allsystemsarenotgo

[allsystemsarenotgo]

Worried Sick

I wish I weren't.

I wish this was just another bad dream.

But it's not.

Somewhere, out in the world of life, there is a pair of wild teenagers doing their own thing.

They probably don't think about their mums crying.

They probably don't think about their friends missing them.

They probably don't think about the ramifications of their choices.

One can only hope that they are somewhere in a hotel room, hot boxing themselves to oblivion with a room of pot.

I don't want to think of the bad things.

I don't want to think about what could be happening. What is capable of happening.

But my mind goes directly to a childhood friend of mine.

She was a normal girl from rural Oklahoma.

I til the day she almost died.

He kidnapped her. He raped her. He violated her. And he broke her skull against a brick wall until she was lifeless. He was a family friend.

Somehow she lived. Never the same again, but she lived.

I was the only person outside the family who knew.

I lost touch with her some years ago. Reached out at times to her sister. Never got a response. I fear that survivor's guilt won over her, but I surely hope it didn't.

But as 2 teenagers galavant the world.....it's all I can think about ...all that I can worry.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

One of my dreams as a child/teen

One of my dreams as a child and teen were that no other youth would have to go through the pain I'd been through. I knew so many friends who were set up for failure by their parents or guided into failure by peer pressure. My hope life wasn't exactly the greatest at times.

One of my dreams growing up was that I would be successful in life and be able to open up some kind of program like the Big Brother-Big Sister organization, but with better outreach and safeguards.

I wanted kids with absentee parents to know what being loved felt like. I wanted kids with addiction issues to be able to get the help the needed, not just for the short term, but for the long term as well. I wanted kids that were having sex to be supported rather then punished, to prevent STD amd teen pregnancy safely through actual education and support rather than having the word 'abstinence' written on every surface in front of their face.

I wanted to be kind of a counselor - a person that could relate to the troubles encountered by the younger generation.

When I went through my struggles, having somebody that I could talk to always helped - somebody not in the family unit, who could see things objectively from the complete outside, without bias. For a long time, it was a counselor that I met at a church retreat near Carthage, Missouri as well as my youth pastor at church. Afterwards, it was a hobby friend who is a nurse.

Of course I've always had my group of 'private peers' , a close group of 7 or 8 or 9 friends (depending on the time and mood) , that I have vented and opened up to. But so many times they did not understand well because they did not have experience with my background - even my peer group could not understand the things they saw going on with their friend.

When I failed academically, I failed in my goal.

But the love for today's suffering youth is still there. And I still want to help each that I come across, to prevent following in any of my footsteps of failure.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."

"And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much *you* love; but by how much you are loved by others."

[allsystemsarenotgo]

Things I wish I could tell you

I wish I could tell you

That things will get better.

I wish I could tell you

That time moves so fast.

I wish I could tell you

That I know your pain.

I wish I could tell you

To listen when I say:

I was your age once. I was the loner at the lunch table. I was the guy that everybody called wierd and gay. I was the guy that got kicked in the nuts in the locker room for PE. I was the guy that lived in forever anxiety, waiting to get pantsed or kicked or bullied. I was the loner.

I was the guy whose dad worked long hours and was rarely home. When he was home, there was constant yelling. I hid in my room, drowning out loud voices and sounds of breaking glass with music. Sometimes my feelings came out by pencil, sometimes by blood.

I was the guy that had to hide all the hard secrets inside, because I didn't want to end up in foster care and both my parents in jail.

I was the guy that had to walk home because his mum would get high and sleep the day away, forgetting I was still standing at the parent pickup line.

I put trust in the right peers, and they became my best friends for a long time. It did not fix everything, but it made so many things bearable.

My freshman year of college, I was so overwhelmed that I locked myself in my dorm room for a week. The RA had to use their master key to do a welfare check because I had isolated myself too well. That is when I went into counseling the first time.

I had my first 2 girlfriends during my sophomore year of college. Neither relationship lasted long. I was still a recovering mess looking for love in the wrong places. I was looking for comfort and stability and caused pain and anguish instead.

It was a few years later that I lost a best friend and went to the medicine cabinet late at night. I told a friend what I was doing and how lonely I felt, the next thing I knew the police were breaking in the front door at 3AM and scaring the shit out of my parents. I went into counseling again.

I never will wish that upon anyone. Not even enemies deserve what happened that night.

It has been 10 years since then. It's been anything but smooth. But I have learned to surround myself with the right peers and support group. I am not perfect. Nobody is perfect. But I am so much better than I used to be.

And I found the right love on the charm of the third try. We've been together for 2 years now.

I know what it is like to not feel okay. And one of my missions is to make sure that nobody that walks into my life ever has to live the life that I did. Not on my watch.

It may be a fatal flaw. But I would still prefer tear myself down to build another up, rather than watch them collapse into the nothingness I once saught so much.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

Uncle

I was called this for the first time this weekend.

It didn't feel quite right. I'm not an uncle.

But it was said again and again.

These two kids have claimed me uncle.

They did not know me before Friday Night. Yet, after less than 72 hours, they adopted me as their uncle, I adopted them as my niece and nephew, and they were sad when I had to go away to come home from my girlfriend's house.

And yet for all the youth I have mentored over the years, this feels the most right.

Being able to understand feelings, emotions, and unspoken things.

I know I cannot be the parent. I am not the parent. But I so badly want to be the parent. To have the authority to say 'yes' and 'no' and 'that is enough'. But that is also so, so far from who I am.

I saw myself in a mirror this weekend. Not the glass kind of mirror; The human kind of mirror.

The kind that makes me want to change myself, so I can be the change I want to see in others.

There is more to the world than what we see through the 3x5 inch portal in our hands, and it is easy to get lost in the portal and forget so many things exist in real life.

Being a technology worker, I get to see entirely too much of both sides of the conversation. Our phones augment our life in so many ways for the better, but they also can detract in so many ways for the worse.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

Have you ever cried in a dream, only to wake up and find out you were crying IRL too?

I've been progressively suppressing feelings from the inside and they boiled over tonight, I guess. A scene played out in my dream and I started crying...and when I woke up, I found my cheeks wet and my heart hurting as it did in the dream.

The character/face was incorrect, the overally presence was incorrect, but the feelings were 100% valid.

.

The bottom line is that I wasn't invited to a friend's wedding. I don't know that I would have been able to go (weekday wedding), but the mere fact that I wasn't even invited is what hurts me the most.

I know why it happened. I just don't know /why/. Her now-husband hates me for unforgiven reasons, and that trumped the friendship that she and I have/has/will-have-had.

It makes me feel exiled and amplifies the loneliness that already manifests within me.

So here I am in a dream on a porch swing, sitting there Forest Gump-like, moping like a lonely nerd of damaged goods and trying to piece together the bravery to confront her about how much that one simple thing hurt.

And upon sending a text, somehow the scene morphs into a small world, and her party/house is within earshot, allthemore enforcing the feeling of exile. And a reply text shows up, "Give me a moment."

Suddenly up and over the hill comes said wedding party, emotionally probably a Pity party to my hurting and dreaming brain, as if trying to apologetically include me.

And the scene morphs again.

And now it's a different friend. No wedding party, no music, no noise. Just this friend walking up and sitting on the porch swing with me. But it's the voice and projection of the original friend, just the wrong face. And she says "I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't have much of a choice, but I didn't know you'd feel this way from it." I reply between tears "I wish I could convey to you the level of loneliness within me, how much I cherish my friends, and how much being exiled hurts."

The dream fades away. I wake up. I reach up and feel that my eye sockets are wet, my nose plugged up, and my chest aches with that same lonely angst. This wasn't just another dream. I emotionally responded in real life too.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Perhaps un-ironically, the two people in the dream were the same as in my previous post, J and M. I don't know if they truly understand how much importance and friendship value my brain has thrust upon them. Not sure if they ever will. Not sure that it's even fair to them. But none the less, it is there.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

What is the measurement of success and failure?

Friday night, I watched a dear friend graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Electrical Engineering and dual minors in Maths and Computer Science in four years.

Something I long dreamed of doing in high school. I wanted to go into Mechanical Engineering. That's what my grandfather had done and partial of what my father did.

But when I got to college, despite being an A/B student in high school, I was woefully unprepared. I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't academically pass even the basic classes.

There was a point in my second semester of freshman year that I locked myself in my dorm room for a solid week, just stuck in a very deep depression. My peer counselor had to use her master key to do a welfare check on me, and take me to the on-campus counseling center.

And it got bad enough after four semesters that my GPA hit a point that I had to change majors. So I changed from mechanical to computer science. I passed the basic classes there without issue - and one of them I was told to shut up and stop answering questions because I already knew the material but had to take the class just to have the credit on my transcript. I even had no issues with the couple of 3,000 and 4000 level courses I took in the program, but then ran into hurdles in the later classes. But there was just one specific professor that did not like me, I'm not even sure he liked anybody, and just really tried to make my life miserable. Two semesters I took his class trying to get a passing credit and failed to do so; I took the class as a condensed summer with a different professor and got through it with no problem and a high B. But the damage had been done.

I was expulsed from the engineering department as a whole after my 8th semester on campus (10 semesters counting two summers).

I ended up graduating with a bachelor's in University Studies after another 6 semesters (4 full and 2 summer). Where I went, it was basically their fast track program to get out of the college, allowing me to count three minors worth of accreditation towards a generic bachelor's. Considering I had accrued enough hours that would otherwise count for a master's degree, it was all the more depressing too have a generic bachelor's that wouldn't really mean much in life.

Does that mean I was an academic failure?

I've never been much of a social bug, but many of the friends that I made over those 6 years for the only friends I had in life. The only social life I knew was the one with other students.

It wasn't much longer than a year after I graduated that I no longer had most of those friends, and in subsequent years that number dropped more and more.

These days I only have one friend I still talk to from college, but we haven't gotten together in a few years. He is a high level executive at a firearms company now while raising two daughters on his own after their mother relinquished her rights.

My social bubble has only minutely increased since then. The title of "Best Friend" has bounced from person to person as they painfully came and went. My social bubble at this point only consists of the girlfriend on a weekendly basis and K and D (whom I just saw last week for the first time in months but text daily).

I text J and M at least once a week, sometimes daily. But I just saw J for the first time in at least a year as she walked for college graduation, and I have only seen M once (last year) in the last decade.

But outside of Facebook, that's my social/conversation bubble.

Does that mean I am a social failure?

I've never held a "good" job; I'm always lived more or less paycheck to paycheck. The "extra" things I've accrued in life have generally been purchased with my savings account of my mum's inheritance. I've spent 75% of what I inherited in the few years since she passed; granted a chunk of that was eliminating my student loans.

Does that mean I am an employment and/or financial failure?

What is the measurement in success and failure? I feel like so much of a failure when I am surrounded by "more" successful people.

I feel like there are some things, like my friend's graduation, where I had small contributions and share a bit in the success-by-proxy. Is that wrong?

It's hard not to be mad at myself about things of the past. When it comes to "What would you tell a younger self?"... So many things.

Reflecting back on the progression of J and our friendship, it just doesn't make me feel good about myself. During the ceremony, a student spoke about how she is a first generation college student/graduate from an immigrant family, and all the effort that was required for success.

Seeing people go and do and complete the things that I wished I could do but didn't...it hurts the self-esteem.

There are so many things I wish I could time travel and fix so that I could be a better me.

But I can't. I'm just another random bloke with a meaningless degree that can't get any jobs that my knowledge could otherwise maybe get me into...or that I could have gotten myself if I would have been better at university.

Yay for those that can apply themselves and be successful.

Depression for those that have failed in life.

🙋‍♂️

[allsystemsarenotgo]

What is worse than being unwanted?

It's been pointed out to me that I'm generally incapable of existing outside of myself in a way found satisfactory by others. That my lack of existence can make others' lives better.

That I'm not wanted or desired anymore.

That every time I think I am making progress at myself or understanding others or trying to accept other people way of life or thinking, I take steps backwards.

Time after time after time after time I lose friends, I get told to piss off. I try and I try and I still get nowhere. So why even try?

I hate not knowing what I have done wrong.

I hate not knowing what I could have done better.

I hate that others don't understand how I feel.

I hate that I don't understand how others feel.

I hate that I am so different.

I hate that I am so worthless. That I have no value. That I'm hardly recognized. Ever. That I give myself over and over. I donate myself to others.

It's like I don't even matter. Nobody cares. Nobody thinks of the things I give up.

They just take advantage of me when and where they are. And for the most part, I let them. I expect something in return.

Something never comes.

Something becomes nothing.

What is worse than being unwanted?

The door hitting me in the ass on my way out.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

A lonely willow in a broken forest; an arborist with a recipricating saw; the wallows of a rabbit hole

I hit a breaking point today.

I hit that point several times.

Survival today was simply that - survival. The world won today.

I snapped on my manager, and he understood why, but did not fix the problem.

The problem that has existed for months.

The problem that is the bain of existence.

What is a person worth?

What is a person worth as an employee?

What is a person worth as a customer?

What is a person worth as a friend?

What is a person worth?

Are they worth their debt? Are they worth their labour? Are they worth their intelligence?

I was talking to a sandwich artist at Subway today about life. He said he wants to retire one day, but doesn't think he'll ever be able to. Living is too expensive.

I was talking to a client that owns a small business about retirement and moving on. He doesn't know that he'll ever be able to sell the business and retire. Living is too expensive.

I look at my own bank accounts, and wonder if my dreams will ever happen. I lose money every day and get the monthly statements from New York to prove it.

I look at my direct deposits, and wonder how, when, and where has society chosen the value of stress and exhaustion?

Aside of sacrificing oneself in the military front lines, when did it become acceptable to trade impending death for pecuniary interest?

.

.

.

The willow weeps.

For, it does not know the will to continue on.

The arborist appears. It says that it will lighten the load on top and strengthen the roots below.

This appeases the weeping willow.

The arborist starts trimming. It promises that there will be support for the roots to hold the tree. It promises that lightening the load will make for a better life.

The tree trusted the arborist.

But the arborist trimmed and trimmed and trimmed. The tree grew skeptical as the trimming continued, but trusted the arborist still.

The arborist left.

Days drew on, and while the roots did support the tree better, the very thing which defined the tree no longer existed. The tree had no identity. It still wept, but no one could see it.

The tree had allowed itself to lose its own identity by trusting too much.

Some time later, the arborist returned. The tree complained about what the arborist had done, and the arborist replied "You may not like what I did, but you are not dead yet, for your roots still keep you alive".

The tree was confused. It did not know whether to trust the arborist's words.

But over time, the tree did re-grow stronger and gain its identity back.

The tree learned that sometimes trust brings pain, but that same trust can bring reward. Time healed the wounds.

The tree did not forget the pain that came with losing its identity, but it did forgive the arborist.

.

.

.

Why did Alice fall down the rabbit hole?

What made the rabbit so interesting?

So frequently, the rabbit is a disguise in the live re-enactment of the scene.

For inside the fir is not a rabbit, but a keyword or a phrase or a picture or a name.

And the rabbit hole be not a hole at all, but a portal to the brain.

Which is ironic, as the brain sees the rabbit go by, and follows it. And suddenly, the brain finds it at a wall of doors.

What happened?

The brain saw a trigger. That trigger brought a memory. That memory brought emotions.

Those emotions hide behind the wall of doors. But there is no potion or candy. Rather, there need not be any keys or tricks for the locks, for there are not even locks.

The doors open and close randomly, revealing the emotions and feelings behind them.

A simple rabbit. A simple anything. They manifest into this array of randomly and wildly appearing emotions and feelings. There is no control.

The only power is sleep. But even that is not powerful at times to stop the doors. Even when the power of sleep wins, it is easily defeated by another faux rabbit.

The cycle repeats. Sometimes viciously.

And even when the rabbit hole goes under the weeping willow, the thought comes forth.

When did impending death become valuable?

When did unconsciousness become so highly valuable that it is frequently saught but rarely found?

How did life transform so quickly from having a support group of friends, to a battle royale merely to be alive?

When did friendships lose their value so much that they are tossed into a rubbish can without so much as a second thought?

[allsystemsarenotgo]

The throws of friendships

I haven't written in a while.

I've wanted to at times. But I haven't.

I have a girlfriend now. Her name is Jessica.

We started dating in October.

I changed jobs this weekend.

Tonight, a friend that I was really close with at work told me that she no longer wants to be friends.

That broke my heart. I trusted this person. We talked about personal things. She helped me work through my world at times.

And now she wanted to throw all that away.

Friendships may not mean much to other people, but they mean the world to me.

When someone ceases a friendship, it feels like a slap on the face. Like all that effort put into trusting and confiding in that person has been wasted.

I think what hurts more is the psychological connection.

When two people break up, you usually know /what/ is wrong. You know what is wrong, why it is wrong, and it is easier to walk away than to fix it. And when it is done right, the two parties can remain friends.

When a person wants to no longer be a friend, it is one-sided. There is one person ready to carry on with life, while being completely ignorant of the other person's feelings. There is no rhyme or reason for why this person whom used to be important decided to leave an open cavity in the others' chest.

I have had many important people walk out of my life. Many times without explanation.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

I just had a dream that I was with several High School "friends" and they were including me in their playing and activities. That never happened; I was a social outcast that nobody wanted in their group.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

It makes me wonder if I still have no idea what love is. If I am still mentally a low teenager because I can't decipher my own thoughts and reactions or their meanings.

AS and I went out on a "driving around [city] date" and everything felt so right. We talked the whole time, learned about eachother's past, looked at landmarks. So many things we had in common.

AS and I went on a "date" at [place] because there was a live band playing. We cuddled alot in the golf cart, and at the end of the night she told me she wanted to kiss me because she loved me so passionately. She chose not to.

AS and I video chatted every night. Sometimes it was while I was in bed, sometimes it was in the shower (only collar bone up - G rated) because that was the only time that lined up for both of us.

My point being...I don't know how I "should" feel.

The reason I say that is because I have these balloons floating in my head, and they're trying to compare how I felt about JB and how I felt about AS. Because they are two so strikingly different situations.

The 'caring' feels like it is she same.

The 'physio-psychological' aspect seems similar. When I gave JB a massage & when AS and I cuddled.

The 'optical-psychological' is different though. JB and I didn't video chat because it wasn't necessary or ideal for the situation. The few times I did get to "see" or call her to help with homework, it did make me happy & illicit some emotional feelings that I had to set aside. But when AS and I talked, those emotional feelings weren't there. The first time I put my Bluetooth on and called her in the shower, she didn't even realize what was going on because I was so relaxed and just conversing as normal, as if it were any other "normal location, normally clothed" conversation.

I don't like throwing the word 'convenience' around because of the negative connotation.

But I don't know if I loved AS out of emotional love, or if I loved her out of lonely convenience, or or if it was a badly one-sided relationship and I didn't love her at all.

Where-as I managed to catch feelings for JB, did actions out of pure love (like showing up at her dorm after she blocked me..., Sending her things for Christmas) and had to work my way through those feelings, and had full break-up depression after/during the resolution phase. And while I am upset about the situation between AS and I, I'm more mad/disgusted than I am sad/depressed.

And not knowing how to process my own feelings makes me feel kind of....immature, I guess.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

Love hurts.

Being a stereotypical asshole hurts worse.

Why am I so good at fucking things up that make me happy?

#Youtube

[allsystemsarenotgo]

Missing Out

Two weeks ago, a (couple) friends came down from Iowa to hang out with us for 3 weekends in a row. Dad and I knew them through the internet, but we hadn't really talked much.

That changed 2 weeks ago when we met up in Tulsa. I helped them quite a bit and we talked some off and on. We didn't get to park near eachother, and there wasn't much down-time, so socializing was rather limited to the small bursts. On the other hand though, the lady of the couple and I did start messaging about various things (potpourri), some related to the event we were at, some not so much.

The messaging continued through the week, off and on. We talked about how we are both introverts, how we both have family issues, came from BFE and moved to big cities. Good conversation.

Last weekend we were near Dallas, and though we didn't park near eachother, there was alot more downtime, and we spent a fair bit of that downtime talking, either in person or through messenger. We all had a really good weekend there.

On Tuesday, she was getting bored of being stuck in their RV and not being able to get around. She jokingly asked if I could bring her lunch, but seeing as I was at work, I offered up the option of hanging out around Dinner and we could be tourists for an evening.

She wasn't sure how her husband would take the idea - but he had no problem with it. Considering she's not one that usually hangs out with others, and I have a history of jealous people controlling who I can be around, neither of us neccesarily expected to have permission/comfortability to hang out.

I picked her up after work, and showed her around the touristy parts of DFW. Places I don't even go, because I'm a homebody & have nobody to go places with, so in a way I was a tourist too.

We spent basically from 5PM to Midnight together - and it was wonderful. 7 hours of legitimate happiness and comfort - I think for both of us.

I got home at 1AM after dropping her off at their motorhome, and was up until 3:30 or so trying to calm my brain down. I couldn't focus on anything, not even writing. Eventually I passed out and got 4 hours of sleep before going back to work.

We all reunited for the third weekend in a row in Houston yesterday morning.

Since none of us had plans for the day, her husband suggested going to NASA, since he is a science buff (like me).

So we went to NASA as a group. As we were on the platform around the Shuttle, she intentionally bumped into me, arm to arm (the loving/caring kind of "Hey you" bump). It made me smile. Of course then she says "Why are you smiling" while she is too.

The rest of NASA was uneventful, and we all went out to dinner (also generally uneventful).

We haven't really gotten to hang out much today, it's been too rainy to do anything worthwhile.

I only have two in-person friends. I don't get to hang out with them very often. The whole "socializing" thing is foreign to me.

So to have somebody that understands that and is the same way - it's a huge relief.

We're both self-conscious introverts with minimal-to-no social circle that sometimes struggle to feel like we belong where we are.

I don't smile often.

I loosely brought up love languages. She said she can hug me more. (Such a foreign concept, most people I know are touch-aversioned or Haphephobia).

She even mentioned that she would hug me more, but doesn't know how others would take it.

I really don't care.

You have to seek happiness more than anything else. And if that means being a little selfish - then be selfish. Life is too short to not be chasing happiness. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. That especially applies here because we don't know when we may see eachother again. As it is, we are lucky our paths have crossed as much as they have the last 3 weeks.

It's important that her husband understands and is comfortable, of course.

And I legitimately worry about if there is going to be a period of withdrawal because we have become so close and are so similar in some ways.

But I can't worry now. I have happiness to pursue.

What the last 3 weeks have taught me, though, is how much love I have missed out on because I haven't found the right person yet.

I know she is out there somewhere.

And I can only hope that she loves on me as much as this young lady does. She sent me this below meme earlier today, and it's exactly perfect.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

Pain

Physical pain

Psychological pain

Internal pain

Neurological pain

There are many kinds of pain. Only three may exist medically, but I'm ignoring medicine right now. I'm focusing on what I actually feel.

Right now, I feel psychological pain.

I feel like I have betrayed a friend. Like I have gone a step backwards in the friendship

I meant well. I was only a messenger.

I'm ready to give up.

My heart and brain can't take any more fighting.

My heart wants to know what love is. What it's truly like to receive something that it gives away so much of.

But nobody will give it.

And my brain loses, because it finds so many people that it becomes attached to intellectually.

My brain wants everything to be nice and pristine and OCD and perfect and honest and open.

But in doing so, the heart loses.

Here I am, for the umpteenth time, laying with a broken heart and shattered mind. Wanting to love, wishing for an echo, but there is nothing. No love, no care, no anything. Just remnants of a charred and burned rope bridge hanging down the wall of the volcano.

While I watch a woman I truthfully adored and cared the world about, turn around and walk away.

Because my brain did what it thought was right.

It was wrong.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

Existential Conflict, part 3

Part 1: https://allsystemsarenotgo.tumblr.com/post/648592621539885057

Part 2: https://allsystemsarenotgo.tumblr.com/post/649320086358900736

Originally, I was going to just write all this at the end of part 2. But I decided that there is enough material to warrant a third full chapter. In fact, it's taken me 3 nights to write this part.

When I sat down with my third co-worker and had our heart-to-heart, it didn't start that way. It started as our usual checking up on eachother. "How's life, how's work, how's your family, what have you been up to?"

There were no signs that it would go deep, until a few minutes in, I could see it in her face - something was troubling her. The gears in her mind were turning. Her speech was slower, she was doing alot more thinking with her hands.

Finally, she fully paused to think. And she said "This is going to be deep". I appreciated the warning, but had already felt it coming.

*-*-*

We had been talking about relationships. She has helped me navigate the dating realm, helped me learn how to communicate, and helped me just simply find myself at times. We were discussing the dynamics that can exist between friends, best friends, and significant others. About the things that happen when the friend and the SO don't function on the same page.

She had brought up a live example that she is going through, and I countered with some from my past. One thing I brought up, though, was that alot of young couples don't know how to communicate. I'm guilty as charged.

I use the word "LoveDrunk" alot. My definition is that it is when a person is so in love with another, that they no longer see reality. The love, like alcohol, has made the person's vision inaccurate - specifically their mental vision. They warp their entire lives around the other person. They compromise themselves to be a better match to the other person.

This can happen so much, that they may not ever argue. They may both be so malleable from being LoveDrunk that they don't even realize what the reality is. They may never have any serious down-to-earth conversations because they both think they are on the same page.

Then one day, something happens. They realize they need to have a serious conversation, but they don't know how. They end up yelling at eachother, hurting eachothers feelings.

Communication is very important in a relationship. Specifically, clear, concise, and COMPLETE communication.

It has never hurt a person to put everything on the table. Explain all of the thoughts and feelings. "I would rather be hurt by truth than pacified by lies"

I feel like, especially for the up-and-coming generation, the group born after 1995, that's not very well employed. They would rather do what makes them happy when by themselves, or make their partner happy when together, but not blend the two. Suddenly the partner realizes what is real, and has the epiphany of "I don't like who you really are at all. You've only been disguising yourself as what I like". Then it all goes down the drain.

Yes, I've had many women walk away from me when I laid everything out up front, told them what "baggage" I carry, what my living arrangements are. But that is their loss. I'm a decent guy at heart, and I want a woman who accepts me wholly and completely.

That doesn't mean I'm without flaws. I struggle immensely with communication. But I at least try. I may suck at times, I may be a complete ass at times, but I try.

Time and time again, I hear from my female acquaintances "My boyfriend and I had a fight".

Most commonly, it's because they got a text or a call from another male acquaintance, and now their boyfriend is flipping out in jealousy. Sometimes I am that male acquaintance, sometimes I am not. Unfortunately, jealousy is something that is difficult to deal with.

Sometimes it's because of money. Women are inherently expensive, compared to guys. Unfortunately, society has not yet fully repaired the gender pay gap. It's not unusual that girlfriends (or even wives) will ask for money. I'm sorry guys, but if you want to keep a relationship alive, sometimes you need to support your woman with more than dinner or words.

And sometimes it is because of money in the other direction. Some guys aren't comfortable with women making more than them. And especially now with platforms like OnlyFans, it's extremely easy for women to rake in money by the fistful without leaving the house or really even investing much money.

Too much money can get to one's head. It doesn't matter the gender.

These are by far the 2 most common reason for fights that I know about.

The bottom line is that communication matters.

When my former-friend didn't tell her boyfriend that I existed, I knew he was going to flip out. And I think she did, too. And he did.

Communication can also extend unilaterally into ordinary friendships and marriage. One of my friends made a joke that hurt my feelings when I was with them. I held it in until the next day.

Communication is important.

*-*-*

My Co-Worker made a valid point as we were discussing the topic of relationships.

"I try to imagine myself in his shoes - if the roles were flipped, how would I react to the situations?"

It's the same approach I try to make. Unfortunately in life, I have been through so many situations that I don't have to wonder how I would react - I probably have reacted in the past, and I know what option(s) did and did not work.

It's difficult to nark on somebody for freaking out, if you would freak out as well if the situation happened with the other person.

That is why communication is so important - along with understanding.

"I'm sorry I have upset you, but I understand why you are upset. I would be too. But first, let me tell you the whole story."

There are always three sides to every story: (Person 1)'s story, (Person 2)'s story, and the truth.

Just because there isn't a text history, doesn't mean it was deleted to be hidden.

Just because a person showed up out of nowhere, doesn't mean they have alterior motives.

Just because a person of the opposite gender says "I love you" doesn't mean they are asking you to cheat.

It is okay (and healthy) to have "just friends" of the opposite gender. It's even okay for those "just friends" to say that they love you - because platonic love and friendship love are absolutely a thing. Don't let anyone say otherwise.

*-*-*

My third co-worker paused to think, before saying "This is going to get deep".

I don't remember her first question, honestly. Or her second. Or her third or fourth.

But I remember the conversation. The intimate, honest conversation.

It had to do with relationship timing. When is the right time to have sex? When is the right time to move in together? When is the right time to get engaged and married? From there, it moved along to having kids, and just living life in the big picture.

Some of my answers surprised her. And that's okay. We have grown up in two totally different socioeconomic classes, two different heritages, and two different religions.

Honestly, I felt honored that she felt that she could ask me for advice. Yea we had talked here and there about small situations. But advise at this level...it made me happy in a way.

I'm not going to regurgitate the whole conversation...but some key take-a-ways.

Keep in mind that these are only my opinions, and by no means gospel.

I gave her the story of my freshman university persuasive essay about Abstinence. I explained that because I was a virgin until my third semester of university, since abstinence was all I knew, it's all that I could advocate for.

But then during and after my fifth semester until my ninth semester, I was the complete opposite. My second GF and I would have sex daily if not multiple times a day.

And on the hindsight of all that, I gained an understanding.

There is no right or wrong time to have sex, either in life or in respect to the timing of a specific relationship.

It boils down to the two human beings. What is comfortable for them, what brings them happiness, togetherness, and tranquility. That answer is going to be different for every person.

But to come to that conclusion, I had to experience both extremes - none and all.

That relationship ended in the late spring/early summer of 2012. Since then, I have remained chaste.

My feelings are similar about moving in together. There is no right or wrong answer, it depends on the two people and their situations.

What I can say from my experience, and watching those of others, is that there is a happy medium.

"Living together" is not the subject itself. Rather, the question should be rephrased as "Where and how do I find comfort?"

What I have learned is that it is perfectly okay and healthy to live in two places at once. Don't move out of where you are, but don't avoid moving in with them. Have both places equally available.

And the reason is this: You will always need somewhere that is peaceful. You will always need an escape. So have everything you need to be sustainable in both places: yours and theirs.

When you get burned out from them or need a space to feel whatever kind of way, go "home". When you get burned out on your siblings, parents, or whatever may be the case at "home", go to their place.

I did this with my second ex alot. Usually I was at "home". But when I felt extra lonely, when I needed to feel love, or when I was on bad terms with my parents, I would stay with her for a day or two or three, or even four days one time. And when I needed or wanted to go home, I'd go home.

And there is nothing wrong with that. In the big picture, it is a combination of shifting/expanding your comfort zone, while also learning about self-tolerance, tolerance of others, and growing your relationship.

I am an old soul. I've said it before here in my journal and I'll say it again.

I when the time comes, I want to know that I am with the right person. I want to spend 3 or 4 or 5 years learning about this person, accepting them as they accept me. Learning about eachother wholesomely. I want to spend a year engaged, making absolutely sure we are making the right decision.

All so often these days, I have watch friends date for anywhere from mere months toa year or two before getting engaged. Some have gotten married a few months (or even days/weeks) after the engagement. How do two people learn about eachother so quickly? Or do they? This goes back to being LoveDrunk. Unfortunately, so many of these have ended in divorce after such a short time.

Then I have some friends on the other end. Some have been together for 4 or 5 or 8 or 10 years and never had a proper wedding - just common-law marriage. Some of them have had their ups and downs, their rough patches. And that is going to happen - but they have worked through them and now adore eachother more than ever. Some have been that long together, had a small wedding to be official, but have never changed their names. And that is okay too. It is about happiness of themselves, not appeasing the others.

From there, our conversation got even deeper.

We started talking about having kids. About how her Hispanic and Christian upbringing taught her that birth control didn't exist, that sex was only for having children, and that she should have many children. She talked about how her view of life differs so greatly from those of her siblings and family, about how they nearly shun her for not being married and with-child at only 24 years old.

We talked about how poorly the education system covers reproductive health and the topic of sex in general, how she was basically told "you're going to bleed for the rest of your life, tough shit". We talked about contraception, how she actually uses an app on her phone to track her cycle, to know when she is most and least fertile/safe and unsafe, how important condoms are. We talked about how every method has issues - the pills and implants can throw your hormones all over the place, an IUD can cause perforation, condoms can break. Then, I introduced her to the concept of spermicide (otherwise known as contraceptive gel).

This is when I was taken aghast by her.

When I mentioned spermicide, she looked at me funny. She had never heard of it. So I pulled up a bottle on Amazon, to show her. I offered her my phone, and she looked at the listing intensely. She paused, and I could tell something was...not right. While still looking at my phone, she slowly muttered-and-stumbled..."You....you put this in the vagina?"

I had to pause. And I think she did too. I don't know that either of us understood the full ramifications of what she just said.

*-*-*

We were both raised so sheltered, that these weren't exactly conversations that just ever happen.

You don't just stop and talk about sex, relationships, intimacy, and contraception with friends - much less friends of the opposite gender.

These topics require a specific bond. A trust and a caring that is hard to explain.

And I think, at this specific moment, is when we both realized that we had crossed that barrier. That we were now fully comfortable with eachother.

*-*-*

I replied something to the extent of "Yea..basically...or on him, or just...however it can get inside. The idea being that if the condom breaks...you still have this. It's at least something."

I was still processing what had just happened. I had to give her a response - an honest and factual response - and I didn't want to leave her hanging. By my mind was still processing the moment. I almost started crying, but I held my composure.

Finally, we landed on the topic of having kids.

I've had a similar chat with my second co-worker, but that never makes this conversation any easier. The following in no way is meant to be negative against the Hispanic culture.

I am an only child. I have no siblings. My children, whether step or biological, will never have cousins on my side of the family. They will never have an aunt or uncle on my side of the family. The odds are not on their favor of having a great-grandma or great-grandpa on my side of the family. They'll never have a grandma on my side of the family. God willing, I can only hope they will know their grandfather.

They will have a very small family. But I have already decided in my mind that good lord willing, I will not raise an only child. I want they to know what siblings are. I want them to feel the love and companionship that I never got to the feel. I don't want them to feel the loneliness that I knew growing up. I don't care if one or both are step or half siblings. I just want them to have siblings.

But the more I talk to my friends and co-workers, the more that they tend to say the opposite. That because they have grown up having 2 or 3 siblings, a handful of aunt's and uncles and cousins...the traditional large family...that they would be okay only having an only child. Maybe a second if conditions existed.

I understand their viewpoint as well. It has the same fundamentals as mine: Give Them What You Never Had.

After that conversation, we started trailing off...lunch was over and we both had work to do.

I cautiously placedy hand on her shoulder - I didn't want to abuse her privacy bubble - and thanked her for trusting me to have the conversation. We both agreed that is was beneficial.

As I got up to leave the room, I stopped and the doorway and turned around.

Very quietly I said, "I feel like I should offer you a hug."

To which she responded "You want a hug? Awe, I can give you a hug." I'm pretty sure she mis-heard me from being so quiet.

"I think so."

She stood up, and though it was a very distant and light embrace, it was a hug none the less. I wasn't sure which of us needed it more.

But it just further solidified that we had established some kind of special friendship bond.

🫂

[allsystemsarenotgo]

Existential Conflict, part 2

Part 1: https://allsystemsarenotgo.tumblr.com/post/648592621539885057

I've spent alot of today wondering how I would approach tonight's journal entry.

I decided to make it a continuation of my Existential Conflict post.

Because, fundamentally, I still feel like I am invisible to so many people. And when I'm not invisible, I'm having a heart-to-heart talk to the people who do acknowledge me.

In part 1, I focused more on when I feel invisible.

Tonight will be about some of these heart-to-heart conversations.

< Pauses to contemplate how I want to write this out eloquently >

< Deep breath >

It's not a secret that I feel deeply.

It's not a secret that I feel with my heart, not my brain.

This has been a rough week for me. Alot of heart-felt conversations. Alot of heart-felt thoughts. Alot of difficult topics.

I sent this to a friend the other day. She's hurt my heart twice before, but I guess this week was the straw that broke the camel's back. Honestly I do feel like it's her loss. She blocked me all the way after this message. Yes that hurt my feelings, but she even admitted that she didn't care if she offended me. Some friend.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being too present.

I'm sorry for asking the unrealistic of you.

I'm sorry for burdening you.

I'm sorry for wasting your precious time.

I'm not sorry for being honest.

I'm not sorry for trying to support you.

I'm not sorry for caring about & loving you for who you are.

I'm not sorry for never trying to get in your pants.

You are not broken. You're not supposed to focus on the negative things. You are who you are.

You are a beautiful young lady.

God blessed you with a daughter.

You have a loving family and a loving soul.

You are passionate about your career.

Pain and drama are temporary. Pride and love are forever.

Nobody is perfect. That's why He died for us. To accept and allow our imperfections.

I've thought hard about what you said. It hurts my heart, but my mind understands.

I want to stay friends. I love you for who you are, and have for the last 10 years that I have known you.

But I am unwanted, so I'll mute myself. It's not fair for you to have to mute someone who cares about you.

🫂🤍

Yea, it sucks. But honestly, maybe it needed to happen. Although I'm not sure I'll ever forget her (Knowing her for 10 years is a long time to delete the cookies, cache, and history of). Indubitably my dumb, soft heart will have feelings for her for a long time to come.

Last Friday, after I wrote Part One, a co-worker whom I have been worried about sent me a long message. I felt it. She wrote it from her heart. I could feel her hurt through the text.

I tried to help, I offered, I wanted to help... But she didn't reply.

So my dumb ass loving and caring heart did a thing, because I knew somebody that could at least scratch the surface of being able to help her, if she was going to keep me out of her comfort bubble.

Three times in my life, I have had to interact with the police due to my mental condition.

The first time was while I was in college, when I had a messsive meltdown and collapsed. The campus police escorted me to a nearby hospital for evaluation.

The second time was when I was borderline suicidal and was texting a friend-at-the-time who is a nurse. She ended up calling a welfare check on me at 2:30 in the morning. The police showed up with red and blues on, and just about beat the front door down.

Journal entry from that night: https://allsystemsarenotgo.tumblr.com/post/84306750015

The third time, I had sent a slightly ominous text to a group of trustworthy peers. One of those peers called in a welfare check. But rather than send the police to my house, she sent them to my work. Probably equally hurtful. At least I was able to build an alibi for the nosey co-workers asking why 4 officers came looking for me.

She is upset at me because I broke her trust and did something penultimate: Asked a higher power to consult with her. Basically a welfare check - but not with the police, and in a controlled and overall trustworthy manner.

The nice version of what two of my friends have done to me in the past.

Not the first time I have some something of the sort.

Just in January, I did a welfare check by myself on a former friend at her dorm, because she had inexplicably ghosted me.

https://allsystemsarenotgo.tumblr.com/post/641163841037893632

What sucks, is that we are co-workers...we aren't supposed to be upset at eachother. Fortunately we don't see eachother very often. But that doesn't make it okay.

I just hope that she sees the light and understands that as my friends did to me, I was trying to help and protect her. The pain about the situation is only temporary; but the act itself shows how much one cares about the other.

I have been building a deeply personal friendship with another co-worker for many months now. We both know that relationships don't belong in the workplace, so we both have taken that option off the table (me moreso reluctantly than she). But nonetheless and along the way, we have learned some very deep things about eachother. Our strengths and weaknesses, our good and bad, our loves and our hates.

Twice this week, I have sat with her in my truck, just simply having a heart-to-heart talk. She's in a hard place, and as a friend, it's my purpose/role/duty to help mentor her into a better place in her life.

I have known this young woman for 1.5 years. For the first time ever, I saw a genuine smile on her face this week.

It is amazing what happens when you help a person escape a lifestyle that they have known for so long. Seeing that smile made me happy. Seeing that smile made it all worth it.

We are all human.

And I will do alot more than most, to see somebody smile, feel comfortable, feel existent, feel loved.

Because I have been where none of that existed.

I know what that suffering is and feels like.

And I don't want to see others go through it. Or if they do, I want to help reduce the pain that is felt.

Finally, today I had yet another heart-to-heart with a third co-worker.

We talked relationships. She has helped me navigate some of my complicated thoughts and friendships, and I have been her sounding board at times about things in her life.

Today we spent a good hour together, just talking about the various dynamics of friendships. Talking about jealousy, trust, fear, marriage, having kids, physical health, self-maintenance, self-protection, protection of partners. At the end, we embraced for the first time. It wasn't very long, it wasn't a tight embrace. But it was an embrace. A sign that we truly feel that we can trust and approach eachother and honestly talk about anything.

There was so much more to talk about, than time allowed.

I wish we could finish that conversation, that I could share so much more with her.

I have battled with loneliness, non-acceptance, invisibility, and bullying for most of my life.

I never dated in high school.

I had 2 girlfriends in my first 3 of my 6 years of college.

I've been single (and not dating) for 8 going on 9 years.

But I haven't been sitting idly by.

I have been observing. Observing my friendships. My friends' relationships. Watching what works and what doesn't.

This is what makes me a mentor.

I may not have the right answers. I may not say things the right way all the time. But I will absolutely support my friends in any way that I can.

It just so happens that due to my very small social circle, my friends are also my co-workers.

[allsystemsarenotgo]