caitrose

[caitrose]

(for the purposes of this poll, there is no monkey's paw situation: the chore you pick stays the same level of difficulty/grossness/etc. as it normally is for you, and you only have to do it as often as you want to. the chores you don't pick are magically done for you exactly the way you'd want them to be, just with zero effort on your part.)

#laundry #well I actually stopped folding my clothes and putting them in the drawer #for all my clothes that are ‘in rotation’ (so not fancy or out of season) I just sort them into baskets #since I started doing that laundry isn’t even hard for me anymore highly recommend

[caitrose]

despite everything, it’s still you.

#yeah okay I watched the Dan comedy show and I cried when he got weirdly and profoundly emotional at the end like I’m 17 again or something #what r u gonna do about it #dnp were so important to me at a really hard time in my life and seeing how far he’s come (well both of them but I related more to Dan) #makes me really emotional. what he’s doing is so important. and facing the world baring the depths of your soul is fucking brave #anyway this is gorgeous

[caitrose]

Far worse, in my opinion, than the famous “he wouldn’t fucking say that” is “he WOULD fucking say that, as part of his facade, but you seem to think he would mean it genuinely”

[caitrose]

At some point in your life, you were taught that being slightly annoying is an unforgivable sin. Maybe it was by your parents or a teacher or a friend or a bully or an older sibling. But someone taught you that being slightly annoying is a crime punishable by death.

You must unlearn this.

You must accept that all people will be annoying at some point or another in their lives, maybe all of their lives, and that this is okay. It is okay for strangers on the bus, it is okay for children in the grocery store, it is okay for people on social media, and it is okay for you.

If you ever want to truly love your fellow humans, if you ever want to truly love yourself, you must have forgiveness for being annoying.

[caitrose]

Actually no I’m not leaving this in the tags

SU Future Jasper is so so sexy

looks at this specific frame of jasper being Hyuge and i get lightheaded

#su future #she’s so fucked up (I want her to hold me in her massive arms and possibly crush me to dust)

[caitrose]

looks at this specific frame of jasper being Hyuge and i get lightheaded

#god remember Jasper in SU Future? every single second of her onscreen was storyboarded by a serious Jasper Enjoyer #and they drew her like a dbz villain. it was great. everyone say thank you to the storyboarders of Little Homeschool and Fragments #Drew Green Paul Villeco Lamar Abrams & Miki Brewster I owe you my life thank you for those Extremely Good Jaspers

[caitrose]

#like idc when I tell people my name and they assume it’s spelled Kate. that’s the normal way. whatever. #when I tell people my full name and they assume it’s spelled Caitlynn or Katelyn or some shit I go crazy #Caitlin is an Irish name and that is how it is spelled. idc if other people spell it differently but they should have to specify. #I should not. my way is the normal way. fuck u.

[caitrose]

Trump would be such a good drag queen like just such an unbelievably incredible and talented drag queen it's such a bummer that he's decided to be a fascist and a threat to democracy because that cunt would devour at the House of Yes

such a loss

#I love this post so much and you really can’t say this anywhere outside this website but it’s so right

[caitrose]

Idk I feel like the reveal of mega evolution coming back is up there

any time i feel like shit i just rewatch the vid of those people in new york reacting to sans undertale being confirmed for smash. like the exact second megalovania starts you can see all stages of grief diluted into dionysian ecstasy. it's Incredible

#I love going back to both these videos #the way the legends z-a trailer was precision engineered for the best reactions… #how if you were looking close you could tell it was lumiose city like 10 seconds before it zoomed out to show the tower #the way there was juuuuuuust enough time to process that there was a new legends game and it faded to black then the MEGA LOGO #and that’s all they needed. god I hope legends z-a is gonna be good. they have a whole year. #I’m sure they’ve been sitting on megas for a long time waiting for the right time to bring them back

[caitrose]

I’d like to also point out that distance running is harder if you’re bad at it. Like, for someone who’s decently fast, they can finish a half marathon in an hour, hour and a half or so. And that’s hard! Over an hour straight of cardio!

But if you’re slow? It’ll take over three hours. I don’t know about you, but I’d call three hours of running harder than one, no matter how much slower you were doing it.

You can even scale that down. A fast 5k takes 15-20 minutes. A slow one takes 30-40+.

Damn right last place is still an achievement.

Apparently there was some kind of race scheduled at a local park or something so I've been trying to avoid the main trail but a little while ago when I had to cross near it I overheard the following shouted exchange

Higher feminine voice: woo, look at you go! You're jogging! Keep it up!

Lower masculine voice (panting): you know it! Last place is still a place, baby!

And goddamn if that didn't rewire my brain a little bit.

Last place is still a place, baby.

[caitrose]

when i came out as trans i had an old friend from my church days message me to congratulate me and ask me for my name and pronouns. and i was shocked tbh cause he was such a head-deep-up-the-church’s ass kind of guy so i was super wary.

and after digging a little deeper i found out that he was very supportive of transness, saying that trans men are men and trans women are women

BUT

he also believed in the church’s gender roles meaning that trans women had to marry men and be submissive wives and trans men had to marry women and be strong christian husbands.

which is like ????

the weirdest and most surreal form of trans inclusive misogyny i’ve ever seen.

#‘trans women are women and they belong in the kitchen’ is such an insane take it’s kind of hilarious #trans inclusive radical misogyny

[caitrose]

you have to stay alive. you're going to be such a beautiful middle aged freak. young freaks will see you in the street and know that things can be okay.

[caitrose]

[caitrose]

As a female martial artist, when I see artists draw female characters preparing to do any sort of martial arts, and they’re wearing any bra other than a hardcore high-impact sports bra (especially if they’re decently endowed), I’m like…their titty gonna fall out. It straight gonna fall out. Seen it happen. It’s a real problem. Lots of movement and impact–you gotta make the proper adjustments. Some ladies even wear two sports bras, like the yoga kind and then the running kind. Definitely not anything low-cut cuz…that titty? Gonna fall out.

#used to be in a girls choir with a lot of high cardio dancing. we all wore strapless leotards underneath for ease of costume changing #anyone with bigger than an A cup fucking DUCT TAPED *AND* DOUBLE SIDED TAPED THOSE SUCKERS ON. it was the only way #so strapless outfits on female characters is a particular peeve of mine. #HIGH IMPACT SPORTS BRA WITH A RACERBACK OR NOTHIN #this is only tangentially relevant so I’m leaving it in the tags

[caitrose]

Unfortunately this is funny as hell

#lmao oof

[caitrose]

They actually still make aquanet, although I’m pretty sure the entire consumer base nowadays is theatre kids and dancers because of how firm the hold is and how stiff it makes your hair feel

[caitrose]

Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.