winterblueandotherhues

[winterblueandotherhues]

Series 1--CH 1. An introduction

Jan. 14, 2023

This is my first entry. I've been thinking for a while that I would like to put my thoughts out into the universe and see what it says back. I hope that whoever comes across these entries will feel some sort of comfort knowing someone else is going through the same things...and if no one else is going through this...well then truly good for them hahaha. Right now, I am going through a very big shift in life plans, and it feels like the worst timing because it's winter. And I can never feel motivated in winter. I blame it on the lack of blue skies and direct UV rays.

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It's been twenty-three days since my 25th birthday, and although this is not my first quarter life crisis, 25 has me feeling like a mouse stuck in a trap...I have to find way to free myself from the things that are hold me back/holding me down. This is the year where I have to find a way to actually make myself proud.

Somehow I always find myself in this predicament as winter rolls around. I tried to start on resolutions in October but like most "new year" resolutions, they fell through. And it's pretty obvious why--there was no real plan. I like to feel like I know how to plan, but I've always been bad at it. It's probably because of the ADHD, but I feel like that's not really an excuse. This is the year for no excuses. I have to make a decision, and I have to see it through. And if it's the wrong decision, then I adjust accordingly.

Currently, I am back home after living/working in the city for the last seven years. After graduating from college at the beginning of the pandemic, I've been struggling with applying for PA grad school. I just never feel good enough. I also blame my lack of accomplishments on my anxiety which kept me from taking so many opportunities in undergrad.

And then my mom died right when I thought I was going to get my life together, and then my life really fell apart because I was looking forward to making her proud. I mean...I still think she would feel proud of me now...but I really wanted to pull myself together for her, and it felt like the rug was pulled from under my feet and I couldn't remember how to get up.

Although I surrounded myself with my friends while I was living in the city, watching my friends finish graduate school and becoming doctors was a huge wake-up call. I was wallowing in my depression and my anxiety held me back more than ever while everyone around me was going on with their lives. I felt left behind. It was like I was stuck watching a movie of everyone laughing, growing, celebrating, and all I wanted was to be a part of that movie. And I came to the realization that no one will ever stop their lives to help me live mine...that's just a selfish thing to ask of anyone...and I knew that..

So here I am, back home, trying to piece myself back together because the only person who can truly do it is me. I quit my patient care job, and I have no job right now. I am taking a biochemistry class, and it starts next week. I am scared shitless haha. It's been so long since I've learned something. I'm afraid to learn that I'm not as smart as I once was...if I even ever was...I'm terrified of failure. It feels like I've done nothing but disappoint myself for the majority of my twenties. But I know that I can't let myself be held back any longer by self-doubt and self-pity.

#journal #resolution #resolve #seasonal affective disorder #winter blues #quarter life crisis #itsgoingtogetbetter #itsonlythebeginning #patience #self growth #settingintentions #gap year #post grad life