a-piece-of-me-out-there

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

November, 1 2020

There have been two frequent dreams I have been dreaming. I believe if I write them somewhere then I may be removed of these repitious dream cycles.

The first one is a beautiful mountain home on a mountain side. Somewhere you would need a 4x4 to get to but the house itself was so beautiful. A luxury wooden mountain home with enough room for all my family. I look out a window and I see the rest of the land & ocean below. I believe I dream this frequently because this is what I would like to accommodate my family with. A beautiful home where they wouldn’t have to worry.

The second dream is of my living on my own somewhere. It differentiates sometimes between a small city and just a town. Sometimes I live in an apartment in a small spread out city on a hill and that is what I saw so far. The second is a town, in a worse condition than the one I live in now, but I’m happy. I have friends, things to do and I’m confident in myself. I believe I dream this because all I want right now is to move away from my family and become my own person somewhere where nobody knows me or my family. I could start over and be who I want without worrying someone I know will see me in public.

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Tuesday, July 28 2020

So, a dream I’ve had for years had finally come true. I wished to be intimate with this one friend. Throughout the years, I’ve maintained a crush on this friend while also being friends with him. We’ve been good friends. We would hang out sometimes, mostly to drink or do drugs but overall our friendship was good

Then last week, we got drunk. Alone. We’ve never been alone together when we drank. There was always another person there. But this time it was just us. I thought not much of it. Just two buds having a good ol drunken time. As the night progressed and the more alcohol we consumed, a certain subject was brought up. We had talked about this before but only for a few minutes. But we had a very in-depth conversation. The subject was his curiousity of the same sex. He had been curious what it was like to be with another man. I, a gay man, was of course intrigued by this. I’ve wanted to see this guy naked since we were younger. I wanted to see what would make him tick, what would it take for him to do things.

Then he began looking at me with interested and hinting at the fact that he wanted to stuff with me. I definitely noticed these but brushed them off as me being hopeful or just anxiety. But then we got in bed and got intimate. I was very excited and ready. We did a few things and then the sun came up. I had to work that morning so I just left him in bed while he slept.

That morning we talked a little bit about what happened but not too much.

Fast forward to now. I am very sad. Pretty upset. I thought it was because I had feelings for him, romantic ones. But a few days passed and I realized that was not the case. I was missing being held. Being intimate with a guy. I had not been that intimate with a guy in years. And it hurts my heart. I don’t miss him. I miss being in his arms. I don’t miss his dick. I miss sleeping with someone who was comfortable enough to be naked in front of me. I want to be comfortable enough in someone’s arms. And that’s what that was. And it’ll never happen again with him.

I don’t just want that from him specifically. I want it from someone I’m attracted to and want to get to know. I want it to be with someone other than a fucking hookup. I want to be loved. He gave me a taste of that even though we didn’t realize it and I ache for more.

I went into this experience not expecting much. I thought I was doing him a favor by giving him the experimentational experience for him. I was the first guy he’s been with. I didn’t think I would feel this way. Had I known, I probably wouldn’t have done it. Now I’m left with a home in my heart that’ll take a bit to close. I know I’ll be fine but for now I can’t speak to him normally. I hope this doesn’t ruin our friendship because he was a good friend to me.

I’m not sure how to deal with this aching heart but I know it won’t last forever.

His birthdays tomorrow. I hope he has fun.

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Sunday, March 8 2020

I really should update this every month. It’s so much to remember.

First of all, I’ve had a weird obsession with New York City for like 6 months now. It hasn’t gone away but it’s dialed down a lot. 

Second, my “best friend” kicked me out of my room cause she’s a bitch and I hate her so I had to move back into my mom’s.

Third, my real friend had a little episode. Rewind about 2 or 3 weeks back. I was at work and she was supposed to come in but she didn’t so I texted her just a little hey are you coming in lol kind of thing and a couple minutes passed before she called me bawling her eyes out saying she’s at the hospital saying to come get her so I leave work to go get her and turns out she was just super drunk with a .27 BAC and how she ended up in the hospital? The morning she was supposed to leave for work, she got fucking blasted on a bottle of Jack and passed out in her passenger seat of her car and the neighbor called 911 to make sure she’s okay. Suddenly she woke up and went onto her front porch and had a conversation with her neighbor that called 911 (she didn’t know they called) and she didn’t remember any of this and the police apparently said she made a suicide threat and bam hospital and yea. She didn’t remember anything up until she was getting in the ambulance. We know what happened cause a case worker called the PD and got the police report. Fast forward to the story present and I picked her up she’s fine we got starbucks and a pizza and a bottle of vodka for the way home and wow was that a night lol we took acid but blacked out from the bottle that we drank that night and haha it was fun. I’m so toxic for her but oh well. I gotta get mine. She’s sober now and that totally sucks for me but whatevs I’ll just drink with another friend. 

Fourth, I totally finessed my psychiatrist into thinking I have ADHD so I can get adderall but the bitch put me on ritalin first and shits whack i need my amphetamines and me next appointments not until a week and a half so I gotta stick with this for now which sucksssss but I figured out that snorting it is way better than taking it and swallowing it. I feel it way more and it’s closer to fckin adderall than ritalin itself.

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Monday, January 20, 2020

Life so far has been manageable. I haven’t been depressed at all since November which is incredible to me because I’ve been depressed for years. I’ve had moments of discouragement and uneasiness but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t get past. Life seems to be becoming an uphill battle now. I mean, it’s always been a struggle but the past few months, it’s just been a nice hill. Now the reality seems to settling in or something or maybe I’m snapping out of some sort of illusion of happiness. I don’t really know but I’m not as happy as I was. I’m not really sure what to do about it.

I’ve been going therapy for PTSD from somethings in my life. I didn’t really know I had PTSD until I went in and they evaluated me. I didn’t know how much these things affected my life and how I’ve kind of formed my life around it so I could cope with it. It’s a lot to process and for some things I don’t even know where to begin to change. I don’t know.

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Tuesday, December 17 2019

A lot has happened since I wrote last. I don’t remember if I mentioned this but back in early October I took 3 substances and blacked out. During this blackout, I harmed myself and traumatized my friend/roommate. I mentioned in my previous posts that we were angry with each other; we didn’t speak to each other until November. She told me all the stuff I did when I blacked out and the fact that I didn’t remember any of that happening scared me. 

But in early November was when I started being happy. It was like a switch had gone off and my depression was gone. I can’t really explain it but I was just so happy about life and myself. I began to think of where I would go next in life. Trade school? College? I began praising myself for how handsome I am and how well I dressed and I didn’t have any negative thoughts about myself. I had confidence. Then I planned future vacations, I drew a storyboard kind of deal in my notebook with cinematic shots of what I loved, I budgeted my finances, and cleaned a lot. It was the strangest thing. I was thinking bipolar but probably not because I had taken those drugs and had that mishap the month before. I’m thinking this is my brain balancing itself back around, making sure there is plenty of happy brain chemicals so I won’t have to take drugs that make me depressed so I don’t kill myself. It’s currently December and I’m still generally happy. I get discouraged here and there but not to the extent it was before.

I started going to therapy again last week. I saw a therapist and she diagnosed me with PTSD, not something I’d thought I knew I had but welp. A psychiatrist prescribed me Seroquel because he thinks I may have Bipolar II but I don’t know. 

My job is stressful right now. I’m too awkward and say the wrong things and we are shooting Santa photos which is scary cause I can’t make a fucking baby laugh I’m just as scared as the baby so I prefer to stay in the back and just try and sell the photos instead of being behind the camera. 

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Sunday, October 27

I am so fucking affectionate I want to tell my friends I love them so much but I tell them so much I’m worried that it annoys them so I have to hold back so many I love yous and it physically hurts my heart

I want to say so many ni e things to literally anyone and I have absolutely nobody to tell them to. Everyone I do tell them to either say thanks or are wielded out by me and it’s an awful feeling and it makes me so fucking sad that I have nobody to say these nice things to I really want to cry but I don’t

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Friday, October 11 2019

I got my old job back. The day after I called my old boss, she told me to meet up with her at my old workplace. I anxiously agreed. The day of, I couldn’t sleep. I was up very early that day and i couldn’t go back to sleep so I stayed up watching Netflix. I took a Xanax before meeting with her because I was worried she would chew me out for old stuff I did that she just now learned of. But no, I met with her and we were both happy to see each other. She gladly gave me my job back and even asked me if I wanted to work that day (we met in the morning just after opening). On Xanax and no plans for that day, I agreed to work. It was nostalgic. I had to remember how to do everything again but that was easy. I saw some of my old coworkers and most of them hugged me when they saw me. I was very happy to be back.

That day, my roommate texted me telling me to move out cause I didn’t clean the toilet (lol). I was tempted to tell her to fuck off but I didn’t. I was planning on cleaning the toilet anyway but she texted me in a very bitchy tone so I didn’t clean the toilet. I would’ve done it anyway if she wasn’t a bitch about it. We haven’t spoken to each other since which is hilarious.

Anyway, I’ve worked a couple of days with the old coworker in my other post. Seeing her was nice. We’re back at it like old times and told me she missed having me around cause I was closer to her age group. It’s good to be working with her because I’m trying not to be so fucking emotional around her like I’ve been. I love her so much she’s such a great friend but I literally have to resist the urge to tell her how much I appreaciate her every half hour of the day. That would get annoying to someone after working with me for a while.

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

I want to do drugs so fucking bad. I love how they make you feel but hurt in the long run.

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Monday, October 7 2019

Today I did what I thought I couldn’t. I quit my new job and stepped in a direction where I think it’ll lead me to a place better, mentally. I didn’t want to quit this job, it was actually kind of nice. The added stress of a new job just made it so I couldn’t do my job at all. Then right after I quit, I called up my old boss, asked for my job back. She didn’t pick up but she never picks up her phone. I left her a message saying what I needed to say: That I’m sorry for my past behavior, I’m getting the help that I need (lie), and if they needed help then to just ring me back. It’s been about an hour since I called but I can’t stop staring at my phone waiting for her to call back. I can already imagine her saying “We’d love to have you back” or “I’m sorry but all our positions are filled”. Either way it’s nice to hear from her. I wasn’t the kindest to her when I left but I do regret it. 

Now that I don’t have a job, I was thinking of taking the week off. It’s something I really need. A break from reality. My reality. I’m going to stay with someone else this week. Granted it’s not much of a change but at least it’s something. I need to de-stress. 

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Sunday, October 6 2019

I’ve been so fucking depressed. The other night I cut myself for the first time in years and they were deep. I don’t even really remember it. Now today I’m too depressed to leave my room thinking about way go kill myself. There’s no good way to do it. None that will land me in the morgue.

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Saturday, October 5 2019

Man do I love drugs.

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Saturday, October 5, 2019

I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I think I’m emotionally breaking down. The last day I worked was Wednesday but got sent home early because I broke down and started crying out of nowhere. Then the next two nights I took tramadol and Xanax together and man that’s a great feeling. But last night I mixed in alcohol because I just feeling extra depressed that day and it happened to be available. So after I downed about 4 shots, I took 300 mg of tramadol and 2 mg of Xanax. I don’t really remember what happened after that. I must have been an emotional wreck because I cut myself for the first time in years. I don’t really remember why I wa s so upset. And these are the deepest cuts I’ve ever given myself. Mixing drugs is dangerous. I don’t know how I’m going to cover these there’s kind of a lot and deep

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Monday, September 30 2019

This loneliness is really getting to me. I keep having dreams of just cuddling with someone. It’s not even sexual it’s just us two in bed enjoying each other’s existence. It wouldnt bug me as much if I didn’t keep having these dreams constantly.

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Thursday, September 26 2019

A bit has happened since the last time I posted on here. The first thing being driven to quit my job. I was at the same job for 2 years. I know it isn’t very much time at all but it felt like an eternity to me. I started the job 2 years ago happy, energetic, and excited to learn. This year was completely different. The job I was at was so unique there is literally nothing like it on this earth. The job lost its novelty when I realized that nothing was changing. I was doing the same exact thing I was doing 2 years ago. This idea bored me to death. I was so fed up with the same routine after so long that my co-workers were the only thing holding me to there. They were my rock. But that rock crumbled. I was visibly and audibly annoyed with my job. I couldn’t help but express my frustration. Then my co-workers stopped being enjoyable. One co-worker in particular, I’ll call her Dana, was literally just like me. She was just like me in many many ways. She was hilarious, she pointed out to me things I’ve never noticed before, and she just made me feel like I was understood. The only major differences were our genders and she’s a couple years older than me. We were always on the same plane of existence at work. She was mostly the reason my job was so enjoyable. We would drink together, smoke together, laugh and dance together. There was never a dull moment with her. But I honestly think my misery at that job was what drew her away. That job almost drew me to the point of suicide. But she didn’t know that. I didn’t want to tell her that because I knew she would just think I was avoiding responsibility of being punctual at work. Her visible frustration with me was the last straw, because she was my rock. I quit that job and we haven’t spoken since.Well, actually I tried to reach out but I guess the timing wasn’t right. She wasn’t available. She has yet to make the effort to reach out to me. It’s really heartbreaking because I thought I finally found someone who understood me. It wasn’t even a romantic relationship, that’s what was so great about it. I loved her so much as my friend I would do anything for her. Anything but continue to put myself through that daily routine of hell. I’ve been meaning to share this with anyone in my life but no one will sit through this so I came to the computer. 

Another thing that happened was me moving into my best friend’s house. We’ve had some tough times and complicated feelings towards each other in the past but in the end, we’re there when we need each other. I live in her and her parent’s house, so her parents still live here but they’re renting out a room to me for cheap. It’s been good having my own room again, especially as I’m getting older. Plus, my best friend is just down the hall if I ever need her. It’s only been a couple months since I moved in but it’s been all good between us. The only real problem is her parents. They are probably some of the most negative people I’ve met. All I hear from the living room and kitchen is them complaining. Complaining about my best friend, about their day, about the neighbors, their living conditions, and everything else. I know I shouldn’t be complaining while they’re giving me a roof over my head but still, it’s just annoying hearing constant complains. I never hear them talk about things they like. 

#confession #mytruth

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Wednesday, April 10 2019

I’m so fucking lonely. I can’t tell anyone what I’m really feeling, because I myself can’t even accept what’s going on. I ran out of my antidepressants because I was out of refills in the pharmacy. All I had to do was call my doctor to call in a new prescription. But for some reason.... I haven’t. I don’t know why. I want the meds because they were doing me good. They helped me suppress my bad emotions and helped control them. But I don’t know why I haven’t called. I’ve been feeling much more lonely since. Suicidal thoughts are looming. I sleep by my hunting knife every night. I’ve found the major arteries in the arms. All I have to do is sit in the tub and do the job. I’m thinking about it. I feel like I’m sinking in the depression. And there’s nobody I can talk to about it. I can talk about my feelings but not about whats actually bothering me. I don’t know what to do.

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Saturday, January 19 2019

I’m so fucking disgusting that nobody will ever love someone like me. I’m gross nobody will ever want to touch me again. I’m so disgusting nobody will ever love me. Loving someone like me is only a setup for failure. Why would you want to be with someone so horrendous. There is nothing about me that I like. Nobody will ever love me.

[a-piece-of-me-out-there]

Thursday, August 2

One of my biggest pet peeves about myself are my gay mannerisms. I am a gay male. And I hate it. I hate the way my voice sounds I hate the way I stand and I hate the way I present myself. All these gay mannerisms are way annoy me about other gay men. I would not date a flamboyantly gay man. I noticed the little gay details about my actions and I absolutely hate it. I need to work on changing that to seem more straight.