uglyducklyss

[uglyducklyss]

Anxiety

I thought i’m gonna die yesterday.. It’s the first time that I’ve felt that kind of panic attack. I thought it’s something that you can control over time but there were times pala na the attack would hit differently na you want to harm yourself to stop the disturbing thoughts..

You want to feel pain because you want to make it stop…

1/16/24

[uglyducklyss]

Maybe

Maybe, Just maybe we’re hurting because the Universe’ tells us that there’s more to life than what’s been going on with you right now.

The universe wants you to experience the pain and heartbreak because the universe is preparing you for something bigger.

[uglyducklyss]

It’s Valentines day!

We got to celebrate at bunchings ‘cos I’ve been craving for dumplings for a long timeee and god it’s so goood!

Our topic was that again, I’m really thinking about it for a while now. But i’m scared because it’s not okay like how can you allow yourself to see that person after so long and how do I know if he’s still want to see me? like what the f?

He’s proposal was tempting.. I’m curious to know how he’s been after all this year? I just miss the talks and the bond.

although his demands were stressing me out. I don’t know if this is really me understanding him? or this is really me.

[uglyducklyss]

2023

Changes, How do we often say that change is good? This year has been yet a tough one.

There were new challenges and phasing’s that I cannot control. It’s like I allowed that change to consume me and now it’s eating me.

I said that I’ll understand him more than ever. But why’s that change turn me into something that I can’t recognize anymore. Why’s that change slowly changing my views in everything?

Some days you’re okay and some days you’re not. The questions now has been going on in my mind that for over the years I refuse to acknowledge.

To be honest, I’m scared of this feeling.

#feelings #Uncertainty #love

[uglyducklyss]

Hi

It’s been ages ago! So I kind of in a mood to write something here since the caffeine is still on my system that’s why I am not drinking coffee at 5pm!! Ugh..

2023 wew, new year! new beginnings as I look forward into it i do hope that all of my resolutions this year will gain me more courage, knowledge and learnings. I don’t kniw if it’s appropriate or right but yeah..

Also, I’m turning 32 this year and as the year goes by.. It feels just different like for all the things that I like and wanted aren’t the same today. Is it another adulting kind of thing?

From my viewing over the years I feel like little by little I see that there are some people close to me and I just don’t feel that kind of connection like is it possible to just get over with somebody?

This is an honest feeling that I feel in a long time since I had my second baby.. I don’t know if it’s hormonal or postpartum or anxiety or I don’t know it’s just weird that I feel lost and empty. I so love my baby but sometimes I feel like crying because wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel what I felt when I had my first born.

It’s just so difficult sometimes to process that I had him and I feel it in my bones that guilt everytime I questioned myself. How can I think something so horrible like that. I am bad. Very bad. I don’t like this feeling.. I love my baby.. Please whatever it is please go away…

1/16/23

[uglyducklyss]

How to deal with your emotions

Lately, I've been struggling with anxiety. I overthink and my temper Is really bad I always got mad easily.

It's hard to accept the fact that you'd do good things and

[uglyducklyss]

Me

Today I feel troubled. It’s not about my relationship but troubled because I argued my mind.

[uglyducklyss]

Accidentally saw this docs.

Honestly, if you kind of voice out what you really feel or think to someone it will actually help you keep in motion like you can breathe and not feel something is weighing you down like there's something that is so heavy and you feel like you're carrying it the whole damn time you're interacting to each other and it kind of help you both grow and stay connected if you're honest to each other. Like hello, We're friends forever remember?

[uglyducklyss]

twenty twenty two

Hi..

It's been so long since the last time I put something here well it's quite given while I am busy with my hijo.

I've been into books lately since and it helps me get off the unsettling feeling. You know sometimes its hard to breathe like there's something weighing you down.

Its really true your past can sometimes haunts you. It's not like you totally forget about It. It's just you don't want to remember that horror stuff and go on with your simple life.

[uglyducklyss]

When you turn 30

[uglyducklyss]

The Life of being a mom and this uncertainties

I remember that time when we're finally signing the contracts. I was hesitant and I couldn't summed up my emotion because I was pregnant and right In front of my face was the blueprints of our house.

The construction started In the middle of pandemic and I was on my first trimester so It was very difficult for me that time as I was at my lowest state of mind. I would often question my decisions In everything.

Gladly my mother-in law was present every time. We shared Ideas, well most of It was hers but I don't mind It though. I fully trusted her.

Every Sunday since the pandemic altogether we attended a mass. Everyday she reminded me to be humble she would always tells us to reflect and asks me what did I learn from the homily. What's my opinion about It and she would gladly listen.

As I was on my early pregnancy I've come to obtained abundance to be more grateful than I was before. I couldn't Imagined myself surrendering into rosary again after so many years I've totally forgotten It.

I said to myself that this hormonal changes In me was good. It was good to my soul. I've learn so many things on that journey. That I was able to accomplish wonderful things in this time of uncertainty. I would gladly share that beautiful moment of my time to everyone whose all ears.

On my last blog I mention this and If I can still remember that was a very emotional time for me.

And up to this day, I would always ask the lord, Lord what Did I do In my past life to be blessedly showered by your love, your abundance of grace? I am very blessed lord and I am grateful beyond measure.

Sometimes I wanted to be angry and lash out my emotion vividly but then I would ask myself what could this anger will bring me no good? I said I will ashamedly surrendering every bad feeling I was feeling, Every hurtful words that we're receiving.

Because until today I perpetually acknowledge my experiences and learnings. It gives me peace and to keep up.

Not everyone Is happy for your achievements In life but don't hold back. I don't. I will understand them. And I will pray for them. That Is my peace.

7-30-21

[uglyducklyss]

24th of april 2021

Today I feel more blessed and grateful. Postpartum is not an easy battle to deal with but to have people around you makes that I could do more of what I've been going through.

Lately I've been asking my self worth again I've been doubting my confidence and appearance as well. You know that Issue almost killed me. I'm torn between blood and water. I questioned Him and I said why me? Why us?

But thanked God he spared me some time to think It through and move forward. I chose to stay and fight for what I have. I love him that it hurts me to think that Is this my karma? Because it does hurt.

Through out the days I poured It all. My emotions my sadness and all with the people around me. I am so thankful that I have them though I know sometimes I misbehave.

This postpartum Is killing me at the same time It educates me. It tested my patience to be honest.

Every night we talked about everything that's been happening around the world. About Us and even small stuff. It helps a lot.

I realized that my problems were too small compared to what other people had been going through.

I am blessed. 🙏🏻 Thank you Lord.

[uglyducklyss]

Pregnancy thingy

Today's the 3rd of March 2021 and I am more than okay than the last few months that I've been so stuck up and wreck.

To what I've wrote on my past blog was true about communication. The past few weeks we've been talking about our relationship through out the years and the good thing is that we're still discovering a lot about ourselves. Do I need to elaborate each? Just some deep conversation with spice lol.

But like the other couple you had to go through some shit and all. You had to experience that kind of pain to be able to understand life. You say bad things, you cursed and you unexpectedly put a wall to someone. But that doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's just your way of surviving.

Twelve years is no joke.

Tbc...

[uglyducklyss]

After My delivery

Today, I feel so lonely. Really.

I thought I am that strong enough to handle such emotions. I thought I can but why suddenly It's gone. I feel like something in my body crushed and It pierced through my soul and the tears won't stop. I'm so sensitive and It sucks 'cos I can't help but to feel it.

Today's the 4th day I haven't even hold my baby noah.. And It hurts me so much. I thought I can handle thus everyday I feel so weak and emotional.. I miss my baby so much. :( This hormonal thing sucks. I hope I can atleast focoua on something. My mind is always wondering. I have lots of what Ifs.

All I want is to hold my baby..

I don't know that this kind of day will come and haunts me like hell.

[uglyducklyss]

PG thingy

Most of the time I feel like I am drowning in my own dream where the only quite time Is when I am asleep. But on the contrary Of this debacle on my mind I still want to let go and go on with my life as It Is.

Though sometimes It's hard to be strong like If everyone knew that you are. You can't just possibly let them know your weaknesses. It's like a natural armor you created within yourself.

Why Is It so natural for me to be like this? I mean, I wanted to do reckless things and make them feel like I needed a help. Because being strong sometimes Is so tiring and fucked up.

Why I have this positive judgement on me? I feel like I can't make a mistake? Sometimes there's this things that I wanted to do for myself but later on I feel like I can't do that because It's not necessary.

Sometimes I wanted to shout and curse but I can't because I know It's rude and not appropriate. I wanted to do bad things but I know It won't help me In the future.

Why I always planned things out and think ahead of It? I don't know Is this normal? Am I normal?

#dramatic #hormones #Sucks

[uglyducklyss]

Midnight thoughts

Sometimes there are times when I think of my past. Like my past life and relationships. Wew relationships with an s haha.

Well It's not necessarily that I longed for that particular person but the memory and the experiences I learned from them I think of. Memory of being carefree and curious about anything because god knows how crazy I am.

Truth Is there are also times when I questioned myself from the "What If's?" Yes because some of my relationship failed or I must say ended badly. And there were some exes that I've been friends with, okay let's not say friends but civil, yes that's the word.

I have a habit of figuring things these days accordingly. In my own perspective like what If I didn't do that? What will happen? Things that normal people would do right? Is that bad? Lol

I know there's no perfection In everything you do, Like you can't possibly see things through ahead of It and that's frustrating. Imagine you live your life and there are things you regret? Sucks But that's life, unpredictable.

I learn that those things that happened In the past makes sense today. Like that situation gave me the knowledge to what I am In my relationship today. What else I can provide to be a good partner to him today.

That has been the ultimate goal, to be the best version of yourself every day. If you feel like you didn't give enough today there's always a tomorrow. And that's life, If you failed that's okay. If you make mistakes, that's totally fine. You're human. You'll live.

Perfection Is boring. But life gets easier when you start to open up and communicate to your partner. That's the key.

I have a different kind of way handling my relationship. My partner and I have a different views and beliefs but we try to be open and learn from each others point of view.

Sometimes there are spicy arguments that would led us to fight but that's normal geez.. I feel like when we argue we exchanged Ideas that can help us also figure things beyond our control.

Funny because after every argument he said sorry first even If he raises his voice on me. I sometimes say sorry If I know I've wronged him. Yeah It's just good to let It out than to keep it to yourselves.

10-08-'20

[uglyducklyss]

Mother, Mother

Before I became a mother I am a daughter. A daughter who don't give a damn at everything around her. A daughter who got scolded and whose innocent and vulnerable.

Everyday I go on with my life at school. I like to spend my time with friends be It with our neighbors or my schoolmates. My life Is cool that I don't bother to think about my future yet because having a good time was my salvation.

On my 10th grade slowly I can see circumstances that I ignored for so long because It doesn't matter anyway. As long as I continue to go to school Though Promisory's always on my monthly obligations and when there's food on the table I continue my life unworried.

Through out the years I learned to see things differently like one day I woke up and my mama told me that I needed to stop for college. Sixteen when I started my first job at the field. It was a Telco company. It was fun. We go to different places everyday to sell sim cards to people. It's a different kind of socialization. I get to know more people that were out of my league. I learnt that there were people who will talk behind your back because they feel like you don't deserve to be there. Like what the f? I needed money too!

I don't and never criticize someone over their appearances. But I feel like I don't belong there. It's like they don't want me to be there. It hurts to know that there were people you can't please. It's not like In school. It's so different. I felt like my confidence got stolen. I cried silently at night worrying for another day to passed. But my mom had no job at that time and we needed money so to h* with them.

Seventeen when I got my second job In the City. It's far away from home but I lived with my grandmother there. We're staying at her cousin's house In ortigas. This Is far different from the life I ever Imagined. The City lights are alive. There were lots of people walking the street even In late nights. The morning came and there were huge people coming from different directions hurriedly walking so fast. I feel like I was so out of place and I find It funny because that was the first time I see the real world.

In my first few weeks I learned that the previous job I had in my hometown was nothing compared to this City! It's like you meet people with different personalities, I've met an older guy but became my friend eventually. I've met few good people half my age and fall for someone half my age.

But believe It or not, Seventeen was too young. Too young to even commit to a more serious relationship back then. That time I felt like It was like I am just In the moment of liberation bacause I am too far away. Too far from my problems at home, far away from obligations I had on my back on my early age. Too far from all the happenings around me and I am not afraid.

September 22, 2020