zero-insignificance

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: The Journey to Russia

Cast includes Rose the DM, Alfie (yours truly), Fluffy Scruffington, Rayna, Truk, and Bob

We open up in the Finkelberg Tavern. We've been in the Fey Wilds for 2 weeks

Alfie has decided that he is breaking Bob's record as he's explaining all the stuff that has happened to him to his bio parents as he's downing shots of polish rectified spirit.

Alfie: Yeah, so I died. And it was horrible *takes a shot* Cora and Hurruk: *horrified* Alfie: *downs another shot* It sucked but it was the best thing that ever happened to me *downs another shot* Bob: *concerned* Maybe you should slow down? Don't want to damage your liver. Alfie: *tipsy* I can't even die. Scared I'm going to break your record? *currently on shot number 80* Bob: *goes over to the placard* Goodbye old friend... Alfie: *slams down the final shot*WOO! 81! Bob: Damn it. Alfie: You still have your darts record. *drunk* Take me out for drinks sometime and we can see who drinks who under the table. Bob: *panics* Are you... asking me on a date? Alfie: *drunk and aroace spec* What? No- is- is that what that came off as? I see you completely platonically. I would never cheat on Fluffy.

Alfie is very loyal to his friends, family, and partner. He's just bad at social cues and does not realize when he's accidentally flirting with someone. How Alfie picked up what Fluffy was putting down is a miracle.

Fast forward to 300 years after Fluffy's death: Alfie has had plenty of time to mourn. Bob has earned his soul back but is still in his redemption arc. Bob is demiromantic and has caught feelings for a certain bird. Alfie is also demiromantic and developed feelings for Bob 50 years before he did. Cue 100 years of pining before Bob confesses.

Back to Finkelberg: Alfie wakes up and has a headache. He's about to down an entire bottle of pain killers but stops and only takes two.

Alfie asks Bob if he want to come with us. And he does. "I wouldn't have it any other way." It's also not like he has much of a choice. According to the deal he is under Alfie's care. His ribs were turned into powder. Thankfully Truk healing his allergic reaction also gave his ribs and arm a boost.

Alfie: Everyone in the Nap Sack! Alfie's family and Lu: *confused* Ollie: *puts a hand in front of Creek and Argot* That's a mimic Alfie: Yeah, it is. The nap sack is actually a sub species of mimic. It feeds primarily on dreams but does need to eat meat sometimes and it mostly gets that from potential thieves. *gives the Nap Sack a pat* They make an excellent guard dog and won't eat you if I introduce you to them. *starts pointing at each npc and introduces who is coming with us* Don't eat them, don't eat them, especially don't eat him. I don't think he tastes good *pointing at Bob* Bob: I do not taste good. Rayna: How do you know that? Bob: *embarrassed* I cursed myself one time. Alfie: *makes note of that* Alright, get in the nap sack

In the Nap Sack is Hurruk, Cora, Creek, Ollie, Argot, and Lu (Rayna's fiancé) plus Patrick and Mark. Bob has chosen to stay out for now.

"Well open the portal, Alfie!"

And Alfie pauses before trying something. All magic has a vibration, and the way Alfie casts spells is by manipulating magic to make it vibrate in a certain way. Alfie casts spells with the power of autism. Me: Rose, we've talked about this. Can I? Rose: Roll to see if you can. Me: *rolls* 18. Rose: You do it successfully. He thinks back to the portal spell he made yesterday and reaches a handout to start making the magic in the air vibrate. During this process the party just sees Alfie violently vibrating as this is the first time he's done this with such a powerful spell.

Then he stops vibrating and a door appears. "I DID IT!" Truk walks over to the door as Alfie gains his bearings and pushes on the door. Rose: Flip a coin. Truk's player: Heads. Rose and Me: *at the same time* It's a pull door. Me: OOOOOH! Truk: *twists the doorknob* Rose: the door opens, and you see a forest.

We all step through the doorway and Truk recognizes this to be the territory of the Kingdom of Russia.

Rose: Alfie. Russia is a kingdom that fell to an eldritch entity. If they find out what you are that would not be good for you. Me: I know.

Alfie's form isn't consistent. The black feathers never really stay in the same place. So, Alfie half shifts into the form he had before he died. He is now a white bird with his current hairstyle. His form is more solid and unassuming. Looking at him you wouldn't know what he is.

Rose: You look even more like a chicken now. Me: Alfie knows. He'll have to swallow those comments.

Fluffy finds a pile of snow and scoops some of it up. Rose: Roll perception. Fluffy's player: *rolls* fuck Rose: It has a slight yellow tint to it Alfie: *runs over to Fluffy and smacks it out of their hand* NO Fluffy: But it's lemonade flavored! Alfie: *drags them away from the snow drift* I can't believe I'm marrying you.

Truk: I know this place like the back of my hand. Bob: Do you know that mole on the back of your hand? Truk: yes, I do- Rose: You go to look at the mole on the back of your hand and it's gone. Truk: *concerned* Where did it go? Me: it turns out the mole is your conscience. Bob: I'm just joking, pulling your leg! /j and what not *waves his hand and the mole reappears*

Fluffy: You know baja blast isn't that good Bob: What did you say? Fluffy: It's just that Dr. Pepper is way better. Bob: What is a Doctor Pepper? Fluffy: It's a soda and it's like sweet barbecue water. Bob: *to Alfie* Can I have some? You can summon things. Alfie: ... Alright *summons a mini can and gives it to Bob* Bob: *drinks it* that's nice. Fluffy: Can I have one? Alfie: *gives them a mini can of dr pepper* Fluffy: *takes one sip and gives the rest of it to Bob* Alfie: I'll allow it. Bob: *eats the can* Rose: Above Bob's head is some text that reads

"addiction rejected"

Truk calls out "There should be a town about an hour in that direction."

Bob collapses to the ground in pain because his ribs are powder. "Alfie... Can I please go in the Nap Sack?" Alfie helps Bob into then Nap Sack and tells him very sternly that he is not allowed to make deals with anyone in the Nap Sack. Alfie: My parents just got their souls back. Bob: *in pain* I WON'T TAKE THEIR SOULS.... *pops some pain killers* We can play liars dice though~ Alfie: *points at Argot* Don't gamble with the child. Fluffy's player: Don't gamble with the child!?

Alfie climbs back out of the Nap Sack and Truk decides to climb a tree to get a better look at our surroundings.

He fumbles the survival check and a branch he's holding onto breaks. So, he falls to the ground, and he lands on his angelic steel covered great club taking 15 points of damage. We call falling out of a tree "pulling a Patrick."

Rose: You really could have asked the party member with wings to do that. Fluffy's player: Fluffy climbs the tree. Rose: Roll at advantage Fluffy: *climbs the tree successfully and spots the town*

Alfie rushes over to Truk and checks him over. Truk is dazed and surprised at what happened and Alfie fights the urge to call him an idiot and does a medicine check to heal 4 hit points. Truk: Ow. Alfie: *deep breath* Are you okay? Truk: I'll be fine.

Alfie helps him up and Fluffy says that the town is probably a 15–20-minute walk away. This confuses Truk. That isn't quite right.

Fluffy: I'm stuck... Rayna: I'll catch you! And Fluffy jumps and Rayna catches them.

We start walking to the town and Rayna is still holding Fluffy and Alfie appears in front of her, does the grabby hands and says "gimme my partner." Rayna plops Fluffy into Alfie's arms. After a while Fluffy says "You can put me down." Alfie responds with "Nah. This is good practice for our wedding." Fluffy is just like "Oh! Okay!" Truk: Someone will definitely recognize me. Only the royal family has these eyes. Alfie: I can polymorph you. Fluffy: You could wear sunglasses. Truk: I could wear sunglasses... Alfie: Then people would look at you like "Who's this prick" for wearing sunglasses inside. Rayna: You could pretend to be blind. Just hold onto one of us. Truk: That could work. Alfie: BUt- WhA- G- *lets out a sound of exasperation* Rayna: Get out your jungle chompers. They can be your seeing eye animals. Truk: You know what? No. If they recognize me, they recognize me.

We are met with a large gate.

Rose: This town is that of Arstotzka. Everyone: GLORY TO ARSTOTZKA. Rose: There is an orc guarding the gates Truk's player: Do I recognize him? Rose: You do recognize him. Truk: Alexei? Is that you?

The Orc's eyes light up. Alexei: My king! It's been so long... Truk: Yes, it has. I need to ask, who is the one who has been ruling in my stead? Alexei: That would be your uncle, Viktor. He has been ruling for the last 21 years. Alfie: *mutters under his breath* What is this, Hamlet? Bob: I actually met Shakespear once, lovely fellow, excellent sense of humor. Alfie: Really? What other members of human history have you met. Bob: Have you heard of Oppenheimer? Fluffy: *still in Alfie's arms* yes Alfie: yeah, I've heard of him. Bob has met Jack the Ripper.

"He has no claim to the throne- Wait 21 years?" For Truk it has been 11 years since Betty White decimated his kingdom and killed his parents. Alfie lets out a sound of understanding. "Two weeks in the fey wilds is 10 years here." "Alexei, I need to get to the Capital. Are there any horses or carriages?" Alexei seems uncertain before answering. "I'm afraid it'll be 3 days before another wagon comes around."

Rayna and I feel like this was suspicious and we both roll insight. "You both get the feeling that he has ulterior motives."

Rayna: Truk, I don't trust him. Truk: What are you talking about? I've known him since I was little! Alfie reaches out and grabs Truk's hand and shakes his head and just goes "no no no no..." Truk remembers Alfie's reaction in Sh'am, that trauma response, what lead to Alfie being in this realm and listens to his intuition.

Truk draws his great club and sternly speaks to Alexei. "There is something you aren't telling me." And Alexei squirms under Truk's gaze before breaking. "Viktor told me that you'd come eventually... He said not to let you make it to the Capital." Truk nodded before speaking. "Go to your family. Love and cherish them for the rest of your days." Alexei nods and leaves wishing us good luck.

And so there we are standing in front of the gate to Arstotzka. Truk tries pushing to gate open and Rayna and I help knocking this massive door off its hinges. Normally Alfie would fix the doors, but this is Russia and he's trying to not tip them off to him being an Eldritch God.

Truk shouts to the guards to open the second gate and they say that they can't. Alfie turns on his true sight and it is a major illusion. We walk right through the second gate.

Truk finds a wagon that is without a horse, but that's okay because we have a furry pink fellow that could definitely pull it.

Alfie calls out to Bob in the nap sack to let him know that a certain pink creature is coming out. Bob thanks him for the warning.

Bob owes Alfie 5 debts now.

Alfie lets Paul the pink buffalo out of the pokeball he was in and gives him a scritch under the chin. Paul: MOO! Alfie: Hey buddy! How are you today? Paul: *content* Moo! Alfie: That's good. We need your help with something. Paul: *questioning* moo? Alfie: We have this wagon that needs pulling. Are you up for it? Paul: *annoyed* moo. Alfie: There are some apple turnovers in it for you~ Paul: *excited* MOO!? *trots over to the wagon and lets Truk strap him in* Alfie gives Paul a fresh apple turnover and he eats it happily. I help Bob into the wagon cuz he has decided to come into the out now and I don't want him getting more hurt. Alfie picked him up and gently set him down in the wagon before pulling Fluffy up.

And we're off on a journey to the Capital of Russia. It's a 5-hour long journey so we have time to kill. Truk has hold of the reins and has his eyes focused on what's in front of him.

Alfie is quiet for a moment as Arstotzka faded into the distance. "Nobody can know. Nobody here can know what I am." Truk speaks up "If anyone tries anything I will kill them." Bob says that he wouldn't dream of it. He doesn't want to admit it, but he has grown rather fond of Alfie and the party.

Fluffy has a coloring book out and Alfie turns to Bob and tells him to step into his office. Bob is confused. Alfie is a licensed therapist. Normally he would use his pocket dimension as his office, but he hasn't learned how to make mobile portals yet so Alfie gestures for Bob to follow him to the back of the wagon. It is time for therapy.

Bob: *groans* Do we have to do therapy? Alfie: We made a deal. So yes. Bob: *follows Alfie to the back of the wagon and sits down* With a wave of his hand a one-way muffling charm is placed to maintain client confidentiality. Anyone outside of this area cannot hear what we are saying.

Bob does not look happy about this and when he looks at Alfie, he is wearing a tartan jacket and glasses with a pen and clip board in his hands. Clementine is out of her pokeball to act as a therapy animal. "Tell me about your childhood. This is a safe space." Bob crosses his arms takes a deep breath and starts. "You already know about my absent mother. My father wasn't there for me as he was emotionally unavailable at the time. Neither of them ever told me they loved me or was proud of me" "And how did that make you feel?" "Not... good." Alfie jots that down in the notebook and nods serenely. Alfie starts off with gentle probing questions for the first 30 minutes and starts asking the more hard-hitting questions. "You were adultified at a young age, weren't you?" "Yes. I had a bunch of responsibilities thrust on me." "So, you didn't have the chance to be a child." Bob flinches since Alfie hit the nail on the head before nodding. Clementine climbs into his lap and he starts petting her subconsciously. "It seems to me that you have an intense desire for control in your life, from what you do to what you eat and drink to who you befriend in your own way, even controlling others. But if you control every little thing, you'll never really get the chance to live. You have to embrace the spontaneity of life." Another nail has been struck. "You've been doing what people expect you to do, whether that be your parents, the citizens of Finkelberg, to us" he gestures at the party. "That includes who you think you're supposed to be. Fearless. Strong. Powerful. Sought after. Not one to be trifled with."

Eventually Alfie strikes down the main issues.

He does not know who he is.

He has major self-esteem issues.

He doesn't know who he wants to be.

He does not think he deserves good things.

And he needs a hug desperately.

By the end of the session, he is clutching onto Alfie as he cries, and Clementine is nuzzling into him cuz she knows he needs it.

Bob is emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted and asks if he can take a nap. So, Alfie summons a pillow and sets it down and Bob lies down for some much-needed rest. He is still adjusting to needing to sleep every day instead of once every 100 years.

Hours pass and Rayna makes a makeshift ballista. We see the Capitol coming into view. "Do you think your uncle knows we're here?" "Definitely." We see a guy riding on a black horse. Assuming it is a messenger going to tell Viktor that Truk has returned Rayna fires the ballista at him skewering him through the chest. The guy falls partially off the horse, but his foot is in one of the stirrups and his arm got caught on the reins making the horse panic and start moving in a circle.

Alfie hops out of the wagon and Truk stops the wagom and Alfie slowly approaches the horse with a hand outstretched and clicking his tongue. Rose: Roll an animal handling check at advantage. Me: 23. Rose: The horse whinnies and neighs but calms down. With a wave of magic Alfie releases the horse from their fallen rider and places a hand on its snout. "Shhhhh... It's alright. You're safe. We won't hurt you." The horse leans into his touch. Alfie and horses are distant kin in a sense as horses are also canonically eldritch entities. Rayna removes the chunk of wood she fired at the guy.

Alfie: Do you want to come with us? Horse: *positively* Neigh (he trusts Alfie). Alfie: What do we name you? Fluffy: Mr. Krispy. Alfie: *looks at the horse for confirmation* Horse: Neigh Alfie: Mr. Krispy it is.

Alfie puts Mr. Krispy in a pokeball along with Clementine and Paul marking Krispy's ball with a K.

Horse get! Mr. Krispy has joined the party!

He starts looting the rider's body and finds a folded-up piece of paper. He unfolds it and it is a child's drawing. Alfie: *hisses* Uh Rayna? Rayna: Yes? Truk: What is it? Alfie: *grimacing* This guy had a family... He has a kid... Rayna: oh fuck. *pulls out one of her scrolls of revivify* Casting the spell the rider bolts upright panting in fear and Alfie grips onto his shoulders and tells him "Breathe. You're okay. You're alright." and waits for the rider to get his bearings and helping him up.

The rider then notices Truk and bows. "Apologies my liege. I did not see you there." "It is more than okay, go back to your home and spend time with your family."

And he turns and starts walking to where he came from muttering about where his horse went.

The party starts walking towards the Capitol and Alfie runs back to the Wagon and wakes Bob telling him that we're here and that he should get in the Nap Sack. He sleepily nods and just kind of slithers into the Nap Sack. Alfie flies off to join his party. The Capitol of Russia is composed of many rings and levels. Outside of the walls are houses that seem to be abandoned and the Capitol is silent. "This feels like a trap." "This is definitely a trap."

The air feels off as the sun is setting. Something is watching us from the darkness.

Things get darker and darker, and that feeling of being watched intensifies.

Alfie closes his eyes and places a hand on the ground searching for the vibrations of anything living. "You don't feel anything living..." And then he checks for anything dead.

"There's something wrong with the realm of the dead." Alfie relays this message to his party and tries to call on Hades. A note floats down to his hands. It reads "Gone fishing -H" "Oh fuck it must be date night-" And then 4 shadows appear around Alfie and one of them strikes him. "Does a 23 hit?" It does. Alfie is going to take 6 points of necrotic damage but it's halved since he has a resistance. Alfie lets out a slight yelp of pain and pulls out a torch, striking it against the scales on his arm lighting it ablaze. "WE GOT SHADOWS." He shouts as he draws his Crimson Blood Blade.

We are surrounded by 12 shadows, and we can see them thanks to my torch. Fluffy casts light on my shirt and I playfully say: "That makes me the light of your life~" Fluffy blushes and Rayna shouts at us to stop flirting as she shoots two of the shadows.

Truk takes his great club and strikes down one of the shadows next to Alfie who narrowly dodges it and the shadow screeches as the angel steel burns it killing it. Alfie swirls around slashing two of the shadows and they let out a screech as they die.

Then two of the shadows sneak up on Fluffy while Alfie is distracted. They strike them and they fall down dead.

Alfie's eyes go wide with horror as he sees them fall to the ground. And he snaps.

He is silent as his form glitches and his bones creak, his eyes trained on his partner. The glimpse of his true form hurts his party members, and a special kind of magical darkness descends over the party. Truk's truesight cannot penetrate it. Only eldritch entities can perceive through it. They can only see 2 feet in front of them and Rayna makes her way over to where Fluffy was to use another revivify scroll.

Then the sounds start. It's unsettling and they can tell that these sounds are not coming from Alfie. They are coming from the shadows. There are slow screams and squelching noises. Crunching. The sound of something breaking and a maw sinking into spectral flesh. The worst part is that Alfie is completely silent.

Eventually the darkness lifts and Truk sees Alfie standing there, covered in black sludge. The shadows are gone and he's shaking with a thousand-yard stare. Truk approaches Alfie and says something to him. Alfie doesn't respond. His eyes scan his surroundings and his eyes land on Fluffy who is breathing with Rayna nearby with a disintegrating spell scroll in her hand. He doesn't speak. He doesn't make a sound. He just walks past him over to Fluffy Scruffington and pulls their weakened body into a hug letting out a sigh of relief.

Fluffy lets out a groan of pain and Alfie silently picks them up and takes them to the Nap Sack. And tells each of his parents to take care of them.

When he emerges, there is a difference in the way he stands.

He is silently fuming. If Truk doesn't kill Viktor, he definitely will.

Alfie levels a stare at the gates to the Capitol and they open. The architecture itself is afraid of him right now. It has finally set in to the party that if Alfie wanted to, if it weren't for the fact that he cares about them, he could kill them in minutes. He could incapacitate them in one move because even though Truk has truesight what he comprehends is not what he is. It's a censored and simplified version of what Alfie is. If Alfie shows them, they will perish or fall to madness.

Most gods cannot even comprehend the true monstrosity that is an Eldritch Horror. Brick is one of the few that can.

And so, we enter the Capitol enduring the whispers of the citizens as they witness the return of the rightful king of Russia and his entourage.

One of them makes a comment about Alfie which earns them a glare that ages them 30 years. We are stopped by some guards who say that we are not allowed to go any farther. Truk shouts for them to move as he places a hand on his great club. With Alfie and Rayna's help in an intimidation check the guards all shit their pants and step aside.

We follow Truk through the castle and make our way to the throne room. The doors in there are ornate gold. Alfie: Those doors are so tacky... Truk: My father decorated. Alfie: Interior design was not his strong suit.

Truk tries to push the doors open. "This is the second time this has happened." And he breaks the doors down sending them flying off their hinges.

Then we see Viktor. He is a human man who just starts monologuing. Truk tells him that he has no claim to the throne and Viktor's response takes him off guard. "Neither do you." "What are you talking about?" "You should ask your father." "Brick Brick Brick."

Brick appears and he has some explaining to do. Brick may be a floating brick, but we can tell that they are uncomfortable. Alfie does not take his eyes off of Viktor. "What is he talking about?" "I am your biological father." Truk's eyes flicker from orange to blue as he learns this. "But... How?" It turns out 3 months before the wedding of Truk's mother (the orc member of the royal family) and Truk's father (a human) Brick slide into his mom's DMs.

Brick has game.

"WHY?" "Just look at her." and we feel Brick gesture to a large portrait on the wall of Truk's parents. They are both SMOKING HOT. Two incredibly attractive individuals and Alfie looks from the portrait to Truk and keeps doing that for a minute before saying "No wonder you're so attractive." Truk blushes and stutters out "W- what?" "Truk you are a very attractive individual and now I can see why." Alfie is not flirting at all. He's just stating a fact.

Viktor seems to be annoyed and Alfie senses that something is off. There's something just a bit wrong with the tone of his skin and the way he moves He turns on his truesight. "You can't see someone who isn't there."

So, he rolls an arcana check ending up with a 17.

"You sense fiendish magic in this room."

And he says this in an uninterested and unimpressed tone: "There's a fiend among us."

And there is a laugh as Viktor vanishes in front of the party and we see a demonic winged woman with grey skin and reddish orange hair and horns. A flaming halo floats above her head.

Her name is Zariel, and she lets out an evil laugh.

She is dancing around the questions and Alfie is not tolerating it.

Alfie looks very unimpressed at her. "Tell me, Zariel. Do you know what I am?" "Of course I do, young eldritch being." "Then you should know not to waste my time..."

She breaks the news that Viktor has been dead for years. She owns his soul now. He made a deal so he could rule Russia.

Truk steps forward and speaks with her, gesturing for us to stay back. Alfie is ready to eviscerate her, but he holds himself back and waits.

And so Truk and Zariel talk. He offers to make her to ruler of this Kingdom for a price. She is to rule his people fairly. He is allowed to come and go as he pleases. She agrees and is now the figurehead of Russia.

Boss fight avoided

Fluffy: *pokes their head out of the Nap Sack* You mean I almost died for nothing?! Zariel: Who almost died? Alfie: A bunch of shadows almost killed my fiancé! Zariel: Oh, I hate those things...

Brick is still there, and it turns out Zariel and him are exes.

If we want Viktor's soul we can kill this dragon that Zariel hates. Alfie would like to give him a spectral bitch slap cuz he is racist.

Truk has a bunch of half siblings who know what they are but they're all assholes. We are now tasked with finding them and killing them that way they don't inherit Brick's powers in the event Brick dies because they are bad people.

I ask Brick if they can heal Fluffy and they say yes so, I hold Fluffy in my arms and they feel a boop on their nose and they are healed up to full health. Brick asks if I also want them to heal Bob.

I say yes and tell Bob to come out and he says quietly and fakes wiping tears and says "I'm gay." and Alfie is just like "I can tell."

Brick heals Bob's ribs and arm and he shouts in pain because Harry Potter was right. Regrowing bones HURTS. A lot.

Then Zariel sees Bob's face and goes "Bob! Is that you?" and he immediately goes back in the nap sack like "No. Bob is not home." Zariel and Bob dated before he realized he liked men.

Zariel tries to make an advancement and Alfie just goes: "NO! BAD ZARIEL. He isn't interested. He likes men." And she's just like "Oh" and backs off. "Do you know if any friends or family that happen to be eldritch beings are also single?" And Alfie pauses. "Not family, but I do have one friend that might be interested but I don't know if you'll like their base form..."

And Alfie says, "Sea Biscuit Sea Biscuit Sea Biscuit." And in a burst of black flames appears a brown horse with a white spot on his nose and black wings. And a very eloquent British accent leaves the horse's mouth as he speaks. "Ah! Hello Alfie! Lovely to see you again! Where are we?" Sea Biscuit was a horse that was cursed with sentience by a wizard.

And Zariel squeals. She loves horses and she makes her way over to him. Alfie: Sea Biscuit, this is Zariel. Sea Biscuit: Ah! Lovely to meet you! They call me Sea Biscuit. Zariel: You are beautiful- Sea Biscuit: *is picking up what Zariel is laying down* Take me out to dinner first.

Zariel and Sea Biscuit just click. They already seem to be a match made in hell or heaven or the outer planes or whatever analogy you want to use.

Truk takes Sea Biscuit aside and starts explaining things to him. Truk: How would you like to rule this Kingdom with her? Sea Biscuit: I would not be opposed to it. I'm interested to see how our relationship progresses. It's lovely to meet you by the way. And Sea Biscuit extends a wing out for Truk to shake. And they shake.

Alfie asks Brick about the spell book he has and where it came from. Brick is bullshitting us, and we all clock him on it. Brick doesn't know where the book came from.

Sea Biscuit does have a very convenient humanoid form and shows it to Zariel who blushes.

Bob questions if Zariel is still here and Alfie tells him that she is preoccupied with someone else.

Then he says that we have a wedding to plan.

Zariel perks up at that and asks us what we want.

The weddings of both Fluffy Scruffington and Alfie and Rayna and Lu are being planned

#dnd #dungeons and dumbasses #dungeons and dragons #i have a problem #a shipping problem

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: Where do we go from here?

Cast includes Rose the DM, Alfie (yours truly), Truk, Rayna, and Patrick

We open up in Truk's dream where he is talking to Brick about going back to his home country. Truk is scared knowing that there are people there that would be out to kill him or take him back there by force. Brick tells him to place his trust in his party.

Truk wakes up in the hotel with a headache. "No matter how many times that happens I'm still not used to it."

Then in the hallways he hears a zoom go past.

"What the fuck?" Five minutes pass and he hears another zoom.

He hesitantly gets up and opens the door and waits silently.

He sees a blur of white and black feathers with a red streak zoom past him. Alfie has the zoomies.

Rayna leaves a net out in one of the halls to catch him. Alfie runs past and phases through the net.

The ringing of a loud grandfather clock echos through the hotel. Breakfast is ready. As Truk goes to the lobby he sees Alfie hanging from the chandelier by his tail and he is vibrating. Truk: HOW MUCH CAFFIENE DID YOU DRINK? Me: None. Alfie is uncaffeinated. This is pure adhd chaos. Alastor: Hello, my fine feathered friend! Would you like to come down from there? We have the finest coffee in hell. Rayna: *goes to shoot a tranquilizer dart at Alfie only to see that Alfie has vanished* Alfie is now in the kitchen.

Lucifer has a giant stack of waffles. Patrick has an even bigger stack of waffles and engulfs it along with butter and syrup.

Alfie walks out of the kitchen with two coffees and is drinking one of them. He is visibly calmer now and hands one of them to Truk who has a plate full of venison. Truk downs it. "Do you think it's safe to eat this?" Alfie shrugs "Probably."

Truk eats the raw venison and is perfectly fine.

At some point the party is talking about how most of us have claws or talons and Bob shows up and says that he doesn't have talons.

Alfie asks Bob if he wants to talk to his mother, He hesitantly says yes. So, Alfie asks if he wants him to come with and he says no. "Facing my mother is something I have to do alone." And he walks off. "Make sure you take it easy. No strenuous exercise. And remember you don't have to forgive her for anything."

And Bob goes off to find his mother somewhere in hell.

Truk then calls for the party's attention. Alfie is currently eating a waffle Gollum style, but he is paying attention.

Truk tells us about how he must go to Russia and the party says that they are by his side. Alfie has a bit of unfinished business in Hell. Plus, we need to stop at Carmilla Carmine's place for some angelic weaponry.

Alfie's paternal grandparents are in Hell because they were child abusers. Alfie finishes his breakfast and asks the party a simple question. "Who wants to beat the shit out of some child abusers?

Truk perks up and is already on his way to the door. Angel Dust pulls out his tommy guns. Vaggie readies her angelic spear.

Charlie: No nonono. no violence this is not a part of the healing journey. Alfie: I beg to differ. It can be very... Cathartic. Especially when it's deserved. The party leaves with Angel Dust and Vaggie in tow. Alfie hands out photos of what his paternal grandparents look like.

Truk rolls for perception and doesn't find Alfie's grandparents but Hitler. Brick had given Truk stories of what he did and Truk is about to beat his ass. Hitler is paralyzed in fear and Patrick doesn't know who he is and Truk lists off the horrors that man has committed. Alfie looks at Hitler and gets a read on what kind of man he is.

Rayna gets a 36 and spots Alfie's grandparents and shoots both of them in the legs so they can't run while we add to Hitler's punishment.

Hitler's skull is caved in by Truk's great club. We watch as his body regenerates. Truk: who wants the go next. Alfie: I could use a warmup. I'll go next. Alfie summons every single one of his weapons including ones the party didn't know he had. Alfie has a shot gun. When he is done with him there is just a puddle of blood and viscera. Patrick drags Hitler off to a different room when he regenerates.

And so, Alfie stalks towards his grandparents. "Hello. I have a score to settle on behalf of someone else." They recognize him. "Hello Alfonse." "You have a lot of nerve saying my name like that. You know what you did. I know what you did. I think it's time for you to be the victims."

"What are you talking about?" "Did you honestly think that just because I'm autistic that makes me an idiot?" "Yes."

"Oh, I'm soooo scared-" but before his grandmother, Sarrac can even finish, she is cut off as Truk's great club crushes her with an audible crunch.

Alfie smiles and stands over his grandmother as she reforms.

"You have no idea who or what I am. What exactly the union of Cora and Hurruk has made."

"Who?" "Don't tell me you've forgotten your children's names? I'm talking about your eldest son, Hurruk and his wife Cora Blackstreak." "Our son married a freak?" "You have no idea. Would you like to know why you should be afraid?"

Alfie doesn't even let her respond and Truk drags Alfie's grandfather, Kirierrk away.

Alfie reaches into his grandmother's mind and shows her his true form. This causes her to have a seizure. As she convulses on the ground, he turns to Kirierrk. "Do you want what she's having?" His grandfather looks terrified as he shakes his head no. Truk drags him off and pulls him up to look him in the eyes.

"Do you regret what you did?" He gets no response, and he throws him to the ground. "You are worse than the dirt on my boot."

Truk slowly pushes the tip of his great sword into Alfie's Grandfather's chest. He is then lifted into the air and swung towards Rayna. Rayna bats him back towards Truk and Alfie tosses Truk a baseball bat so they can keep playing baseball with his body.

Bob is walking past and sees what we are doing and slowly shuffles away.

Patrick walks out with two things. Hitler's limp body and a perfectly excavated nervous system. Patrick had placed a series of healing spells on his nervous system to keep him alive.

Alfie smiles and meanwhile in the background Angel Dust is unloading his tommy guns into Alfie's grandmother and Vaggie is repeatedly stabbing her in the head.

Alfie questions if Patrick would like to unload something onto his grandparents and he says that he needs a break after having spent several hours slowly dissecting Hitler.

Truk finally lets Kirierrk fall to the ground.

Alfie hasn't exacted much justice on his grandfather and loudly wonders if we can meld Hitler's nervous system with Kirierrk's nervous system. Patrick gives him Hitler's nervous system and Alfie drags his grandfather into a separate building to carry out this experiment.

Eventually Alfie comes back out dragging his grandfather behind him who looks like he has seen war. "Why don't we see how much these knew nerves make you scream."

And then we see Adam with Nifty in pursuit.

Rayna trips Adam and chops off his legs so he can't escape. Alfie asks Nifty if she has any ideas on how to torment them. "STAB STAB STAB." And Alfie offers her his grandfather. She stabs him so much.

Eventually we run out of ways to kill them. Alfie's grandparents are taken to a special room where they are sentenced to be tortured and killed for the rest of eternity.

Alfie: Alright we need to talk to a Miss Carmilla Carmine? Bystander: Her place is right past the flaming garbage dump. Alfie: Thanks!

And we go off to Carmilla Carmine's place. Rose: You are met with two very large doors. Me: Is there a doorbell? Rayna's Player: I kick the door down. Rose: Roll for strength Rayna's Player: *rolls* 26 Rose: You have broken the door off its hinges. Alfie: RAYNA WHAT THE FUCK? THAT IS SO RUDE! Carmilla: WHY DID YOU BREAK MY DOOR DOWN? Truk: You sell angelic steel? Alfie: Sorry about this! *starts fixing the doors* Patrick: *pulls out two barrels out of his cartoon pockets. One has nails the other has screws* Me: I roll to find the screws I need. Rose: Roll perception. Me: *rolls* 8. Rose: You look for the screws you need, and you've been searching for a while and realize that you've been going through the wrong barrel. Alfie: *groans and quickly finds the screws he needs and starts repairing the door*

Meanwhile Truk is talking with Carmilla Carmine. She knows about his grudge with Betty White and offers to meld existing weapons with angelic steel.

Truk was going to see if they could do that with Radahn's Great Sword but without even turning around Alfie says that it probably isn't a good idea cuz it is very cursed. Instead, he requests she do it to a great club. Any weapons melded with angelic steel gain an additional d10 of radiant damage.

Carmilla: That will be 500 gold and your firstborn child. Alfie: *halfway done with fixing the doors* What if he's childfree? Carmilla: I joke. Only 1000 gold. Rayna gets one of her axes melded with angelic steel. Alfie is halfway through fixing the second door when Carmilla says that she has something Alfie might be interested in. Angelic steel feathers. In flight you can fire them at someone dealing 1d10 radiant damage. Alfie takes those and requests that Carmilla meld angelic steel with his crimson blood blade. Rayna requests a blessed rocket launcher.

Alfie finished up the repairs on the door and finds he is missing a screw upon checking the door's structural integrity.

He checks the ground and finds nothing before summoning the screw he needs and finished the door. "There we go." "Thank you."

Alfie asks Patrick if he would like a mark of his protection. Patrick: What would that do. Alfie: Let people know not to mess with you lest they incur my wrath. Patrick: What is your wrath? Alfie: You don't want to find out. Do you want the mark? Patrick: Sure! Alfie: What's your favorite color? You can have a rainbow one to match your hair! Patrick: Do you have one that's like a mood ring? Alfie: Yeah, I do. Alfie pulls out a friendship bracelet that turns from purple to blue showing that Alfie is feeling calm and tosses it to Patrick. It coils itself around his wrist and it constantly changes colors but always has a yellow zig zagging streak down the middle.

Me: You can't remove the friendship bracelet. To do so you have to succeed on a d35 strength save. Rayna's player: So, me and Truk are probably the only ones who could remove it. Me: You could ask Alfie to remove it but then he'd be sad.

Outside Alfie sees Bob talking to a blob and knows it to be Betty White. Even from that distance Alfie can tell that Bob is crying as he throws a smoke bomb and walks off to Alfie. Alfie flies up so he's eye level with Bob and cups the sides of his face wiping his tears away.

Alfie: How did things go? Bob stutters and as he speaks more tears stream down his face. Bob: You're very shiny... Alfie: Yeah buddy, I am shiny. Alfie can tell that Bob doesn't really want to talk about it and is clearly emotionally distressed and gives him a bottle of Gatorade. "You want a hug?" Bob sinks to the floor shaking and cries harder. "Yes..." And Alfie wraps his arms and wings around Bob who buries his face into Alfie's chest as he sobs.

Bob's parents never told him they loved him or that they were proud of him before. Bob has grown to genuinely care about Alfie. Alfie has given him the love and care that he didn't get from his parents, the validation that he was denied and a proper friendship that he hadn't actually let anyone come close enough to accept. It's a touching moment of vulnerability.

Then Cherry Bomb shows up having heard that we were beating up child abusers. Alfie fills her in on what happened and when she goes to add to their suffering, she gives Bob a pat on the back which causes him to break out into hives. Bob is very allergic to cherries. The fruit and artificial flavor.

Alfie panics and asks if Bob has an EpiPen. Bob does not know what an EpiPen is. "You gotta go to the hospital for that-" And then Truk places a hand on Bob and says no to the allergic reaction and heals him. Bob keeps crying in Alfie's arms and occasionally sips on the Gatorade before falling asleep.

After a while Alfie picks up Bob (Bob is still hugging Alfie) and says to the party that we need to get back to Finkelberg.

Rayna's player: Please let this be a normal session... Rose: With Bob? No way! Me: With Alfie no way. Patrick's Player: More like with this party no way. Rose: Bob was originally supposed to be the BBEG... Me: But we lored our way out of it. Rose: This campaign is not serious enough for a bbeg.

In the distance we hear the Magic School Bus theme song.

Cruisin' on down main street~

And we see the magic school bus go by. Miss Frizzle: All right kids today we’re taking a field trip to Hell as my war crimes have caught up with me!

Then in the distance Rayna and Truk spot a 1967 Chevy Impala and they both start running towards it. They each feel a large spectral hand wrap around them, and Alfie just looks incredibly tired.

"Are you trying to feel the full strength of my disappointment?" Truk keeps trying to run.

Rayna and Truk's player: Can I make a strength save to escape? Rose: Jazz this is up to you. Can they? Me: No, you can't. There isn't anything physical you can resist against. Rayna's player: I got a nat 20. Me: *surprised* You somehow turn into liquid and slink through what can only be described as a souped-up mage hand. Rayna's player: She keeps running towards the car. Truk: *struggling* No please I want to drive I want to drive- Me: Alfie vanishes the car keys. Rayna's player: She hot wires it. Dean Winchester: NO, I JUST FIXED HER UP!

Alfie teleports back to the hotel with Bob still asleep in his arms and Truk currently restrained and struggling.

Truk: I want to drive I want to drive- Alfie: So, a car might come crashing into the hotel soon... Charlie: WHAT? Alfie: Rayna carjacked someone. Truk: Please I want to drive- Alfie: *goes to sit down on a couch* No, you lost your driving privileges when you crashed us into a wall. Hang on- Brick brick brick... Brick: Sup. Alfie: *points to Truk* How do we get this to stop? Brick: Get the bear.

And Alfie summons the 7-foot teddy bear and floats it in front of Truk. Truk slowly calms down and does the grabby hands. "Gimme gimme gimme- And Alfie sets Truk on the ground and Truk cuddles into the bear.

Then Rayna comes crashing into the hotel, smashing through the door and Alfie uses his magic to push everyone out of the way of the car. It crashes into the elevator, which was just closing clamping the front of the car off. Rayna takes 12 points of bludgeoning damage. Rayna has lost her driving privileges.

Rayna exits the car and goes "WOOOOO!" In the distance we hear a cry of devastation.

Alfie snaps his fingers, and the car is repaired and back with the Winchester brothers. There is a sticky note on the steering wheel that says "Sorry my party members are idiots. Have some pie." and each brother's favorite kind of pie are on the seats of the car. He snaps his fingers again and the hotel starts repairing itself.

Then he starts making small talk with Alastor. Bob is still asleep in his arms. Alfie: So, what landed you down here? Alastor: I was a successful radio host. Alfie: That doesn't send you to hell. Were you a serial killer? Alastor: Yes, I was. Alfie: What was your kill count? Alastor: Alright in the summer of 1925- Multiply by six carry the two... Alfie: I'm talking about your mortal kill count. Alastor: I know! That would be 42. Alfie: Huh. My kill count is higher than yours. Alastor: *slightly offended* Well you're not mortal! Alfie: Those kills were before I found out what I am. 640. Alastor: *impressed*

Rayna's kill count is higher than Alfie's by 10. Truk has the highest kill count in the party. He is a war veteran at 16.

Finally, it is time to leave.

Alfie's parents hesitate. "Come on let's go." And so, we are on the highway to Hell on our way back to the portal. Alfie is floating on his back to make sure Bob doesn't wake up from his much-needed rest. Cora Blackstreak: So, is he your boyfriend? Alfie: *goes pale* No. No no no we are not a thing. Hurruk: We don't care if you're gay! Alfie: It's not that I'm gay, I am fruity as hell, but I have a partner. We've been together for five years. Truk: You've been with the cat for five years? Then Lucifer pulls up next to us. Lucifer: You do realize you could use the portals in Hell to get back to earth, right? Truk: We're not even from Earth. Alfie: We came from the Fey Wilds. The portal we came through is that way. Truk and Rayna lost their driving privileges and I have this *gesturing to a sleeping Bob* so we're on foot. Lucifer: They are banned from driving in Hell. Rayna: What makes you think we'll listen to you? We killed a God. Lucifer: oh. *leaves*

We make it to the portal and step through back in the Finkelberg Museum.

Alfie: Welcome to the Finkelberg Museum! Cora and Hurruk: Wow. Alfie: *points at the painting next to the painting of Hell* Don't go in that one. Hurruk: Why not? It looks very pretty. Truk: That is a portal to the sun. Cora: OH. Dakota Jones: Okay which one of you took Hank? Alfie: *shushes Dakota Jones* be quiet *points at Bob* Patrick: Who's Hank? Dakota Jones: Oh my god. Bob really is a bitch. Alfie: *glares at Dakota Jones with malicious intent* Dakota Jones: *fear* I mean Bob is a wonderful individual who deserves all the love in the world! Alfie: *still glaring* Good. Dakota Jones knows what Alfie is. He knows better than to incur Alfie's wrath.

Patrick pops a memory marble, and a scene plays out on his skin.

A hulking tall muscular man putting on armor. He can tell that that's him. He senses it. But he looks nothing like that. There's an emblem that he's wearing but the details are too fuzzy.

Patrick: Bob, you did give me my memories, right? Bob stirs and Alfie glares at Patrick. Bob clearly needs his sleep. Bob: *sleepy* yes, I gave you your memories. Alfie: *still glaring at Patrick* Patrick: I saw me but- I don't look... like that. Bob: *very sleepy* You've been in the fey wilds for a long time. It changed your form. Alfie: Okay go back to sleep. Bob nuzzles his face into Alfie's chest and goes back to sleep. Hurruk: *whispering to Cora* Are we sure they're not dating? Cora: *whispers back* They'll definitely end up together.

Hurruk and Cora are correct. At least 500 years later Bob and Alfie enter a queer platonic relationship and get married for tax benefits and companionship.

Alfie goes to leave, and Dakota Jones calls out "At least bring back Hank every now and then." "How often?" "Once a year." "Fey years or mortal years?" "Either works." "Okay." and Alfie leaves a basket of muffins on the front desk. "Thank you." "Are you fey born?" "No, I was banished here."

And we leave the museum. Cora: So, when do we get to meet your partner?" Alfie: Not right now, they're probably still hung over. We were drinking a lot a few days ago. Hurruk: What were you drinking? Alfie: Polish rectified spirit. We were trying to break Bob's record. Hurruk: How much did they drink?! Alfie: About 79 shots? Cora: How are they not dead? Alfie: I ask myself that a lot. Hurruk: Where do we stay? Alfie: The tavern is also an inn. Actually, how would you like to have a reunion with someone?

Hurruk looks confused and Alfie wakes Bob.

Alfie: Can I put you down? Bob: *sleepily nods*

Alfie summons a couch and sets Bob on the couch with a blanket.

Then he pulls out the spell book he's had since he came to these realms. Flipping through the pages he stops at the page that shows his adoptive parents Creek and Ollie with a third person obscured by their arms. They are about to be engulfed in flames and Alfie commits that to his memory before flipping back to the page with a certain rendition of the portal spell.

It's how to save someone in their last moments. "Rayna, be a dear and give me Radahn's heart" he says as he pulls out each ingredient from his bag of holding.

He starts by taking a vial of false hydra blood and painting a large spell circle with a diamond whose points intersect with the edges of the circle. He takes the unicorn horn and starts carving runes into the ground with it before crushing it into powder in his hand before placing it on one point of the diamond. It's almost like he's done this before. A glowing circle appears around it, and he does the same thing with the elder brain matter, then the Rum Rum spores, and lastly the heart of Radahn. Placing the book in the center of the circle Alfie places a hand on it and starts muttering words in primordial.

The ingredients are enveloped by a bright white glow, and they swirl around before opening a glowing white doorway through the fabric of time and space.

There's a wide grin on Alfie's face. "I'll be right back." Through this portal there is Creek, a tall white bird folk with long feathers on his head that fade into a rusty red and an eye patch over his left eye. His arms are wrapped around a pheasant by the name of Ollie. Between them clutched in their arms is a figure who is about 2 and a half feet tall. Flames are approaching them and are about to engulf them when they freeze. They open their eyes confused and see a glowing white door with a familiar face in it. Alfie stands there and they can't believe it. "I can get you out of here!" he shouts as he extends a hand. Creek takes his hand and Alfie pulls them back through the portal and a burst of flames comes through the door as it closes behind them.

Alfie's voice cracks as he wraps them all in a hug. "I never thought I'd see you again..."

As he pulls away with tears streaming down his face Creek has a question. "Are we in heaven?" "No. We're all alive. Even them." Alfie gestures to Hurruk and Creeks eyes light up. "Long time no see, little brother!" Hurruk scoffs. "I was born six years before you!" "And yet here you are at 28? I'm 36! That is 8 years older than you!" and Creek gives Hurruk a noogie.

Alfie scoops up the small figure and spins him around. "God damn it, Argot! I have never been happier to see you in a burning building!"

This figure is Alfie's adopted brother, Argot the goblin. He's 8 years old and shorter than the average goblin. "Where are we?" "A whole new universe buddy!" "There's other universes?" "Yeah, welcome to the fey wilds!"

Ollie is chatting with Cora. And Bob wakes up confused. "When the fuck did we get to Finkelberg?" The swear jar appears next to him and he begrudgingly puts one gold piece in it.

Later we are all in the Tavern and Fluffy despite still being a bit hungover manages to make a good impression on all of Alfie's parents.

A drunk guy bumps into Fluffy Scruffington and Alfie immediately starts chewing him out. There are many curses, but this is a taste of what was said. "Watch where you're going, you asshat. You know, somewhere there's a village searching for their idiot. Do you work hard to be such a brainless dolt? Your parents must change the subject when people ask about you. Did you practice being this much of a failure, or does it come naturally to you? I'd insult your parents, but I doubt you know them. Get the fuck out of my sight you mistake of nature-"

He crumples to the ground dead. Somehow Alfie managed to cast vicious mockery. He is not a bard, and he did it anyways. Alfie has to put 30 coins in the swear jar.

Behind him Fluffy Scruffington pulls out a ring that they definitely stole and gets down on one knee.

After this pathetic drunkard has perished Alfie turns around and gasps before shuffling through his pockets and pulling out a box that has a hand-crafted ring in it. They embrace and Alfie spins them around.

With the engagement of Alfonse Redfeather and Fluffy Scruffington the session is brought to a close.

#dnd #dungeons and dumbasses #dungeons and dragons

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: Is it Hot in Here or is it Just Hell?

Cast includes: Rose the DM, Alfie (yours truly), Truk, Rayna, Patrick and Quinn

We open up in the Finkelberg Tavern.

Valentino shows up in the tavern. Alfie gets bad vibes and drags him out of the tavern by his stupid moth collar as soon as he opens his perverted creepy mouth and says "There's a kink for everything." The party hears pained cries and the sounds of violence outside the tavern. Just the sound of a fist colliding with flesh. Even after the cries stop the assault goes on for another minute before Alfie walks back in with fresh blood on his hands. Truk: Is that your blood? Alfie: No. *wipes his hands clean and sits at the table*

Truk and Alfie are chatting at the table.

Alfie: So... How old were you when your parents died? Truk: I was five... Alfie: I was 4 when my parents died.

Truk starts trauma dumping.

When Truk was a kid the kingdom of Russia was attacked by an eldritch entity by the name of Betty White. His parents were slain in front of him and then Brick appeared and killed Betty White sending her to the planet Earth to atone for what she did and live a mortal life.

Truk: I don't even know if I can go home... Alfie: I can't go home either. It's gone. My home is gone. Truk: Maybe I can go back. Give whoever is in charge the right to rule. Alfie: If that's what you really want, I'll go with you.

Bob appears and says that it was quite the tragic story.

Alfie: Bob would you also like to trauma dump? Bob: Sure, why not? I don't really know my mother. She isn't in my life anymore. Alfie: Betty White? Bob: Yes. Truk gets very angry. "That woman is the reason I lost everything."

Alfie sets a hand on Truk and he goes quiet.

At some point Alfie says that he wants Bob to set up boundaries with him and Bob doesn't really know what boundaries are or what their purpose is or why he's supposed to set them and Truk and Alfie are like "Oh gods he's a people pleaser."

Bob: Alfie you can summon things, right? Alfie: Yes, I can. Bob: Good. I need Baja Blast. *collapses to the ground* Alfie: *sighs* You need to go to rehab... *summons a can of Baja Blast* Quinn: What the-? Rose: Be careful. He might bite your hand off. Truk: *tosses Bob the can* Rose: Bob inhales the can. Alfie: Bob did you go to the ER? Bob: No. Alfie: WHY. Bob: It's expensive... Alfie: You just got paid and are now on health insurance. Bob: Oh yeah... Alfie: Bob if you don't go to the ER, I will drag you there myself. Bob: Do they have baja blast there? Alfie: *snaps his fingers* They do now. Me: There is now a bottle of baja blast at the ER. It has a sticky note that says, "For Bob" Rose: Bob doesn't know that you know his real name Alfie: I know your name by the way. Bob: *dread* What? Alfie: Calm down. Bob: Does anyone else know? Alfie: Mark, Gorg and Patrick were there but I don't know if Pat remembers. NOW GO TO THE ER.

At the ER it is revealed that Bob has 14 different health conditions, and they are all related to caffeine except for the broken arm and ribs. He has enough kidney stones to fill a fish tank.

Doctor: You need to stop drinking baja blast. Bob: *goes to leave* Nurse: Hey, we haven't discharged you yet! Bob: I'm leaving. Doctor: Sir, please sit down don't make us call security. Bob: Alfie Alfie Alfie! Alfie: What the fuck? Bob: I want to go home. I don't like hospitals. Alfie: *sighs* Okay let's make a deal. If you are to leave this hospital you will be under my care. That includes a decrease in baja blast. Rehab and therapy. Bob: Okay deal! I just want to go home... Alfie: *turns to the medical staff* He is under my care. I will make sure he takes it easy and adheres to the treatment plan. The medical staff gives Alfie a thumbs up and Alfie and Bob teleport back to the Inn.

Alfie: So, less Baja Blast. Bob: But why? Alfie: Bob, you are incredibly dehydrated. You need electrolytes. Baja Blast may have electrolytes but the citric acid and sugar zeros it out. Nay it negatives it out. Bob: Do you have anything that tastes like baja blast? Alfie: *summons a bunch of electrolyte drink mix flavors and sports drinks* I wouldn't recommend the passion fruit one. Actually, you know what? *snaps fingers and the passion fruit one bursts into flames* Bob: What is a gay-tor-ade? Does it have alligator in it? Alfie: Unfortunately, no. That's a bit of false advertising. It's commonly drunk before or after strenuous workouts. Bob: *tries some of the Gatorade* Damn that's good! Can I have more? Alfie: On one condition. Bob: *perks up* Alfie: You have to drink more water. Bob: I will drink a liter of water a day. Alfie: Okay. Me: Alfie summons an infinite Gatorade dispenser. It has a limiter on it. Rose: Bob goes to touch the limiter Me: It burns him. Bob: OW! Alfie: Everything in moderation. Bob: Alright. No more baja blast. *goes to leave* Alfie: Cold turkey on caffeine? You are in for a surprise. Bob: *takes two steps and passes out* Rose: He is fast asleep. Alfie: Looks like I'm carrying you to your house again. *Picks him up bridal style and takes him to his house* Rose: You enter his house and see that all of the Mountain Dew stuff is replaced with Gatorade stuff. Me: I tuck him into bed, give him a pat on the head and go to leave a bottle of Gatorade on the nightstand when I see the owlbear sculpture I gave him before the MLP arc. Alfie: Aww he cares... He actually looks kind of cute asleep. Bob: *asleep but mutters* I'm not cute... Alfie: *walks off* definitely cute.

Alfie reenters the tavern and sees Fluffy Scruffington in the corner waiting for him. Rayna is flirting with her wife at the bar.

Truk goes to the study and finds paper and crayons and he sits down and starts coloring.

Alfie sits down at the standing piano and starts to play. What comes out of it is a Bard core version of Rap God. Rose rolls performance for Fluffy to sing along and gets a natural 20. Fluffy is now the newest rap god having dethroned Eminem who descends from the rafters saying thank you and that he can finally go home. Fluffy does not gain immortality for the sake of creation.

Quinn is at the bar drunkenly singing and Alfie requests a glass of the strongest alcohol in the Tavern because he's an eldritch entity that wants to get drunk. Alfie gets a glass of Polish rectified spirit which is 96% alcohol.

Alfie: *downs the entire glass and feels nothing* Truk: *comes out of the study* What are you doing? Alfie: Getting drunk. Truk: Can I have a shot of that? Brick: Yes. Alfie: I don't think you're ready for this. Quinn: *drunk* I'll get the same. Lu: *slides a shot to Truk and Quinn* Alfie: *downs a second glass and feels a bit warm and fuzzy* Quinn: *has a drop and passes out* Truk: *downs the shot and starts drunk laughing* Can I have another? Alfie: Slow down, tiger. That hangover would be WILD. Lu: *slides a shot of water to Truk and winks at Alfie* Here you go, this is the good stuff. Alfie: *winks back*

Before Truk can even pick up the shot glass he passes out. Rose: Would Alfie like another glass right now? Me: Alfie's the dad friend. He's going to carry Truk and Quinn to their rooms. Alfie: *picks up Truk bridal style* Let's get you to bed. Fluffy: I'm going to marry that. Part of the way up the stairs Truk stirs. Truk: Where am I? Alfie: The inn. I'm taking you to bed. Truk: *drunkenly* noooooo... Alfie: *summons Truk's giant teddy bear* You want your bear? Truk: *clings on to the bear and falls back asleep* Alfie tucks Truk in and leaves a glass of water and some pain killers on the nightstand and does the same thing with Quinn.

Back downstairs Alfie sees another placard that shows Bob's record for number of shots taken. 80 shots. Alfie and Fluffy attempt it. Alfie could definitely break that record but stops himself about 10 shots in because he has the self-awareness to know that there should be at least one person in the party that isn't hung over and that he could relapse into alcoholism. On a scale of 1 to 10 Alfie is at a 5. Fluffy has broken the scale. They can't even form words.

Alfie: You wanna go upstairs and cuddle? Fluffy: *lets out a jumbled slur of drunken noises* Alfie: just nod or shake your head no... Fluffy: *nods with their entire body*

So, Alfie and Fluffy head up to Alfie's room and fall asleep.

The next day Truk and Quinn wake up in their separate rooms to the sound of rustling in the tavern.

Truk goes to investigate first and sees Alfie stress cooking. He has truesight so he just sees a hulking black many eyed vaguely avian eldritch horror making breakfast for everyone. And this is the first time the party hears Alfie's morning voice.

Truk: *hung over* Good morning, Alfie. Alfie: *deep voice* Mornin' Truk Truk: *freezes* What the fuck is wrong with your voice? The Swear jar appears in front of Truk. He puts one gold piece in. Quinn: *also hungover* Oooh waffles! Alfie: What are you talking about? Truk: Your voice is wrong. Alfie: Ah. You haven't heard me first thing in the morning. Bob: *walks into the tavern* Good morning everyone! Oo breakfast. Alfie: Mornin' Bob. Bob: *backs into a wall* WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ALFIE? Alfie: *tired* Bob, it's me. My voice is just deeper in the morning. Someone forgot to refill the coffee maker. Is Cafae Latte open? Bob: *still shaken up* Yes. Alfie: Can you get some coffees that won't curse us? Bob: Of course, it's on the house. *comes back with coffee for the party* Coffees for everyone and 14 shots of eldritch blood in espresso for you. Alfie: Much appreciated *grabs cup and starts drinking* Truk: *grabs a coffee* I feel terrible. Quinn: *also grabs a coffee* can I have peanut butter on my waffles? Alfie: Ahhh... Much better. *gives Quinn a jar of peanut butter* Bob: Can I have some french toast? Alfie: Of course! *starts cracking eggs* You look rough, Truk. Truk: Hang on. *starts smashing his head into a wooden beam in an attempt to cure his hangover* Rose: Roll for damage. Truk: *rolls* Rose: The beam is bent out of shape. Bob: You're going to have to pay for that... Truk: I can fix it. Alfie: Truk! Catch! Me: He tosses Truk a bottle of Gatorade. Rose: What flavor? Me: Cherry. Bob: *hisses at the bottle* Truk: *catches the bottle but it falls out of his hands cuz he forgot to close them* Alfie: What do you want for breakfast? Truk: 3 pounds of sausage. *downs the bottle of Gatorade* Alfie: *opens a portal to the sausage dimension* Rose: You should keep Truk away from that. The portal closes right when 3 pounds of sausage are dispensed, and Alfie puts them on the griddle right next to the french toasts.

Bob: You seem stressed. Alfie: That's because I am! Bob: Can I ask why? Alfie: *multitasking* I have no memory of my biological parents due to a concussion and I'm going to meet them today. Of course I'm stressed! How could I not be stressed? Truk, order up! *flips the sausage links into a bowl with a fork* Truk: *takes the bowl and starts eating the sausages like spaghetti* Alfie: And here is your french toast! Do you want some syrup? Bob: Don't be mad *pulls out a bottle of baja blast syrup* Alfie: That's fine it's caffeine free. Quinn did you get breakfast? Yes you already have breakfast I'm the only one who hasn't eaten breakfast...

Bob drowns his french toast with syrup, unhinges his jaw and eats it all at once. Alfie gets down on the ground pulls out a cartoonishly large chunk of meat on a bone and starts tearing into it. It's like watching a dog with a chew toy. "You must've been really hungry." Bob says as Alfie makes quick work on the meat. "I try to be vegetarian, but I do have to eat meat. Don't know if it's a miscellaneous bird thing or an eldritch thing or both." he responds before biting off the end of the bone and scooping the marrow out with his long tongue before eating the bone itself.

At some point Alfie is looking at Truk and quietly says Alfie: You're autistic, aren't you? Brick: *appears behind Alfie* THANK YOU. One of the reasons Brick brought Truk to the party is because he has been trying to get Truk an autism diagnosis and every psychiatrist he has taken Truk to hasn't connected those dots and most of the party is autistic. Truk gets diagnosed via peer review,

Alfie gave Bob more smoke bombs. Bob used one and we saw him slowly walking out of the tavern as the smoke cleared.

Alfie has to stop at Sh'am and trade his Cape of the Mountebank since he doesn't need it anymore. So, Alfie leaves the Tavern and heads over there with Truk and Quinn. Fluffy is still in Alfie's room regretting their existence.

Alfie: Hello! I would like to make a sale or exchange. Sh'am Guy: Oh hello! Would you like a pet or some more pokéballs? Alfie: I have a Paul *lets Paul out of the pokéball* Paul: Moo. Sh'am Guy: Would you like more pokéballs? Me: Alfie thinks really hard about summoning a pokéball and snaps his fingers. Rose: Alfie successfully summons a pokéball. Alfie: No. Sh'am Guy: Would you like to look at the pets? The party: Why not? Paul: *looks annoyed* Rose: He thinks you're going to trade him in. Alfie: *cups the sides of Paul's face* I would never trade you. Paul: Moo!

Rose: The Shopkeeper takes you to the pets and the first things you see are these:

Quinn takes a Gooze, Truk takes the three Jungle Chompers, and Alfie watches the animals to see how they interact with Paul. The Fungus-Furred Flounder Ferret gives Paul a sniff and seems to like them. Alfie gets down on the floor and extends a hand to let the ferret sniff him. The ferret flinches before taking its time smelling him and nuzzles into his hand. "I'll take her." Alfie now has two therapy animals, one for compression and the other for grounding. Rayna joins us in the shop and adopts the Sword Sword.

Truk is surrounded by some very excited Jungle Chompers and remembers to ask Alfie a question. "Alfie, Mordecai told me something about my sword. Do you know how to remove a curse from something?" "It's not something I know now but I can learn it. What kind of curse?" "I'm not quite sure but when I use it... It tells me to do things. Bad things. It wants to make me do them. Make me want to do them."

Alfie freezes upon hearing that. "No... no no... no no nono nononono..." He starts shaking and backing away from Truk. He's looking at him like an animal that could go rabid at any moment frantically muttering "No no no no I can't do that again not again." Truk can see that Alfie isn't present. He isn't quite there anymore, and his eyes are glazed over as he backs away.

He approaches Alfie and places a hand on his shoulder at which Alfie flinches. "You're alright. I won't hurt you. I will not hurt you..." and he pulls Alfie close. Alfie's entire body shakes as he lets out a shuddering sob and presses his head into Truk's chest. They stay like that for a minute before Alfie pulls away and wipes the tears from his face.

"I should probably tell you about my trauma..." "I would prefer to know so I don't trigger that again." Alfie sighs before beginning. "So, you know I died and that I'm from a different world. I had a party there. They... didn't treat me well. In fact, most of them hated me but I stuck around for the ones who didn't." He laughs before continuing. "I guess part of me didn't feel like I deserved better. We weren't good people. We traveled around earning status for the sake of a rebellion. A king threw a ball in our honor, and I knew something was off about him. I tried to tell them, but my opinion didn't matter. I was just the chicken who couldn't do anything right in their eyes... At that ball the king revealed himself to be Ascian. God of that world. The Story Writer, he called himself. He made Boriel turn into a monster. Even those he liked or even tolerated were killed. He didn't recognize any of us. I watched my party members die around me in cold blood. And even so Ascian killed Boriel for fun. There wasn't much I could do. I knew it wasn't a battle we could win. So, I asked for death. And I regret that so much. Turns out that power word kill is not a peaceful way to go. But it's not like people know that. It's not like there's survivors." "I know." "You know what? That's what I'm going to do with my life. I'm going to make sure that spell gets banned."

We're quiet for a moment before Truk breaks the silence, "Do you want another hug?" Alfie laughs and says "You know what? Yeah, I would."

And they hug. Alfie hears a sniffle come from Truk and he looks up seeing tears forming at the corners of his eyes, so he hugs Truk tighter. Truk is touch starved. He hasn't gotten a hug since before his parents died and he starts crying. We've been hugging for 5 minutes, neither of us want to let go and Bob is confused and weirded out and a bit jealous cuz Bob is also touch starved. Bob doesn't know how to ask for a hug. "You're still hugging? You can let go any time now." A hand darts out and Bob is pulled into the hug. "NO NO- LET ME GO-" he says as he struggles in our grip letting out sounds of protest. Then Bob's brain short circuits and he goes slack, his eyes glaze over. Rose: It's just like that one scene in Stayed Gone. "I'm afraid you've lost your signal."

We stay like that for 2 more minutes before letting go. Bob falls to the ground and doesn't move. Rayna: Did you kill him? Alfie: Oh shit. I think we just made him blue screen. Sh'am Guy: This gives me ideas on how to screw him over. Alfie: You do realize he's under my protection, right? *Eldritch magic flashes in his eyes* Sh'am Guy: Of course! Alfie: Good, now I would like to trade this or sell it *pulls out his Cape of the Mountebank* Sh'am Guy: Do you have a receipt? Alfie: I'm pretty sure I got this gambling when I relapsed 7 years ago. Sh'am Guy: I'll give you 500 gold. Me: Depending on the source a Cape of the Mountebank can go from 8000 to 10,800 gold Alfie: *raises an eyebrow* Really? Sh'am Guy: I'll have to call my cloak guy. *ducks under the counter and pops back up in a hat, sunglasses and a fake moustache* Sh'am Cloak Guy: A Cape of the Mountebank? These things go for 8,000 gold! *ducks back under the counter* Sh'am Guy: I'll give you 5000 gold for the cloak. Alfie: *levels a stare at the shop keeper* Me: Alfie rolls to intimidate him. Rayna's player: Oh no Me: *rolls* 19. Sh'am guy: *starts sweating* 7000? Alfie: *smiles* you have a deal! Rose: He slides you a bag with 7000 gold pieces in it. Alfie: Pleasure doing business with you. Sh'am Guy: Could you tell your other friends to adopt some pets? I don't have the room to store or properly feed them. Alfie: *snaps his fingers and a pet store appears next door* There we go! Sh'am Guy: Thank you! Alfie: People really have to stop saying that in the fey wilds. Sh'am Guy: I'm not fey born. Alfie: I have three debts from Bob alone. Sh'am Guy: He says it a lot. I have 57 from him. Alfie: Have you used any? Sh'am Guy: Gods no. I'm saving them. Alfie: Have a nice day! Let's go!

Truk questions how we get to hell and Alfie says there's a painting portal there. Truk is concerned so he calls his parent, Brick. Truk: How do we get to Hell? Is Alfie right? Brick: There are several ways. The Painting portal in the museum. Alfie can open a portal to Hell with his book. Alfie: I'm not using the book. I only have to ingredients to cast it 3 times. Brick: Or... You could die. Which is off the table. Truk: Painting portal it is.

Alfie: You're autistic. Truk: No, the doctors said no. Me: An official autism card appears in front of you. It is rainbow and has your name on it. Truk: What the-? Alfie: You've been diagnosed via peer review. Truk: Oh. *takes the card and puts it in his wallet* Alfie: I have one and so does Bob. Me: It turns out that the official autism cards come from Alfie, but he doesn't know that.

We enter the museum and Alfie says hi to Dakota Jones and notices that the bathroom painting has a brand-new toilet in it. Alfie threw up in the old toilet and it dissolved due to the strength of his stomach acids. That was probably why the museum was closed for the last two days. The toilet is reinforced against acid damage.

We start scanning the museum for the painting to Hell. "Roll Perception" Alfie got a nat 1. He finds a red painting and is like oooo i think I found it and reads the placard. It is a portal to the surface of the sun. Truk got an 11 and is staring at a painting of a turkey sandwich. Rayna got a 22 and the painting to Hell is the one right next to the sun painting.

Then we have a moment with our pets and question what to name them.

Alfie: What do I name you? Rose: You don't speak animal, but you can tell that your ferret would be happy with any name you give her. Truk points to one Jungle Chomper and says "Ricky" then points at the next one and says, "Bob the second." and then glances at Alfie who is currently holding his ferret. He looks at the last Jungle Chomper and says, "Alfie the second." Rayna names the sword sword Flint. Alfie looks this little mossy green ferret in the eyes and smiles before saying "I'll name you Clementine." Clementine squeals in excitement at her new name.

Truk is a bit confused at the lack of gender of his Jungle Chompers. They are sexless and reproduce asexually. Truk: Are you a boy or girl? Bob II: rawr Truk: Ok. Rawr once for boy twice for girl *points at Bob II* Bob II: rawr Truk: *points to Alfie II* Alfie II: rawr Truk: *points to Ricky* Ricky: rawr rawr Truk: Okay.

Alfie hands out Pokeballs to Truk and Rayna and then turns to Clem and Paul. Alfie: Do you guys want to go in the pokeballs or stay out? Rose: They would like to go in the pokeballs. Everyone's animals willingly go in the pokeballs.

And so, we enter the painting to Hell. We are greeted to a long highway and a song plays in the distance. "YOU'RE ON A HIGHWAY TO HELL~ HIGHWAY TO HELL!" Next to us we see a 1967 Chevrolet Impala. There isn't anyone in the driver's seat and Truk's eyes light up. The keys are still in the ignition. Truk has his driver's license. He gets in the driver's seat and there is a sticky note on the dash. "Shotgun shuts his cakehole."

Rayna gets in the passenger seat and Alfie is in the backseat cuz wings and it's the safest place in the car. Alfie is very tense right now and is gripping onto his seatbelt and Truk guns it.

Alfie: It's okay it's okay they're under my protection they will be OKAY. Truk: *laughing maniacally* Rayna: WOOOOO Rayna's Player: She starts raging. Rose: You see a giant wall approaching. Roll performance. Truk's player: *rolls* fuck. 6. Rose: You slow down to 30 mph. You still crash into the wall. Everyone takes 30 points of bludgeoning damage. Alfie: *shakily pulls out a health potion* I don't feel safe anymore. *drinks the health potion and exits the car* Rose: You hear a cry of devastation. Dean Winchester: NO, MY BABY. WHY DID YOU STEAL MY CAR? Alfie: Honestly, it's your fault. You left it on the side of the highway with the keys in the ignition. Dean: My brother and I had to do things! Alfie: *snaps his fingers so the car is back to normal* Calm down. Have some pie. *gives Dean a cherry pie* Hang on you seem familiar. Dean: What? Alfie: AH! We met in a dream. Something about "first time dying?" Dean: I would've remembered that. Alfie: Maybe that hasn't happened to you yet.

Rose: you see two guards. "One of us tells lies the other tells the truth." Alfie: What's 2+2? Guards: We don't know how to do math... Alfie: hmm... Am I an eldritch entity? Guards: How are we supposed to know? Truk: Am I a half orc? Guard 2: I'm an optimist so I think you're a full orc. Truk: *stabs guard* Are you injured? Rose: The stab wound heals up Rayna and Truk go to chop one of the guards head off in sync. Alfie: Guys? Nothing happens. They try again and roll to hit better. Rose: Nothing happens Dean: *face down in the cherry pie* Alfie: GUYS! *clears throat and points at Dean* Is he eating a cherry pie? Guard 1: Yes. Alfie: There we go, Guard 2 is the liar. Guard 2: Unfortunately, we have to wait for the King of Hell to let you in. This was for fun. Alfie: *groans* I'm here on business. Guard 1: Are you here to beat up Valentino? Alfie: No, I already did that last night. Guards: That was you? Alfie: Yeah, and I'd do it again. Guards: Nice. Alfie: *pokes head into the nap sack* Hey Patrick? Patrick: hm? Alfie: Can I have Lucifer's soul for a moment? I'll give it right back. Patrick: *gives Alfie Lucifer's soul* Alfie: *squeaks the rubber ducky soul* Nothing happens. Dean: That's just a rubber ducky. Alfie: Hang on, can angels be summoned like Gods? Rose: Give it a try. Alfie: Lucifer Lucifer Lucifer. Lucifer: Hi! Alfie: We need to get into Hell. Lucifer: Oh, is this to kick Valentino's ass? There's a wait list. Alfie: No, I already did that. I'm here for my parents. Lucifer: Oh okay. Do stop by my daughter, Charlie's hotel. Don't tell Patrick that the ducky isn't my soul. It would crush him. And stay away from the deer fucker. Alfie: Elaborate. That could mean so many things. Lucifer: He looks like a deer. Alfie: *pokes head into the Nap Sack* thanks Pat! *returns the ducky* Hang on before we enter does anyone else want a mark of eldritch protection? Rayna: Sure. Alfie: What's your favorite color? Rayna: Emerald green. Me: an emerald green friendship bracelet jumps out at you and coils itself around your wrist. Alfie: Truk, do you want one? Truk: I wouldn't mind double protection. Alfie: Brick are you okay with that? Rose: An image of a thumbs up appears in your mind. Alfie: Favorite color? Truk: Pink. Me: a pink friendship bracelet jumps out and coils around your wrist.

Truk has given a holy symbol to each of the party members as a mark of protection.

And we enter Hell. A photo appears in Truk and Rayna's hand. "These are my parents. Keep an eye out for them. And a gnome. Stay away from the gnome. He's a dick."

We each roll an individual perception check.

Rayna rolls and sees a black and white cat with wings drinking his feelings away in a bar. Husker. She and Husker get along famously.

Truk rolls and meets Nifty. Nifty: Are you a bad boy? Truk: Do not call me a bad boy.

Alfie rolls and meets Joe Rogan who walks up to Alfie Joe Rogan: I WANT TO TALK TO YOU Alfie: *slowly drawing his starscourge dagger* About what? Joe Rogan: ABOUT THE CHEMICALS THEY'RE PUTTIN' IN THE WATER. Alfie: The chemicals? That make the frogs gay? Joe Rogan: YES. Alfie: *fakes dread* I'm afraid I've got terrible news... Joe Rogan: WHAT IS IT? Alfie: I'm afraid the chemicals are turning the birds gay too! Joe Rogan: OH FUCK. Alfie: *lurches foreword* RUN! IT'S CONTAGIOUS!

Joe Rogan runs and trips like he's in a horror movie. Once he's out of earshot Alfie bursts into laughter.

"It's funny seeing you here!" Alfie freezes and his head swivels to look at the voice. "Oh. It's you. You have A LOT of nerve approaching me." "Don't worry there isn't much I can do here." "Frankly you're lucky that I have more important things to do." "Tell Mark I say hi."

We are asked to do a group perception check.

Alfie sees two birds across the park talking with a tall lanky red demon. His eyes light up and he teleports behind them.

"Hey."

They turn around confused. "I'm sorry do we know you-" and their eyes soften. "Alfie?" he smiles. "Hi..." "You're all grown up!" says his dad. "It has been 24 years..." His mother squeals "And you're coming into your eldritch powers! I take it Azathoth spoke with you?" "He did." "But I don't understand, how are you here? The deal should've kept you safe!" They wrap Alfie in a tight embrace. Alfie tenses up. They pull away "Sorry..." "It did to an extent. I came for you." They're both confused. "How would you like a second chance?" "We can't." "I beg to differ."

Then the tall red demon speaks. Alastor: I'm afraid their souls don't belong to them. Alfie: Oh, you're that deer fucker Luci mentioned. Alastor: Oh, so you've met Short Stack! Alfie: I'm not making a deal with you. Alastor: Oh, why not? Alfie: I just got my soul back from Bob. Alastor: Bob? Alfie: I do know his real name, but he is Fey. Alastor: Oh, you mean my dear friend D'Avariss? Alfie: You know him? Alastor: Of course, we're good friends. Is he still addicted to that Baja Blast? Alfie: No, we have this deal he made with me where he is under my care that way he didn't stay overnight in the hospital. That includes rehab and therapy. Alastor: I've been trying for years! But why not strike a deal with me?

Alfie shifts revealing the protective symbols on him and Rayna. They light up and eldritch magic flashes in his eyes. "You really don't want to."

Something clicks in Alfie's brain about Alastor. Just the way he stands and the way he carries himself. "You're on a leash, aren't you?" Alastor freezes and his smile falters a bit. "What did you say?" "I've lost my soul before. I know the way it sits in the heart." Alastor's demon form leaks out as he shakes "If you mention that to anyone ever again, I will kill you." "Good luck with that. You can relax. I'm good at keeping secrets."

Cut back to Nifty and Truk. Truk shows Nifty the photo Alfie gave him. "I'm looking for these guys. Not the baby, I'm friends with the baby. He's not a baby anymore." Nifty has not seen them before and recommends he try the hotel. Nifty is very eager and Truk is just like "Give me one reason why I should trust you." She plops a crown on Truk's head. "I hereby dub thee KING ROACH." Truk panics and rips the crown off of him cuz roaches. This makes Nifty cry.

Back with the others: Alastor: So, what can I do for a servant of Brick? Alfie: I wouldn't say servant. More like family friend? I would like you to release their souls back to them. And because I don't feel comfortable asking you a thing like that for nothing in exchange, I will cook you and your friends an excellent feast. Alastor: You're a chef? Alfie: I am a bird of many talents.

From the corner of Alfie's eye, he sees an amorphous blob with many eyes. "Betty White?

A look of pure rage fills Truk's face and he charges at Betty White and swings at her.

"YOU."

He misses and he tries again. And she turns into her human form. "Please. Let's just talk!" "There is nothing to talk about." Truk is shaking. "You took everything from me." "I know." "YOU KILLED THEM. YOU DESTROYED MY KINGDOM."

And Truk collapses to the ground and sobs and feels a wing wrap around him. Alfie is by his side with a hand on his arm.

"I spent my time on Earth atoning for what I did to you." "I will never forgive you." "I don't expect you to." "I'm going to kill you." She looks sad. "I can't die here. You'll need angelic steel."

Alfie wraps his arms around Truk and squeezes. And then a tall blonde woman rushes over. "NO VIOLENCE NO MURDER."

It is Charlie Morningstar. Alfie: Are you Charlie Morningstar? Charlie: Yes? Alfie: You should call your dad he misses you. Charlie: He hasn't been present in my life. Alfie: He would not shut up about you. Just give him a call. *turns to Truk* are you good to walk? Truk nods and he stands up. Charlie: I see you met my friend. Alfie: Who? Charlie: *points at Alastor* Alfie: *cups his hand around his mouth* HEY RED GUY! WHAT'S YOUR NAME? Alastor: Alastor, the Radio Demon? Pleasure to meet you. Alfie: Never heard of you. Alastor: The rumors haven't made it to the mortal realm? Alfie: Nope. Charlie: Why don't you all come up to my hotel, you can kick back and relax. Alfie: I'm cooking. Charlie: I'll help you in the kitchen.

On the way to the hotel Alfie strikes up conversation with Charlie learning that she has mommy and daddy issues, the recent extermination attempt on the hotel and the death of Adam.

Patrick: It would be really ironic if that Adam guy was down here. Adam comes crashing down on the path.

Adam: Ugh who gave me a Hot Topic makeover? Patrick: What's a Hot Topic? Alfie: My best guess is a restaurant. Adam: No, you dip shits, it's a clothing store on Earth. Alfie: How are we supposed to know? We're from different universes, Adam: What are you weirdos talking about? There's only one universe. The best universe with that blue disk! Alfie: *stops letting gravity affect him and draws his sword* Bold words to a God for a bitch stuck on the ground. I would kill you right now if you were worth it. Alfie's parents gasp. "Adult language?!" completely ignoring that Alfie is 28. The swear jar appears in front of Alfie and he is told to put a gold piece into the jar. Rayna is confused because we have all sworn before and the swear jar moves to each party member. Everyone must put some gold in the swear jar.

It turns out Adam is a flat earther and doesn't know what gravity is and we keep heading to the hotel.

We enter and see Vaggie, Angel Dust, Cherry Bomb and Husker who is at the bar. Alfie: Thank the gods I don't have to bartend tonight. Husker: What? You wanna have a bar-off? Alfie: Not really. I have my hands full with feeding you tonight. Charlie: Kitchen is in there. Alfie stops to talk to Angel Dust and Vaggie

Angel: Hey toots. Alfie: Did you just call me "toots"? Angel: yeah. Alfie: Who are you? Angel: Angel Dust. Like the drug. Alfie: I like the stripes *Points to Vaggie* and you? Vaggie: Vaggie. I know. Unfortunate name. Alfie: *confused*

Alfie looks around and notices Truk zoned out sitting in the corner. "We'll have to postpone making dinner for a moment." And he walks over to Truk and sits down next to him. Truk flinches and Rosie walks up to us and asks if we would like any chamomile tea for Truk. Alfie says yes and asks Truk a few questions. "Do you want to be left alone, a hug or physical contact or something to do with your hands?" Truk immediately pulls Alfie into a hug and Alfie wraps his arms and wings around him making gravity affect him more to act like a weighted blanket. "I won't let her hurt you."

We stay like that for a while until Truk can form sentences and comes back to reality.

Alfie cups his face and asks him if he'll be okay by himself and if he wants to let out his jungle chompers. Truk says yes to both, and Alfie gets up and gives him another squeeze before heading to the kitchen. Charlie follows him and the other party members notice Adam try to head into the hotel but be stopped by an invisible wall. Nifty is in pursuit and every 60 seconds they see Adam running past the hotel's front door and Nifty following with a knife.

Then they see some imps in the hotel: Blitzo, Milly, Moxie and Fizzarolli. Blitzo asks if anyone there has someone they want taken out.

Truk asks if they can kill a God, but they do not have the equipment to do so. The magic of eldritch entities predates the existence of time and the multiverse themselves. One of the only things that can kill eldritch entities is pure matter which can only be found in heaven.

Meanwhile in the kitchen Alfie is whipping up jambalaya, gumbo, collard greens, mac and cheese, cornbread, red rice and biscuits. For dessert there's sweet potato pie and bananas foster.

At some point a bunch of the party shape shifts into Blitzo and Rayna wonders if she can shoot Adam in the leg with her sniper rifle.

Nat 20. She waits at the window and fires hitting Adam in the leg. He goes down and Nifty starts stabbing him in the leg with a knife. She is still in Blitzo's form and has given Blitzo credit for the kill. He is now a celebrity.

Alfie steps out of the kitchen to check on Truk and he thinks he heard Adam in the hotel. "KEEP STIRRING CHARLIE! You sound like Adam, but you have better fashion sense." "I get that a lot." "How are you doing, Truk?" "I'm fine." Alfie heads back to the kitchen.

The smell of delicious jambalaya wafts through the air and Alastor perks up. He goes to the kitchen and has a taste test and asks if he can make some modifications. Alfie says yes and Alastor starts adding a bunch of spices to the pot. Alfie is taking the pie out of the oven and is curious.

Alastor offers Alfie a scorpion pepper. Alfie has a good spice tolerance and takes the pepper and eats it. "Roll constitution" "19." "That has a nice kick to it. Lovely flavor."

Alastor is impressed. He only knows 4 others who can take those levels of spice.

All the food is set out on the table and Alfie questions if we should invite Bob. Alastor summons Bob. Alastor: Alfie wanted to invite you to dinner. Bob: That is very kind of you. Patrick: How do you know each other? Bob and Alastor: We both get confused for each other a lot. They have an 11-inch height difference. Alfie: You look nothing alike. Is it the jambalaya thing? Alastor: Probably. Alfie: Damn. You might want to add me to that list. Patrick: *currently can't tell Alfie and Alastor apart from each other* Oh god which one is Alfie? Bob: You couldn't even tell the difference between him and an actual chicken. Truk: We met your mother. Bob: You met my mother? Maybe I shouldn't stay afterall. Alfie: At least take some to go. And Bob gets a to-go plate and teleports off. Bob can teleport but he prefers smoke bombs.

"Alright! Dig in!"

Patrick pulls out several shovels. "Which one?" Alfie just hands him a spoon that looks like a shovel. Everyone goes for the jambalaya. Everyone rolls for constitution, and it is delicious. Truk has a spoonful and says that it's delicious but then the heat kicks in. His chair falls backwards and Alfie winces. "Sometimes I forget that most people can't handle the heat." and he give Truk a carton of milk.

Everyone has a lovely time with food and company. Alfie winds up befriending pretty much everyone especially Angel who dotes over Paul and Clementine.

Eventually it is time for bed and we each get a room in the hotel except for Patrick who decides to sleep on the radio tower.

Alastor: Would you like to make a deal? You've lost your memories, and I can give them back. Patrick: I have my memories, but I don't have them if that makes sense. Alfie: *appears behind Alastor* He lost his deal making privileges, plus his brain would probably explode. Now I held up my end of the bargain. Give my parents their souls back. Alastor: Alright. And now they have their souls.

Before bed Truk is talking with Brick who warns Truk that if he tries to fight Betty now, he will die. He isn't ready to take her down and Alfie teleports off to talk to Vaggie.

Alfie: Is that an angelic spear? Vaggie: Yes? Alfie: Where can we get one? Vaggie: You can only get them from heaven. Alfie: You fought off an extermination and you expect me to believe that you did that with one spear? Vaggie: Fine. You can get some from Carmilla Carmine. Alfie: Thanks!

Alfie teleports back and relays this message to Truk. Truk: I could sell my soul to her for one. Alfie: Brick would probably kill me if I let that happen.

#dnd #dungeons and dumbasses #dungeons and dragons

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: Bob is a Circus

Cast includes: Rose the DM, Alfie (yours truly), Truk, and Patrick

This is the recap of recaps a la the ember island players.

We open at the circus where Pennywise the dancing clown appears.

The party is immediately on edge.

Alfie has a fireball ready.

Pennywise turns into Mary Poppins. Alfie: Oh shit! Mary how you been? Mary Poppins: Oh, Alfie! Are you here for the show? Patrick: What show? Mary Poppins: We have a play of your story so far! Alfie: Does that include the before times cuz I'm not ready to relive that. Mary Poppins: No just the adventures of your current party. Come on you're the guests of honor! Truk: Last time I was the guest of honor my parents died. Alfie: Last time I was a guest of honor I died.

Everyone is slowly drawing their weapons because we are all highly suspicious.

We had a civil conversation with an Elder Brain, yet we are all suspicious of Mary Poppins.

Patrick summons Brick and asks what's happening and Brick is like "That's just Mary Poppins. You'll be fine. I won't let anything happen to you."

Mary Poppins: *Vanishes Alfie's weapons* No weapons allowed. Alfie: I am a weapon. Mary: Is that so? *Snaps fingers* Rose: Your mind goes quiet. She has made you neurotypical. Alfie: NO. BAD POPPINS. That violates SO MANY BOUNDARIES. *undoes it with a snap of his fingers* Do that again and I will incinerate you. Mary: Do you want to see the show? Alfie: I just have one question. *teleports right in front of Mary Poppins* Do you do proper maintenance on your equipment? Mary: What? Alfie: *stares directly into Mary's eyes with a dark expression on his face* Do you or do you not do proper maintenance on your equipment. Mary: *concerned* Yes, we do. Alfie: *returns back to his sunshine and rainbows disposition* Wonderful! *teleports back to where he was* I don't see why not.

The flaps of the tent part and we see darkness. Pure darkness. The party members present have dark vision and Alfie is immune to magical darkness, yet it persists. Alfie pulls out the same glowing rock that he threw into the tub and tosses it at the darkness, and it bounces off.

Rose: It's a vantablack wall. Patrick: *pokes the wall with a stick* Rose: It rips away. It's actually a vantablack paper wall. Mary Poppins: Damn we can't fool you guys.

Alfie: *grabs Bob's hand* You're coming with. Bob: Of course, I am. I couldn't possibly miss a play discussing my greatness. Alfie: Well, no turning anyone into hot dogs or anything like that when you inevitably hate the way you're portrayed in this production. Patrick: *enters the tent* Bob: *groans* fine I won't turn anyone into hot dogs. Alfie: And no murder. Bob: *groans* Fine. Paul: *slowly sneaking up behind bob* Alfie: Paul don't. Bob: Actually I have something for your... pet. Alfie: *confused* really? Bob: *hands Alfie a pokeball* Alfie: Oh. *tosses the pokeball at Paul* Cool! Oh now I need to get you a gift. Bob: You really don't have to. Alfie: Nope too late, trust me you'll love it. *snaps his fingers* Open it when you feel like it. Bob: If I don't Azathoth with probably kill me. Truk: *straps the giant teddy bear onto his back and enters the tent* Alfie: *starts dragging Bob into the tent* Bob: You don't have to do this. Alfie: Then move your legs. Bob: Damn. You're sassy today. Alfie: Bob, we came here for relaxation. I am anything but relaxed. My fuse is extraordinarily short right now.

As Patrick enters the tent, he thinks he sees Alfie already sitting in the stands. "You got a seat really quick." "What are you even talking about?" And Patrick turns around and sees Alfie standing next to Bob. There is a regular chicken in the stands. Patrick: Oh no. Which one is the real Alfie? Alfie: Really? Me: Alfie isn't even a chicken. He's a white bird with draconic ancestry which manifests in red feathers in the same spot as a chicken's comb and waddle. Chicken: buk buk buk. Alfie: I'm not even a chicken. Patrick: That's what a chicken would say. Bob purely to be a menace: That is what a chicken would say. Alfie: *face palms* Bob stop it. Bob: *smirks*

Alfie proves who he is by snaping his fingers and summoning a rubber duck, then turning it into a teddy bear, and dematerializes it. "Believe me now?" Truk: *turns towards Bob and slowly draws his great sword* Alfie: *stands between Bob and Truk* No. Bad Truk. No stab. Bob: *unhinges his jaw and eats the chicken* Patrick: *eats a memory marble*

Patrick's eyes glaze over as a scene plays out in his mind and on his skin. He's in a camp that isn't in the fey wilds. A tent opens you see blood. So much blood. Each tent is filled with blood.

Patrick goes to sit down, and Alfie asks if he's okay. Patrick flinched but doesn't respond. So, Alfie gives him a hug to help ground him. "It's okay. You're okay. Whatever it is you are here not there."

Truk: Do you want to hug the bear? Patrick nods and Truk takes the bear on his back and hands it to Patrick. Patrick shrinks down sinks into the bear.

We all sit down, and the play is about to begin. Bob pulls out a script and says that he is narrating the play. "They pay you for that?" "Yeah. 500 gold per hour." "You get health insurance?" "Yes. I can finally get my ribs looked at."

Bob has been in constant pain for the last two days but has finally taken Alfie's advice to take it easy since he collapsed in Finkelberg. He has been taking seven pain killers a day with baja blast.

And so the play starts.

We open up with our heroes having just slain a green dragon.

Alfie: It was a red dragon.

We open up with our heroes having just slain a red dragon. After this heroic feat they traveled to the town of Dinkleberg to stock up on supplies

Alfie's actor is a goblin with a fake beak on his nose. Mark's actor looks like Mark and has the best costume. Truk's actor is a full orc. Patrick's actor is an old white man in a tutu and a ratty rainbow wig. Quinn doesn't even have an actor. It's just a cardboard cutout. Bob's actor is in neon green. Bob is not happy when he sees it.

The production quality is horrible. The acting is worse.

Alfie's actor: Oh boy look at THIS! A sign to a town! Let us go there! Mark's actor: That sounds like a top-notch idea. Truk's actor: It is I, orc of brick. Wow. Alfie: What the fuck? Truk: What is this? Patrick: *pointing at his actor* who is that? Patrick's actor: It is I the twink. *climbs into a tree*

The party walk into Dinkleberg and see a gnome who hates philly cheesesteak.

Mark's actor: You insult me. *crushes the gnome* Alfie actor: Gee whillikers there is jam everYwHERE!

And so our heroes do the shopping and Mark scams a guy out of a very expensive bottle of wyvern whiskey.

Alfie: Yeah, he got for really cheap. Only 200 gold.

Across the bar the sexy handsome man Bob sees him and thinks

Bob's actor: Yes, this man here will definitely lead me to the chicken I desire. Bob: NEON GREEN?! Alfie: *gags at this* What the fuck, Bob? Bob: I didn't write this! Alfie: I resend my earlier statement. You can kill whoever wrote this. Bob: Oh, I will. Truk's actor: BIRD FRIEND. I am the hunger. Make brisket. Alfie's actor: Sure thing, friendo!

The next day they go to leave and as they leave, they walk into DINKLEBERG AGAIN. TURNS OUT THERE WAS A HYDRA. THE HYDRA THAT DOESN'T EXIST. FAKE HYDRA. IT EMERGES AND BODIES SHOWER EVERYWHERE.

The actors start throwing shitty puppets into the crowd. They clearly blew most of the budget on Mark's costume.

Our heroes fight the hydra heroically and the gorgeous sexy handsome man Bob makes a deal with the bird. The hydra is dead.

Alfie: *looks at the script* it doesn't even say that in the script! Bob: I have to stroke my ego somehow. Patrick: Bow chicka wow wow! Alfie: *snorts* Bob: That would be funny if I wasn't aro ace. Alfie: I'm on that spectrum and it's still funny.

Truk is asleep and snoring. Patrick starts looking around for an exit. "Where's the exit?" Alfie goes to point where we entered, and nothing is there. It's pitch black. "I knew it. This was a bad idea." Patrick pounces on one of the actors and frantically questions about the existence of the exit and is forced to shut up via concentrated silence.

And so, they travel to Finkelberg where they must open portal.

"Whoever wrote this needs Grammarly." "What's a Grammarly?" "Is it a kind of graham cracker?"

The handsome man Bob tell them to find Brian Bob's ex. They friend Brian and-

Bob: Wait you didn't kill him? Alfie: Nope. Bob: But what about the tentacle you gave me? Alfie: He willingly gave that up for some brains. You never said we had to kill him. Bob: That I didn't. He was a terrible boyfriend though. He said my name in public. Alfie: That wasn't an excuse to turn him into an elder brain. Bob: *growls* If it weren't for your grandfather, I would kill you right here right now. Alfie: Good luck with that. I can't even die. Bob: *quietly seething* You know what? You take the script. I need a break anyways. *shoves the script into Alfie's hands* Alfie: *takes the script* Who even wrote this? *flips to the cover* Hank co-wrote this? Hank: *from Alfie's bag of holding* Don't trash my handywork! Alfie: I'm so sorry Hank but this is not your calling... Bob: You stole Hank?! WHY?? Alfie: *shrugs* Shiny sparkly swirly orb. How could I resist?

"READ THE SCRIPT DAMMIT." And Alfie starts reading the script.

And so Bob shows them to the museum and tells them to kill the unicorns of Equestria.

Alfie's actor: I don't wanna kill them! I'm a pacifist sometimes! And then Gorg shows up in the play cuz they managed to bribe Kratos into letting him be in the play. "Sorry, Gorg was late. Traffic." he says as he bowls over several actors.

And so they hop into the painting Mario 64 style?

Spike's actor who is an actual child: Hi welcome to Equestria! Gorg: *golf clubs the child with a plastic hammer* The harness that the child is wearing snaps under the strain and the kid is rocketed into the air. And guy in the corner cups his hands around his mouth and goes "Home run!"

Twilight' Actor: Hello, my name is Princess Twilight Sparkle. I will be your friend! Alfie's Actor: Wowee, it's lovely to meet you! Can we do a grave robbing? Twilight's Actor: Sure! Bob: ^looking at Alfie* You desecrated their graves? Alfie: I left flowers to say sorry... Bob: At least you didn't defile their corpses. Alfie: Mhm. Gorg: *sees Rarity's actor and drags her off stage killing her* Fluttershy's actor: *has an actual panic attack* Patrick's player: They duct taped her head back on. Rose: WITH THE POWER OF FLEX TAPE, WE CAN REATTATCH A HEAD! Me: NOW THAT'S A LOT OF DAMAGE! Mark's actor: I have consumed the pony blood. I crave flesh. *gets down on all fours* I am now pony. Alfie's Actor: Wowee, hi Pinkie! Pinkie Pie's Actor: I have just met you and I love you! Would you like a cupcake? *eats cupcake* oh no I am choking to the deaths. Alfie's actor: oh no! Mark's actor: I will consume the flesh *bites into a very strategically placed cupcake* I CRAVE BLOOD. *on the other side of the stage*

Gorg: I will cut your hair- oops *pours a bucket of yellow water over Granny Smith's actor* Granny Smith's actor: I didn't know you were gonna give me a shampoo and rinse! A cardboard cutout of Discord descends from the rafters and a voice says, "No. I undo this." One of the two ropes holding up the cutout snaps.

Truk: *startles himself awake* Huh? What did I miss? Rose: The granny smith haircut sequence. Truk's player: The what? Rose: Gorg peed on Granny Smith's head and hocked a loogie in her hair. Applejack's Actor: Hello, I wish for a haircut! Gorg: *chops off the stuffed head* Applejack's actor: Oh no I've been slain! *splatters ketchup everywhere* Oh there's so much blood it's everywhere! *Dramatically falls to the ground* Patrick's player: Damn you really gave us the Blood blood BLOOD and death. Patrick's actor: *falls out of the tree and doesn't move* Patrick: Is he okay?

Mark's actor: Where is Twilight? I wish to give her a hug. Twilight's actor: Here I am, I would love a hug! Mark's actor: *gives her a light hug* Twilight's actor: BLEH! *goes limp* Mark's actor: I CRAVE DEATH

And so Mark committed a horrible mass murder until Discord showed up.

Bob: Give me back the script. You aren't even mentioning me! Alfie: You show up on the next page. Cardboard Discord: You killed my son's future stepmother. I sober you up. Now we must fight. Bob: What? Alfie: Discord caught feelings for Fluttershy. Bob: Oh. Alfie: I told him when he should ask her out. Bob: That's good. He can be so oblivious. I should call my father. He would hate this. Discord Discord Discord. Discord: What is it- oh gods what is this? Alfie: A bad play. How are things going in Equestria? Discord: Fine mostly. Goodbye.

Only by going to Hell could Fluttershy be saved.

Marks actor is charging at the cardboard cutout of discord and the last rope holding the cutout snaps and falls to the ground.

Bob's Actor: Oh no here is purple smoke? Whatever shall you do? Gnome actor: *starts laughing* Mark: I still crave blood. Bob's actor: Hang on I have a new friend for you! Bob's actor is pulled up into the rafters and brings back down a halfling dressed in pink. Miss Houdini's actor: Hi mah name is Miss Houdini you're my new friend!

And then the Hydra returns and turns Fluttershy into it!

Miss Houdini: Oh no! The Flutterhydra doesn't move, and Miss Houdini's actress pulls on a cord and one head falls on her. Alfie: That's not what happened! She imploded AFTER the rewind. Hank: You can't blame me! I was in the sack taking a nap.

Will Smith actor: Aw shoot its rewind time.

At this point Bob and Alfie are taking turns reading from the script.

The very next day they go off to kill some mushrooms.

Truk's actor takes a bat to a paper mâché mushroom and a cloud of sparkles erupt from it.

And suddenly Starscourge Rahdan shows up and our heroes have to fight him.

Zeus is there and looks very scared and confused and Alfie contains the urge to lunge at him.

The Rahdan puppet explodes in a burst of confetti.

The End

The lights come on and Gorg ascends to the sky "Bye Gorg! See you around..."

Patrick: Can someone check on him? *pointing to his actor* Alfie: *goes up to Patrick's actor and pokes him with a stick* You good? Patrick's Actor: I'm fine. Alfie: You are covered in blood. Patrick's actor: It's ketchup. Alfie: *magics the ketchup away* Patrick's actor: aww. that was my dinner. Alfie: *magics the ketchup back* Patrick's actor: Thank you kindly! You look a lot like our actor Alfie! Alfie: That's because I am Alfie. Patrick's actor: Holy shit can I have your autograph? Alfie: I don't do autographs. I can give you a stamp? Patrick's actor: Stamp my forehead. Alfie: *stamps the guy on the forehead*

Bob: So, would you like to see more of the shows? Alfie: Bobathy, that was one of the worst experiences in my life here. Bob: There's one where they shoot people out of cannons. Alfie: You have my attention. Bob: We could fire you out of a cannon at Zeus especially since you have gravity powers. Alfie: I am fireproof... Alright, let's do it. Rose: You are fired at Zeus. Alfie stops himself an inch in front of Zeus's face.

Alfie: Hi! Zeus: *goes white and screams before teleporting away* Patrick: Zeus Zeus Zeus. Zeus: *reappears and does a verbal key smash* Alfie: Hello Zeus. I trust you're treating Hera well. Zeus: *sweating* Of course! Alfie: hmmm you better be, cuz I'll know. *slowly traces a talon over Zeus's heart* Now you have something I wanted that I wouldn't mind having right now. Zeus: *shaking* Please... Can't we let bygones be bygones? Alfie: Sure... We could let bygones be bygones. But that's not happening. Zeus: Please I'll do anything... Patrick: RELEASE THAT BOY YOU KIDNAPPED. Alfie: *grips onto Zeus's shoulders* he had a family, you horny prick. Zeus: OKAY, OKAY, I'LL LET HIM GO. Alfie: *slowly releases his grip on Zeus* Good... Good... You can leave. Tell Hera we'll have to reschedule our next session. Zeus: *shakily* Ok.

As Alfie pulls out a bottle of hand sanitizer it is at this point that it starts to sink in for Bob just how terrifying Alfie can be.

This small fluffy bird made the king of the Greek pantheon rethink his life choices and struck fear into the fibers of his soul.

It's honestly very impressive.

"Now you should probably get back into Finkelberg. I don't know how you're going to do that when the portal is 3000 feet in the air."

Alfie just stretches out his wings in response.

"How do I keep forgetting you have wings?"

Patrick: I'm going to use a cannon to get out of here. Alfie and Bob get out the popcorn and Truk climbs into the nap sack. Patrick misses the portal hitting an invisible ceiling and splats into a puddle and falls back down. He tries again adjusting the cannon's aim and on the third attempt he just dies and respawns in the inn thinking it was just a dream.

Alfie: Bob, do you want a lift? Bob: No thanks. Alfie: Oh yeah, I forget you can fly. See you around!

And Alfie flies up into the portal leaving a trail of embers in his wake.

He appears in the tavern and Patrick loudly proclaims how weird of a dream that was.

"It wasn't a dream."

#dnd #dungeons and dumbasses #dungeons and dragons

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: The Beach Episode part 1

Cast consists of Rose the DM, Alfie (yours truly), Truk, Patrick, Rayna, and Quinn.

We open up in the streets of Finkelberg.

The party had a fun night full of drink and food and company and are ready for the next step in their journey.

Brick appears and starts talking to Truk. Brick: how many people walked in on you? Truk: 14. They are dead now. Brick: What are their names? Truk: I did not get their names. Brick: *starts rummaging through Truk's mind* Truk: *grimaces* Brick: *finds the memory* their souls shall be erased from existence.

Bob approaches the party hesitantly.

Bob: You will not be here for long, will you? You finished your quest. Alfie: Surprisingly no. Bob: Where will you go? Alfie: Hell. I can apparently rescue my bio parents. Patrick: You have parents?! You didn't just spawn in? Alfie: Yeah. I got two sets. Bio parents and adoptive dads. My adoptive dad is technically my uncle, but I call him Dad anyways. Bob: *turns to Patrick* Our deal is done. You helped him on his quest. I have something for you.

Bob pulls out a 2-liter bottle of Baja Blast. It has a bunch of marbles in it that are floating around. "Don't take them all at once. Your mind will explode. Take one per day."

Bob has his back to Alfie.

Me: Alfie decides to start having fun with his physical form. Rose: I swear if you turn into a cow Me: Alfie would never. He's not evil anymore. As an eldritch entity he can change his false body at will and where once was a redheaded white bird folk with mottled black feathers and scales now stands a freckled human with blood red hair, black eyes, with black splotches across his pale skin. Bob turns around and screams. "WHAT THE FUCK." and Bob shouts at him to turn back. Alfie as a human is too much for Bob to handle. Alfie turns back into his bird form and laughs harder.

Alfie: You should've seen the look on your face. Bob: NEVER CHANGE AGAIN. Patrick: *pops a memory marble in his mouth* Holy shit. I'M ALLERGIC TO EGGS. Bob: *a bit annoyed* Anyways I think it is about time that you all have a chance to relax! There are several beaches in the fey wilds. *turns and starts walking away* Alfie: *confused* where are you going? Bob: to the beach. I ran out of smoke bombs. Alfie: I haven't relaxed in over 10 years. Truk: I suppose it would be nice to relax. Brick: I would recommend you wait before heading that way. Alfie: *concerned* why would you say that? Brick: It's... his choice of swimwear. Alfie: Is it an ugly pattern? Brick: *silence* Alfie: *snaps his fingers so he's now in beach attire* Let's go! Patrick: *starts heading in the direction Bob went*

Rose: In a clearing you see Bob. He's in a speedo. Truk: *mortified* Patrick: *also mortified* Alfie: *eyes Bob up and down* Oh dear. That is not your color. Bob: Really? Alfie: Yeah. You should dress in jewel tones. Bob: *uses chaos magic to summon a wardrobe and starts rummaging through it* Alfie: *also starts rummaging through the wardrobe* At some point Bob is in a mankini and Alfie finds a pair of patterned swim trunks and holds them up to Bob's chest and nods Alfie: These ones.

The party actually looks around and sees no beach but a bathtub. And Bob is gone.

"I don't know about you guys, but this isn't a beach."

An old man appears and is like "Oh you're almost there!" and Alfie draws his sword and starts going "stranger danger stranger danger stranger danger-" And the old man walks up to the tub and hops into it and slowly sinks. Alfie and Truk slowly approach the tub and peak into it. There is nobody in it and it seems bottomless.

Alfie tosses a glowing rock into the tub. Truk puts the tip of his newly acquired great sword into the tub and it starts being sucked in. Alfie and Patrick grab onto Truk and pull him away. The great sword is sucked down into the depths. Truk realizes this and swan dives after it.

Brick appears and menacingly says "You better be going after my son."

Alfie is perched on the lip of the tub. Patrick refuses and he feels a hand start to squeeze his brain. He is pulled up by the back off his neck and is dragged to the tub. He's dropped in an immediately starfishes.

"FUCK WHY ARE THE SIDES OF THE TUB SO SLIPPERY?"

And Alfie just gives Patrick a look of sympathy before lightly pressing a single finger on the middle of his chest sending Patrick down into the depths.

Alfie glances at Brick and gives him a look of "I'll make sure they don't kill themselves" and jumps into the tub.

The party comes to on the beach from Attack on Titan. Truk immediately gets up and starts looking for his great sword. Alfie finds the glowing rock he threw in and pockets it. Truk demands that we help him find the great sword and Patrick doesn't know what it looks like and Truk hasn't had it long enough to solidify it in his memory and they start bickering.

Meanwhile Alfie is perched on the hilt of Rahdan's Great Sword and is waiting for a break in the argument.

Patrick lifts up the great sword with Alfie still on it and hands it to Truk asking if this is the great sword he was looking for. Alfie lets go and slowly floats back to the ground.

Looking around we see Bob who is under a very large umbrella, and we head over to him. He's wearing the swim trunks that Alfie selected.

Alfie questions if anyone would like some cocktails or mocktails. Patrick pulls out a Stanley cup full of coffee. Truk is intrigued by mocktails and asks for one. Alfie questions him about his favorite juices and Truk's favorite juice is apple juice. Alfie makes him an Appletini Mocktail and hands it to him. He isn't a fan so Alfie pulls out a gallon bottle of Motts apple juice.

Truk grabs it and takes a swig. "Do you want a bendy straw?" Truk nods and Alfie hands him a bendy straw. "Oh, so you're a bartender?" questions Bob. "I worked as a barista and bartender for a few summers." "Oh really? Can I get a tequila sunrise with baja blast instead of orange juice?" "Of course!" and Alfie pulls out a bunch of bartending tricks, and in a flourish of motions he hands Bob what he requested. The glass is frosted with a wedge of lime and several grapes on a toothpick. Bob downs it in one second. "Damn, that's pretty good."

Alfie: Hang on does anyone have any allergies i should know of? Patrick: Eggs. Truk: *nursing the bottle of apple juice* no. Bob: Yes. I'm allergic to bullshit. Patrick: *smirks* THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKE. Bob: *immediately busts into hives*

A scream comes from the sky, and we all look up and see Rayna falling. The Bartending equipment that Alfie was holding dematerializes and he catches her.

Rayna: Where are we? Alfie: The beach. It's the beach episode. Bob: Now go on! Have fun enjoy the water but watch out for the sea monster. Truk: What. Alfie: *freezes* God fuckin damn it. Bob: There's a sea monster. Alfie: *falls backwards into the sand and screams* Truk: Why not close off this section of the beach. Alfie: I can't catch a break. I can't catch a fucking break. I CAN NEVER CATCH A BREAK. Bob: They had to expand. Alfie: *downs two strawberry daiquiris* Patrick: Have you tried building a wall? Bob: Someone tried building a wall once. Alfie: By any chance was that guy orange with shitty yellow hair and reeked of narcissism? Bob: Yes. Alfie: Ugh. I can't stand that guy. Bob: Nor can I.

The beast in the depths is a Kraken. Truk and Rayna want to try to fight it. Truk wants to try diplomacy first. Alfie sits up and thinks to himself "If they're going then I'm going, or they'll get themselves killed."

At one point Bob laughs. Alfie: Can you please stop being so ominous? Bob: Unfortunately, no. It's in my code.

Another scream comes from the sky and down comes Quinn. Alfie slows her descent with a wave of his hand.

A decent chunk of the party speaks languages that the Kraken can understand, except for Quinn and Patrick. Quinn has speak with animals and beasts so she's good. Alfie knows primordial (eldritch entity). Rayna knows celestial and infernal (mother of titans). Truk knows primordial and celestial (son of brick).

Overall, the party wants to prevent a whole bunch of deaths. Alfie is so tired right now, but he'll go with whatever the party does. Bob parts the sea and there is a stone path leading to a cave.

Me: Where's Paul? Rose: You hear a loud mooooooOOOOOOOO coming from the sky Alfie: *immediately stops Paul's fall and gently sets Paul down with eldritch magic* Bob: *side eyes Paul* Truk: *starts walking down the path* Alfie: Ok Paul do you want to go with the party or stay here on the beach. Paul: Moo *goes over to Bob's warlock robes and starts chewing on them*

Back with Truk "Who approaches my abode." "I am here to talk."

Through the conversation there was a brief misunderstanding because of Alfie where the Kraken thought we were here to kill them, but Truk sorted it out and offers the Kraken friendship cuz he may not have been there during most of the mlp arc but he knows that friendship is magic.

The Kraken put together that we are a quite powerful group of adventurers. The Kraken has true sight so he can see Alfie's form for what it really is. A hulking form larger than the Kraken itself. Vaguely avian with a grey beak, covered in what looks like black feathers that absorb light itself, with many many bright glowing white eyes and the numerous sets of wings span out and the fabric of reality bends around his form itself.

These eyes are fixed on the Kraken. They're intense, angry, yet calm and very tired.

He agrees to Truk's offer on one condition.

We all have to spar with him at once.

A grin spread across Truk's face and he asks a singular question, "Prep time?"

Spell casters buff the tanks, Rayna summons a fey to fight with her and we're ready to go.

The Kraken goes first and goes for Patrick instantly, the fey jumps in front of him and is grappled by a tentacle. Truk is also grappled.

Patrick sends off a Guiding Bolt and Alfie follows up with a well-placed Fire Bolt. Alfie looks like he just wants to take a nap. A bed appears behind him, and he sits down on it pulling out an apple and eating it. Bob appears next to Alfie and he and Alfie start chatting as they watch the spectacle Alfie stepping in when needed.

The Kraken pulls Truk close and asks him which party member is his favorite. "I don't have a favorite." "Just pick one." "Rayna."

The Kraken chucks Truk at Rayna, she tries to catch him, and she fails.

Bob and Alfie cringe at that.

Quinn has been stealthing around doing rogue and ranger stuff.

A storm cloud appears over three party members. Rayna, Truk, and Alfie.

Alfie groans and says "Wonderful. This is the perfect mirror of my mental state." and we each make a dexterity saving throw. Rayna and Alfie take 19 points of damage and Truk takes 38 as lightning strikes us.

The soot on Alfie's feathers vanishes "Yep. It's jambalaya time." and Alfie summons a bowl of delicious jambalaya and turns to look at Bob. "You want some?" "Absolutely" and Alfie materializes a second bowl and hands it to Bob with a spoon.

Alfie is about to send off a Mind Spike but freezes and goes "Hold up hang on once second call time call time. We've just been calling you Kraken or the Kraken and that seems a bit disrespectful. Is there a name we can call you?"

The Kraken seems a bit surprised but the party nods in agreement.

Kraken: You can call me Mordecai. Patrick: Do you have a friend that's a raccoon? Rose: a raccoon steps out from behind Mordecai and goes "WOOOOOOOOOOH" Alfie: *has seen the Twilight and Mordecai shooting stars meme* by any chance do you know a Twilight Sparkle? Mordecai: No, I do not. Rayna: Who the hell is Twilight Sparkle? Alfie: *shifts into twilight sparkle* Oh she looks like this. She was the pony I was talking to in Ponyville. *turns back into his bird form*

And the fight continues.

Rayna gets two hits on Mordecai.

Me: Alfie sends off a mind spike. Rose: Are you going to use that on Bob? Me: No. I'm using it on Mordecai. The image of a duck with human ears appears in his mind. Mordecai: Ugh ew no why would you do that? What are you on that made you think that? Alfie: Autism. Bob: *laughs* Alfie: What's that for? Bob: He might die soon. Alfie: HEY MORDECAI! ARE YOU TRYING TO DIE? Rose: You guys are kicking his ass right now. Mordecai: That was exhilarating. Thanks for the sparring match.

The party goes to leave but Truk stays behind. Mordecai has something to tell him about the great sword he's holding. It's cursed. If he uses it too much the line between friend and foe may fade.

Bob: Can you please tell Paul to stop eating my clothes? Alfie: Paul can you not? Paul: MOOooooo *stops eating Bob's clothes* Alfie: Hey Bob, can I braid your hair? Bob: *surprised* Uh sure. No french braids please I don't like the way they feel. Patrick: Give him a french braid! Alfie: *starts braiding Bob's hair* I'm not giving him a french braid. He specifically requested me not to give him a french braid.

Alfie and Patrick both would like to learn Celestial and Rayna and Truk decide to teach them. Rayna spends her time filling them in on pronunciations and Truk just puts a hand on each of their heads. He essentially gaslights both of them into knowing how to understand and speak Celestial. It's like they always knew how. During this process Truk gets a visual of what it's like in each of their minds and his face is a mix of emotions. Confusion and fear. "Next time ask me before you touch me." says Alfie. Truk says nothing before looking to Patrick and telling him that his brain is weird having been a vast expanse of nothing with a large safe in the middle and turns back to Alfie and says "What the fuck." Alfie's brain is complete traumatized autistic adhd chaos. "It's the trauma. You know the death, the loss, the grief, the addictions-" "I am too young for this." And the party spends a moment relaxing on the beach with drinks and snacks. Bob shifts and Alfie scolds him saying that he isn't done yet and he affixes some flowers into Bob's hair and pulls out two mirrors. One handheld and a vanity mirror.

"Oh, that is quite lovely!" Alfie smiles at the compliment and music reaches the party. It's circus music. Alfie freezes and mutters under his breath that this really is like Katastrophe as he slowly turns to look at the source of the sound. On the other side of the beach is a circus.

"Please tell me they do proper maintenance and checkups on their equipment." "Of course they do." "Thank the gods."

Truk's eyes light up and he goes running to the circus. Rayna chases after him and Patrick slinkies along.

Alfie laughs at their antics feeling more at ease and snaps his fingers appearing at the carnival before everyone else with a toothy grin on his face. "I'm about to win some rigged games."

Rose: Truk you see a game that is right up your alley. Whack-a-Mole. The high score is 2 million. It was done by Bob. It's bring your own club. Truk: I'm breaking that record. *pulls out great club* Rose: You DESTROY the whack-a-mole stand. Your score is 48 billion. Me: How does Bob react to that? Rose: a single tear rolls down his cheek. Alfie: *gives him a pat on the back* Carnival worker: CONGRATULATIONS YOU BROKE THE RECORD AND FOR THAT YOU WIN THE GRAND PRIZE! Rose: the carnival worker brings out a massive teddy bear. It is 6 times your size. Truk: *clutches onto the teddy bear and cries* Truk has not had a toy in a very long time and this teddy bear looks like the one he had when he was five before his parents died. Me: Alfie is looking for a punching bag game. Rose: You see a punching bag game. Alfie: You're going to need a new one when I'm done with it. Carnival Worker: I'm sorry but Eldritch Entities are not allowed to use the punching bag. Stay away from the punching bag. Alfie: Why not? Carnival Worker: The last time that happened he launched the punching bag into the stratosphere. Rose: the carnival worker points to the ban list, and you see a photo of your great grandfather as the only one banned from this game. Alfie: Damn, we really are related. Rayna: can I try? Carnival worker: Of course. Rayna: *destroys the punching bag launching it into the sea* Carnival worker: *takes Rayna's photo and adds it to the ban list* Rayna: It's one of the perks of being the Mother of Titans. Rose: Patrick. Alfie. You see a ring toss booth. Me: we go to the ring toss booth.

The ring toss booth worker is Lucifer from Hazbin Hotel.

Patrick: What are the rules to this. Lucifer: You pay, and you get 6 rings. You have six attempts to get a ring on the red bottle. Patrick: What do we pay? Lucifer: You'll pay eventually. Alfie: Can you elaborate on that? Lucifer: You'll pay eventually! Alfie: *eldritch magic flashes in his eyes* Explain. Now. Lucifer: At some point in the future something of yours will vanish as payment. Alfie: *gets a premonition of his favorite woodworking knife vanishing from his hand in the middle of a project* I'm too autistic for that. Patrick: I'm in. Lucifer: *slides over 6 rings* Patrick: What's that over there? *pointing in the distance* Lucifer: *looks where Patrick is pointing* What is it? Patrick: *stretches his arm out and plops a ring on the red bottle* Lucifer: You won... You own my soul now. Patrick: ALFIE! What do I do with a soul? Alfie: Why do you think I know? I've never owned a soul before. I just got mine back a day ago. Patrick: I don't know? What's the protocol for this? Alfie: Bob? You've owned souls before. Wuh- what do you do with a soul? Bob: You quite literally own them and the person it belongs to. You could put the soul in an inanimate object like that bear Truk has. Truk: *approaches the party with a tear-stained face* I won this. Alfie: *to Truk* That's awesome! Patrick: Just give me your soul, I guess? Rose: He hands his soul over to you. It looks like a rubber duck. The party: Oh no... Rose: Patrick you now own Lucifer's soul.

Rayna looks for a shooting game and finds one. She shoots the furthest target, it explodes in a shower of splinters, and she keeps the gun as her prize.

Finally, Alfie spots one of his favorite carnival games.

Ski Ball

And Alfie is a beast at ski ball.

The high score is 2 billion.

Alfie: Bob is that your record? Bob: Please no it's all I have left. Rayna: Those were your only records? Bob: Well, there's my darts record but that isn't as impressive. 500. The people in Finkelberg suck at darts.

Alfie smirks "Bob, I challenge you to a game of ski ball. If you win your record stays intact. If I win, I get bragging rights for all eternity. Do we have a deal?" and he holds out a hand. "We have a deal."

We decide who wins over a game of highest roll. On the first roll we tie. Double twenties. We need a tie breaker. me: *rerolls and starts laughing* the dice really wanted me to break his record. *more laughter* I got another nat 20. Rose: Bob rolled a 17. His high score is crushed. Bob: *looking dejected* Me: Alfie smiles and casts minor illusion on the score board so it looks like his record remains unbroken. Bob: Thank you, my friend. Alfie: You've got to stop saying that to me- wait you just called me your friend? Bob: *nods*

A friendship bracelet appears on Bob's wrist. "When did you make a friendship bracelet- it's purple?" "Of course it is!" "You... know my favorite color?"

Quinn questions why they don't have a friendship bracelet.

A friendship bracelet leaps out of Alfie's bag of holding and coils itself around Quinn's wrist.

Patrick runs because he doesn't know what's happening.

And from a lone circus tent floats a single red balloon. Patrick grabs it cuz "oh shiny" and out comes Pennywise. "Do you want to float?"

Alfie: way ahead of you *starts floating*

#dnd #dungeons and dumbasses #dungeons and dragons

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: Mushrooms and Gods

Cast includes: Rose the DM, Patrick, Alfie (yours truly) Rayna, Quinn and Truk

We open up in the streets of Finkelberg.

Alfie is with Fluffy Scruffington having just taken Paul out of the stables.

Alfie hears a southern voice come from behind him. Alfie: Applejack? HOW DID YOU GET HERE? Applejack: I hitched a ride in that sack of yours. Alfie: Oh my gosh... Discord discord discord... Discord: Ugh what do you want? Alfie: *points at Applejack* Discord: Why should I care? Alfie: Because Fluttershy cares. Discord: Damn you knowing my heart strings *snaps fingers*

Alfie sees Bob and stops, thinking briefly before speaking.

Alfie: Are you autistic? Bob: *surprised* what- why would you think I'm autistic? Alfie: I have seen the inside of your house. You literally turned someone's house into hotdogs when your routine was disrupted. Bob: Well wouldn't you do the same? Alfie: You should ask that to someone neurotypical. Bob: You, Teeth over there *pointing to Truk* Truk: *puts a hand on his great club* What did you call me? Bob: Is there a name you would rather I call you? Truk: Truk. Bob: :o Brick: Don't even think about it. That's my son.

Alfie: Hi Brick! I hear you literally and figuratively handed Ascian's ass to him Brick: Yes I did. *pulls out Ascian's head* Would you like his head? Alfie: I don't think this is the best time for me to be parading someone's head around or caring for a head, but probably later.

Alfie turns back to Bob

Alfie: Bob have you ever considered therapy? Bob: Ther-eee-pee? What is Thereepy? Alfie: Bob you- you have a degree in psychology. You should know what therapy is. Bob: ..... Alfie: my point is that you could benefit from therapy. Bob: I don't need therapy! Alfie: Bob you were literally fighting back tears when I gave you a hug. I can tell that you're incredibly touch-starved and don't have good coping mechanisms. Bob: Does Discord seem like the most affectionate parent to you? Alfie: We'll continue talking about this later.

Patrick leaves the inn and joins us outside.

Alfie: Hey Patrick, I want to try something. Patrick: what is it? Alfie: say my name 3 times. Patrick: What's your name again? Alfie: Alfie. Patrick: Alfie Alfie Alfie. Black flames erupt around Alfie as he vanishes, and he reappears in front of Patrick in a separate burst of black flames. Alfie: :o holy shit I follow Beetlejuice rules. *starts shaking with excitement* there are so many things we can do with this- wait no. No relapsing. You're a better person than you were before. Bob: *in the background frothing at the mouth cuz he realized that he now knows Alfie's name* Azathoth from the heavens: Don't even think about it. I will fuck you up. Alfie: You can't do anything with that name. You don't even know what it stands for.

The Nap Sack rustles and out comes Quinn who is confused cuz the last time they were here we were all ponies.

"Hi Quinn!"

Alfie turns to look at Bob as a realization hits him.

Alfie: You owe me a debt. You said it. Bob: What? Alfie: You said the forbidden words. When I gave you that name you said it. A look of dread washes over Bob's face, and the rage twists his expression into a scowl. "That I did." a growl leaves his throat. "What is your demand?" "Ah ah ah. I'll be collecting on that later. You can take that look off your face. I'm no villain. At least not anymore. Just know that your debt will not result in your end."

Patrick: What happened? Quinn: Yeah, what happened? Alfie: He said t-h-a-n-k-y-o-u to me after I gave him the name of a certain person from my old world who I wasn't a big fan of. Patrick: ooooooooh... Alfie: Bob where did you say the Rum Rum cave is? Bob: *points in two different directions* that way Azathoth from the heavens: cut the shit Bob: ugh fine. It's that way. *points in one direction* Alfie: that was much appreciated, let's go! Patrick: *starts heading in the opposite direction* Alfie: Wrong way Patrick. Patrick: *turns 90 degrees and starts walking in that direction* Truk: *picks up Patrick and hauls him over his shoulder*

At some point and I don't remember how but some random townsperson says that Alfie ain't shit and that he looks weak, and he could take him in a fight. And Alfie just looks at him with those feral anime eyes and is just like "ok bet" and lunges at him, biting into his hand and starts shaking it violently like a feral dog.

Brick appears and is just like no and erases that townsperson from the mortal plane.

Bob throws down a smoke bomb and runs.

The smoke clears and Bob collapses.

"Not again."

Alfie goes to check on Bob and before he touches him Alfie asks Azathoth if he can touch Bob because of the prior threats Azathoth made against Bob.

"Yeah that's fine, he can still touch you just not for nefarious reasons."

Alfie flips Bob over and is like "Hey Bob you good?" and Bob is just zoned out muttering under his breath about Baja Blast.

"Oh dear, I think he might be having a seizure."

Bob is cold and clammy and Truk walks up to him and goes to hand him a bottle of Baja Blast and Bob lunges at it. It's like watching a blood-frenzied vampire be thrown fresh meat.

And then he just pops up like nothing happened.

"You need to go to rehab. I was an addict twice and that has to be the worst withdrawal symptoms I have ever seen."

Bob is like "I'll be fine-" and then he sees Paul.

And he panics and backs up into one of the shops in Finkelberg and stares at us in terror. And there's a slight pitter patter of feet on the roof.

There is Blake the Steak, gripping onto the rain gutters by the toes.

"HEY THERE PRETTY BOY."

And Bob lets out a shrill ear-piercing scream of pure unadulterated terror.

"As much as I want to see how this plays out, we should get going. We're burning daylight." and Alfie gives Fluffy Scruffington a peck on the cheek. "I'll see you later, Fluffy."

And we're off to find a hole in the ground. A very deep hole in the ground. That is somewhere in the fey wilds. The party partakes in small talk on their way there.

"HELLO EVERYBODY MY NAME IS MARKIPLIER."

Alfie jumps and pulls out two of his daggers and enters a fighting stance. "MARK WHAT THE FUCK YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN YOURSELF STABBED."

"I WILL SEE YOU IN THE NEXT CAMEO. BUH BYE!"

And disappears in a cloud of pink mustaches leaving a pile of pink mustaches on the ground where he once stood.

Alfie: *pokes a mustache with the tip of his dagger* ok they're just mustaches. Rayna: Why did you only grab daggers? Do you not have a sword? Alfie: they were the closest thing to my hand at the time. Last time it was a cast iron skillet, and I broke Bob's arm. That was shortly before we met. Rose: would anyone like to try on a mustache? Rayna's player: I try on a mustache. Me: I also try on a mustache and take an extra for research purposes. Rose: You hear a voice in your head that says "HELLO EVERYBODY MY NAME IS WILFORD WARFSTACHE." Patrick's player: I grab a mustache and put it on my head. Me: You hear a voice in your head that say *warfstache voice* "You are not worthy YOU TWINK." Rose: the mustache disintegrates. Patrick's player: I grab another mustache and tape it to my face. Rose: this mustache also disintegrates. Patrick: *grabs all the mustaches* Rose: the mustaches turn into a pile of ashes. Patrick: *rubs the mustache ash into his face* Who's worthy now?

Alfie decides to ask Hank what this hole looks like so he has a better idea of what we're looking for.

"Oh god he's behind me isn't he." "That's just Paul. Are- are you also afraid of cows and cow adjacent beings?" "What can I say, I've spent a lot of time with Bob. He's rubbed off on me."

Rayna questions why Alfie is talking to an orb and his sanity and Patrick clarifies that the orb can speak only to those worthy and that Hank is a bitch. Rayna is encouraged to place a hand on Hank and succeeds on the wisdom check.

Truk is intrigued and Hank recognizes who he is and devolves into a blubbering speech about how he himself is not worthy of being touched by the son of Brick as Truk slowly reaches a hand out to touch him. Hank is speaking directly into Truk's mind.

"Hank, you forgot to put your conversation on private." says Alfie and Truk erupts into boisterous laughter. "I didn't know you could laugh! Or smile."

"The hole is about 20 feet behind you. Alfie please can I go back into the sack?" "Much appreciated, Hank."

Patrick immediately goes straight for the hole and almost falls in and at the last moment Patrick shrinks to about two feet tall (changeling) and Alfie pulls him back onto land by the back of his shirt.

Alfie: Damn that's a deep hole. Patrick: LIKE YOUR MOM! OOOOOH! Rose: a Shiba Inu appears next to you and bonks you on the head. Alfie: What do you know about my mom? I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO KNOW MY MOM- *takes a deep breath*

"Alright we need rope." and Alfie starts pulling a rope out of his bag of holding. It's like a never-ending handkerchief trick. He winds up pulling out 570 feet of rope.

It is not enough rope. Everyone else pulls out more rope and in the end we're about 30 feet short.

Alfie: Well, there's probably a bunch of pillows in the nap sack and we could use those as padding- Hang on. I have wings. We have the Nap Sack. WE DON'T EVEN NEED TO USE A ROPE. I can just carry us down there. EVERYBODY IN THE NAP SACK.

Patrick: *slinks into the nap sack* Rayna: *jumps into the nap sack* Truk: *hesitates* that's a mimic. Rayna: *pulls Truk into the nap sack* Alfie: *to the Nap Sack* Don't eat them. They are friends, not food. *turns to Paul* Okay buddy, you wanna stay up here or go with the party? Paul: MOO *charges into the Nap Sack*

Alfie pockets his rope and dives down into the depths.

In the nap sack the party is greeted by what can only be described as a 5-star hotel. It has 3 Olympic sized swimming pools, and an incredible gym. Mark is in the Foyer (the party member not the Youtuber/God) and he is beating the living shit out of a marble column. Patrick questions this and Mark replies simply "There is no brisket." and continues pummeling the column.

Patrick opens one of the hotel doors and sees an Alaskan King-sized bed. He stretches his limbs to take over the entire bed and melts into the sheets.

Alfie: Damn, I still can't see the bottom? Rayna: *jumps out of the Nap Sack* Alfie: RAYNA WHAT THE FUCK?! Rayna: *does a cool flip and digs a clawed hand into the side of the hole slowing her descent* are we at the bottom yet? Alfie: Do you see the bottom? Does it LOOK like we're at the bottom? NO, WE'RE NOT AT THE BOTTOM. GET BACK IN THE SACK. Rayna: *dives into the sack* Alfie: *groans* I swear, these people don't have any self-preservation skills... At least they treat me well. *continues the descent into the cavern*

A Shiba Inu appears next to Alfie parachuting down the hole. It is holding a bat and bonks Alfie on the head.

Two minutes pass and Alfie speaks into the Nap Sack

Alfie: Guys we're at the bottom. Rayna: are you sure? Alfie: I feel rock under my feet, and I can see the bottom. Rayna: *exits the nap sack* Rose: Alfie is two feet off the ground. Rayna's player: she lands on her feet. Patrick: *slinks out of the nap sack legs first like a cartoon character* Alfie: Hang on am I floating? I'm not even flapping my wings, why am i floating? Is this another eldritch power? Rose: Did i just come up with more Alfie lore? Me: Yes. Truk: *majestically emerges from the nap sack* Alfie: yep, this is definitely a cavern. Rose: a Shiba Inu bonks you on the head. Alfie: Hey! What did I do? Patrick: *takes the bat and tosses it into the cave* go fetch! Shiba Inu: *happily runs after it*

A Rum Rum emerges from the darkness and speaks to the party.

Rum Rum: You should not be here. Alfie: If we had any other choice, we would be anywhere else. We need Rum Rum spores for a spell. Rum Rum: You should leave. Rayna: hold on I'm sure we could barter, exchange some goods and services. Rose: They do not need or require material goods. Rayna: Do you want food? Alfie: I'm a good cook. Rum Rum: Living people eat dead mushrooms. Living mushrooms eat dead people. Alfie: You could've said that earlier. I have multiple dead bodies on my person. Rum Rum: You should leave. Truk's player: I take my great club and strike the mushroom in the side of the head. Rose: A cloud of spores burst out of the Rum Rum. Everybody roll a constitution saving throw.

*Everyone rolls*

Rose: You each take 8 points of poisoning damage.

Everyone takes some jars and captures some spores.

In the end we have enough to cast the portal spell 3 times.

The Rum Rums will remember this.

There is a rumble coming from deeper in the cave.

"EVERBODY GET IN THE NAP SACK"

Rayna and Patrick dive into the Nap Sack and Truk grips onto the opening of the bag hanging on for dear life as Alfie takes flight and swings his great club into the side of the cave causing a massive cave in before pulling himself into the Nap Sack.

The whole time Alfie is going "shit shit shit shit shit" as he flies to the opening of the hole.

"Okay everyone out of the Nap Sack"

Everyone exits the nap sack and Alfie and Patrick hear a familiar voice.

"What happened to you guys?"

It's the elder brain that we were supposed to kill but didn't. His name is Brian, and he is Bob's ex-lover. Brian said Bob's name out loud in public and Bob cursed him to be an elder brain.

Alfie: Yeah we may or may not have pissed of some rum rums. Also I got out of that pact with Bob. Brian: Really how did you do that? Alfie: Nepotism. Brian: *confused* Alfie: My great grandfather is his boss. Brian: Oh and you have new friends *reaches a tentacle out to Truk to shake his hand* Truk: *tightens his grip on his great club, his holy symbol glows with power preparing a divine smite* Alfie: Truk no stab. Brian: Oh! You're Brick's son! *squelches backwards* Truk: That is correct. Alfie: *has been traumatized to the point that he doesn't always register when he should be afraid* Still don't know why everyone is scared of you. Truk: I like you. Alfie: Yay!

Alfie: Okay, what's the next thing we need for the spell? Rose: shit I did not expect this to go that quickly, you guys were supposed to barter with the rum rums. Everyone else: Well, you can't say we didn't try. Truk's player: You kept saying we should leave. Rose: the next ingredient you need is Baja Blast... Me: Alfie pulls out a bottle of baja blast Rose: Fey baja blast. Me: Bob owes me a debt so no problem. Rose: Nevermind. Uhhhhh the next ingredient in the book is the heart of a god. Alfie: *smirks* I have an idea. ZEUS ZEUS ZEUS. Zeus: *appears and starts flirting with Fluffy Scruffington* Alfie: *eye twitches* Hey Bob! Bob: yes? Alfie: How would you like to kill a God? Bob: I can't kill a God tho. Me: Yeah Bob is just a fey guy with chaos magic. He may be related to a couple of Gods but he is not a God. Alfie: If you help you can have any organ you want, provided it isn't the heart. Bob: Can I have the spleen? Alfie: Of course! Now Zeus, you don't remember me? I'm hurt. Zeus: Am I supposed to? Alfie: I would imagine so considering I'm the reason you lost a hand in that tavern. Zeus: Oh. It's you. That took a long time to regenerate by the way. Alfie: For those who are wondering, we met in a tavern years ago and he wasn't taking no for an answer, so I ripped off his hand. I still have his arm as a memento. And if you keep flirting with my partner, I'll take a left arm and left leg for maximum discomfort. Zeus: The cat is your partner? Alfie: Yes- Hang on shut up. HEY BRICK! DO YOU STILL HAVE ASCIAN'S BODY?

The clouds part and down from the heavens descends the brutalized body of a beheaded Changeling God. "Thanks Brick!"

Alfie pulls out a blade and takes his time slowly dissecting Ascian's body. The way he moves shows high levels of confidence and familiarity with what he's doing.

"Zeus, do you know what I am?" "A delusional chicken?" "I'm an eldritch being." Zeus laughs at this "Oh really?" Alfie nods. "Have you ever heard of Azathoth?" Zeus freezes. Alfie glances at Zeus, a flicker of eldritch magic in his eye. "He's my great grandfather. He has a soft spot for family."

Zeus is visibly frightened and then Alfie just shouts "HOLY SHIT! He has two hearts! Guys we have two hearts! Now let's get a third one."

Zeus panics and is like no you can't kill me you have to fight uhhhh my bodyguard friend. Then we'll talk about it.

This bodyguard friend is Starscourge Rahdan.

"Everyone. Roll initiative."

Rayna decides to be the tank and Patrick and I each buff Rayna and Truk.

Truk's first attack does over 100 damage and Rahdan decides in that moment that he hates Truk. Fuck that guy. Throughout the fight everyone deals an amount of damage and Alfie pulls out his wand of fireballs and shouts to everyone take cover. He's about to fuckin NUKE Rahdan by using 6 charges all at once. At this point Zeus being the coward he is dips.

186 points of damage.

And it makes Starscourge Rahdan stronger so that's lovely.

Alfie hasn't taken any damage during the fight and notices that Patrick and Truk are not doing very good, so he chucks a Superior Healing Potion at each of them.

Rahdan enters stage two and ascends to the upper atmosphere and descends like a meteor.

Rayna and Truk attempt to work in sync to golf club him back into the atmosphere but ultimately fail.

Everyone rolls a dexterity saving throw and everyone is pulled forward towards Rahdan except for Alfie because gravity is not affecting him at all, and he easily dodges the hot rocks falling from the sky.

Alfie rockets several bouts of acid at Rahdan dealing a decent chunk of damage and Rahdan is about to strike Truk but Rayna jumps in front of him tanking the hit and is knocked 15 feet away and falls prone.

Alfie flies to check on her and helps her up and Rahdan is about to strike Truk again when Truk drops to his knees, rips of his holy symbol, clutches it in his hands and starts to pray.

A very large brick descends from the skies and strikes down Rahdan.

Rayna runs up to Rahdan and drives a hand through his chest and rips out his heart and she feels her pockets get heavier with gold.

Alfie starts laughing maniacally and calls out "Oh Zeus!" in a sing song tone.

And Zeus appears. "Oh fuck."

"You said you'd give us something if we killed your friend."

"I gave money to your fox friend."

The party slowly surrounds Zeus, and he is terrified. They are all covered in blood. Surely, he thought that killing a God such as Rahdan would've quenched their thirst but no, the party has an equal hatred for Zeus, and they want to tear him apart.

"I don't want your gold" Alfie says menacingly. "I want your heart."

A Voice booms through the party's heads

NO, NO MURDERING ZEUS.

Alfie looks dejected. "Aww why not?"

"Unfortunately, he is still needed on Olympus"

Alfie looks to Zeus. "You're safe for now. Stay the fuck away from my partner."

Truk: Can I take his weapon? Brick: Alright. Alfie: Can I also take a weapon *gives brick his please face* Brick: .... alright Alfie: *fist pumps* yes!

Alfie and Truk run up to the body and loot it.

Truk: *takes Rahdan's great sword* Me: does he have a dagger that I can use as a sword? Rose: You can take one of his teeth and turn it into a dagger.

Alfie: *dives into Rahdan's open chest cavity and comes back out tail wagging with his spleen and plops it in Bob's lap like an excited dog* I know I said that you'd get Zeus's spleen, but this is the closest thing we have to Zeus's spleen for now. *glares at Zeus*

Zeus: *looking increasingly horrified at the blood-soaked bird he has pissed off* Bob: *looks incredibly impressed* Alfie: *appears behind Zeus* hello! Zeus: *screams* Alfie: *laughs* tell Hera I say hi! Fluffy Scruffington who was watching the spectacle: *staring at Alfie* I'm going to marry that. Lu who was also watching the spectacle: *staring at Rayna* I'm marrying that.

Alfie meanwhile is harvesting organs for research purposes (he is particularly excited about the lungs) and exits through the mouth with a tooth and intends to turn it into a dagger. Rayna asks Zeus for a lightning bolt and intends to meld it with a weapon of choice. A Rum Rum emerges from the hole and immediately turns back around. "No thanks I choose life."

Zeus now fears chickens, foxes, half orcs and rainbow twinks.

Alfie shakes off the blood from his feathers and before he can say anything deep in the fey wilds someone says "Alfie Alfie Alfie!" And he vanishes in a burst of black flames.

He appears before Azathoth who says that he is very proud of Alfie for completing his quest and how well he did and ruffles his feathers.

Alfie who is currently riding the ADHD/Tism serotonin high blurts out "I took his lungs!"

"Was that for sacrificial reasons or an offering or...?"

"I wanted them, and nobody stopped me."

Azathoth makes a mental note of it and brings up Alfie's parents and questions if Alfie would like to see them again.

"Which ones are you talking about?" "Your biological parents." "I never really knew them. I lost any memories I had of them. I don't even know their voice. But it would be nice to know who they were." "If you go to Hell, you can save them. There will be creatures there that would want to stop you though. Go tell your friends about your new quest."

And then Alfie is back where he was.

Time skips to the Tavern, there is drink, food and music as the party celebrates their victory.

The song "Shut Up and Dance" plays and Alfie and Fluffy are dancing together.

Truk decides once again that he is going to break that pasta eating record and manages to slam down 20lbs of pasta. He goes to rise up and almost falters but stands tall and proud. The placard changes to show Truk as the new record holder.

Bob senses that his record has been broken and rushes to the placard. "fuck"

Rayna wants to try and break the record too but there is a size limit, and she is 8 feet tall.

Alfie questions if he is also not allowed to partake in the pasta eating contest on the account of not being a mortal and having the ability the stomach a lot of food.

Lu: Birds are not permitted to partake in the challenge. Truk: Is that racism I hear? Lu: No unfortunately birds don't react well to our pasta. The last one who tried it burst into the most horrendous hives.

Overall, the party has a fun and carefree night away from the stress and chaos they had been subjected to.

#dnd #dungeons and dumbasses #dungeons and dragons

[zero-insignificance]

DND recap: Everything's Fine

cast includes:

Rose the DM, Alfie (yours truly), Patrick, Truk (new player), Rayna (new player)

We open up back where we began in Equestria.

"Hello there-" and Alfie jumps and swings the cast iron pan he has in his hand like a baseball bat. It collides with Bob's forearm breaking the bones.

Alfie: HOLY SHIT I AM SO SORRY ARE YOU OKAY? Bob: *grimacing in pain* I'll be fine eventually. Uh tata! Alfie: GET BACK HERE. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.

Bob sits down and Alfie gingerly rolls up his sleeve. "Yeah, those are definitely broken. I'm going to have to reset the bones and wrap them. It's going to hurt." and that's just what Alfie does. It hurts a lot and Bob does his best to contain his noises of pain. "Don't mind the broken ribs." Alfie freezes and slowly turns to look at Bob. "What did you say?" Bob, realizing he done messed up goes to leave but Alfie makes him stay. "Explain." "You know your large friend? He trampled over me." "Do you realize how reckless that is, running around with those injuries? You could've exasperated them! You could've punctured a lung!" "Health insurance is so expensive. It costs so much money to get this treated." Alfie groans. "If only Houdini were still alive. She would've taken care of that." and he finishes wrapping up Bob's arm and lets the cast set. "Alright that should heal up good. Take it easy, okay?" and he helps Bob stand up and reaches into his package of patterned patches (it's a box of fun bandages) and places one on Bob healing 6 points of childhood trauma. Bob sniffles and mutters under his breath "Discord was not a good dad." and Alfie sees this and leans forward and gives Bob a gentle hug.

"What is this? What are you doing?" "Something your father clearly never gave you. A hug."

Bob isn't quite sure what to do. The Fey part of his brain is screaming at him. He wants to say thank you, but he can't. He can't owe Alfie a debt. "You don't have to say the forbidden words. A pat on the head would work." This snaps Bob back to reality and he gives Alfie a little pat on the head. Then Bob vanishes and reappears with an 8-foot-tall fox lady. "Since your compatriots keep dying or leaving here's a new friend for you." and just drops the fox lady in Alfie's arms. Alfie doesn't even flinch.

Patrick: who are you? Alfie: he's my patron. He also owns your memories. Patrick: Wait, isn't he related to Discord? Alfie: yeah, Discord birthed him like a sea horse. Patrick: Do you have a mom? Bob: yes I do *pulls out a photo of Betty White* This is my mother.

Alfie and Patrick see her form for what it is. An amorphous blob with many many eyes.

The hair on Bob's neck stands up "he's coming" and he throws a smoke bomb down and runs into the Everfree forest.

From the heavens a bright and radiant light shines down upon us. a brick descends with a half orc.

"You guys are babysitting my kid. Have a good day sweetie."

And then the brick vanishes leaving the half orc with us.

Alfie still has Rayna the 8-foot-tall fox lady in his arms and immediately shouts "DISCORD DISCORD DISCORD."

Discord: Yes? What is it? Alfie: Uh a brick just dropped of this guy off for us to babysit. Are we getting paid or...? Discord: Oh, Brick did that? He'll definitely pay you well. Alfie: What is Brick? Discord: Brick is a god who kind of keeps other gods in check. Alfie: Huh. They should probably check on that changeling guy that killed me. He needs to be knocked down a peg.

Rose the DM: your bag of holding feels a bit heavier. Alfie sets down Rayna, opens his bag of holding and sees a brick at the top with a note on it. "It will be done." A single tear rolls down Alfie's face and his voice cracks as he says "thank you." Alfie asks Hank about what Rum Rums are because we need those for the portal spell to escape the fey wilds.

Bob reappears and says we should probably get going but Alfie has to talk to Twilight for research reasons. We have 3 hours.

We split up. Truk hears someone complain about the bricks in their house. Alfie goes off to talk to Twilight. Patrick gets lost. Rayna wanders into town. Alfie: Hi Twilight! Twilight: I'm sorry do I know you? Alfie: That's a complicated question, so let's just start off with hi I'm Alfie and I'm from a different world. Twilight: You're from a different world? Alfie: Yeah, I'm from a different universe too. There are different universes, but you already know about the human world. Twilight: *starts hyperventilating from excitement* Alfie: Twilight. *places hands on the sides of Twilight's face* breathe in and breathe out. Twilight: *nods her head* Alfie: I have and excellent research opportunity for you.

Rayna comes across Rarity who recruits her as a model.

Cut to Truk and a bystander pony. Truk: were you talking shit about my father? Bystander pony: no uh who is your father? Truk: Brick. Bystander pony: *of fuck face* I would never- Patrick: *ambles up to Truk* we should probably find the others. Truk: *glares at background pony and leaves with Patrick*

Patrick and Truk find Alfie and Twilight and Twilight tells Alfie that his friend is scaring the residents of Ponyville.

Cut back to Rarity and Rayna and Rarity has crafted this gorgeous dress:

"That will be 2000 bits" like she didn't just grab Rayna off the street for "exposure" and as Alfie is talking to Twilight about the whole time rewind thing and Will Smith stepping in to fix everything (Will Smith does not follow Beetlejuice rules) Alfie senses that someone is going against their element of harmony.

He appears in the second-floor window of the Carousel Boutique and says "t̴̢̒h̸͇̾a̶̲̔t̴͔̓ ̷̝͘ǐ̶͓s̸̼̿n̴̹̉'̸̢͆t̴̙͛ ̸́ͅv̶̛͈è̶͕r̶̬͛y̴̬̽ ̷̟̄g̶̪̓ę̸̿n̶̼͒e̶̡̍r̷̞͝o̶͍̎ṵ̸͑s̸͖̅." and Rayna keeps the dress free of charge. Alfie gives Twilight a magical pen pal book with so many protective spells on it.

Patrick checks out the book It from the library. It has the "icky pages" torn out.

We go to leave Equestria because the portal is closing, and Twilight begs us to take her with us and Alfie says "Twilight. I know you want to learn everything about the other worlds, but I know where your timeline leads. You are needed here. I will take you there some day. Just not today. We'll keep in touch." And we head through the portal and back into the museum.

Patrick draws a mustache on a minor illusion of Hank the orb (we stole Hank from this museum) because Patrick hates Hank. The feeling is mutual.

Dr Dakota Jones (brother of Indiana Jones) asks what the heck is happening over there and why is a mustache on Hank. Patrick says that he was like that when we came here. Dakota Jones believes him.

We head outside and it is night time.

Alfie: I don't know about you guys but I'm hungry. Are you guys hungry? Patrick: *pulls out a t-bone steak* you want this? Bob: *appears out of nowhere* AHH! Why do you have that? Paul the Pink Buffalo: *starts chewing on Bob's robes* Alfie: Uhhhh Bob: *shaking in fear* He's behind me isn't he? Alfie: *stares at Bob and nods* Bob: *slowly turns around and then faints* Patrick and Rayna's players: We loot his body Rose: Patrick you find his stash of baja blast. Patrick: this is useless *tosses the baja blast to the side* Patrick's player: I keep looking for my memories. Rose: Rayna, you find one of Patrick's memories. It looks like a marble. Patrick: PLEASE CAN I HAVE IT. Me: I check to see if he's alive. Rose: He's alive. Rayna: What are you willing to part with? Patrick: You can have this steak? Rayna: Deal. Rose: Patrick the memory you get is your first time having ice cream. You can see your parents in this memory. Alfie: *picks up Bob's unconscious body bridal style* what do we name the buffalo? Patrick: Paul. Alfie: Paul the Pink Buffalo. Let's get Bob to his house. Me: I scan the town for a house that probably has a Baja Blast dispenser in it. Rose: You see a large fancy purple house with a neon pink sign that says "Bob's Place" on it. Me: we go to Bob's Place. Rose: you open the door, and the house is covered with Mountain Dew paraphernalia. The couch looks like a can of mountain dew. Alfie: I knew his favorite color wasn't green. Me: there's a bottle of code red with a knife in it. Reina's Player: I steal all of the mountain dew stuff and replace it with Pepsi stuff. Rose: Because you are new, I will ask you this once. Are you sure? Rayna's player: I put all of the mountain dew stuff in a neighbor's house to put the blame on them. Rose: Ok. Uh Alfie you make it to Bob's bedroom, and it is very lavish and luxurious. The sheets are Mountain Dew branded. Me: I tuck him in, give him a pat on the head and leave a bottle of Baja Blast on the nightstand. We leave the house and Patrick wants us to go looking for Rum Rum's now. Alfie would like to go to bed. Patrick tries to leave Finkleberg but a fae bear named Björn blocks his path.

Björn: I'm afraid I can't let you pass. Curfew forbids it. Patrick: What's a curfew. Alfie: I've never had a curfew before. My dads didn't see the point. Björn: I would recommend going to the Inn. Patrick: *climbs onto the roof of Bob's house and sets up his bed roll*

Alfie pulls out a bottle of mead and pops the top off with his teeth and says "Fuck it I'm sleeping good tonight." and starts chugging it. He pauses and asks Rayna if she wants to join him and she says yes so Alfie hands her a separate bottle of mead. Alfie finishes the first bottle of mead and feels nothing. Makes sense considering what he is and because of that he has a high alcohol tolerance so he downs a second bottle of mead. From the napsack out of Marks inventory comes a bottle of wyvern whiskey.

Alfie: Truk do you want any? Rose: You feel a rock hit the back of your head. Brick from the heavens: He's a minor. Truk: I'm 16. Rose: that makes you an adult according to half orc standards. Alfie: That's fine. More for us. Björn: Are you guys just going to stay out here? I don't want to fine you for public intoxication. Alfie: *still isn't feeling anything so he downs a glass of wyvern whiskey* don't worry we're heading to the Inn.

Alfie winds up being the tiniest bit tipsy thanks to the wyvern whiskey.

We get two rooms at the inn, one for Truk who wanted to sleep alone, and Rayna and I share the other. 4 copper pieces for the rooms.

We all get ready for bed and one by one we fall asleep and dream.

Truk is in a white void, face to face with Brick, his adoptive parent. Screams of pain are heard in the background. Ascian the Changeling is being molly whopped by Brick. Brick: How is everyone treating you? Truk: Good. I don't know much about them yet. Brick: Very good. Don't go off killing people in my name. Truk: No. Rose: You go back to dreaming about what you'd normally dream of. Truk's player: That would be killing people with Brick. Rayna dreams of sailing across the seas. Patrick dreams of fabricated memories.

And then we get to Alfie's dream.

Alfie comes to in a black void and sees a chilled-out surfer bro.

Alfie: Who are you? Surfer bro: I'm your great grandfather, Azathoth. Alfie: Wait I still have living relatives? Azathoth: More or less. I'm an eldritch being. Alfie: Wait so I don't just have draconic blood, but I have eldritch blood too? Azathoth: That would be correct. What have you been up to? Alfie: A lot of things. I'm in a pact with this fey dude named Bob. Azathoth's face darkness.

what did you say?

Alfie: Bob. The Baron D'Avariss. Azathoth reaches across the dreamscape and pulls Bob into this dream.

Alfie: Oh god he's dead. Bob: Nugget? What's happening? Alfie: You're in my dream, and my great grandpa is here. Bob: Who are you talking about- Oh! Hi boss! Alfie: oh no you're so dead.

Care to explain why you entered a pact with my grandson?

Bob: i promise i had a good reason.

I'm waiting.

Bob: so, i was chilling in Finkelberg and I felt a disturbance of foreign magics, so I went to investigate it and I found a little chicken guy and a Goliath and a human fighting a false hydra. I sensed that the fight wasn't going well so I struck a deal.

Why the chicken?

Bob: promise you won't be mad?

I make no promises but i will endeavor to be patient.

Bob looks incredibly nervous before blurting out "BECAUSE HE REAKS OF FORIEGN MAGIC AND I WANTED TO DISECT HIM!" and then he covers his mouth and trembles at Azathoth's rage.

"Please don't kill him!"

I won't. Now Bob if you don't release my grandson's soul I will slowly and agonizingly dissect and rip apart every atom of your being.

Bob in the waking world shits himself and wets the bed.

Bob shudders before weakly sputtering out an okay,

Azathoth's voice returns to his casual surfer bro "Now Bob if you set a finger on a single feather on Alfie's head, I will shuffle the positions and functions of every orifice on your body."

Bob nods his head.

"This means I'm going to have more magic I'll need to learn to control."

"Don't worry about that, we're making some amenities to the pact. You'll enter a pact with me until you learn to control these powers. I can promise you that I have much less nefarious reasons to keep you around."

"Will I still be able to read the book?"

"Oh Alfie, you always could. You just needed to unlock it first."

"I look forward to getting to know you."

"So do I little man. So do I."

"Is Bob going to be okay?"

"He'll be fine. He isn't actually an all-powerful arch fae. His favorite color isn't even green. I make him say that coz it's funny."

Alfie laughs at that. It is funny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alfie wakes up in the Inn and the first thing he says is "I'M AN ELDRITCH BEING?!" This startles Rayna awake "wha- what happened?"

"I'm an eldritch being."

Across the town we hear a high-pitched scream and a booming "WHAT THE FUCK."

Bob's house shakes and Patrick falls to the ground taking two points of bludgeoning damage.

Bob storms out and sees that all of his mountain dew stuff is at his neighbor's house, summons an orb of chaos magic and chucks it at his neighbor's house turning it into hot dogs. The neighbor is incredibly confused as they are now surrounded by hot dogs and Mountain Dew merchandise.

Alfie and Rayna are watching this from the window. We have a good laugh and get ready for breakfast

This time there are strawberry jam donuts for Alfie. Alfie did not get any yesterday even though he had been promised them. Alfie did not eat anything yesterday. We are all directed to the non-fey food section.

Alfie feels more whole than he has in a long time. There are so many foods there from pastas to vegetables, sweets and savories.

People of the fey wilds are vegetarian and also don't eat pasta. Apparently, they have beef with the Italians. Alfie is 80% vegetarian most of the time, so he has plenty of options.

Patrick shows up and starts partaking in so much pasta along with Truk as he has forgotten he does not like pasta. Alfie has a bowl of stir-fried vegetables and zucchini noodles and is a very happy camper.

Bob opens the door to the tavern and looks very shaken up about what had happened in the dream realm. "Alfie, hi uh I have something for you." Alfie has a mouth full of noodles and goes "hm?" From his cloak Bob pulls out a wispy orb of pure light that shifts through every single color of the rainbow. Alfie knows what it is when he sees it. It's his soul. He walks up to Bob and gently takes the orb from his hands and places it back in his chest. It feels strange but good. And because he feels a bit bad about what happened to Bob (Alfie can smell it on him) he gives Bob a name of someone from his old world, a prince and tells him that if he heals his sister A'Loki will be in his debt.

Bob slipped up and said "thank you." Bob owes Alfie a debt.

And Bob leaves.

At one point the Inn keeper says thank you to Patrick who is a changeling of the fey wilds. Alfie points this out and she says that it's fine cuz Patrick doesn't remember how to use his fey powers. Patrick: What did you say? Inn keeper: I didn't say anything. Alfie: Yeah, she didn't say anything. Patrick: I don't even remember who I am. Inn keeper: You are Prince *insert princely name here* *winks at Alfie* Alfie: *winks back*

Rayna is going around looking at the decor and sees a placard on the wall. "Pasta eating champion, ate 19 pounds of pasta" and it has a picture of Bob on it, and he is an orb. Spherical. Round. Rotund.

Naturally Patrick thinks "I'm going to break that record." and so did Truk.

Patrick shovels down 5 lbs. of pasta and collapses. Alfie looks around and notices that one of the legs on the table is wobbly, so he takes care of that. Truk shovels down 13 lbs. of pasta and collapses. Patrick is not giving up and manages to shovel down 17 more lbs. of pasta.

Rayna stops to talk with the Inn keeper who is currently working at the bar. She is a tiefling with pinkish red skin, cloven hooves, a tail and her hair pulled up into a bun with bangs and two strands of hair framing her face.

Brick materializes and sees his son in a food coma on the floor and is just like "What in the fuck happened?"

Patrick wheezes out "food coma."

Brick floats over to Alfie who is currently in the corner fashioning some new legs for some stools that were missing a leg or two. "You have done a sufficient job of caring for my child. Here is your payment" and just gives Alfie a chest with 5000 gp.

"Wait! Did you know what I was? What I am?" "Yes." "Cuz I just found out last night." "Oh, Azzie finally worked up the courage to talk to you? He's been trying to do that for months. Years even. It just never seemed like the right time."

At the bar Rayna decides to gamble with a game of Liars Dice. Rayna: If I win I get you. Inn Keeper: Why do you want me? Rayna: If I win you'll find out. Me: your hand in marriage. Inn keeper: Well, if I win I want the chicken. He's been doing so many repairs around the Tavern, and I'd like to keep him around. Alfie: *looks up from the stool he's working on* That's a bad idea. My grandpa is Azathoth. Inn keeper: Oh, um never mind then. If I win, I want the dragon. *gestures to Rayna's familiar* Patrick: can I play? Rayna's player: What does she want from you? Me: She wants the twink. Rose: She wants the twink. Inn Keeper: One player at a time- are you okay? Alfie: *hanging upside down from the chandelier* Who is doing the maintenance in this building? This chandelier is probably going to fall down in a few months. *starts fixing the base of the chandelier* Rayna: Alright, let's play.

Alfie notices a familiar face enter the tavern: Fluffy Scruffington, Catfolk bard who left the party to start their own medicinal cat nip store and has been collecting variants that can only be found in the fey wilds. So naturally they start talking at a table in the corner and they start flirting. While the focus is on the game of Liar's Dice between Rayna and the Inn keeper, Alfie and Fluffy are having a little coffee date which is going well and they exchange information.

Rayna: I WIN! Inn Keeper: You did. Why did you want me? Rayna: Well, I wanted your hand in marriage. Me: called it. Inn Keeper: uh uh uh um uh UM *gay panic* Rayna's player: This is where I reveal that Rayna is a lesbian. Rayna: Now I would like to know my fiancé's name. Rose: oh god I need a name for this NPC. Me: I have a character that is perfect for this. Introducing: Lu the lesbian tiefling bard, she plays the hurdy gurdy.

Rose: Damn you bagged a hottie. Patrick: Let's do a betting pool, Alfie you want in on this? Alfie: *stops making out with Fluffy Scruffington* no I'm busy. * goes back to making out with Fluffy Scruffington* Rose: Does Alfie get hair balls from Fluffy? Me: No, he has a strong digestive system. He can digest bones.

In the betting pool are a bunch of gold pieces, a really cool sword and Patrick didn't have anything to bet so Alfie gave him a rubber duckie so Patrick would feel included on his way out of the tavern so he and Fluffy could go on a walk and visit Paul the pink buffalo and give him some food.

Rayna won the betting pool.

The party met Alfie outside and Alfie asks Bob where we can find Rum Rums and he points in a direction and says that there's a cave that goes down 1500 feet. It's very dark and hard to breathe down there. So, Alfie brings out several gas masks that are perfectly tailored to each party member. Nobody questions why he has those.

Thusly concludes the recap.

#dnd #dungeons and dumbasses #nepotism saved alfie's soul #dungeons and dragons #gay shit

[zero-insignificance]

Continuation on the MLP session

So update the mlp arc

Cast includes:

Rose, Mark, Patrick, Alfie, Quinn, and the newest player Miss Houdini the cleric and their companion a white buffalo.

During Mark and Discord's fight Mark is absolutely kicking Discord's ass and Mark says "Just say I win and I'll spare you-" and is cut off and Discord just says "I win!" and poofs away in a cloud of bubbles. Mark shakes his head and in the afterlife Alfie says "I smell some bullshit." and Discord admits that he is doing a tactical retreat and that he underestimated Mark and that they'll fight again at a very inconvenient time for him. Mark says "he retreated. I win." and Bob says that it was a monkey's paw situation, and he gives Mark his soul back saying that he doesn't want his "dirty Philidelphia soul" and that he can keep his memories. Racist prick. Mark is about to burn Ponyville to the ground and gets the feeling he should go to the afterlife instead and hops into the portal.

Cut to Patrick, Quinn and Alfie who are making their way to Fluttershy's cottage and Alfie asks Bob if he can traverse universes that aren't a part of the whole connected universe thing and Bob says he cannot unless there is a preexisting way to get there. Alfie's just like "Damn I guess you can't dissect my corpse that's in my old universe then." "Of course not, it has to be fresh" "Well I do have my dead body from Dinkleberg" but Bob also denies this. Alfie brings up that he knows some others that he thinks he might be interested in dissecting specificaly from his old party. "Which ones?" "there's the owlin who had this parasite, that immortal clown satyr, a demon, there was that bard... Several members of royalty and nobility including that prick who killed me..." "So you're saying that you can give me a bunch of new minions?" "Pretty much." "Then why would I release you from my possession?" "I can give you them all at once. I have a list that I'm happy to give you once I'm freed." "We'll talk about this later." and he disappears and Alfie says that he really wishes Bob would stop calling him his property and Bob reappears. "Oh, dear I didn't know I was making you uncomfortable. Now poultry poultry poultry, we're more like acquaintances you and I. except I own your soul" and Alfie mumbles that he missed when his old party would just call him chicken parm and chicken nugget. "Then I guess I shall call you nugget. Tata!" and he throws a smoke bomb and books it to the Everfree forest.

We make it to Fluttershy's cottage and it's surrounded by a thick purple smoke. Alfie tries to clear the smoke with his wings and it does not move. He pulls out a fishing rod and attaches a steak to it and casts it into smoke. The steak comes out a perfect medium rare. Patrick groans "oh come on you ruined a perfectly good steak, it's got mud on it!" "oh, that steak was on its last legs-" and then it grows legs. "Are you okay little guy?" questions Alfie. "NEVAH BETTAH!" in a New York accent and Alfie removes the hook, and the steak is freed. It runs into the Everfree forest, and we hear a very high-pitched scream from Bob as he is pursued by the steak. "AHHHH GET AWAY FROM ME GET AWAY FROM ME!" "AAAYYE WHAT'S THE MATTAH PRETTY, BOY? WHY YOU RUNNIN? AIN'T YOU EVAH SEE A STEAK WITH LEGS?"

Mark meets us at Fluttershy's cottage with Twilight and Alfie say we have to get in there and save Fluttershy. Twilight tells Mark that he will be banned from Ponyville and gives Alfie a permanent library card cuz we are chill now and Alfie does a happy dance "You're not neurotypical are you?" "What gave that away?" "the happy stimming- wait who's Fluttershy" and dread washes over Alfie's face.

Alfie: That mother fucker. I SWEAR TO GOD IF HE KILLED FLUTTERSHY-"

Patrick: But she already dead.

Alfie: Well then we resurrect her.

Patrick: Would that work on a spirit?

Alfie: I DIED AND WASN'T REVIVIFIED.

Patrick: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIED?

Alfie: I MENTIONED THIS BEFORE- *sighs* In my old world I was power word killed and became a lost soul for I don't even know how long and there are things in the In-Between that I don't like to talk about. There was a weak point in the fabric of reality, and I popped into this universe and Mark found me. I wasn't revived and I'm alive.

Twilight: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? WHO IS FLUTTERSHY?

Alfie shows her pictures of Fluttershy in the Filly Vanilli episode turned comic book and Twilight doesn't know her. "What are the elements of harmony and who are they bound to?" and Twilight lists them stopping at kindness, saying that they haven't found someone who is bound to the element of kindness.

"That piece of shit" and from the cottage we hear a familiar laugh of the gnome who was the false hydra. A fire is lit in Mark's eyes. He was going to the door and Bob appears and says "Ah ah ah! I figured you could use this." and turns around and pulls out a 6'3" Eladrin elf woman. And she is pink and fluffy with a white buffalo that is covered in pink bows.

Mark says "move I have a gnome to kill." and the Eladrin is like "hold on I don't think that's a good idea-" and Alfie shouts "FAMILY MEETING." and everyone freezes. "THAT INCLUDES YOU." pointing to the Eladrin. "SIT YOUR ASSES DOWN." and levels an intense stare at each party member plus Twilight until they sit down, and we are all in a circle.

Alfie starts clipping everyone together with carabiners and bungee cords saying he will not have another "Forest of fears situation."

The Eladrin raises her hand. "I think I should probably introduce myself to ya'll. My name is Miss Houdini and I'm a healer."

"We need a game plan. Mark can you use Echo to clear the smoke?" it doesn't work the smoke grows bigger. Miss Houdini cuts in "I heard something about a false hydra? In all my years I believe that murder is not the answer. Let me try to talk with it" "How old are you? "I will not answer that question." "Okay understandable just know that if you fail I will stab it or cast multiple fireballs at it."

Alfie then consults Hank the orb asking what the smoke is. It's pure chaos magic. There's no way of knowing what will happen to us but we have to take the risk. The balance of an entire realm is at stake. Alfie also asks what a false hydra's weaknesses are. Hank has no answer. "Is he okay or is the orb magic?" Miss Houdini asks, and Mark responds with 'Oh it's magic. It talks telepathically. You have to touch it to hear it." "Do I want to?" Patrick interjects with "THAT ORB IS A BITCH." and Miss Houdini hesitantly places a hand on the orb and is told to roll a wisdom check. Nat 1. A voice booms throughout the party's heads.

"YOU ARE NOT WORTHY, YOU'RE WORSE THAN THE TWINK."

"NO I'M THE WORSt- WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE-"

Alfie puts Hank away and thanks him for the infromation.

We all enter the smoke and the DM says to roll a d100.

Mark grows an additional 4 limbs and his speed is halved because the new legs haven't been used before. Alfie's strength is now a 3 for the next 3 hours. If Patrick rolls a nat 20 it is treated as a 19. Miss Houdini becomes an alicorn the size of Celestia. Other than that she is fine but the DM tells her to roll a d4 because the number she rolled causes one member to have the effects of confusion. Alfie is the unlucky winner. He is now confused, weak and very tipsy. He crashes into Miss Houdini, and she lifts him onto the Buffalo "oh you poor thing...'" and Alfie slurs out "you're so sweet- omigosh you're so soft!" and he starts petting the buffalo. Twilight stutters out "what is happening to all of-" and she devolves into speaking giant. Alfie can make out what she's saying only because he speaks autism not to be confused with Autism Speaks.

We enter the cottage, and we see the gnome on a throne with an egg.

"Well well well..."

"What did you do to Fluttershy- you look shorter than last time..." Alfie slurs.

"Just a light transferring of consciousness." and then the buffalo starts peeing on the hardwood floor. The gnome is disgusted but keeps playing the whole "I'm the BBEG I'm going to make you fight the sweetest character you'll ever know" card and sinks into the ground laughing.

The egg starts to hatch and this comes out of it:

Fluttershy grows five more heads and lets out labored breaths becoming the Flutterhydra.

Alfie just starts crying and is like "WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOOUUUUU? Wait didn't you say you were going to try and talk to it?" and Miss Houdini starts to talk to the Flutterhydra and offers her a bow which she accepts, and Patrick tries to summon Discord.

"It's Beetlejuice rules" says the DM.

Two names are spoken thrice unbroken. Both Discord and Beetlejuice are summoned, and Alfie just says "I love that musical..."

Discord was clearly taking a shower before being summoned and Patrick is like "Soooooo we don't know how to deal with this. Can you turn her back?" "Only once she is out of the afterlife."

"Now sugar can you walk?" Fluttershy lets out a raspy "No."

"Well that's okay we can carry you there I got some friends that are willing to help." and Fluttershy seems unsure.

I don't remember how but Miss Houdini brings up revenge and all of the Flutterhydra's heads turn to face Mark.

"MARK YOU SHOULD PROBABLY START RUNNING!" shouts Patrick and Alfie starts crying even harder.

Mark turns to Alfie and gives him his bag of holding, and his sword Echo. Alfie cries even harder saying that he can't lose him too. Not like this and he is helpless to stop this. And Mark turns to the Flutterhydra and kneels before her.

"If my death will make you feel better... If it'll fix it... Then do it." The heads go to strike him in sync and time freezes.

We're all aware and able to move and from behind the Flutterhydra steps Will Smith from YouTube Rewind.

"Aw shit. It's rewind time."

Time itself splinters and reforms rewinding back further and further until we are back to where we started when we first came to Equestria. Gorg is not with us, but Miss Houdini is along with her companion. We're back to normal in our original forms.

"Hi! Welcome to Equestria!" Alfie hops down from the buffalo and shakes Spike's hand "It's excellent to meet you Spike for the first time ever."

Mark: Can you fly?

Spike: no, I can't.

Alfie: You will eventually.

Mark: Would you like to?

Alfie: Mark I will kill you.

Spike: You're saying you can make me fly as high as the pegasi and alicorns?

Mark: Yes

Mark golf clubs Spike with Gorg's hammer and he lands in the Ponyville square fountain and from the heavens we hear

HOLE IN ONE

and then Mark summons Discord.

Mark: DISCORD DO YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING.

Discord: Ugh yes, I remember. Will Smith's power doesn't work on me.

Mark: Oh. Uh are we good?

Discord: *disgruntled noises* I suppose we are... GOODBYE! *disappears in a cloud of bubbles*

Alfie: WAIT I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU ABOUT FLUTTERSHY!

*the bubbles coalesce back into Discord's form*

Discord: Yes?

Alfie: You and I both know that you have feelings for her. I can tell you when you should pop the question.

Discord: Do tell.

Alfie: After Twilight's first pupil graduates ask her out.

Alfie has to talk with Twilight in the next session about research things.

#dnd #dungeons and dumbasses #my little pony #dungeons and dragons

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Snow nose diving

(via)

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“Hands down, confidently after 26 years on the internet, this is the best thing I have ever found.”

(Source)

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Bruh I was doin my hair and jokingly pointing the blow dryer at one of my cats and then there was this big ass wolf spider so me being me I trap the damn thing with a cup and some paper cuz I'm merciful like that and I go to take it outside.

I have the door to the backyard open and say to the spider "You have all this audacity living in my house with your 3-year lifespan you going to have to die outside-" and I stumble and yelp and the cup comes off just long enough and the spider books it towards my face and I just yeet the paper flinging the spider to the ground and I grab the cup and the spider starts booking it towards the door and I slammed this door and the spider's face

That spider had so much confidence.

The sheer audacity of that spider.

I'm like 99% sure that it's waiting at the door with a knife.

#don't monologue with the spider #bros at the door like Dr Phil #open the damn door or I'm going to throw rocks at your window you dumb whore #that spider was doing the tango of death with my cat

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I'm too gay for this shit

#im gay

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Shit that happened in my DND Campaign

Cast consists of the following and is separated into two sessions

Rose: DM

Alfie: Chicken looking birdfolk sorcerer warlock and is from a different universe

Mark: human barbarian paladin

Gorg: Goliath barbarian

Patrick: changeling bard? with memory loss

Luna: Elf (they fell victim to the false hydra)

Quinn: wood elf

Fluffy Scruffington: tabaxi

Bob: Archfey NPC (Alfie made a deal with him)

So basically we're standing in front of the painting and Bob appears out of nowhere and pretty much says Hi and I'm like "SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, WHEN DID YOU GET THERE?!"

Bob just throws a smoke bomb and as the smoke clears we see him booking it to the museum exit and he trips and Gorg just busts through the door and hops straight into the painting.

I ask Hank (magical orb of memories that had some sort of say over reality) if the unicorns are the nice and pure hearted kind of the murderous blood thirsty kind and Hank says they're a bunch of cocky sons of bitches.

We all go in the painting and the first thing that we see is Spike who says "Hello welcome to Equestria-" and immediately gets golf clubbed by Gorg's hammer and is immediately killed.

And from the heavens we hear "HOME RUN!" Gorg has a new patron Wii Matt of Wii sports.

My little pony friendship is magic is a graphic novel series where Alfie is from, and Gorg has nightmares about the ponies.

We head into Ponyville and the first pony we meet is Princess Twilight Sparkle. Alfie sums up why we are here asks if there's a cemetery that we can grave rob and also asks her to sign his copies of the MLP graphic novels and leaves her with a bag of gems to pay for any damages. The Golden Oak library is still there.

Gorg sneaks off and spots Rarity. She turns screams and Gorg covers her mouth and kills her dragging the body behind the Carousel Boutique.

Fluttershy is behind the Carousel Boutique and has a panic attack, I chuck a health potion at Gorg and he shoves it down Rarity's throat. She is now extra dead. Mark turns Fluttershy to look at him telling her not to look and wraps his section staff around her snapping her neck. Meanwhile, Gorg was making a show of needing to get rarity help before breaking off her horn and both bodies are stashed away. The DM says "Mark a feeling of dread washes over you. He knows."

Alfie's making his way towards the cemetery and comes across sugar cube corner, popping into ask where the cemetery is and meeting Pinkie pie.

She's absolutely HYPED right now cuz NEW FRIEND.

Pinkie pie is positively vibrating especially since Alfie knows who she is and she has never met him before and he asks her if she wants to go grave robbing with him for some unicorn horns and she says yes.

Meanwhile, Gorg is covered in iridescent unicorn blood and jumps into the town squares fountain to clean it off, destroying the fountain in the process.

Mark decides to sample some of the pony blood and becomes a pony version of himself.

His cutie mark is the word "brisket"

Alfie and Pinkie rush outside to see What happened and now he's like "Hold up Mark is that you?" And Gorgs panicking because what happened to his friend and he does not trust ponies and Granny Smith ambles up to him like "Now now settle down. your friend's probably fine"

Gorg tries to trick Pinkie pie into coming down an alley with him all alone but Alfie brings up that she promised to go grave robbing with him and no pony breaks a promise.

Mark joins us on our trip to the ponyville graveyard.

Gorg stays behind and offers to give granny Smith a haircut.

Cursed shit insued

Gorg is at the fountain and Granny Smith has her back to him.

I have a better granny Smith impression than Rose so I'm roped into this.

Gorg accidentally pees on granny's head.

I panic and play the clueless old lady card and say "oh sugar. I didn't know you were going to give me a shampoo and rinse" and he hocks a loogie into her hair and rubs it in and discord is so disgusted by this that rewind time so it didn't happen and the only people who know that time has rewound are the party members.

Gorg ends up giving Granny Smith an emo haircut and she loves it cuz it reminds her of her rebellious days.

Cut to the graveyard where Pinkie is just desperate to give us cupcakes and I offer tradesies for my muffins and it's a deal she gives me the cupcakes and then she inhales the muffins tray and all and chokes to death.

Mark takes a bite out of Pinkie because the pony blood has made him hunger for more pony flesh and gains more power.

Discord's weakness is pee.

Alfie gets curious and samples some of the pony blood and becomes a pegasus pony minus the bloodlust cuz he scored high enough on the constitution save and only sampled a drop.

I do have bottles of various pony bloods now.

Cut back to Gorg who has opened a successful barber shop. Granny Smith is in the corner just feeling herself in the mirror.

Applejack gets in the hairdressing chair and ask Gorg if he can cut her hair and Gorg says "Yes. Do you consent to me taking a little off the top?" "Sure do, sugar cube." Gorg repeats the question two more times and Applejack says "yes now get on with cutting my hair sweet pea." And out of character Gorg says "I've asked her three times. I come from a different culture. Can this just be a culture dispute?" And Rose says yes.

Gorg chops off Applejack's head and adds her head to his belt.

He meets up with us at the graveyard and Alfie is just digging up graves and sawing off horns leaving flowers on graves as a way to say sorry for defiling your corpse. Muttering under his breath "it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. Everything's going to be fine" because his childhood is getting more ruined than it already was

First grave we dug up was a fresh grave so of course Mark takes a bite out of the freshly buried body and becomes an alicorn because now he has the magic of all three pony tribes flowing through his veins.

Twilight shows up and Mark is like "Can you give me a hug? I could really use a hug." and she's like "you seem fine "and Alfie's just frantically shaking his head no. And Gorg says "Can I have a hug? My parents were killed by a cupcake." And she says "oh you poor thing of course!" and she gives him a hug and he hugs her to death.

Mark goes for the flank and then runs off on a blood lusted rampage heading to where Spike's body is and becomes a bat pony alicorn after feasting on his flesh.

Mark has jumped the shark

Alfie frantically goes searching for Rainbow Dash so she can warn the princesses about what's happening in Ponyville and finds her in her cloud house taking a nap and tells her 'Rainbow Dash we have to go to canterlot and warn the princesses. There's a bloodthirsty maniac on the loose! Your friends are dead!" And she goes "wait what?" and Mark gets a perfect 20 on an athletics check to see if he can kill Rainbow from wherever he is in ponyville she dies as a dagger pierces through the cloud and spears her in the gut.

At this point Mark is summoned to the graveyard face to face with Discord. Who is pissed off that he has killed his Fluttershy.

Alfie was going to fly to Canterlot to warn the Princesses himself. But the party is the only family he has left. He can't just abandon them and he's just muttering to himself that he wishes he could give Discord some spells that way he can bring Fluttershy back.

Gorg will remember this.

Discord has sobered mark up and Mark has no memory of what happened.

Mark wants to make a deal with Bob and Bob. Shows up out of nowhere and says hey Dad to Discord cuz Discord is his father.

There is nothing Bob can do and Discord gives us two options. Either we fight him or we travel to the afterlife to get Fluttershy's soul back I present an alternative option which would be to use my book to save her in her last moments but my campaign members choose fight Discord. The fight begins at dawn.

Gorg essentially ascends because he broke whatever pact he had with Kratos.

Gorg is no longer with the party, we all get a plus 4 on attack rolls.

End of that session

Next session Patrick, Quinn and Luna join us and they get a recap of what happened.

We are all ponies now.

When we first met Patrick, Mark told him that they were best friends and Patrick went along with it.

Patrick, upon hearing what happened, loudly wonders why they're friends in the first place.

Everyone chews out Mark and Alfie heads off to the Golden oak library cuz He wants to see if there are any new spells he can learn from there and also wants to check out the basement. He takes some of the books and we all head to the basement and see the Cutie Mark Crusaders who are plotting some new way to earn their cutie marks.

Today they're going to help Big Mac on the farm but little do they know Big Mac is dead, Applejack is dead, Granny Smith is dead. The first thing Alfie says when he sees them is "DON'T GO OUTSIDE" and He blocks the doorway and we have to break the news all their sisters are dead their families are just dead. Mark and I deceive them into thinking that there was just some completely unrelated alicorn psychopath that went on the loose and that discord is taking care of the alicorn psychopath at dawn and we make the decision to send them off to Appaloosa so Braeburn can take care of them while we sort everything else out.

We bribe them with cupcakes to make sure that they keep their eyes closed so they don't get extra traumatized. And as we see them off, the sun rises and we're all teleported by Discord to the battleground.

Patrick and Luna back out of the fight because this is kind of Mark's fault despite the fact that he was in an amnesia inducing frenzy and Alfie is conflicted because on one hand Mark is his closest friend. He's the first person he met in this universe. The closest thing he has to family now. But ultimately he decides to do the right thing and prevent even more suffering and death by going to the afterlife and retrieving the mane six with the rest of the party.

Mark summons Bob the Archfey saying that he wants to make a deal with him.

For his soul, name and memories of his little sister he makes this deal: If he kills Discord, I will be freed from my pact, we are free to leave the fey wilds, and have more of the supplies we need for that interdimensional portal book. If Mark perishes in this battle between him and Discord, he will essentially become a husk of his former self as an undead soldier for Bob.

Alfie and Mark share a heartfelt goodbye knowing this could be the last time they ever see each other. Mark gives Alfie his cloak as a memento, share a hug and Alfie gives him a salute and jumps into the hole that leads to the afterlife the other party members following after him leaving Mark to battle Discord solo.

In the afterlife colors are inverted it looks like ponyville but everything's off. Patrick approaches a background pony asking where the main six are and they turn around with white glowing eyes and screech at them before slowly turning their head back to the other pony they were talking to.

We venture further into this twisted town and see Applejack talking to Rarity, we say hey and Applejack's head just falls off and lands at our hooves. "Sorry sugar cube it happens sometimes" and we break the news to her that that wasn't normal. Everyone in ponyville is dead except for the CMC and we can get you back to the land of the living.

Then we go to Princess Twilight and she says "Ugh. It's you." And Alfie profusely apologizes saying that if he knew that that would happen he would have just come here by himself and not to worry cuz the OG killer is no longer with us. He ascended. She casts a spell on her vocal cords to project her voice and tells everyone to head to the green portal on the hill.

On a very distant hill is a flash of lightning revealing a silhouette of something reptilian with six heads that is very familiar to Alfie.

It's a false hydra. The false hydra that they fought in the third session. Alfie tries to tell Twilight about it and she just says "what false hydra?"

Alfie splits up from the rest of the group to get Rainbow Dash who's currently looking for Scootaloo. After talking to Rainbow Dash and letting her know that scootaloo is okay, Bob appears by his side at which Alfie has a couple of questions, the first of which being how the heck he keeps appearing out of nowhere and that that's a bad idea to do to someone who has PTSD cuz that might get you stabbed and the second being "Why did you make a deal with me?"

"Because you reek of foreign magic and frankly I want to dissect you"

"Surprisingly, that's not the first time someone has said that to me. The dissection part that is."

"Really?" "Yep. Uhhhh see ya." And Alfie just books it to Fluttershy's cottage.

I am so hyped for the next session.

#dnd #dungeons and dragons #dungeons and dumbasses #my little pony #my little pony friendship is magic

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Dnd homebrew item:

The Nap Sack

The Nap Sack is a kind of mimic that forms a symbiotic relationship with its party.

It functions similarly to a bag of holding except the inside is safe for living entities to enter provided the mimic is aware of their existence and intentions or a if they have a positive relationship with the party.

The Nap Sack feeds primarily on dreams but occasionally needs to consume flesh. It can sense if someone is tired.

It also acts as a guard dog consuming those who try to steal it while the party is otherwise occupied and storing the intruders in an alternative stomach for digestion.

It can communicate to the party through their dreams mostly telling them when it requires physical sustenance or if it has eaten.

The Nap Sack is perfect for when a player is not able to join the session without being left behind.

#dnd homebrew #mimic

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The biggest question in the entire Equestria Girls franchise is how the heck did a school manage to get the funding to rent a stadium for two musical performances?

Was there a fundraiser?

Did the school board sign off on it?

Did the Dazzlings have to convince them to do that?

Who made the costumes? Was Rarity commissioned for it? Does Canterlot High have a theater department?

#my little pony #equestria girls #the dazzlings

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Dear diary,

Today I broke a child

In my class one of the teachers brought his son, our interaction during a demonstration was as follows

Damien: You're like what? 11?

Child: I'm 12.

Me: When I was your age I was 13

Child: *sounds of distress*

Damien: he can see the object boundaries

Child: YOU BROKE MY BRAIN.

Me: just put it in some rice you'll be fine.

Child: Why did you do this to me!?

He unlocked a core memory.

The child would walk by me and ask me not to break him again throughout the class.

He said he'd tell his sister and film her reaction and show me and traumatize his future children and grandchildren.

I would be an excellent chaos pibbling.

#class stuff

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i hate the new mobile set up