bibliophilebaby

[bibliophilebaby]

i just want to read. i'm tired of working and studying.

i'm just a girl.

[bibliophilebaby]

i know i don't talk about it much because i know it's a natural and normal aspect of growing as a woman but it really bothers me.

i know bodies are meant to change as you get older but i didn't realise how unprepared for it i was. looking back on old pictures makes me sad because i look pretty. i would smile and my cheeks wouldn't bulge out. i could stand and my stomach wouldn't protrude. i could wear my favourite jeans without getting a stomach ache after because now they dig in the entire time im sat down. i could wear tops that exposed my collarbone and not make the conscious decision to hold my breath so they were more visible.

i could be happy without being hyper aware of looking bad. i was happy with people taking pictures off me off guard because i liked the way i looked. but now i cant. now i get angry every time someone takes a picture of me and refuses to delete it. now i scrutinise myself every time i walk past a mirror or a shop window. now i wear my hair down 90% of the time because i fear people will mock by neckline.

it sucks. but as much as i'm insecure about it i know it won't last forever. i know i wont be insecure about becoming a woman for the rest of my life and that knowledge is what keeps me from changing. from changing my diet and over exercising.

because one day i know i'll love how i look and i don't want to prolong it.

i know one day i'll love myself like my friends do, like my family do - and i can't wait.

[bibliophilebaby]

it just hit me how much i'm going to miss it. the place itself no, but the people in it.

the constant stream of laughter when in the library

the yoga in the stairwell

the breakdowns on the bench outside

always going to the toilets together

saving seats for eachother

sending notes to eachother

gossiping about anyone and anything

the way we'd always have one knee up on a chair when we were invested in a conversation

sunbathing together in summer on our lunch break

sitting on the floor at a bus stop eating crappy meal deals in 10 minutes

just the smiles the laughter the company. it's all going to be gone and i'm not ready to have that all ripped away. to have them ripped away

it genuinely hurts.

[bibliophilebaby]

stress cleaning my room bc exam is tomorrow and very scared

didn't know i had half of the stuff i do

[bibliophilebaby]

crying. need my boyfriend.

[bibliophilebaby]

he's literally the best person ever. 12 hour shift and makes me mac and cheese (literally his best dish ever) because i had a headache

he also set up candles and tea for us to watch the solar storm 🥺

i don't think i've ever felt as loved as i did last night.

this man literally means the world to me and i'm so grateful to have him in my life.

[bibliophilebaby]

it's weird sitting here and remembering i have a tattoo now.

i have a tattoo

i personally think it's adorable but i'm scared no one else will like it.

like at the end of the day as long as i like it that's all that matters but it's scary to think the girls i got it for might not like it.

but hey, it's special to me because it's a physical representation of the change these two girls have brought me.

before meeting them and getting to know them i was a recluse. i stuck by myself and only myself because i was scared, frightened, even disinterested maybe. but these girls changed everything.

they made me realise the true value of female friendship and the joy one can experience in the simplest of things. the way we can talk about anything, no judgment. the way we can all laugh together other something silly. how we can gossip and chat shit for hours and not one of us will get bored. how we can talk about our messed up lives and we listen. not because we feel we have to but because we care.

i really do love my girls and i hope one day they'll realise the extent to that because i don't mean it casually. they've changed me as a person and made me view life differently and i'll be eternally grateful for the impact they've had.

[bibliophilebaby]

is it bad that i'm stuck here stalking my boyfriends ex flings.

i know we're in a good place and i love it but i still think sometimes like what if it's not completely over? does he have feelings for her? was she good to him?

i'm in his room and was bored so went to look at the books he had and he has ugly love by colleen hoover and a colouring book which is not targeted towards males so they have to be hers.

but she never came here? or was that a lie

why does he still have them? does he still want to hold on to what they had, he said it was just a fling but was that just a lie?

im so confused and i don't want to bring it up incase it ruins things but i can't just sit here and think think think

[bibliophilebaby]

it's my best kept secret. no one knows i'm doing this to myself and i relish in the acknowledgment of my own, secret, self destruction.

[bibliophilebaby]

am i that easy to lie to? do i mean that little to you that you would tell me nothing about something i had every right to know? does our friendship mean nothing? am i nothing?

i could've never done that to you and you know that. i respect you too much. so why on gods green earth do you think it's okay to do that? why?

i don't know how to feel. i don't want to argue but you don't even take my feelings into consideration anymore. you've changed, and i feel like im losing my best friend. i feel like im slowly losing everything and you don't care. no one cares.

i am nothing and you've realised that.

[bibliophilebaby]

wtf is wrong with me. i am royally, mentally deranged.

[bibliophilebaby]

my head is going to implode. tf is happening

[bibliophilebaby]

having an existential crisis.

my life amounts to nothing, i have nothing to show for my time here. nothing to be proud of, nothing to look forward to. i'm stuck in a constant state of limbo and i can't escape. nothing i do gives me meaning.

i am nothing.

[bibliophilebaby]

i feel like she's going to hate me when i tell her

[bibliophilebaby]

no babies today. happy happy girl😆

[bibliophilebaby]

about to take a pregnancy test and i'm acc scared this time bc there's a high possibility im preggers bc drunk sex = no awareness of pulling out.

wish me luck

[bibliophilebaby]

watched kung fu panda 4 yesterday.