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causesciencethatswhy · 2 days

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Oh gosh this post is getting me emotional 🥹

Love exists

A few months ago, I received an ask talking about “queer men”, stating that they’re known for casual, not-lasting relationships and that they don’t usually commit to a single partner. I don’t remember anon’s exact words, but it was so messed up and disrespectful that I decided to post just a screenshot of its first lines, to express my disgust and reply without actually disturbing people’s timelines with all that shit.

Lately I’ve tried to inform myself more and be more aware of what the members are actually going through. I wanted to distance myself from all the catastrophic, hell-like scenarios people talk about when they refer to the military life; but I also wanted to consider and reflect on that side, for what it is and isn’t, and for what we can (or at least I can) know, because being honest means admitting that’s not the best environment to be in right now. Mentally, physically, politically speaking as well. The world’s a tense nerve and I dare to say the big majority of the men in there would have chosen to stay home, living their own lives. As Jimin said, “it’s not like I want to: I have to go”.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that it has to be done, or at least I’m getting there. 4 out of 5 stages of grief. Videos of Namjoon pop up on my twitter and I watch them. I don’t know if I’m supposed to or not, but I do. And my first thought is “I miss him”, even though new music is coming and we’ve got content to enjoy of 10+ years worth and it’s not like we shared the same neighborhood anyways. But the truth is I miss the life I know he’s missing. I almost and probably hyperbolically feel like I’m the one who has to go through intense training and early alarms waiting for a free weekend to visit a museum. Because I know he would choose art if he could, instead of arms.

And the more I think about it, the more my brain’s crossed by the same thought-sequence each time: they’re serving and they’re away, they’re gonna settle and come back quickly, I hope they’re safe.

But with Jimin and Jungkook the thought sequence is different, and I catch my brain correcting itself everytime. Cause sometimes I’m eating and ask myself how Jungkook’s doing in those kitchens, and some very often times I start thinking about Jimin cutting his hair the very last day available, and realize how discreetly but honestly he showed his mixed and negative feelings about the departure. I feel the same way I do for the others, that gut thing that hurts my stomach a bit, for a few seconds. Or the resigned expression on my face making me frown.

But then I remember they’re together. And it was so unexpected for me that even now, now that we’ve known for a while, it’s not foregone. I need to remember myself it happened, it’s happenening, they chose each other, and give myself some selfish comfort.

They’re not attached to the hip, that’s a fact. They have different jobs and times, probably interact with different groups of people most of the time and I’m sure they’re facing individual struggles that the other won’t as well. They’re not on vacation.

But what warms my heart is that they’re always coming back to each other. Maybe some days are easier and they’re around each other, but some others are for sure more busy and require them to spend time in different areas of the camp. And even during those times they’re coming back to each other. At the end of the day that’s their peace.

I think we all imagine ourselves in others’ situations sometimes. I do that often, literally projecting my entire life and body and possible feelings/reactions into theirs. And with the members it happens often, even though my personality is probably similiar to a couple of them. During tours, for example, I’m always wondering “how would I feel on that big stage?”, or reading one of their tweet imagining how it feels to post something that gets instantly seen, reposted, commented by thousands and thousands of people.

And since Jin left I’m always thinking “how would I feel, how does it feel?”, because I don’t know what I’d do if I was the eldest of the group, the first one to enlist, and medias, journalists, press, public opinion and “fans” all gathered together criticizing me for not being enlisted yet, telling me to “just hurry up and go”, judging me and putting pressure on me in a way that I’ve probably never experienced before in my long, respect worthy and deserved career. I paved the way for each one of you fools and that’s what I get in return. I’d be mad and exhausted.

With Jimin and Jungkook I tried to imagine how I’d feel if I was thrown in this rough and crazy experience with bullets and everything all over my body, hair cut, number on the helmet and a fucking dog tag around my neck just in case the worst happens, and having someone I love, I know, I trust, I chose to be with, someone I’ve spent years with sharing moments and memories and tears and dreams, fights in the rain and all, by my side. Ending my day in a completely new, challenging, unfair (speaking in terms of principles, above all), uncomfortable environment, and seeing that same face I’ve seen growing changing crying and laughing since we were young dumb and broke. If you let me, that would heal me a little.

Now what I said at the beginning, about anon’s ask, concerns exactly this. I’ll never justify those words, never discuss about it, I’m not opened to conversation with that specific person whoever they are. But I have to admit that goes around a lot. Like a lot. “How can you believe two of the hottest men in Korea have been committed to each other for years?”, or also “why would they commit to each other when they could actually have anyone at anytime everywhere and whenever they want, for one night?”. And I get it, fast food-love-feelings-everything capitalistic society’s idiot, you want that dopamine now and you want it all just to let it go by the morning and crave it again at night. I see it. Lasting things are boring and who wants to be bored and sad, when you can fly high all the time.

My relaxed, white-flag, fast answer right now would just be that love exists. And I’m talking about every healthy, pure, real form of love. Loving books or loving people, loving your cat or loving your mom. It exists and it must be such a crazy chemical reaction for people to experience, because that love made Jimin and Jungkook respect and take care of each other since 2013, even when we couldn’t see it, when it was fresh, new, when it needed attentions and time and surely made them make mistakes like a kid growing up learning he can’t scream in the streets or make doodles on his house’s walls.

I’ve always seen their love as something they’ve raised together. Because it’s easy to fall in love, but loving everyday is a choice and that exact choice for them specifically was harder than it would be for someone else, not in their position. But now I see and believe it’s mature. That love which started from teasing and pushing, flirting, refusing trips or hugs but shyly hugging at night sharing the bed, is now a big boy. It will continue to grow up, it could change shape, it could last forever. As partners, as friends, as people who literally built each other’s lives adding pieces of memories to their stories. Jimin’s helping Jungkook doing his life’s puzzle and viceversa and that’s so, so, so tender. Something deep and pure keeps them tied to each other in the most healthy and committed way I’ve ever seen.

When I replied to that anon, someone in the comments (I don’t wanna bother people with any annoying notification, but the username was something like @/onthecuterside. I hope they don’t mind me mentioning), shared something so beautiful and true that it’s still stuck in my mind. “If you want endless repetition, see different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one”. A quote from Joni Mitchell. This comment went on talking about the fact that in a long relationship, things die and are rekindled, and this shared process of “rebirth” deepens the love. It’s hard. Sometimes you feel like you can’t stand the person you love anymore and you start thinking they’re assholes. You look like an asshole to them as well. But once you go through it (I’d add when the love is worth doing so), you get closer, you learn a new way of loving each other, warmer and deeper. And that’s when you understand how much the other means to you.

I’m not under their bed neither I’d want to be. So I can’t say if they’ve already experienced this phase or not. We’ve seen periods of tension and moments that looked like break ups, but I can’t bet on it. The only thing I feel like knowing for sure is that they nurture their love every day, in such a gentle, spontaneous but attentive way, that I can’t even describe it. And it’s unique when you realize that, at one point, it doesn’t matter anymore if they’re actually dating or not, opinions about it all die screaming. It’s love, period, and they’re proof it exists.

“They’ll get tired of each other after spending 18 months together”. While my actual thought when I realized (because I didn’t realize as soon as I knew) they enlisted together was: “they’re gonna fall in love with each other again”. They’re gonna crave support and familiarity, someone with their same sense of humor, who understands them and has always done so, they’re gonna meet new good people who are doing what they have to do, just like them, but none of them could ever compare to someone you met when you were 15. They’re gonna need each other and find each other right there.

I know for sure they’re sitting next to each other before bed time, when the sun is down and that forest-like place they’re living in goes quiet, and they’re sharing with each other the new parts of themselves coming out. And that’s when they’ll get to know each other again, and disagree, and relate, and feel understood, seen, heard, and that’s when they’ll have no distractions, absolutely nothing, phone available just for a few hours, and that’s when they’re gonna fall in love again.

“They’ll get tired of each other”. Oh boy. Oh man. They chose each other for years and travelled together before enlisting together, with the companion system they chose to apply to, risking it all and knowing damn well the price they had to pay for it: being together, cool, but in one of the hardest units. And the decision was made anyways. At the end of the day this bond is such a pure celebration of love that nothing touches me anymore. It really was the last piece of the puzzle. They did it privately, quietly, they protected themselves all the time, they had nothing to prove or show to anyone.

When we found out about it, I got reminded of Jungkook’s birthday live when Jin brought him grapes. He told Jungkook: “I’m the only one visiting you, none else came”. And Jungkook nodding, laughing, not denying. But when Jin asked him who visited, name by name, Jungkook confessed Jimin and Hobi had actually been there. Man was like “if you ask me I’ll tell you, nothing to hide. Until then, I keep it low and safe”. And I’m not only talking about Jimin. Jungkook didn’t mention Hobi either. It’s just their way of being, their attitude. If people have nothing to do with who visits Jungkook on his birthday or doesn’t, why would he share that?

Because that’s how it works when you have nothing to prove and your relationships work and live beyond the public space. You protect what you gotta protect, do what you gotta do, and what comes out comes out, what doesn’t doesn’t. And of course we need to take consideration of context: Jikook earned a certain status and reputation, but they still have limits and restrictions that we don’t always see.

There are also endless times when Jimin and Jungkook spent time together and we found out months, days, even years later. And this is why I kept saying “they owe us nothing” to that anon asking how they could ever handle public eye and living together, hypothetically, in the new mansion Jungkook’s getting built.

Jimin and Jungkook enlisted together for themselves, they chose it for their own sake and safety. They knew it was gonna come out, and still, no public statements, no justification. No mention except for Jimin, rapidly, the day before leaving. But why would they? They didn’t do it for us. For you. We have nothing to do with this we’re just sticking our noses in. I’m doing it too lol.

So next time people will piss me off about their bond and love, I’ll follow Jimin and Jungkook’s rules. I do my shit, stay sane and cool, leaving the bitching outside the door. Cause at the end of the day it’s me and my baby that matter, not their moaning. At the end of the day this should have never turned into a ship proving type of thing, into a fandom war, goddamn we should’ve all celebrated it. Treat it with care. All we should be thinking about is for them to stay safe, healthy, sane, praying and hoping they’ll be back before the world fucking explodes.

And if there was a better and warmer way to go through all of this, all the fear and discomfort, and it was together, I can’t see why Jimin and Jungkook shouldn’t have chosen it. I can’t see why people can’t appreciate things worth of support, despite personal opinions or shipping sides. While you’re kicking your feet people keep loving each other and doesn’t it feel like a waste of energy to you?

I’m just so glad love exists, and I’m really willing to gradually stop caring of anything else outside and stay on my floating island cheering for it. Avoidant coping mechanisms but I swear I’ll speak up if needed. I’m just glad I can witness its pure nature between these two young men, in different ways everytime among them all, and I’m glad we’re always talking about choices here, nothing like codependency or toxicity. I’m so glad I can acknowledge this is way too special and delicate to become or be treated as everything it’s not, except for what it is.

#i just think that whatever tge status of their relationship may be #its a type of love very few people get to experience

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