carolinefawcett

[carolinefawcett]

elliedowson:

One of those, then.

Okay.

#ellie

[carolinefawcett]

You’re different, Lila. You’re -- you were always going to find loves. You have a huge heart for that. It’s -- it’s infuriating, really, how you can always find the good in people. And be open and there and willing and ready and you want it. I’m ... I’m not -- like that. I’m not trying to dramatize anything. I just ... 

Being with -- him, being with him, it wasn’t anything I ever ... 

I just think maybe you only get one chance at a soulmate in life, and I’m not saying I’ll end up a spinster. But no one’s going to compare. He -- threw away something. That’s as close to perfect either of us are getting, and I’m angry at him for it, and I’ll speak for him, because he won’t do better than me in -- in Austr-- he’s gone. He’s really gone.

I don’t think I ever told you this, but after Gideon and I broke up, well, I had a collection of his shirts, and something just took over me and I burned them. I was rather drunk. But I was so angry, because I so desperately wanted it to work out. I wanted him to love as much as I loved him, and it didn’t happen. So I lashed out on the closest thing I had that reminded me of him. His shirts.

It’s okay to be mad. Just eat a scone while you are.

#sorry this is all over the place jesus christ #someone give me my girl back .__. #lila

[carolinefawcett]

I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with anything. I spent both days this weekend at various shops and places, even secondhand stores, just trying to find something. Anything. It’s -- I feel indifferent. I don’t know what I think anymore. It’s -- it’s infuriating. I’m -- I’m so --

I’m mad, Lila. I’m so mad at him. I’m so damn mad.

Can I help?

#in which caroline employs my technique #of accessing anger instead of sadness #lila

[carolinefawcett]

I need a change. I just don’t know what it is yet. 

It’s um–different in here. Redecorating?

#they look extra related in these gifs #lila

[carolinefawcett]

Oh. Good. Thank you.

I just, uh, wanted to give you some scones, and tell you that your record player is doing fine.

#lila

[carolinefawcett]

Lila?

Care?

#opening the door #more just the first part of this not so much shaking her head #lila

[carolinefawcett]

I want something different. I have a bunch tucked away in a drawer, they were from Lila ages ago, and I hated the colors. Too bright and loud for me, but I didn’t want to be rude and toss them.

Your favourite.

#ellie

[carolinefawcett]

Well, the entire last year is beginning to feel – Never mind. What color?

If we could do that, wouldn’t life become extraordinarily pointless?

#ellie

[carolinefawcett]

elliedowson:

I never sugarcoat anything. I normally do it all by hand- I find it relaxing- unless I’m in a rush.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to remember any of it. I want to go back in time a year and -- and re-do it. 

#but w her hands w ellie #ellie

[carolinefawcett]

You don’t have to sugarcoat it just because I’m sad. They’re chipped, they’re horrible.

Magic to take it off. It’s cleaner, faster. But I like painting them the muggle way. It’s satisfying.

They aren’t so bad

Do you have remover, or do you do it with magic normally?

#ellie

[carolinefawcett]

I’m a mess.

I’ll tell the realtor.

Let me do your nails?

#but there's a small nod in there like yes pls #like im a mess my fuckin nails are chipped #ellie

[carolinefawcett]

Caroline resisted the hug only briefly, her body stiff before she breathed into the solace that was offered. How pathetic she must be, Caroline thought, knowing full well neither were particularly inclined towards superfluous acts of touching. And giving into the warmth that Ellie provided was, admittedly, nice. She drew her arms around her small frame and clutched desperately-- as if all the answers lay somewhere deep inside her friend's make-up. And if anyone were going to have answers, she supposed it would be the Ravenclaw. There was a reason she hadn't reached out to neither of the Frost girls, none of her dormmates. She exhaled a shaky breath, her cheeks flushed with the exertion of will power that was required to keep her tears at bay. Pathetic, she thought again. Absolutely pathetic. She was a Fawcett, she was Caroline Fawcett. She didn't give up on herself. She despised who she was becoming in this time of confusion and extreme emotion. She hated how her heart hurt constantly. She hated that everything was a reminder. She hated that she gave so much of herself to someone who couldn't give enough back.

Because that's what it was, wasn't it? In the end, Caroline gave everything to him and yet it wasn't enough. She wasn't enough to erase the pain of Rose, and she hated herself for thinking she should've been.

She had to sit down. She pulled back from Ellie, her eyes burning and her head in pain. Her throat stung with the words she wanted to say but didn't know how. "Duncan's getting married in April." Her voice was strained and she studied her hands in her lap. Her nails were chipped, yet another indication of how much she was failing herself. When she spoke again, Caroline's voice had gone up several octaves, weak. "Finally, I mean. He's been engaged. Duncan's getting married, Lila's married, and I can't bring myself to tell the realtor we-- I don't want the house. I don't know how to make this place mine again. It doesn't feel like mine. It isn't fair. This isn't fair."

#;__; a hug #also sorry feels and words #ellie

[carolinefawcett]

This feels impossible. I don't know how to -- This –

When we broke up, he carried on calling me Ellie, even though he stopped being- it was a different sort of relationship, for us both. But we ended things mutually, and stayed friends, and- I didn’t mind, him calling me Ellie. And then I got his wedding invitation, and he’d addressed it to Ellie, and signed it from them both. Ellie was special. Not for her, but for him. I hated El after that, told everyone to stop calling me it. I took back Ellie. Looking back it seems so stupid, but it’s what I needed to do, to make it feel better that the person I’d thought for so long I would marry was marrying someone else. I had to take it back, make it all seem less important, or special. Take back what you need to. Your space- let’s- move things around, and paint, and- make it yours again.

#ellie #im pretty sure the phrase ''marry someone else' just set her in #a slight panic #sigh :(( my girllll

[carolinefawcett]

Oh-- kay. 

Everyone used to call me El. All my friends, colleagues, if I liked them, teachers at school. Only a few people called me Ellie- my family, my very closest friends, and Simon.

#just listening mostly #and that's a muttered slash confused 'ok' #not in a rude like ok bitch thanks for the story #shes just waiting #ellie

[carolinefawcett]

I don’t – Everything feels off. Everything’s … It’s like I’m on autopilot. I got drunk on Saturday. I hate myself right now. I’m second guessing everything. He’s everywhere, Ellie. Everywhere.

Everything has to get felt eventually.

#Ellie

[carolinefawcett]

I don’t know what to do.

Is that a good idea?

#ellie #her voice is really small here and just like #idk defeated

[carolinefawcett]

If I tell myself I would, it’s -- it hurts a little less. Barely less, but I’ll take anything right now.

Would you?

#ellie