albiesays

[albiesays]

The half of it

I think the greatest disadvantage of being a boy in a brown household is that you can set the world on fire from all edges but you cannot hug your dad and tell him you love him. And when you're standing at his grave, you'd literally give anything for them to wake up once so you can tell him that you love him and miss him, and that the world hasn't been the same after him. The greatest regret of always holding it back, accompanied by the greatest wish for him to wake up, losing to the greatest helplessness of knowing that I won't even meet him after my death because I won't make it to heaven where he is.

#dad

[albiesays]

The father of badluck

so, apparently, I helped one apply for an ERASMUS MUNDUS scholarship for food technology while i applied for biomedical engineering. He gets selected, and I get rejected. Not the first time the universe has given me a middle finger. Then why shouldn’t I show middle finger too?  I have always watched people who study from me score more, get more, Qaiser is in UK, Sasha in Australia, Kamil Mansoor all sucking joy in Australia, Canada while I rot in here. Come on, sometimes i wish i was a loser for one day, because being it everyday is hard....

[albiesays]

She burned and burned and turned into a star

She was my best friend, my old friend, and she was the color of my blood. And it was a night of terror, a hermetic night when wolves, too, were fighting for the air and struggling to breathe. But somewhere between the restlessness of a malice and the crying of the living, something woke him up, the smell of amber. The seraphic inspiration made him fly to find the source of amber. Roaming in the land where trees had no leaves, he saw skulls with shallow eyes looking at him. As he walked through the valley of the shadow and death, he found his parts someplace else. Those crying voices saw him as if his hands seemed to doubt the existence of things, never to touch it, never to keep either. He walked with shadows in the heart of the dying land, the smell of amber disappeared, so did his hopes of life. His soul seemed to be leaving his body little by little, the dying skulls told him that they had never seen amber in this land. The echoes of the crying wolves froze inside of him. He hugged an old tree to embrace his last, then the proximity of dawn appeared at a site which seemed to have come from two eternities beyond. The old tree sprouted two Valkyries and he was flown towards the edge of the other world. At the end of the destination was she, standing there, drinking a glass of amber from the curved horns of an angel. There she was, wrapped in silk, so devious yet so definitive. There she was, so peaceful, so majestic. The breeze flying her hair across her face, caressing her hair as gently as lovers’ hands. The silk robe against her body, the curve of her breasts, the charismatic glow of her cheeks and arms, there she was, standing with a beauty that had no past. There she was, standing in the league of angels, and there he was, every step getting closer. He touched her…. Just the tips of his fingers, just the tips of his fingers. When his hands seemed to have forgotten the existence of things and touch, he touched her face, her arms and he knew what touching an angel feels like, how feeling a star under the hands would feel like. She always multiplied his love, did the same this time too. She hugged him for his touch on her, and she hugged him so tight that the tenderness of her breasts felt like a bulge of ribbon against his heart. “Hello, Old Friend. I still get to call you Bezz, right?” he heard her say. “Call me anything” he heard himself say. “I was looking for you in the wrong place before, stars don’t reside in a dying land”. “Would you please shut up and let me hug you for a while” she told him with a zeal which was unknown to him. These moments were so close that they could hear each other’s thoughts. The peace was broken by his cries when he wet her aphrodisiac shoulders with his tears, “I miss you, why did you have to leave? Dad left, She left too, why you left too? Why I didn’t die along as well”. The best friend hugged the other best friend, gave him a kiss on the softer earlobe and whispered life in him, “because you are so well equipped for life, which is abnormal, but isn’t it who you are, Bezz? The odd duck, the abnormal, the outrageous, the excellent and extraordinary? You are … because you are”

I woke up, my eyes as wet as they were in the dream, still feeling the smell of amber around me. I know you’re watching me from the empty skies, and I miss you, and I miss you tons. I wish we had this hug in our life, I wish we had it at least once. You’re lying under stranger’s land, I don’t have your grave, but I have your undying love, friendship, memories, and things I can’t even name. I love you Isha, I miss you and, in another life, in another dimension out beyond the limits of space and time, I will see you again. I will see you again.

~ Love 801 names

(I couldn’t just end it with one name like Bezz, albie and all, because you summed in all in one once i.e. “801 names” )

[albiesays]

Everything I have ever said about your calendar is true

Everything between us has always been about who you are... and what you want... and when you want...  You say yes to plans.. we execute it.. you say we do it this way it fucking goes this way..  you’re here when your calendar allows you to... we together when your calendar allows you to... I could be mourning a departed soul and want some comfort in your arms but you’re out taking tours of dead fucking museums and will be back when your calendar allows you to... we have to arrange discussion about something which is yours and not even mine and we discuss when your calendar allows you to... I could be dying on the road and calling your ugly ass but you’ll notice and not even call back but text when your calendar allows you to... im soooo fucking done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes im Done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[albiesays]

Wanna hear a truth about you?

You have a stigma that you think your job is only to receive....  You think you’ve been through too much and now you just deserve to receive and not give anything .. a receiver only who refuses to give a bit of what you fucking receive in all days.... This stigma has turned you sooo fucking cold that you dont even realize that somedays, the partner needs it.. so you should give love to him... love that he drained out of himself to fill your selfish vessel... love that we all fucking deserve.. but what you do is crawl out taking a safe way out of the mess and wait for things to become normal?? what the fuck?? and then you slide right back in when things get settled naturally?? that the right way??? “people love together when it suits them.... they’re loyal when it suits them... they love each other when it suits them.. and they kill each other when it suits them”

[albiesays]

True worst kind of despair is when it feels like all hope is lost. Even the tiny fucking bits of hope have vanished too. When you're constantly in state of falling in a dark pit, and never reaching it's fucking bottom. When tears are rushing out of the corners of the eyes despite your fucking worthless efforts to hold them back. When you feel like going out in open and scream for hours like a lunatic. When it feels like wanting to scream loud enough to deafen the thunder within you. When you feel like you're just an apostrophe, just a fucking symbol to remind that there's more to see....

How much more? For how long??

[albiesays]

"it hasn't been easy for you, has it". "Why would you imply such thing"

"BECAUSE THE EYES OF AN OPTIMIST HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP, I CAN FEEL IT"

Old friend, early and mid twenties are the years of sheer storms in men's lives. It feels like you only have 4-5 years and you have to achieve as much as you can within these years, the deadline is coming close and you'll be a failure for a lifetime if you don't capitalize this. Your age fellow girls are getting married, boys are settling abroad, starting their own businesses, studying, while your career is just started. Elders treat you like unproven theorems. You're too old to be in teenagers and younger groups and to young to be sitting at the table with elders.

You're no longer invited to play cricket and football on weekends, you have to finance everything yourself without any help. Every aunty asks you about girl and marriage and every uncle asks you "Have you thought about your career or still wasting time". You're friends are leaving you, hating you, conspiring against you and all you can do is stare blankly. Friends think you're chasing girls, girls think you're s simp. Your insecurities are eating you alive and half part of you is already consumed by the stranger tides of time.

You have the confidence of all the world but little achievements to show, you already have first hand experience of life, you come to realise whatever you've been taught in school is complete and utter waste of time. You can be denied jobs after good interviews and you can be granted jobs after bad interviews, politics which used to seem a dirty game to you is now being seen everywhere.

You even come to know that Love is not that blind either, and neither is friendship, and that love and friendships have their own "terms and conditions". You realise that your words and actions are misinterpreted according to someone else's dictionary and not according to how or why you actually did what you did, and you stand a zero chance of clarifying because no one believes you. You get to realise the difference between friends and acquaintances when you fucking smell jealousy and envy in greetings of fuckers you used to call "friend".

You know that there's nothing for granted and free lunches are not free. You stop receiving money from home and father as soon as your career starts even if you're underpaid. They don't even realise that it's not always about money, it's about the feeling it's about the vibe. You're too shy and hesitant to ask them money even in hour of need.

You who used to be overconfident is now getting transformed into humble conscious.

[albiesays]

And sometimes....

She lifts her mesmerising eyes up to the skies above....wondering .......

Wondering if someone's staring back at her from the above..

[albiesays]

How do you forgive yourself for all the things you didn't do?

#depressing post #lost emotions #anxitey

[albiesays]

I haven't been happy in ages....

I wanna be happy... Why is it so fucking hard to be happy for likes of me... To find the least of it is like scouring volcanic ash that burns your souls alonghwith your body

[albiesays]

"you're miserable, Bezz. You spent your whole life trying to find the answers, because you believe that the next answer will change something, maybe make you little less miserable.. sometimes you find the answers, other times you don't, and you know that when you run out of answers, you don't just run out of answers you run out of hope.. and when you find answers, life becomes messier than before.."

[albiesays]

So, it was a cold evening after first year she completed in Turkey and came back home... She always dressed the best... She dresses most beautifully of all women and if i could award one person for dressing nice, i would chose her for how simple yet classy she looks.... Her red hair were widely spread around right shoulder.. with one foot on the bench, the other on the ground as she was talking to me... For a moment i was perplexed so as to watch the beauty of her hair as their redness whines in the chrome yellow shade of sunset or to watch the dying sun behind them.. it was the moments in between the gossiping winds when she said something that has been running wildly in my mind.... How wise she was.... I, now, know...

"You spread misery because you cannot feel anything else..... no amount of love, care, friendship affection can get past the cold walls of your being.... And you're incapable of keeping a relationship of any kind... Love, family, friends... This is why no one likes you no one stays with you... And you make jokes and hid behind sarcasm because you're too afraid to take anything seriously... Bcz when you take things seriously, they matter... And you just don't want things to matter because you convince yourself you're better off that way... And i have enabled it... I have covered you looked out for you protected you.... But you are miserable..... And soon I'll be gone... But you'll still be miserable".....

The only thing i have to say to you, darling, is

Couldn't agree more now

[albiesays]

Yes..... I self-harm most often

I cut myself, i bleed i fight i strike i get struck...

It is my esacpe and i am not ashamed of it.. i feel less stressed and anxious when i fucking bleed... Emotional pain slowly slips away in physical pain..

This is way of feeling control over my body because i cannot control anything else in life

There has always been a black hole in everything i do or have, when i feel pain, the pit in my stomach tells me it's better to feel pain than to feel nothing

That fight club i had.... Damn oh damn...

That physical pain, at least, put a punctuation on what i feel inside... so yeah.... I cut myself... Sometimes to see how much it bleeds... Sometimes to punctuate my inner...

And these dark circles under my eyes.... They sink deeper into my fucking skull, in contrast to my pale skin there's an undeniable resemblance to a fresh corpse....

I should have died on the mountains, laying alone with broken fingers with wolves and bears around.... Or i should have died on the mountain by drinking water poisoned by the one i cared for and loved the most... Or under the effect of a bus collision somewhere along the journey... I should have been there.... And sometimes i wonder why? To what end?? You think death is a fate far better than life?? What if it's not? What if it's fucking not??

[albiesays]

"It's hard to see with so many around

You know......I don't like being stuck in the crowd

And the streets don't change but maybe the names

Life asks to walk through the flames"

"A little more patience"

"A little more courage"

[albiesays]

Walking upon the barren land........Holding hand of my old friend........People watching but not looking right... We saw wolves with no eyes... Those flowers were fresh... But gave burned smell.... As we were walking closer the well.... Her body was wrapped in silk.... She gave me ale of Valhalla to drink... The moment her lips met mine... The dark spots started to shine.... And this is the magic of what we have.... Listen to me, my old friend...

I was in a dark world before... Then you came along... And brought love... Love i never thought i deserve..... How you changed everything of me.. how i used to think the world is full of junk... Meaningless ugly broken things... But You, my love.... With you, every shape, every colour... Texture.. smell... They all tell stories.... And that's worth treasuring.... You're worth treasuring... You are beautiful.... And you are mine

[albiesays]

Disappointments... Failures... Dejections... Rejections... loneliness... Bad bad temperament... Struggle with addiction... Anger control issues... Bad self control... Increasing tachycardia... Dying hopes... Expectations that won't ever come true... Future anxieties... Present series of failures... And the darn past that never leaves...

"dark circles around my eyes are not just the lack of sleep......."

And somedays i, too, wish i was a loser for one day...

Because being it everyday is hard...

[albiesays]

te quero mi amor... and I wasn’t kidding

Tú

Tú eres cielo,

tierra y mar.

Tú eres fuego

y también libertad.

Tú eres aire,

luz y paz.

Tú eres ternura

y también sinceridad.

Tú eres mundo,

simpleza e inmensidad.

Tú eres infinito

y también eternidad.

Tú eres armonía,

valentía y seguridad.

Tú eres vida...

y mucho más.