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beatbawksradio · 4 hours

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Rainy days 🌊🪷💧

gonna start posting some older pieces here too~

i have a lot of backlog that i’ve posted on other social media but not here yet

#tutajvibe

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beatbawksradio · 1 day

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“İç çekişlerimizle kurarız en uzun cümleleri.”

Ali Şeriati...

#sessionvibe #vibevibe #tutajvibe

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beatbawksradio · 2 days

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Belki bir gün beni ziyarete gelirsin ,

sen ruhumun misafir odasında uyursun...

Didem Madak...

#solveigvibe #sessionvibe #vibevibe #tutajvibe

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beatbawksradio · 3 days

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Sunrise, late afternoon, sunset

#solveigvibe #sessionvibe #vibevibe

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beatbawksradio · 4 days

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vent about having my accomplishments undermined

just feeling melancholy today about smth that happened literally 12 years ago, that has ended up still sticking with me today. it kinda sent me on this spiral of thinking about other scenarios like it and how often ive been trapped with people who treat me like this.

see, back in 2012, i went to my first and only ever convention. I've never gone to another mostly bc ive struggled financially all my life and can't afford the tickets for such a social luxury that im too anxious to even properly enjoy. but, its also bc of how... conflicting my first experience was. there was a panel for pokemon fans basically, which my friends was excited to bring me to, and during this panel, they held a tiny little drawing contest. it was like, you got small dry erase boards, and 15 seconds to draw the pokemon described. being an artist and also young (still in high school), i was super pumped to volunteer for it- i have always had very extreme stage fright, as evidenced by me being red as hell and sweating the whole time, but i powered through that for the sake of having fun in my Element. the final challenge was a 60 second chance to doodle mewtwo, and this was right when the y mega was revealed so i went with that, and the crows went insane. i won the contest, by a landslide, and it was such a genuinely amazing and unbelievable moment in my life. it was just a stupid local 15 second drawing contest with a small crowd of people, but hearing everyone be so excited about my art was so. just incredible.

but... afterwards... the friend who brought me there, while i was excited and celebrating that id actually, yknow, won something for the first time in my life, instead just. told me "well it wasnt really fair bc those other people weren't actually real artists like you are"

and that completely took the wind out of my sails. it crushed me. i felt like i had cheated, like i had stolen a victory from people more deserving, and that i should've never have raised my hand to begin with. id won a little prize from it but couldn't even feel all that happy about it. i felt like i didnt deserve it. i felt like people were mad at me for being decent at art

12 years, and that experience has still stuck with me. i remembered it bc my job is doing this funny little "daily stretching" challenge, and i was going to sign up for it bc i already stretch all throughout my work day, but i ended up holding myself back. bc i thought, well, is it really fair when i already do this as a daily habit? this challenge is to get people who don't stretch often to do it more, and reward them for it. would it be right to reward someone who doesn't need the extra push?

so i didn't. i thought itd be unfair. i thought people would be mad at me if i won bc i have such an advantage already.

and its just sent me down this spiral of remembering all the times ex-friends and past abusers have done this. how I've never been able to just feel proud of myself or happy that ive accomplished something or that im even just decent and capable at whatever the thing is. i can't talk about my meta-raised pokemon bc it isn't impressive when meta specialized mons plow through things. i can't talk about my art getting big numbers bc it isn't impressive when you bandwagon something and it gets spread around bc of that. i can't talk about defeating a tough monster in monhun bc its just my leveled up equipment carrying me. I'm not allowed to be good at anything, bc I'm either just cheating or i dont deserve the win bc i work harder than others. and me winning makes everyone mad that they didn't win instead

so i just accepted being a loser. being stupid. being bad at everything. bc it was easier to be a loser and let my friends always beat me at everything than to make a loser out of my friends, even though i was never trying to compete to begin with, i just wanted to have fun. but I'm not allowed to have fun bc me having fun makes other people upset and mad. and that sucks. id rather just lose. then everyone else can be happy

but. yknow. obviously that's not healthy. and what it ended up leading to was me just, isolating. i didn't wanna show my art to people anymore, i didn't wanna play games with anyone, i didn't want anyone to see me and be negatively affected by my existence. so i just started doing things by myself, and trying to live off self-sustained validation and happiness. and there is some merit to learning how to validate yourself and make yourself happy, but it shouldn't come at the cost of your ability to socialize entirely.

bc the problem was never with me. it was the people i was surrounded by. bc real friends talk you up, cheer you on, and celebrate your accomplishments. they dont see themselves as losers just bc you've won, they see themselves as teammates who have won simply bc you're happy. they don't make life a competition. that's how friendships are supposed to be. it was never about there being something wrong with me. i wasn't the problem

#vent #tootvibe #sessionvibe

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beatbawksradio · 4 days

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