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I am my mothers daughter. I will not allow you to belittle me, I will rise up again!
You brought me to my darkest hour.
I stumbled on a secret power, I found a way to be without again.
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This masterpiece is a symbol to new beginnings!
Well, at least for me since I did not make this art.
There is a backstory to these pieces of wood. In my darkest times I wanted to shed some light to my partner at the time. I was so weak and naive, I believed that day was the happiest day of my life. It sure as hell was not. I remember it clearly. We had just gotten back together after he needed a week to storm off. That weekend he "forgave" me and I brought him along to my friends' event. I was having a ball with everyone there. It felt like a safe space despite covid was still in the air. I wanted to take pictures since I always took to heart his words, "why don't we have pictures of us to post?"
I never wanted pictures of us, because I knew this would be temporary like the last.
My friend thought we looked great and continued to take pictures with her professional camera. Despite everyone around us joking around, I had anxiety that he was mad and didn't want to be with my friends who did like him, my cousins who considered him family.
I remember Valentine was approaching, and after back to back fights I wanted to remind him of why we were together. But maybe it was to remind myself why we should not be together. I was sad searching for an image of us actually looking happy. But in a lot of the pictures he looked miserable. Miserable to be around my family and friends. Why would he keep me around if he disliked what made me me? The pictures showed me how much hope and love I had to give. I should have spent all those years giving that love and hope to myself, but when I tried he accused me of being selfish.
The picture behind this painting, he stood stiff while I had my arms around him. That fall of 2020, I had regret for answering his call. If I did not answer his call we would not have had this picture taken, I would have not chosen it with disappointment to be printed on the wood.
Despite all the regret, I am in the process of accepting what has happened. I need to make peace with what that relationship had shown me, to never allow my light to be diminished. That life is behind me, I only have one way to go and that is up to continue my growth. That is what this painting now shows me, that there will always be change, rebirth, something new coming my way. No matter the decisions I made, I must always accept the change it brings. For once in my life I am not afraid of change. I am eager to know what comes next. I have my arms and the palm of my hands open to welcome the unknown.
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“Growth is painful. Change is painful.But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”
— Mandy Hale
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I made this blog as an escape. I needed a way to let out what I felt because I didn’t feel safe to show my emotions in real life. It still feels so unreal how my life has changed. I don’t need to hide anything anymore. I can be me and I have found peace. I have gained a lot of people that care and support me. I don’t ever feel alone even when I am all by myself. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. This is all new to me and I honestly can’t believe I am okay with change and excited for more change to come my way!
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I wish I had someone who appreciated me and who I could feel safe going to for comfort and reassurance when I’m feeling overwhelmed or even when I get my sad moments of missing my family and getting anxiety from remembering everything has changed. Someone who will tell me they know I’ll be okay because they’re going to be there for me.
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I’m not feeling well at all. There’s a lot of thoughts in my head that’s drowning me again. I do feel like I’m a bad person filled with so much toxicity. I am very inconsiderate and selfish. You were nothing but good to me and I just took everything out of you and left you with so much pain and emptiness. I ruined you like I keep ruining everyone else. I bring out the worst from people. I’m at fault for all the bad outcomes. I am meant to be alone so I don’t poison people’s hearts and minds. I feel so guilty to even be alive. Like I’m not allowed to feel. I feel like I deserve to be in misery and shouldn’t complain because I made my bed and now it’s time to burry myself in it. I’d like to tell you just what a wonderful person you’ve always been to me and that I never deserved your kind heart. I really wish I could be there now to tell you that somehow someway you will be okay with the weight you’re carrying right now. I wish I could comfort you just for a small moment. But that’s my selfishness. Just for me to be a part of you for a moment. So I will have to keep my distance. I only wish the best things for you and I’m sorry for ever giving you false hope in the past.
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I have so much rage inside. You make me so fucking sick. I’m glad you woke up feeling like shit. Serves you right. Piece of shit.
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At the end, you’re the one who actually cares about yourself. You got it all wrong. I’m here awake, like every fucking time we fight. I’m awake with tears in my face. I won’t sleep. I never sleep when we fight. But you. You fucking sleep like a king when you cause me pain. When you call me names. When you yell at me. When you blame me.
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Once again I do everything for you just to get shitted on. Did my hair. Put lipstick. Wore your favorite dress. The first time I got out of class early. The day before our monthly anniversary. The day finally feels warm. And you just make me cry. You call me toxic. All because I didn’t answer your call while I was in the bathroom. I was excited since I woke up. Waiting for you to come home. Washed my car to drive you around today and tomorrow.
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Funny how a year ago I wrote two pages of everything that I loved about you and now I wrote so naturally how you are not love. What we have is not love. The words you yelled at last week still echo in my head of how much you hate me and how I made you to who you are, this terrible person. But in fact, you were like this to begin with, I only ignored the red flags our first summer and thanksgiving and Christmas. I should’ve known better back then. I keep losing feelings and just becoming numb. It’s so hard to understand or even know which part of your words are true. Do you love me? Like you said a few minutes ago. Or do you hate me? We never heal, we just keep digging into our wounds.
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