brxin

[brxin]

i’m really struggling right now. it’s been awhile, and i feel like i’ve been withdrawn and reclusive because the truth is it’s hard to admit. i don’t want to let others know how i’ve landed here. i ultimately chose this path, and now, i feel stuck. i am hurting. i have been hurting, but i don’t want to tell anyone. i’ve brought this on myself.

the longer i stay, the longer i feel like i am hurting myself. i can’t even begin to express the things i feel. i bite my tongue, but i’m not happy. i feel so alone. how did i end up here? i can’t keep living this way. i’ve been trying to be hopeful, but it genuinely just feels like to keep the peace, i must always be the one to give in. i have to be the person to stomach all this alone. everyone just has this false belief, and i just want to hide.

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 Kyoto. Photography by Teruhide Tomori

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Abbey Ginns

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Julia Kivelä

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poets

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toastedbyeli

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Scandinavian loft

THENORDROOM.COM - INSTAGRAM - PINTEREST - FACEBOOK

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Sakura

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i’ve been thinking a lot lately. i feel like i’m learning a new side of myself.

i recently cut out a friendship out of my life, and even though i didn’t know that person very long, i felt like whenever i allow this deep vulnerability of myself with someone, i’ll always care and love that person. i mean, i still think about this one girl in high school sometimes. i used to be scared about feeling this way, but today, i’m realizing how much growth i’ve shown in the last year. i’m extremely proud of my growth. i’m protective of it because i’ve been working extremely hard to become a better person, a better version of me. this is work i committed to myself - and feel like i’ve continually to make everyday. i didn’t realize how much i needed that, how much it would teach me about myself, how much i learned to love myself.

for as long as i can remember, i’ve struggled with letting go, especially the deep human connections. i think it’s the permanence of it all. i used to be so angry and hateful towards myself, screaming “why is it so important to keep these people”, and it felt like i stayed longer than i should’ve. i had hope things would change.

with a lot of work through therapy, i am getting to a place in my life where i feel more comfortable to speak for myself, to confront issues that i have always avoided. i’ve learned that a lot of my coping/defense mechanisms are basically a reflection of a toxic environment. it’s taken some real work to admit to myself the kind of deep traumas i have and the type of hard work that still exists. i’m trying to work on unlearning patterned behavior like “i need to repair relationships for survival” - that was a hard lesson. i’ve spent so many years always feeling the need to fix all my connections because it was what i did to survive my home. i spent years hiding and protecting my identity because i wasn’t allowed to be myself, be honest. i realized that through therapy, my pattern of staying in toxic cycles is because i have been replicating what i had always felt safest, the home i grew up in. i’m working on trying to break those habits. i want to say what i mean and mean the things i say, but mostly, i want to be better at protecting myself. i don’t need to repair everything because i can find safety and comfort alone now. i don’t have to repair for survival anymore, and in some way, that has given me a voice. well, what feels to be my voice.

i have learned to built this form of strength and confidence, one that is separate from appearance. it’s one where i fought to be this person, but i also understand what i’ve survived. i am here. i fought to be here.

it feels kind of sad that it took me this long to get here. it doesn’t change how proud of myself i am, but it makes me feel bad i didn’t learn this sooner.

anyways, letting go. a few weeks ago, i had this clarity of cutting out this friend of mine. he, in the short time i knew him, was probably not a person that was good to me or for me. maybe even after a few chances, i should have known and saved myself the heartache (and panic attack). in the past, when this stuff happened in the past, i didn’t realize how used to normality toxicity was to me because that was my constant state at home. that was my home life. and recently, i had this clarity again. i had let him go, but i hadn’t fully accepted that that friendship was over. it still held a weight over me. it felt like i was finally coming to a point in my life where i was letting go and allowing myself to heal. i am now okay. i have accepted that friendship was over, and i had grieved that loss. i have committed to having him blocked on any accounts he can possibly connect with me on because i know he is not a good person for me, and not everyone deserves a second chance. the truth is he had many chances to change prior. today, i realized i can appreciate all the little things now like how he use to cook for me all the time and how i would bake him snacks. i hate that you can have these genuine memories with someone but recognize that “hey, this has reached its end.” the idea of permanence scared me. i wasn’t ready for the idea that he’d never be around again. i think this is the part in healing i’m at now is that i will be okay without him - even if he doesn’t think so, i deserve better - even if no one thinks so, and i’m at peace with it. i made the right decision for me. i chose the path that didn’t subject me to gaslighting and fighting, one that wasn’t verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative. i am learning it’s okay that those connections end. i learned that i’m allowed to choose in favor of myself - not the relationship. i was learning to break the cycle. the cycle of repairing as i did with my family. it finally feels freeing. i feel so happy that i am, through so much therapy, choosing my mental health over connections. self love.

i feel like i started this path with no self-love. i had no trust in the process, and i felt like after a few months, i was building the foundation to healthier thoughts and lifestyle choices FOR ME, but i hadn’t really felt the self love. the type of self love that’s proud of herself in her journey, in her person, in her style, and in her thoughts. i think when i found how to let go, i began to feel the self love. i never thought i’d feel that way. i had only known a life of unhealthy, abusive, toxic circles, and i want to build towards healthier ones. i don’t want to repeat those anymore, and it’s wild how much therapy has taught me to make healthier choices and habits. i can see how much work i have to do, but i feel like for once, the best is yet to come. genuinely. genuinely-genuinely. i can make things better than they are, and i didn’t think i was ever capable of “not destroying everything”, but i somehow feel like i’m figuring out how to be happy. it’ll be okay, and i don’t feel anger anymore. i’m learning about building and having boundaries, and i’m finally doing well of keeping them. for myself. for my protection.

it’s kind of silly even writing about it, but i suppose it’s really hard to see how deep some traumas are. i didn’t realize how deep under i was when i was drowning, how close to the edge of death i was, how tough it was growing up until recently. i think i’ll continually to recognize more of the abuse and hurt as i grow up and that trauma and healing is a forever thing. i like that i’m learning i don’t deserve to live in that constant state of trauma and left it. i am learning that though i left the place, i hadn’t learnt to recognize or let go the mind, the trauma, the guilt, the pain. it’s been a few years since i’ve moved out, and i feel like i’m slowly learning to break the cycle. i am healing, and i’m learning to be healthy. these are habits i am learning now in life. i knew your 20s was for learning about yourself and self love, but i feel like i’m finally getting there. i gotta learn patience and trust the process more. i feel so much lighter. i feel so lucky to believe in myself. i feel like i got this for once. i don’t feel like it’s a lie anymore. i fought for this. healthier mental health choices. i deserve to be safe in my mind. it seems so silly. i didn’t think that i could ever experience life without depression and toxic patterns. i am recognizing how much power i hold now in my own path, and i was scared because i never felt i had it. i feel like i’m finally moving on from years and years of trauma. it’s been a lot of grieving and mourning, but fuck, what the fuck. what the fuck. i feel the most myself in a long time. if ever.

#personal #why am i ranting on tumblr lmao #been too in my thoughts #but i’m committed to myself ok #my weird ass needs to stop this nonsense lol

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I just wanna go on more adventures. Be around good energy. Connect with people. Learn new things. Grow.

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Lofoten, Norway

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