Imagine having to act kind towards a Nazi. ROWEN. Oh. BRENDA. (smacks her lips and continues filing her nails) Onto the second job. Ghosts haunt the living. The higher-ups didn't add this one as an option until there were too many incidents with vindictive spirits. Ghosts are... unnecessary in every way but it is in our nature as humans to not want to let go of the past. Haunting requires minimal training, it's mostly there to teach the newly deceased our rules at the Tucasc along with the guidelines for interacting with the Living. ROWEN. (nods slowly) I assume no murder. BRENDA. You have to get a permit for that. (ROWEN chuckles.) BRENDA. I'm not joking. When you've been dead for more than a thousand years, you tend to forget the value of life. This leads to the higher-ups approving of things they really shouldn't be. In this case, it's murder. ROWEN. (stares at the ground, furrows his brow) That's... dark. BRENDA. (shrugs her shoulders) That's the afterlife for you. Now, I don't believe I have to explain much about the Reincarnated, do I? ROWEN. (shakes his head) No, I get the concept. BRENDA. To sum it up: you'd have the same soul in a different body with no memories of your past life whatsoever. This is the option most people choose. ROWEN. (shrugs) I'd assume so. BRENDA. (furiously files her nails) Last but not least, Cupids. There are different ranks for Cupids- It's a complicated system that I never bothered to learn. The gist of it is: You shoot living folks with a long-distance weapon to fill them with different kinds of love. There's familial, infatuation, friendly, romantic, etc. You get to wear whatever and visit the Living whenever you like, for personal reasons or business reasons. Mostly the romantics choose this one. ROWEN. (smiles, tries to get BRENDA to acknowledge his presence) Cupid sounds fun. (BRENDA puts down the nail filer, seemingly satisfied with her work. She faces ROWAN.) BRENDA. Is that your choice? (ROWAN folds in on himself and lowers his head) ROWEN. I- I don't know. BRENDA. (juts out her chin, speaks in a patronizing tone) Choose wisely. Remember, you're stuck for the next hundred years. (ROWEN stands and paces the room, muttering to himself. After going back and forth a few times, he stops and turns towards BRENDA) ROWEN. (helplessly) I just don't know. (The lights cut out.) BRENDA. (whispers) Then I'll choose for you. (ROWAN screams. The car horn sound gets "closer" until it's louder than ROWAN's scream.)

#not that anyone asked #but i wrote a whole-ass play #for a playwriting competition #i lost :( #but it's fine #here you take it #tw: death

[theillusionofcontrol]

Life

Your parents had you unexpectedly they treated you well, despite that your childhood was normal, if not lonely you had many acquaintances, one friend on a humid afternoon, during the summer you met someone y'all talked and exchanged contact information y'all talked more and became fast friends you fell in love, as did they you confessed under the bleachers, during the touchdown while everyone was cheering, you were kissing you got into a suitable college, not the one you wanted y'all broke up until the circumstances were better long-distance friendship was relatively easy if you overlooked the love, that is you graduated after four years of procrastinating and partying you visited your hometown, feeling nostalgic they were also there y'all talked again and kissed under the same bleachers while the autumn breeze cooled your cheeks the engagement came a year later another year, marriage the honeymoon was lovely you forgot to bring up children, they adopted a puppy your first mortgage they got a job while you searched you got a job while they searched your worst funeral, your mom she left you so many memories, they helped you trudge through them you decided to move, they support your decision y'all leave the dog with your leftover friend years of traveling inevitably led to settling y'all decided to live in the middle of nowhere you sold goat milk, they crocheted it's the only place you felt free, in your cottage on the hill they took a nasty fall in the river, y'all moved back to somewhere your dad wanted you to continue the family business you just wanted to go back to nowhere but they needed to heal resentment built up then fell down your most confusing funeral, your dad he left you the house, it's better than your apartment so you moved in you reveled in the place you grew up, they watched you y'all think about death in the place you were born you did a lot of home renovations they did a lot of crafts you reconnected with your hometown they reconnected with their civilized side you got sick, you'd walk it off but this one stuck they despised hospitals, so did you you said goodbye and they hated you for it your funeral was the hardest for them they wanted to be with you, always you left them bittersweet love and loneliness and oh, so many memories they can't wait to see you again.

#tw: life #tw: old age #??? #if that triggers you i guess?? #uhm #hi #did you like my thing? #my thing? #this thing? #up there? #that I wrote #did you like it?

[theillusionofcontrol]

music, rose, jump

All my life, I've been chasing. Tatiana is the only person who ever stopped and waited for me. We were partners in crime. A dynamic duo. She would do the killing and theatrics. I would do the cleaning and blackmailing our alibis It didn't help that she refused to wear gloves, to tie her hair back, to make their deaths quick. She always had to monologue. It got very boring. I'm sure it's terrifying when your date pulls a knife out on you and ties you up and then just starts talking for like an hour about how much they want to kill you. One time, she was so bored that she said nothing but "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." for like thirty minutes. We had a lot of fun that day. Have you ever seen the movie or read the book Holes? In it, there's a character named Kissin' Kate Barlow. She's an outlaw in the wild west who kisses every man she kills. That's who Tatiana aspires to be. For a while, in the beginning, she left roses on their corpses and spruced them up all nice so that when they were found, people knew it was her. That got old quick, though because some of our victims had no one to look for them or no one to find them or no one to care enough about them to even be appalled by their dismembered body. It made us too sad to be theatrical. I like to play music while I clean. I've found that headphones are a hazard when you're wanted for homicide.   The whole classical music thing is a cliche. I always play Arctic Monkeys or Tally Hall. Sometimes, she'll dance. It'd be nice to watch her flitting about and leaping onto furniture if it didn't mean more work for me. She never wipes off her shoes, blood gets everywhere. Sometimes, we'll dance together amidst the blood and the bloated dead body. We'll waltz through homes lived in and died in. We thrash and jump when the beat picks up. We tango and salsa when the sirens come. We'll run and run till we're free again. We tap dance on their grave and sing "good riddance." She's never killed someone who didn't truly deserve it. After killing the man that hurt her, she decided to keep going and rid the world of its scum. We don't enjoy it when they cry and beg for their lives so we gag them. It's always hardest for Tatiana when they were truly loved by some poor fool who always came back no matter how hurt they got. She wanted everyone to be free of people like the man who hurt her. Her resolve is unbreakable. The city we live in is simultaneously more dangerous and safer because of us. We work in the shadows so the day can be all the more bright. So the future can be all the more appealing for those who've given up. We don't think ourselves to be heroes. We are killers with little to no mercy. We don't mind being dragged in the mud and covered in blood if it means no more of that man and anyone like him. I remember the day Tatiana approached me. I was on the edge so ready to jump and be done with this miserable existence. She walked up to me slowly, like you would a wounded animal and gave me an offer I couldn't refuse: "Join me and you'll never be alone." We've been inseparable ever since.

#tw: murder #tw: rape #morally grey woman are my kink #like seriously #get yourself a vigilante babe #that'd be fucking hot

[theillusionofcontrol]

The World Is On Fire

Day 22. Everyone finally stopped panic-buying. My garage is gonna be filled with water bottles and toilet paper for a hot minute. I’ve decided to keep a journal. Might as well, right? I’ve been meaning to start one for a while, and well… what better time to try new things than when we all have way too much time on our hands? Day 35. The school administration finally started getting the whole “online school” thing organized. I’m pretty sure my mom was about to have an aneurysm, what with my younger siblings being free to cause trouble all day, every day. Also, it’s really starting to sink in for our dogs just how much time we’re going to be spending with them now. They’ve fallen into a state of depression. I mean, can you blame’em? Day 40. I take back what I said about the “online school” thing being good. Are you aware of how much harder it is to convince yourself to go to school when there’s nothing stopping you from just closing your computer and going back to sleep? It’s very difficult. Man, I never realized how little will-power I had until now. I mean, I have been like seconds away from just burning my notes and calling it a day. This is hard. Everything is hard now. I can’t even go outside without my neighbors having a heart attack. I can’t wait for this to be over. Day 54. The news is on all the time. It just keeps getting worse and worse. I’m so sick of hearing nothing but bad news. Like, yes, I get it, the world is on fire now but haven’t you people ever heard of escapism? Go watch a Disney movie. Go play videogames. Play a board game with your family. Do something. I know the news anchors are just trying to keep the public informed. And I know my mom is just trying to be informed. But we’ve been on a downward spiral for months with no sign of anything getting better. I need everyone else to chill out and remember what makes life worth living. We’re going through all of these precautions to stay alive for a reason, aren’t we? What’s the point of being alive if you’re not enjoying at least some of it? Day 60. Too many folks have been going outside all dilly-dally. They’re spreading it without a care in the world for the people around them. Haven’t they heard of common human decency? I get that you’re not currently dead or dying but you’re just making it worse for everybody by not staying inside. I’m actually surprised we’ve lasted this long. People don’t like to be caged in, no matter the reason. Day 75. “Online school” is over. That means it’s finally Summer. Not that there’s a difference. I still can’t go outside. I still never really talk to my friends. I still stare off into space for obscene amounts of time. It sucks how the only good thing that’s happened to me recently is the fact that I no longer have to pretend I actually care about my education. This school year has been hard for more reasons than just the virus. I think it’s because everyone had such high expectations for the new decade. We were all disappointed. Day 90. My sister caught it. She’s been in the hospital for days. I’ve only tried to visit once, it’s way too crowded there. My mom refuses to talk about it. We no longer watch the news. Day 125. I haven’t left the house in months. I think that’s a good thing. That’s a good thing, right? This is what they wanted. I’m doing what they wanted. I’m so pale now. I used to be tan. Fit. Healthy. I used to look like I was alive. Like I was breathing. Like my heart was beating. Why don’t I look like that now? Is it the solitude? I’m still with my mom and my brother. They’re still here. I’m not alone… I feel alone. Day 148. Today I watched the same movie on repeat for ten hours. During that span of time, I didn’t eat or sleep. I doubt I even blinked. I think it’s crazy how the hunger and exhaustion didn’t hit me until my brother came into my room to check up on me. It’s almost like I forgot. Or maybe I was ignoring it as some kind of form of self-punishment? Do I blame myself for a lot of things that aren’t my fault? No… Yes? Everyone does. Day 155. I keep getting notifications to start off the new digital school year. I asked my mom if I could drop out, she said: "Do whatever you want." I don’t know who this woman is anymore. Day 180. I’ve been trying to stop being such a Debby-Downer. I did a video chat with my friends recently. We all look a little worse for wear. Nonetheless, it was nice talking to them and catching up. Just hearing their voices really cheered me up. There were some tears shed, I’ll admit. But overall, my day was good. Day 200. It’s my birthday today. All my friends organized a video of clips where they all sang happy birthday in silly voices. It was cute. My mom even got out of her funk for long enough to order some cheesecake. Things outside are still getting worse with the death toll rising steadily but for today, I’m actually doing good. Day 215. Instead of doing my schoolwork, I decided to spend the majority of my day listening to the AC turn on and off. It was actually very relaxing. I could hear my brother in the room over talking on the phone with his buddy. I could hear the low hum of the movie my mom had on downstairs. I could hear my slow, steady breathing. I’m glad I was able to get in some sleep. Who knew silence could be therapeutic?

#tw: quarantine #tw: death #just to clarify #this isn't my own #personal #experience #i wrote this for a thing #for a theatre thing #and i liked it kinda #so here you go

[theillusionofcontrol]

come quick, the sky is sad again

i was lying in the street unmoving and uncaring apathetic and dead when it started to rain i opened my eyes it took great effort, due to the pelting of my face the sky was falling crying sobbing melting dripping down onto the unsuspecting earth the precipitation glided over the concrete instead of soaking up in the soil i opened my mouth for a little taste of sky my thirst was unquenchable i only got a few drops the clouds were calm as if they just needed to let go of all the things weighing them down and now they were free without all that rain clogging up their brains i got sopping wet my clothes sticking to my skin my face blotchy as if i was the one crying the entire universe was collapsing onto my face and all i could do was watch as it cried and fell hopelessly surly quite excitedly down    down        down                splash

#i promise i'm not on drugs #like seriously #i swear #on god

[theillusionofcontrol]

The Routine

female mid-twenties caucasian bleach-blond hair brown eyes has a mole on her left cheek, barely visible unmarried two siblings one older, one younger both male parents divorced when she was seven she chose to live with her dad works at a desk job from nine to five every morning she goes to the same coffee shop orders the same latte and flirts with the same barista has monthly visits with her mother, they never go well her roommate - male mid-twenties biracial black hair brown eyes - is harboring feelings for her she's unaware of those feelings she was assigned to me four months ago for a reason I still haven't figured out yet she's painfully average with her average wins and her average woes her average looks her average personality her average life I know her schedule inside and out I know her preference for men I know where she goes to party it wouldn't be difficult to get her alone and vulnerable killing her would be clean and easy fast and painless so why can't I do it? I could've been rid of her months ago but I still haven't done the deed why is that? I haven't become enamored with her she's plain and boring and normal I'm nothing of the sort even if I wanted her, I wouldn't be able to have her it'd be too messy too dangerous too difficult too exciting too different too dramatic too good too appealing maybe I do want her and her average, normal life maybe I'm sick of stalking learning waiting striking killing maybe I want out... but who am I kidding? BANG!

#hi #i'm not special #but i write from time to time

[theillusionofcontrol]

she gifted me blue

It happened on a warm summer evening. I was anxious and hesitant, she was headstrong and sure. Never afraid to take risks. She was my rose, blooming in my heart, her roots digging into my soul, her thorns puncturing my lungs. She was beautiful, dangerously so. I would've killed for her. I would've died for her. She was a dreamer. Foolish and airy. Head always in the sky. Mind overflowing with clouds. She was a fire. Burning brightly, warmly. Colors swirling, marring my face, reflecting in my eyes. Red, orange, yellow. And if the moment was heated enough, she'd bless me with a glimpse of blue. We fit so well together, back then. I wanted her to change me into a dreamer, like her. She wanted to show me the world, her world. Her beautiful world. She wanted too much. She took too much from me until I was no longer myself. She broke me. First, she took my hands, snatched them while I wasn't looking. Next, my lips bit them between her teeth and tore them from my face. Then, my breast gently at first, but leaving me with unruly pain. Lastly, my heart. I was hers for the taking, rightfully hers, truly hers, wholly hers. All of me was stolen out from under my nose. I let it happen, for she had gifted me blue. It burned, as did the red, orange, yellow... But this was different. This was a privilege. So I let her take little pieces of me. Nothing I'd miss. Until I was gone. The next day she wore my pieces as jewelry. Around her neck, dangling from her ears, looped on her wrist. She showed it off, my stolen self. I limped beside her being too broken from my missing pieces. After taking what she wanted, she left me. She simply turned and walked away. I couldn't chase her, I was too weak to speak to move to breath. I was dead in every sense except sight. I've always wondered why she never took my eyes. Maybe it's because she wanted me to see how good I looked on her. Maybe she just forgot. In all her thoroughness to leave nothing of beauty behind, she forgot my eyes. Maybe she didn't forget. Maybe she thought my eyes were worthless. I can't blame her because from the beginning, I was blind.

#poems about date rape? #yes please #tw: rape #tw: date rape #sorry to anyone who read the tags but didn't get the point of the poem #hi yes i'm gay and i have depression #so i write sad poems and shit #but only sometimes #most of the time #i just cry

[theillusionofcontrol]

Checkpoints

the first few years

I'm naive and adorable.

I have zero restraint and self-control.

I enjoy being the center of attention.

I'm naturally curious and friendly.

I am overflowing with ambition and optimism.

I have a crush on every Disney star.

a few years later

I make terrible decisions now that I can actually think for myself.

I am genuinely scared of getting in trouble to the point where I had a panic attack when I was called to the principal's office for a dumb reason (I wasn't even in trouble, they just needed me to deliver something).

I hit my male classmates for no particular reason other than the fact that I just wanted to.

I'm beginning to question my sexuality, having a weird identity crisis in the privacy of my room in the dead of night when no one else can judge me.

I start to nurture my love for the arts.

I still have a crush on every Disney star.

a few years even later

I just realized I have depression and I'm not taking it very well.

I'm a completely different person at home and at school and I can't tell which one is the real me.

This is the beginning of the intense paranoia I still have today.

I think everyone is out to get me.

I start feeling guilty for still not being sure about my sexuality despite still being pretty young.

I contemplate doing a lot of things to a lot of people, including myself. I never do those things but I sure do think about them.

I start to develop weird dependency issues.

currently

I use humor as a poor coping mechanism.

I still make pretty bad decisions but this time I know they're bad, I just don't care.

I'm nocturnal.

My mother finally admits to herself that she did a poor job raising us and needs to put her kids into therapy so we don't get any more bad habits.

I feel lost.

I still think everyone is out to get me but now I overshare and tell literally anyone who'll listen about my problems for a reason that I still haven't figured out yet.

I can't tell whether I'm in love with my best friend or if I just want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I worry about the future a LOT.

At this point, I'm just kinda vibing.

#hi i'm ryan and my life is pretty crazy #i'm bisexual #not that you were asking #just wanted to #let y'all know #tw: mental health #tw: bad parenting #have fun with this #i sure did