am-3w

[am-3w]

Hi, hello.

Excuse me for the super inconsistent, overly emotional posts the past few months. It's been 4 months since the separation. Me and the kids have been in our own place for two months now. I'm prioritizing my mental health and my relationship with the kids. I found a wonderful daycare. Things are good and while we still have our days, those few months ago feel like a lifetime ago. I'm hopeful to have the ambition to do updates soon because these kids are growing and thriving ❤️

#personal #march 26th 2024

[am-3w]

Before you judge me, please remember at the end of the day I have to look myself in the face knowing I failed to give my children the family I never had, not just once, but twice.

#personal #febuary 12th 2024

[am-3w]

Its so crazy to me that a man who tried for not one, but two babies, went through fertility testing and treatments, can then go on and talk about never wanting to be "overwhelmed with kids again". At what point did you decide fatherhood wasn't for you? Maybe I should've taken more note when you told me all my talk of the baby I was actively pregnant with, was annoying. Maybe when I cried while painting our daughters nursery alone and again with our sons. Or maybe when I was struggling with my health, 9 months pregnant with two other kids and I BEGGED for you to get a job closer to home, even if you took a pay cut. So you came home and told me you took a new job, for less money.. but you'll be gone 5 days a week instead of the prior 4. If you didn't want a family, I wish you wouldn't have acted like I was the monster for finally leaving. I've never gotten help with a single night feed, booboo kissed, lullabies sang. I slept on the couch with a newborn in my arms and convinced myself I actually believed any empty fucking promises you made to get better.

#personal #sorry for ranting #Febuary 9th 2024

[am-3w]

A New Chapter

I moved into a 3 bedroom apartment today.. an hour away from D. It's a smaller town but it's nice. Less crime, good schools. I don't know if it's quite sunk in yet. It's crazy how quickly things change.

I'm both mourning the life I had, while excited for the life I'm creating. That doesn't make it any easier though.

#personal #jan 19th 2024

[am-3w]

"No relationship is ever a waste of time. If it didn’t bring you what you want, it taught you what you don’t want." - Unknown

[am-3w]

I became a single mom a few weeks ago. Obviously I haven't been ready to talk about it, I'm not sure if I am now. I'm moving a town over, with my mom, at the start of the year. I didn't picture myself here. Don't beg for the bare minimum. Potential isn't a reason to stay.

It has to be upwards from here because I don't think things can go much lower.

❤️

#december 14th 2023 #personal

[am-3w]

[am-3w]

Is it too much to ask, that for once in my life, someone loves me softly?

#personal #dec 6th 2023

[am-3w]

I just ordered the kids the Sam's club explorer sofa/ nugget knock off for Christmas and I'm SO FRIGGIN EXCITED

#personal #november 24th 2023

[am-3w]

Thanksgiving.

A day where we are supposed to be thankful yet I seem to feel more taken advantage of than usual. All holidays seem like that the last few years.

My self esteem has gotten so low I considered not even posting anything because I genuinely feel like a bother anytime I talk or express feelings, why would it be different online?

Maybe one day I'll get fed up enough to do something about it.

Happy Thanksgiving ❤️

#personal #november 23rd 2023

[am-3w]

Definitely not pregnant. Currently 3 days into the worlds worst period. I get that I didn't have a real period for 9 months but I had a hematoma over half the time and then bled for multiple weeks after birth. I feel like I've done my time by now 😂

I can't help but wonder if it was the tests I took. I got some cheap dollar general ones that I've never used before and they definitely had a line and it was nearly immediate and it was dark enough that even D could see it (and he tried telling me my first tests with both of the babies were negative 😂). I took 2 of those and 2 of the 89 cent ones from Walmart and couldn't tell if there was a line on those but their evaps are terrible. So then I got first response and those were negative and obviously those ones were right. I guess it's probably time to invest in the big packs of cheapies from Amazon. They've never done me wrong 😂

Both me and D were more shocked about timing than the idea of another baby 😬 so now we're more unsure than we were before. If the stars align and we can move in the next two years, maybe we'll have 1 more. Or maybe not. But it was definitely surprising how much we weren't freaking out 😂

#personal #november 13th 2023

[am-3w]

What do you do when you've only been cleared for 4 weeks and then get super faint positives on pregnancy tests? Like so faint you can't tell if youre just seeing stuff. But you've been super stressed and struggling and REALLY don't wanna be pregnant rn and had finally come to terms with not having anymore kids but now all this has thrown you for such a loop, even if you're not currently pregnant you're now questioning if you actually want another baby in the future?? 😬

#personal #11/9/23

[am-3w]

I'm gunna be honest.. I'm struggling. I definitely have PPD and this time it's hard. I feel like recently I've been spiralling and my relationship is taking a major hit from it. I feel like most days I feel like I'm just mentally distant and stuck in one spot all day. I know it's time to tell someone but I feel like it just gets away from me. Like I'm just going through the motions daily and before I know it after 5pm again and everywhere is closed.

Me and D are also just going through a really rough patch and I'm SO sick of everyone acting like their relationships are always perfect. Life is real. Its not always like the movies, people have their ups and downs and I'm tired of feeling like I have to hide it.

#personal #november 6th 2023

[am-3w]

Alexander is 2 months as of the first 😭 He weighs 14lbs and is 22 1/2 inches long already! We've started socially smiling within the last week and now we're all giggles when we're awake. Our baby acne is nearly gone and we're finally being happy during wake windows. I think the dairy was causing the reflux as well and it was like a few days ago a switch flipped and he seems to feel SO much better. He's so much more enjoyable It makes me almost not miss cheese.. almost 😂

#personal #october 30th 2023

[am-3w]

If you follow me or message me randomly and your account looks completely random/no parenting stuff, Imma probably block you. This stuffs about my kid, if I'm not convinced your a real person, buh byeee 😂

#personal #october 30th 2023

[am-3w]

I guess I should preface by saying I have equal respect for food service workers as I do any other job and I've never been someone to talk down on or treat anyone different. I've also worked in fast food myself but I really swear I'm not a Karen.

I went to our local taco bell today and ordered a breakfast crunch wrap without cheese or the jalapeno sauce (idk if it has dairy or not). I leave to go run my next errand and take a bite and get a mouthful of cheese. I swung back through and told them "hey my son has a dairy protein allergy, I ordered a breakfast crunch wrap without cheese or sauce and I got one with cheese." Then told me to pull up and hand me another bag. I leave and open the crunch wrap at the end of the parking lot. No cheese or sauce, but also no egg now. Ugh whatever. I just leave, maybe their eggs are mixed with dairy. I get to to where I'm going and open the first crunch wrap, there's SO MUCH cheese. Like an abnormal amount of cheese. So now I'm convinced someone was just being rude on purpose 🙁

So now I'm sad and still hungry.

#personal #baby3 #cmpa #october 28th 2023

[am-3w]

So I'm pretty sure we're struggling with CMPA (cows milk protein allergy). I've cut out 95% of dairy protein but apparently soy can also cause issues. I'm going to be doing a full overhaul on my diet but dairy protein is in everything. They also say it takes 2-3 weeks to be out of your system completely. I didn't realize until recently how much dairy we really eat or how expensive dairy free alternatives are, or just not available in my local stores.

We went to a friend's house with the kids (they have 5 of their own) and we made breakfast for dinner and no one mentioned to me till it was already made, that they put milk in the pancakes 😩

Alexander is so miserable that at this point I think it's change my diet or switch to formula and I FINALLY have a good milk supply.

#personal #baby3 #october 23rd 2023