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Sharing My Story
Trigger Warning for mentions of: Eating disorders, abuse, emotional blackmail, self harm, threats of ļæ¼ suicide, sexual assault, physical assault, racism, homophobia/bigotry ideals and manipulation
^Please only read if you have read the warning!^
Iāve been wanting to talk about this for some times as it has been so many years and yet I still get PTSD from this.
When I was 15-16 I was in a relationship with someone Iāll just call āthat guyā/āguyā (I donāt even want to give him a creative name). I will also specify that he is the same age as me although when I started dating him I was told by a doctor that my mental age was apparently āhalf my actual ageā.
Now I canāt even remember how this relationship started because to me it felt like āOh weāve been hanging out for a long time, I guess weāre going out nowā also just to make it clear I had only been in one other relationship before this one and Iād felt the same way, I currently identify as grey aro/ace although I still question myself on it.
And a small detail about before this relationship, I had actually witnessed āthat guyā grab a half full bottle of water and hold a student while repeatedly hitting them really really hard with it, idk why at the time I didnāt see this as a red flag but then again I was about 14-15.
In this relationship at first I was told to be quiet about it unless Iād expressed how it made me feel sad as I was to feel like āthat guyā was ashamed of me for some reason.
I donāt want to go into full detail of every single thing that happened as it was very traumatic so the less I think about it the better. Iām going to make a list of things that happened instead.
ā¢ Kicked me in the head
ā¢ Hit me on my lower back
ā¢ Pulled my arm so hard my shoulder was in pain for a few weeks
ā¢ Bullied my ex and tried to convince me that my ex assaulted me
ā¢ Told me that I was āpractically a boyā because I was bi (I wasnāt at the time) and that he was a girl because he was bi (Just pointing out how he seems to associate someoneās sexually with their gender identity)
ā¢ Would start an argument if I show little discomfort/felt upset by something he did or said
ā¢ Said he would kill my favourite tv show characters if he got the chance (Iām autistic and I think you can see why telling an autistic teen this is pretty fucked up)
ā¢ Made fun of and got angry at me for my autistic traits such as not liking loud sounds, bright lights and repetitive sounds and motion
ā¢ Referred to my eating disorder, ARFID as ābeing a picky eaterā and when I expressed it upset me he showed no remorse and said he was ājust jokingā
ā¢ Putting words in my mouth. For example if he asked āWhy would someone suddenly be acting different?ā And I would reply āIdk. A big change in their life, loss of someone close, drugs, alcohol, into something new, money?ā He would turn around say I was accusing him of doing drugs (I really donāt know how he would make those stretches)
ā¢ Manipulated me into acting in a way that was more sexual than what I was comfortable with
ā¢ Would then tell me off for said behaviour but then would make remarks or show disinterest in me when I stopped
ā¢ Touched me without permission or while I was asleep even though I had expressed discomfort or even said no (I would wake up from it or have noticeable signs of it when I woke up)
ā¢ Made jokes about Asian peopleās eyes
ā¢ Isolated me from friends and made it so I could only be friends with his friends
ā¢ Threats of self harm and taking his own life when he wouldnāt get his way
I know that was long and thank you if youāve read this far. This is very hard for me to write as I keep needing to take breaks to calm myself down.
When I was 15-16 I was very into Rick and Morty and I suggested it to āthat guyā since I genuinely thought he would like it. He said weād watched it before but I pointed out that he was never paying attention to which he just seemed to flip out about. I told him it wasnāt going to work to which he threatened self harm and worse so I agreed to stay with him. The next day he then ābroke up with meā as far as I was concerned it had already ended when I said it wasnāt going to work but we still tried to be friends.
After that I had so many nice and kind people come back into my life which I was a very emotional thing for me because it felt like I was asleep or cut off from reality before hand. It seemed that the rest of the school knew about āguyāsā behaviour as no one wanted to talk to him or be friends with him after everything, we could just stand in this corner staring at me and my friends while texting as we spent our breaks talking and such.
A few days after it happened I was sat with my friends and suddenly got a call from my mum saying that āguyāsā parents had called her saying that I had been bullying him to which I had to point out that no, I wasnāt bullying him. I was just sitting with my friends and talking while āthat guyā was staring at us in a corner.
After that I did my exams and went to college only to find out that āguyā had copied me on what course I was taking, I had actual helped him get into a different course to me but he still decided to take the course I was taking.
Now I did try to be civil, I didnāt acknowledge him or talk about him/to him until he asked if we could be friends(I was 16 at the time btw, Iām the UK you go to college at about 16 and then uni after about 3 years). I foolishly said yes.
One day my friend who Iād met in that course who had ME was going to be late and was worried about being seated near someone who kept messaging them about drinking and made them uncomfortable. I had a different class before our one so I asked āthat guyā if he could save them a seat and he said no which I was fine with but then he went on to say that I was ābullying him by asking him to save them a seatā and after I told him thatās not how it worked he said āI wouldnāt let him be bi while we were datingā, I was actually very supportive and happy for him during that time. I told him repeatedly to leave me alone and blocked him.
Now for this last bit Iām going to go back about it. Before we started dating he was dating another girl who had left our school due to depression and I was actually close with her and I was very sad and worried when she left. Idk how they broke up but the girl was at my college and I was so relieved and happy that she was okay I went to say hello to her. She screamed at me and I went home that day because someone had told me that āguyā had ātold everyone I abused himā(I also found out that she started dating āguyā), this was so overwhelming and upsetting that it is actually what started my PTSD.
Despite what I had managed to survive, doing the right thing by not talking to him or about him (apart from to two close friends at the time) and worrying about someone for years who I had no contact with I was now being accused of this horrible horrible thing that I had to live through. I even struggled to stand properly that day because of how scared, breathless and distraught I felt. I had even become terrified of saying his name because thatās how much hearing or saying it would fill me with fear.
They were reported and felt with for what had happened but for the rest of the year āguyā and his girlfriend harassed and bullied me and they even harassed my mother at certain points. It was the worst first year of college I think anyone couldāve had and I would never wish it on anyone.
After that I went into the next year being in a different group to him(itās also where I met my current best friend)and then the following year the groups merged but it seemed he didnāt have any friends again and I had actually made friends with some of the people he told I was abusive. One even said while I was helping them at their house āIām sorry that I believed him, youāre actually really sweet and niceā which felt amazing to hear after all that ļæ¼trauma.
Today I still suffer with really bad PTSD attacks related to what happened before and during that first year of college. I guess I get paranoid that maybe the same thing will happen again somehow in the future so making this post is my way of venting about this, and bringing awareness to it as I know Iām not the only one who has been abused only to have that person tell you āitās your faultā or āyouāre actually the abusive oneā despite having had to deal with similar or even the same thing as me. And people like āthat guyā will always be around trying to snake their way back into your life just to hurt you or make themselves a victim just so they donāt have to feel bad about what they did to you.
To finish this off I want to sort of say what I would to my younger self, dealing with what happened.
Iām sorry I wasnāt able to protect you and Iām sorry that you suffered. From the bottom of my heart and everything I am, I am sorry. You deserve better than what happened to you and donāt ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I know you put yourself down a lot but you are going to make some amazing things and meet amazing people who love you and care for you. Donāt let this hold you back, you are more than this horrible thing that happened to you so donāt let it consume you. You are loved and capable of so much. Donāt ever stop being your happy silly and imaginative self, I love that side of you and I will not stop loving you. Please take care of yourself.
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