carina-xvx-hellebore

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

An Open Letter to Those Who Will Never See It

I've had this scheduled for a very special day.

The five year anniversary of what I've called "the dark age" of my life.

Chances are, if you're reading this, I'm long gone already.

This is my final goodbye.

From this blog? From this site? From this Earth? Who knows?

I just needed to get my words out there.

Where do I begin...

To those happy few who actively followed my Servant blogs, thank you for everything.

Your tags and asks were the kindling that kept the fire alive, even in their final moments.

Sorry to say, but if I'm putting all cards on the table, there's one guy in particular that comes to mind above the rest. He probably knows who he is.

I'm sorry I couldn't power through on your support alone, everyone. Vaiśravaṇa knows I wanted to.

...There are going to be names from here on out. I'll put the rest under the cut. I'm baring all of my scars here. Only read if you're ready.

Val.

We never agreed on much, I'll be honest.

You had opinions that I passionately thought the opposite of.

I think you must have felt that.

Even still, your head was the most level out of damn near everyone I met.

I thank you for your patience. Your understanding.

Your words will never be forgotten.

Grace.

How I wished to be closer to you.

All of you.

How I would read all your silly messages and wish I could peer deeper.

I wanted so badly to be friends.

To forge a connection between systems.

I think... I might've even had a crush on one of you at some point.

But still.

Thank you for being here as much as you were.

Ish.

Where do I begin?

You've been so loyal.

The first friend I ever made in this hellscape.

No matter how many storms I've weathered, I consider it such a miracle that I've never lost you.

Not a day goes by where I don't regret not having a better social battery.

Maybe in another life I would have reached out more.

Maybe what we could have had then would be even more special, somehow.

I hope someday you come to understand just how important you are, despite my failure to convey it.

Until that day comes, though...

Eyes up, Guardian.

Mellow.

The truth is that the others... saw things in you.

Things that they feared.

Things that... we feared.

Things that... seemed hateful. Unsafe.

Against the things we stood for.

But no matter what they believed, I always wanted to believe the best in you.

Even now... I still do.

I'm sorry I couldn't reach out to you more.

Jade loved you too much to be strong should we have faced you again.

Viola.

A radiance unmatched.

Your energy, your positivity, your quirks and all were contagious.

I'm sorry we never got to play Monster Hunter together.

It was one of the things I truly wished for most.

Just my luck that it never happened.

HXDAW gang, of which there are many.

Thank you for welcoming me.

Truth be told, when I first started this whole thing... I was scared.

I was terrified.

But you were all so warm.

There is nothing I wouldn't give to have that back now.

Sorry for... making such a mess.

Good thing I'm easy to forget.

...

Jen. Rhyan.

I know you will never see this.

Years have passed.

I still dream of you.

The chance I never got to say a proper goodbye.

You were my best friends.

And I never got to tell you.

Kaitlyn. Brandon.

I'm sorry if I've misspelled either of your names.

It's been too long.

But I'll never forget your faces.

The lights you brought to my life when it was at its second-darkest.

I'll confess I've crushed on both of you at separate points.

I'm sorry you had to put up with my bullshit.

I was probably a creep most of the time you knew me.

But you four...

You were my family when I needed one most.

Please.

Stay in my memories until the end.

I won't forget all that you meant.

...

Faye.

My beautiful, darling Faye.

I never forgot about you.

I could never forget.

I loved you until the end.

You have every right to not believe me.

But I will swear it to the heavens until the moment I expire.

I always loved you.

I always will.

They dragged me kicking and screaming away from you.

But I never told them.

I never told them that sometimes...

I still look up to the moon at night.

And I sing.

For you.

Please keep my voice in your thoughts if you can.

I will always keep yours in mine.

...

Matsuri.

I'm sorry.

I wanted... so badly.

So desperately.

To be your friend.

To be close to you.

To maybe even be besties.

I never had the energy.

I never had the courage.

I could never reach out as much as I wanted to.

And now they've taken you from me.

I worry.

I worry what they've told you.

I worry what my seven-year abuser has filled your head with.

I worry about whether or not you even talk to the others anymore.

I worry that they feel as though I split you all apart.

When all I wanted was to bring you all together.

Please be safe.

Please do what's best for you.

Whatever you truly believe that is.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

...

...

...

Prisms Collective.

Or perhaps I should just call you GUDAGUDA.

It's all that's really left of you, after all.

I've had a lot of time to think about what I would say to you if I ever saw your sorry excuse for a soul again.

Even though I know you would never so much as glance at me ever again.

Even though I know that even if you did, all you would do is laugh.

But I know you now.

Better than you know yourself.

...You killed her.

You killed the girl I loved.

Slowly.

Over time.

But you killed her and I never got to say goodbye.

I never got to tell her I'm sorry for failing to save her.

You are an unhealthy system.

A parasite feeding off of self-harm and refusal to face consequences for your own actions.

It all started with Dusk, didn't it?

And following that was a series of desperate, destructive coping mechanisms that you still can't see through.

No matter how you started...

No matter what followed...

I hope you end with something much worse.

Knowing that you had forsaken the one place you could have called home whenever you fell.

Knowing that the girl who hosted you and now lies rotting forever was the only thing that could have saved you.

Knowing that you will never be the heroes of this story, no matter who you lie to.

And on that day, when the seventh sun finally sets on your miserable little lie of a life,

I hope you remember me.

And I hope that the girl I loved resurfaces, just for a moment.

And I hope that she knows that in the afterlife, someone will have been waiting.

Waiting for decades.

Just to tell her.

"You're not alone."

The maw of the void is already open.

And Ammit cannot wait to finish what you started.

...

Hazel.

I've said all I can to you already.

The rest is up to you now.

Please take care of them all.

Humor a tired soul one last time.

And maybe we'll see each other again someday.

Goodbye.

Goodbye everyone.

And thank you.

For being

the best bet

that I

ever

lost.

#when the storm draws nigh #dreams will shatter before your eyes #know that #you're not alone #when the battle starts #I will comfort your restless heart #you'll know that you are home

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

carina hellebore was a mistake

#precious pink rose

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

Hey, so, different person here, just wanted to say.

This was not suicide.

This was an attempt on our friend's life.

If she doesn't make it, she was murdered.

I just want everyone to know that.

She was murdered.

She was murdered.

She was murdered.

And the killers will forever walk free like they did nothing wrong.

#this isn't a meme or a funny post. carina is dead and someone else killed her.

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

There's no easy way to say this.

I won't get into specifics, but about two days ago, the original owner of this blog attempted to take her own life.

She wanted something posted today. She planned it for weeks. So I'm going to post it.

But after that, it is highly unlikely that either this blog, the Jalter blog, or the personal writing blog will have anything new for the foreseeable future.

I'm sorry.

We, at least on our end, did everything we could.

But it's over.

#we all loved you so #we carry you in our words #we speak with a grace #you gave unto the world #we find your face #in moments flashing by #we all wish to speak #to hear you one more time

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

Stay with me

for tonight,

even if you

miss your flight.

Counting stars

in your eyes,

since my nights don't

shine as bright

when you're gone.

I feel

your galaxy from here,

and all

the stars etched in your spine

that show me how

to escape

from the depths of

this space.

So do I

get to kiss

you, like I am

sorry?

Or are

we just

worlds

away?

#cari's nighttime secret post hours

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

Made a compulsive sad post the other day, but I deleted it, so here's the more composed version:

I'm officially leaving tumblr.

This blog was meant to share my love for Jeanne. To show people that she's more than what everyone else says she is.

But I'm realizing this isn't the place for that.

I'm realizing that I'm basically trying to preach heavy metal to people who listen exclusively to pop music.

And that's not a bad thing to be into.

I don't think most of you are bad people.

I just know when I am—or my opinions are—not welcome.

With the constant bashing of Jeanne's character as of late (no matter where I go or who I follow I will never be able to escape the "white woman" memes), combined with the scathing messages I've received (there have been multiple but I don't want to talk about it just know that I'm not singling anyone out), I've simply decided that this hellsite just isn't for me anymore.

And again, I'm not saying "shame on all of you". No one deserves to be attacked for this. If anything, this is on me for not being able to handle this type of... "humor"(?).

Either way, effective immediately, I will no longer be present on tumblr; not here, nor on my real main.

And if you'll allow me to make one immature statement here: I wish I could say it's been fun.

But regardless, I wish you all the best.

Even that one guy I blocked.

He probably knows who he is.

And maybe someday,

some fateful day,

I'll see you all starside again.

Have a good one, guys.

— @carina-xvx-hellebore

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

KNOCK KNOCK

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

Astolfo Mood Board

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

@hellasugoiyo

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

if you do the cooking by the book,

then you’ll

have a

b͘͏҉̷ŕ̡̧e͢͜҉͡à͘͜͡͞ķ͟͢͠ ̷̸̀͘ì̷͝t̡̨͝ ̀͞҉͜d͏͡ó̵̡͟͢ẁ̵͜͡͠ņ̶̴̛͜ ̸̨̧͘͟b̡́͟͠i̴̶̢t̀̕c̀̕͜͝h҉́̕҉̀ ̵̷͞l̀͢e҉̕t̵̴̛͢ ̸̀m҉̷͘͜e̵̶̶̕ ̛͝s̨͘͝e̴̶͞e̢̕͞ ̧̡y͘͡҉o͏̵̡́u̧̢͡ ́͞͠b͘͢͞a͏c̕͜k̸̸͟͢ ̸̕͞į͜t̵́̀̀͠ ̷̧̢͠͞ù̵̧҉͠p̶̀͝͏̛

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

what if you had blue hair and pronouns and i had red hair and pronouns and we fought in the rain

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

reblog in case you need these

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

I think ariana grande needs to be put down like a lame horse

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

what happened to old youtubers you watched as a kid

good endings:

they’re still making the same content but with higher production values and they’re still enjoyable

they stopped making videos but successfully moved on to bigger and better things

bad endings:

they turned out to be really bigoted and are now pandering to the alt-right/center-right

they hardcore sold out and now they shill for like 12,000 separate products

neutral endings:

they’re still making the same content but it turns out they were never funny and you just had a bad sense of humor as a kid

they became a twitch streamer

they removed themselves from social media entirely and you find out after a bit of digging that they fucked off to the woods or some shit

#pour one out for all those nuggets in biscuits

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

Yeah, I AM a dead thing, made of a dead power, in the shape of the dead. And all I'll ever do is kill. What a bout it?

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

got doki doki + yesterday and it made me really nostalgic