chanttyfemme - Tumblr blog

chanttyfemme · 5 years

Text

Leaving an abusive relationship. A stream of thought.

You know what is so crazy about dating a guy like you? You were so effective about making me feel like shit that you are still doing it to this day 2 years later and I have not even spoken with you. You put your toxic shit so deeply in to my brain that I am repeating the bullshit that you said to me and you’re not even here.

When I was 25 years old I had lived with a condition call vaginismus for 9 years. Vaginismus is the involuntary contraction of the vagina mussels that makes penetrative sex impossible or extremely painful. I found out that I had vaginismus after trying to put a tampon in when I was 16 years old. Although, to be honest I knew I had it when I was younger. My mom used to yell at me to get my tampon in and I never could. My Oma, being more understanding, let the tampon issue slide. She didn't believe in them anyways. Oma said that I could use them after I got married and I didn’t need to use them now.

I grew up religious so I was fine with that. When I met my first boyfriend at the age of 19, we didn’t really start considering having sex until I we were about 20-21. It never worked. He couldn’t even touch me down there without me having a full blown panic attack. We stayed together for four years and he never held vagnismus against me. Even though my relationships would be rocky from that point on, he set me up for relationship success because I knew that men like Jake existed. I always remembered that there once was a guy who treated me well and I thank him for that. I knew that I would find the right guy for me because of dating JC.

However, JC wanted to have 5 kids and live in our small town forever. I wanted to move out and on wards in life. In my pursuit of a better life, I met plenty of guys along the way. For some, vaginismus never came up, since they were on the more conservative religious side. One guy I tried to hook up with told me it was in my head and that I would get over it. Although it’s not that simple, thank you friend, you made me feel better after a rather shity experience.

I bounced around for a bit until I found my first romance out of high school. My 32 year old boyfriend at 23. First of all, any time a guy nearly ten years older then you wants to date you ladies, please watch out! There are women who can handle older men with no issues. For me though, I was green.

I have no idea why he wanted to be with me besides the obvious reasons. He knew about my condition and he tired to help me in his own way. However, looking back this was a weird ass relationship with a 32 year old man that had no real job or direction. He never took me out, he never made me feel special - he was kind of a loser. 4 years later he would en up trying to pick up my friend in a coffee shop. She declined and he wouldn't stop texting her for a few weeks. Weird person, hard to go through being hurt by hi, at the time and he was 100 percent not “normal”. However, noting would prepare me for what was coming next.

I made a wonderful friendship with a man that was kind and sweet. Him and I were not going anywhere as far as a real relationship was concerned - I had vaginisums and he had depression. However, it was a nice friendship and a good time - until he started getting confused. He would say he wanted to see other people but would get upset when I did. We would call each other daily at one point and then he would pull back. Then I would start seeing someone else and he would come jump in to my life again. He was a nice man, with a good heart but he didn’t love me like I wanted him to. I think I confused him. After all, living with vaginisumus is hard on the other person as well. He didn't want to get too close because he knew I could not commit to him.

Nevertheless, I moved on to date another man. This time, the man was 35 and I was 25. Once again, just my experience but this is a HUGE warning sign for a girl like me. I made 15 dollars an hour at the time and I had very little life experience. I had low self confidence and I was just starting to figure things out. I had no idea that I was about to go through the most terrible relationship of my life. Things I learned:

1. Pressure: Alan would pressure me for everything. I did not want to be in a relationship and Alan forced me to be in one. I was very happy just seeing guys and have things not going anywhere romantically. I liked the friendships I had and I was working full time on vaginismus. Alan would GUILT me to spend time with him. Lets talk about GUILT. GUILT does not mean he would threaten me, it means he would guilt me in to spending time with him. I would prioritize my career and he would get mad if I cancelled. I would tell him I was not ready for sex and instead of telling me he did not want to see me anymore or leaving it alone he would call it an ‘excuse’. He never recognized the genuine anxiety of vagnismus. He would talk about having kids and literally scream at me when I said I wanted to live in the city and might not want to give kids. I was 25 years old.

2. I was afraid to talk. I was afraid to set Alan off. He would not let me stand up for myself. He would walk away mid sentence if he didn’t hear something he liked. I was scared of him when he was angry,

3, I became dependent on him. He made me feel like no one would put up with my vaginismus. Even after we broke up, I would try to explain how much he hurt me and he would never accept how much it hurt being treated so badly just because I had vagninismus.

4. Sexually abusive. Alan would yell at me when things did not work out sexually. He would leaving me crying after trying to make it work several times and I would be devastated.

5. Alan picked on my physical appearance by calling me fat, saying I need to shave my vagina hair and saying things about my lips and face. I was constantly criticized.

6. Getting mad when I had no money even though he made way more money then me.

Dear Alan, I hope you never become a father. If you do, I hope your daughter never meets a man like you so that she never had to go through what you have put me though. I hope your sons hold respect for women that you do not. I hope your wife and children do not live in fear of you like I did. I hope a woman has to strength to convey this to you that I did not.

PAUSE

One day I cheated on Alan. I don’t regret it. I met up with my friend after a particularly bad fight on the phone. Alan was screaming at me for being upset. He was always so controlling and never allowed me to be upset. I was always fake happy around him.

Fernando, the guy right before Alan, came and spoke with me. We kissed but not much more. He said to me, what are you doing? Why are you staying with this man? You think you have no options because of vagninsmus. This is treatable and you are hindering your treatment by experiencing more abuse.

I left Alan the next day. Even though I still was confused and he continued to hurt me and treat me poorly. Even though I would slip up and confuse my emotions I was one step closer to freedom.

I stayed with Fernando for a while then met my husband. I have a deep love for Fernando. A wonderful friend who treated me fairly.

TO VAGINISMUS PEOPLE. You do not need a PARTNER to beat vagnismus. I was treated much better by my lover. People will pick on you if they see you have low self confidence. I know it is hard but try and build your self confidence.

My husband and I have sex all the time no problem. That is a story for another time.

Thank you for letting me unload my thoughts.

#vaginismus #abusive relationship #ex boyfriend

1 note · View note